Note:  This is the first chapter in a series that struck me as a good idea,
hope you like it cause I'm sure more of the same is on the way.
This story takes place one week after another fan fiction I wrote.  In fact,
the only other one I've written, so that pretty much narrows it down, huh?
To save you the time of reading it if you didn't (shame on you), this all
takes place after the events with Kain and uses all the characters from the
Universe series, the new character Victor Maroo Toumbes is the new royal
seer
under Ayeka and Sasami.  Also, he has recently married Ryoko (sorry guys,
all
your dreams of having here are over in this little world, deal with it).  I
think that's it.yes, that's all.
I do not own these characters, except for the ones I do (also, U-MAG is
mine,
but I might share if you request its use. No asky, no touchy).  Also, the
character of Mr. Pumperdoo does not belong to me either (praise be to my
lord
and savior for that, I'd kill myself if my mind created something like him),
he belongs to Aaron Shattuck, another fan fiction writer.  I'm writing the
character exactly as he was described to me, so any complaints about him
should be directed to him instead (dilandau2@hotmail.com).  The other
characters I don't own belong to Pioneer and AIC (I think that's correct,
but
you know who I mean. Don't pay much heed to the credits myself).  The rest
are mine and you can't have them, so there <pulls down flesh under right eye
and sticks out tongue>.  Also, if you can't tell which characters are
original and which are not, then you aren't really a true fan to begin with
and we don't need your kind here anyway.  Please stop disgracing us with
your
presence and may Mihoshi crash-land a really big thing into the empty space
between your ears.
Thank you.

U-MAG Volume 1, Chapter 1

Mr. Pumperdoo
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

    The Guild is massive.  There's no other way to put it. Countless many
count themselves among it's ranks, with pride no less.  For those who don't
know, and very few do, the Guild is the Universal Master Assassins Guild, or
U-MAG for short.
    As I said, the Guild is massive.  To give you an idea of the scale we're
talking about here; picture a medium sized planet.  Now image that the Guild
covers the whole planet, nothing there but this guild.  Because that's
exactly what the Guild is.  A planet pushed back onto the very edge of the
Universe, alone for roughly a quarter of a light year in every direction,
save for the two moons orbiting it.  These moons are also another extension
of the Guild.  One was the site of a private resort for the assassins.  The
other was a training ground where failing assassins were sent and eventually
hunted like animals by the other members.  As they have come to be known (by
those who know of them), Heaven and Hell respectively.
    On the central planet of the Guild, ten Masters lord over all of the
members and make all the choices as to who shall be sent out for any jobs
that come in.  In addition, they have sole access to a machine called the
up-loader.  All returning assassins are plugged into it and the entire
assassination process is down loaded into a computer the size of a major
city.  As the Masters only go on the hunt themselves, they occasionally
relive the hunts of others, either for sick pleasure or to review the
abilities of those below them before each mission.  Lastly, before any
Master
retires his post and is put to an honorable death, he picks his heir.  The
current Masters are all third generation, including one who's getting on in
years and is doubtlessly on her way out.  Needless to say, several members
covet the title of the first among the fourth generation, which can usually
be played as a bargaining chip to gain swift completion of any given
contract.
In an infinitely large universe such as the one we're pretty much forced to
live in, you'd be amazed how many beings could stumble upon the existence of
such a business as the Guild.  Death warrants came in almost daily, coupled
of course with the terms of payment.

This is the story of one of them.

