Pirate Club by Aaron Bastin - kakapo101@hotmail.com synopsis: Crossover fic combining Tenchi and Fight Club Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo! belongs to other people. So does Fight Club. Please don't sue me. I's funny. Pirate Club People are always asking me if I know the space pirate Ryoko. "Three minutes," she says, checking the ship's chronometer. "Any words to mark the occasion?" "Nhhhh," I say. With an energy blade half an inch from your lips you speak only in whispers. "Sorry?" she says, moving it away. "I cannot think of anything." "Things are getting exciting now," she sighs, walking to the porthole. Below, Jurai's massive shipyard twinkles, hanging in the darkness. In about two and a half minutes plasmitic explosives will go off, detonating the reactors and destroying the entire facility. I know this, because Ryoko knows this. For a second I forget about everything that's happened and wonder if that light sword gives off any dangerous radiation. And then I realize...Ryoko, the sword, the plasmitic charges...this all had something to do with a man called Tenchi Masaki. ------ Sasami clung to my shoulder, crying. "We're still Jurians, aren't we?" she sniffled. "Yes. We're Jurians. Jurians is what we are." She was a minor Jurian noble, like me, trying to escape the mindless grind of life at court. She wrapped her arms around me, sighing. "It's okay. You cry now. You'll feel better." No, wait. Let me start earlier. ------ Like so many others, I had become a slave to the fawning, preening hordes that thrived in Jurai's royal court. You stop paying attention to anything but the millions of little intrigues that go on under the polite surface. Nothing's real...everything is a mask, covering a mask, covering a mask. "No," said the Tsunamic preist hearing my confession, "you can't die of boredom." "Listen," I told him, "I cannot bear any more. Can you not do anything for me?" "I'm afraid not, my Lady." "I am going insane, do you understand that?" I shrilled. He sighed. "You want to see insane? Fly over to sector four, Sol system, and take a look at the primitives that live there. THAT'S insane." ------ I became addicted. More and more I shirked my duties to hang around on that low-tech little planet, hobnobbing with the pathetically short-lived natives. It was there that I met Sasami, who was there for similar purposes. I cried, she cried, I could go back to the courtship feeling refreshed. Saplings aren't this content. And he...ruined...EVERYTHING. Tenchi. If I ever discover a black hole, I'll name it Tenchi. He was a native, perfectly content to work, farming carrots and helping his grandfather tend the shrine. No longer could I feel superior to them, no longer could I find refuge on Earth. His contentment exposed my distress. Once again, I was unable to concentrate, unable to cry, unable to sleep. ------ It must have been Startica. She was wearing her powder blue kimono. "It's time for another round of marriage meetings, dear." You wake up on Mollidon. You wake up on Danitan. Everything becomes a blur. If you woke up at a different time, on a different planet, could you wake up as a different person? I was a princess, doing the rounds of all planets of major power in the galaxy, looking for a decent marriage of alliance. You work out X, how advantageous a marriage would be, and Y, how miserable you'd be in a loveless marriage to some foppish lordling from whatever backwater planet you happen to be on. Also taking into account Q, which is how dangerous he'd be if he got his hands on any real political power. "So if X outweighs Y and Q...you marry him." The woman sitting next to me blinked owlishly. "Do you go to many of these meetings?" "More than you can imagine." She frowned. "What empire are you a princess of?" "A major one." I used to pray for an accident in hyperspace. An attack by Tokimi cultists. Anything. I must have fallen asleep. When I woke up there was a new woman sitting next to me, reading the space-liner's safety card. "Safety procedures. In the vaccum of space. Yeah, right," she snorted. She was exotic looking, golden cat's eyes and spiked blue-green hair. I smiled, faintly. "So...what do you do?" "Do?" "For a living." She smiled, slowly. "Why? So you can pretend to be offended, call me a woman of loose morals?" "As you wish," I said, looking away. I heard her low laugh. "Okay. You have a certain sick, desperate look to you." She pulled a card from her cleavage. "Pirate," she said. "Hmm?" "I'm a space pirate. Theft, terrorism, that sort of thing." "...terrorism?" "Hallmark of