Author's Note/Disclaimer: Hello. Just thought I'd say a little something before you began. In case you're not familiar with VeggieTales, it's a computer-animated video series in which vegetables act out biblical stories and teach little kids Christian values. I don't own Tenchi or anything, that belongs to someone else, and I don't own VeggieTales either, and if I owned either, I'd probably be rich, which I'm not, so don't even bother suing me and paying expensive lawyer fees. Anymoo, here goes: Veggie Muyo! THEME SONG [Opening credits on plain white background. Voices come from somewhere off- camera.] BOB. It's time for the theme song, Larry. LARRY. Okay, Bob. What do I do? BOB. I know! You play the guitar. LARRY. Bob! I don't have any hands! BOB. Oh, yeah. Well then, you can play this! LARRY. Bob, I don't want to play THAT! I'll look silly! BOB. Yeah, but - LARRY. Nope. Not gonna do it. BOB. ......It's for the kids. LARRY. [sighs] Oh, all right. But they better not laugh! Bob. Okay, Larry. Better get on out there! [LARRY's green, cucumber face appears on the side of the screen, wearing a goofy grin, revealing his single tooth. It disappears and LARRY hops to the middle of the screen, carrying a large shiny tuba. LARRY begins playing the VeggieTales theme song.] BOB. [a tomato; hops out as he sings] If you like to talk to tomatoes, [faces camera on "tomatoes"] If a squash can make you smile, If you like to waltz with potatoes Up and down the produce AISLE.... [spoken, as camera closes in on Bob's face] Have we got a show for YOU! CHORUS. VeggieTaaaaales! VeggieTaaaaales! VeggieTaaaaales! VeggieTaaaaales! VeggieTaaaaales! VeggieTaaaaales! VeggieTaaaaales! VEGG-IE-TALES! BOB. Broccoli! Celery! Gotta be - CHORUS. VEGGIETALES! JUNIOR ASPARAGUS. Lima beans! Collard greens! Peachy keen! CHORUS. VEGGIETALES! LARRY. Cauliflower! Sweet 'n' sour! Half an hour! CHORUS. VEGGIETALES! There's never ever ever been a show like VEGGIETALES! There's never ever ever been a show like VEGGIETALES! It's time for VEGG-IE-TAAAaaaaAAAAaaaAAAaaaAAAAaaaAAAALES! [CHORUS (which consists of Junior Asparagus and his parents) and BOB hold last syllable until song ends. LARRY passes out after last note as flower-shaped confetti falls. Children laugh, hahaha. End theme song.] [Scene cuts to the usual VeggieTales opening scene in the kitchen. BOB and LARRY sit/stand (they're vegetables, they're just there!) on yellow-tiled kitchen counter, as they always do when opening the show.] BOB. Hello, boys and girls, and welcome the Veggietales! I'm Bob the Tomato... LARRY. And I'm Larry the Cucumber! BOB. And we're here to answer your questions! (pause) BOB. Um, we got a letter this morning from a little girl named Sasami, who lives all the way in Okayama, Japan! LARRY. That's really really really far away, in case you didn't know. [JIMMY the squash appears at the edge of the screen] JIMMY. Bob! Psst, Bob! Over here! BOB. [slightly irritated] What is it, Jimmy? We're kinda in the middle of a show right now. [smiles nervously at camera] JIMMY. I know, Bob, I just have a question. (pause) BOB. Well? What's your question? JIMMY. Um, that place? You know, Japan? I just wanted to know - isn't that near Texas somewhere? BOB. No. It's nowhere NEAR Texas. JIMMY. No, but...I was just thinking, you know, Texas is an awful big place, and there's so much around it...like, um, well, Louisiana, and, uh, Mexico, uh, and I think maybe Canada is over there...somewhere... BOB. No, Jimmy. Trust me, Japan is not even CLOSE to being close to Texas. JIMMY. Uh, okay Bob. If you say so... [JIMMY leaves dejectedly. BOB and LARRY watch him go] LARRY. We oughtta get him a map. BOB. [rolls eyes] ANYway, in the letter Sasami sent us - LARRY. She wrote it in Japanese, too. It took us a while to translate it. Like, all morning! BOB. Yes, it did. Now, in the letter Sasami sent us - LARRY. But that makes sense, you know? She lives in Japan, so she probably speaks Japanese, because that's like their favorite language over there, so she'd probably write in Japanese, too, right? BOB. Yes, Larry. So then, in the letter Sasami sent us - LARRY. It's a good thing Archibald knows Japanese, huh? Otherwise we'd NEVER know what Sasami wrote! BOB. That's enough, Larry. LARRY. Okay, Bob. (pause) BOB. Now, in the