    "My fellow Masters, we have a serious situation on our hands.  The Guild
has just received quite possibly the most important death warrant we will
ever see.  The death of our very own up and coming emperor, Tenchi Masaki."
    The room echoed with gasps of shock from the other nine Masters
assembled
there, followed by respectful silence for the speaker to finish.  Honor was
held in high esteem among the Guild.  One of the most common forms of this
honor was the title of 'Sir' used to address all Masters, male or female,
even when one Master speaks to another.
    Master Zyxx, usually the speaker in such meetings, resumed her speech.
"The requester has chosen to be known only as 'C' and has offered,
obviously,
a hefty ransom for this job."  A sum of money appeared on the screen in
front
of them.  This, too, caused a gasp to rise from the audience, followed again
by silence.
    "This is an on-going contract, the requester has specified that they are
willing to be patient, that they realize how difficult this may be, and that
any amount of time would be well worth it.  Now then, onto the selection
process.  This is an Earth based mission, take into account all planetary
data, obscure as it is in this case."
    Master Black Dagger, a humanoid with a love of stabbing weapons, stood
up
and addressed the group.  "Sir, I feel that a job of this scale will require
extreme skill, as you must well know.  As you also know from the briefing
two
days ago, the Strayed have sent us word that they would aid us in any way
possible, taking us as their leader after their former deity, Abel, was
killed recently.  As a token of their gratitude, they sent us one of their
more recent clone test samples, Naigai.  The clone has proven herself to be
just as capable as her original, the bounty huntress Nagi.  I nominate her
for the job, as we already have records of Nagi fighting quite well on
Earth."
    "Very good Master Dagger, sir.  Any objections?"
    Master Mara stood up, three feet tall from toes to horn, and all muscle
between.  "Sir, no disrespect to Master Black Dagger, but I feel his logic
is
flawed."
    "Is that so?  Sir, please elaborate."
    "Sir, while I will admit that Naigai is quite skilled in battle, you
said
yourself that this is the most important mission in Guild history.  This is
not the proper time to give Naigai a field test."
    Master Dagger bowed.  "Sir, it is truth you speak.  I thank you for this
correction."
    Master Zyxx watched them sit down, then rose herself.  "A thought occurs
to me; perhaps we're going about this the wrong way.  My fellow Masters,
suppose we choose somebody.different for this mission.  Somebody who, if
they
were to fail, we might not miss so very much.  Then, if they succeed, we
celebrate.  If they fail, no big loss for us.  Those opposed?"
    Nobody stood.
    "Good.  Now then, I think we are all in agreement as to who the lucky
member will be.  After all, we've been praying for him to die in the field
for ages now.  I've personal considered killing himself myself regardless of
the consequences more then once."
    "Black Dagger stood.  "Likewise, sir.  He's disgraced this organization
repeatedly with that little quirk of his.  I second the motion."  He sat
back
down.
    "The motion is seconded.  Those opposed?"
    Nobody stood.  Zyxx smiled.  "Good.  Master Mara, sir, have Mr.
Pumperdoo
on his way to Japan as soon as possible."  Mara nodded, then stood to be on
his way.  "Oh yes, and sir?"
    Mara turned back around.  "Yes sir?"
    "Tell him no pets this time please."
    "Of course sir."  Mara turned and left.

    Mr. Pumperdoo was presently reviewing a scrapbook he kept of his many
victims and sitting on top of a pile of his custom t-shirts reading "I Want
To Be Killed By Mr. Pumperdoo".  Regardless of his strange habits, he was
quite good at what he did.  He heard a knock on his door.
    "Enter."
    When he saw that it was a Master (they always wore the same white
cloaks,
though any member would know their Masters on sight), he leapt to attention
and saluted.
    "At ease Mr. Pumperdoo."
    Mr. Pumperdoo let his arm drop to his egg like side.  Even standing
straight he was just an inch taller then the Master before him.  Mr.
Pumperdoo was, obviously, quite short and very much egg shaped.  He
invariably wore a pair of puffy pantaloons and suspenders, adding greatly to
his likeness of Humpty-Dumtpy.  His face was almost human, and gave off an
air of kindness, which is completely the opposite of his true nature.
    "Master, sir, why do you honor me with your presence?"
    "I have a job for you.  One which is rather imp-"
    "Does the victim have any pets Master?"
    Mara sighed.  "Yes, a cabbit lives with the victim, but I've been asked
to give you special orders to avoid the pet."
    Mr. Pumperdoo was visible depressed by this.  It had been some time
since
his victim had had a cabbit.  He almost drooled at the thought of those
soft,
fuzzy animals.
    "As I was saying, this one is rather important to the Guild.  The death
of Tenchi Masaki.  I'm sure you know the name, yes?"
    "Yes sir, of course."
    "Good.  You depart for Earth immediately."
    "If I may ask sir, why was I chosen for such a crucial mission?"
    Mara smiled.  "The Masters and I thought it over and decided that, given
the angle we were going to play upon for this mission, you were the most
suited for the task."
    Mr. Pumperdoo beamed at this sentiment.  "The Masters have that much
faith in my abilities, sir?"
    Mara's smile grew ever wider.  "Oh, something like that.  Now then,
follow me to the pod room."
    "Of course sir.  By the way, could I interest you in-"
    "No Mr. Pumperdoo, I still don't want illegal cabal, or one of you
t-shirts, or whatever else you were going to try to sell me.  AGAIN!"
    Master Mara loaded Mr. Pumperdoo into a pod and shot him off into space.
He couldn't help but smile at the idea that he might never have to see that
diminutive psycho again so long as he lived.

Continued in "U-MAG Chronicles: Volume 1, Chapter 2"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------

Notes: I don't own most of this stuff.  Mr. Pumperdoo belongs to Aaron
Shattuck, as I said before, Victor belongs to me (as does the Guild.  Once
again, no asky, no touchy), and the others belong to Pioneer and AIC.  If
you
really had to be told that the others are not made up characters, then you
aren't really a fan and should go away as you are an offense to the eye and
may Ryo-Ohki mistake your lower extremities for a carrot.  Thank you to all
devoted Tenchi fans for your time.

