It's a little known fact that, with the current lack of activity on the Tenchi production front, the cast are at something of a loose end and are willing to try their hands at anything to earn a little sake money. Even remakes of old B movies. Or it may be that we really, really need yet another re-telling of the story of how Tenchi and Ryoko met. In any case, not wishing for the Tenchi fan community to miss anything of significance, Studio Kaizoku proudly presents... The Devil-Princess from Jurai Cast, in order of appearance Mihoshi Kuramitsu as The Beautiful Barmaid Sasami Masaki as The Annoying Brat Ryo-Ohki as The Toy Train Katsuhito Masaki as The BBC Radio Announcer Funaho Masaki as The Terribly Sensible Landlady Washu Hakubi as The Know-It-All Scientist Tenchi Masaki as The Thirsty Reporter The Washubots as Themselves, unfortunately Kiyone Makibi as The Escaped Convict Azusa Masaki as The Drunken Landlord Kazuhiko Amagasaki as The Unfortunate Hired Hand Ryoko as The Runaway Model Ryu-oh as The Flying Saucer Aeka Masaki as The Devil-Princess Azaka and Kamidake as The Ridiculous Tin Can Robot Comfy chairs supplied by Monty Python's Flying Circus Blatantly plagiarised from "Devil-Girl from Mars" a wonderful B movie based on a play by John C. Mather and James Eastwood Screenplay by James Eastwood Please view the movie before reading the fic, as many of the jokes won't make too much sense otherwise. Additional non-original dialog lifted from various Tenchi Muyo! shows and offshoots by Bob T. Mi-go who is currently believed to be in hiding mailto:bobtmigo@teleport.com "Tenchi Muyo" and its characters are the property of Anime International Company and Pioneer LDC This is a work of fan fiction by one who genuinely enjoys all of the shows referenced herein. No claim on any of these characters, shows or stories is intended nor should be inferred. As far as is legally applicable, this work is Copyright (C) 1998, Robert J. Cannard. It may be copied and distributed freely provided no changes are made and no charge is levied. It must be withdrawn from circulation should there be any objection from AIC, Pioneer, Rhino, or any other rightful copyright holder. Mihoshi stood behind the wet bar, polishing glasses. There were no customers; none of the locals felt like braving the cold Scottish winter evening to visit the inn. There wouldn't be any tourists at that time of year, either. Mihoshi's only companion in the lounge bar was Sasami, who was playing with Ryo-Ohki at one of the tables. They turned on the radio to listen to Katsuhito reading the news. "Harrumph. This is the BBC Home Service." Sasami looked up. "I thought BBC newsreaders weren't supposed to harrumph." "Well, he finds the BBC accent difficult," Mihoshi replied. "Here is the news. It was announced by the Space Science Institute today that the mysterious noise heard over a lonely part of Invernesshire yesterday was caused by a supposed meteor falling to earth." "Mihoshi, what's a meteor?" Sasami asked. Mihoshi puzzled for a moment. "Well, I don't know, Sasami. But I'm glad it didn't fall on Kiyone." The radio continued. "Many reports have since come in regarding an unidentified white aircraft seen over the Hebrides last night." Funaho entered from the kitchen. "Come on now, turn that off. It'll be in all the newspapers in the morning, and it's time for Sasami to make supper. Go on, Sasami." Sasami nodded, picked up Ryo-Ohki and headed for the door to the kitchen. Mihoshi turned to Funaho. "Say Mrs. Masaki, did you know there's a meteor dropped near here?" Funaho laughed. "Meteor! A bit of rock from the sky. Next thing you know they'll be saying trees can fly... Sasami!" Sasami had been listening from the doorway. "Yes, Auntie, I'm going." She closed the door with a final sulk. "I'll be glad when Misaki comes back to take the little beggar off my hands," Funaho said. Mihoshi had stars in her eyes. "Mrs. Masaki, don't you think it's romantic, coming all that way to drop in our back garden?" Funaho smiled. "Mrs. Matthews in the village said it dropped on Ochinairie and that's nearly 40 miles away." The smile vanished. "Now get on with your work!" "Ah-ha, right away!" Mihoshi swiftly resumed polishing glasses, but as soon as Funaho was gone she turned the radio back on again. In the finest tradition of radio newsreaders in B movies, Katsuhito had politely waited while the radio was off. "Professor Washu Hakubi, the well-known mad scientist, has travelled north today to investigate the mysterious object and will give a detailed report of its size..." On a lonely road in the middle of nowhere, two very cold people in a small car shone a flashlight over a map. They, too, were listening to Katsuhito reading the news. Tenchi, the driver, reached across and switched off Katsuhito's voice. "Washu, if you can tear yourself away from your own hero worship for just a moment..." A tartan-clad Washubot popped up on Washu's shoulder. "Och aye, Washu, ye're the grandest, the noo! Washu, ye're the cannyUNK!" Tenchi punched the bot's lights out. "As I was saying, perhaps now you can make something of this map, hmm?" Washu studied the map up and down, then scowled and ripped it into a thousand pieces. "Maps! I can't handle this primitive technology. Give me a tri-d holographic multi-indexed database any day." Tenchi laughed. "You formulate equations that could cause the destruction of entire universes yet you can't even read a map of Scotland? Do you want to know something, Washu?" "What?" "We're lost." "Oh, are we? Well in that case, Tenchi, there's nothing else to do, so about those samples you promised me..." Tenchi hastily turned the radio back on. "Kiyone Makibi, the ex-Galaxy Police detective convicted of murder, who recently escaped from Sterling Prison, is still at large. Her description is as follows. Height five foot eight and a half, dark bluish-green hair..." They failed to notice Kiyone hiding behind a boulder at the side of the road. In the kitchen, Azusa dried off his hands and tried to sneak away. As usual, Funaho spotted him. "Azusa!" "Yes, dear?" "Where do you think you're going?" "Just into the lounge, dear." "Into the lounge bar, you mean. Anyway, you'll stay here. Mihoshi, you hurry up with those dishes!" "Okay, Mrs Masaki!" Mihoshi carried the dishes into the lounge bar. As she was about to set them on the table, there was a knock at the French window. Mihoshi shrieked. Dishes went flying in all directions, shattering into tiny pieces as they hit the floor. "Oops..." She hastily kicked the shards under the table, then nervously opened the windows. "Kiyone!" Kiyone took one look at Mihoshi and groaned. "Oh, gods... of all the bars in all the inns in Scotland I had to walk into yours!" "Oh Kiyone, I'm so glad they let you out!" "With my luck? You've got to be kidding." "You mean you escaped? They're after you? Wow." "Er, well, yes." "And you came all the way here just to see me!" Kiyone turned sickly green. "Urk... not exactly." "Oh, Kiyone, it's so good to see you again! Is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes, you can let go of my leg. Then maybe a bite to eat, somewhere to sleep." "Erm, well that's a bit awkward..." Kiyone brightened. "Oh, really? Well I wouldn't want to put you to any trouble, I'll just be on my way, ha-ha." Funaho entered from the kitchen. She saw the broken plates under the table and shook her head. Then she noticed Kiyone. "And who might you be?" Mihoshi answered. "Oh, Mrs. Masaki, this is my good friend Ki-OW! Hey, that hurt." Kiyone had kicked Mihoshi on the kneecap. "Kasumi. My name's Kasumi, Mrs. Masaki. Mihoshi's always getting my name mixed up, you know? Ha-ha." She bopped Mihoshi one just to be sure. Mihoshi rubbed her sore head. "Really? Oh, okay, Kasumi. Anyway, Mrs. Masaki, Kasumi has just esGLURK!" Kiyone now had Mihoshi in a stranglehold. I'm on a - er - hiking tour and thought I'd drop in to see my good friend, Mihoshi." Whispering, she added, "Will you get your act together?" "I suppose you'll want a room and a bath?" Funaho asked. "I don't see your luggage. You'll have to pay in advance." "Ulp... I..." Mihoshi was now getting into the swing of things, as well as she could considering her face was turning blue. "Oh, er, >gasp< isn't it terrible, Mrs. Masaki! She lost her >choke< handbag! She was just >wheeze< telling me about it! There she was... er... crossing the stream... erm... she >glug< looked down to see a fish that's in the water... and the next thing she knows... her >gorp< handbag's gone! Ack!" Kiyone tightened her grip due to the lameness of the tale. "I'd... I'd be willing to work for my keep." Funaho looked Kiyone up and down suspiciously. "Very well, I can't refuse you hospitality. There's much to do around here, don't worry." "Thanks, thanks very much." Kiyone didn't sound too enthusiastic. As she returned to the kitchen, Funaho added, "But I warn you, I'm counting the spoons!" Kiyone scowled. "Thanks a bundle, Mihoshi." "Oh, no problem, Kiyone!" "Kasumi." ">glurgle< Whatever. Would you >ulk< like a drink?" "Yeah, if I get drunk enough I may forget where I am." Kiyone hauled Mihoshi across to the wet bar before releasing her. "Mihoshi, those things you wrote. What were they, letters to drive me out of my mind?" Mihoshi looked as puzzled