Guretsu Muyo: A Jackass / Tenchi Muyo! Fusion By The Old-Took This fusion makes the most sense if you have seen MTV's "Jackass." If you haven't, it airs Sundays at 9pm. It involves really stupid (yet surprisingly hilarious) stunts and pranks with guys making, well, jackasses of themselves. What this fic will attempt to accomplish is to place the OAV series crew in their own version of Jackass, called Guretsu Muyo (useless stupidity), with their own variety of stunts. Some liberities may be taken with the characters, but try not to take the whole thing too seriously. It's just meant for a quick laugh. Disclaimer: I do not own these characters; they are the property of AIC and Pioneer LDC. Jackass is owned by MTV (hence by Viacom) and is produced and created by Johnny Knoxville, Spike Jonze, and Jeff Tremaine. Please don't sue me. I have no money. And on with the show. _________________________________________________________________________ ** Masu Wrestling ** Int. Washu's Lab A red crab bell jangles as the lab door opens. TENCHI steps into the lab and closes the door. Looking into the camera: Tenchi Hi, I'm Tenchi Masaki. Welcome to Guretsu Muyo. Tenchi wanders further into the lab, when he hears WASHU's voice. VO: Washu So, Tenchi, you here to donate a sample? Tenchi Not exactly. Say, I see you've collected more Masu. Tenchi reaches a large tank tilled with water and small blobs floating about inside. Standing in front is Washu. Washu That's right Tenchi. Tenchi Since I was out in the field when you were explaining the Masu to the others, I was wondering if you would mind going over some of the basic points with me. Washu Sure thing Tenchi. The Masu are a collective of single celled protoplasmic lifeforms. They respond to a leader Masu, or another lifeform that has a strong will. When grouped together, they are extremely powerful if they sense that they are under attack. Tenchi So what are my chances of wrestling the Masu, Washu-chan? Washu Slim to none, Tenchi, slim to none. Int. Kitchen - Day SASAMI is on her step stool in front of the counter chopping vegetables. Several large pots are on the stove, one on the verge of boiling over. Tenchi enters the kitchen: Tenchi Sasami, you've seen what the Masu can do, right? Sasami is still focused on chopping the vegetables: Sasami Yeah, why? Tenchi What are my chances of wrestling the Masu? Sasami is obviously disturbed by this idea, and looks over at Tenchi: Sasami Not good Tenchi, I wish you wouldn't do it. (to herself) Now where did I put the "Mr. Sparkle" dishsoap? Int. Living Room - Day RYOKO is laying on the couch, watching a soap opera featuring two badly drawn colored blobs with flippers. Tenchi sits down on the couch beside her: Tenchi Ryoko, what are my chances of wrestling the Masu? Ryoko bolts upright and stares Tenchi in the eyes: Ryoko Why on earth would you want to do that? Have you gone nuts? Tenchi I'm fine, it'll be alright. C'mon, what are my chances? Ryoko Slim to none. Int. Washu's Lab A wrestling ring is set up in the middle of the lab. Tenchi is standing in one corner, wearing a wrestling uniform. Washu is standing by the Masu tank. She is wearing a metal cap with several wires coming out of it and going to a computer. Inside the ring, acting as the announcer, is MIHOSHI, wearing a tuxedo. Standing outside the ring are AYEKA, Sasami, Ryoko, and RYO-OHKI. Tenchi Washu-chan, are the Masu ready? Washu Almost there! Washu opens a valve, flushing the Masu from the tank through a pipe onto the ring. She stands over the oozing pile of goo with a look of concentration on her face. Washu Just have to concentrate to get them going. This device should be amplifying my brainwaves and directing them to the Masu. The Masu pile quivers, then gathers itself together and takes on a humanoid form, much like the one that Ryo-ohki assimilated. Cut to Tenchi: Tenchi Hi, I'm Tenchi Masaki and this is "Masu Wrestling." Cut to Mihoshi: Mihoshi Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, for one night only, we present to you Tenchi Masaki versus the Masu! Okay you two, keep it clean and let's get it on! Washu rings a bell. Cut to the ring: Tenchi and the Masu square off and size each other up. Tenchi backs off. Tenchi Yeah, what's up Masu, ya wanna take on the Light Hawk Master, huh? C'mon punk, let's see whatcha got for me! Tenchi and the Masu lock up. The Masu proceeds to pick Tenchi up and holds him in the air. A loud WHAM echos throughout the lab as Tenchi is slammed to the mat. He slowly crawls to the ropes and pulls himself up. The Masu stands on the opposite side of the ring, points its arm towards Tenchi, and zaps him with an energy bolt. Tenchi, writhing on the mat: Tenchi Aww shiiit that hurts! Dammit! C'mon, fight fair. Don't get me pissed or I'll have to...yeeoww! The Masu zaps him again as he tries to get up, then one more time. Tenchi collapses in a smoking heap, and groans: Tenchi Slim to none my ass. More like a snowball's chance in hell... Cut to Mihoshi, standing by the Masu in the middle of the ring: Mihoshi By decision, the winner is...Ryoko's honorable father, uh, the Masu! Hey, what are