Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo and Ryoko is owned by Pioneer. I have no intention of making money off them (even though they have made quite a nice amount on me), and I am writing this in hopes of not getting sued. Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy is written and copyrighted by Douglas Adams. Buy it and read it. Tenchi Muyo / Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Crossover/Fusion Fic This silly little story is a slightly rewritten part of Life, the Universe and Everything. It is a silly little fic, which I felt I had to make. If you don't know HHGttG, consider this a crash-course in the *really* silly humour it represents. Hope you like it. -=o Hitch Hiker's Guide to Space Pirates o=- Stomp stomp. Whirrr. 'Pleased to be of service.' 'Shut up.' 'Thank you.' Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirrr. 'Thank you for making a simple door very happy.' 'Hope your diodes rot.' 'Thank you. Have a nice day.' Stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirrr. 'It is my pleasure to open for you . . .' 'Zark off.' ' . . . and my satisfaction to close again with the knowledge of a job well done.' 'I said zark off.' 'Thank you for listening to this message.' Stomp stomp stomp stomp. 'Wop.' Zaphod stopped stomping. He had been stomping around the Heart of Gold for days, and so far no door had said 'wop' to him. He was fairly certain no door had said 'wop' to him now. It was not the sort of thing doors said. Too concise. Furthermore, there were not enough doors. It sounded as if a hundred thousand people had said 'wop', which puzzled him, because he was the only person on the ship. It was dark. Most of the ship's non-essential systems were closed down. It was drifting idly in a remote area of the Galaxy, deep in the inky blackness of space. So which particular hundred thousand people would turn up at this point and say a totally unexpected 'wop'? He looked about him, up the corridor and down the corridor. It was all in deep shadow. There were just the very dim pinkish outlines to the doors which glowed in the dark and pulsed whenever they spoke, though he had tried every way he could think of of stopping them. He leant tensly against the corridor wall and frowned like a man trying to unbend a corkscrew by telekinesis. He laid his fingertips against the wall and felt an unusual vibration. And now he could quite clearly hear slight noises, and could hear where they were comming from - they were comming from the bridge. Moving his hand along the wall he came across something he was glad to find. He moved on a little further, quietly. 'Computer?' he hissed. 'Mmmm?' said the computer terminal nearest him equally quietly. 'Is there someone on this ship?' 'Mmmmm,' said the computer. 'Who is it?' 'Mmmmm mmm mmmmm,' said the computer. 'What?' 'Mmmmm mmmm mm mmmmmmmm,' Zaphod buried one of his two faces in two of his hands. 'Oh, Zarquon,' he muttered to himself. Then he stared up the corridor towards the entrance to the bridge in the dim distance from which more and purposeful noises were comming, and in which the gagged terminals were situated. 'Computer,' he hissed again. 'Mmmmm?' 'When I ungag you . . .' 'Mmmmm.' 'Remind me to punch myself in the mouth.' 'Mmmmm mmm?' 'Either one. Now tell me this. One for yes, two for no. Is it dangerous?' 'Mmmm.' 'It is?' 'Mmmm.' 'You didn't just go "mmmm" twice?' 'Mmmm mmmm.' 'Hmmmm.' He inched his way up the corridor as if he would rather be yarding his way down it, which was true. He was within two yards of the door to the bridge when he suddenly realized to his horror that it was going to be nice to him, and he stopped dead. He hadn't been able to turn off the doors' courtesy voice circuits. This doorway to the bridge was concealed from view within it because of the excitingly chunky way in which the bridge had been designed to curve round, and he had hoped to enter unobserved. He leant despondently back against the wall again and said some words which his other head was quite shocked to hear. He peered at the dim pink outline of the door, and discovered that in the darkness of the corridor he could just about make out the Sensor Field which extended out into the corridor and told the door when there was someone there for whom it must open and to whom it must make a cheery and pleasant remark. He pressed himself hard back against the wall and edged himself towards the door, flattening his chest as much as he possibly could to avoid brushing against the very, very dim perimeter of the field. He then realized he was going to have to speak at this point. He took a series of very shallow breaths, and then said as quickly and quietly as he could, 'Door, if you can hear me, say so very, very quietly.' Very, very quietly the door murmured, 'I can hear you.' 