AnimeBowl is brought to you by:
The Anime Football League,
"LIE."  Because "TRUTH," sucks.  And...
"Banco de Daventry,"  Where your money...is now *their* money.

Tenchi Muyo and El Hazard are owned by AIC and Pioneer LDC.  Mills Lane
belongs to himself, but I don't think he'd mind refereeing an AnimeBowl.

This is a work of stupidity.  Please don't take it seriously.





Anime Bowl I

(AFL theme music plays.  Lights come on in announcers' booth.)
TOM:  Hello, and welcome to Anime Bowl One, here in Roshtaria Stadium in
downtown Florishtica!  I'm Tom Doscher.
GRANT:  And I'm Grant Goldenstar.   It's gonna be one helluva game
tonight as the two highest ranking anime football teams go at it!
TOM:  That's right, Grant.  Both teams have been waiting for this day
since preseason started.  The El Hazard Wanderers versus the Tenchi
Triple "P!"
GRANT:  "Triple P?"
TOM:  (Puts hand over mike.)  Pirates, Princesses, and Police.
GRANT:  Oh.
TOM:  And it looks like referee Mills Lane is ready to start the game.
GRANT:  I thought Mills Lane refereed boxing?
TOM:  He does, but he's the author's favorite referee.
GRANT:  (Nods in acceptance.)

	Down on the field, Mills lane addressed both Makoto Mizuhara and Tenchi
Masaki, standing across from each other in football uniforms.  "Okay,
I've explained the rules to you both.  I want a nice clean game.  Obey
my commands at all times.  Let's get it on!"
	The Wanderers prepared to kick off.  Fujisawa ran up and kicked the
ball with a rousing, "HYPER FUJISAWA KICK!"  The ball gracefully sailed
into the stratosphere.

TOM:  (looking up into the sky.)  And it looks like the Triple P will
get the ball on the twenty.

	Tenchi knelt in front of Mihoshi.  "Set, HIKE!"  

TOM:  Tenchi back to pass!

	Tenchi looked for an opening.  He saw Ayeka down field.
	"Tenchi!  Over here!  I'm open!"
	He gritted his teeth and threw the ball right into Ayeka's arms.  She
looked up and shrieked as Shayla Shayla, Afura Mann, and Mr. Fujisawa
plowed into her.  Tenchi winced in sympathy.

GRANT:  Ouch!  Someone get that woman a tylenol!
TOM:  You know Coach Washu doesn't like that!

	Coach Washu slammed her clipboard to the ground.  "You've got to be
fu(beep) kidding me!"
	Standing next to her in cheerleader outfits, Sasami and Tsunami looked
on worriedly.
	Shayla stood up and dusted herself off.  She looked down at a stunned
Ayeka and said, "Welcome to Roshtaria."

GRANT:  Yeah, Washu's been pretty severe about the game ever since her
Science Academy team lost the Jurai Bowl twenty thousand years ago.
TOM:  But it seems that nailing Ayeka still isn't enough for Coach
Fatora.

	Fatora cupped her hands around her mouth.  "Get a wiggle on,
goddammit!  They gained three yards!"
	Standing next to her in cheerleader outfits, Miz and Alielle cheered on
their favorites.
	"Masamichi!  Masamichi! He's our man!  If he can't do it, no one can!"
	"Shayla!  Shayla!  She's our..."

TOM:  I'm told the Wanderers *asked* for a dragon lady like Fatora to
coach them.  Said it would help motivate them.
GRANT:  One thing's for sure.  We know which side the cheerleaders are
on.

	Tenchi took a breath.  "Set!  HIKE!"  He caught the ball and dropped
back.  "Ryoko!"  Ryoko flew ten feet into the air as Tenchi threw the
ball.  She caught the ball expertly, dropped to the ground,  and started
running down field.

TOM:  OH MY GOD!  NO ONE CAN STOP HER.  SHE-MIGHT-GO-ALL-THE-WAY!!!