as she could, although she was still gasping for air. "Erm, >gasp< nope, I don't >gasp< think so." "I broke out of there because I couldn't stand reading them any more! Because I had to get away from you again!" "Oh, wow... Say, why did you kill that woman, anyway? I know, you were being over-affectionate like you always are with me - like just now - only you got a little carried away, didn't you, Kiyone?" "No I did not! It was a... it was an accident! My yo-yo string broke!" "Really? You do seem to be accident prone, Kiyone. I still remember when you flew Yagami into Ben Nevis and stranded us here." "What can you expect, when the walking catastrophe follows me everywhere. And it's Kasumi, for goodness sake!" "Okay, okay. Well, here's your drink. So, erm, how have you been, Kiyone?" Kiyone grabbed Mihoshi and hauled her over the bar. "KA-SU-MI! Is that so hard, you brainless wassock?" "A-ha... whatever you say, Kiyone." Kiyone dropped Mihoshi again. "I give up." "So, how did they treat you in there, Kiyone? Was there lots to read?" "Only your freakin' letters!" "Oh my. Well I'm glad they made you happy." "Good grief. Try to stay calm, change the subject. So, who's staying in this place?" Mihoshi paused to think. "Um, now let me see... Actually the place is empty right now. There's only Mr. and Mrs. Masaki." "Just them?" "Yep. Oh, and their little niece Sasami." "And that's all?" "Uh-huh." At that moment a side door opened and Kazuhiko entered. He shuffled over to the fireplace, deposited some logs, then shuffled out again. "So who was that, then?" "Oh, whoops, that was Kazuhiko, he works here. He's a bit of a creep." "Now you're quite sure that's all?" "Mm-hmm... Oh, except for Ryoko." Kiyone slapped herself on the forehead. "Of course. Wait a moment, there's something familiar about that name. Who is she?" "Um, she's some kind of model from London, at least that's what she said. Don't know what she's doing in this dump." "Hmm. And who else is here?" "Um, nope, I'm sure that's all." The Band of the Black Watch marched through, wearing full dress uniform and playing "Amazing Grace" on bagpipes. "Ah, yes. And them." Ryoko sat at her dressing table. She adjusted her dress - her favourite low-cut white one with the parti-coloured jacket - then stuck her tongue out at her reflection. Satisfied, she rose and floated elegantly through the door (not bothering to open it, of course) then teleported into the downstairs hall. Azusa was waiting for her. "Evening, Ryoko. As usual you're looking very attractive." "Evening, Azusa. It looks like we're going to have a storm." "Very probably, if you keep dressing like that." Ryoko laughed and twirled. "'The suit is manufactured from finest Aldebaranian cotton. The detail and neckline are unusually interesting, their effect being enhanced by the openness of the skirt and the bright red hose.'" Funaho's voice came from the kitchen. As ever it was calm and quiet but carried all the authority of a steamroller. "Azusa, would you please leave Ryoko alone and come here. This instant." Azusa turned pale. "Coming, my dear." Ryoko phased through the wall into the lounge bar. "Oh, hi, Ryoko," Mihoshi said. "Kasumi's a new visitor, just arrived." Kiyone breathed a sigh of relief. "She remembered. Thank you, God." Ryoko looked suspiciously at Kiyone. "Haven't I seen your face somewhere before... Are you a renegade cop or something?" Kiyone stared at Ryoko, sudden recognition warring with the absolute need to keep her true identity under cover. "No, just a... erm... just a hiker, you know." Ryoko was now eyeball to eyeball with Kiyone. "Kasumi, huh? You look awfully familiar to me. You sure you've never worked for the Galaxy Police?" Kiyone was sweating. "Erm, no, I, ha-ha, don't think so. Er, Mihoshi, where's the kitchen?" "Why, it's through there." Kiyone made a swift exit. Ryoko blew a raspberry after her. Tenchi had stopped the car near an ancient pointer-style road sign and was trying to read it using the flashlight. Washu poked her head out of the window. "What's it say?" "Some loch this way, the Bonnie Cabbit that way. Sounds like a pub." "We'll take the pub." It took only a few minutes to reach the inn. "Here we are, Washu, the Bonnie Cabbit." Washu looked the place over without enthusiasm. "Can't we push on? We could get much further tonight." "Come on, Washu, I've been driving since daylight! I'm not moving out of here till morning." "Alright, alright, but you won't get much of a story here. Well, whatever, let's get some sake." "Sake? Don't you mean scotch? Anyway, I'm still a minor." Washu gave him a searching look. "Shouldn't you be 20-something by now?" Tenchi scratched his head. "Oh, yeah..." He went to the inn's front door and knocked. After a few moments Azusa opened it. "Good evening, sir, miss." "Er, evening," Tenchi answered. "I wonder if you could fix us up with rooms for tonight." Azusa looked Tenchi up and down. "Well I don't know about that." Washu was getting impatient. "This is an inn, isn't it?" "Well, yes, but, uh, we're really closed for the winter. Except of course for the bar." "Alright! Then lead us to the bar, Mr. er..." "Masaki," Azusa said. "You too?" Tenchi said. "What a coincidence." Once inside the lounge bar, Washu headed straight for the fireplace and gleefully warmed herself. "Solid-fuelled chemical fire. Primitive but hot enough." Azusa gestured towards Funaho. "This is my wife, miss, gentleman." Funaho nodded. "Good evening." Washu was happily toasting. "We lost our way. We had rooms booked at Ochinaerie but..." Funaho looked shocked. "That's forty miles away! You can't drive so far at this time of night. Most of my rooms are closed, but I should be able to find something for you. Well, I expect you'd both like something to eat." "What I'd like most is a drink," Tenchi said. Azusa quickly headed for the bar. "Of course, I'll serve you myself, sir." Funaho intercepted him. "You'll do nothing of the sort, Azusa. Mihoshi is looking after the bar. You go and get the bags out of the car." "Rats," Azusa muttered. "What was that?" "Nothing, my dear." Tenchi seated himself at the bar and examined a nearby half-finished tomato juice. A moment later Ryoko emerged from the ladies' room. She parked herself next to him, picked up the juice, took a sip, then pulled a 'Yuch' face. Breaking the habit of a lifetime, Tenchi took the initiative. "Why, hello." Ryoko turned to the newcomer. "Well, hello yourself." Tenchi flushed slightly. "Er... My name is Masaki. Tenchi Masaki. I'm a correspondent for the Daily Messenger." "Oh, really." Ryoko continued sipping her drink, making a face after each sip. "I don't actually read the Messenger. Except for the Wanted notices... er, forget I said that." He looked Ryoko over curiously. "You're not the landlord's daughter. You're a guest. But from where? And why here, in the depths of winter?" He took the drink from Ryoko's hand. "Now there is an interesting clue. Not many girls drink tomato juice, unless..." Ryoko took back her drink. "Unless what?" "Unless they're afraid of putting on weight?" Ryoko glared. Steam poured out of her ears. Tenchi had a flash of inspiration. "I know, you're a space pirate!" Mihoshi arrived behind the bar just in time to be sprayed with tomato juice as Ryoko choked. "Yep, space pirate," Tenchi said. He turned to the red-coated, blinking barmaid. "So who are you?" Mihoshi thought for a moment, looked around, then reached into a pocket and extracted a small card. "I'm Mihoshi." "I'm Tenchi. I should like a very large scotch and a very small soda. Possibly this lady would like another of erm..." "Oh, Ryoko only drinks tomato juice, you know." Ryoko glared. "That's not in my contract!" Azusa arrived behind the bar. "Hello there, Mr. Masaki, Tenchi said. "Washu, come and join me in a drink." Having toasted herself enough, Washu joined them and sat next to Ryoko. "I'm Washu, Professor Wa... Ryoko!" Ryoko looked at her. "Oh god." "Do you two know each other?" Tenchi asked. "Long story," Ryoko said. "Oh. Well, the professor will have a scotch," Tenchi said. "Mr. Masaki, what about you?" "Thank you, I'll have a small scotch too." The other Washubot, also tartan-clad, popped up behind the bar. Mihoshi smashed it with a mallet before it could speak. Everyone cheered. "Professor Washu," Mihoshi said. "Oh yes, the radio! You were on the nine o'clock news. They said you were coming up here to look for thunderbolts or something. Here." Washu accepted her drink. "Thank you. Well, there's no secret about it. The Space Science Institute has asked me to check out a meteor near here. Tenchi is covering the newspaper side of it." Ryoko had gone to the window. "I'm sure I saw a flash of light in the sky!" Washu joined her. "Nah, just a shooting star. Perfectly ordinary, Ryoko. Nothing to worry about." "That's what you said last time you trapped me in your damned laboratory." "When something like this gets in the newspapers, people start imagining all sorts of things." Ryoko picked Washu up by the lapels. "You're trying to tell *me* that I saw something that wasn't there?" "Ah-ha, you probably exaggerated its size. And that's no way to talk to your mother, Ryoko. Now come on, have a drink with me, there's a good girl." Ryoko groaned. "Okay, 'mom'." They returned to the