No Need For a Mobile Suit Deathmatch! Sasami,up at 7:30am,as usual,while walking down the hall,notices Tenchi and Ryoko are the only ones still asleep.Ryoko is in the living room asleep on the couch while Dragonball GT reruns are on TV.She suddenly wakes up and goes upstairs.Ayeka is drinking coffee.she sees a small container lying on the counter empty.She picks it up,reads it,drops it, and runs into the bathroom.Sasami reads the label on the container."Ex-Lax?"What's that?she says.she hears Ryoko burst out laughing upstairs. Half an hour later,Tenchi is jolted awake by the sounds of splintering wood and shattering glass as Ryoko's energy blast sends Ayeka and the living room wall 50 yards away.3 weeks later,tenchi gets the repair bill."300$!"he screams."Where am I gonna get that much money!?And last time it was 400$!Ryoko,Ayeka this is gonna have to stop.One of you has to go.Why don't you go on Mobile Suit Deathmatch?" * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * (The camera pans out over the stadium.In the announcers box,Heero is straightening his tie.We see Quatre yelling at the cleanup crew,which consists of Mihoshi,Kiyone,Washu,Lucretzia,Trowa,Duo,and Sasami,to hurry up with removing scraps of steel,titanium, and gundanium from the arena.) Heero:Welcome to mobile suit deathmatch! (Sounding bored) I'm your host,Heero Yuy. (Zechs Merchise walks in) Heero:(Dosen't notice Zechs)Tonight we have Ayeka and Ryoko fighting to the death here on Mobile Suit Deathmatch! Zechs:It seems Tenchi is getting sick of 500$ repair bills when they blow up his house fighting. (#18 and #17 are leaning against a wall in the background.) Zechs:(To #18 and #17.)Who the heck are you people?And why are you here? #18:We're androids.Don't mind us.We're just here for the party after the battle. Heero:So anyhow,he suggested they settle things here on Mobile Suit Deathmatch! Zechs:Ryoko is borrowing my gundam Epyon for the match. Heero:(Finally notices Zechs.)And I'm lending Ayeka Wingzero. Zechs:Since neither of them has experience with the zero cockpit system this should be an interesting match. Heero:Now let's get started! Zechs:Now for the blast to start the match,and tonight it's the Mega Cannon of TallgeeseIII!There's no missing that blast for go! (Epyon and Wingzero are standing on the battlefield.Zechs fires TallgeeseIII's mega cannon into the air.The battle starts and Ayeka draws a bead on Epyon with the twin buster rifle.) Heero:The fight has begun!Ayeka brings the buster rifle to bear on Epyon! Zechs:But Ryoko tears away the rifle.....and the Wingzero's entire arm.....with the whip! Heero:They've both activated their beamsabers!Epyon is too fast,Ayeka can't keep out of range! Zechs:Ryoko has chopped off Wingzero's right leg! Heero:Epyon is blown backwards by Leo gunfire! Ryoko:What?!!!! (About twenty Leos walk onto the battlefield,firing their guns.Thirty or more VirgoIIs are visible behind Epyon.) Zechs:Its the Jurai royal gaurds!They've arrived to help in Leos! Heero:Ryoko has brought friends too,VirgoII mobile doll troops! Zechs:They've turned this one-on-one battle into a massive free-for-all! Heero:Let's turn to the referee,Quatre Raberba Winner,for the decision. Quatre:I'll allow it. Zechs:Ryoko has begun attacking the leos! Heero:Ayeka is doing the same,but her job of destroying the VirgoIIs is more difficult. Announcer:And now,a word from our sponsors. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * (Heero attacking an OZ base.)Heero:I bet you guys don't have a diversified portfolio. (Heero and Zechs fighting in Wingzero and Epyon.)Heero:Zero has shown me your future.Your stock is down six points. Duo:I forgot what I was supposed to say...... Announcer:When we created a smarter kind of investment firm,we created a smarter kind of investor.Shwab Mutual. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * (Various clips of mobile suit battles and Trowa in the next ad.) Trowa:If you're a mobile suit pilot like me,you know how heated a battle can get.And if you've ever been in one,you know you're going to sweat.Take the high endurance challenge from old spice.Don't believe me?Call 1-800-prove-it and Old Spice will buy you a stick.Trust me,it works. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Announcer:Now,back to our show. Heero:Now that Ryoko has more to do,we should see the effects of the Zero system shortly. (The last thing Azaka sees is his Leo being run through by Epyon.Ryoko then turns and chops Kamidake's Leo in half.) Ryoko:The Leos are my enemies.Then,are the VirgoIIs my enemies too?No they're with me,I told them to fight.(A yellow glow fills the cockpit.)I'll destroy them all! Zechs:Having destroyed the last of the Leos,Ryoko turns on the VirgoIIs. Heero:Ayeka is just sitting back and watching Ryoko destroy VirgoII after VirgoII. Ryoko:(Sees image of Wingzero chopping Epyon in half)Ahhhhhhhh! (breath heavily,then recovers) Zechs:She's coming out of it. Heero:Now Ayeka is using Wingzero's vernier rockets to hover just above the ground! Zechs:Ayeka fired the miniguns at Epyon,but considering Epyon's armor that's like trying to jam a pencil through a brick!No damage at all there! Heero:It's a good thing I'm betting on Ryoko. Zechs:Epyon is charging straight at wingzero! Heero:Ryoko has charged Epyon's beamsaber to maximum! Zechs:Ayeka's got nowhere to go! Heero:And the Wingzero is impaled on Epyon's beamsaber! (Epyon reaches down and grabs the twin buster rifle.Ryoko fires the double beam through Wingzero at point blank range.) Zechs:(to himself)I was hoping the battle would be longer. Heero:Zechs,you lost the bet,you owe me 50$. Ayeka:But Tenchi and I were meant to be together don't you remembaaaaahhhhhhhhh! (Wingzero explodes and Ayeka is disintegrated in the blast.) Sasami:Noooooooo! Ayeka! Misaki:No!My little Ayeka! Tenchi:Miss Ayeka! Zechs:And there goes the battle! Heero:And the wingzero has exploded!(to himself)And I just got it waxed,too. (Funaho walks up to Ryoko.) Ryoko:Uh-oh. Zechs:Funaho,just walk away. Funaho:You killed Ayeka!Now you'll pay!(Grabs Ryoko by her hair and smashes her into a wall.) Zechs:Leave her alone,Funaho.This is your last warning. Ryoko:Let go of me,you *(censored)* *(censored)* *(censored)*!(Funaho smashes her into the wall harder.) Funaho:How dare you call me that! (Funaho falls to the ground,and just sort of melts away.Cell is standing behind where she was.) Cell:OK Zechs,where's my ten bucks? Zechs:(Hands Cell 10$.)Thanks Seru. Cell:My pleasure.Don't call me Seru. (Zechs walks away muttering somthing about"Shouldn't have made that bet with Heero.") Heero:Next up is Sasami in the Deathscythe HELL vs. Ryoko in the Epyon! Sasami:I can't do this!I'm just a little kid! Zechs:Well,this will be short. Sasami:I can't even reach the controls! (Ryoko impales D-HELL on Epyon's beamsaber,then picks up the twin buster rifle and blows D-HELL apart.) Heero:And Sasami was beaten the EXACT same way as her sister! Zechs:And next is Mihoshi in the Sandrock vs. Ryoko in the Epyon! Mihoshi:How do you work this thing?Oh,I don't know!Maybe this does it! Quatre:Don't Mihoshi!That button is for the self(Sandrock explodes,killing Mihoshi.)...uh...detonate. Heero:Ryoko wins again!Though I wouldn't exactly call that a win,after all,Mihoshi did self-detonate. Zechs:Now we'll see Kiyone in the Heavyarms vs. Ryoko in the Epyon! (As soon as the battle starts,Kiyone fires every shot from every weapon at Epyon.When the smoke clears,there are craters all around Epyon.) Kiyone:I can't beleive it!Every shot missed!?!?