The ship pierced the inky black void like a serpent gliding through the
murky black waters of some bottomless bog, drifting without running
lights or sensors.  To anyone who might have glanced in its direction,
it would have seemed to have been nothing more than another patch of
black against an already obsidian backdrop.  
	On board the ship one would have found a small bridge with various
drones performing various tasks at various stations, all in all making
for a pretty tedious and commonplace bridge.  The figure sitting at the
center of this bridge however, is by no means commonplace.  Unmoving,
unblinking, the figure stared ahead at the monitor before him as it
displayed a plethora of pictures, distorted and hazy, at an incredible
speed.  As the figure absorbed this scrambled, distorted information, a
voice, although tiny and seemingly far off in the sub regions of his
nano-engineered mind, was starting to speak.  No great rants or
speeches, it just uttered a word, over and over.  

	A name.

	And as this name was repeated, a plan started to from inside the
figure's mechanical mind.  A plan that the likes of which hadn't been
attempted since...

	Well let's just say since the autumn of 1970.

*** 

BGlander's presents...


The Alchemy of the Daughter of the Far Away Feeling of the Magical
Universe of Self-Insertion and Really Bad Puns.

Or...

Continuity be damned!  This is a Fanfic!  Where's My Aspirin?!?

Chapter the first: Cosmic Frisbees and Stranger Things…
*** 

	For most young men, the idea of awaking each morning to a vision of
beauty would be more than ideal.  Now let's toss in the fact that the
vision of beauty in question was more than willing to do anything for
him, including die if need be, and most young men would be on cloud
nine.

	However, one in particular wasn't.

	"Ryoko!"  The cry was a familiar one from the young man in question. 
Tenchi Masaki, future emperor of Jurai and arguably one of the most
powerful beings in the universe, once again found himself pinned under a
very playful Ryoko.  Tenchi knew that she was playing, of course.  After
countless mornings of rising only to find her golden eyes shining right
in front of his.  He knew that she really wasn't going to do anything
that he wouldn't want her to, but out of habit, he proceeded to protest.
	"Aww, come on Tenchi, its time to rise and shine, but for now let's
just get you to rise."
	After several more minutes of screaming and kicking, Tenchi was able to
free himself from his would-be wife.  He then did his best to try to get
through the rest of his morning without incident.  This lasted for all
of three minutes as Ryoko and Aeka began their morning calisthenics.
	"Miss Ryoko, just because I'm wearing a little perfume is no reason to
say I'm a hussy!"
	"Look, little princess, I said that you're always fussy, not a hussy,
although if the shoe fits..."
"So you think I'm easy AND a nitpicker?!  That's it!"

	Tenchi proceeded to hide in the bathroom as the battle of the beauties
once again begun.

*** <-- NOTE: * thingies mean scene change.  Change is good.

	Doctor Washu, the most renowned scientific genius in the universe and
arguably the most kawaii, was sitting as usual in her favorite hover
cushion and running her morning diagnostics on her sub-space lab.  All
was going nice and smooth as the red-haired wonder idly sat, munching on
some breakfast and breezing through the oceans of data that assaulted
her optics.  All seemed nice and normal.

	Well, almost everything.

	"What the hell?!"

	The displays before Washu lit up like a Christmas tree.  Somewhere,
somehow, something bad was happening.  Now when one says bad, bad can
mean a multitude of things.  In this case, the bad thing was on Washu's
'We are severely screwed' list.

	"We are severely screwed."

	Yep, I think I hit the nail on the head.

(Insert fourth wall shattering effect here)

*** WARNING: Incredibly absurd plot device ahead.

	On the Great Plain of Reality (tm), the great powers that be, most of
whom generally just mess with the earth for their own petty self
amusement, were standing around doing their usual god stuff.  One was
yawning, one was playing his game boy while another, this one in a black
suit, was paying particular attention to the Great Pool of Reality
(tm).  In case you couldn't figure it out, the Great Pool of Reality
(tm) was where the Gods observed those in the mortal realm, i.e. earth. 
Things in the pool had seemed all nice and dandy.  Then, the unspeakable
happened.