you doing? Lookout, it's loose! Help, Washu-chan, do something! Run for your life! Everyone is running about the lab in a scene of chaos as the Masu goes on a rampage. Cut to static. ** Home Security ** Ext. Front Gate - Day Tenchi is standing in front of the gate with Ayeka and her two guardians, AZAKA and KAMIDAKE, at their usual position of gate posts. Tenchi Hi, I'm Tenchi Masaki, and today we'll be conducting a little demonstration of our home security. I'll be testing out the two guardians, the princess's micro logs, and something that Ryoko has prepared as a surprise. Ayeka looks down and slowly shakes her head. Tenchi Now, I'm going to try to run through the gate, and you two have stop me. When I start, don't listen to me, only take orders from the princess, got it? Azaka & Kamidake Yes sir! We will do our best! Ayeka Do you think this is a good idea, Lord Tenchi? Tenchi Everything is under control. CHARGE!! Tenchi tries to run through the gate, and is stopped by a forcefield. The guardians then shock him with bolts of energy that crackle from their surfaces. Tenchi Yeeooww! Dammit, knock it off! He struggles to free himself, and is shocked again. Ayeka stands to the side, too stunned to do anything. Tenchi Ayeka, do something! Kuso! Yeeooww!! Tenchi is shocked several more times by the guardians, at which point Ayeka remembers she has to call them off. Ayeka Azaka! Kamidake! Cease immediately! Azaka & Kamidake Yes Princess! The forcefield is shut off, and Tenchi proceeds to stumble about while cursing to himself. Ext. Front Yard - Day Tenchi Ok, Ayeka, now we're going to test your force field emitters. Don't worry, I'll be fine, I think. With a sigh: Ayeka If you say so, Lord Tenchi. (under her breath) Stupid show. Tenchi All right, HIT ME! Tenchi is immediately surrounded by an array of miniature logs. They emit a barely visible translucent force field that squeezes Tenchi in a body bind. This bind tightens as Tenchi squirms to free himself. Tenchi Aw crap, I can't breathe! Lemme outta this thing! Tenchi is promptly released, drops to his knees, and begins coughing as he sucks in a lungful of fresh air. VO: Mihoshi Could you tell us which one was worse, Tenchi? Tenchi Definitely the guardians. They shocked the bejesus out of me. Trust me, I wouldn't recommend it for anyone. But this one was pretty bad, too. I think I'm gonna be sore for a couple of days. VO: Ryoko Tenchi, are you ready for my big surprise? Pan from Tenchi to Ryoko, who is hanging out of the second floor window, waving to Tenchi. She phases back inside. Int. Upper Room Ryoko is hovering over an elaborate setup of PA gear, turning various knobs and pushing buttons. To herself: Ryoko Okkaaay, boost the treble and mids *way* up, amplifier set to maximum, that should do it, heh heh heh. Ext. Front Yard Tenchi Allright, Ryoko, we're set! Ayeka, you know what she's up to? Ayeka No, I don't Tenchi, but I know she's up to no good. Int. Upper Room Most of Ryoko's face is hidden in a shadow, except for a crooked grin. Camera follows her hand as she moves it across a mixing board to a tape deck, then pushes play. Ext. Front Yard A short burst of static erupts from a set of loudspeakers hung from above the porch. Playing Ryoko's voice: Speakers Introducing Ryoko's Ultimate Home Security System! Following this announcement, a high pitched squeal bursts from the speakers. The squeal is actually a rather familiar, though distorted, voice in a fast paced tirade saying something about an ugly demon and drinking sake. Ryoko appears next to Tenchi and hangs off his shoulders. Ryoko I made a recording of Ayeka during one of our fights. Personally, I think this would scare off anyone. Ya like it? Tenchi faints. Ayeka grabs Ryoko's throat and squeezes it until Ryoko's face turns blue, all while her amplified voice screeches from the speakers. Fade out. ** Random Scene 1 ** Ext. Masaki House - Night A lone figure is running on top of the roof towards the edge. Several other figures are hanging around the shrubbery below, quietly laughing with each other. The figure reaches the edge, takes a small leap, and plummets screaming into the shrubbery below. Mihoshi slowly crawls out while everyone is laughing. ** Skating in Tokyo ** Ext. Downtown Tokyo - Day The sidewalks are crowded with pedestrians. Careening down the sidewalk while weaving around the pedestrians is Ryoko on a skateboard. She is attired in baggy cargo shorts, boarding shoes, a loose shirt, and shades. While crossing a street, she misses the olly up the curb and flies off the board, much to the shock of the people around her. Ryoko screams as she heads towards a wall. To everyone's greater suprise, she phases halfway though the wall, leaving only her legs dangling out of a seemingly solid wall. Quietly to herself: Ryoko Heh heh, bunch of suckers. A crowd gathers around her, with everyone talking excitedly about what to do. Muffled: Ryoko Oh, won't someone please help? Help! Get me out of here! One person begins tugging on a leg, to no availe. A second person pulls on the other at the same time, till they are working in unison. Ryoko gives a