bar. Washu grinned. "Well let's all have a drink on me." Ryoko wondered which drink would look best on Washu. "No, this time it's on the house," Azusa said. "It's not every day we have a distinguished mad scientist from the Space Science Institute, a writer from the newspapers, and a notorious space pirate staying with us. Drinks on the house!" At that moment Funaho entered. "Azusa! What did you say? It's a good thing supper's ready! Would you take your places, please? I hope you won't mind eating here but it's the only room we're able to keep properly heated in the winter. Professor, will you sit there. Tenchi..." "Thank you," Tenchi said, as everyone seated themselves. Funaho placed a large tureen on the table. "Now I'm sure you're all going to like my Scotch broth." "Looks like miso soup to me," Ryoko said. "And wasn't Sasami doing the cooking?" "Oh, ah, that's right..." Funaho said, a little shamefaced. Azusa turned to Tenchi. "You've come a long way to see a bit of rock." Tenchi grinned. "We're hoping it'll turn out to be a flying saucer." "Well, I wouldn't have taken the pair of you for the Men in Black," Azusa said. Washu snorted. "He's more like the Man in Threadbare Grey. And anyway, Tenchi, why would space aliens come down in Scotland of all places? To see the Loch Ness Monster?" Azusa looked a mite offended. "Now I won't hear a word said against that animal. I saw it with my own eyes." "That was the time you saw two monsters," Funaho said. "He had a howling hangover the next day. Now where's the bread? I told that young lady to bring it. Come in, Kasumi." Tenchi stared at Kiyone. "Well... I know you." Kiyone looked flustered. "Oh, really, ha-ha..." Still behind the bar, Mihoshi dropped a glass. "Whoops. That's, erm, Kasumi, Tenchi. She's our new guest. And we're really happy she's here, aren't we, Mrs. Masaki?" Tenchi looked angry. "Maybe she won't be so welcome when you know who she really is. Don't you read the papers? Don't you listen to the radio?" His tirade was conveniently interrupted by a bright light from outside. The ground shook, and there was a deafening roar similar to an exceptionally noisy jet aircraft. Everyone dived for cover. As peace settled again, they all went to the patio to see Ryu-oh coming in to land nearby. "Damn, she's here already," Ryoko said. Washu was ecstatic. "Data! Data! We can't get any closer, it's radiating at the blue end of the visible spectrum!" "Pardon?" Tenchi said. "I said it's white hot, dimwit. Where are you going?" Tenchi had rushed back into the lounge bar. "I've got to get to the phone!" It turned out to be an old-style pillar job. Tenchi grabbed the earpiece and frantically clicked the switch. "Hello hello! What's the matter with this thing? Hello hello!" Mihoshi stared at him. "Like, um, what is it, Tenchi?" "It's an aircraft, but unlike anything I've ever seen before! Hello hello! It's like something from another planet!" The others had also returned to the bar. Ryoko turned to Washu. "I don't think I want to know, but what do you make of it, that - that thing out there?" Washu frowned. "I must confess that I'm completely baffled." Firecrackers cracked, champagne bottles popped, amidst cries of "Wahoo!", "Jackpot!", and "Did she really say that?" "Hey, did you guys get that on tape?" Ryoko called off-stage. "Okay, okay," Washu said. "Anyway it's some kind of plane or high- velocity missile." "Or a spaceship." Tenchi said. "It's made of wood, Tenchi. Since when are spaceships made of wood?" "But professor," Azusa said, "it looks like a flying saucer." "Letting our imaginations run away with ourselves, are we?" Ryoko scowled. "It's that woman's ship. I don't like it. I don't like it at all." Mihoshi had noticed that someone was missing. "Where's, erm, Kasumi gone?" Tenchi shrugged. "I guess she's taken the opportunity to get out while the going's good." "What do you mean?" Ryoko asked. "I mean Kasumi's real name is Kiyone Makibi." "The murderous Galaxy Police detective that escaped from Sterling Jail? I knew it!" "She's not a murderer!" Mihoshi blubbered. "Isn't she? The jury thought so." Tenchi picked up the phone and once again vainly tried to contact civilisation. "Hello. Hello, hello! Here I am with a flying saucer in my lap, not to mention an escaped convict, and I can't get this phone to work! Hello!" Ryoko returned to the window. "Washu, how do you think it looks now?" "Well, the mean wavelength of the black-body radiation has nearly doubled..." "You what?" Washu sighed. "It's now red hot, so it'll be at least 2 hours before we can go near it." Tenchi was going spare. "Mr. Masaki, how far is the nearest phone?" "Seven miles," Azusa replied. "How far's the village?" "Seven miles. That's where the house with the phone is." "Well I'm going right there. You coming, Washu?" Washu nodded. "The Space Science Institute should be informed of this without delay." Ryoko caught Tenchi's arm. "Tenchi! I know it sounds silly, but I don't like to be left here on my own. Wouldn't you rather stay here and keep me company?" "You'll be alright, we won't be long." "Idiot." With a total disregard for the vicious winter weather, Tenchi and Washu climbed into the car wearing only their indoor clothes. Ryoko was looking around the grounds when there was the sound of a bottle being knocked over. "Ah-ha... Come out, come out, wherever you are!" Kiyone emerged from the shadows. "So, we meet again, Ryoko." "Well well well, so it really is you, Kiyone. How'd a Galaxy Police detective get herself into a mess like this?" "Er, well, it's kind of embarrassing. But I just had to get out of there and off this wretched planet while I could. Please don't let Mihoshi know I'm still here!" "Oh my, running away from your own partner! Tenchi said that you're..." Kiyone sighed. "It was a mistake. I thought she was Mihoshi." "Oh, I see. Well, that makes sense. Anyway, I'm more concerned about the woman in that thing out there." "Thanks, Ryoko. You know, when I first met you, I thought you were a really nasty piece of work, but you're not, you're a really nice person as space pirates go. Well I've got to get out of here." "Yeah. Just remember that you owe me one, Kiyone!" Mihoshi wandered into the lounge bar. Kiyone emerged from behind a curtain. "Kiyone! You came back again! I'm so glad!" "Ack! Just my luck... Mihoshi, where have all the others gone?" "Well, Washu and Tenchi have gone down to the village to turn you in. Is that bad, Kiyone?" "What do you think?" "But why did you come back, Kiyone? I mean, I know you really like me and all that, but still..." "I forgot my overcoat!" "Oh. Wait, I've got an idea..." "Another miracle." Mihoshi led Kiyone upstairs to the attic, which was full of broken furniture and stuff. "Don't turn on the lights," Mihoshi said. She fell over the remains of a chair and crashed noisily to the floor. "Ouch!" Kiyone looked around with some disgust. "What is this?" "You can stay here, then we can be together forever!" Kiyone turned pale. "I... I can't do that! If - erm - come on Kiyone girl, think quick, your sanity is on the line here - if they find out you're hiding me, it'll mean prison for you too!" "I don't care, Kiyone, as long as I'm with you! Anyway, no-one's going to find you here. Tenchi thinks you've gone, and... I know, maybe we can make you look different! Perhaps you could grow a mustache. You'd look good with a mustache, Kiyone." Kiyone gaped. "Don't you like that idea, Kiyone? Well, perhaps we could go abroad or something? Just you and me, Kiyone?" "Ireland. You don't have to have a passport for Ireland." Kiyone wondered if she could drop Mihoshi into the Irish Sea on the way. "You know, when you came back tonight, I was so happy. I love you, Kiyone!" Mihoshi glommed Kiyone, who shrieked, pushed Mihoshi away, and scrambled backwards until her back was against the far wall. She sat there, panting, a panicky look on her face. "Oh Kiyone, you're always so shy. Oh well, there'll be plenty of other opportunities. Don't go away!" Kazuhiko limped aimlessly around the garden, wearing his favourite red shirt that he kept just for occasions like this. He found himself being drawn towards the mysterious flying saucer, which had now stopped glowing. A force-bubble floated out of it, and from it stepped Aeka, wearing her S&M outfit from the Tenchi Muyo Soundfile and brandishing her favourite whip. Kazuhiko fell flat on his face. Aeka walked up to him and gazed down with a somewhat disgusted expression. "Call me Princess." "Huh?" was all Kazuhiko could manage. Fortunately at least one part of his brain was working and he managed to get up and stagger away. Unfortunately he staggered into an invisible wall that didn't appear directly in front of him. He fell down again. "I said, call me Princess!" Aeka really wasn't too impressed with this specimen of Terran manhood. She cracked her whip. Kazuhiko's nose started to bleed. Aeka sighed. "Oh dear. 