	"Hey, someone catch the Frisbee!"

	The lesser gods watched in horror as the Great Frisbee of Reality (tm)
skipped across the pool, coming nicely to a stop just out of everyone's
reach.  All around the pool, there were cries of terror and shock from
the kamis.
"The Frisbee!"
	"Now what are we going to do!"
	"Urd, you threw it, you go get it!"
	"No way!  That water's all... dank and stuff!  Tsunami, you get it!"
	"But I didn't throw it!  Sis, could you...?"
	"I'm not getting my robes all soaked for your stupid Frisbee!  It's
your 	own faults!  You all get it out!"
	"QUIET!"

	The bickering stopped as the black suited kami continued to study the
pool.  "You fools, don't you realize what you've done?  The Great
Frisbee of Reality (tm) has made ripples in the pool!  Now all of space
and time will be distorted!"  

	"So?"

	The kami in black, who smelled heavily of self-insertion, bopped Queen
Serenity on the head.  "That means that until we get that Frisbee out of
the pool, things in the multiverse are gonna start to cross.  Ripples
will ensue.  Cats and dogs will start living together!  Hentai fics will
start to focus solely on Hotaru and Pretty Sammy!  DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME
NOW?"
	The kamis around the pool shuddered as one at the man in black's
words.  With fear in her eyes, the blue haired kami spoke up.  "Until we
figure out how to get our toy back, what can we do?"  
	The Kami in black thought for a moment and then started pointing. 
"You, Belldandy and Ifurita can help me get the Frisbee back.  The rest
of you turn on the Great Television of Reality (tm) and tell us if
anything starts to go wrong."  
	As the various cosmic beings plopped down in their Lazy-Trees, Queen
Serenity paused and turned back to the man in black.  "Hey, wait a
minute!  How come you're the one ordering us around?  After all, I don't
recall really seeing you around here until now, so what gives you the
right to tell us what to do?"  
Tsunami and Skuld suddenly rushed to Serenity and clamped her mouth shut
while Tokimi explained.  "Quiet you fool!  He works for... the Master!"
	"You mean... the one who controls even our destinies?"
	"The same."
	"Hmm, this explains the air of self-insertion around him.  Very well,
in 	that case I shall do as he says."

	With that, the various kamis went about their business, each wondering
what new and exciting entertainment their blunder would produce.

*** 
MY GOD, IT'S FULL OF STARS...
*** 

	Trapped eternally in orbit around the earth, a satellite that was
shaped strangely like a dog's chew bone was sailing silently through the
inky void.  On board the strangely shaped vessel, the lone human
crewmember was conversing with his robotic comrades.  

	"Tom, do you get the feeling that something bad is about do descend
upon us?"
	"Define bad.  Oscar bad or campy bad?
	"Campy bad.  Real campy.  For some reason, one I just can't place, I
get 	the feeling that the Mads have something up their sleeve...
something 	bad..."
	"Another campy fic?  Come on Joel, after some of the fics we've been 
forced to read, what could possibly break our spirits?"
	The red jump suited janitor shrugged and said, "Dunno Tom, but
something bad is happening, I can feel it... something that will affect
us in the near future..."

	On that happy, yet slightly cryptic note, we'll leave Joel and his
robots on their Satellite of Love until another time.  Hey, with the way
this fic is going so far, odds are good it'll wind up there soon enough
anyway.  Now, back to the somewhat confusing story line, but first, a
real life moment with the author.

