TENCHI MORON-NO NEED FOR PIMPDADDIES
			 (Its unquestionably illegal!)

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING FIC CONTAINS NUDITY AND EXCHANGE OF CHICKS, BUT DONT CONFUSE IT WITH A ROMANCE STORY...YOU'LL BE SORRY IF YOU DO

Its just another Ma-sucky day.  Once again, Tenchi is sitting around with his thumbs up his ass, waitin for someone to ask to fuck him.

NOBOYUKE-"Hey Tenchi..."

Please note I said ask to fuck, not ass fuck.

NOBOYUKE-"..Oh..."



SASAMI-"Hey everone!  Dinner is ready!"  Everyone except Mihoshi,Noboyuki,and Washu rushes to the table, and sit down for a pleasant meal.

TENCHI-"What are we gettin today Sasami?"

SASAMI-"Crabs."  Everyone laughs, and Sasami puts her clothes back on.  And she had so hoped to give someone crabs...."Fine then, just eat these noodles that I found outside in some dog shit."

RYOKO-"Hey, Ayeka, dont hog it all!"  She leans over to help herself, letting her boobs rest on her plate.

RYOKOS BOOBS-"Look at us Tenchi!  We're so biiggg!"  Tenchi's eyes open wide.

AYEKA-"Tenchi, are you halucinating again?"

TENCHI-"Unless everyone else heard Ryoko's knockers yell at me just then, I think so."  Mihoshi runs to the table, her titties jigglin all the way.  Steam starts shooting out of Tenchi's ears.

YOSHO-"What is it Tenchi?  Is there something I should be looking at?"

TENCHI-"What..oh..uh..." he is cut short (ironic wording) by Ayeka and Ryoko catfighting again.

AYEKA-"What do you think you're doing Ryoko!  Let go of my bra!"

RYOKO-punching Ayeka-"Only if you get yer damn hand out of my ass!" 

TENCHI-"AAAHH!  I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!"  He runs out the room, then stops and looks back.  "Just so you know, I'm going to the bathroom to jerk off."

MIHOSHI-"We know."

KIYONE-"Have a good time!"

RYOKO-"Dammit Ayeka!  Get your fingers outa there, thats cheating!"

TENCHI-"Yeeeeeee.."


IN THE BATHROOM

NOBOYUKE-"Oh just in time Tenchi, I got some zipper tr..AAAGGGGHH!"


OUTSIDE

MIHOSHI-"Im getting kinda worried about Tenchi."

KIYONE-"Dont worry about him, he knows what he's doing...say..." she leans over to whisper to Mihoshi.

MIHOSHI-"Kiyone!  You know I cant do that!"

KIYONE-"Why the hell not?"

MIHOSHI-"Because I'm the innocent, child like character.  Thats why I fall over all the time, and get away with wearing cleavage revealing clothes.  Im only here to make people feel guilty about wanting to do me.  Look."  Points at Yosho.

YOSHO-under breath-"Oh, I shouldnt think that...but she's so hot...dammit...I'm a bad boy, I need a spanking..."

KIYONE-"Fine then...hey, why dont you check on Tenchi?"

MIHOSHI-"Okay.  I'm glad you got that out of your system, Kiyone.  Lets just be friends from now on."

KIYONE-"Alrighty!"  as Mihoshi walks across the room, she falls over with her ass in the air..again. 

MIHOSHI-"Ouch....Hey!  Whats that?  Kiyone, help!  Something is taking off my pants!  AAAhhh!  And now its biting me!"

KIYONE-"Mo Moorm Mrhrhfg..."  Tenchi walks out of the bathroom, followed by a very confused looking Noboyuki.

TENCHI-"Kiyone, how many times do I have to tell you not to rape Mihoshi?"

YOSHO-"Dammit, Sasami!  This shit sucks."

MIHOSHI-pulling up pants-"Yeah, lets go out somewhere."

RYOKO-"Some bar it is!"

MIHOSHI-"Wait, I said..."

TENCHI-"Yep, lets go drinkin!"


LATER, AT THE BAR


RYOKO-"So then I says 'whuddu ya mean you wont fuck me?'!  HAhahaaa."

TENCHI-"Ryoko, I said that 5 minutes ago, and could you please save it 'til you get drunk?"

RYOKO-"Well, its off to work I go!" and starts chuggin vodka.

NOBOYUKE-"Hey!  You'll never believe this!  A soldier, a psycho, a chinaman, a queer, and a priest just walked into the bar!"

WUFEI-"Heero, you're sure he's here right?  I have the feeling someone just called me a racial slur."

HEERO-"Dont worry, he's here alright..."

DUO-"Look, that's him!"  They walk over to Tenchi's table.

HEERO-"Can we sit down?"

TENCHI-"Well, I guess if you can fit 5 more chairs around this table, then you've earned it."  It takes some work, but they eventually sit down.

DUO-"Dammit, Heero.  I dont want to sit in Quatre's lap!"

HEERO-"Then stand up."

DUO-"Fine, but if he gets a boner...."

QUATRE-"Too late..."

