The Untitled Multi-Series Cross-Over Screenplay Featuring characters from the following series (not all are present yet.) The X-Files, The Young Ones, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Doctor Who, Tenchi Muyo, Max Headroom, Lexx, and Star Trek: The Original Series ============================================================= 1. INT. SHOT. FORENSICS LAB 4:45PM. MED. SHOT OF DANA SCULLY AND VYVYAN STANDING OVER A BODY. THERE IS A DUFFEL BAG BY VYVYAN. SCULLY: Now, I take the scalpel like so, and make a small incision here, like so. We watch SCULLY MAKE AN INCISION IN THE CORPSE'S ARM. She is very careful and precise in doing so. SCULLY: Now, let's see you do it. We watch VYVYAN REACH INTO HIS DUFFEL BAG and PULL OUT A CHAIN SAW. SCULLY's eyes widen. As we continue to watch, VYVYAN LEANS OVER TO HOLD DOWN THE BODY and MAKES A CUT WITH HIS CHAIN SAW. When he STANDS UP, however, we see he is MISSING ONE ARM. VYVYAN: Oh dear. Wrong arm. Um, would you happen to have a band-aid? ************************************************************** 2. EXT. SHOT. A CLEARING IN THE WOODS. LONG SHOT. THE CLEARING IS EMPTY. As we watch, a DRAIN APPEARS out of nowhere. VERY RAPIDLY, A CONICAL BATHTUB SPIRALS up OUT OF THE DRAIN in a most improbable manner. In the CONICAL BATHTUB we find FORD PREFECT with his SATCHEL draped over the side of the tub. FORD is SINGING. FORD: (singing) Za! Za! Za heemooo...(1) FORD STOPS SINGING and PULLS his TOWEL from his SATCHEL FORD: Hey! This isn't the bathroom! FORD GETS DRESSED. MULDER(OS): Interesting place for a bath. WE FOLLOW FORD'S GAZE as he TURNS to face FOX MULDER who has just arrived having heard a strange noise. FORD: How long have you been here? MULDER: I just arrived. I heard a strange noise. FORD: A strange noise? MULDER: Yes, it sounded like... MULDER DOES an IMPRESSION of the SOUND OF a CONICAL BATHTUB RAPIDLY SPIRALLING UP OUT OF its OWN DRAIN. FORD: Well, I didn't hear anything like that. MULDER: I see. MULDER PULLS OUT his ID and SHOWS IT to FORD PREFECT MULDER: Fox Mulder. FBI. I'd like to ask you a few question. FORD: Go right ahead. But not here. Why don't we head on over to the pub? I must be running low. I'm starting to see FBI agents instead of purple turtles... MULDER NODS. FORD and MULDER WALK OFF-CAMERA *************************************************************** 3. EXT. SHOT SAME CLEARING, TWO MINUTES LATER. MEDIUM SHOT. As we watch, CAPTAIN KIRK and MR. SPOCK are BEAMED DOWN. SPOCK GOES OVER TO the CONICAL TUB. KIRK REMAINS WHERE HE IS SPOCK EXAMINES the CONICAL BATHTUB with his TRICORDER. SPOCK: Fascinating. It appears to be a bathtub. KIRK: Your powers of observation never cease to amaze me, Mr. Spock. SPOCK GIVES A LITTLE NOD. SPOCK: Why thank you, Captain. KIRK SCOWLS. SPOCK: Most curious. KIRK JOINS SPOCK at the CONICAL TUB. KIRK: What is it, Spock? SPOCK: This tub has been subected to a power source that I am not familiar with. KIRK has a LOOK of MOCK-AMAZEMENT on his face. KIRK: You can't figure it out? This bathtub must have an extraodinary power supply. SPOCK is now SCANNING the OUTSIDE of the tub with his TRICORDER SPOCK: I do not believe this bath has what you would call a power supply. It appears to have been