*** ARG! Writers block sucks...

	The author sat in his black comfy chair and squinted at the painful
white glow of his monitor as his fingers clumsily danced across the
keyboard.  It was late.  Really darn late.  Actually if you wanted to
get technical about it the time was rather early, but at the moment, the
author didn't care.  He was tired.  He was cranky.  He had just spent
over an hour putting up Christmas lights in his dorm room when he
realized that in two months he'd have to take them down again. 
Somewhere a higher being was laughing, the author was sure of this.
	With a deep sigh, the author stretched and tried to organize his
sleep-deprived thoughts into some sort of cohesion for his latest fic. 
His others were going okay... kind of.  He already had several series
going and didn't have the foggiest idea in hell how to continue them. 
Ahh well, that's just how life is sometimes... I guess...
	Inspiration!  Sweet, lovely inspiration!  The author sat up
triumphantly, cracking his knuckles and setting to type up a storm,
thereby ending this pointless stream of interludes.  Already the voices
of reason in his head had asked him what the hell he was doing, but the
author didn't care.  This was a Fanfic after all, and that meant that
anything could happen.  And by god, anything was exactly what he had in
mind.

	With a scratch of his beard and a shifting of his weight in the
all-powerful comfy chair, the author set back to working on the fic.

	"As the afternoon..."

*** <-- Insert campy batmanish scene change here.

	As the afternoon rolled on in the Masaki household, each of it's
tenants could be found in their usual places; Sasami in the kitchen,
Mihoshi watching TV, Ryoko in the rafters sleeping, Aeka looking for
Ryoko and Tenchi out in the fields.  All in all it was just another day.

	Yep, just another peaceful day.

	Yep, just another peaceful, boring, mundane, typical...

	"Everybody!  We've got a problem here!"

	Like a crab on speed, Washu burst from her closet lab with a large
jumble of data printouts in her hand.  The others, being bored out of
their minds quickly gathered around to see what was up.
	"What's up?" Ryoko asked as she teleported from her rafter to Washu's
side.  Before Washu could answer, Aeka hit Ryoko over the head with one
of Sasami's frying pans.  "Ouch!  Hey, what was that for?"
	Aeka shrugged and said, "No real reason I guess, other than we haven't
had our stereotypical afternoon fight yet and I was just getting antsy."
		
	"Oh.  Well in that case, I forgive you."
	
	"PEOPLE!  CAN I PLEASE HAVE YOUR ATTENTION FOR A MOMENT, OR WOULD THAT
BE TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?"

	The group went silent as a vein in Washu's head started to pulse.  Once
she was positive she had everyone's attention, she cleared her throat,
counted to 10 and continued.  "Look, this morning I detected a
disturbance in space/time.  At first I thought it was just a gravity
flux or a nova or something like that, but the more I monitored it the
more I realized what it was."
	Sasami, who generally got worried whenever Washu got that 'we're all
screwed' look on her face, decided to ask a question that she just knew
would get a bad answer. "What was it, Miss Washu?"  
	"It was a cosmic ripple.  A big one actually.  Come to think of it, I'd
call it more of a cosmic title wave crashing through the barriers of the
Multiverse like a cannon ball through Cray paper.  Now, since I know
from experience that what I just said means absolutely nothing to you
since none of you are even as remotely smart as I am, let me be
convenient and break it down now.  
	'The Multiverse is like a dimensional sandcastle, each grain of sand in
that castle being a reality.  This wave I detected is going to roughly
have the effect of Ryo-Ohki charging the sand castle as if a carrot was
hidden at the center of it."
	Sasami, once again being the only soul brave enough to ask, spoke up.

	"That's... bad, right Miss Washu?"

	Washu nodded.  "Very bad.  Incredibly bad.  So bad that I really don't
want to think about it."  Ryoko chose this moment to find her voice.
	"So what can we do to stop this from happening?  After all, you're the
greatest scientific genius in the universe!  You must have a plan or
something!  Right?"  Washu nodded and the group instantly felt the
pressure of the last few minutes slightly lift.  "Great.  So what's the
plan?"
	"Well Ryoko, for now the plan is to just sit back and ride this thing
out until it's over."