'No Need for Amagasaki', as they say." She set her whip to "Nuke 'em till they glow" and lashed out. Kazuhiko vanished in a blaze of light. All that remained was the echo of a whimper and a pair of smoking eyeglasses. The car had refused to start. Tenchi rummaged around under the hood trying to find what was wrong. "Is the tank full?" Washu called out. "Greatest scientific genius in the universe and she doesn't know that the tank is at the other end. Washu, the tank is full, I've checked the carburettor and the ignition." "What about the left hand transverse flange sprocket?" "Yes, I've... The what? Oh cut it out, Washu. The fact is this car is perfect, I can't understand it!" "Just like the telephone. Well, what's to be done now? You could just let me have those samples..." "Er... can we go back to the bar? I'd like to try the phone again." "Okay! At least we won't miss anything important." The lounge bar's French windows had been left wide open despite the winter weather. Tenchi headed for the phone while Washu wandered across to Mihoshi, who was sitting motionless on a bar stool with a silly grin on her face. "Mihoshi? Mihoshi, what's the matter, girl? Tenchi, come here a minute. What do you think of this?" "What's the matter?" Tenchi whispered. "Isn't she always like that?" He waved his hand in front of Mihoshi's face. She didn't respond in any way. "She can't see us. She can't hear us. So why am I whispering?" "Mihoshi!" Washu bellowed into her ear. "Mihoshi! Coo-eee, Mihoshi want a cracker!" "What's the explanation?" "Hypnosis, perhaps? Or maybe some kind of weird extra-terrestrial mind-altering ray? No, that requires a mind..." Suddenly there was a noise from the window. They turned to see Aeka standing there, grinning. Washu was the first to react. "What... who are you?" "My name is - er -" she pulled out a small card - "Aeka." "Haven't we already done that joke?" Tenchi said. Aeka cracked her whip and a table and four chairs vanished in a burst of gamma rays. "Oops, wrong setting." She changed it to "Ouch That Hurts." Tenchi was awestruck. "Where do you come from?" "Jurai." "Preposterous!" Washu exclaimed. "Everyone knows that aliens in kinky outfits come from Mars! Or is it Venus?" "You Earthlings are just as we expected: cute and dim. We *like* you." Washu whispered in Tenchi's ear, "See? Even she thinks I'm cute." "I believe you're the 'dim' half," he replied. Aeka came closer. "You are the scientist?" "Bingo!" "You're nuts." Aeka pushed Washu out of the way. "You speak English," Washu said. "She's quick. Of course I speak English! You're all English aren't you?" In the background, the sound of 10,000 Scots sharpening claymores could be heard. "You speak other languages?" Tenchi asked. "I speak them all. Except Hungarian. Never could get the hang of that one." Aeka waved her hand and the light of consciousness returned to Mihoshi's eyes. "You pick up our radio?" Washu asked. "Of course." "Is this the first time your spaceships have landed on Earth?" Tenchi cross-examined. "Yes, this is the first landing." "Why did you land here?" Washu asked. "A miscalculation. The course was set for London but, well, what do you expect when the ship's computer is a tree. The re-entry angle was wrong and part of the ship fell off." "That must have been the meteor, Washu," Tenchi whispered. "Repairs will take about four Earth hours. Or one point six economy-size Jurai hours." "Are you alone in the ship?" Washu asked. "Azaka and Kamidake are with me. They are robots with many of the important characteristics of men, but *improved* by an electronic..." Aeka suddenly looked embarrassed. "Never mind, that's totally irrelevant!" Out in the hall, Ryoko was about to phase through the door into the lounge bar, but stopped to eavesdrop on Aeka's wittering. "Ryu-oh is of course made of wood and can reproduce itself." "Oh, right," Washu said, sarcastically. "To go with the tree, of course." "Just why are you going to London?" Tenchi asked. "Because... Look, what is this? I'm the invader! They just told me to come down to this planet, blow up a few buildings, take some cute prisoners and stuff! I didn't expect some kind of Spanish Inquisition!" Mihoshi dropped another beer glass and gaped. Washu put her hand to her mouth. Everyone stared at Aeka, who was horrified beyond belief at her own words. "Oh my god, did I really just say that?" They all turned towards the door and waited expectantly. Nothing happened. Tenchi tapped his wristwatch and put it to his ear. Washu rocked back and forth on her heels and whistled. Mihoshi drummed her fingers on the bar. Aeka's right eye started to twitch. Finally bored with the long silence, Ryoko poked her head and hand through the door and waved. "Hallo hallooo!" Everyone fell over. "Hey, what were you expecting me to say? Hiya Princess, long time no see. What's up?" "You!" Aeka exclaimed. "Well, it's not important, there's nothing you can do this time, Ryoko." "You know her?" Tenchi asked. "Long story," Ryoko said. "Aren't there any short stories?" "Not in my past, no." "Will you be quiet?" Aeka screamed. "I'm supposed to do a soliloquy here! Humf... Many of your Earth years ago, our women were similar to yours today. Our emancipation took several hundred years. It ended in a bitter, devastating war between the sexes..." She tapped the whip handle against the palm of her hand, another flush coming to her cheeks as she reminisched. "Quite devastating, tee-hee..." "So you couldn't get your samples, either," Washu said. Aeka glared. "Silence! Anyway, all inhabited planets have had wars, some have ended by wiping themselves out." "How?" "For every new weapon invented, a defence is perfected, until the ultimate weapon was developed: a perpetual motion chain reactor beam." "Unbelievable," Washu said. She took out a notebook. "What form did it take?" "As fast as matter was created, it was changed by its molecular structure into the next dimension and so destroyed itself." "I knew it. You've been reading the Washuspeak Primer, haven't you?" Aeka scowled and continued. "After the war of the sexes, women became the rulers of Jurai. But now the male has fallen into a decline. The birth rate is dropping tremendously. For despite our advanced science, we have still found no way of creating life. I've come for new blood, as it were. But also to test the newly invented wooden tree-ships like mine. On Jurai, some think I will not return." "They can always hope," Ryoko said, trying to stay awake. "Indeed... Huh? Well, when I get back we will grow many more tree-ships! Meanwhile I will select some of your strongest men to return with me to Jurai." Tenchi perked up. "And if they don't want to go with you?" "There is no 'if'. You'll love it, or you will die!" Aeka slapped the whip against her palm again. Tenchi was starting to have nose trouble. "Your, erm, philosophy may not be appreciated! How do you propose to subdue London, or anywhere else for that matter, whilst you take your pick of the men?" "What does philosophy have to do with it? Do you really think that your men can resist *me*?" Ryoko turned pale. "Horrible... Washu, what can we do about this?" Washu mused. "Hmm. Such power. We must be objective; Jurai offers us the scientific millenium, not to mention lots of kinky sex." "Hey, she's after the men, remember?" "Oh yes, sorry. Well anyway, this is a turning point in the history of the world." Funaho entered from the kitchen. "You're back." Tenchi gestured. "Mrs. Masaki, may I introduce your latest guest, Miss Aeka... er..." "Masaki." "You too?" Funaho said. "What a coincidence." "She comes from Jurai." Funaho frowned. "Oh, well that'll mean another bed." Funaho did a double- take. "She's come from where? Oh... Azusa! Azusa!" She ran back into the kitchen. "Where is Azusa?" Ryoko asked. "I'll go after her. Funaho? Funaho!" Ryoko found Funaho and Azusa wandering around outside in a tizzy. She brought them back to the lounge. "Funaho, Azusa, what happened?" "It's Sasami," Azusa said, "I can't find the little squirt anywhere." "Maybe she's gone with Kazuhiko?" Tenchi asked. (Pretty smart, considering Tenchi never met him.) Azusa considered. "No, she'd never go with him. Credit the girl with some taste." Tenchi turned to Aeka. "Have you..." "Of course," Aeka replied. "Is he alive?" "No, he was quite hopeless. He couldn't even grovel properly." "Do you know what they do on this earth to murderers?" Tenchi tried to attack Aeka, but she only brandished her whip while Ryoko held him back. Aeka started to leave through the French windows. "Do not try to follow me. You cannot get help. I've placed an invisible wall around this house through which no-one can pass, in or out. Oh ho ho ho ho!" They all rushed after her, but she was nowhere to be seen. Washu paced around. "Invisible wall, indeed. I'll bet it's nothing more than a tuppenny force-field." "Well I believe it," Tenchi said. "When she went out of here she just - vanished!" "It's absolutely ridiculous, Tenchi! I'm a scientist, I believe what my brain tells me to believe! What I can see with my own eyes!" Ryoko looked sly. "Even when it's there and you can't see it, Washu? Or it's not there and you can see it? Or maybe you only think it's there and really it's..." Her eyes crossed. "Don't teach your mother to suck eggs, Ryoko dear. Well, I'm going to try and find this so-called invisible wall." "No, Washu, no! You could be hurt!" Ryoko called out. "Er, what am I saying? Go for it Washu! Go for it!" Washu wandered into the garden, arms stretched out in front of her. "I'd have thought she could have come up with something a bit more original than that," Ryoko said. Mihoshi