U-MAG Volume 1, Chapter 2
Pressure On The Prey
VMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVM

    As Mr. Pumperdoo was flying down to Earth, the Masters were reviewing
his
previous missions in the up-loader.  As they watched, Mr. Pumperdoo stalked
slowly towards a medium size dwelling that kind of looked like an inverted
cone.  He walked straight up to the pentagonal door (which hurt the brain to
look at on a building of that particular shape) and knocked on it.  A
creature that looked eerily similar to Ross Perot answered the door (it
should be noted that all creatures of this species look like Ross Perot.
Well, the females anyway.  The males look more like Sean Connery from his
James Bond days).  As soon as the door opened, Mr. Pumperdoo jumped at the
creature, knocking it over and straight through a coffee table.  Mr.
Pumperdoo quickly got up and grabbed a gilded bowling ball off the nearby
mantle (bowling is one of the few Earth sports that caught on in other
galaxies.  Go figure).  He then proceeded to force the ball into the
creature's mouth.  The creature tried to scream, but this of course was
impossible, given the sizeable obstruction wedged into his throat.  Shortly
after, the thing died of course.  The bowling ball could be seen making a
perfectly rounded lump in the victim's neck.
    This was the way of Mr. Pumperdoo.  The target was always killed by
having a large object shoved into their throat, usually an object of some
great sentimental value to the future corpse.  Mr. Pumperdoo wiped his blood
stained hands across the victim's shirt.
    Then, as he always did, he turned to the victims pet.and the image
vanished.  Master Zyxx addressed the group.
    "I think we all pretty much agree that this would be a good time to stop
the image.  Those opposed?"
    Of course, nobody stood.  They all knew what came next.
    Yes, he was a rather skilled killer; they had to give him that.  He
could
have been a Master one day, if it hadn't been for the numerous and bizarre
habits he had.  The image had been more then enough to remind them of that.
    It also reminded them that it would be a happy day in all their lives if
he just up and died soon.

    About that time, the man in question was landing on the edge of a
Japanese forest.  Upon leaving the pod, he glanced around his new setting.
Trees, obviously, swaying in the evening breeze.  A perfectly motionless
lake
with a tree set into the center of it.  A house with a sloping red roof with
smoke rising lazily from a chimney.  He could just make out a pair of
figures
on a balcony.  Beyond this, he could see a hill, stairs climbing up the
front
and leading to a smaller dwelling, though he couldn't see what kind exactly.
It didn't matter though; he was only really concerned with the large house.
That was where he would find his newest prey.  He started off towards the
house, silently making a mental list of things he could shove down this ones
throat.

    "Tenchi, I said I didn't need your help.  You should go in to the living
room with Ayeka."
    "Really Sasami, you cooked all that food for us, the least I could do is
help with the dishes."
    Nobouki smiled his usual, devious smile.  "Actually Tenchi, I agree with
Sasami on this one.  You should be out there keeping Ayeka company."  He
nudged his son in the ribs lightly.  "She is all alone on the couch with a
fire going you know.  Very romantic."  He threw in a wink for good measure.
    "Dad, please, knock it off!"
    Sasami laughed.  "Tenchi, your nose is bleeding!  You know what that
means, don't you?"
    Tenchi gave up and wandered towards the water closet to fix up his nose
before either of them decided to point out how red his face felt like it was
becoming.
    >Sorry Tenchi, but I'm with them<.  Tenchi jumped slightly at the voice
flooding his head suddenly.  >Sorry to startle you Tenchi. <
    "<It's okay Victor, I'm almost used to it.  Just remember my one rule>".
    >Yes, I know.  No popping-in in the morning before your first good cup
of
tea is in you.  Anyway, as I was saying, you should try warming up to the
idea of being with Ayeka.  Ryoko's married now, Ayeka's probably your best
shot at a normal relationship<.
    "<Speaking of Ryoko, are you aware that she was in my room this morning
when I was trying to get dressed?  Is that really how you want her spending
your honeymoon, peeping at another man? >".
    Victor laughed in Tenchi's mind.  >Don't flatter yourself.  We both took
quite a liking to this planet, which is why we're staying here for the
honeymoon, not because of you.  We'd be just as happy anywhere else on
Earth.
< Tenchi knew of course that he was joking, they both wanted to be here more
than anywhere else.  >Besides, I don't mind her looking on occasion.  Keeps
you on your toes in case real intruders show up, and you should be used to
it
after all this time<.
    "<Yeah, but still.well no offense, but can you trust her in that
situation? >".  Victor laughed again.
    >Not really, but I can trust you can't I?  Now quit staling and go check
on Ayeka.  I told her you were coming already, and you don't want to keep
her
waiting do you?  And here's a tip for you: invite her to see the sun
setting.
 Ryoko and I were just out on that new balcony your father added on; it's
beautiful right now.  I think I even saw a shooting star not too long ago<.
    "<Well, not if the two of you are still out there.  I don't want to be
in
your way.  Don't you see my point? >".
    >First off, I know you're still just stalling.  And secondly, it turns
out Ryoko has quite a soft spot for sunsets.  We're heading inside right
now.
 Here's hoping you get a similar reaction from the princess<.  Victor
laughed
inside Tenchi's head again.  It had the same sort of note that his father's
laugh always did when he had that subject on his mind.  Which, come to think
of it, was pretty much every time he laughed.  Or spoke, breathed, snored,
chewed food, swallowed, or even just stood there.
    Tenchi gave up yet again.  He finally swallowed his pride and headed
into
the living room.  A week ago, he would have said that one more alien around
the house couldn't make his life more confusing then it already was.  Shows
what he knew.  Just as he was heading into the living room, the door to the
storage unit under the stairs popped open and a mass of red spikes appeared
out of the opening
    "Oh, Tenchi, I was just going to find you.  Could you come into the lab
for a second?"
    "Um, sure Little Washu, but can we make it quick?"  He followed her into
the lab, completely missing seeing her put a sign on the door depicting a
crap covering it's eye which read, "Do not disturb".  Well, he thought. It's
better then giving in to the pressures around him to go be with Ayeka.
Barely.
    "Not a problem, it'll just take a second.  Lie down on that bed please."
Tenchi did as he was told.
    "So, Little Washu, what's this all about?"
    "Well.clumsy me, I dropped the vial with one of your samples from
before.
 I just need a little refill."
    "Um, which sample was it Washu?"
    Clamps shut around his wrists and ankles as a nurses uniform appeared on
Washu, along with her snapping on a pair of rubber gloves, laughing the
whole
time.
    "That's what I was afraid of."
    For some reason, being with Ayeka was looking so much better all of a
sudden.

