Here's the Deal, the Global Edition, Part 3 (Massively over-authored, SI'd to New Jersey and back, Omni-Mega-crossover) Note: This version of Here's the Deal bears no connection to the past Here's the Deals. Of which there has been two. Well, characters stay pretty much the same. Written by: (in order of appearance) Kagato, X, Alanna, Bent Oben, Kaiouken, A.C, Nadia, Hiakureiky(Neosaim), Babobo2, Tonnica Sister no.1, Rubian, and Animal. Note: This is also a list of avatars....hmmmm. Disclaimer from New Jersey: A-Team, Bill Cosby, Castlevania, Crono Cross, Crono Trigger, Darkstalkers, Dragon Ball Z, Final Fantasy 1-9, Gundam Wing, Last Blade 2, Majora's Mask, Nadesico, Ogre Battle 64, Slayers, Suikoden, Tenchi Muyo!, and XenoGears are not owned by us. We make no claim on them. They are owned by their respective makers. (AIC, Funimation, Squaresoft, Bill Cosby, so on, so forth) The purpose of this fic is entertainment. We are not making any money on this, and I would not be horribly surprised of some of us have lost money on this. Original characters are owned by their respective authors. This includes Kagato, as he only shares his name with the Tenchi Kagato. The situations depicted in this are copyright us, and are easily identifiable. Any similarity to other works is purely coincidental, and references to other works are most likely purposeful. Any similarity to a real person or event is coincidental, and highly odd. MSTing is encouraged(Yeah, right), with the proviso that you send the MSTed work to at least one of the authors prior to posting. People that we borrowed stuff from, it was done out of love and respect, and the desire to see more of it. Please don't sue. [] Someone's actions, or thoughts. {} Director's marks ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ --The Saiya-jin world...-- Phoenix: She should be waking soon...keep an eye on her, Cid, should she attack. Cid: I will be on guard...and kill her again, if I must. Phoenix: Let's hope it doesn't come to that, there would be too many lives in danger... [just then] Tracy: AAAAAAAAAH!! Let go of me Cid: Tracy!!! Cid looks back, only to see a figure of a man from ancient, long forgotten past. Man: Cid...we meet again...fancy how interdimensionl magic can hone in on only the scent of your blood...is it not? Cid: Vlad...let her go...please... Vlad: Why should I?? Her blood is strong, and face it boy, I could kill her faster than you could lay on a han--ooh what is this? [eyes Alanna] Such a delicate creature, pure of intention and spirit...I will trade you this girl for her...? Cid: Done, just spare my sister. Vlad: Bring the girl. Phoenix: No!! Cid!! Don't do it!! Cid: It's my sister....I don't want her to be a monster. Phoenix: So you will let him create another? Cid: ...I couldn't kill my sister, but I will have no trouble killing Vlad and Alanna... He picks up Alanna, and carries her to Vlad's willing arms. Vlad vanishes after tossing Tracy at his feet, but he grabs another village maiden before leaving. Cid: Bastard!!! You come back!!! [flares up as if trying to reach full power] Phoenix: Cid!! Don't....you can't as long as I limit you, and if I don't you will go insane from all that power...that is why you did not attain the true form of what you are now... Cid: Damn....I can't let him... --Now in Castlevania, in an alternate dimension, cause it is not due in earth for another 6 or so years-- Vlad: Yes my lovelies...you are mine now...my body thirsts for your blood, and for you to be my queen and maiden... He leans over Alanna, who is not due to awaken for another hour, to give her the kiss of death... --Animal and Ed finally leave the desert-- Ed: I told you we should've made a left at that sand dune. Animal: There are 50 zillion sand dunes in the desert. Ed: Well, let's go find the other characters in this long story. Animal: Why? Ed: Well, can you think of anything else to do? Animal: Um, no. Ed: Then, let's go. They wander off to find some people. --Back at the pond/lake, depending on the issue of Tenchi you read...-- King del Queso: Sir, I've recieved a transmission from Kagato at HQ. He says Bent Oben has already invaded ahead of schedule. Babobo: Figured this would happen. Alright everyone, it's time to pack up and get ready to go. King del Queso, turn back to El Queso, I don't want them to figure out we're moveing in because of you're energy emissions. Also, put me through to Zechs. Zechs: [lounge chair, hawaiin shirt, margarita] Yo. Babobo: DAMNIT ZECHS! PULL UP YOUR CAMP AND LET'S GO! Zechs: Hey, I'm in command so I'll say when we go. babobo: AND!!!! Zechs: I think we can go now. Meet you in thirty, 50 clicks outside the Balmorian perimeter. Babobo: Thank you. --30 minutes later...