	All at once, the stress that had been lifting from the group suddenly
gained several tons to its weight and resumed its position on the heads
of the group.  A face fault, one that Yosho would have been proud of,
ensued.  Mihoshi, who was about two seconds from ultra-whine mode
shakily said, "But you just said it was bad, and when you say something
is bad then... then... this isn't my fault, is it Miss Washu?"
	Washu sweat dropped and patted the sobbing Galaxy Police Detective on
the head.  "No Mihoshi.  For once the world is screwed and it's not
because you were in the lab."  Mihoshi's face lit up and a flood of
'thank you's and 'oh wow's ensued.  Washu merely patted Mihoshi on the
head while the others had a nervous breakdown.
	"So Little Washu, what exactly is going to happen to us when this wave
hits?"  Washu shrugged and tried to get Mihoshi to stop hugging her.  
	"Maybe nothing, but most likely something.  For the next few days the
general balance of things might get messed up a bit.  We'll most likely
see other-dimensional versions of ourselves, cats and dogs will live
together, Hotaru will become the sole focus of lemon writers, stuff like
that."  The others shivered at the thought of being subjected to more
bad lemons, then slowly but surely the full implications of what Washu
had said finally sunk in.
	"Um, Little Washu?  So this wave, it's not going to kill us or
anything, right?"  Washu nodded.
	"Nope, our mortality is not at risk from the wave, but be warned; from
here on out life is going to be a bit more interesting than usual."
	A chorus of 'Oh's and 'I see's arose.  One by one, the various members
of the Masaki household went their separate ways.

Well, except for Ryoko.

	"Hey mom, if this thing isn't really all that dangerous then why'd you
burst out of the lab like that and scare us all?"  Washu shrugged again
and re-entered her lab.  
	"Because my little Ryoko, you all looked so bored I just had to do
something to keep you on your feet."

*** <--Three stars folks!  A must see!  Coming to a Fan fiction Archive
near you... 

	The ship glided through space like an anaconda cutting through the inky
black waters of some deep, forgotten pool.  On board the craft, the
figure sat poised before the craft's main terminal.  The ship was
designed to be his counterpart, the Ying to his Yang, the Lucy to his
Ricky.

	Currently, Lucy was being picky again.

"No damnit!  I said I wanted to go to the autumn of 1970!  Now, for the
last time, would you please set the time/space warp controls"
	"But Ricky..."
	The figure slammed his fist down beside the council and swore in a
forgotten language.  For some reason his computer, his better half in
this oh-so-chaotic existence was not obeying him.  This not only
infuriated the being at the controls but also confused the hell out of
him.  After all, the OS wasn't programmed to disobey.  Every once in
awhile it would get pushy, but never had it ever disobeyed its master.

	Well, there's always a first time for everything.
	
	"My name is not Ricky!  I should never have let you tune in to those
earth television shows..."
	"But Ricky, they're so fun to watch!  Aww, can we go somewhere nice?  I
hear California is nice.  It's sunny too.  I read that it's so sunny
there you can actually walk around all year in a tee shirt!  Please..."
	"Stop calling me Ricky!  I have a name!  I... I have many names..."
	
	Strangely enough, the figure did have many names.  Each one was
assigned to a different body.  When the Galaxy Police first built him,
they decided to give each unit an individual name.  The GP psychologists
claimed it would help build their self-esteem.  In the end it only
caused mass confusion, but that's okay, because as it turns out in the
end most of them met violent deaths in the line of service.  
	The figure snapped out of his drifting voice and returned his attention
to the computer.  
	"Look!  If you don't send me where I need to go THIS INSTANT I'm
gonna...I'll... I'll upload Skylights 3.1!"
	