Continued in U-MAG Volume 1, Chapter 3.

Author's notes: I do not own Ross Perot or Sean Connery.  I hope I really
didn't need to tell you that, but the guys in legal tell me there was a
major
couple class action law suits lately because a mob of anal retentive fans
jumped on a single slip of that nature.  I swear, you'd think people would
be
smart enough to realize that just because you mention the Red Sox in ONE
sentence of ONE chapter, you must own them.  And so you know, I don't own
them either, that was just an example.
    Also, that was what we like to call humor just now.  Get used to it, for
it is my way.  And, as usual, write me with any comments, criticisms,
flames,
death threats, or young women's phone numbers at VM Toumbes@AOL.com.
    Lastly, I'm somewhat more familiar with the OVA series than with
Universe, so if anything I type seems to connect more with that series, I
apologize to you all here and now.
    ~VM Toumbes

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------

Notes: I don't own most of this stuff.  Mr. Pumperdoo belongs to Aaron
Shattuck, as I said before, Victor belongs to me (as does the Guild.  Once
again, no asky, no touchy), and the others belong to Pioneer and AIC.  If
you
really had to be told that the others are not made up characters, then you
aren't really a fan and should go away as you are an offense to the eye and
may you wake to find yourself waking up in Washu's lab donating samples
against your will.  Thank you to all devoted Tenchi fans for your time.

Volume 1, Chapter 3

Greedy Delays
VMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVM

    Mr. Pumperdoo stood just outside the Masaki house, watching through
x-ray
goggles he always had with him.  The boy was walking straight towards the
door, perhaps to come outside.  If so, this would be easier than expected,
and a touch less fun.  But, a job is a job, regardless of how lengthy or
quick it is.  But no, the boy was heading into another room.  He was going
to
go in after the boy after all.
    That's when she appeared.  It wasn't possible, yet there she was.  The
evil genius scientist Washu, right in front of him.  He was sure that the
Strayed had mentioned wanting to start a contract on her for the incident on
the moon1, though hadn't yet, not officially.  But still.
    Mr. Pumperdoo went back to his pod as the boy followed Washu into a
closet, lord only knows why, to call his superiors.
    "Mr. Pumperdoo, in hunt on Earth.  Put me through to any of the
Masters."
 The face of a youngish looking humanoid female appeared on his screen.
    "I-I'm sorry sir, but the Masters are in a meeting at the-."
    "That's perfect, patch me through to the boardroom, please."
    "Sir, I-I would advise against it.  They are currently speaking with the
Strayed about putting out a con-."
    "Yeah, I know, a contract on Professor Washu.  She's here on Earth,
that's why I need to speak with them."
    "Oh my.o-of course, I'll put you right through.sir."  With that, the
overly nervous female vanished and a test pattern came up which read "Please
Hold", followed by elevator music.  Some things are always the same.
Shortly
after that, the Masters' boardroom came into view with all the Masters
themselves around it and a miniature hologram of a Juraian looking man on
the
table.  Most likely the representative for the Strayed.  All eleven sets of
eyes were on him almost immediately.  Zyxx stepped towards the screen.
    "You!  Why are you bothering us during highly sensitive negotiations?"
    "Well sir, I have found the boy you sent me after.  I was going to
mention that living with him is one Professor Washu." The Masters all gasped
at that.  "But I guess that isn't important to you.  Shall I let you get
back
to your negotiations sir?"
    "Mr. Pumperdoo, we are currently working on the details of the price on
Washu's head, but we can say at the moment that we are contracted to kill
her.  Please do so in addition to your previous mission."  The screen went
black.