was starting to cry. "Mrs. Masaki, we're all going to die, aren't we?" "I don't know," Funaho said. "But whatever comes must be met with courage. Come on, Azusa, while we're still alive we might as well have a cup of tea." "Blech," Ryoko said. "Tenchi, I have a much better idea..." Time passed by. Washu was still outside trying to find the invisible wall. Inside, Tenchi found himself in Ryoko's room. "Erm, Ryoko, why did you bring me up here?" "Er... Well, you can see that Thing better from up here." "Thing? You mean the spaceship?" "No, I mean Aeka." "The tomato juice girl wouldn't happen to have a scotch around here by any chance, would she?" "No, but there's my secret sake stash. Here, help yourself." "Thank you." "Why'd you do it, Tenchi?" "Do what?" "Drink so much." Tenchi laughed nervously. "Ah, well, actually I'm new to it and I'm just trying to acquire the taste, you know?" "Don't try and be too clever about things, Tenchi. It's like drinking, you know. Doesn't do any good. Not that that's ever stopped me." "All right, what's the story?" "It's a very old story. She was a crazy galactic princess, very beautiful albeit flat-chested..." "You'd better talk about her. After tonight you may never have another chance. Why are you hiding from her?" "This isn't the first time I've run away, but she always finds me. And now I've come here. A Scottish inn." "And here she is too. Well, so it goes. I'd suggest you take a drink." Ryoko took the sake, gulped some down and smiled. "Definitely better than that blasted tomato juice." "Really? Well, that thing out there is enough to drive anyone to drink." Tenchi looked out of the window. "Good Lord!" Back downstairs, Tenchi opened the door and Washu staggered in. "I hate invisible walls," she said, clutching her bloodied nose. "Not your ordinary force-field, then?" Ryoko sniggered. "Tenchi, give me your handkerchief." They helped Washu to a comfy chair in the lounge bar and Ryoko started to clean the blood off Washu's face while Funaho and the others fussed around. "What does one do about something you can't see?" Tenchi wondered. "I don't know," Washu said, "I honestly don't know." "Hey guys, can you make me a tape of that?" Ryoko shouted. Azusa was waving a katana around. "Well I know. She has a weapon of sorts and so have I." "Azusa!" Funaho said, "You give that thing to me at once. I'll have no-one playing with swords around here, someone might get hurt." "That's the general idea, Mrs. Masaki," Tenchi said. Funaho looked shocked. "So you want to kill her." "We've no choice! Unless..." A strange gleam appeared in Tenchi's eye. "Unless we take her prisoner! And even for that we'll need the sword! It isn't just for us! There's enough destructive power on that ship to wreck the whole country! You'd better let me have that, Mr. Masaki, I'm used to this sort of thing." Ryoko was surprised. "When did you learn to use a sword, Tenchi?" "Well, actually, bokkens are more my thing but it's the same difference, ha-ha... It's kind of ancient, isn't it?" "Well, yes," Azusa said. "To be honest, it's just a rusty old piece of junk." "Oh boy," Tenchi said. "Azusa, go behind that bar, pretend to be busy will you? Washu, stay right here. Mrs. Masaki, Ryoko, I think you'd better go outside." "I shall not leave Azusa," Funaho said. Ryoko had her own plans, too. "And you're not getting rid of me that easily, sweetcakes!" "Alright, if that's the way you want it." Aeka chose that moment to re-appear at the French windows. "My, you're all very quiet in here. No doubt you are resigned to your fate. Professor, I observed your most entertaining encounter with the invisible wall. Today it is you who learn the power of Jurai. Tomorrow it will be the whole world. Oh ho ho ho!" "Will you cut it with the horrible laughter?" Tenchi said, brandishing the katana. "And put up your hands while you're about it." "And why should I put up my hands?" "Because in that outfit I think it would make your bre-OUCH!" (Ryoko had just kicked him in the shin, very hard.) "Jeez! Oh yeah, because if you don't I'll run you through." Aeka walked slowly towards Tenchi, calm confidence and curiosity on her face. "You fool." Tenchi lunged, but the sword's blade twirled itself into a pretty spiral before it could touch her. "Truly, cute but dim," she said. "To imagine you could destroy me with your old-fashioned toy. As a Princess of Jurai I have wealth, beauty and LOTS OF POWER! Come, come you shall see!" Everyone meekly followed her. Kiyone had been listening in on the conversation and now went to the window to look at Ryu-oh. But outside, she saw Sasami and Ryo-Ohki. "Psst! Hey! What do you think you're doing?" "Who are you?" Sasami said. Kiyone realised she ought to do something. She climbed out of the window and scrambled down a convenient tree. "Hang on a minute, kid. It's dangerous out here." "Did you see that spaceship come down? Come on, we've got to find out what's going on here!" Kiyone followed Sasami down the tree. "Now look kid, I'm in enough trouble without looking after you." Sasami looked closely at her. "Oh? What sort of trouble?" "Oh, er, just, you know, trouble." "Are you that renegade Galaxy Police Officer?" "What, who, me, ha-ha? Come on, let's go where we can get a better view of that thing." They found a good hiding place beside a barn, from where they could clearly see the ship. Aeka and the others were approaching it. "Doesn't look like Pixy Misa's work," Ryo-Ohki said. Kiyone grabbed Ryo-Ohki by the throat and snarled. "I didn't hear that. Cabbits don't talk, get it?" "Miyaa." The gang waited near the ship while Aeka pulled the master key from her sleeve. She pressed one of the gems in its pommel. "Now, Earthmen, look! See the power of a princess of Jurai!" Nothing happened. Her grin slowly faded to irritation. She pressed the gem several times. "Damn these cheap batteries. Where's the Energizer Bunny when you need him? Ah, here we go." Azaka and Kamidake appeared, looking like a couple of animated salt shakers. The cursive S and P on their fronts did nothing to dispel the illusion. Aeka pressed another gem and grinned maniacally. A blast of energy shot from Azaka towards a tree, which went foom and disappeared. "Oh ho ho ho! Oh, I love it! Do it again!" Kamidake fired an energy blast at a pickup truck, which went pfwee and vanished. Azusa looked crestfallen. "There goes my no-claims bonus." "Such fun!" Aeka gloated. "Another!" Azaka floated around, looking for a target, then aimed itself in the general direction of Kiyone and Sasami. Sasami yanked Kiyone out of the way moments before the barn was vaporised. "Rats, missed," Aeka said. Kamidake advanced menacingly towards a terrified Washu. She had that "time to dismantle the apparatus" look on her face. Ryoko cheered. "Go for it, Kamidake! Oh my, did I say that out loud?" she said, trying to look innocent. Aeka watched until she was sure that Washu had done something unprintable, then pressed the "off" gem on the master key. She went over to where Sasami, Kiyone and Ryo-Ohki were brushing the dirt off their faces. "Get up!" She looked at Sasami. "What is your name?" Kiyone stepped in the way. "Don't talk to her like that, she's only a kid. Leave her alone." "Mm? That 'kid' has just saved you from becoming a tortilla chip. You should plead for your own life, not for hers; she'll be safe with me." "Who are you?" Kiyone asked. "What's going on? Where do you come from? What's your favourite colour?" "You ask a lot of questions, I will deal with you later. Come, we will return to the ship." "You aren't taking Sasami anywhere." Aeka was royally outraged. "How dare you speak to me like that?" "Just try taking her! You can't play any of your tricks with me!" "No?" Aeka grinned. "Just watch." She put a finger into each end of her own mouth and stretched it, sticking her tongue out. Then she rolled her eyes in opposite directions. Kiyone snapped into a hypnotic trance. "Return to the inn," Aeka commanded. Kiyone complied, zombie-like. "Come," Aeka said to Sasami. "I will show you wonders you have never seen before. You too, furball." Everyone else had returned to the lounge. Tenchi paced around in frustration. "I don't know whether I'm awake or dreaming! My mind won't accept it!" "If only we could get in contact with someone," Washu said. Ryoko looked at the ground. "Those ridiculous pepperpots, that spaceship, that awful woman... she hasn't changed at all. Tenchi, I'm frightened!" She leaped happily into Tenchi's lap. "Don't worry, darling," Tenchi said, "I suppose worse things can happen." Washu was still thinking. "If only we could get inside that spaceship. I wonder..." Ryoko was snuggled up tight with Tenchi, totally oblivious to the world and only aware of two facts: that he had called her "darling", and that he hadn't dumped her on the floor yet. There was an awkward silence which was eventually broken by Azusa. "Psst! Ryoko! RYOKO! Your cue! Oh to hell with it, Mihoshi, you say it." "Er, say what?" Mihoshi asked. "Oh, right... 