THE TYPICAL TENCHI FANFIC BY: PROFESSOR WASHU (actually done by BGlanders) SCENE: A stage. On either side stand Azaka and Kamadaki. Over a speaker, we hear, 'I'm a Pioneer'. AZAKA: Good evening, loyal fans of Tenchi. KAMADAKI: Tonight, we have a special treat for you. A look at your typical generic fanfic brought to you by proffseor Washu! Washu appears from behind the stage curtain. Cue the spotlight. WASHU: Good evening one and all. I, the greatist scientific genious in the universe, am here to preform a most unusual experiment. I plan to find out what goes into your typical Tenchi Muyo fanfic. To aide me in this quest for knoweledge, I will proceed to write what one would call, 'the Typical Tenchi Fanfic' by Washu!! Before we get started, we must ask, what is a fanfic? The spotlight turns to Azaka and Kamadaki, who are now sweat dropping. AZAKA Umm KAMADAKI: So...what IS a fanfic, professor Washu? The spotlight goes back to Washu. WASHU: I'm glad you two asked. A fanfic is a written work based on a manga or television series. These aren't written by actual professional authors who get paid, they're done by folks who have nothing better to do...like me! Now let us review the different kinds of fanfics. A T-chart comes down. On it are listed the different types of fanfics in bold print. WASHU: Here are the three types of fanfics one can expect to find. The regular, the crossover and the lemon or hentai. The regular focuses only on Tenchi and nothing else. The crossover focuses on Tenchi and some other series. The number of 'guest' series in a fanfic can number as many as the author wants, although for some reason 'Ranma' is the manga of choice. Finally, the lemon or hentai fic. Now Tenchi Muyo is considered by many to be entertainment for all. Then you get these perverts who can't keep it in their pants and have to share their wet dreams about a cartoon with the rest of the world. The one and only exception is Aikan Muyo. If you want a mature Tenchi story that keeps you rivited for hours, this is the one to read. WASHU: For some reason, writing a lemon has a strange effect on the grammer section of the brain. Observe the following sentence as it is written in regular style, then in hentai. Regular: Tenchi awoke one morning to find Ryoko staring into his eyes. Lemon: Tenchi woke on morning to fidn Ryoko stare in his eyes. WASHU: No joke. Wether this is the result of some kind of brain damage or the keys on the keyboard being stuck, I don't know. Just to be safe, avoid lemons like the plauge and you'll be allright. OKAY! Now that we've gotten that little crash course out of the way, let's get on with the fic! Azaka, Kamadaki, let's get started... Azaka and Kamadaki draw the curtain to reveal the fic. FIC: It was a nice, typical sunny day in the Masaki household. In background, the 'happy Tenchi' music can be heard. WASHU: Rule #1: All Tenchi fanfics, wether they be regular, crossover or lemon, MUST begin with, '...typical, sunny day...' FIC: As Tenchi slowly rose from bed only to bump headlong into a sleep-deprived Ryoko staring back at him. WASHU: Rule #2: If Tenchi has to wake up for whatever reason, Ryoko's face has to be within two inches of his own. FIC: "Gaaah! Ryoko, why do you always do this every morning?" Ryoko took on a pleading look. "Aww, Tenchi..." WASHU: (using a lazer pointer to elaborate) notice here the 'tease'. Ryoko must use the tease at least several times for a fanfic to work. FIC: Tenchi put his hand up. "Never mind. Just let me go through my morning routine in peace, okay?" Ryoko reluctantly backed away as Tenchi padded to the bathroom. Tenchi rolled his eyes as Ryoko started whining his name over and over. Finally, Tenchi made it to the restroom. Ryoko seated herself in front of the door and started pawing and pouting all in one. "Tenchi...Tenchi?..Tenchi....." WASHU: All right. In every experiment, you need a catalyst. For example, duridium will not meta- syncronize with borralium without a negitive