DUO-"AAAAAAAhhh!"

HEERO-"Shut the fuck up!" and pushes Duo onto Quatre.

DUO-"Ug, I'll feel this in the morning..."

TENCHI-"Can you please tell me what this is all about?"

TROWA-"......"

TENCHI-"I see.."

AYEKA-getting drunk-"I di'dnn hear anthing..-Gllaagggg-"

YOSHO-"Ayeka, do you always have to throw up on me?"

AYEKA-more drunk than I had previously thought-"Uhhhh huh..."

HEERO-"Let me explain...We 4 guys and Quatre..."

QUATRE-"Hey!"

HEERO-"We have been watching your 'escapades' if you will, and we are damn tired of you hoggin all these fine bitches."

TROWA-"That's what I said."

AYEKA-"I aint no bitch!"  tries to swing at Heero, but passes out and hits her head on the table.

WUFEI-"So decide which ONE you want dammit!"  Tenchi looked around the table.  Ryoko was passed out in her own vomit, as was Ayeka.  Kiyone was drunk, and Mihoshi was using a bar stool to fend off the drunk Kiyone... 

TENCHI-"Do I have to decide now?"

HEERO-"Hhmm...we'll stop by your house tomarrow.  Then you will give us a descision."

TENCHI-"And what if I dont?"

HEERO-"We make Quatre live with you."  Tenchi looked over at the horrifying visage of Quatre, and the humorously uncomfortable expression of Duo.

TENCHI-"Its a deal...tomorrow I decide..."


TOMORROW


Tenchi, his family, Sasami, and his 10 boobs are standing in the living room.

TENCHI-"And thats what they said."

WASHU-"They cant just come in here and steal us away from you!"

RYOKO-"Yeah, I aint afraid of guns!  I'll just blow them away!"

TENCHI-"NO!  They might sick that blonde one on me!"

SASAMI-"No Tenchi!  I dont want to leave!"  she leaps onto Tenchi and hugs him.  Suddenly, Heero kicks in the front door, then knocks on it.

HEERO-"Ah, I see you've made your descision.  The small one."  Duo let out a sigh of relief.  He wanted a babe, but he didnt want to be a child molester.

TENCHI-"No, you dont understand!"  But it was too late...

Wufei walked up to Kiyone, lifting her arms, looking at her ass, checking her teeth ect...

WUFEI-"This woman looks healthy, how much do you want for it?"

KIYONE-"Hey!  Just a damn minute!"

Trowa was eyeing over Washu..who gave a blushing giggle reply..Meanwhile Duo was trying to forget sitting on Quatre.

MIHOSHI-crying-"Hey, I dont -sniff- like this!"  Duo's eyes got bigger and shinier, and little sparkles surrounded him.

DUO-"She's so beeyutiful..."  Heero punches some sense into him.  "Uh..I mean uh...she's damn hot!"

KIYONE-"Dammit, we arent your property, to be claimed!"  Trowa walks over, picks up Washu, and goes upstairs to Tenchi's room, Washu giggling hornilly (?) all the way.

TENCHI-"Hey, what are you doing?"

TROWA-"HHNNN!  Trowa want piece of ass..."

KIYONE-"Uh..well..The rest of us aren't going to put up with that macho shit!"

WUFEI-"This ones a bitch.  Can I have the yellow haired one instead?"

RYOKO-"Tenchi!  Do something!"

TENCHI-"Hey, you all just hold on a second!  I never made my choice!"

DUO-"Dammit!"  Starts praying that Tenchi will choose Sasami...

HEERO-"Well hurry up, dammit.  You got to share the wealth you know!"

DUO-"Yeah, we need lovin too!"

QUATRE-"Yeah, Mr. Masaki!  I want you....uh...I mean...your girlfriends.."  
The gundam dudes give him a "Youre not fooling anyone" look (rolled eyes, smirk), but he replies with a "Im seriously not gay" look (wide open eyes).  Wufei gives them all a "You're lucky you are still alive" look (frown, squint), and Duo gives a "Lets forget the whole thing happened" look (smile, shrugging shoulders), but Heero gives them a "Lets just go over here and try to win ourselves the affection of these fine bitches, then steal them away from this Tenchi loser" look (walk like an Egyptian, stand on head).  

Meanwhile, Tenchi gives Ayeka a "what the fuck is up with these guys?" look, and Ryoko looks at Tenchi's crotch.


HEERO-"Sorry you had to hear that.  Which chick do you want to fuck the most?"  Washu screams from upstairs.

WASHU-"Oh yeah! OH HELL YEAH!  OH, CALL ME LITTLE WASHU!  AAAAHHHH!"

The gundam dudes give each other thumbs up, and Noboyuke wishes he was Trowa right now.

TENCHI-"Fine, by 5 o'clock, I will decide which one of the girls will stay here."  The chicks gasp.

AYEKA-"You aren't really gonna go along with this, are you Tenchi?"

TENCHI-"I have no choice..."

HEERO-steppin over to Ayeka-"Yeah, he has no choice, you fine lookin ho."

