"Tenchi Muyo On The Set Of Jerry Springer" By Zach Haugen and Adam Jensen Tenchi and all Tenchi references and products belong to AIC and Pioneer. Jerry Springer belongs to.....uh....the...network...he's...on....yah..... We mean no harm whatsoever with this fanfic! It's just for laughs, serious people a warning: DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU DON'T LIKE TO OR ARE UNABLE TO LAUGH! Thank you. -+-+-+-+- A face appeared on the television screen. He smiled strangely in bliss. "Today, on Jerry Springer, we have some special guests here tonight! For your viewing enjoyment, we have the entire cast of the anime series Tenchi Muyo! Today's topic is -When your friends tell you something they've never told you before- and they're here to tell about it. *whispering* And maybe we'll see a little more! The camera changed to a young boy in a chair on stage. He had a strange haircut, and eyed everyone nervously. "Uh, Tenchi, welcome to the show!" "Uh, thanks...where is everyone? Why am I here?" Jerry chuckled under his breath. So did the audience. "Now we will introduce our first guest! Her name is Ryoko, she is a *close* friend of Tenchi's! And according to her, his future wife!" *Audience coos and whistles* Ryoko phased on stage, in the seat next to Tenchi. Immediately, she threw her arms around him. He squirmed in protest. "Ryoko, what's your relationship with Tenchi?" "Well, Jerry. Me and Tenchi are lovers, and..." "We are not!" Tenchi screamed as he made it out of her grasp. "...oh, Tenchi. He's joking, Jerry. Me and Tenchi will be together forever!" A scream came from offstage. "I see our next guest has arrived. She's a princess from the planet Jurai, and plans to be Tenchi's wife too!" Aeka came stomping into the room, walking over to where Tenchi and Ryoko sat. *Audience claps* "Miss Ryoko! How -DARE- you say such things about Tenchi!" "What things?" "Miss Ryoko! You know exactly what I am talking about! You don't think that Tenchi will ever marry YOU, do you?" "Of course he will. Why would he marry such a snot like you?" *Audience starts cheering* A ball of light started to form a few inches above Ryoko's hand. Aeka grabbed Ryoko's spiky blue hair and flung her across the stage, security ran in, but were thrown back when Ryoko threw her electric ball at Aeka who was laughing hysterically. *The audience rose to their feet, cheering and yelling 'Jer-ry! Jer-ry!'* "We'll go to a break" -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* "Are you tired of your slow Pentium 1,000? Are you sick of running your computer on only 248 meg of RAM? Is your 3,000 gig hard drive too small for YOU? Then come down to -Washu's Computer Bargain Space Anomolatic Selling Emporium-!!! Get yourself a computer like the one I use! With a flick of the hand, have it appear before you! Get unlimited speed and power! Use my ultra-new Intra-dimensional-Gateway-Microprocessor-Planet Technology! Get the ability to crack into any computer, even the Pentagon's with my Super-Washuformed Virus Hacking Program! And most astonishing of all is the price! Normally you would pay $12,000 dollars for such a program, but I will give you the opportunity of an eon! Only $19.95 for the whole computer and programs!* Get yours today! *Computer only works with WOS (Washu Operating System) and Washnos '99. The price for these items is a mere $999.99 each!** **Plus state taxes, federal taxes, continental taxes, hemisphere taxes, galactic taxes, and a tribute tax to Lil' Washu! Total cost for these is only $25,599.99. We love you Washu! Your the greatest Washu! -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*- *The stage is in shambles, burnt security personnel are on stage* "Welcome back to the show, our next guest will be Sasami, sister of Aeka, and she tells us, soon to be Goddess of Jurai." *Sasami walks on stage, audience claps* "Sasami, welcome to the show um...." "You're a $^&%*, Ryoko!" "Don't say that on this show." "Shut the &%*# up Jerry, I can say whatever the %$^& I