particle charge. Hmm, considering that this is all light years behind your primitive minds, just try to think of vinegar and baking soda. Our baking soda, Ryoko. Our vinegar, Aeka. FIC: Ryoko paused as a shrill voice cut through the air. "Miss Ryoko! How dare you harass Lord Tenchi this early in the morning.." WASHU: Rule #3: The following phrases must be used for a fanfic to be considered 'cannon' ~ahem~... "Miss Ryoko!" -Aeka "Lord Tenchi!" -Aeka "Monster woman" -Aeka "Breakfast is ready!" -Sasami "WAAAAHHH!" -Mihoshi "Is that so?" -Yosho (this one is optional) "Tenchi...." -Everyone "Myia!" -Take a wild guess FIC: "...Honestly, do you really think that the first thing he wants to see every morning is the face of some monster woman?" WASHU: There's one! FIC: Ryoko paused in her pawing and turned to the princess. "Of course not, otherwise he'd probaly look at you every morning!" Aeka started to charge up her logs as Ryoko prepared her light saber. Both were about to clash as Sasami emerged from her bedroom. "Are you two fighting again?" WASHU: Rule #4: Aeka and Ryoko must fight at least ONCE unless the fic is a lemon. In that case, the reader dosen't usually give a crap about plot (Aikan Muyo is the ONLY exception). FIC: Ryoko and Aeka paused in mid-battle pose as both their eyes turned to the sleepy Sasami. "Oh, good morning Sasami," chirpped Aeka in her cheeriest voice, "How are you this morningh?" WASHU: Rule #-1: The typodemon rule. This is a minus rule because if you can \manabge to rite a fanefik withaout tipos, den moore powr two u. FIC: Sasami smiled at both Ryoko and Aeka as Tenchi emerged from the restroom and greeted all three with a smile. "Good morning ladies." "Good morning, Tenchi!" They all chirpped in their peppiest voices. As they smiled, a sweatdrop appeared on Tenchi's forehead. WASHU: Ahh, the Drop. That mythical item that is used to express nervousness. It has borne several names; the sweatdrop, the teardrop, the eggdrop. All of these are acceptable to the casual otaku. For truly serious crowds, I recommend the use of 'eggdrop', but like anyone really gives a dang. FIC: As Tenchi headed downstairs, Sasami was preparing breakfast. WASHU: Rule #5: Okay, this is something that has puzzled even me over the years. No matter how much of a head start Tenchi gets, Sasami will ALWAYS be in the kitchen preparing breakfast. You could tie her up, toss her on Ryo-Ohki and send her into the furthest reaches of space and she'd STILL beat him downstairs! Not saying I would ever think of such a thing... Azaka and Kamadaki both form sweat/tear/egg drops on their sides. FIC: "Good morning again, Tenchi! Breakfast is ready!" WASHU: There's another one. FIC: "Morning Tenchi," a voice called to him. Tenchi looked in the den to see a smiling Mihoshi watching TV and waving to him. "Ahh, good morning Mihoshi." WASHU: Okay, enough with the repetitive crap. Now that the sterotype Tenchi morning has been set, it's time to put in a conflict. Your typical conflicts can be... 1) Aeka gets kidnapped by some wacked-out Jurain noble 2) Ryoko has a personal crisis and has to go stir up trouble (usually resulting in some serious property damage) 3) A death. 4) A pregnancy. (yeah right) 5) An expierement of mine getting out of hand. 6) A confilct with our future/past selves or relatives. 7) One if not all of the girls confessing their eternal love for Tenchi. 8) Tenchi confessing his eternal love to one or all of the girls (i.e. Aikan Muyo yet again) 9) The exact opposite of #'s 7 or 8. 