'Have you any ideas, Washu?'" "Well, I was wondering... What's that?" Aeka charged in. "Having a council of war? You don't mind if I watch, do you? I like a good laugh." Washu clenched her fists and determined to stay calm. "The greatest scientific genius in the universe always seeks to discover the truth, even if her means of doing so are limited." "Bah. It would take you a thousand years to learn a fragment of what we have achieved." Ryoko snorted. Washu put her own ego on hold. "Perhaps not. If I had you for a teacher." Aeka was puzzled. "What do you mean?" "As a scientist, I can only believe the evidence of my own senses. Well, all I know about you is that you can kill. I can do that, actually I'm very good at it given a particle accelerator and a... Ahem. You say that your spaceship is very powerful, we also have powerful machines." "Our machines are much more powerful than yours!" "Are not." "Are too." "Are not!" Aeka growled. "You say you believe the evidence of your senses. Very well then, you shall see. Then perhaps you will realise your helplessness. Come!" Ryoko whispered to Tenchi, "She's really into that 'helplessness' kick, isn't she?" "Goes with the costume," Tenchi replied. Washu looked around the interior of Ryu-oh. Her biggest challenge was to look impressed despite her ego. "Impressive," she lied. "The wall is quite cool. Two hours ago it was white hot." "Only the outside," Aeka said. "That was caused by the friction as we entered the atmosphere of the Earth at over 6,000 symantics. Of course the ship has AM/FM, cassette and air conditioning." Washu concentrated on pumping Aeka's ego. "I see. But how did the outside cool so quickly?" "You really are a dimwit. The entire structure of the ship is made of a new wood. Each cell can absorb its own amount of heat or cold. It could have absorbed all of the heat in a matter of seconds. Fill your eyes, scientist. See such power as you never dreamed existed!" Washu went to the bridge and examined the central tree. Aeka's gloating rose to unbearable levels. "The evidence of your own eyes, Professor. That tree has enough power to drive the ship anywhere in the universe. And enough power to obliterate this speck of matter you call Earth. Oh ho ho ho!" Washu covered her ears. "Go easy on that laugh, will you. What is the power?" "Something you scientists have not yet dreamed of. A form of Jurai energy on a static negative condensity." "Yep, she's been reading the Washuspeak Primer," Washu muttered under her breath. "Hasn't finished the third chapter, either." To Aeka, she asked, "A negative condensity?" "Exactly. Your atomic bomb is positive. It causes the explosion to expand upwards and evaporate. Our force is negative and explodes the Juraian energies into each other, thereby magnifying the power a thousandfold." "And the fuel?" "Nothing special. Just keep it properly watered and give it a little fertiliser occasionally." "Now that's ridiculous!" Aeka bristled. "Just because your puny science can't do it doesn't mean it's impossible! Even such simple inventions as radios and automatic nose hair trimmers you would have considered impossible a hundred years ago. Hmmf. Now we shall return to the others." Ryoko closed the curtains over the French windows, then stood lookout, peering through the gap. "Do you think it'll work?" she asked. Tenchi was messing around with some wire. "Azusa, kill that switch. We've tried swords. Let me have that knife." He connected the wire between the light switch and the handle of the French windows. "What happens if Washu comes first?" Ryoko asked. "Then it's fried Washu for supper. I must stand by that switch. Let me know who comes first, right?" "Gotcha," Ryoko said. "They're coming! Washu's first!" "Are you sure?" "Yes! No, no, rats, they've changed places." She jumped away from the curtains. "Now, Tenchi, now!" Tenchi threw the switch. There was a lot of snap-crackle-pop reminiscent of an old "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea" episode, then Aeka barged through the doorway. "Whoo-hoo, that tickles! Okay, you fools, fun time's over. Don't you know that we're not supposed to start the kinky stuff until we get back to Jurai? Now you must cease your stupid tricks or I will destroy the girl. And the cabbit gets it too. Oh-ho-ho!" Ryoko looked perplexed. "Girl? Funaho, what's she talking about?" "Surely you haven't..." Funaho ran into the kitchen, much to Azusa's astonishment since it was the first time he'd ever seen her move faster than a slow walk. Aeka continued. "Sasami is safe, so far. Well, you have seen some of my power, perhaps this will help to show the others." Aeka's outline started to blur, then to fade away. "It can't be!" Washu cried. "You still doubt?" Aeka said. "I'm so powerful I can even control the camera lens!" Then she faded away entirely. "Thank God she's gone," Ryoko said. "How'd she get Sasami?" Tenchi wondered. Funaho returned, completely distraught. "Sasami's not there." Tenchi suddenly stood, dumping Ryoko on the floor, and headed for the French windows. "We've done enough talking, Ryoko." Ryoko tried to stop him but he was relentless. As Tenchi disappeared into the distance, Ryoko for once turned to her mother for support. "Washu, what's it like in there? Will he come out alive? Will he come out at all? Will he... will he come back with his chastity intact?" Aeka emerged from Ryu-oh to meet Tenchi. "And what is it that you want?" "You've taken Sasami." "So?" "Why did you take her?" "She is a young creature. Her mind is free from your stupid emotions and fears. If I take her, she will make a willing subject." "But she's a girl, you idiot!" "Eh? Oh! Oops..." "Tell you what. Why not exchange her for someone - ahem - more suited to your purposes?" "Ah-ha. And who, pray tell, did you have in mind?" Tenchi fiddled with his fingers. "Well, er, me, actually. Release Sasami and I'll follow you willingly. Do what you like, I'll take the worst you can give out! Whips, chains, candle wax..." He had to stop because his nose was bleeding again. "Hmm, interesting. I will accept your deal, Earth man, on one condition." "Y-yes?" "I keep the cabbit. Ryu-oh needs a new mirror ornament." "Done." In the lounge bar, everyone was going frantic. "But I must go back!" Washu exclaimed. "I can't leave Tenchi alone with that woman!" "Isn't that my line?" Ryoko said. "Anyway, either Tenchi achieves what he's set out to do, or he's... he's past any help from us." Funaho was beside herself. "Poor little Sasami, I'll never forgive myself." "Don't blame yourself," Azusa said. "If that devil wanted to take her there's nothing any of us could do to stop her." "How will I ever face Misaki with the life of her daughter on my conscience? She'll string me up by the thumbs and... ooh..." Washu's ears pricked up. "There's someone outside!" "She's back!" Mihoshi bawled. "She's going to kill us all!" The curtains rustled, then Sasami fell out of them. "Yoy, I thought I was stuck there for good." Funaho ran over, picked Sasami up, smacked her on the noggin, then brought her across to the others. Washu began the interrogation. "Tell me, Sasami, what happened?" "I wanted to see the spaceship, so I went out. Then this weird lady came down from the attic window and joined me." Mihoshi gulped and ran out of the room. "Well, I wonder what's got into her?" Azusa mused. "Go on, Sasami, go on." "Then we went across to the barn and we saw a giant pepperpot come towards us, so we ran away, then we met the SM queen. It was fun. And then she took me back with her, to the spaceship, but she didn't do anything to me. I waited for a long time, then she came and told me to come back." Ryoko was worried. "Sasami, Sasami, did you see a tall, dark man in there?" "No, there was nobody there." "Azusa, take her upstairs," Funaho said. "Ryoko, come and help me put her to bed. Thank heaven she's safe back with us." Kiyone was sitting motionless in a corner when Mihoshi burst in. "Kiyone, Kiyone are you alright? What were you doing in the garden?" Kiyone responded in a robotic monotone. "Stupid woman, running like a frightened cabbit in the night." "What's the matter, Kiyone? You're talking all funny!" "We are all the slaves of a great and powerful civilisation. Let us prepare for our dominatrix." "Oh, don't be silly, Kiyone. I thought you'd gone away." "Go. There is not much time." Mihoshi started to blubber. "Don't you like me any more, Kiyone?" "Go." "Thank goodness for that," Azusa said. "What do you suppose has happened to Tenchi?" "I don't know," Washu said. Ryoko's voice roared down from upstairs. "Hey guys, put that one on the tape for me too!" "I'll deal with her afterwards," Washu said. "Now where was I... Oh yes. 