letter Sasami sent us - [stops suddenly, eyeing LARRY suspiciously] LARRY. What? BOB. [clears throat] So, in the letter Sasami sent us, she explained a very complicated situation. LARRY. Oh, MAN, is that ONE complicated situation! I don't think anyone's EVER been in a MORE complicated situation! That situation is about as COMPLICATED as they come! They can't get much more complicated than THAT! (pause) BOB. Are you done? LARRY. Yes, thank you. BOB. Well, Sasami says that she and her sister have been, uh, stranded on Earth, but that a nice boy is letting them live at his house for a while. Unfortunately, there are several other, um, PEOPLE living in the house too. Sasami says that her sister also really really LIKES the nice boy, but so does someone else who lives in the house, and they fight a lot because of it. Sasami wants them to stop fighting and being mean, but she doesn't know what to do. LARRY. Like we said, complicated. [ARCHIBALD ASPARAGUS suddenly appears at the side of the screen] ARCHIBALD.[muttering] If you ask ME, Sasami needs professional counseling. BOB. Nobody asked for your cynicism, Archibald. She apparently just has a very active imagination. I'm sure it's a phase she'll outgrow. ARCHIBALD. You said the same thing about Larry - and look how HE turned out! [BOB turns and looks at LARRY] LARRY. What? BOB. [to ARCHIBALD] Good point. LARRY. Awwww, man! [ARCHIBALD shrugs as best an asparagus can, rolls his eyes behind his monocle, exits] BOB. So we decided we're going to go visit Japan so that Sasami can explain her predicament in person! Right, Larry? LARRY. [haughtily] I'm NOT speaking to you. BOB. Oh, um, okay then Larry. (pause) BOB. Um, do you still want to visit Sasami? LARRY. [sighs] Oh, all right. But how are we gonna get there? BOB. We'll just use our imaginations. LARRY. Wouldn't it be more practical to perhaps take an airplane? BOB. Huh? LARRY. And I'M the one with an over-active imagination? BOB. Fine. We'll take a plane. [Scene cuts to Masaki household kitchen counter. BOB and LARRY sit/stand/whatever. SASAMI stands next to them on the floor, only her head, neck, and shoulders visible, smiling and happy as ever.] BOB. Hi there, boys and girls, and welcome to VeggieTales! I'm Bob the Tomato... LARRY. I'm Larry the Cucumber... SASAMI. And I'm Sasami! BOB. We caught a flight to Japan yesterday, and Sasami has graciously agreed to let us tape the show from her very own kitchen! SASAMI. HI! LARRY. I thought this was Japan. Shouldn't you be speaking Japanese? BOB [whispering fierecely to LARRY] This is DUBBED! LARRY. [enlightened] Ooohhhh.... BOB. Well, anyway. Sasami, we came all the way here so we could talk to you about your... [RYO-OHKI, in cabbit form, suddenly hops onto the screen, on the counter behind the unsuspecting vegetables. She sniffs them curiously.] RYO-OHKI. Miya? LARRY. Ahhh! Run for your life! [LARRY begins hopping away as swiftly as he can and falls into the sink.] BOB. Oh dear. SASAMI. Are you alright? LARRY. I'm...fine... RYO-OHKI. Miya. BOB. You know what, boys and girls, I think now would be a good time for a story. It's going to teach us a lesson in, uh...well.... SASAMI. But... BOB. [aside to SASAMI] It's just to distract them while we get Larry out of the sink. SASAMI. Oh...okay. STORY 1 [JUNIOR ASPARAGUS' bedroom. The window is open, and JUNIOR is asleep in bed. Suddenly a very tiny spaceship flies into the window. In the front seat of the spaceship, MIHOSHI and KIYONE are visible.] KIYONE. Mihoshi, let go of the controls this instant! MIHOSHI. But Kiyoooone, I was only trying to help! [The tiny spaceship crashes into JUNIOR's toybox. The sound jerks JUNIOR awake.] JUNIOR. What was that? There better not be any monsters in here... KIYONE. Mihoshi, hit the Enlarge-O-Beam. MIHOSHI. Yes, ma'am! [Suddenly MIHOSHI and KIYONE grow larger. KIYONE steps out of the toy box; MIHOSHI sits up, wearing a baby's bonnet with a baby bottle stuck in her mouth.] JUNIOR. Ahh! They've got arms! MIHOSHI. Ahh! Asparagus! I hate asparagus! KIYONE. Junior Asparagus, we need your help! JUNIOR. But who are you? KIYONE. I am First-Class Galaxy Police Detective Kiyone, and this is my partner Mihoshi. MIHOSHI. How do you do? JUNIOR. But you're so different than I am! How can I help you? KIYONE. You did minor