(Tries to fire the chest gatlings,then the beam gatling,but it's out of ammo.)Ohh noooooo! (Epyon rushes up to Heavyarms,and slices it in two down the middle.) Heero:Epyon went in for the kill,one vertical slash and it's all over. Announcer:We'll be right back! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Wufei:Call 1-800-GUNDAM right now for the complete Gundamania CD collection.You'll get great hits from top artists like Brittany Spears: Oops,I shot you again, your Leo blew up, Ooh baby baby... Wufei:Plus all those classic gundam songs like"Just Communication"and"Rythme Emotion"! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Announcer:We're back! Zechs:Our final match is Washu in the Altron vs. Ryoko in the...well...you know. Heero:I can't shake the feeling that Washu has had past experience with mobile suits,cuz she can match every move Ryoko.......Not this again!Quatre,you're fired! (Quatre comes onto the battlefield in a Taurus.) Quatre:You shouldn't be fighting each other...it's just not right. Zechs:Security,get him out of there! (Two Virgo troops marked"security"grab the Taurus by its arms,and drag it off the battlefield.) Heero:Ryoko has taken advantage of the diversion.She now has the whip wrapped around Altron.... Zechs:...And smashed it into the ground so hard,it blew up! Heero:There you have it,the winner,and still champion,Ryoko! Zechs :But what' s this? It seems we have a few more chall enger s! (Two mobile suits,one red and one blue,walk onto the battlefield.) Trowa :Thos e seem vague ly farmi lliar ,but yet.. .... Heero:I don't beleive it!It's Mercurius and Vayeate! Zechs:I guess our very final match is Ryoko in Epyon vs. Asuza in Mercurius and Misaki in Vayeate. (Epyon's whip lashes out,destroying Mercurius.) Heero:Well,Asuza goes out early in the match,as Epyon's whip punches through Mercurius' shield,head,and chest,killing Asuza instantly,and causing Mercurius to explode! Zechs:Now Ryoko has turned to take out Misaki! Heero:Misaki shoots at Epyon with the Vayeate's cannon,but she must be the worst shot in the world!If it wasn't for gravity,she probably couldn't even hit the ground! Ryoko:Now you die! Heero:One beamsaber slash and it's all over!Vayeate is in half,and Misaki is in hell! Zechs:That's all for today's show!see you tomorow,and goodbye!(Quietly,to himself.)And good riddance.I hate this job.First thing tomorow,I'm quitting and applying for a job at Taco Bell. The credits roll on the right side of the screen.On the left is the ending scene,which goes like this:the announcers,cleanup crew,and severel others are dancing on the battlefield in pairs.Heero with Relena,#17 with #18,Duo with Hilde,Zechs with Noin,Wufei with Sally,and Trowa with Cathrine.Quatre is standing in a corner,staring at a wall.Ryoko walks over to him,starts a conversation with him,leads him over to a spot on the floor,and walks away,telling him to stay there.Quatre looks down and sees a red X painted on the floor.Suddenly,a horse comes barreling out of nowhere,and kicks him over to the refreshments table.Quatre gets himself some punch.He notices a small container,picks it up,sees the label,and also sees that somone put Ex-Lax in the punch.While heading for the bathroom,he runs into,and spills his punch on,Mewtwo,who is angered at this and uses telekinesis to beat the living crap out of Quatre.Ryoko bursts out laughing at the sight of that,then high fives George Bush and Al Gore,who leave as the credits end. Next time,on episode 2:Did Mewtwo kill Quatre?Was Wingzero in fact,sabotaged?When will Hilde awaken from her coma?Does Wufei hate Duo?Mihoshi survived,experts say she is just too stupid to die!Will Trowa ever change his hairstyle?Who put ex-lax in the punch?Is Zechs really a woman?Is Spinarak an idiot?What does that have to do with anything?Is all this really necessary?