10) Some super being from God-knows-where comes out of the woodwork and decides to destroy earth or Tenchi. Take your pick. 11) Ryo-ohki running out of carrots. For the sake of time, let's go with choice number 11. Yeah, I know. You thought I put it in there as a joke, right? Well, let's play with this a bit... FIC: As the gang sat down to breakfast, that tiny, kawaii, brilliant, incredible genious Washu burst through her sub-space door and looked around wildly. "Oh, good morning Washu," said Tenchi, "breakfast is ready." Washu ignored Tenchi and immedately headed towards Ryo-ohki. "You feel like going for a spin, girl?" WASHU: We now have everyone we need for a sucessful fic. Nobuyuki is almost NEVER needed. Yosho is always an alternate. For right now though, we have everyone we'll need. FIC: "Myia!" the cabbit replied. WASHU: There's another. Only two more to go... At this time, I should mention the power of the myia. Since this is all Ryo-ohki can say (with the exception being 'carrot') it is a GREAT little thing to toss in when you don't have a clue what to make the characters say next. This takes up space, gives you time to think and just makes the fanfic better all around. FIC: As Washu was about to head out the door with the cabbit in her hand, Ryoko teleported ahead of her and put her arms out in a 'you're-not-going-anywhere motion. "Hold it, you're not going anywhere with her unless I know about it!" Washu calmly grabbed her daughter by the ear and hauled her out the door, calling behind her, "The rest of you are welcome to join us, if you like." The crowd around the table looked to one another and sighed. Sweat/Tear/Egg drops formed on each forehead as Tenchi, Sasami, Mihoshi and Aeka slowly rose and followed Washu to the lake. WASHU: Now we come to rule #6: Useage of surrounding turf. Either the Masaki houshold, Masaki Shrine, the Lake, the Cave or the fields MUST be used as a setting, even if it's only for a moment. If this rule is negelcted, the reader's head will explode. For another example of this, watch any magical girl cartoon for three hours and you'll get the same effect. FIC: As the gang gathered around the lake, Washu put her arm back like a softball picther, then brought it foward. Ryo-ohki went flying into the air, then, to everyone's suprise and shock, came back down with a splash. "What did you do to her?!" Ryoko screamed at the mad scientist. "Hmm, just as I feared. Ryo-ohki's body mass has dwindled over the last several weeks. And of course it would happen now, just when we need her..." WASHU: For a good plot device, put Murphy's law into effect. It never fails. FIC: Tenchi scratched his head. "What do you mean, 'just when we need her?' I'm kinda in the dark here, Washu..." Washu shook her head at the others stupidity. "All right, since we're screwed anyway's, I might as well plop my tush here for awhile and tell you. Righ now, just passed the orbit of Uranus, is a meteor. This meteor is one-fifth the size of earth and on a colission course with.." She typed in he laptop that had magicly appeared in front of her. "Nagano, give or take 20 miles." WASHU: Rule #7: All disasters, aliens, super-powered beings, etc will always be drawn to Japan. Why? Well, why not? FIC: All face-faulted as Washu calmly continued to type in her computer. WASHU: (Using lazer pointer to illustrate) The face-fault. This is a physical feat that only the true otaku can achive. Now some may think that the face-fault is something that comes naturaly, but the truth is we spend three hours each day practicing to get this classic comedy technique down pat. Yosho spends a record eight hours straight practicing this, hence the reason you hardly ever see him. FIC: Ryoko still couldn't seem to put two and two together. "Ryo-ohki has lost her mass? But..but that's impossible!" A now-drenched ryo-ohki emerged from the lake, giving a questioning 'myia' as to why she wasn't 5,000 tons and sailing through earth's orbit at this moment. Sasami rushed to her favorite cabbit's side and dried her off. "There, there Ryo-ohki. It'll be all right. I'm sure Washu can make it all better." Aeka went to Washu's side. "How much time until impact?" the princess asked. Washu checked her watch. "About twenty hours. This thing's really moving." Mihoshi was now on her knees hugging Washu's knees and sobbing. "We're not all gonna die, are we? WAAAAHHHHH!!!" WASHU: There. All quotes are out of the way. FIC: Tenchi suddenly