want!!" *Audience cheers, Sasami lights up a cigarette* "I don't remember you ever being this way in any of the series, Sasami..." Jerry said as he loosened his collar. "Yeah, well. You act nice all the time, you get sick of the boring #$%*in' life you lead." "Okay... back to the subject at hand, Tenchi, isn't there something you would like to tell Aeka?" "Aeka, you know I love you, but I have to say this...Ryoko is having my baby." "WHAT!?! YOU WOULD &*%$ WITH THAT $#%^ING SCUM?!" Tenchi smiled. "But Aeka, aren't you pregnant too?" *Audience oohs and aahs* Ryoko grabbed Aeka by her shirt. "BY WHO!?!?!" Aeka smiled fiendishly. "By Lord Tenchi, of course." *Both turn to Tenchi and scream in unison. "HOW DARE YOU!?!" *Tenchi's eye twitched nervously* "Don't &^$*in' forget about me." Sasami said triumphantly. Ryoko growled. "Get outta here, Sasami..." Sasami still retained a smile. "Tenchi, should I tell these &$**&s?" Tenchi's eye twitched even more. "Sasami, not now...please..." Sasami grinned even more as she cried out. "Tenchi made me pregnant too!" *The audience gasped* "WHAT?!?!?!?" Aeka and Ryoko screamed in unison again. Ryoko came out of shock just long enough to sputter. "But Sasami, your only 8 years old, how could you...." Aeka then muttered in surprise. "Jurian females can concieve at the age of 6...AWW #%$%$#!!!" Ryoko's eyes narrowed on Sasami. Energy formed in her hand. *An explosion rips through the stage, when the smoke clears, all that can be seen is Sasami casually smoking a cigarette, everyone else on stage is beaten and charred, Jerry is embedded at the rear of the studio, security is in bite-sized chunks around the studio, the stage is reduced to rubble* "We'll be back after these messages" *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* @@@---I know what you're thinking....---@@@ I am the great WASHU and you are thinking about... calling my psychic network, right......now! If you call our number right now...what's the number? You should already know, but since your feeble mind can't compare to mine, here it is. 1-900-PSY-WASU! If you call now, I will give you a special bonus! Free classes taught by ME on our new computers with WOS and Washnos '99, the classes will be taught on Mind Control. Here is an example what you will be able to do with your new talent! Scene with a midevil background. A young girl dressed in white walks on screen. Washu's voice comes floating through the air. "You can easily hypnotize people who are annoying to actually be fun to be around!" The girl in white stands defiantly on a rock, looks into the distance and screams in a commanding tone, pointing at the sky. "Not until I die, shall Justice go unavenged! I shall travel the ends of the earth until all evil is vanquished, in the name of Justice I shall prevail! Let Justice be my witness that Justice shall be-" A bolt of energy hits the young girl. She timidly steps down from the rock. "I...I want to be like...like.. ...LIKE THAT GREAT SCIENTIST WASHU!!!" She says as she smiles from ear to ear. The screen fades to black as Washu's voice again comes through the air. "Remember, that's 1-900-PSY-WASU! *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* *Jerry is standing by his impression in the back of the wall, now in bandages, supported by two crutches, the only one on stage is Sasami.* "Welcome back to the show, as you can see our stage is pretty much clear at the moment, Sasami, what caused that sudden outburst before the break?" "TENCHI IS MINE, AND NOBODY CAN HAVE HIM BUT ME!!!" She said as she lit another cigarette. "Uh, Sasami, did you REALLY mean it when you said you were pregnant?" "Sure ^&$#in' did. Got a *&$@'in' problem with that, #^&$head?" "uh.." Jerry said as he adjusted his collar. "Oh, Sasami, then isn't it bad for the baby for you to smoke during pregnancy?" "Jurian females are *cough* immune to the effects of all tobacco *cough* products..." She said, immediately afterward, she engaged in a coughing fit. "Uh, right...uh, for our next guest we have