The Laughter of the Gods, Goddamn Them
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Part 7
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My unorthodox (read: irresponsible and stupid) challenge with Tenchi
lasted about three hours.

"Tenchi, I will _NOT_ sit back and watch you treat Aeka like that!"

Tenchi had never stuck so closely to classical Bushido in his life. And
this led to some  minor mistreatment of one or two of the women.

I did the only thing I could in the circumstances.

*THWACK*THWACK*THWACK*Flumph*

I wear a large leather jacket, with a pair of gloves to match. Big,
heavy gloves.

"I have no option but to challenge you to a duel, and may it have the
effect it requires."

Tenchi was still reeling from the blows to the face. "Wh... What?"

"A duel! Name your weapon!"

"Uhhh... Bokken."

"Agreed. Four o' clock?"

"Fine."

The disturbance had attracted a few other people. Namely the rest of the
house.

And at least four of the people there were not happy about what had
happened.

"Matthew! He'll slaughter you!"

"How DARE you strike Tenchi-sama!"

"You'd hurt dear Tenchi?!"

"WAAH! Tenchi-niichan's going to fight again!"

Fortunately, Yosho (Thankfully!) stepped in.

"Now, now, girls, This is a gentleman's agreement. Both of them are
trying to prove a point. I didn't expect this to happen quite so soon,
but one way or the other, it will all work out."

It did.

At four o' clock, Tenchi, in Juraian dress, faced me, in Gi and Hakama,
across the yard outside the house. Yosho stood between us.

"Now. Please don't kill each other."

And so we began.

We slowly circled each other, bokken almost touching, staring into each
others eyes.

And then all hell broke loose.

"KIYAAAA!"

"HAH!"

Tenchi came at me with a straightforward Shomen Uchi, which I
sidestepped, swinging the bokken at the base of his ribcage, which he
parried easily. A quick riposte from him- a viciously angled Naname
Giri- was dodged as I launched into a kiriage...

...and then it becomes a blur. Apparently, we were fighting for about
fourty minutes, barely landing blows on each other. I do remember the
end of the fight, though.

"ENOUGH!"

The haze cleared from both of our eyes to see that if we had continued
in our fight at that point we would have probably killed each other.

Wooden or not, a bokken can cause a lot of damage to a person's throat.

And we'd have done that to each other, if a certain cute blue-haired
princess hadn't intervened.

"You two! We're sick of watching you prove which is more macho! One of
you two-" Here Sasami used a Juraian expletive, which my headset
couldn't translate, but Yosho blushed, and Aeka gasped and covered her
mouth- "is going to get seriously hurt! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!"

Neither Tenchi nor I could meet her gaze or each others. We lowered our
swords, and shook hands. And called off the agreement.

"I agree totally with Sasami." This was Yosho. "I was waiting to see how
long it would be before two Egos collided."
***

"Yosho?"
"Hmmm?"
"Can you tell me what that word Sasami used means?"
"Ah... Um... You see, it refers to...."
After a few minutes of Yosho's explanation _sotto voce_, I was feeling a
bit sick.
"You mean... with a cactus? And three rubber bands?"
"Not so loud!... but yes."
"And this really happens?!"
"Well... not officially, if you know what I mean..."
I shook my head. I had thought there were some weird sexual practices on
Earth, but we were miles behind the Juraians.

There was a mixture of excitement and exasperation from the hall.
Looking, Mihoshi and Washu were coming towards us... both looking like
they had news. And probably the same piece, from their actions.

"What's up?"

Washu spoke first. "A massive starship has entered the system."

My eyes bugged out. "Massive?"

"Oooh, isn't it exciting! Kiyone and I have been asked to investigate
it! Wai!" I began to see what so many people found problematic with
Mihoshi.

"What Little Miss Bubbly here has neglected to say is that the ship is a
warship, heading this way. And I've never seen a configuration like it.
But it does remind me a bit of the Juraian ships."

I sighed. I could see exactly where this was leading.

Okay.

"When do we leave?"

So, a couple of hours later, on board the _Vindictive Tweezers_ (_Don't_
ask me... That was the name of Katenu's ship...), we were closing on the
vessel.

It was massive.

"No life signs...*giggle*... minimum power status... Safe to enter!"

I flicked on a com. I didn't trust Katenu that much. "Do you agree?"

Washuu appeared on another screen. "Yep!"

Kiyone on another. "I would, but this ditz spilt coffee on the scanner
console."

"Let's board the thing then."

***
On board the unnamed hulk, it was everything that we feared.

Cold. Dark.

And no way out of the docking bay.

"Hah! A least nothing can really go wrong," I said, while leaning
against a panel.

Something didn't seem right.

It... prickled.

*Glingleingleingle*

That was a sound that I hated, now. I looked round quickly for some sort
of indication of the approaching disaster. And saw that everyone else
was looking at the wall I'd been leaning against.

I turned to see a set of words I never thought I'd see.

I couldn't read them, but Ayeka did.

"New palmprint/DNA accepted... Reinitialising engines... unlocking ship
hatches... what elseOH MY GOOOOOD!"

"What does it say?"

"Welcome... Master."