in spaceship technology and repair at the Veggie Valley "Happy Veggies" Preschool, did you not? JUNIOR. Yes, I did. MIHOSHI. What did you major in? JUNIOR. Play-Doh. MIHOSHI. Really? That was my major in college! KIYONE. This is not the time nor the place! Junior, we need you to repair our ship, Yagami! It's dead in the water! Unable to move! It's a sitting duck! MIHOSHI. It's stuck. KIYONE. And an asteroid will collide with it in less than ten minutes unless we do something! JUNIOR. Um, why don't you just move the ship out of the way? KIYONE. That's just it. The Yagami is completely without power. We need you to repair it so we can move it out of the way in time! JUNIOR. I guess I can help... KIYONE. Great! Mihoshi, prepare our ship and get out the Shrinker Beam! MIHOSHI. Gotcha! [MIHOSHI fishes around in the toy box for a minute before pulling out their ship. Hurriedly she pulls a ray gun from her back pocket and shoots herself with it. Instantly she is shrunk down to fit inside the ship. She shoots KIYONE and JUNIOR with the ray gun from the ship's cockpit. Joined by KIYONE and JUNIOR, MIHOSHI navigates the ship into the wall.] KIYONE. MIHOSHI!!! Let me take the controls. JUNIOR. Um, I think my helmet's on backwards. [The spaceship flies out of the window.] [Scene cuts to KIYONE, MIHOSHI, and JUNIOR ASPARAGUS are in an elevator.] KIYONE. This will take us to the control center, where you'll be briefed by the ship's engineer, Washu. [Elevator music comes on.] MIHOSHI. Hey, Kiyone, d'ya recognize this song? KIYONE. Please, Mihoshi. MIHOSHI. [singing loudly and enthusiastically} I was so NAIVE...not to know that looks can DECEIVE! JUNIOR. I don't think I've heard this one. KIYONE. I'd like to keep it that way. [Fortunately for KIYONE the elevator opens into a spacious control center. WASHU, wearing a kilt, approaches them.] WASHU. [with Scottish accent] Thank goodness you're here, Cap'n. We're running out of time! KIYONE. Have you identified the type of asteroid yet, Washu? WASHU. It's worse that we thought, Cap'n. It's the worst type of asteroid known. KIYONE & WASHU TOGETHER. A carrot asteroid! MIHOSHI. Ahh! Carrots! I hate carrots! JUNIOR. Excuse me, Miss Washu, how many people are on board? WASHU. Two hundred and thirty-six! JUNIOR. And how many escape pods are there? WASHU. None whatsoever! JUNIOR. Darn. [JUNIOR's attention turns to a control panel to the right, where a tiny, furry creature is sitting.] JUNIOR. Who's that? WASHU. That's Ryo-Ohki. She's new on the ship. She's....different. JUNIOR. Well, maybe she can help. MIHOSHI. No way! She's so weird. She's small, and furry, and gray, and all she says is 'Miya!' [Unabashed, JUNIOR hops over to the control panel where RYO-OHKI is seated.] JUNIOR. Hi there. RYO-OHKI. Miya? JUNIOR. Well, I was wondering why you're so different. I mean, why you're so small and furry and only say 'Miya!' RYO-OHKI. Miya. JUNIOR. I see! WASHU. What did she say? JUNIOR. You guys are lucky I took extra-curricular courses in Cabbitese. She says she loves carrots and can turn into a spaceship. MIHOSHI. So? JUNIOR. Throw that cabbit overboard! [KIYONE grabs the cabbit by the nape of the neck and tosses her through a small chute. An instant later RYO-OHKI, as a spaceship, is floating through space towards the carrot asteroid.] RYO-OHKI. Miya? WASHU. Only ten seconds until collision! KIYONE. Do you think she can do it? JUNIOR. Hit the deck! [JUNIOR, WASHU, KIYONE, and MIHOSHI all dive behind the dashboard-y thing. RYO- OHKI, now as a cabbit, hits the windshield-y thing head-on.] RYO-OHKI. *Burp* Miyaaaaaa. JUNIOR. Get her in here! [When RYO-OHKI reenters the control center, she is showered with confetti.] KIYONE. Hooray for Ryo-Ohki! MIHOSHI. Hooray! WASHU. You've just saved the lives of the two hundred and thirty six people on board! How do you feel? RYO-OHKI. Miya. JUNIOR. [pulling up a cord with an electrical plug at the end] Hey, look at this! MIHOSHI. Plug it in! [JUNIOR does so. Suddenly the lights go up and the ship's power is reactivated.] KIYONE. Hooray for Junior Asparagus! MIHOSHI. I think I feel a song coming on! WASHU. [singing] Sit back and listen to this song that I'm singing... [Suddenly the scene cuts from the control center of the Yagami back to the kitchen counter.] BOB. I think