the self-proclaimed most intelligent scientist in the universe." "What do you mean SELF-PROCLAIMED? I -AM- the most intelligent scientist in the universe, don't you believe me, Mr. Springer?" "Well, Miss Washu.." "Call me Little Washu." "*ahem* Miss Washu..." "Call me LITTLE WASHU." "Look, MISS WASHU, this is my show, and I will run it how I want to!" Jerry sputtered angrily. "Not anymore." Washu said fiendishly. Her computer appeared before her. She started typing on the translucent keyboard. "Let's see...I'll just transfer the rights over to me...all of the accounts...the whole shibazz...there, it's MY show now." "Yeah, right. SECURITY! Get MISS WASHU off my #$&in's stage!" Washu frowned. "Now, now Jerry, there's no need for profanity on MY show. Security! Get this nut off my stage!" "Yes Ma'am!" Azaka and Komidake said as they appeared. They floated down to a surprised Jerry, encased him in a bubble and phased them and a screaming Jerry offstage. *Audience chants. "Wa-shu, Wa-shu!"* Washu smiled as she looked out at the audience. "Now that this show AND the station it runs on is MINE, I am deciding to change the name of the station to WASU! And the show will now be called 'Washu Habuki' instead of that amateur title referring to that...man...Jerry Springer. We will now go to a commercial break." Sasami rolled on the floor, still in her coughing fit. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Hi, I'm Washu. Owner of Sasami's Family Bar and Smokehouse! Unlike other bars, Sasami's is different, have a pleasant host that cooks everything, and is nothing like those other bartenders that smoke and curse all the time! And best of all, since I, Washu invented the place, the actual bar is in another dimension! Get your kids a martini or bloody mary and yourself a Coke!* Come on down today! *Sasami's Family Bar and Smokehouse is not responsible for child abuse charges on Earth. -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* *Washu's face replaces Jerry's as the host, there is some movement in the rubble on stage* "So Tenchi, how's your love life going?" "Uuugh...." "That good huh?, Oh by the way I still need that 'sample'" "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Tenchi screamed in horror. Washu smiled. "Aw, come on Tenchi! I've got 'Magic Fingers'!" "I DON'T CARE!" *Audience laughs* "Alright, Tenchi. You win." Tenchi's eyes encased his face in a state of shock and confusion. "HUH?!?" "I've already got a Jurian 'sample' anyway." "But how....WHAT THE %$#^ DID YOU DO TO ME, WASHU?!?!?!" Washu let out a slight laugh. *Audience lets out a slight laugh.* "Tenchi, Tenchi, Tenchi. I never said I got it from you." "THEN WHO THE %$#* DID YOU.....no.....you didn't...." Washu emanated an evil grin. "And now to welcome our next guest, and father to my soon to be child, Yosho!" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO GRANDPA?!?!" Tenchi screamed in agony. "Actually, it was quite pleasurable.." Yosho said as he walked on stage. Tenchi sobbed uncontrollably. "Grandpa....there's nothing left for me......" Washu quickly turned to Tenchi. "For you? Wait a.....ewwwwwwwww!!! Tenchi, when we get back I'm running a brain scan on you! You've acted VERY out of character today." "That's it." Tenchi said in a demanding tone. "Grandpa, I can't let you do this to Little Washu!" "But I enjoyed it too, Tenchi..." Washu whined. "Prepare to fight!" Tenchi demanded as he activated the Tenchi-ken. "Tenchi..." Yosho moaned in an annoyed tone. "AAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!" Tenchi screamed as he hurled himself towards Yosho. "What a nuisance." Yosho said in a very annoyed tone. Tenchi's body approached his grandfather's at lightning speed. At the moment right before he could slam his sword in contact, Yosho's fist met Tenchi's stomach. Tenchi flew backwards until he came in contact with the rear wall of the studio. He left an impression twice as deep as Jerry's, which was 3 feet away. He peeled off the wall, and slumped to the ground. "We'll be right back." Cried Washu happily. *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Are you sick of your leaders? Elections are coming up soon, vote for the obviously most qualified canidate, Washu! Washu promises to make all wages higher and prices lower, make sure everyone has a competent computer with WOS and Washnos '99! She promises to make streets safer with her patented Crime-Fighting-Thermo-Atomic-Ray Gun! Open interdimesional gateways between random dimensions, take your family on a trip across subspace! And more! If you vote for Washu, you get everything back, plus MORE!