    Meanwhile, a short distance away, Tenchi was hurrying to leave the lab.
It wasn't easy to run while putting one's pants back on, but he was managing
somehow.  He was barely out the door when Washu stuck her head out again.
"Oh Tenchi!"
    He developed a large sweat drop as he turned back around.  "Um, yes
Little Washu?"
    "One last question I need to ask you."
    Tenchi sighed with relief that it wasn't going to be some other "test"
that she had to run on him.  "What is it Washu?"
    "Was it good for you too?"  She laughed her evil laugh as the door
closed
again.  A second later it opened again and Tenchi jumped back.  A small hand
shot out and took the sign back off the door.
    "What did she mean by that Tenchi?"  Tenchi jumped again at the voice
behind him, only to be caught by the voice's owner.  "You're so nervous
tonight Tenchi.  Maybe you need some rest.  I'll just take you upstairs to
my
room and put you to bed."  The person swung Tenchi over their back and took
him up the stairs, laughing.  About that time, a higher pitched voice came
from the bottom of the stairs.
    "Miss Ryoko!  Please put Lord Tenchi down right now!  Are you not
forgetting something?"
    "Oh, that's right!  Thank you Princess, I completely forgot."  Tenchi
and
Ayeka looked at each other (well, as best Tenchi could manage in his
position) with identical looks of shock.  Was she actually starting to
develop morals?
    "I'm all out of protection.  Oh well, no loss.  Kills the feeling
anyway."  With that, she continued on her merry way.  "NO!  Miss Ryoko, that
is not what I meant."  Ryoko stopped again and took on a straining look, as
though she really couldn't put her finger on what Ayeka meant.  Eventually,
she snapped the fingers on her free hand.
    "That's right, I forgot all about Victor!"  The two sighed in relief
once
more.  "Guess we better crash in your room tonight, huh Tenchi?"
    "MISS RYOKO!"
    "Fine, spoil my fun if you must Princess.  You can have him."  With
that,
she lobbed Tenchi over the stair rails, over Ayeka's head, and into the
living room.  She laughed as Ayeka screamed, turned stark white and fainted.

    Mr. Pumperdoo had also turned rather white (whiter than usual at any
rate) at what he had just seen.  Once again, he saw the boy and was just
about to charge in when he saw the space pirate Ryoko materialize at the
foot
of the stairs.  And, once again, he had to hurry back to his pod to have the
Masters do a check on how many running contracts were currently on Ryoko's
head.  The boy could wait.

    Zyxx was just getting through the chitchat that these meetings always
included, mostly just getting the facts on what Washu had done on the moon.
Unfortunately, that was when that egg shaped freak had showed up on screen
once again.
    "What is it this time, we are quite busy here you know?"
    "Yeah, sorry about that sir.  Ryoko's here too.  What's she worth to
us?"
    Zyxx snarled, flashing vampiric teeth.   "More than you are, get it?"
    "Yes sir, out."  The screen went blessedly black once again.
    "Now then, where were we?"

    "I swear Miss Kiyone, if that woman doesn't quit this behavior soon, I
will have to turn her over to the Jurai military personally.  I mean, it was
bad enough when she hounded Lord Tenchi before, but now that she is a
married
woman and she tries to rape and then murder him?  It is just too much, I can
only pray in thanks that he landed on the couch rather than-"
    "I'm sorry to cut you off Princess Ayeka, but it's been a very rough day
for me, what with three part time jobs and Galaxy Police work?  Did you know
I was fired today?  Can a member of royalty you even begin to gauge the
scope
of mental and physical strain I'm talking about here?  To put it short, I'm
really tired and if this rant doesn't come to an end soon, I will shoot you.
Understood?"
    "You think being fired from a single job is cause for mental strain, try
and imagine what I'm going through here.  I thought Lord Tenchi had been
killed by that-"
    "Ayeka, perhaps you don't believe me when I say I'm under very heavy
stress.  I'll try again.  The job I was fired from today?  It was as a
costumed waitress in that fast food restaurant/arcade downtown.  It's
similar
to that pizza place in America, with the big rat, what's his name?  I was
fired from there.  This is the third time I've been fired from there.  I
actually had to crawl back to them and beg for THAT job back, twice now no
less.  I'm not even sure why they took me back, and I'll be damned if I know
why they let Mihoshi back too.  In a week, I might be going back to beg some
more.  THAT is the level of stress I'm under.  Do you get it now, Miss
Ayeka?"
    "Yes ma'am."
    "Kiyone, you weren't actually going to shoot Ayeka were you?"
    "Don't yell in my ear Mihoshi, that death threat counts for you too."

    Mr. Pumperdoo couldn't believe what he was seeing.  Two GP detectives
lived here too?  What kind of joint was this?
    "Must be like that place in 'Casablanca'.  Well, better call up Zyxx
again."