propelled her by some means unknown to us. SPOCK FINDS FORD'S FOOTPRINTS FIRST, then he FINDS MULDER'S SPOCK: Curious. There are two sets of footprints here. However only one set is travelling in two directions. Apparently whoever made the other set must have arrived here in the bath. KIRK: Well, Mr. Spock, you have to admit it is a relaxing way to travel. SPOCK: I strongly doubt Starfleet Command will be switching to Bathtub Class any time soon. KIRK: Stranger things have happened Mr. Spock. SPOCK: Such as. KIRK get a BEMUSED LOOK on his FACE. KIRK: That's odd. I can't think of any. ZAPHOD(OS): How about talking monkeys? KIRK and SPOCK TURN. KIRK's JAW DROPS OPEN and his EYES GO WIDE. SPOCK RAISES an EYEBROW and TILTS HIS HEAD in a QUIZZICAL MANNER. SPOCK: If you are referring to Captan Kirk and myself, then you are only half correct as I did not evolve from the simian life on this planet. KIRK: Gee, thanks, Spock. KIRK TURNS to ADDRESS ZAPHOD. KIRK: Mister... ZAPHOD: Beeblebrox. Zaphod Beeblebrox. KIRK: Mr. Beeblebrox. Can you explain to me just how this bathtub got in this field? ZAPHOD BANGS his HEADS TOGETHER. ZAPHOD: Sheesh, haven't you guys heard of the Infinite Improbability Drive yet? You know you are so incredibly unhoopy. KIRK and SPOCK TRADE LOOKS KIRK: Infinite Improbability Drive? SPOCK: I presume you're referring to a device which generates an improbability field which in turn causes improbable events to occur. ZAPHOD NODS KIRK: And what happens at Infinite Improbability level? ZAPHOD: The ship passes through every point of every universe simultaneously. KIRK: So all you need to do is pick out your re-entry point. SPOCK: I assume the bath was the result of one of the finite improbability generations produced as the ship slowed to what I shall refer to as Normality Speed? ZAPHOD: Yep. Hey, why don't we contninue this little chat at the pub. My semi-cousin probably went there. SPOCK: I assume your semi-cousin enjoys consuming alcoholic beverages. ZAPHOD He sure does. Come on, I need a drink. Two actually. ZAPHOD PUTS his THREE ARMS around KIRK and SPOCK and LEADS them OFF_CAMERA *********************************************************** 4. EXT A DARK ALLEY. 11:39 PM MED TO LONG SHOT of OPERATIVE A LEANING on a WALL. OPERATIVE A is IN DISGUISE and WEARING a TRENCHCOAT and FEDORA. MULDER WALKS BY the ALLEY with FORD. FORD: Are you sure there's a pub here? MULDER: Just up the road a ways. OPERATIVE A STEPS OUT of the ALLEY and FOLLOWS FORD and MULDER. *********************************************************** 5. INT. SHOT. A PUB We are in A PUB. As we watch FORD and MULDER WALK IN and SIT at the BAR. A few moments later, OPERATIVE-A WALKS IN and SITS in a BOOTH FORD: Bartender! FORD RAISES HIS HAND and WHISTLES. BARTENDER is POURING DRINKS from the TAP. BARTENDER: Good evening, gentlemen. How may I help you? FORD: I'll have a gin and tonic. MULDER: Ginger Ale. BARTENDER: Designated driver? MULDER: Actually, we walked. BARTENDENDER MAKES and SERVES FORD'S and MULDER'S DRINKS FORD RAISES HIS GLASS FORD: TO TOWELS! FORD MAKES a TOASTING MOTION with his DRINK and then SWALLOWS the WHOLE DRINK in one GULP. A WAITRESS GOES OVER to OPERATIVE-A'S TABLE. WAITRESS What would you like? OPERATIVE