	(NOTE:  At this time it's probably a good time to explain that
Skylights 3.1 was an OS designed several years ago for personal AI
systems in the Jurain empire.  Unfortunately, the system was so
unbelievably slow and bug-ridden that it caused the Economy Crisis of
94.  In an effort to save face, the Jurain Empire was forced to replace
it with Skylights 95.  Interestingly enough, Skylights 95 turned out to
have just as many bugs as its predecessor, yet the Jurain public didn't
care as long as it was new, and therefore yet another coup against the
House of Jurai was averted.
	Another nugget of joy to note would be that Skylights 95 is in no way
meant to be a rip on Windows.  Nope, not at all...)

	The ship gave a shudder as it begged the figure at the controls for
forgiveness.  "Forgive me!  I'll... I'll take you where you need to be. 
Just sit back and leave the complicated math-stuff to me, okay?  Right? 
Yes?"  The figure nodded and sat back in his captain's chair while his
computer, staying true to it's words, proceeded to open a dimensional
wormhole and transport it, the figure and the ship they were in to
exactly where the OS thought they needed to go.

*** You know, Sremrofsnart is Transformers spelled backwards.

	Truth be known, there's a lot of stuff in space.  

	When you consider that space is so incredibly huge, it's quite easy to
see how some bits of this and that could get lost in the infinite void. 
Imagine how much debris and garbage is just floating out there, lost and
forgotten to all.
	It was one of these pieces of debris that I would like to turn your
attention to.  This one seemed like any other; big, metallic and beat
up, but obviously made by humanoid hands.  In truth, it was part of a
ship.  A big ship.  A ship that was so big that when it was on display
in the Museum of Science and Quantum Physics it took three hours to go
through.  
	
	Of course, that was before it was stolen.

	The thief had been on the run for a good five thousand years or so,
always stealing priceless artifacts from various museums and destroying
any GP craft that was in his way.  The Museum of Science and Quantum
Physics' board of trustees were of course concerned with the retrieval
and return of their one-time star attraction for several millennia.  

	Then a little while back some kid with a sword tore the living hell out
of it.

	(After that, the board of trustees abandoned their once precious star
attraction with curses on their breaths and their eyes on another
galactic ship to take the former ship's place.  As fate would have it,
the next ship they had their eyes on was the SDF-1.

	Somewhere, a kami was laughing.

	However, as that really doesn't have any bearing on the story at hand,
lets press on to why this strange interlude exists.)

	Amongst the charred wreckage and singed debris, a beacon was slowly
beeping.  As it beeped, the long-dead pieces of the ship slowly started
to reform.

*** And now, back to some characters that we know

	Washu was hard at work in her subspace laboratory when she heard the
all-too-familiar clanking of her crab doorbell.  Turning, Washu noticed
that Sasami had wandered with Ryo-Ohki in her arms to pay the red-haired
scientist a visit.  Washu instantly put on a smile and walked over to
Sasami, hoping that the little princess would tell her something good
like dinner was ready or that Tenchi had grown a spine in the night.

	"Miss Washu?  I think Ryo-Ohki is broken."

	Of course, the odds that Sasami had any good news for Washu today were
about 1,254,887,934,298 to 1.

	"Broken?  What do you mean she's broken?  She can't break!  I should
know, after all, I built her!  Here, let me take a look..." Sasami held
the cabbit up for Washu to see.  Indeed, the cabbit appeared to be
fine.  Washu took out a pen and poked the cabbit's arm.

	"Excuse me, but would you mind not poking me with that?  Thank you."

	Yes indeed.  Everything seemed fine. <--(Insert sarcasm)

*** End of chapter the first... notes to follow.

Hiya folks!

Guess what?  Due to the fact that I have so many series going at once,
I've decided to... DO ANOTHER SERIES!  Actually this was meant to be a
one shot deal, but I need sleep and I want to see what folks will think
of this.  

More silliness to come.  Honest.

Tenchi & Co. belong to AIC and Pioneer.

All those others belong to someone else.  Don't sue me, it won't do any
good. (I'm poor folks)

All rants, raves, screams and what-nots should hurl towards
BGlanders@aol.com