civilization," she grinned. "Did you know that the mining planet Ecritore has only one warship assigned to guard its space?" "No. Is this true?" "That's right. One can destroy and steal an incredible amount of royal property without ever being caught or causing loss of life." "Really?" I squeaked. "If one were so inclined." And that's how I met her. "Ryoko," I said, reading the card. ------ Allow me to tell you a little about Ryoko. In addition to her 'work' as a pirate, she made money by teleporting goods from planet to planet, smuggling. ( "We in the industry call it 'blipping'." ) She'd pick up the package, whatever it was, teleport to the designated spot, and disappear again. ( "So why would anyone want this shit job?" ) Well, it afforded her the opportunity to indulge in her hobby...random acts of terrorist exhibitionism. She'd do the deliveries naked. So when, say, the High Epopt of the Tsunamic church would receive an important package in his office, along with many of his cardinals, Ryoko would appear and disappear so fast the image of her body did not consciously register. You do not know you saw it, but you did. ( "A nice, huge set of tits." ) Blipping. You appear, you disappear, and no one is any the wiser. ------- The one-person transport I was on was a mark three Ono class runabout. It had selenium armor three meters thick, which is important when you're an important dignitary and you want to avoid scans. Or, say, when the engine core suddenly melts down, causing you to go into a death dive towards planet Earth. These things happen, I suppose. I had put the earlier incident out of my mind. As I crawled from the wreckage, I felt the hard edges of Ryoko's card in my pocket. To this day I could not tell you what made me dig it out and look a second time. The contact address said "The Cave Behind the Masaki Shrine, Earth, Sol System." I turned on my short range transmitter. "Wuh?" came a fuzzy voice. "Er...hello, Miss Ryoko." "Just Ryoko. Who the hell is this?" "We...met on the spaceliner a week ago. The, uh, desperate woman." "Oh. Right," she chuckled. "Whatcha do'in?" "Well," I said, looking over the twinkling debris of my ship, "you will not beleive this..." ------ Home was a cave leading down into the bowels of the planet. There was no furniture, no heat and no privacy - the only water came from a spring deep in the cave, and the only protection from the outside was a rusty sword stuck through a rock. Ryoko graciously extended her hospitality, on one condition. "I want you to come on a raid with me," she said. "I beg your pardon?" She grinned, wide and insane. "I want you to come on a pirate raid with me," she said, slowly. "This is madness." "That's right!" said Ryoko, hopping up and down, her grin widening. In the end she prevailed, and we took her ship up. I should have contacted Jurai...but I didn't. The only prey we found that night was a rusted old wreck in the Corialus system. We took turns taking potshots at it with Ryo-Ohki's forward guns, until we noticed the GP cruiser on the tactical screens. Not intervening, not acting, just watching. After some time the comm crackled into life. "Can I be next?" said the Galaxy Police officer. Ryoko and I looked at each other. A slow grin crept over our faces. "Sure," said Ryoko. And that was the start of Pirate Club. ------ THE RULES OF PIRATE CLUB 1. You do not talk about pirate club. 2. You do NOT TALK ABOUT PIRATE CLUB. 3. Two ships to a raid. 4. One raid at a time, guys. 5. No ion weapons, no tactical nukes. 6. Raids go on as long as they have to. If the target surrenders, loses life support or jettisons its cargo, the raid is OVER. 7. If this is your first night...you have to raid. ------ I yawned and stretched, facing the cave entrance and savouring the early morning light. Last night's dream lingered in my mind, making me smile a little. I heard soft footsteps behind me. "I had the oddest dream last night," I said. "Everything about last night was odd," said a deep male voice behind me. I turned around slowly. Tenchi stood there, wearing a pair of jeans and an odd smile on his face. "What...what are you doing here?" The grin vanished. "Wh-what...?" "Get out!" I shreiked. I was wearing only my sleeping attire at the moment - I could feel my face flushing as I tried to cover myself. "What on Jurai are you staring at? OUT!" "I...I'm sorry," he stammered, and ran out into the light. There was a soft hum next to me as Ryoko appeared. "Man, you got some weird friends. Nice ass, though." I looked at her. Carefully. She was naked, as she often was, and a