* Vote today! *For vote to count, send credit card number to WASHUTHEGREATESTMINDINTHEUNIVERSE@WASHU.WASHU.COM! -*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-* Ryoko looked up from where she was sprawled on the floor. She looked around and saw Tenchi slumped on the ground a few yards away. "Tenchi..Tenchi!" She moaned as stumbled to her feet, barely able to keep her balance. "Man, Sasami can really pack a punch....what do those cigarettes have in them?!?" Ryoko looked around the stage again. Her eyes focused on Tenchi once more, then she spotted Aeka a few feet away from her. Rage flamed through her body. "Aeka! How -DARE- you do that to Tenchi!" She screamed as she pulled an unconscious Aeka from the floor by her hair. Aeka's eyes fluttered open. She then screamed in pain. "Miss Ryoko! Let me down -NOW-! Ow! I -ow!- command it!" Aeka screamed while struggling. "Shaddup, Princess." Ryoko fumed. "I know what you did to Tenchi." Aeka looked around and saw Tenchi, she then screamed in horror. "What -I- did to him? I was unconscious, stupid!" "Why don't you *&#@in' shuddap, both of you!" screamed Sasami as she approached Ryoko and Aeka. Tenchi came to and saw what was happening. "Washu you have to stop them! They'll kill each other!" "Why should I stop them? The more blood on this show, the higher the ratings, Mr. Springer has proved that! And more ratings means more money for Little Washu!" "I DON'T CARE! STOP THEM NOW, WASHU! I MEAN IT!" "No need to, Tenchi." Tenchi blinked. "Huh?" Washu smiled devilishly. "Now for our next guest. She's a Galaxy Police officer, Detective 1st Class, a total ditz, and she usually somehow finds a way to screw up every experiment I work on now! Let's hear it for Mihoshi! Also, with her is her sidekick, Kiyone!" Aeka, Ryoko, and Sasami quit the beating, biting, and clawing to manage a unanimous "Huh?" A whine ripped through the air. As time progressed it got louder and louder, until Yagami crashed through the ceiling of the studio and came to a stop, half as long and twice as wide on the floor. 2 figures stepped out from the wreckage. One ran towards Washu very quickly. "Whaddaya mean SIDEKICK!?!?" Screamed Kiyone as she approached Washu. Washu grinned. "Since Mihoshi hasn't ruined any of my experiments within the last 3 hours I've hacked into the Galaxy Police computers and promoted her 17 times! You can still be her partner, though." "YOU WHAT?!? Mihoshi doesn't wreck anything of YOURS for 3 hours, instead she destroys MY stuff, and MY life, AND YOU PROMOTE HER?!?" "You got it!" Washu declared as 2 puppets appeared on her shoulders. They screamed out one after another. "Your the greatest Washu!" "Washu your a genius!" "HOORAY WASHU!" "Well, anyway Kiyone and Mihoshi, welcome to the show....." "Hi Washu!" "Umm hi, Mihoshi." "Show? What show?" Kiyone said with a puzzled yet still angered look. "Why the Washu Habuki show, of course!" "Since when do you have a television show?" "Since Mr. Jerry Springer decided to quit!" Washu then turned to Mihoshi. "Back to our main subject. Mihoshi, what is your relationship with Tenchi?" "Umm, I don't have a relationship with Tenchi...but...let's see I think he was Kiyone's lover or something...." "MIHOSHI!!!! You're not supposed to tell anyone about that, it's classified information!" "Oh, that's right. You were supposed to be breeding that super GP Jurian energy powered thing, weren't you?" Mihoshi