AYEKA-blushing-"Tenchi...never talked to me like that..."  Heero turned away from her, and spoke into a recorder.

HEERO-"Mission complete"  The gundam dudes give him a thumbs up too.



2:00, TWO CHICKS DOWN, 3 TO GO

RYOKO-"Tenchi, you love me more right?"

MIHOSHI-"But Tenchi!"

KIYONE-"But Mihoshi!"

TENCHI-thinking-"Damn...I've never been forced to turn down pussy before...So why did I?"  he glances over at a daydreaming Ayeka.

AYEKA-"Oh Heero, what a big gundam you have..."

RYOKO-"See Tenchi?  I told you she never really cared about you!"

YOSHO-"Why dont you just have a contest?"

RYOKO-"What kind of contest?"

YOSHO-"A booty contest."

TENCHI-"Thats a great idea grandpa!"


3:55, RYOKO, KIYONE, MIHOSHI PREPARE FOR THE CONTEST, AYEKA TAKES A COLD SHOWER, WASHU IS STILL IN TENCHI'S ROOM WITH TROWA

RYOKO-"Dont you two find it kinda unrealistic that all of this is happening?"

KIYONE-"I never really thought that much about it.  Just hurry up and take your clothes off, the contest is about to start."

RYOKO-"Hey Kiyone, why are you even trying?  We all know you're a lesbian."

KIYONE-"Because I get to see naked...you.  Hee hee"


THEY WALK NAKED INTO THE LIVING ROOM, WHERE TENCHI IS WAITING ON THE COUCH, ALONG WITH YOSHO, AND NOBOYUKE.

NOBOYUKI-"HOLY SHIT!"  his nose starts spraying gallons of blood all over the floor.

YOSHO-"I knew he shouldnt have been allowed to watch..oh, and look at that, now he's dead."

TENCHI-"Alright, line up.  First, I think I will see which of you has the least dyed hair...hhhmm this may be tough."  Tenchi was right...Ryoko's pubes were about the color of her hair, while Kiyone's turned out to be red.  Mihoshi was facing in the wrong direction, and Sasami...

TENCHI-"Sasami!  Get dressed, this contest isnt for you!"  Sasami runs away crying...what a shocker..."Huh..seems Ryoko is the winner of this round.  Now for the talent part of the contest.  Dance bitchess!"  he cracks a bullwhip, and the 3 of them start dancing...

MEANWHILE....

HEERO-"So...good coffee huh?"

DUO-"You said it!"

WUFEI-"....so...how bout those chicks eh?"

DUO-"Dammit, I'll convince Mihoshi to run away with me!"  Duo and Wufei stare at him.

WUFEI-"You know her name?"  Heero makes whip snapping noises, then Quatre walks in.

QUATRE-"Dont you think these women deserve a little respect?"  He is unconcious in a matter of seconds.


5:00

HEERO-"Alright Masaki...lets have it..."

DUO-to Mihoshi-"Oh, whats wrong?"

MIHOSHI-"I just-sniff-dont want to leave Tenchi!"

DUO-"Why the hell not?"

MIHOSHI-smiling-"Hey, I dont really know!"

DUO-"Come here baby!"  They hug, Duo gets thumbs up...

TENCHI-"Dammit, you guys are really makin it hard for me to score!"

WUFEI-"You know damn well you were never gonna get any!"

TENCHI-"Fine then...Kiyone?"

KIYONE-"Huh?  Oh, sorry Tenchi, I was thinking about the contest again...*sigh*.."

TENCHI-"Fine then, I guess its you and me Ryoko."

RYOKO-jumping onto him-"I have been waiting so long to hear those words 'Fine then'..OH IM SO HAPPY!"

TENCHI-"Me too...Its times like this that make me wish I had a dick."  Everyone but Ryoko laughs at him.

RYOKO-"Whu?  HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?"

TENCHI-"Well, let me put it like this...If you are going to eat dynamite, dont shove a blasting cap up your ass and have a farting contest."  Yosho waddles by with an exaust pipe in his ass.

YOSHO-"Why didnt you tell me that earlier?"

RYOKO-"Well...bye Tenchi."  Ryoko walks over to the Gundam dudes and gets ready to leave.

HEERO-"HEY TROWA!  LETS GO!"  Trowa and Washu walk downstairs, sweaty and holding hands.

WASHU-"Tenchi, why did you have these piles of severed hands in your room?"

And so the day ended with Washu soon to fuck Trowa, Ayeka  pretty much already fucking Heero, Duo making out with Mihoshi, and Kiyone watching Mihoshi make out.  Sasami had decided to leave with Quatre, as she no longer had to worry about being raped.  Wufei left, extremely glad that Ryoko was a slut.

EVERYONE-"Bye, Tenchi!"  *door slams*

TENCHI-"Well...this really sucks ass."

YOSHO-"Yep, just you and me Tenchi..."

TENCHI-"Oh no, dont even think about it old man!"

YOSHO-"Uh...I dont know what you're talking about...Well, guess we better get your fathers corpse moved out of the house.  You take the ass side."

TENCHI-"I wish I was dead..."


			THE END