smug, satisfied smirk clung to her lips. I knew what had happened before she even told me. I sat down, lowered my head to my knees. "...and then he got - get this - a nosebleed! Ahh," she sighed, stretching. "But you know what I mean, you jumped him." "I most certainly did NOT!" "What, never?" she said, raising an eyebrow. "I am not a woman of loose morals!" "All right, all right! Relax, would ya? Just a little fun. Cherry-picking." Her eyes narrowed. "You're not...y'know...into him, are you?" "Tsunami, no!" "Good. He's trouble. Behind that sweet little smile of his is a guy who could wreck you. Get rid of him." "What!" "Listen - it'd be better if the two of you don't talk about me, okay?" "All...all right." "I'll hold ya to that," said Ryoko, who waved her finger at me before vanishing again. ------ At about this time people started showing up at the entrance to the cave. "If the applicant stays outside without food, water, sleep or encouragement for three days, they're admitted to Operation Blow Shit Up." Ryoko explained. "And that is...?" Ryoko clucked her tongue, shaking her head and grinning. "The first rule of OBSU is you don't ask questions, princess," she chuckled, and went out to terrify Sasami, the first applicant. Within a month, we had an army. No one thought to ask what we needed an army for - in Ryoko we trusted. The cave was cleaned, prettied up. Long range scanners were installed, along with banks and banks of computer systems. Something was happening, but no one seemed to know what. Then she disappeared. I decided to get very, very drunk. I was relaxing at the cave mouth with my third bottle of sake when I heard him, his wheezy, wheedling little voice calling out. "Ryoko?" He stumbled into the darkness of the cave, saw me. Smiled. Idiot. "She's not here." His smile faded. "What?" he said. I sat up, snarling at him. "Ryoko is not here. Ryoko went away. Ryoko gone. Understand?" His eyes went wide. He swiftly turned, and left the cave. I could see a few of the scratches that she'd left on his back, and I felt very, very jealous all of a sudden. ------ I decided to find her. Ryoko's army was swiftly growing out of control, nervous without their leader and eyeing me suspiciously. In the midst of my sake haze I bolted from the cave and leapt aboard the Ryo-Ohki, heading towards Danitan. Was I in a daze? Had I slept? Every place I visited gave me the same unnerving sense of deja-vu. Every planet I stopped at had an unusual number of ion trails leading from it, every system reported a strange rise in nonlethal piracy. Days passed in a blur - everywhere I went I found myself hot on her trail. I knew how Ryoko thought, knew how to find the secret hangars full of pirate vessels, their gun turrets still warm, plinking as they cooled from white-heat. "They say she's an artificial being, recently released from a subturranean prison." "They say she can make copies of herself, each with the same power. Is that true?" I glared at the two Valentians facing me. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," I snarled. "Is it true what they say?" "Is Ryoko going to attack Jurai?" Had I slept? Everywhere I got hints, knew I was close, but no one would admit to having seen her. Until Mollidon. I walked into the low, dark bar, pushing my filthy hair from my eyes. I'd been traveling for two weeks straight. As I entered, I heard the soft chanting from the back room: "Her name is Kiyone. Her name is Kiyone. Her name..." I shook my head. "Can I help you, princess?" I turned towards the bar. There was a white-haired woman polishing a glass there, studying me evenly. There was a bandage on her face, but the rest of her body was wrapped in a voluminous black cloak. "Have...have we met, miss...?" "Nagi." She frowned. "Is this a test, m'lady?" "No. This is not a test," I bit out. "When did we meet?" "One month ago. You were standing right there...wanted to know about security. Tight as Tsunami's undergarments, princess." "Are...are you sure?" "Very sure," she said, wincing a little. "That was the night you gave me these." She turned around, moving aside her cloak. Her back was crisscrossed with lash marks. I gasped and backed up a step. "Are you all right, princess?" I ran. I ran until I thought my heart would burst, until I was back aboard Ryo-Ohki. "Ryo-Ohki," I gasped, "patch into Earth telephone system. Dial Masaki." "Miyaa!" Ring. Ring. Ring. Ri-clatter. "Wh-hello?" "Tenchi?" I said in a small voice. "Oh, it's you," he said, his voice hardening. "Tenchi...have we..." "Huh?" "Have we...have we ever..." Sigh. "Well?" "Have we