WARNING: Gratuitous plug ahead! Horrific revelation about Jurai!

The Laughter of the Gods, Goddamn Them.
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Part Eight.
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I stared up at the incomprehensible script on the screen in front of me,
while Aeka and the others stared at me. They were all gobsmacked, for
want of a better word.

"MASTER?!"

Luck seems to occasionally be on my side.

But now I had had too much, and started giggling. Then laughing.

Within about thirty seconds, I was doubled up on the floor, laughing fit
to bust.

"Oh, this is good," I spluttered. "First I get a girlfriend who's old
enough to be my great-to-the-power-of-thirty-two-grandmother, then I
meet her mother who was near-psychotic, then I get told off by an
eight-year-old, and now..." I wheezed for breath- "...NOW I inherit an
ancient interstellar battlecruiser! Can things get any weirder?!"

Tenchi was muttering to Yosho.

"Something's Snapped."

"Maybe. He's just a little overwhelmed."

I managed to recover most of my composure. And then something that had
been nagging me clicked.

"One ring to rule them all, One ring to find them,
"One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

Everyone was giving me some very odd looks.

Except Tenchi.

"Lord of the Rings?"

"Yep. Doesn't Juraian script look a lot like the Elven script?"

"Yeah... Yeah, it does!"

Now we were both being given odd looks.

"What _are_ you two on about?"

"Mihoshi, have there been any Juraians lost in Britain?"

"No-o... But I can check for you! It'll only take a minute!"

Mihoshi had obviously found out about one of my vices.

Lucozade (TM) Dextrose Energy Tablets.

Three packets at once puts your body into overdrive.

Take with six Pro-Plus and a can of Red Bull for superhuman activity.

Or to behave something like Amelia from Slayers!

(Who the hell wants to be like that?!)

Anyhow, I went through a door that was opening in front of me, purely to
see what I had inherited.

"WOW!"

In front of me was a large open space.

With a tree in the centre.

Not quite a tree.

It had large cybernetic attatchments.

Then a holographic banner unfurled on the wall.

"Oh, NO!"

This was Aeka again.

"What is it?"

"We're on a ship that belonged to the False Emperor Khaimein!"

Yosho looked a little queasy.

Sasami was very, very nervous.

"What's wrong with that?"

"This ship will scan our genes. And find that we're Juraian Royalty.
Upon which we will be killed . In the Traditional Manner for traitors on
Jurai."

"That is?"

"You would know it as hanging, drawing and quartering."

"Hold it." I raised a hand. This was not that good. I had known that a
ship like this would have to have some flaw. Nothing EVER goes smoothly
in my life. "First, I seem to be the new Master of the Ship, so I ought
to be able to prevent that. Secondly, explain what happened with the
False Emperor, because you all look somewhat edgy about being on this
ship."

Yosho sighed and sat down. "The False Emperor lived about three thousand
of your years ago. He was part of the Cybernetic Tendency, which
explains the interior."

"I take it Juraians don't approve of cybernetics."

"No.In a huge and bloody civil war, on land and space, his forces were
defeated, and the cybernetic tendency was purged from Jurai."

Washu frowned at this. "Why haven't we seen anything of this Tendency if
you kicked them off the planet?"

"Who said anything about Exile? We executed them all. All thirty
million."

"WHAT?" This came from Washu, myself, Kiyone, Mihoshi, Ryoko, Reioko,
Tenchi, and Katenu.

Sasami chirped up."It was a glorious time in our history! Man, woman and
child, slain as traitors."

Everyone else was drawing back, horrified. "THIRTY MILLION PEOPLE HUNG
DRAWN AND QUARTERED!?"

"It was a triumph of our race! We purged the undesirable elements from
our society with fire and sword in six glorious months. "

"Why ... how... how did you keep it quiet?"

"We didn't. We didn't announce it to the galaxy, but it is recorded in
every one of our history books, and we have a Festival of Purity every
year."

Tenchi turned to Aeka. "Please tell me you don't believe this crap
you're spouting."

"CRAP? This was a glorious period in our history..."

*SLAP*

Tenchi had just done the unthinkable.

"Aeka... I've made my decision. If I'm going to marry either of you,
it's going to be Ryoko."

"Why... why her?"

"Because she isn't some racist bitch! You're _pleased_ that your
ancestors- MY ancestors- slaughtered THIRTY MILLION PEOPLE!" He turned
to Kiyone. "Can the Juraians be tried for genocide?"

She nodded, shakily.

Aeka was shaking in shock on the ground. "It... It was necessary... for
the genetic purity of the Race..."

 "Right." I couldn't believe what I'd heard, either. "Washu? Can you
give me a hand sorting out the controls?"

After a while, I found that I could keep the ship in good order. And
there were a selection of rooms. I gave Yosho, Aeka and Sasami a family
suite, which surprised me, considering that this was a warship.

The others found themselves quarters on other decks.

Reioko and I got the Captain's quarters.

"Now THAT looks good on you!"

I had found a large collection of traditional Juraian dress.

Whoever had owned this before had a similar tast in clothes as me.

I had found a black-and-green suit among the assorted clothing.

"Yoo-hoo!"

I sighed. "Hello, Mihoshi."

"I found out! A Juraian ship crashed in England about three hundred
years ago. The pilot was called Tolkien..."

"Thanks a lot."

Now I had everything I wanted.

The Proof that Tolkien was a Juraian.

After that, the world made sense.

End Part Eight.