we'll stop it right there. SASAMI. What was that supposed to teach us? BOB. Um, how to...be a good neighbor. SASAMI. Oh. RYO-OHKI. Miya. BOB. Well, um, I still haven't gotten Larry out of the sink... LARRY. I'm down here! BOB. We know you are. LARRY. Oh. [SASAMI reaches into the sink and lifts LARRY out] LARRY. I'm free! I'm free! SASAMI. So what? I'm still older than you. RYO-OHKI. Miya! BOB. Why didn't you just do that before? SASAMI. I only just learned now how to be a good neighbor. BOB. Oh. Well, that's good. [RYOKO suddenly walks into the kitchen. Since the camera is focused solely on the counter and only reaches up to SASAMI's pigtails, all we can see of RYOKO is her waist up to her bust.] RYOKO. Hey, Sasami. Whatcha up to, makin' dinner? SASAMI. Actually, no. Bob and Larry here were teaching me how to be a good neighbor. RYOKO. Oh, were they really? [She picks up RYO-OHKI and backs slowly out of the camera's view. She calls out from some distance from somewhere out of view] Hey, Aeka! I think your sister needs to be around more people her own age! AEKA. [also from somewhere out of view] And what makes you say that, Miss Ryoko? RYOKO. Oh, no reason. [RYOKO's and AEKA's conversation ends. LARRY, BOB, and SASAMI wait a moment before resuming.] BOB. So, well, we still have to get to your problem, Sasami. SASAMI. Oh, THAT...Well, it's a pretty complicated situation. BOB. Yes, we know that. SASAMI. Well, first of all, my sister and I are pretty much stranded on Earth since her ship Ryu-Oh was destroyed. LARRY. Really? A spaceship? Cool! SASAMI. Yeah. And so the Masakis are kindly allowing us to stay as guests at their house. BOB. Go on. SASAMI. But there's Ryoko... [Suddenly, AEKA's and RYOKO's screaming voices are heard arguing in the background.] SASAMI. There they go again. [Several beeps are sounded in sequence, because VeggieTales is a Christian kids' show, after all. It is unclear whether the beeps belong to AEKA or RYOKO or both.] BOB. Wow. THAT was inappropriate. LARRY. Hey, Bob, what does %$&# mean? BOB. NEVER SAY THAT WORD AGAIN. LARRY. [intimidated] Okay. [SASAMI sighs and rubs her temples.] BOB. Maybe we should have another story until they're through. LARRY. Sounds good to me. SASAMI. Leave it to me! I know just the story! BOB. You...you do? SASAMI. Yup! BOB. Are you sure you wanna tell a story, Sasami? I mean, you don't HAVE to. SASAMI. C'mon, you're here to help me. I gotta contribute. BOB. Oh. All right, then. STORY 2 [Dock at seashore. Tiny boat tied to dock, manned by TENCHI and RYO-OHKI in human form.] SASAMI. [not seen, like a narrator] Um, the story starts, well, uh, Tenchi was a mighty sailor man, and, uh, Ryo-Ohki was a fearless amateur, and, uh, they had a boat. And, uh, they were taking passengers on a three hour tour that day. [Camera turns to see passengers arriving for tour.] SASAMI. There was, um, a professor...[WASHU enters]...and, uh, the millionaire and his wife [two appropriately dressed asparaguses enter]...and, uh, the movie star and a pretty girl. [Ryoko and Aeka enter simultaneously]. RYOKO. So which of us is the movie star and which is the pretty girl? AEKA. Well, it's obvious that I HAVE to be the pretty girl. I mean, who'd ever think YOU were PRETTY? [RYOKO's eyes bulge and her face turns purple with rage. Exhaling slowly, she turns to Tenchi.] RYOKO. Tenchi, which of us is the pretty girl? TENCHI. Um... RYO-OHKI. Miya, miya miya! AEKA. Ryo-Ohki! You can't be the pretty girl, you're the fearless amatuer! RYOKO. Tenchi, I wanna be the pretty girl! Would you please tell Aeka that there's no way she could be the pretty girl? AEKA. Miss Ryoko! You're interrogation of Lord Tenchi is completely unnecessary! Stop intimidating him! RYOKO. You're just upset because you know he'll say that I'M the pretty girl! TENCHI. I haven't said anything yet! [RYOKO and AEKA exchange expletives, exchange blasts, and sink the boat. All passengers scurry back on to the dock.] TENCHI. [watching boat sink] There it goes. RYO-OHKI. Miya. RYOKO. Tenchi, I'm so sorry! [glomps him] Could you ever forgive me? AEKA. Lord Tenchi, I sincerely apologize in for my actions which contributing to the sinking of your boat. I humbly ask for your forgiveness. [bows low] TENCHI. Um... WASHU. Why don't you apologize to the rest of us for ruining our vacation? RYOKO. Quiet, MOM. ASPARAGUS HUSBAND. Um, don't worry about; we forgive you. [aside, to wife] Let's get out of here, these weirdos seem dangerous to me! WIFE. You are so right! [Scene cuts back to kitchen] BOB. Wow, Sasami, that was...short. LARRY. Um, what did I just learn? SASAMI. You learned the importance of forgiveness! LARRY. We did? BOB. A very important lesson. SASAMI. So now we can forgive Aeka and Ryoko for yelling bad words. BOB. [simultaneously with LARRY] Okay, I forgive them! LARRY.