    "So, having settled on a price, do we have a contract?"
    The Masters were all nervous.  The price they had finally settled on
(not
that they were SETTLING in the strictest sense of the word really) was
rather
high.  This could well make the good Professor one of the most profitable
living life forms in the known Universe.
    Unfortunately, that's when the screen came on.
    "Hello again!"
    "Jesus please-us, who the hell keeps putting your messages through!?"
    "Um, that nervous girl, I don't know her name."
    "Mara, sir, tell her she's going to Hell if this guy interrupts us one
more time."
    "Yes sir, Zyxx."
    "I was just calling to ask; how much do we pay assassins for the death
of
a Galaxy Police detective again?"
    "Five hundred credits for each confirmed kill, now would you please just
get the job done!  Kill anyone that seems appropriate and we'll sort out the
price later!"
    "Gotcha!  See y'all when I get back!  Out."
    "So, sorry for the interruption," Zyxx said, then threw in under her
breath, "Again."
    "In any case, do we have a contract on Washu?"
    "Well Zyxx, I was willing to agree a moment ago.  But now, well.quite
frankly, if that small freak who kept sending messages is any indication of
the people you employ-"
    "No, please, don't base a judgement on him, he's just one isolated
idiot."
    "Be that as it may, we feel this job would be better suited for a
more.professional group than yourselves.  However, we are still willing to
offer our assistance whenever it is needed.  And lord if it doesn't look
like
you need all the help you can get."  With that, the hologram faded out.
    Zyxx let out one big sigh and turned to the other Masters.  "If he comes
back, which is doubtful, remind me to have him killed.  A lot."

Footnotes: 1) Refer to chapter 25 of the Universe continuation story I
wrote.
Author's notes: Don't worry, a real plot is on the way.  I'm new to this,
this being the first fan fiction of my own creation that I've written.  The
final chapter in this volume should be written shortly.  I just need to
think
of a good way to kill our dear friend Mr. Pumperdoo.  Severely.
    Until then, send all comments and criticisms (the former being the more
preferred mind you) to me at VM Toumbes@AOL.com.
    And as always, thank you for your time.
        ~VM Toumbes
Notes: I don't own most of this stuff.  Mr. Pumperdoo belongs to Aaron
Shattuck, as I said before, Victor belongs to me (as does the Guild.  Once
again, no asky, no touchy), and the others belong to Pioneer and AIC.  If
you
really had to be told that the others are not made up characters, then you
aren't really a fan and should go away as you are an offense to the eye and
may you be forced to listen to Mihoshi rambling in her usual fashion for
several hours.  Thank you to all devoted Tenchi fans for your time.

Volume 1, Chapter 4

All The King's Horse and All The King's Men
VMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVM

    Tenchi finally woke up and was relieved to find that he wasn't being
"checked out" by the resident self-proclaimed doctor.  This was always a
plus, not that it happened all too often after "accidents" of this sort.
You'd think that with Ryoko married now she would ease off and things would
be simpler.  But then, you'd be wrong.
    "Tenchi, welcome back to the land of the living.  How are you?"
Tenchi's
vision was still a tad blurry, and said as much, but he knew that voice
pretty well already.
    "I'm not as bad as I've been before Victor.  What happened to the
girls?"
    "I assumed it would be best if got rid of them for a while.  We all
figured you'd have a headache when you woke up."
    "And you figured right my friend.  So, where are they now?"
    "Washu took the liberty of rigging up a pair of sound proof booths in
her
lab."
    "And that was enough to solve the situation?  Just two sound proof
booths?"
    "Well, until Ryoko blew a hole in hers.  Right now she's actually--"
    "WASHU, DAMNIT, MAKE THE PAIN STOP!"
    "Washu's running a few tests on her, right Victor?"
    He grinned.  "Why, however did you know, Tenchi?"  They both had a good
laugh over that.  Finally, they were able to stop long enough to notice how
late it had gotten.
    "Well Victor, I need to go get some sleep.  See you in the morning."  He
was almost to the stairs when he was stopped.
    "Tenchi, let me ask you something.  Do you really think you're going to
be able to sleep tonight?  Hey, I love Ryoko and all, but I'll be the first
to admit how loud she can be, if properly."
    "MAKE IT STOP!  MAKE IT #%$*ING STOP!"
    "Motivated."
    Tenchi sighed and headed back the other way.  "You have a point.  What
do
you say we check out what's on television?"
    "I'm way ahead of you.  I knew things would get to this point tonight."
    "Oh right, I keep forgetting about your psychic abilities."
    "Oh, I didn't need them this time.  In any case, there's a horror movie
coming on in a few minutes that sounded good.  Plus, I had Washu make these
for occasions like this.  Headphones that filter out the exact pitch of
Ryoko's voice."  He slipped his pair on.
    "WASHU, I SAID TO MAKE IT F-"
    Tenchi had hurriedly slipped his on.  "Remind me to thank Washu later
for
these."  They moved to get comfortable on the couch just as Sasami came of
the kitchen with a tray of cracker-pizzas, pigs in blankets, and cocktail
wienies.  Mihoshi followed with a tray holding a huge pile of chips and
Kiyone with one that had several bowls.  These turned out to hold salsa
(both
red and green), guacamole, and onion dip.  It was fairly easy to guess why
Kiyone had insisted on moving the dips separately from the chips.  It would
be easy to pick up dry chips when Mihoshi dropped them (not if, when).  It
had been Victor who had insisted that they try American foods shortly after
he had arrived in the Masaki home and all had loved it almost from the
start.
 Mostly the wide variety of snack foods and desserts.  The trays were set
down and the detectives slipped on their own headphones.  Sasami had already
had her pair on when she came out.  Victor saw what Tenchi was looking at.
    "Washu was nice enough to make sure she had them on before starting her
tests.  Guess we all just know Ryoko a little too well by now, hmm?"  They
all had another good laugh and then turned the movie on.  Ayeka wandered in
then and made herself comfortable between Tenchi and Sasami.  Kiyone glanced
over.
    "Come on Ayeka, you can't even trust your little sister to be too close
to Tenchi, is that it?  She's only a child, you don't have to worry." Of
course, that was exactly what she had been thinking.
    Ayeka turned bright red.  "Why, no, of course not Miss Kiyone.  Whatever
gave you that idea?  It's insane to think I would consider Sasami somebody
to
compete with, I just wanted to sit by my sister and my host--"
    "Ayeka, I was joking.  Looks like I hit a nerve though, huh?"
    Ayeka laughed into her sleeve.  "Why yes Kiyone, you've figured me out.
A lovely young woman like myself is afraid of her sister, how looks to be
only eight, stealing a man from her.  Come now, you must have known I was
playing up your joke."
    "Here, I'll settle this," Tenchi said as he moved past Ayeka and sat
between both princesses.  He put an arm around each of their shoulders.
"There.  Neither of you kawaii ladies should be jealous of the other."
Another good laugh to go around.
    "Is there room for one more 'kawaii lady'?"  With that, a small redhead
flew over the couch and landed right in Tenchi's lap.
    "Well, I guess we could squeeze you in Little Washu.  Is Ryoko going to
join us too then?"  In answer, two slender limbs slipped around his neck.
Tenchi sighed as he pulled his headphones off.
    "Ryoko, if you must do that, at least use your arms."  Ryoko let go and
began moving around to the front of the couch.
    "What's wrong Tenchi?  You don't like my legs?"  With that, she gave
Sasami a questioning look.  Sasami took on a confused look, and then
comprehension set in.  She winked and moved to join Washu.  Ryoko slid in
under Tenchi's newly freed up arm and snuggled in close.  Victor laughed.
    "I still can't believe you let your wife do this sort of thing to me."
    "Well Tenchi, I know where she's going to end up tonight regardless, so
why not?"   >Keeps Ayeka on her toes too, right? <
    "Yes it does Victor."
    Ryoko looked up at him.  "It does what?"  She turned on Victor.  "Are
you
giving him private messages again?  What did you say, tell meeee!"  Still
more laughter at the 'infamous space pirate Ryoko' whining in such a pitiful
manner.  With that, they turned on the television and switched to the movie.
Washu was intrigued from the start.
    "Ooh, 'Attack of the Mutant Foods'.  Sounds almost scientific, I might
need to experiment with that idea some time."  Everyone else silently prayed
she was joking.
    Tenchi looked around him.  A young ladies on either arm, two little
girls
(well, sort of in Washu's case) on his lap, a few more good friends a little
ways down, plus a movie and good food to share with all them.  This was
turning out to be one of the best evenings in the Masaki household in his
opinion.

    Outside, Mr. Pumperdoo had decided to stop and take a quick rest.  After
so many laps to and from his pod, his stubby legs were long since worn out.
Besides, all of his intended victims were in one place, all unknowing of his
presence, and all bound to be in front of the television for at least two
hours during the movie.  No, it was a network channel, which meant three
hours with commercials.  For once those all too often film interruptions
would be of some use.
    He sat down in a convenient shadow and planned his next move.  It would
be best to pick them off one by one rather than in a single bloody assault.
Also, he couldn't very well choke all of them at once in his usual fashion.
That was his calling card, it wouldn't be right to throw that away.  But
which one to start with?
    <Alright brain, let's think about this rationally.  Washu would pose the
biggest threat in the lab she no doubt has where she stores all the devices
she no doubt also has, but if the lab is large enough then her screams will
be muffled.  Plus, with so many devices around, finding something to ram
down
her throat should be simple enough. >
    <But, this boy had quite a high price on his head.  He might be more
difficult to kill.  Maybe it would be best to start there? >  He looked
through the wall at his intended victim.
    <Ryoko seems to be close to him.  If I go for him, he might be near
enough to stop me.  And if she'd throw her love from the second floor into
unknown danger, what would she do to somebody else trying to hurt him?  Yes,
I need to hunt her first. >
    With that planned out, his feeble mind gave out and he fell asleep.  If
his brain had still been functioning, he might have realized that this lack
of a sense of duty was why he was so despised among the other Guild members.