'Still, if she let the child go...'" Tenchi entered through the curtains. "Where's Ryoko?" "She's upstairs with Sasami," Azusa said. Washu peered into Tenchi's eyes. "Tenchi, what happened out there?" "I've got to say goodbye to Ryoko first and then I'll tell you." Mihoshi entered, crying a flood. "Tenchi, it's Kiyone! She's upstairs!" Azusa was nonplussed. "But I thought she was miles away." "No, she didn't go, she came back, she came back to see me. But she's talking all funny and I don't think she likes me any more. Quick, Tenchi, come upstairs!" "That's probably the best offer he's had all year," Azusa muttered. Tenchi stopped at the foot of the stairs. "You stay here." "But Tenchi..." Mihoshi bawled. "Stay. Good girl." Mihoshi went back to the lounge while Tenchi cautiously ascended. Just before he reached the attic door, it burst open and Kiyone jumped on him. They struggled and rolled all over the floor. Tenchi wasn't entirely sure whether he was defending his life or his innocence. Finally they rolled down the stairs. Kiyone banged her head on the wall and was knocked unconscious with Tenchi sprawled on top of her, right in front of Mihoshi. "Oh my, Tenchi!" Mihoshi said. "Does Ryoko know you're into the rough stuff?" Tenchi rubbed his head. "Actually she hit me so hard and fast that I thought she was Ryoko." Tenchi carried Kiyone into the lounge and plonked her on one of the dining chairs, then tied her up. Ryoko watched, fascinated. "Into bondage, hmm? Must make a note of that for future reference." Funaho entered. "What's all the noise? Oh my goodness... if you're going to do that you should have asked to borrow Azusa's leather cuff collection!" "Will you all cut that out?" Tenchi said. "It's Kiyone." "So she didn't get away." Funaho noticed Mihoshi sobbing. "What's got into you, Mihoshi? Did you know she was up there?" "Yes, yes I helped her to hide." "What?" Tenchi said. Funaho was appalled. "Tenchi says she's a murderer. Now what could a girl like that be to you?" "Funaho!" Ryoko called. "It really isn't any of our business and we have other things to think about. Tenchi, Washu, what's it like in there?" Tenchi was trying to find an opportunity to speak. "Well, Ryoko -" Washu interrupted. "That spaceship must be destroyed! I can't let Jurai get away with inventing something that I couldn't make." "Destroyed!" Azusa exclaimed. "But how? Professor, what did you see in there?" "I saw the source of power, mighty enough to take the ship here from Jurai and back again." "This source of power, it's small?" Tenchi asked. "Well, actually, it's a tree..." "I knew it," Funaho said, and whacked herself on the forehead. Washu continued. "A little weed killer applied to the tree might release all that energy in the form of a massive explosion. The right kind of weed killer delivered by the right person! Given the right opportunity." Ryoko gasped. "But that would be suicide, certain death to whoever applied it!" Tenchi summoned his best heroic expression. "One life in exchange for millions. Yes." "Washu," Ryoko continued, "what are you trying to say to Tenchi? What is it that I don't know?" At that moment Aeka burst in. "It's time." Ryoko scowled. "And here comes the princess." Tenchi looked down. "Ryoko, I've got to go now." "With her? Why?" Aeka gloated. "Because I promised to show him a good time. He is returning with me to Jurai, of his own free will, where we will do all kinds of unspeakable things! Oh ho ho ho!" Ryoko could not believe her ears. "Tenchi!" Aeka grinned evilly at Ryoko. "Why do you weep?" "Because I love him!" Tenchi and Ryoko embraced and indulged in a long, deep kiss. As the seconds extended into minutes, Aeka started to get impatient. She stamped her foot. "Oy! Hey, excuse me... Tenchi... I say... WILL YOU TWO CUT IT OUT AND REMEMBER WHO'S IN CONTROL AROUND HERE?" Tenchi and Ryoko eventually separated, and Tenchi followed Aeka back to Ryu-oh. Ryoko brushed away tears. "Washu, I don't understand. What was she saying? What bargain has she made with him?" "Can't you guess, Ryoko? The bargain was over Sasami." "You mean he swapped me for the snooty princess just because of that little brat? Sasami! Just wait till I get my hands on you! I'll show you how to make pretzels!" Aeka stopped a little distance from Ryu-oh. "You made your bargain, do not regret it." Tenchi was too busy studying her tight leather skirt. "I'm not regretting it." "It is better for you and your people to know how helpless they are. Nothing can resist my power!" Aeka produced the master key again, but Tenchi grabbed it from her. In moments Azaka and Kamidake were chasing him all over the place, shooting energy blasts near his feet. Aeka watched with growing fascination. "Oh my, how quickly he runs," she said with a blush. Eventually Tenchi tripped. Azaka and Kamidake sat on him while Aeka took the master key out of his hand. "That was the last trick, Earth man." They returned to the inn. Ryoko hugged Tenchi. Aeka scowled. "He tried to gain control of Azaka and Kamidake. Because of his trickery, you will all die. Especially you, Ryoko, oh ho ho ho... ahem. Do you hear, Tenchi? You have brought death on all in this room! In a few minutes, as you calculate time, Ryu-oh will have repaired itself. When I leave, this house, and everyone in it, will be destroyed!" "Take me with you," Washu said. "Another trick? Why should I take you?" Washu thought fast. "Because you're going to need a guide when you get to London." "A guide?" "What does she think this is, dictation?" Washu muttered. She coughed. "In spite of your great knowledge, many things there will be strange to you. Have you ever tried reading a map of the London Underground?" Aeka looked confused. "Why should I take you?" "Since you've been here last, I've been thinking deeply." "Bet that hurt," Ryoko muttered. Washu kicked her. "It is only right that Jurai, with its (ahem) superior knowledge, should triumph over Earth." "Jurai will triumph over all!" "I'm a scientist. Take me with you. Let me share in that triumph!" Ryoko exploded. "Washu, you conniving ratbag! You said you..." "Never mind what I said a moment ago, I've changed my mind. Why should I die? I'm willing to go with you on one condition." Aeka tapped her foot. "Well?" "That you... spare the others." "What, and rob me of my fun? No way! But it is true that I know little of this 'London Underground' of which you speak. I will take... one of you. The rest will die." "Then, you will take me?" "Mm, whatever. Three times already during this Earth night you have tried to trick me. It will not happen again. No-one will enter Ryu-oh until it is ready. I will return soon. One of you will come with me. The rest... will die." Aeka departed. Ryoko had Washu in a hammerlock. "Washu, you scumbag, I can't believe..." "Gurk! Easy, Ryoko! You really thought that I was trying to save my own skin? It's nice to know you think so highly of your own mother." Tenchi frowned. "You had me fooled, you sounded sincere enough." "I am sincere. I am sincere about my efforts to try and get on board that ship. Do you realise that soon it'll be on its way to paralyze London and we're..." "What's to be done?" Funaho asked. "Whoever gets on board that ship must try to destroy it." "So, erm, who's going to do it?" Mihoshi asked. "We've very little time left to decide that. I've one little job left to do. If we can't save ourselves, perhaps we can save others. I'm going to write down what has happened." "This isn't an H. P. Lovecraft story, you know," Tenchi said. "Anyway, what little I have learned may help the authorities while there is yet time. I'll go to my room and try to write it down as simply as I can." "That's it, the Earth is doomed," Ryoko said. Tenchi and Ryoko had opted to spend a little time in private. "I'm 5,040 years old, Tenchi. In all those millenia I haven't done a single thing I've really wanted to do." "And what would you do if you could start all over again?" "Spend more time in the country. Find the right man. Get drunk." "Ryoko, those things you said downstairs..." "You must have thought me an awful fool." "No, Ryoko. Why did you say them?" "I don't know how to say it... I felt I'd found the right man at last, and I was going to lose him." "Ryoko, did you... did you really mean..." "Yes, Tenchi, yes!" The fell into each other's arms and had another really long snog. Tenchi broke first, to look into Ryoko's eyes. "Oh, I'd have made a no-good husband. I'm not particularly fond of the country. Except carrot patches, that is, I quite like those. Then as for -" "Tenchi, you'd have made me very happy. Why didn't we meet years ago?" "This business of people meeting and falling in love... you know if that thing hadn't landed out there, we'd still have met. We'd have been indifferent to each other. You might have tried to blow up my school or something." "Tenchi -" They kissed again, but this time Tenchi broke off almost straight away. "No, let's go downstairs and join the natives." Ryoko sighed. "Berk." Mihoshi knelt next to the still-tied-up Kiyone, who was slowly recovering consciousness. "What hit me, that woman?" "Never mind about that now, Kiyone, she must have, um, hypnotised you or something. Then Tenchi came upstairs and you had a fight." "These ropes... who tied me up?" "He did. He thought you might..." "I see. You know, I never judged him to be that type." Tenchi entered from the kitchen. "So you've recovered, have you? Remember what happened?" Kiyone looked up groggily. "Sort of." Funaho was carrying a tea service. "Nothing like a good cup of tea in a crisis." "Blech," Ryoko said. "How's the brat, Mrs. Masaki?" "I've just been up to her, she's sleeping in my room tonight, she's sound asleep." Ryoko grinned. She was hiding an enormous mallet behind her back. Washu snatched it away from her. "We must all be prepared for Aeka's return. One of us must be inside that spaceship before it takes off. If one of us is not inside it, we may all die within seconds of its taking off. Or she may kill us before it leaves at all. Either way we all die. Or, one of us dies so that the others may be saved. Then again, some