[simultaneously with BOB] Okay, I forgive them! SASAMI. That's good! (pause) BOB. We still haven't got to your problem yet, Sasami. SASAMI. Oh yeah. LARRY. I've heard it's pretty complicated. SASAMI. [rolls her eyes] Ryoko and Aeka both like Tenchi and won't stop fighting over him. BOB. Can't they resolve their differences? SASAMI. They've tangled before, and Tenchi is just a good reason to keep fighting. BOB. So they just like to fight, huh? SASAMI. Pretty much, yeah. But it's beginning to wear on everyone. LARRY. Why doesn't Tenchi stop them? [TENCHI stumbles in greatly bruised and beaten. He leans on the counter and looks up at SASAMI.] TENCHI. Hi, Sasami. SASAMI. Tenchi! What happened? TENCHI. Oh, I just tried to keep Ryoko and Aeka from fighting. [TENCHI lurches forward and falls painfully to the floor, passing out.] LARRY. Oh. I see. BOB. Sasami! With Tenchi passed out on the floor, you're the only one who can stop your sister and Ryoko from destroying your household! SASAMI. What? Why me? BOB. I dunno! 'Cause you're cute as a button and Ryo-Ohki can't really talk, I guess. SASAMI. But I'm only little and can't control my powers! How can I do anything? BOB. Sasami, Sasami...let me tell you a story about a boy named Dave... STORY 3 [Desert landscape. Several characters, intermixed from both Tenchi Muyo! and VeggieTales, stroll amongst a herd of computer-animated sheep] BOB. [narrating] Now about Dave. Dave lived in a land called Israel, and was a shepherd. [Camera passes JIMMY the Squash] BOB. That's one of his brothers. [Camera passes JERRY the Squash] BOB. That's another brother. [Camera passes NOBIYUKI, who has a video recorder of his own as he tapes the camera going by.] BOB. I don't know who THAT is. [Camera passes TOM GRAPE] BOB. Nope. 'Nother brother. Dave, as you see, had a lot of brothers. [Camera stops and focuses on Washu] BOB. Now, Dave...hey, wait a second! You're not Dave! WASHU. You bet I ain't. BOB. Where's Junior? He's supposed to play Dave! WASHU. I have no idea where Junior is. [She grins evilly]. BOB. Oh, no! What are we gonna do? WASHU. Um...I'd gladly step in to play the part. BOB. But...but...Dave's a guy! And you're a girl! WASHU. What are you, sexist? This is an equal-opportunity show, isn't it? BOB. Um, okay. I guess you can play Dave...you're certainly short enough. WASHU. Thank you. [She grins evilly again]. BOB. Well, um, ANYway...where was I? Oh. Dave had a lot of brothers, and they were all bigger than...her. WASHU. That's right! I'm the smallest! I'm quite the cutie pie, too! You can call me Little Dave, the greatest scientific genius in all of Israel! BOB. That's not how the story goes... WASHU. It is now! BOB. They didn't even HAVE science in ancient Israel! At least, not science as we do today! WASHU. Fine. Think what you like. BOB. Anyway...All Dave's brothers were bigger than she was, and they all liked to pick on her. You see, their sheep had an unusual problem. WASHU. And what's that? BOB. Um, they tip over. [Just then, a sheep tips over and lands directly on WASHU, who is shorter than all the sheep.] WASHU. Ack! [she crawls out from under the sheep and struggles to get it on its own four feet] JIMMY. Hey, Dave! One of my sheep fell over! How 'bout coming over here and picking it up for me? WASHU. Just a minute! TOM. Hey, Dave! One of my sheep fell over, too! Would you come over and get it, please? WASHU. I'll be right there! [JIMMY bumps over a row of his sheep, which proceed to fall like dominoes] JIMMY. Hey, Dave! ALL my sheep fell over! WASHU. I'm kinda busy! BOB. Just then, their father, Jesse, came running over. YOSHO. [as Jesse] The Philistines are attacking! C'mon - we have to fight them! King Saul's already forming an army! We must help save Israel! WASHU & FAMILY. We must help save Israel! [One by one they file past Jesse, WASHU being last. YOSHO stops WASHU] YOSHO. Hey, hey, hey! And just where do you think you're goin? WASHU. I must help save Israel! [others snicker] PA. You're too little. Stay here and watch the sheep. [Everyone but WASHU and SHEEP exit. WASHU stares at sky dejectedly.] WASHU. They're big...I'm little...they go...I twiddle. Why can't little guys do big things too? [Scene cuts to battleground. King Saul, played by RYOKO (equal opportunity, remember), and army on one side, PHILISTINES on the other. PHILISTINES include KIYONE, AEKA, TENCHI, and a couple of PEAS who have French accents.] RYOKO. Tenchi...why are you on their side and not mine? AEKA. Leave Lord Tenchi alone, you monster woman! Now we know whose side he's really on! TENCHI. This is just where the vegetables told me to stand. RYOKO. Well, why don't you stand a little closer to me, Tenchi, my darling? TENCHI. I, uh, that is... [AEKA and RYOKO exchange raspberries] BOB. As was the custom in that time, each army stood on their side of the battle lines and...yelled. RYOKO. Yoo-hoo, Tenchi! TENCHI. Oh brother. JERRY. Hey, um, do you guys have any fried chicken? I have a real hankerin' for fried chicken. RYOKO. With Tenchi on the side. AEKA. You don't have any manners at all, do you, Miss Ryoko? BOB. You see, the Philistines really didn't like Israel. In fact, they wanted Israel's land and to make the Israelites their slaves. RYOKO. I'll be your slave, Tenchi! TENCHI. Um, really, that's okay, Ryoko. KIYONE. You know, I think I can save us all a lot of time. How about we send out our champion and you send out your champion. We'll just have the champions fight each other. If our champion defeats your champion, you will be our slaves. If your champion beats our champion, we will be your slaves. RYOKO. Oh. I guess that sounds good. Send out your champion. [Huge stomping sounds as MIHOSHI emerges from one of the Philistines' tents.] RYOKO. THAT'S your champion!?! MIHOSHI? That's really pathetic. AEKA. [smugly] She's just a blonde, but she's exceptionally dangerous. [MIHOSHI pulls out her Control Cube] RYOKO. Oh no! It's... JERRY. Um, what is it? [Muttering to herself, MIHOSHI toys with the cube. Various objects appear, disappear, levitate, etc., including but not limited to tents, weapons, armor, silverware, and characters on both sides of the battle lines.] KIYONE. MIHOSHI! Knock it off! Save it for their champion! MIHOSHI. Oh, okay. [stops]. BOB. After this frightening display, NO ONE wanted to fight Mihoshi. RYOKO. I would, but it'd screw up the story. AEKA. Suuuuure you would. RYOKO. Hey, I have another idea: I'll kick Aeka's butt and everyone but Tenchi can get the &%*@ out of Israel! BOB. All right, that's the last straw! Why, I oughtta... [BOB hops onto the screen and confronts RYOKO.] BOB. You're outta this story! For good! Get going! RYOKO. Oh, yeah, you puny vegetable? I'll show you... TENCHI. Ryoko, please. We're doing this for Sasami. You don't want to ruin it, do you? [RYOKO mumbles incoherently as she exits. She dejectly throws the crown back onto the set, denting it severely.] BOB. Okay, who wants to be Saul? Any takers? LARRY. Oooh! Oooh! Pick me, Bob! Pick me! BOB. This is your last chance, guys! Who wants to be Saul? LARRY. Me! Pick me! Pick me! BOB. Ummmm.... [BOB is surveys the crowd and apparently randomly chooses RYOKO's replacement.] BOB. I'm so glad you volunteered, Washu. WASHU. Hey, I'm already Dave! I'm not even supposed to be in this scene; I just came over to see what was taking so long. BOB. Uh, that's okay, you can be, uh, Dave and, uh, Saul. WASHU. Hey, that's great! Do I get paid twice as much, then? BOB. Let's move on, please. [BOB hops back out of view.] JIMMY. Well, we, uh, we need a champion to fight the giant Mihoshi. WASHU. I guess that would be me. JERRY. Yeah, uh, you. NOBIYUKI. But she's way too small! I'd never get anyone to take a bet on her! WASHU. Well, you know I'm gonna win, so why don't you bet on me and then you'll win all the money. NOBOYUKI. Hey, that's a good idea. BOB. [unseen] No gambling on this show. You, off the set! NOBUYUKI. Before I go, are there any takers? BOB. I'm losing my patience... LARRY. This may take more than one video... SASAMI. [also unseen] I