-- Babobo: So these are the Balmorian Ruins eh? Mastermune: Whats a Balmorian? Babobo: I don't know. (After punching up Zechs on the radio) Zechs: What is it? You're supposed to be observing radio silence. Babobo: Well, the Mastermune brought up a good point. What were the Balmorians? Zechs: The Balmorians where the first people to build spirit driven engines. Mastermune: So, big deal. Zechs: The problem is that those engines where eventually put into weapons. Using destructive urges to power their weapons began a downward spiral and Balmoria was subsequently destroyed. Alright, now shut the radio off, we're getting close to the target. Babobo: So that's the target? (On El Queso's screen a building was comeing into view. A building conveinantly labeled, by El Queso, Weapons research/excavation head quarters) Zechs: Trowa, Heero flank the bunker and provide cover fire for Duo, Wufie and Babobo. Duo, take point into the facility, Wufei take staff, Babobo take your team in and find out what you can about Rashidi's plans for those engines. --Washu's Lab-- Kagato: Well, they're finally done. X: Good, it's about ti- Magus: What is it? X: My Spider Sense is tingling! Kagato: Spider Sense? Magus: Isn't that a copyright violation? X: Quick, Alanna is in danger! X grabs Kagato and Magus and they all just through a conviniently placed dimensional teleporter that Washu had finished shortly beforehand. --insert trippy inter-dimensional travel sequence-- Kagato: Oww, my head. Magus: Oh man, am I dizzy. Vlad: Huh? Who are you? X: Hey, let go of Alanna now! Vlad: I have no time for you! Quickly, get them! Dozens of vampire slaves surround the three heroes. Magus: Uh... Kagato: Ahhhh!! Vampires! I hate vampires!! X: We're gonna die!! Help!! Someone save us! Magus: I don't wanna die!! Kagato, X, and Magus fall to the ground, holding each other tight and crying like little girls as the vampires close in. Who will save them? How will they survive? --Elsewhere, at the same time-- Cid: I can't sit by and do nothing!!!! Cid gets ready to use instant transmission to Vlad, but can't get a lock on to his ki. Cid: Damn!!! I can't a lock on him or the women! He has some sort of ki barrier... --In the CV dimension-- Kagato: Help us!! eeeep The vampires close in, and suddenly 3 of their heads fall off and they turn to dust Kagato: What the hell? Voice: I knew there was a stirring in this place...my cursed blood will forever be linked to you, father. Let those women go. Vlad: Ah Alucard, so pleasent to see you here, it's a pity you are too late... Death!!! Come!! Death appears in a flash of dark power and souls trying to escape behind him Death: Aaah, I have arrived, what a delightful little treat we have here, and so close to the ressurection of Castlevania. Vlad: Quickly! Take care of them. Send more minions after them or something. Death: Yes, Vlad Death summons some lesser demons to combat with the other Vampires, as Alucard runs to the aid of the fear stricken heros. Alucard: Get up! All of you, we don't fare well against them all if I am the only one fighting! X: Y-Yes!! Vlad: I am afraid you are too late for this soul...maybe. And he sinks his fangs slowly into the neck of the unconsious Alanna. Kagato: Noooo!! X, Magus, and Kagato get up and join forces with Alucard. They make short work of the vampires and lesser demons, and then take on Death. Death: You fools are no match for me! Death makes short work of Kagato, X, and Magus. Alucard manages to beat him, but is then knocked out by Vlad. Just when things were looking bad, two figures appeared in the doorway of the great hall. ???: Don't worry, we've come to save you! X: Hey look! It's- Kagato: Morrigan and Lilith! Magus: We're saved! Morrigan and Lilith leap high into the air, flip, and land gracefully on either side of X and Kagato. Kagato: Morrigan! Thank God! I'm glad you're here! X: Lilith, it's you! You've come to save me! Vlad: Hahaha! What do you think you can do? Come, my servants! Some time later.... X: Man, you guys could have said something. Morrigan: Well, we thought we could handle it. Having failed in their rescue attempt, our Morrigan and Lilith, along with the others, are trapped in a cage high about the floor of the great hall. They can see Vlad and Alanna below them. Kagato: Well, at least all of us are okay. Magus: Yeah, but hanging in this cage doesn't do us any good. Morrigan: Alucard is still unconsious. X: Wait, I have an idea! X pulls a