    A few hours later, the Masaki household was just turning off the
television and heading to bed.  Ayeka was carrying the sleeping form of her
young sister up the stairs, Ryoko was floating up to her room, and the two
detectives were pulling out the spare bedding which they seem to use all to
often.  Tenchi, Victor, and Washu were cleaning up the mess and quietly
discussing what they had just watched.
    "I'm sorry, but I liked it.  I love cheesy B-movies like those, though
the commercials were more then excessive."
    Washu shook her blazing red head once more.  "Tenchi, listen, as a
scientist I can tell you that it was impossible to do what they were saying.
Firstly, food can not grow into huge monsters.  Second, if they could, why
would they want to run around knocking over buildings and flat out reeking
havoc?  Third, even if all that were possible, why would and, quote, "top
scientific mind" as they put it in the movie be eating in his lab right next
to an open vat of toxic waste?"
    "But Little Washu, that's the point, it's suppose to be impossible."
    "Yeah well, a little common sense would have been nice.  My biggest
peeve
with the movie for example; the leader of the food, the giant egg.  The army
can't stop it, the air force was blowing up more than the creature was, and
even the laser they tried bouncing off a satellite didn't work.  But they
pull out the huge laser that looked exactly like an eggbeater that they just
happened to have in the back and just forgot about the whole time and the
monster turns into one big omelet?  I say it would be much easier to kill
than all that."
    Victor grinned, lost in his own private little inside joke.  That said,
they all slipped off to bed.

    Outside, Mr. Pumperdoo was just waking up.  Seeing that the living room
was now empty, he made his way slowly up the side of the house.  He looked
through one window to see two women on cots, one of them with most of her
limbs hanging over the sides.  Through the next, a pair of women again, this
time both on mats on the ground.  One had her hair tried straight back, the
smaller one with her hair up in two mouse looking balls.  Moving down still
further, he saw the silhouette of a clump of spikes a short distance up from
ample breasts.  Not quite halfway between these two obvious physical
landmarks was a point nose turning up just slightly.  The shape rolled onto
its side and he saw an ear that managed to be pointy while still rectangular
in shape.  Put them together and it had to be Ryoko.  Mr. Pumperdoo
carefully
opened the window and eased himself in.  In the back of his mind, a nagging
thought kept trying to put itself into the range of coherent thinking, but
couldn't quite make it.  Something about this room being different somehow
from the others he had just seen.
    <But how?  How is this room different from those other two?  Only one
person inside?  No, that isn't it.  An actually bed?  Nope, not it either. >
    "The fact that this room was darker then the others, say, dark enough to
hide a second person?"
    Mr. Pumperdoo had just enough time to realize that that was it, how he
could see the people in the other rooms, but only a silhouette in this one.
Then, his body was hit with what felt like a quick gale of wind knocking him
out the window only to explode into a messy splat on the ground below.
Surprisingly, his innards were nothing like those of an egg as one would
guess from his outward appearance.   They were more.red, and.lumpy, kind of
thick, not runny like a yolk.  Plus, eggs smell better and tend to have
fewer
bones sticking out of them.
    Victor smiled to himself.  These new psychic powers of his were turning
out to be pretty handy, especially in detecting intruders around the house
or
pushing large objects.  He laughed softly as he looked out the newly
shattered window in his room.  "Hmm, that *was* easy.  Guess Washu was right
about killing mutant eggs."

    In the Guild, the Masters had watched the whole thing through the tiny
cameras that were implanted in all members.  Not as good as the up-loader,
but useful none the less in time like these.  They had mixed emotions on
what
they had just seen.  Mr. Pumperdoo was no longer their problem, but these
people living with the boy would be.  Luckily, they had a few idea lined up
already.  A quick call to the science department among the Strayed, then
they
just had to find a way to get Tenchi to wander into their jurisdiction, let
those people handle it.  No sense endangering more members just yet..

VMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVMVM

    What do they need the Strayed for?  Whose jurisdiction is Tenchi going
to
wander into?  What people do the Masters mean?  Is anybody reading this who
actually cares about these questions?  Most of these answers in U-MAG Volume
2, coming soon.

End of Volume 1

    Author's notes: Okay, I'll admit that these chapters weren't as good as
those I've done before.  Also, in case nobody noticed, fight sequences
aren't
coming easy for me.  I'll try to improve soon.  If you wish to write and
tell
me how to improve, or any other form of constructive criticism, write to me
at VM Toumbes@AOL.com.  Or, if you want to loan me an idea for an assassin
for future use, please copy and paste this form to an E-mail and fill it out
(same E-mail address, headed "Assassin" so I'll know it's not junk mail).
Any chapter with your assassin will be sent to you first for proofreading
and
to insure that I use your character properly.  Plus, I'll give you 50% of
the
$0.00 I get from Gensao for each of said chapters, just cause I'm a nice
guy.

Name:
   Species:
   Homeworld:
   Age:
   Height:
   Weight:
   Hair:
   Eyes:

   Notes:

    Other then that, not much to say except I hope you read Volume 2, which
will be found in the Crossover section most likely once it's written (but I
can't tell you why just yet).  Also, I'd like to apologize to Aaron Shattuck
for killing his character so quickly and easily.  He didn't seem much like
the fighting type though, so I thought this would be for the best.
    In any case, thank you for your time.
        ~VM Tomubes