had a thought. "Say, couldn't we use the Yagami to intercept..." Washu shook her head. "The Yagami dosen't have nearly enough fire power to take out a solid mass object of this size. No, we need Ryo-ohki." Washu hurridly typed some more and then grabbed the cabbit. "Now, my little one, let's see what's making you ill, shall we?" A dimensional pocket appeared beside Washu, and from it came a chair equipped with various needles, cables, restrainers and one head piece. It was your typical Washu-probe chair. "Hop in," chirped the #1 genious in the universe as she plopped the cabbit in the futuristic-looking chair and started to crunch numbers. After a few minutes, she came up with the answer. With a menacing gleam in her eye, she turned to Tenchi. AZAKA: Excuse me, professor Washu. When do Kamadaki and I appear? KAMADAKI: Yes, we were starting to wonder... WASHU: Quiet you two, or I'll toss you in my fusion fireplace! FIC: "Tenchi, have you been using Gro-Co plant food on the carrots as of late?" Tenchi nodded, suddenly fearing for his life. Washu shook her head in shams as Ryoko came to Tenchi's side. "What? Waht does plant food have to do with this? You're not going to blame Tenchi for this, are you?" Washu shook her head. "No, I suposse I'm to blame. I should've provided my special brand to keep the old girl up to snuff. Ah well, no use crying over spilled milk." Washu crunched some more numbers as the others looked on. Sasami was stroking Ryo-ohki's fur and trying to comphort the concerned cabbit. "Don't you worry," Sasami said, "Washu will make it all better." FIC: As if on cue, Washu jumped up with her puppets on her shoulders. "Of course I can, and I just did!" The puppets started in with their 'Washu you're the greatist!' and 'Washu you're a genious!' Washu whistled. Shortly, Azaka and Kamadaki appeared before her. "You two, go to my lab and bring up my 'emergency supply' of carrots. They're in the 300th door on your left. Grab about five tons worth and head on back here. "Yes ma'am," both logs chimmed and then teleported off to do their job. WASHU: There, are you two twigs happy? AZAKA & KAMADAKI: Yes ma'am! FIC: In 30 minutes, a vast pile of carrots had appeared before Tenchi and company. "Okay, we've got the carrots, now all we need to do is get our girl to eat them in under fifteen hours." Aeka had a puzzling look in her face. "Um, is that possible, little Washu?" WASHU: Rules #8 & 9: Always always always always ALWAYS refer to me as either 'little Washu' or 'Washu chan'. And please people, if you start a script in semi-japaneese, FINISH IT IN SEMI- JAPANEESE!!! And vise-versa! Nothing is more annoying than wondering why the characters have picked up/dropped their accents midway into the story. FIC: TWO HOURS LATER..... FIC: Ryo-ohki sat amongst a pile of carrot stems, looking quite satisfied but not an inch bigger. Aeka face-faulted at the sight. "How..how did she...?" Washu smiled. "Maximum mass in a tiny, light weight form. And she's so cute...!" Washu hugged the cabbit as it gave a happy 'Myia!' "It's one of my closest guarded secrets. Now, we'll just give her about an hour to digest that little lunch and we'll be off." FIC: ABOUT AN HOUR LATER... WASHU: Note: Humor interjected by the author is always a nice touch. It helps keep the reader's intrest and makes you seem wittier than you probaly are. FIC: Ryo-ohki sed through space, already passing the astroid belt of Mars. Tenchi and Sasami stood at the window watching th cosmos go by. "Wow, the stars look really neat out here, don't they Tenchi?" Tenchi nodded and put his hand on her shoulder. "Yeah, they sure do." Behind them, Aeka and Ryoko stood fuming. "How dare Sasami spend this time with Lord Tenchi. I should be the one at his side!" Ryoko laughed. "Yeah, right. You'd probaly just stand there saying how wonderful everything was and wait for Tenchi to cmopare all that beauty out there to you. The truth is he'd much rather compare them to me." At this, Aeka