'Good. Now in a moment, I'm going to ask you to open. When you open I do not want you to say that you enjoyed it, OK?' 'OK.' 'And I don't want you to say to me that I have made a simple door very happy, or that it is your pleasure to open for me and your satisfaction to close again with the knowledge of a job well done, OK?' 'OK.' 'And I do not want you to ask me to have a nice day, understand?' 'I understand.' 'OK,' said Zaphod, tensing himself, 'open now.' The door slid open very quietly. Zaphod slipped quietly through. The door closed quietly behind him. 'Is that the way you like it, Mr Beeblebrox?' said the door out loud. 'I want you to imagine,' said Zaphod to the cyan haired lady who swung around to stare at him at that point, 'that I have an extremely powerful Kill-O-Zap blaster pistol in my hand.' There was silence. The lady regarded him with a cynical glance from her yellow eyes. She was clad in a black bodysuit and a dark blue cape to offset her light cyan hair, which seemed to point in all directions. Her appearance was unnatural - almost like a demon, with an aura of confidence and cynicism. If Zaphod had paid more attention to the SubEtha news broadcasts, he would have known that this was the space pirate Ryoko, wanted for many cases of Ultra-Energy-Matter theft as well as countless other offences. He stared at her in shock. Behind her a massive crystalline spike was protruding from a tear in the hull to the opposite wall where it had damaged several computer consoles. She had been dismantling part of the rear bridge wall, and had forced a passage through some of the vital innards of the ship. Through the tangled wreckage Zaphod could see, with a further and worse sense of shock, that she was tunnelling towards the very heart of the ship, the Improbability drive and it's supply of Ultra-Energy-Matter. Then, with a confident, feminine and not quite so demonic voice, she said 'You do have a Kill-O-Zap blaster pistol in your hand.' Zaphod didn't know what she meant for a moment, but then he glanced down at his own hand and was relieved to see that what he had found clipped to a wall bracket was indeed what he thought it was. 'Yeah,' he said, 'well, I wouldn't want to overtax your imagination.' For a while, nobody said anything, and Zaphod realized that she was obviously not here to make conversation, and it was up to him. 'I can't help noticing that you have parked your ship,' he said with a nod of one of his heads in the appropriate direction, 'through mine.' Again, she made no response to this, and Zaphod wondered if the conversation would gather momentum if he phrased his part of it in the form of questions. '. . . haven't you?' he added. 'Yes I have' replied the demon, as if it was the most natural thing to do, which it was considering that she was an infamous space pirate. 'So what are you doing here?' 'I have come for your Ultra-Energy-Matter.' Zaphod nodded. He waggled his gun to invite further elaboration. She seemed to understand this. 'And so I am going to take it.' she answered calmly. Zaphod was especially worried about her staying so calm when pointed at with a Kill-O-Zap blaster pistol. He tried to remember what the guide said about space pirates. He couldn't quite remember, but was certain that it was not quite unlike the entry on vogons. Deciding that he still had the upper hand in form of a Kill-O-Zap blaster pistol, he decided to challenge her last answer. 'No you won't. It makes my ship work.' 'And when I have taken it, I am going to use your ship as a trap for the GP.' 'Oh yeah? ' said Zaphod waggling his gun. 'Yes', said the demon with a twinkle in her yellow eyes, and vanished before he could shoot. Zaphod was about to think how bad manners it was for a person to disappear when being threatened with a Kill-O-Zap blaster pistol, but he was interrupted when an energy bolt hit him from behind and knocked him out. The cyan haired demon looked at him falling from her new position behind him. A smile showed on her face. Usually capturing Ultra-Energy-Matter transports was a lot more boring. -=o End o=- Yes, yes, I know I have taken an awful lot from the HHGttG book, but it is entertaining reading, so I hope you don't mind. This little story was just a bit of inspiration and practice before I go on to my first real x-over/fusion/whatever project. I have yet to decide if it will actually contain HHGttG. In any event, this was my first fic, but feel free to comment to: coyote@daimi.au.dk