	Afura turned to Shayla.  "Shayla!  Do something!
	"No prob!"  She reached out and grabbed Tenchi by the front of his
shirt.  "Hey!  Ryoko!"  she called out.  She saw Ryoko turn her head
back as she ran.  Shayla pulled Tenchi's helmet off and kissed him. 
When they separated, Shayla grinned.  "What do you think of *that?*"
	Tenchi stammered.  "Wha...what are you doing after the game?"
	"Huh?"
	Suddenly, Ryoko slammed into her like a speeding truck.

TOM:  Huh?  Wait!  Where's the ball?
GRANT:  SHE DROPPED IT BEFORE HITTING SHAYLA!  IT'S A FUMBLE!

	Fujisawa picked up the ball and started running, flicking away his
burning cigarette as he went.  Mihoshi stood in his way.
	"Stop!  In the name of the Galaxy Pol...AHHHHHHHHHHH!"
	Mihoshi tried to tackle him, but could only hang onto his back as he
ran.
	
TOM:  I don't believe it!  Mihoshi's riding him like a bull!
GRANT:  (laughs)  You know Miz doesn't like that!  (From below, they
hear Miz shout.)
MIZ:  Get off my husband, you slut!  (Tom and Grant laugh.)

	"I order you to stop!"  Mihoshi cried as she hung onto Fujisawa's back.
	Fujisawa panted as he ran for the goal line.  Kiyone ran up alongside
him and dived in front of his legs, tripping him.

TOM:  Ouch!  It looks Kiyone put an end to *that* play, right now!
GRANT:  It may not be enough, Tom.  Fujisawa went down on the five yard
line.  It's going to take some major defense to stop them now.

	Kiyone knelt in front of Afura on the scrimmage line.  "You're in *my*
backyard, now, Dorothy!"  she growled.
	Afura's eyes went wide.  "Huh?"
	"HIKE!"
	Kiyone roughly shoved Afura out of the way and charged Makoto.  Makoto
saw the GP approaching and cried out.  The entire crowd of spectators in
the stands groaned in sympathy as Kiyone slammed into Makoto.

TOM:  Oooh!  
GRANT:  I think she killed him!
TOM:  Count on Kiyone to get things done!
GRANT:  Well, while they peel Makoto off the the turf, let's talk about
an earlier play of the game.  Tom, I noticed that Ryoko flew into the
air to catch the ball, but then *ran* the rest of the way.  Why didn't
she just fly to the endzone?
TOM:  Well, Grant, I'm told that both teams have agreed on certain
rules.  One of those rules is that their flying team members, Ryoko and
Afura Mann, can fly to catch a ball in play, but can't just fly it down
field.
GRANT:  That seems fair.
TOM:  And it looks like Makoto is okay.
GRANT:  I wonder what Mills Lane will say about that play.

	Mills Lane, on the sidelines talking to a smiling Tsunami, suddenly
realized he was on camera.  "Uhh....I'll allow it!"  The crowd cheered.
	"Set!  HIKE!"  Makoto dropped back and searched for an open player.  He
saw Kiyone charging him again and screeched, throwing the ball in the
air...
	...Which was deftly caught by Afura Mann in mid-flight...
	...Who was struck by Ryoko barely a second later...
	...Who both fell to the ground with a "thwump,"  inside the endzone.
	Mills Lane raised his hands into the air and blew the whistle.

TOM:  TOUCHDOWN, WANDERERS!

	The crowd went wild.
	Coach Washu picked up a cooler full of Gatorade and threw it against
the wall.  Tsunami and Sasami tried to calm her down.

TOM:  And El Hazard is sending out their kicker.

	Nanami ran out onto the field and took her position.  "HIKE!"  She ran
up to Makoto, who was holding the ball and kicked.  The ball sailed into
the air.

GRANT:  Beautiful!  It looks good!
TOM:  Don't count on it...