of us may die and some not, or perhaps it'll just hurt a lot and none of us will die." "Did any of you understand that?" Tenchi asked. "Nope, not at all," they chorused. Washu sighed. "As I've explained, I'm the logical choice." "No," Azusa said. "Azusa!" Funaho cried, astonished. "It's alright dear, I'm just a useless old man." "You can say that again," Funaho muttered. Tenchi silenced them. "This whole argument is ridiculous, there's only one logical person to go, me. I made a bargain, remember?" Ryoko glowered. "Tenchi, you..." "I'm really not a very nice person," Tenchi said. No-one said anything; Tenchi looked a bit miffed. "Hasn't it ever occurred to you that I might have an ulterior motive for going, some selfish reasons?" Ryoko was appalled. "Selfish reasons? You don't mean you actually want to..." "Yes, the person who goes on that spaceship is under no compulsion to wreck it! He can go to Jurai and have a good time with the kinky princess!" Washu was outraged. "You wouldn't!" "Wouldn't I? Well the best thing to do is wait and see, isn't it." Washu was decisive. "We're wasting time. If we can't decide who is to go, then we must introduce an uncontrollable random factor to determine the outcome of the situation." "Eh?" Washu sighed. "We draw lots." Azusa cleared some space on the bar. "Here's some cards." "I'll take them," Tenchi said. "Now, highest goes. Washu, you first." She drew a card. "Ten of carrots. What kind of deck is this, anyway?" Azusa reached for his card. "I think it belongs to Sasami, actually. Now what have we here... The three of chopsticks?" Tenchi was last to draw. "King of noodles. I go." "Wasn't that appropriate?" Ryoko said. Washu began Tenchi's final briefing. "Now there's very little time to lose. You've got to work as fast as you can. Listen, take this weed killer and make sure she doesn't see it. Then it's up to yourself." Tenchi stuffed the packet into his pants. "I understand." "For the rest of us, have you got a cellar, Mr. Masaki?" "There's one below this very room." Washu considered. "Well, it mightn't afford much protection, but it might be the best we have under the circumstances. Right, now. Come on." Ryoko put her arms around Tenchi. "Is that weed killer in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?" As everyone headed for the cellar, Mihoshi spoke up. "But Kiyone, what about Kiyone?" "We'll bring her down after," Tenchi said. "Come on, Ryoko." "Mihoshi, you must come," Funaho said. "Be with you in a minute!" Mihoshi once again attached herself to Kiyone's leg, to Kiyone's even greater than usual dismay since in her tied-up state she couldn't do anything about it. "Kiyone, we're all going to die!" "Perhaps, Mihoshi. Perhaps we are." Under her breath, she added, "Though it might be a relief." "But I'm scared. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before." "You don't say." "But why did it happen to us?" "Well, it could be because it had to happen sometime, somewhere, because we're not alone in this universe. Or it could be because I'm the Galaxy Police detective who happened to draw the galaxy's biggest bad luck magnet as my partner!" "Oh. Will she... will she really kill us?" "Maybe not. That would be too much for me to hope for." "She said she..." "She probably didn't mean it. People have to have a reason for killing." "Did you have a reason?" "Yeah. Too bad it was the wrong woman." "Oh. But I thought you said your yo-yo string broke?" Kiyone sighed. "I'm just realising what a fool I've been all my life." "Oh, Kiyone!" "Mihoshi!" Mihoshi embraced and kissed Kiyone. It took a few moments for full realisation to dawn on Kiyone, but then she yanked her head to one side and screamed. "My God, what did we just do! This isn't that kind of show! Besides, I hate your guts, remember! I meant I was a fool for not killing you years ago!" "Kiyone? You... you really mean that? Oh. Well, I guess I've got to go and hide with the others. See you!" "Hey, Mihoshi you brain-dead airbag, you can't just leave me tied up like this! Oy! Mihoshi! Look, I'm sorry for what I said, just untie me, will you! Untie me and... and... and I'll take you on that long vacation somewhere, just the two of us! Mihoshi!" Mihoshi stopped and turned, wiping away a tear. "Oh, do you really mean that, Kiyone? I knew you loved me really!" Aeka appeared at the French window. Looking around she spied Kiyone tied to the chair. She raised an eyebrow, then turned to Mihoshi. "So you are coming." Mihoshi pointed at herself. "Who, me?" "Where are the others?" "Um, they're all hiding in the OW!" Somehow, Kiyone had overturned her chair and managed to butt Mihoshi on the shin. "They're afraid, so of course they're hiding. Ooh, my head." Aeka smiled. "Of course, it does not matter." She turned back to Mihoshi. "Do you go with me of your own free will?" "Of my... erm, could you run that by me again?" "For goodness sake just say yes, Mihoshi!" Kiyone yelled. "Oh, okay." Aeka and Mihoshi both left, a moment before Tenchi emerged from the cellar. Ryoko followed him. "Tenchi, Tenchi!" "Later, Ryoko, I've got to get Kiyone." "Tenchi, please!" Then they saw the open French windows and Mihoshi following Aeka to the ship. "Give her a chance, Tenchi!" Kiyone said. "Give her a chance!" Mihoshi waved a last farewell as the force-bubble carried her and Aeka into Ryu-oh. The ship took off. Ryoko had untied Kiyone. Tenchi suddenly realised that everyone else had joined them and were all watching. "Hey, you get back into the cellar!" he yelled over the fading whine of Ryu-oh's engines. "Ah, screw it," Washu said. "You think hiding in the cellar would protect us against ground zero of an atomic blast? At least here I can get the results of what may be my final experiment." Far in the distance, aboard Ryu-oh... "Oh wow, this is interesting, it looks like..." "What? That is not for you to see. Stay away from there!" "Um, what does this button do?" "No, don't! You idiot, that was the..." As Ryu-oh erupted in a blinding flash of energy, Ryoko and Kiyone simultaneously shouted one word: "Alright!" "Drinks on the house!" said Azusa. The End ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Notes from Yuggoth Could this possibly be the first time anyone's Tenchified a '50s B movie? If not I'd love to hear about prior efforts. Anyway, this piece of trash seemed like a good idea at the time, and it took a lot of work to make, so I'd like to know whether it was worth the effort. If folks find it entertaining I'll consider additional projects. Heaven knows there are enough B movies out there, and I reckon it's time for a change from those endless and frequently boring MSTings that everyone and their dogs seem to be churning out. This wasn't an difficult project, but it was surprisingly time-consuming. Casting was tricky. Originally I had Ryoko as the Devil Girl (for obvious reasons), Mihoshi as the escaped convict, and Nobuyuki and Achika as the innkeepers, but they didn't quite fit the roles. But a few re-arrangements, including a change to the ending, and the Tenchi cast seemed to fall into their new roles fairly naturally, although the convict and the professor had to undergo a sex change. Do the characterisations work? Should I have left the villain wearing that black leather outfit, a cross between Darth Vader and Emma Peel? Can you imagine the Tenchi cast saying these things? Can you watch the original movie and have a chuckle at the thought of Ryoko drinking a tomato juice? Much harder was having to choose just how much Tenchification to do. Was it a good idea to leave the setting in Invernesshire, or should I have moved the whole thing to Okayama? Was replacing that whacky flying saucer with Ryu-oh a good idea? What about Chani (pronounced Johnny) the Walking Toaster being replaced by Azaka and Kamidake? Or the conversion of Nyah's universal remote (which looked like a gulpster with 3 drinking straws sticking out of the end) with the Tenchiken, complete with gem-like push buttons? I don't know. The bad special effects raised a good laugh in the movie itself, but trying to describe them in prose just didn't seem to work. Then the cuts. The inexplicable "exploding aircraft" scene from the beginning of the movie: should I have left that in? Have I chopped too much dialog? Should there have been more new dialog? Is it easy to tell who is saying what? Or maybe I've been too explicit about it? Prose. Hmm, yes. This was originally written as a script, as befits a movie. Shortly after completing the first draft, I was reading a fanfic in script form and realised that it's a terrible way to tell a story. It's a great way to describe a play for the people who are going to be working in and on it, but it seems there's a very good reason why the shelves of bookstores aren't bulging over with bestsellers written in the script format. Whatever. Let me know what you think of this thing. Did it work? Did you get a laugh from it, or did it fall flat? Did I change too much, or too little? I'd also be grateful if you would state whether you've seen the movie, too. And please, don't be afraid to use the flamethrower. I may sulk for a while but I'll live and the criticism will be appreciated. Bob Cannard, 6 November 1998 3rd revision: 14 December 1998 mailto:bobtmigo@teleport.com