know what our next story will be about... WASHU. I'm Israel's champion. Come out, Mihoshi, and fight! MIHOSHI. Ho, ho, ho! What, am I a dog that you come at me with sticks? AEKA. What the heck is that supposed to mean? MIHOSHI. I dunno....it was in the script... KIYONE. Yeah, here it is: "What, am I a dog that you come..." How strange. WASHU. Well, I have no idea what you're talking about, but you're no dog, Mihoshi. MIHOSHI. Why, thank you. WASHU. And I'm no stick. Let's get going. [MIHOSHI pulls out her Control Cube and begins toying with it, and chaos ensues. WASHU dodges various obstacles, including but not limited to tents, weapons, armor, silverware, and characters from both sides of the battle lines. WASHU eventually reaches the blonde, and pulls out a water balloon from nowhere. She throws it and hits MIHOSHI squarely in the face. MIHOSHI topples over backwards as the ISRAELITES erupt in cheers. Beethoven's 5th Symphony plays.] WASHU. You see! I did it, even though I'm only little! [ISRAELITES surge forward, grabbing WASHU and tossing her in the air. PHILISTINES, in horror, retreat, leaving MIHOSHI sobbing on the ground.] MIHOSHI. Waaaah! I'm all wet! Ugh! [Scene, once again, cuts back to the kitchen.] BOB. So you see, Sasami, you may not be big and able to use your powers yet, but you can still do things that God wants you to do! SASAMI. And, uh, God wants me to stop Ryoko's and Aeka's fighting? TENCHI. [who has regained consciousness and climbed up to the counter] I dunno, but I sure do. SASAMI. Okay, Tenchi! I'll do it for you! BOB. Atta girl, Sasami! LARRY. Um, let us know if you need help. SASAMI. Okay. [gulps] Here goes... [SASAMI leaves the camera's view and confronts RYOKO and AEKA somewhere off- screen. The following conversation is out of the camera's view.] SASAMI. I think that you two need to stop fighting. AEKA. As much as I would love to, Sasami, SOMEone has to protect Lord Tenchi from this dangerous fossil-woman. RYOKO. Oh, yeah, I'd be glad to call it quits if a certain prissy princess would just keep her nose in the air and outta other people's business! AEKA. I would if you didn't constantly threaten Lord Tenchi's well-being! RYOKO. I'm not threatening him, we're merely sharing our undying affection for each other! SASAMI. Hey! Hey! I don't want another fight! I just want to resolve our differences! [SASAMI drags RYOKO and AEKA by the hands into the kitchen, where TENCHI and the VEGETABLES wait. As much is seen of them as before.] SASAMI. I think these two need a story. RYOKO. Oh, no. Not the talking vegetables again. AEKA. What talking vegetables? LARRY. We're not just ANY talking vegetables; we're CHRISTIAN talking vegetables. TENCHI. Really? BOB. Um....yes, yes we are. TENCHI. Did you realize that, um, we're NOT Christian? BOB. [under his breath] Well, you certainly don't ACT it, living in sin and all... TENCHI. ...And on top of that, there's a Shinto shrine on this property? My GRANDFATHER runs it. [BOB and LARRY sit in stunned silence for a moment.] LARRY. So, Bob, this is who they mean when they talk about the heathens? BOB. I don't believe this. TENCHI. Sasami, WHY are they here? SASAMI. Well, they seem to solve a lot of American kids' problems, so I thought maybe they could help us and get Aeka and Ryoko to stop fighting. RYOKO. Really? Is that so? AEKA. Sasami, all you needed to do was to ask us to stop fighting. SASAMI. I just did that, and you guys completely ignored me! It takes a pair of talking vegetables to get your attention! You guys don't even listen to Tenchi anymore! TENCHI. That's right! [pause] RYOKO. I guess you guys are right... AEKA. I suppose we HAVE been acting a little unladylike... TENCHI. Darn right you have. AEKA. I think I speak for the both of us when I express the humblest apologies. RYOKO. [throws arms around TENCHI; AEKA attempts to ignore this] What can we do to make it up to you? TENCHI. Um, for one thing, all the furniture you guys have destroyed... SASAMI. I think you two need to learn how to share! BOB. Sasami, that's not entirely... RYOKO. You think so? I couldn't keep my Tenchi all to myself? AEKA. Share with that...that...