A LOOKS UP. OPERATIVE A: What would you suggest? WAITRESS LOOKS CAREFULLY AT OPERATIVE A WAITRESS: For you? I'd suggest a vodka martini...shaken not stirred. OPERATIVE A: Hmm. Okay, I'll try one of those WAITRESS LEAVES the TABLE to GET the DRINK. OPERATIVE A CALLS the WAITRESS BACK. The WAITRESS RETURNS to OPERATIVE A'S TABLE. OPERATIVE A HANDS the WAITRESS A FOLDED PIECE of PAPER and POINTS to MULDER. OPERATIVE A: Give this message to that man over there. WAITRESS TAKES the MESSAGE to MULDER. OPERATIVE A(OS) LEAVES the PUB at the SAME TIME. WAITRESS: The gentleman over there wanted me to give this to you. MULDER LOOKS at the NOW EMPTY BOOTH. MULDER: Uh, which gentleman are you referring to? WAITRESS LOOKS at the EMPTY BOOTH. WAITRESS: Odd. He was there a moment ago. LONG SHOT of DOOR as IT CLICKS SHUT. ********************************************************** 6. INT. SHOT. FORENSICS LAB MANY HOURS LATER. We are back in the FORENSICS LAB with SCULLY and VYV. VYV MIRACULOUSLY HAS BOTH OF HIS ARMS ATTACHED NOW. THERE is a PILE of SEVERED LIMBS NEXT TO VYV and another pile of CONFISCATED CUTTING TOOLS NEXT TO SCULLY. SCULLY: Okay. Let's try it again. This time with a *scalpel" VYV SMACKS his FOREHEAD. VYV: Oh, is that what scalpels are for? I thought they were for cutting meat into really thin slices. MAX HEADROOM(OS): Yes! Yes! Its the all new Zik Zak kitchen scalpel! VYV and SCULLY TURN and SEE MAX HEADROOM on a SECURITY MONITOR SCULLY: Who are you? MAX HEADROOM MOVES SPORADICALLY around the SCREEN MAX HEADROOM: Hi! I'm Max Max Max Headroom. Coming to-to you live and direct on Network 23! VYV: Uh... you're created by a computer, right? MAX: Mm HMMM. VYV RAISES a FINGER LIKE A LECTURER VYV: Then how can you be *live* and direct? MAX GETS a PUZZLED LOOK on his FACE. HE LEAVES the SCREEN, presumably to GO and THINK ABOUT THIS. SCULLY: Okay, let's try it again. CUT TO JERSEY BILOWSKI, STANDING ALONE in his USUAL HAT AND SUIT in the HALL outside the LAB. JERSEY: You know, that lad in there. Bloody brilliant. Oh yeah. Just the other day, I asked him "Where's my hat, on account of the fact that I couldn't find it. And he says on top of my bloody head. (beat) He was bloomin' right, ya know! Well... back to the action... CUT BACK to SCULLY and VYV. SCULLY'S CELLPHONE RINGS SCULLY PICKS UP the CELLPHONE SCULLY: Hello? (beat) Mulder where... (beat) What are you doing in the pub? (beat) Hold on SCULLY CHECKS a FEW DATABASES. SCULLY: Mulder? (beat) Yeah. (beat) No, we don't have any agents in the field that our investigations would put in serious risk. (beat) Look, Mulder why don't you track down this guy. SCULLY GETS a STRANGE LOOK on HER FACE SCULLY: We *ARE* the FBI! SCULLY HANGS UP. SCULLY GETS ANOTHER DEAD BODY and REMOVES the SHEET FROM IT'S FACE. THE CORPSE is a YOUNG MAN with a VERY STRANGE HAIRSTYLE. VYV PICKS UP a CHAINSAW and CUTS OFF THE CORPSE'S ARM. THE CORPSE GRABS VYV WITH HIS REMAINING ARM. VYV THROWS the CHAINSAW BACK over his HEAD when he THROWS UP his ARMS in SHOCK. SCULLY DUCKS THE CORPSE STANDS UP, PICKS UP his SEVERED ARM AND HOLDS it to the STUMP which it RE-FUSES to. THE CORPSE FLEXES HIS ARM. KAI: Ah. Much better. SCULLY: Who are you? KAI: I am Kai. Last of the Brunnen-G.