ever made love?" I blurted out, my face flushing crimson. There was a painful little laugh from Ryo-Ohki's speakers. "Oh, is that what you call it? Could have fooled me." "Then...we have?" "Tell me," shouted Tenchi, "is everyone on your planet as insane as you are, Ryoko?" A long moment went past. "Wh-what did you call me?" "Ryoko! Ryoko! Princess Ryoko Jurai!" "I asked you not to talk about me," said Ryoko's voice from behind me. I spun around, flicking off the communicator. She stood, leaning against the viewscreen, shaking her head sadly. She looked different - her usual shorts and tank top had turned to a one-piece battle suit, red and black. She looked very dangerous. "One little thing, and you couldn't do it." I slid to the floor, my legs refusing to support me. "Miss Ryoko...why do people think I am you?" She smiled like a snake. "I think you know." "No," I said. She only smiled wider. Something stirred in my head...something terrible. An image of my hands at Ryo-Ohki's controls, laughing as my weapons lanced a helpless cruiser. "There ya go," said Ryoko, moving closer. "We're..." "Say it!" "We're...the same person...?" I blinked. Images crowded through my head. Me giving the rules of Pirate Club. Me buzzing my father's own frigate. Me...on top of Tenchi... "You got it," she said, leaning back and sighing. "You hate Jurai, I'm the one who does raids on their goods. You've got an exhibitionist streak a mile wide, I'm the one who flashed priests. You get the hots for Tenchi, I'm the one who grabbed him by his -" "No!" I burst out. "This cannot be! You...your cave!" "Situated on Earth, a Juraian protectorate." "You have a ship." "Created by lil' Washu, personal scientist to his Majesty, King of Jurai." "No..." "Look, said Ryoko, her smile dissolving. "We simply don't have time for your shit." She took a step towards me, and the world went dark. ------- It's called blipping. You appear and disappear, and no one knows it. ------- "Three minutes," she says, checking the ship's chronometer. "Any words to mark the occasion?" "Nhhhh," I say. With an energy blade half an inch from your lips you speak only in whispers. "Sorry?" she says, moving it away. "I still cannot think of anything." "Flashback humor. Cute." she sighs, looking out the Ryo-Ohki's porthole. "Think of everything we have accomplished." "You are nothing more than a voice in my head." She snorts. "You're a voice in MY head. An annoying one at that." "How can you do this to Jurai?" "You HATE Jurai!" explodes Ryoko. "The aristocracy's crushing the life outta you. You made me to strike back." "How can you do this to all those people?" I shout, waving at the shipyard below us. She shakes her head. "It's Startica. Only people on the station are maintenance and security. Our people. They're safe." "This is insane," I whisper. She smirks. "No, actually. YOU'RE insane." "I can work this out. I am smarter than this," I murmur. "That light blade isn't in your hand, it's in...mine." I look down. There it is, baleful red and glowing. Ryoko looks away from the window, glances at her hand, then mine. "Well. Good for you. Whattya gonna do, slice up your imaginary friend?" I get to my feet, putting the blade to my throat, feeling the heat. Ryoko arches an eyebrow. "Interesting," she mutters. "Where you going with this, your worship?" "Ryoko," I say, "I want you to listen to me. Really listen." "Kay." I raise the blade over my head and plunge it into my stomach. It hurts, more than anything I've ever felt before. But my eyes never leave Ryoko. A red spot appears over her heart. A confused look crosses her face. "Why is it so cold in here?" she says, and dies. I slump into the command chair of my ship, holding a hand over my wound. It's serious, but not deadly. Not yet. There's a commotion at the door. Nagi stands there, holding Tenchi by the arm. Upon seeing me, Tenchi bursts forward. "Ryoko! What - oh my god." "Get some bandages, willya?" I call over to Nagi. She vanishes back into the hallway. "Who did this?" says Tenchi, examining the wound. "I did. It's okay. All right?" I smile at him. "Everything's all right now." Outside, the shipyard explodes, quickly growing too bright to look at. I do anyway, and so does Tenchi, before looking at me hesitantly. I shrug. "You met me at an odd time in my career as a princess," I say, and take his hand in mine. Together we watch as a new sun burns for us. END AUTHOR'S COMMENTS: Don't ask me. I've gone for 35 hours without sleep now, so I refuse to take responsibility for this. Hope you liked it. I'm at kakapo101@hotmail.com. Cheers.