Narrator: Who will battle it out today, but the famous cast of the infamous series: "Tenchi Muyo" (English translation: No Need for Tenchi) Our first bout: The legendary demoness Ryoko, vs. Ayeka Jurai, member of the royal family of the Empire of Jurai! Our second fight will pit detective first-class, Kiyone, against the one living thing she hates most: Detective first-class Mihoshi, & finally, their arch-rival, now a third-class captain, Mitsuki! Our final bout will be a battle royale between all the surviving cast members, with the great miss Washu Habuki as the referee! Nick: Yessiree, Johnny, this could be the fight of the…er…week! Johnny: Yess, Nick, I am very excited about tonight's fight, being an avid otaku, especially a fan of Tenchi Muyo. Nick: Well our first fighters should be making their way to the ring right about now! Stacey Cornbread is at the scene! Stacey. Stacey: Yes, I'm here with one of the fighters, the legendary demon Ryoko! Ryoko: Yes Stacey, I'm looking forward to tearing Ayeka into thousands of chunks of Jurai Royal Family crap! Stacey: Hmm, sounds intimidating. Ryoko: You bet, damnit. Stacey: Let's see how our other fighter is doing. Ayeka: (In a shrill, whiny, nasal tone) You listen here, Ryoko, you inconsiderate bi***, you'll die the death of a thousand….er….well a thousand something! But you will die! Nick: Let's start the fight. Ryoko and Ayeka proceed to their sides of the ring Johnny: I understand we have a special guest referee tonight. Nick: Yes we do. Johnny: Why don't we reveal him right now? Nick: Okay. Johnny: He's a Masaki, Juraian Royal Prince, & the object of affection for both of our contenders. It's..(Referee removes shroud)…Tenchi Masaki! The crowd cheers as Tenchi laughs nervously Ayeka&Ryoko: HUH?! Tenchi: Uh…hi…uh. Nick: Isn't he going to tell them to fight? Johnny: I hope he does soon. Tenchi: Uh…let's…er…get it along…uh…here. Ryoko:(Moving towards Tenchi) Hey Tenchi, why don't we go off after I win, and… CRACK!! Ayeka, (who is brandishing a lead pipe) smacks Ryoko across the ring with her crude weapon. Ayeka: Stay away from my Lord Tenchi! Ryoko, who is still bleeding from getting thwacked, shakily gets up. Ryoko: Ok you flat-chested horse, let's fight! Ayeka prepares for another thwack with the pipe. Ayeka: Flat chested horse?! Ayeka swings at Ryoko who nimbly catches it, yanks hard on it and sends Ayeka flying into one of the pillars supporting the rope. SMASH!! Ayeka sends an explosion ripping through the ring, which causes Ryoko to be flung quite high. Ayeka: I am not! Her words are met by action as Ryoko hurls and energy bolt and sends Ayeka into the ionosphere (not literally, but you know what we mean) Ryoko: Then where's your twin peaks? Ayeka sends an energy blast into the ring. Ryoko foolishly attempts to catch and throw it back. It collides, and her left hand is blown into a hundred chunks of demonic flesh. Ryoko's reaction is that of shear agony. Ryoko: ARGHHH!!! Seizing the opportunity, Ayeka crawls back into the ring. Ayeka: Miss Ryoko, you know you cannot win. Remember how I beat you so many years ago? Ryoko: No. Ayeka: Well, here's how it happened. The screen flashes back to a scene of a field with two little, 5 year-old girls bickering to each other. Ayeka:(in her little-girl tone) Your actions are unjustifiable. You must be punished! Ryoko:(same tone) You just try it! Ayeka: Ok! She proceeds to pull out an AK-47 from who-knows-where. Ryoko is gunned down in a flash of crimson and lead. Ayeka: I have won! Ryoko is dead! Hahahahaha!! Scene reverts back to present. Ryoko: Ooh, you lie. I would never lose so easily. Here's what really happened. Back to same scene as before. Ryoko: We have been oppressed long enough! Prepare to die!! Ayeka: There is no way you… She is gunned down in the same method as Ryoko. After a little while, Ayeka is educed to a few hunks of bloody flesh. Ryoko: HaHa! School's out and so are you! Tenchi: Hey, waitaminute girls, if one of you died back then, how come you're fighting now? Both: Uh….. The two combatants go back to beating the crap out of each other. Ayeka: This has gone on long enough! Azaka! Kamidake! A&K: Yes, Ms. Ayeka? Ayeka hefts up Azaka with ease and hurls the guardian at Ryoko. Ryoko is crushed to the canvas and lodged into the ground 20 feet. Ayeka: HAHAHAHA!! You lost! Now I know you suck! Johnny: Wow! Now that was an exciting fight! (But I have to admit, I was rooting