half-hearted scream. Others join in the pulling effort, but nothing works. At last, several people pull at once, while Ryoko phases out of the wall and allows herself to be pulled out. However, with everyone pulling, she comes flying out of the wall backwards and knocks several people over. Ryoko teleports back to the shrine. And like that, she was gone. Everone at the wall (which has no hole in it) stands around blinking their eyes and looking confused. Fade out. ** Fun with Mountain Bikes ** Ext. Masaki Shrine - Day Mihoshi, Sasami, and Ayeka are seated on mountain bikes at the top of the steps going up the hill to the shrine. Yosho stands in the shrine's doorway. Noboyuki stands in the brush to the sides of the steps near the top. Ryoko and Tenchi are halfway down the stairs and at the bottom, respectively. All three are armed with cameras. Cut to Ayeka: Ayeka I'm Ayeka Jurai, and this is mountain bike fun. Washu stands behind the girls at the top. She raises her hand into the air, grabs a starter pistol out of subspace, and fires. Washu Begin! Mihoshi, Sasami, and Ayeka pedal to the steps and proceed to ride straight down. All three begin to scream. As they pick up speed, Mihoshi loses her balance not far from the top, wobbles about violently, wipes out and does a superman into the brush. Mihoshi Waaaahh! Sasami and Ayeka pick up some real speed while bouncing down the steps and scream even louder. Cut to Ryoko's POV, halfway down: Ayeka is in the lead, her teeth clenched together, and eyes large as saucers. She's also white as a ghost. Ryoko chucks a stick at her, but misses. Sasami is doing the best she can to hang on for dear life. As she passes Ryoko, she bails off into the brush. The bike ghost rides for a few meters, then clatters to rest on the steps. Cut to Tenchi's POV: Ayeka is approaching at breakneck speed down the steps. Tears are streaming from her eyes and are whipped behind her as the wind pushes them back. She passes by in a flash and a scream, reaching the bottom unscathed. She brakes hard, skids around, stops, and... Thud. Ayeka keels over in a dead faint. At that moment, everyone shouts and exclaims that that was the coolest thing they had ever seen. Cut to Mihoshi: Mihoshi had climbed up a tree close to where she crashed to get a better view. She slips, and tumbles down into the brush. Fade out. ** Blowin' Shit up ** Int. Washu's Lab Tenchi and Washu stand beside a table in the lab. This table is covered with what appears to be a large quantity of firecrackers. Some of them have blinking lights and wires sticking out. Washu scoops several of them into a bag. She and Tenchi leave the lab. A modified firecracker falls from the table and detonates, leaving a large smoking crater in the floor. Ext. Front Yard - Day Tenchi and Washu-chan gather in the front yard with the rest of the girls, minus Ryoko. Washu Hi, I'm Little Washu, and today we're blowin' shit up. Washu pulls a red stuffed crab from subspace and sets it on the ground in the front yard. She places one of the blinking firecrackers under it. Washu Okay now, step back. She produces a small remote with a large red button and a long thin antenna. Washu Counting down: 3 - 2 - 1 - Hai! Washu presses the button and a blinding flash with a thunderous roar fill the air. When the smoke clears, everyone is standing about looking dazed and singed at the edges. A gaping smoking crater fills half the front yard. Tenchi Incoming! The stuffed crab falls from the sky and into Washu's outstretched hand. Sasami Are all those things as powerful as that one? Washu Of course not. Most are much bigger! HA HA! Washu reaches into the bag, takes out a rather large device, and throws it into the lake. She presses the button. Tenchi Run! Everyone bolts in different directions as the Misaki house is inundated by a tidal wave. Ryoko suddenly appears by Washu's side. Ryoko Hey! What do you think you're doing? You woke me up! Give me those things, or someone's gonna get hurt! Washu What, you mean little old me? Both pull on the bag, but Ryoko prevails and runs off into the woods alone to dispose of the bag and its contents so she can return to her nap. No one notices the remote lying on the ground until Mihoshi steps on it. Several large explosions go off in the woods. A loud scream is heard above the explosions. Tenchi Incoming! A faint scream is heard, then grows louder as a charred and smoking Ryoko plummets towards the Misaki home. She crashes through the roof, then storms out of the house, and destroys all the recording equipment... Cut to static. ** Fin ** ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Like I said in the beginning, try not to take this thing too seriously. If you want to do a spinoff or another episode with your own stunts and pranks, go right ahead, be my guest. In the works: Ryoko is sent to the Mirai Trunks' timeline to assist him. Tenchi's mind is switched with that of Beavis and/or Butthead. *Watch The Seven Samurai!* (or anything else by Akira Kurosawa, for that matter) old_took@hotmail.com The Old Took: Hobbit in "The Lord of the Rings" & "The Hobbit;" a relative to Bilbo Baggins.