said while deep in thought. "Mihoshi!" Kiyone said through gritted teeth. Mihoshi let out a large gasp. "That's right! That's top secret too!" "Now that you've leaked this information to the general public, Galaxy Police law states that *heh heh* I must kill you to prevent further 'accidents! Prepare to die!" Kiyone said as she whipped out her standard handheld modified GP blaster cannon. "Now girls we can't have fights on this show. Now why don't you two kiss and make up?" Washu said innocently. *audience giggles* "There's no &^#%in' way I'm going to kiss that #@$*in' @%$#&!" screamed Kiyone aimed the gun at Mihoshi. "Kiyone! Don't shoot! I don't want to dieeeeeeeee! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!" Mihoshi screamed in fear as gallons of water were jettisoned from her eyes. Kiyone's mouth twisted into an evil grin as she pulled the trigger. Before the energy surge could touch Mihoshi, she vanished in a flash of blue light, and Kiyone ended up blowing a rather large hole in the back of the stage. "Where the &%$# did she go!?!?! *&%$# it!!" "I teleported her to a safe location, of course!" said Washu with her translucent computer before her. "So, don't you have something to tell Tenchi Kiyone?" "Washu, no!" "If not, I'll bring her back encased in a Kiyone-proof bubble!" Washu said as she typed commands on her computer. "ALRIGHT!" Kiyone screamed as she turned to Tenchi who had just walked on stage. "Tenchi, umm, I'm having your fathers' baby." "WHAT?! DAAAAD?" "Since I couldn't get anything from you, I figured the next best thing would be..." Washu popped in. "One thing, Kiyone...TENCHI'S DAD IS FROM EARTH, NOT JURAI! You failed your mission!" Kiyone slumped to the floor. "No....somehow...Mihoshi has to be connected to this..." "I think it's time for our next guest, meet Nobiyuki Misaki, Tenchi's father." *Nobiyuki enters, audience claps* "So, Nobi, how long have you two been together?" "About 6-8 months, depending on whether you want to count before or after she caught me spying on her in the hot springs." "Dad, how could you? Have you no shame?" Tenchi said with his head in his hands. A puddle had formed near his feet from the tears rolling down his arms. "Me and Kiyone...that was ok, but YOU, you're an old man and..." "Tenchi," Nobiyuki cut in. "I think it's time to teach you a lesson." His fist met Tenchi on the top of the head, Tenchi flew backwards a few feet and fell to the ground, unconscious. "Never call me an 'old man'...silly boy. Hey, Kiyone, wanna go work a little more on your 'mission'?" Kiyone let out a surprised scream. "You PERVERT! You told me you were of Jurian blood!" "Uh...well...I could be...Tenchi didn't think he was, then he found out he was a prince of Jurai, and I'm his father, so I'm...uh..KING OF JURAI!" Kiyone pulled out her gun again and pointed it directly at Nobiyuki's head. "That's it. You know that's not true, you PERVERTED SWINE! I'll ^%@$in' --KILL-- YOU!!!" "But it's true!" Nobiyuki screamed out in panic. "...I hope!" Kiyone's gun fired. Nobiyuki ducked just in time to have the blast singe off his hair in a straight line across the top of his head, instead of it taking out his face. He turned and ran offstage with Kiyone close behind. "You PIG! I won't miss this time!!!" She screamed as her voiced faded off the stage. -+-+-+-+-+- Cabbits for sale, cabbits for sale! Get your own cabbit! Cloned ONLY by Washu Labs Inc. All cabbits are directly cloned off the most famous cabbit of all time, Ryo-ohki! Have your own interdimensional spaceship for personal vacations! All cabbits come with a weeks supply of carrots* which means a great savings to the buyer! Call 1-888-4-CABBIT today! *5,000 carrots delivered per day, for the first week. In actuality, cabbits eat more than that, but hey, 5,000 is alot to deliver. -+-+-+-+-+- Washu again appeared on the camera. "And now for our second to last guest, she's a cabbit from outer space that can transform into a intergalactic mode of transportation, Ryo-ohki!" The small