large rock out of his pocket and throws it at Alanna. It hits her in the head with a sickening thud. Kagato: And just what the New Jersey was that supposed to accomplish?!? X: Well, I uh, thought that she would wake up. Kagato: Argh! That's it! I'm gonna kill you! Kagato lunges at X and begins choking him. As he continues to throttle X, the cage slowly gains momentum. Maugs: Hey, the cage is moving. This gives me an idea. Come on everyone! Soon everyone is choking X and the cage is swinging wildly. After a while, the chain snaps and the cage plummets to earth, landing on Vlad. X: -hack--cough- Argh! Lilith: Are you okay X? X: Arugh! Kagato: He'll be fine. Alucard: What happened? Morrigan: Vlad snuck up on you and knocked you out. Then we all got locked up, but we escaped. Alucard: Where is Vlad? Vlad: I'm right here! What will happen now? Can the six of them take Vlad out? And what will happen to Alanna? What will she do when she finds out X hit her with a rock? Find out next time! Vlad: Aaaugh..... I am not beaten...I have already drained all the blood I need from Alanna...I will just complete the process from the inside out, you fools! He turns into mist and floats into the body of the still unconscious Alanna. Alucard: Show yourself demon, possessing a helpless woman is a cowardly act! X: Yeah! What he said Morrigan: Hey X...wanna see something I drew? X: Not the time!! Kagato: I do! I do!! Lilith: [sweatdrop] Let's just get this party started. On the altar, Alanna stirs. Her eyes open, and Vlad's voice speaks out of her mouth. Vlad: You can not harm me now, not without harming this one that you care for! X: Does that mean that she can't harm you? Vlad: What do you mean? X: She's got a history of doing really bad, nasty things to people that hurt her or people that she cares about. Vlad: Her body is mine! There is nothing she, or you, can do about it! --Scene: The void-- Alanna: Oh. Great. This place again. Tis, did you split off again? (pause) Tis? Guess not... She concentrates momentarily, and a window opens, showing a portion of the outside world. The view shifts, and she sees her hand strike at X. Fortunately, X dodges. Faintly, as if from a great distance, she hears Alucard's voice. "Listen! Vlad has possessed you! Fight him!" Alanna: No...not again...not again. I will not be controlled again! Alanna reaches out for power, but she finds none. Alanna: No...that's not possible. Faintly, she hears sounds of battle, people screaming in rage and pain. "Can't...him. Inside...body." Alanna: If...he's...in my body...then I can do something! Slowly, she builds the image for the Nanite control key. She twists it in the lock that was placed in her control systems to prevent unconscious activation of the nanites. Unleashed at last, the swarm drives through her system, ejecting all foreign matter. "Good thing I remembered to update my genetic pattern after that pheonix incident..." --Outside:-- Vlad, in Alanna's body, slows down, his/her features contorting, first in confusion, and then rage. Vlad, still in mist form, is forcibly ejected from Alanna's body. Her eyes clear. Alanna: I don't appreciate when someone does that. Three times is three times too many. Vlad: That's...not possible! Kagato&X: No, that's Alanna. A small ball of fire forms in Alanna's hand. Alanna: I spent a lot of time locking down the nanite control structure, and you go and make me unlock it. She blasts Vlad. His misty shape shudders as the fireball passes through it, evaporating him. He changes back to human form. Alanna: Prepare to meet your maker. Alanna reaches down, into the depths of the earth, and finds a white hot rill of magma. She brings it to the surface, and molten rock melts it's way through the castle. Vlad shifts to a bat, and flys away. The magma bursts upwards right where Vlad had been standing. Vlad: It's not over yet! X: Umm...Alanna? It's gettin kinda hot here...Can you get the magam to go away? Alanna? He reaches out and touches her, and then jerks his hand away. X: Ahh! Hot! Hot!