for Ryoko) Nick: Yes! And that will be nothing compared to the next fight! Kiyone vs. Mihoshi vs. Mitsuki! They'll finally get a chance to exercise some of that police brutality they've pent up all this time. Johnny: Yes, and Stacey Cornbread is at the scene (still, hmmm). Stacey: Yes Johnny, but only one of our fighters have arrived. Only Mitsuki is here! Mitsuki, do you have any comments? Mitsuki: Like, yess! Where are they?! I mean, like, I am soooo eager to mutilate those pathetic, low-ranking Resident Officers. I men, like, gag me with a spoon! Stacey: Yes, but Kiyone would be higher ranking that, had it not been for her partner, Mihoshi. Mitsuki: But she isn't now, is she. Stacey: No, but… Mitsuki: Then shut up you little bi***. Stacey: But… Mitsuki smacks Stacey in the face. Nick: I think it's time for the fight. Johnny: But none of the fighters are…oh, this just in! We have a new guest who will be joining us in the announcers stand: The legendary scientist & greatest scientific genius in the universe, the great master Washu! The audience is delighted at this and claps very loudly. Washu: YESSS!! I AM The Great Omnipotent, omniscient, Goddess, the Marvelous Miss WASHU! You shall all fear and worship me! Audience chants: "Hail the great miss Washu, for she is life" over and over again. Nick: Uh…so you think very highly of yourself? Washu: Eh? What? You meant that as an insult! Nick: Wha?…No! Washu: Yes, yes, yes, I read your mind. I know. Nick: Huh?! Washu: Yes, you'll be a water sprite til' you reflect on your conduct! Washu types some stuff on her translucent keyboard, which changes Nick into an insanely idiotic looking frog thing with a beak. Johnny: Uh…Miss Washu, who do you think will win the next fight? Washu: Well, since I am clairvoyant beyond mortal comprehension, I know that the winner will be… Johnny: Please, the fight will not at all be entertaining if we know who the winner will be. Washu: Well sorry, but you're right of course. TeeHee! (giggles) Johnny: Well, were starting the fight. Washu: The combatants have not yet arrived. Johnny: Well, …we guess Mitsuki can wait in the ring until they arrive. Washu: Yes. Teleports into ring alongside an impatient Mitsuki. Mitsuki: Like, where are they? There is an eerie moment of silence. The silence is broken by a low rumbling sound, which grows into a dull roar. Mitsuki: Like, what is it now? CRASH!! Yagami comes crashing through the ceiling. Mitsuki: W…wh…HUH!?!? Yagami lands on Mitsuki and crushes her to thousands of tiny, bite-sized bloody chunks of flesh. Kiyone and Mihoshi climb out. Kiyone: Uh…sorry we're late everyone. I mean, we were having trouble with our 8 or 9th part time job, and… Mihoshi: Are we gonna kill each other now?! Kiyone: Mihoshi… Mills Lane climbs into the ring. Mills Lane: Ok, both of you, I explained the rules over the phone, remember? M&K: Yes. Mills Lane: Then… Let's get it on! The bell rings and right off the bat, Kiyone pulls out her gun and fires at Mihoshi, who ducks. Mihoshi: Aghhh!! No I don't wanna die! Kiyone: I cannot stand you! And Kiyone begins to pursue Mihoshi. Mihoshi: NOOOO!! Kiyone: You ruined my career, my life, and me! The only hope I have to salvage my life is to destroy you! Mihoshi: Aghhh! Kiyone: I cannot stand this! She flies from 3 mid-air flips to a double-legged kick and thwacks Mihoshi. Mihoshi: (6 seconds later) Hey…that hurt. Kiyone is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Kiyone: No, no, no, it's all too much! I can't stand it! I must finish you off now! Whips out her Galaxy Police standard-issue mega ultra beam cannon (delta grade) Mihoshi: I must win. I must, I must, I must, I must, I must, I must…aha! I've got just the plan! Kiyone: What?! You couldn't have a semi-intelligent thought if your life depended on it! Mihoshi: Oh yeah? She begins to sob. Gallons of water are gushing into the ring. The ring is now a foot deep in water. Rivers are pouring from Mihoshi's eyes. Kiyone: W…wha…what…huh? Mihoshi…that…can't be legal! Mills Lane: I'll allow it. Kiyone: What?!? NOO!! I can't swim!! Mihoshi, stop! Please! No, Mihoshi, sto…glug glug glug. Mills Lane: Stop it, you're drowning our season ticket holders! Mihoshi: WAAAAA…WAAAA…ok. The jets of water instantly stop and somehow, the water washes out. Kiyone is lying on the canvas, face first, soaking wet. Mills Lane goes up to inspect Kiyone. Mills Lane: Hmmm…she seems to be dead. Mihoshi