	Ryoko flew up and caught the ball before it could reach the uprights. 
She somersaulted over both teams, landing gracefully on the other side. 
She started to run.
	Shayla looked for Tenchi, but found Ayeka rushing him off field. 
"Dammit!"  She started running after Ryoko.
	Ryoko looked behind her and saw Shayla gaining.  She shot off and
energy blast, which Shayla jumped over.
	"MULTI-FIREBALLS!"  Ryoko ducked under the hail of baseball-sized
fireballs.
	Ryoko came to a stop inside the endzone and spiked the ball.

TOM:  I do not believe it!  Ryoko has managed to even up the entire
game!
GRANT:  It's too bad Iphurita isn't here.  I'm sure she would've made
short work of Ryoko.
TOM:  Well, now what?  Do you think they'll kick and risk an Afura Mann
interception, or go for the two point conversion?
GRANT:  (looked down at the field.)  It looks like they're going for the
conversion.

	"Set!  HIKE!"  Tenchi dropped back and searched for someone to throw
to.  Seeing no one open, he ran for the endzone himself.  Suddenly,
someone knocked into him from his right.  He hit the ground and shook
his head, opening his eyes.  He saw Shayla lying on top of him.
	"Call me," she said, and winked.
	Tenchi blinked.

TOM:  Well, so much for the extra two.
GRANT:  Mills Lane is blowing the whistle, ending the half.  The score
is six-six.
TOM:  And for the half-time show, we have the T&G Dancers.  (The Tom and
Grant Dance Squad is now on the field, dancing to an old Duran Duran
tune.)
GRANT:  Well, so far this has been an exciting game.  Now, it's time for
our special guest, Katsuhito Masaki.
KATSUHITO:  Thank you, Mr. Goldenstar.
TOM:  So, Lord Katsuhito, what's your opinion on the Triple P's
performance so far?
KATSUHITO:  Hmmm.  They're holding their own for now, but I predict
they'll blow it in the fourth quarter.
GRANT:  Ouch.
TOM:  We've seen some exciting plays today.  The sudden turnaround when
Shayla kissed Tenchi I think will end up being the turning point in the
game.
KATSUHITO:  Hmm.  Yes, Ryoko has always had a weakness when it comes to
Tenchi.
GRANT:  Lucky for them that Shayla has a similar weakness when it comes
to Makoto.
TOM:  I don't know, Grant, it seems that the old Masaki charm is
beginning to have its effect on Shayla Shayla.
GRANT:  What about the teams' quarterbacks?  How do you think they're
faring?
KATSUHITO:  They're pretty evenly matched.  (Mutters under his breath.) 
They both throw like girls.
TOM:  Right.  Now, then, one of the surprises in this game is the
totally viscious do or die attitude from number twenty-three, Kiyone
Makibi.
GRANT:  What is with her, anyway?  She ran right over the top of Afura
Mann, nearly killed Mizuhara twice, and I'm not sure that that take down
of Fujisawa in the first quarter was legal.
TOM:  Well, Grant, I've just been informed by our people downstairs that
Kiyone played for the Galaxy Police Academy's football team, and led
them to the Jurai Bowl.
GRANT:  Wow!  The Triple P has a ringer!
TOM:  It would seem so.  (Katsuhito nods sagely.)  Lord Katsuhito, you
know Coach Washu.  What words of wisdom do you think she's conveying to
her team right now in the locker room?
KATSUHITO:  Right now, she's reaming Ryoko out for that fumble.  I'm
sure she's also warning Tenchi to stay away from Shayla Shayla, she
could be the element that unglues this team.
GRANT:  Well, that's the end of halftime.  The players are coming back
onto the field for the kickoff.

	Ayeka ran up and kicked the ball which was caught by Shayla Shayla. 
She started downfield.  Her eyes went wide when she saw Kiyone rushing
towards her.
	"AHHHHHHHHHH!"
	"DIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!"
	Kiyone reached out and clotheslined Shayla.  The fire priestess hit the
ground with a grunt.
	Kiyone looked down at her and grinned.  "I'd stay down if I were you,
Red."
	