(shaking hand in air) Alanna relaxes, and the spout of magma dies down, going back to it's original path through the earth. Alanna: [to self] Almost...almost couldn't do it...what happened... Kagato: Alanna? You okay? Alanna: Yeah, sure. Magus: Can we leave now? I'm still hungry. --Animal-- Animal: Ok, Ed, first we have to exchange this memory card before we go anywhere. Animal and Ed walk into a store called "Thuh Game Store." Old guy at game store: Hey, how ya doing? Animal: This memory card don't work. Old guy: It don't work? Animal: Yeah, it don't work. Now ya gonna fix it? Old guy: What do you mean it don't work? Animal: I said it don't work, old man, now you gonna fix it? Old guy: Old man? The old geezer hops the counter, swinging his arms in a fighting manner. Old guy: Prepare for these old flabby guns to teach you a lesson in respect, sonny. He swings and misses. Animal: Too slow, old man. He punches the old guy in his face and steals all his games. Ed: Well that was unneccessary, Animal. Animal: Yeah, but it was fun, though. --Rubian-- It's another day and Rubian is out picking berries for the pie that Misao-chan is going to make tonight when all the sudden the forest turns disoriented. Rubian: Grrr... what the hell is going on!? The forest dissapears and he wakes up in a classroom on his desk when his teacher suddenly yells at him. Teacher: Sleeping again Mr. Choi? Rubian: No sir...what a weird dream I had. I dreamed I lived in a forest with a girl named Misao. Hmm... All the sudden the classroom fades away and he lands on empty space. Rubian: Grr... what now!? Tomo: Ahahahahahaha! Rubian: What the fuck!? Who is this!? Tomo: I am Tomo, former Seiryuu Seishi serving under Yui-chan and Nakago-sama. Rubian: Ooooo... I have heard bad things about you from Chichiri-san. All the sudden Rubian is stabbed by spikes popping out of the ground. Rubian: What the hell is this!? Tomo: It seems you have fallen in to my world. I create illusions. Now, have a nice day! Tomo dissapears and Rubian lands back in to the forest. Rubian: Wh, what was that? O well, no matter. I need to get the berries for Misao-chan. Some time passes and he gets home. To his suprise, he finds Misao dead on the floor with the chinese characters of Dead on her back. Rubian: MIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSAAAAAOOO!!!!!!!!! NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! How did this happen!? Suddenly a large array of demons, similiar to the one he fought several days ago appear. Rubian: Grr.. what is going on!? Rubian hears a faint flute in the background. The whole place dissapears and he lands back in the forest. Tomo is standing right there. Tomo: Hmm? He broke out of spell? Impossible. Mysterious Man: No, it's not impossible Tomo: AMIBOSHI!! Amiboshi: Yes, you will not harm Brian-san here. Rubian: You damn right you wont. Rubian runs up to Tomo and beats the living shit out of me before using the triple limit taught to him by Sanosuke. Tomo: Ughh.. you... willl... never... win... Amiboshi: Pshh... shut up. Amiboshi plays his flute and blows Tomo's brains out. Rubian: Thanks for the help Amiboshi. I best be leaving now. Amiboshi: Yes, farewell my friend. --Castlevania-- Kagato: So, uh, how do we get back to Tenchi's house? Magus: Yeah, where the New Jersey are we anyway? Morrigan: In an alternate dimension, quite far from the one we need to return too. X: Hey, I've got an idea! X reaches into his pocket and pulls out an interesting looking device. Kagato: Say, what kind of pants are those anyway? X: They're Zelda pants. They can't hold as much usefull stuff as a tunic, but they were on sale. Alucard: So, what is that device and how will it help us get back to your world? X: It's a portable dimensional tuner. I helped Washu with its design. Lilith: Wow X, you're the greatest! Alanna: Alucard, you're coming with us? Alucard: Yes. I have a feeling that my father will be there. Cid: I'll come too. Alanna: Well, our little group is certainly becoming impressive. X: Well, you guys ready to go? Kagato: Yeah, lets get back. It's almost time for us to begin the attack on the Empire. X: Alright, here goes! X activates the tuner and a gate quickly forms. They all step through the gate, and are transported back to Washu's lab. -Insert trippy inter-dimensional travel sequence here- Kagato: Man, it feels great to be back! Shu: There you are! We've been looking all over the place for you! We must leave soon for the attack. Bent and Babobo have already left. If the other units do not leave soon, they will not be successful. X: Well, let's get going then. Alanna: Hey X, is that the gear you built for me? X: Yeah, impressive, isn't it? Lilith: X, you'll build me a gear too right? X: Uh, yeah Lilith, of course I will. Kagato: Well, everyone get ready. We leave in two hours. --pounding on door-- Animal: Hey! HEY! IS THIS WHERE THEY The door opens. Animal: Is this where they are meeting to fight against Billy Cosby? Man: Um, no. Try that huge garage looking place way down there. Animal: Oh. Pounding on a different door... Animal: HEY! Ed: What are we doing again? Animal: Ed, we are going to kick Cosby's ass. Remember? Ed: Oh yeah. Door opens... Ed:[whispering] Who's that? Animal: That's X. Hey, X. X: What? Animal: We wanna help you guys take on Cosby and his cronies. X: I dunno. Are you guys any good? Ed: Well, we are a couple of desert pirates, but we'll give it what we got. Animal: I got a cool sword, plus I know how to bake cake. X: Well........ Will X let these two desert pirates join the alliance against Cosby? Find out later. Magus taps X on the shoulder. Magus: X, I still don't know what the hell is going on. And do I get a gear or what? Just then lightning strikes Cid, and something strange happens. Cid: Aaaaaaaaah!!!!! Cid stands up as the smoke clears, and looks at his hands, which seem to have shrunk, as well as the rest of him... Cid: Noooo what happened!? King Kai: Your mother used the dragon balls and wished you would be the same age you were when Alanna wiped out your race, since they have remained unchanged, she wanted you to be her little boy, mothers wish. Your power and forms are unchanged, you are just 8 years old again Cid: Noooooooo!!!!!! No no no no no!!!!! King Kai: Sorry [snicker] Cid: I guess I can get twice as strong as I was before... [frown] Lilith: Look at the little chibi guy!!!! He is soooooo cute!!!! Cid: Uuuuh... X: hahaha poor guy. Alanna: *blink, blink* Kagato: Well then, I guess I have seen everything. Morrigan: No you haven't [whispers to Kagato] look what I drew... Kagato looks at the sheet, and his eyes threaten to pop out of their sockets. Kagato: YEEEEE OWZA!!!! X: Can we be-- what the hell is that!? Lemme see that! X takes the picture and looks at it. X: It's...it's....What is it? Lilith: It looks like A.C and Alanna getting it on. Alanna: WHAT!?!?!?! X: Oooooooh! Now I see! Magus: Hey X, can I get a gear? Animal: Hey, can I help you guys out? Magus: Hey shut up. I was first. Animal: You shut up! X: Hey, both of you shut up. Magus, I'll get Washu to make you a gear. Animal, you have to ask Kagato, he's in charge. Animal: Okay. Magus: Washu? Animal: Uh, Kagato, can me and my friend Ed help you guys out? Kagato: Um, sure. Go ask Shu what your assignment with be. Animal: Thanks! Later that day.... Animal: Are you Shu? Shu: Yes. Animal: Great! Kagato asked me to ask you what me and my friend Ed can do to help you guys. Shu: You can be part of the decoy unit. Animal: Decoy unit? Shu: Well, really all you have to do is hang out here while the rest of us secretly begin our attack, so as to surprise the Empire. We'll send for you later. Animal: Well, that's not so bad. --in the Lab-- Alanna's eyes glaze over and she moves towards Morrigan, hands outstretched. Alanna:[zombie voice] Maim...kill...destroy... Cid dashes forward, and holds Alanna back. He slaps her, once, and she knocks him aside, his smal frame unable to hold against Alanna's strength. Her eyes slowly clear, and she shakes her head. Alanna:[small] I think I'm gonna be sick... Alanna runs over to a corner, and is sick. She comes back, still slightly pale. Alanna: When can we leave? [she looks at the drawing, and pales more] On second thought, I'm gonna leave now. Alanna runs over to her gear, pauses, and comes back. Alanna: X, what's the control method of this gear? I...I've always used a direct neural link. Cid: Hey X, you think Washuu could build some sort of interdimensional training room like the Room of Spirit and Time, but without the restriction of only 2 days at a time? X:[doubtfully] I'll see... Lilith: Come 'ere chibi man, you're mine!! Cid: uh oh...[runs] Lilith: Get back here!!! Cid: Whatever you have planned I know it's wrong! Lilith: It may be wrong, it's not naughty though, I only save that for X. X grins a wide, goofy, Xanderesque grin. Cid: Oooooh someone's gettin' it ooooonn Lilith: Shush boy and come 'ere Cid: No way. Alanna: Want me to catch him? Lilith: Could you? Alanna: No problem Cid: Oh know you don't, so help me god I will get that picture and show it to you! Alanna: ... Alanna turns around, and grabs a laser pistol from a nearby pile of weapons. Cid: What's with the gun? Alanna: My control...is a little shaky, right now. I wouldn't want to...accidentally ...incinerate anyone. She shoots the picture. It burns up. Alanna blows imaginary smoke out of the barrel of the gun, and puts it back on the pile. X is still staring at the space where it had been, unable to wrap his mind around the image depicted. Alanna: X! Hello, in there? Hmm. Lilith: No more picture now, my kawaii chibi Ciddy. Alanna: Ah, yes. [shares a look with Lilith] No more picture. [she grins in a manner that can only be described as...disturbing]