animal hopped over to Washu. "Miya!" "How cute! Ryo-ohki, what are your views on all of the surprises here on Washu Habuki?" "Miya!" Washu smiled. "I see. Any other comments?" "Miya!" "I see. We'll get him on right away." Washu said as she looked offstage. "And now for our next guest, he's the OTHER cabbit in the Tenchiverse! Ken-ohki!" A small, white cabbit hopped onstage. Ryo-ohki ran over to him, then looked in his eyes with a sad gleam. Ken-ohki smiled. Ryo-ohki looked at the floor. "Miya." Ken-ohki moved closer to her. "Miya?" "Miya." "Miya?!" Ryo-ohki looked up from the floor. "Miya." Ken-ohki hissed and arched his back in surprise. "MIYA?!?" With that he ran off the stage with Ryo-ohki chasing after him. Washu smiled questionably. "Who would have thought? Even I, the greatest mind in the universe didn't think -THAT- was going to happen!" She suddenly looked offstage and nodded. "I have just been informed that our last guest could not make it due to severe injuries created by Ryoko before the broadcast. She would have been Nagi, famous bounty hunter, and life-long enemy of Ryoko. But...what? She IS here? Alright! Here, she is folks, Nagi!" A hospital bed wheeled out to the middle of the floor by 2 nurses. A person was on the table wrapped up more than a mummy, both feet and arms hanging in the air. One nurse looked at Washu. "I'll be Nagi's 'translator' because she can't speak that well through her bandages. Say hello, Nagi." "Hurmphr." Came a muffled reply. Washu walked over to the bed. "Now to make this interesting, we will have a heart to heart talk between Ryoko and Nagi. Ryoko, come over here!" Ryoko, covered in Band-Aids came limping on the stage. A small chuckle came from the mummy on the bed. As Ryoko came closer, the mummy spoke. "Hauh, Wyuku! Woo hoot mmee, hen oo geht oor buuh whupte!" The nurse smiled, turned to Ryoko, and translated. "I love you Ryoko, and I hope we can be friends forever!" A scream came from the bed. "Nwwwwwwwwoooo! Uh haaaae uuuhhhrr!" "She says she's very fortunate to have a bedpan right now!" Ryoko looked at the screaming person on the bed, then the nurse, and shrugged. Nagi was thrashing on the bed now. "Tehhhhhl huuur eeeeeiil kiiiiiiih huuuur! Naow!" The nurse looked at Nagi confused. "Are you sure you want me to say that?" Nagi's head thrashed up and down wildly. "Alright...she says she slept with some guy named Tenchi...do you know him?" A humongous scream came from Nagi on the bed. She was literally bouncing off of the bed now, both nurses trying to restrain her until she finally fell off the bed, and landed on her head. "Oh dear..." Said nurse #1. "I hope she didn't die..." Said nurse #2. "No more paycheck with this on out heads..." "Let's just get her back on the bed and back to the hospital...." With that they loaded her back on the bed and wheeled her off the stage. "Who was that nut?" Ryoko asked Washu. Washu smiled. "Ah, nobody important." She then looked at her interdimensional watch. "Uh, Azaka, Komidake?" The 2 logs floated into view. "Yes ma'am?" "Bring everyone, including Mr. Springer to the stage. We've got 30 seconds left of airtime." The 2 logs phased out then in with everybody encased in a bubble between them. Most were unconscious, the rest too much in pain or exhaustion to move, except Jerry. He jumped up and marched over to Washu. "Washu, I will KILL you! I don't care if you're a #^%&in' genius, or if you did take over my #^$*in' show, you #^$&% I WILL KILL YOU!" Washu shook her head. "What did I tell you about profanity? You'll be a water sprite while you reflect on your conduct!" With that, her computer appeared and she pushed what seemed to be a totally random button. A strange light enveloped Jerry, and he shrunk into a little green thing with a beak. Washu looked back at the camera. "Remember to watch us tomorrow, when we have the cast of El-Hazard here! What they don't know is that Fujisawa cheated on Miz with a now straight Alliele! See ya tomorrow!" With that, the screen faded into blackness.