went red with rage. "WHAT! Why would Tenchi want to compare such a beautiful sight like that," she gestured to the window, "to a monstor woman like you?" As both girls powered up for a fight, Mihoshi came between them. "Can't you two get along just once?" "NO" They both screamed in unicin. As the two prepared to destroy one another, a jelly-like substance came up from the floor and imprisoned both of them before either one of them knew what was going on. "There, that's better," Washu said as she guided the ship towards it's goal. WASHU: Rule #10: Never forget about characters. I just tossed Mihoshi in for a brief scene. If it were up to me, I'd jettson her out into space, but as a writer, I've got to keep her around. Such is the way things are, I guess... FIC: Finally, Ryo-ohki reached her goal; a huge floating rock spinning straight towards her. "All right, now take aim, Ryo-ohki." Ryo-ohki gave a 'Myia' in acknowledgement. (spelling, ladies and gentlemen?) The screen before the red-haired wonder showed several targets converging on the center of the meteor. With a devilish grin, Washu screamed out, "FIRE!" Instantly, a barrage of super- powered lazers sped towards the large rock. Instantly, the meteor discentragrated into a billion tiny shards. "Wow," said Sasami, "that was really neat, Washu!" WASHU: A special exception to rule #8: Sasami is the ONLY person allowed to constantly refer to me as just Washu. This is because she's the only person at eye-level with me, so it would be pretty pointless for her to say, 'little Washu', now wouldn't it? FIC: As Ryo-ohki headed back to earth, Sasami, Mihoshi, Washu and Tenchi stood looking out the window at the beauty of space. Aeka and Ryoko were still frozen in the holding jelly Washu had put them in. "Say, little Washu," said Tenchi, "when are you going to let Aeka and Ryoko go?" Washu thought about answering with 'never', but finally said, "Tomorrow. For now, let's head home and enjoy a crisis-free day. Who's up for hitting the hot springs when we get back?" A chorus of smiles answered her question. 'Ahh yes,' she thought as she looked to the frozen duo behind her, 'this is going to be a great day. I just know it!' ************************************************************************************************************************ The curtain closes as the spot focuses in on Washu. WASHU: Well, there you have it. All the nessacary ingrediants for a sucessful fic. We've used quotes, actions, made good use of a conflict and tossed in some fights between Aeka and Ryoko. We've used the scenery, included all nessacary characters and had a good time doing it. And now, the cast of, 'A Typical Fanfic!' The gang appears on stage. Aeka and Sasami are in their pajamas, Mihoshi is in a nightshirt while Tenchi is in his sleep ware too. Ryoko is in her usual outfit. AEKA: Huh? Wah...? SASAMI: What's going on? Aeka...? RYOKO: What the hell?! TENCHI: How did I get here...?! MIHOSHI: ~Snore~ The group suddenly disapears in a flash of light. The spot now returns to Washu. WASHU: Okay, that's enough of them. Thankyou for reading this typical fanfic, ladies and gen.. AZAKA: Excuse me, professor... KAMADAKI: I think you have forgotten two characters... WASHU: (Looking VERY annoyed at having been interrupted) Oh, yeah. These two blocks of wood behind me? They were in it too. Azaka and Kamadaki take a bow as two flowerpots land on their....heads? KAMADAKI: Ouch. AZAKA: Indeed. WASHU: And now the final aspect to writing a fanfic. This is considered the most importiant part of the story. ~ahem~ All characters protrayed in this writing are the properity of AiC and Pioneer. There, now we won't get sued! The curtain closes with Washu smiling and waving. WASHU: G'night everybody!!! We hear 'Talent for Love' being piped over the speakers as the lights rise. ************************************************************************************************************************ All C&C goes to BGlanders@aol.com