[Stops when she notices SASAMI's dirty look]...Oh, well, I SUPPOSE we could work SOMETHING out... TENCHI. Hey, I never said... LARRY. This is getting interesting. SASAMI. Yeah, like, Aeka can have him on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays... TENCHI. Sasami, please! AEKA. And Ryoko would have him on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays? What about Sundays? SASAMI. Tenchi deserves a day of rest, I guess. RYOKO. He'll need it after MY turn with him! BOB. [muttering prayer]...and deliver THEM from evil... AEKA. Ha! Lord Tenchi won't want to have anything to DO with you after I'm through with him! TENCHI. I don't want anything to do with this AT ALL! LARRY. I'm beginning to think that this is getting out of hand. BOB. What was your first hint? SASAMI. See? You guys can get along just fine if you work at it and share! BOB. Um, it's time to talk about what we learned today... [The WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED SONG suddenly begins playing from nowhere in particular, puzzling everyone so thoroughly that they're silent for a moment.] THE WHWL SONG. [sung by no one in particular] And so what we have learned applies to our lives today And God has a lot to say in His Book! TENCHI. What the...? BOB. For once, I think I'm glad to hear this song. You see, we know that God's Word is for everyone And now that our song is done let's take a look! LARRY. Hey! God's Word is for everyone, even you heathens! RYOKO. So what? You gonna convert us or something? BOB. Please don't give the cucumber ideas. SASAMI. Hey! That song was pretty catchy. "And so what we..." BOB. That's enough, Sasami. SASAMI. ..."have learned applies to our lives today..." BOB. Sasami... SASAMI. ...."And God has a lot to say..." BOB. SASAMI, WOULD YOU PLEASE BE QUIET!!! [Everyone stares agape at BOB's outburst. BOB sits on the counter, huffing and puffing.] RYOKO. Long day? BOB. You have NO idea. LARRY. Um....Today we learned that's it's probably not a good idea to get too involved in people's personal lives. AEKA. That's a good lesson to learn. I'm sure it would be okay if you just left now. RYOKO. So, when is our schedule gonna start? TENCHI. Never! AEKA. Today's Sunday. How 'bout tomorrow? BOB. Um, today's Bible verse is: "Stay in you own kitchen and you shall be perfectly fine." RYOKO. No way! Then you'd get him first! LARRY. Is that verse from the New Testament or the Old Testament? BOB. Um, it's from the Book of Bob. AEKA. I see no problem with starting the schedule tomorrow. TENCHI. Now ask me if I see a problem with starting the schedule at all. BOB. Um, it's time for us to go now, kids... SASAMI. Please don't start fighting again! LARRY. So we'll see you next time. RYOKO. I think it would be safer if you just stepped out of the way, Sasami. TENCHI. Please! Could you two at least take this outside? AEKA. As soon as I teach this monster-woman to WAIT HER TURN. LARRY. Um, you'll have to talk with the 3-2-1 Penguins about that. It was on their first video. BOB. Uh, remember, kids, God made you special... LARRY. And He loves you very much! [RYOKO prepares an energy ball as AEKA's Juraian power logs appear] BOB. Um, bye! LARRY. Bye! TENCHI. AAAAH! THE END. [End Credits, white on black background, roll to the OAV opening theme.] [Author's Note to the tune of "Talent For Love"] Well, ladies and gentlemen, and those of you who don't fit either description, I hope you enjoyed this little romp-around-the-rosy. Thanks so much for reading. I'll just reiterate that I don't own Tenchi (he and the girls belong to Pioneer Animation) or VeggieTales or 3-2-1 Penguins (both belong to Big Idea! Productions) and I'm too poor to sue. Or be sued. I really don't care. Before it's too late, I want to very graciously thank my sister for proofreading and giving me ideas and actually writing some tidbits, so I guess now would be a good time for a plug for her fanfic: it's called Outcast of Jurai by the Mysterious Bumblebee in the Regular section and it's damn good so go read it right now! If you have anything at all to say to me, then send it right down to animebabe@chibizone.zzn.com Also, I should probably apologize if you were religiously offended...but I don't think I will (heehee j/k). ^_~ See you some other time! LARRY. Hey Bob! I just had an idea! Maybe we can CONVERT them! RYOKO. That took him a while. BOB. [whiny] I just wanna go home! ["Talent For Love" Ends]