wins! Washu re-joins Johnny in the announcers' chair. Washu: See Johnny, I told you that would happen. Johnny: Yes Washu, and thanks for ruining the fight for me half way through. Washu: Yep, my pleasure. Say, why don't I gather a "sample" from you after the show? Johnny: Uh…hey, on to our main event! The battle royale between all the surviving cast members! Stacey, who's still alive and among the living? Stacey: Well, Ayeka, the 1st princess of Jurai is still alive, as is Mihoshi, &…wait, it took a heavy construction crane, but we've pulled Ryoko (although worse for wear) out of that chasm! She will also be fighting. We have all of our combatants, and… wait! This just in! Kiyone is still alive! Kiyone is still alive! Johnny: Well, they're all still alive. I guess they fought all those fights for nothing. Washu: Well, I'd best be getting down there, eh? Johnny: Yup. Down at the ring, the fighters are standing in their respective corners. Referee Washu prepares to brief them. Washu: Well, all of you, I want a clean fight. Since I already know what's going to happen, I'm going to leave the ring & watch you from my sub-space lab. You guys didn't know that I've been watching you all, 24-7, for the last year! You all thought you had total privacy! Teehee! Mihoshi: Just shut up and get on with the fight! Washu: Hmm…you must be punished. 20 lb. Weights on all of your legs for the whole fight! Ok, let's get it on! And so the battle ensues. Ryoko proceeds to punch Kiyone, Mihoshi shoots Ayeka in the leg, Kiyone slams Ryoko's face into the ground, and Ayeka DDT's Mihoshi. Suddenly, CRASH!! The lighting comes crashing down into the ring, crushing all of them. Horrible, bloody chunks of the former cast-members splatter over the audience. Johnny: Well, it looks like it happened again. But who cut it this time? Let's see the replay. The replay shows Tenchi and Nagi as the perpetrators. Johnny: TENCHI & NAGI?!?! Up on the catwalks, Tenchi stands with Nagi. Tenchi: Yep. It was me and my new lover! Tenchi laughs evilly. The evil laughter is followed by more evil laughter. Nagi: Yes, we have been together since the last episode of the Tenchi TV series. Tenchi: Yes, when I was taken hostage (episode 10), I took a liking to Nagi. Johnny: But I can't believe you'd kill all of your friends so easily! Tenchi: They weren't my friends. I hated them all anyway. Tenchi and Nagi embrace in a passionate kiss. A rumbling is heard. Tenchi notices a large piece of the ceiling falling down and quickly dodges. Nagi does not notice it and is squashed into a bloody mess. Johnny: My god! It just doesn't stop! He looks up and sees that it was Sasami, on the roof, with a jackhammer. The little 8 year-old laughs in a manner usually reserved for Hannibal Lector and yells " Your next, Tenchi!" Just then, Kiyone (who apparently didn't die), leaps out of the wreckage and aims her standard-issue GP hand gun into the air and fires. With amazing accuracy, the shot rips a bloody hole through Sasami's face and she plummets on to the concrete floor, 200 feet down. She dies on impact. Tenchi: Uh…gee. Thanks for saving my life. Kiyone: No problem Tenchi, but you do know what I want in return. Tenchi: Um…uh…no, not rea…oh gawd. It suddenly dawns on him just what she desires. Kiyone: Yes Tenchi, that. Tenchi: Oh gawd. Johnny: Wow, what a climactic finish to great fight. I'm Johnny Gomez, and that was Nick Diamond (now a water sprite). Until next time, "Good fight, good night" Washu: Hahahaha!! You shall all worship me! For I am the legendary goddess Washu! Johnny: Shut up Washu, this is my show and I won't let you run it for me. Washu: Ahh, that's how you want it eh? Curses! I shall kill you before the night is over. Johnny: Yeah, whatever Washu. Once again, until next time, "Good fight, good night!" Moments later, the arena is destroyed by a laser beam that rips through the pavilion (no doubt created by little Washu. Teehee!) THE END Note: During the show, Ryo-oh-ki was hit by a car. "Tenchi Muyo! on Celebrity Deathmatch" Written by Hawk-san (Hawk Tomeo) Typed by David Thompson (why did Hawk need someone to type it for him? Because he's too cheap to get computer!) Based on the TV series' "Tenchi Muyo" and "Celebrity Deathmatch" Copyright 1999. All right reserved Today's moral is: "Using lots of commas makes you look brilliant" "Celebrity Deathmatch" is a copyright of MTV animation "Tenchi Muyo" is a copyright of Pioneer and AIC