TOM:  Damn.  
GRANT:  She's really taking this game seriously.
TOM:  I wonder what Mills Lane is going to say about that.

	Mills Lane walked onto the field.  "Unneccesary roughness.  Number
twenty-three on the defense."  Kiyone threw her hands up in disgust. 
Washu threw her hat to the ground and began jumping up and down on it. 
"Ten yard penalty.  First down."

TOM:  And it looks like Mills has had enough of Kiyone's rough housing.
GRANT:  Say it ain't so, Kiyone!  Say it ain't so!
TOM:  What the hell?!  (looks off camera.)  There seems to be a
distubance of some kind down at the other end of the field.
GRANT:  (squints)  What are those, roaches?
JINNAI:  (laughs maniacally from the stands.)  THIS ANIMEBOWL IS NOW
MINE!!!  (more laughter)  FINALLY, EL HAZARD WILL KNOW THE GREATNESS OF
KATSUHIKO JINNAI'S PURE EVIL GENIUS!
TOM:  Uh-oh. 
GRANT:  And the good times just keep on rolling as the stadium is being
overrun by Bugrom!  (screaming can be heard from the stands as
spectators try to get away.)
JINNAI:  YOUR ASS IS MINE, MIZUHARA!

	Makoto looked up and shook his head.  "Jeez, doesn't he *ever* give it
a rest?"
	"What should we do?"  Mihoshi asked in fright.
	"Let's show 'em what unneccesary roughness *really* looks like!" 
Kiyone piped up, drawing her GP sidearm from under her jersey.
	"Now, you're talking!"  Shayla replied, powering up her elemental lamp.
	Together, both teams advanced on the Bugrom.

TOM:  I do not believe it, folks!  This AnimeBowl has turned into a
Scotland/Brazil World Cup soccer riot!
GRANT:  Whatever happened to sportsmanship?  (ducks as a piece of Bugrom
arm splatters against the outside of the window.)
TOM:  It was replaced by the inexorable need for violence.
GRANT:  Oh, well I can live with that.  (fire alarms go off.)
TOM:  It appears Shayla and Ryoko are burning the place down.
GRANT:  That's nothing!  Mr. Fujisawa has pulled the uprights out of the
ground, and he's waving them around like a club!
TOM:  Ooh!  Where?!  (Grant points downfield)  Cool!  It also appears
that Coach Washu has pulled a time-space rending tachyon rifle from out
of a subspace pocket.  
GRANT:  At least she has a chance to vent some of that anger.  (an
explosion from the Triple P side of the field lights up  the stadium.)
TOM:  Now *that's* firepower!
GRANT:  Well, no uprights, Miz has flooded the Wanderers' endzone, half
the place is in flames, and I think Shayla and Tenchi left early if you
know what I mean.
TOM:  I don't see how the game can go on.
GRANT:  What?!  End with a tie?
TOM:  Why not?
GRANT:  It's....it's....just not American.
TOM:  Lucky for us this is an "Anime" Bowl.  It doesn't have to be
American.
GRANT:  Good point.  Well, ladies and gentlemen, it looks like that's it
for AnimeBowl One.  The final score:  six to six with no clear winner. 
(another explosion rocks the stadium.)
TOM:  Thanks for watching.  Grant, I think we should get the hell out of
here before this place burns to the ground.
GRANT:  Agreed.  (both leave the announcers' booth just as a dead Bugrom
is thrown through the window.  AFL theme music plays.)

	
Author's Notes:

I did this just for the pure hell of it.  Usually I write serious fan
fics.  I just wanted to write a stupid, pointless comedy, and what's
more pointless than the NFL?  If it didn't make you laugh, I hope it at
least made you smile a little.

Thomas "009" Doscher
doscher009@hotmail.com