***Note: This is a tribute to Harry Seacombe who died a couple of days ago. 
He starred
as Neddy Seagoon in the cult British comedy known only as "The Goons". 
Anyway I've
taken one of their episodes and placed most of the Tenchi cast in there. 
Here our fearless
Heroine Mihoshi hunts down the criminals who perpetrated the most hideous 
crime of all
time: The String Robberies! Note that this is heavily adapted from the 
origional script that was
aired on British radio in 1968 so if you flame me, keep in mind that you're 
indavertantly flaming Peter Sellars, Spike Milligan and Harry Seacombe, 
acknowledged as three of the top British comedy geniuses (next to Tommy 
Cooper and John Cleese)! Anyway I present this to you. Any Flames, raves to 
puddah@ntlworld.com and ENJOY!***

***This Fanfic is written without the permission of both Pioneer and AIC but 
I'm not selling it so please do not sue me. Actually what you can do Pioneer 
and AIC is reopen sales of Tenchi in the UK (you know how much it costs to 
get the stuff from America!!!!!!!) PLEASE!!!! Also BBC please do not sue me 
for using one of your scripts!!!***



"So here we are" sighed Mihoshi as she sat in the darkness.
"Yes here we are" replied Ryoko "wanna fag?"
"Where's my catapult!" cried Sasami as she searched around.
"We've must escape from this place Washu" Kagato whispered.
"I know, I know give me some time!" Washu muttered.

Mihoshi sat back and thought back to when this all started.

***

It all started very simply.

"My Socks keep falling down!" cried Kagato as he walked along with Washu.
"Hmmm" Washu thought "we have to obtain a certain amount of cheap string"
"But!" Kagato exclaimed "what will I do till then?"
"Until then use the famous Eccles's method"
"What's that" Kagato asked.
"Stand on your head"
"Ey hup!" Kagato shouted as he performed the Eccles's manoeuvre.

"Hello Kiyone!" Mihoshi smiled as she pointed the camera at herself. She was 
standing
in a Jurain Maglev station, steam from
the locomotives that went past went everywhere.

"EEEEEEK!" King Azusa said as a train went past, letting off ultra hot steam 
"There
must be a law against trains letting off steam when people are wearing 
kilts!"
"Oh shut up and keep walking" Queen Misaki and Lady Funaho glared.

"Anyway" Mihoshi said as she beamed into the camera "I've been called on my 
own to
Planet Jurai to meet the local police. I hear my
reputation precedes me!"
"Detective?" a voice said. Mihoshi looked down "It came from a navy red 
kilt"
"Aye" the Jurain police officer said "I'm a ventriloquist!"
"Wow really" smiled Mihoshi.
"Aye lass" the officer said "I throw ma voice. Sometimes from ma knee, 
sometimes from
ma shin and sometimes from ma nose!"
"Oh that's so amazing" smiled Mihoshi "Where is the scene of the crime 
then?"
"This way detective" the officer said leading Mihoshi along.

Soon they arrived at a small house. The place was crawling with Police 
officers and was
taped up.
"This is the house" the Officer said.
"Oh wow, where is the front door?"
"Ah!" the officer said "it's in this brown paper parcel, we only use it for 
going in or out"
The officer unwrapped the door and opened it and they stepped inside. The 
kitchen, like
the rest of the house was being looked over by
police officers.
"The black bearded criminal must've gotten in through the doors or the 
windows,
everything else was locked!" the officer explained.
"Right, I see" Mihoshi nodded "who was killed then"
"No one's been killed" the officer said.
"Then this is a job for the police!" cried Mihoshi.
"You are a policeperson" frowned the officer.
"Oh yes, yes" laughed Mihoshi nervously "I wasted no time in getting here 
did I, eh?".
She looked around nervously then got her Blaster
out "hands up! you're all under arrest!"

Later, Mihoshi looked at the camera again "Anyway Kiyone, after we had got 
over this
initial setback we got on with the crime"
The officer led Mihoshi to a table in the middle of the kitchen.
"You see that piece of string on the table?"
Mihoshi nodded "yes, what's that space in the middle"
"That's the piece that's missing!" cried the officer.
Mihoshi blinked and looked around the table, inspecting the string from a 
variety of
angles. She took out her control cube and analysed
all parts to the string.

"So that's what a piece of missing string looks like eh?" Mihoshi said in 
awe, she looked
up "Where's it gone?...wait!" she giggled "Can't you
see you poor Jurain idiot!"
The Officers glared in annoyance.
"It's all an elaborate practical joke!" Mihoshi giggled.
This was met with more glares.
"Look" she pointed at the string "someone has cut that string in the centre, 
pulled the two
peices in opposite directions, giving the impression
that a piece had been removed from the middle!"
The officer stared at the string.
"Hairy Gringos!" exclaimed one Officer "He's right! If you put these two 
peices together,
the gap disappears!"
"Ah but look" said another Officer "If you do that, notice that the two ends 
get shorter"
"Ghad Chisms!" Mihoshi said "Now I see what's happened all right!" she 
turned to the
officers "Oh what cunning. The criminal's cut a piece off each end, then cut 
across the
middle and pulled them apart, making the string look the original length!"
One of the officers rubbed his head "Oh dear this is a baffling case"
"Yes" nodded Mihoshi "instead of once piece, we're looking for two separate 
ends!" she
beamed "good job I can count, We must start investigations at once!"

Later.
"Well Kiyone we decided to pursue all available ways of getting the police's 
message
across!" Mihoshi said into the camera.
"...Finally, here is a Royal Police of Jurai message" said the announcer of 
the Royal tree
news network "Will all people in possession of two peices of string please 
report to their
local police station. Now, sports: The Boxing match between the Thanthos and 
Hykarian
Soccer teams has been cancelled..."
Ayeka turned off the holo-tv as she sat back in the Masaki house. Nothing 
was happening
in the house since they were the only people there at the moment. Ryoko was 
meant to be
making dinner.
"Oh dear" the Princess sighed "Oh dear, Oh dear, Oh dear, Oh dear, Oh dear, 
Oh dear, Oh
dear, Oh dear" she turned behind her.
"Ryoko! Ryoko! Ryoko! Oh-ow-ee! Ryoko! Ryoko! Ryoko!" she cried.
"Are you calling me Ayeka!" Ryoko called from the lounge.
"Yes!" shouted Ayeka "Hurry up, I'm next!"
"What?" Ryoko called again.
"Oh, you sinful woman you!" cursed Ayeka "always at the cigarette rolling 
machine!"
"Have you got a match Ayeka" asked Ryoko.
"Oh!" cried Ayeka "Not satisfied with making you're own fags! Now you want 
to smoke
em'!"
"Oh pipe down you lazy old bag!" Ryoko shouted.
"You are a bitch you are!" moaned Ayeka.
"There's nothing to worry about anyway!" Ryoko said "this is herbal 
tobacco!"
"Herbal?"
"Yes" nodded Ryoko "extra herbal tobacco, made from dandelions!"
"Well don't put any in my bedroom!" grumped Ayeka "our water bills are high 
enough as
it is!"
Ryoko shrugged as she sat back and put a cigarette into her mouth.
"Ah!" she cried out as she inhaled "Oh! These cigarettes are very strong 
Ayeka!"
Ayeka blinked.
"Better not light them" Ryoko said.
"You naughty, naughty woman Ryoko!" Ayeka said.
"Ayeka!" glared Ryoko.
"What?"
"Where did you get that modern Jurain sack dress?" Ryoko asked.
"I got it off the coal man" smirked Ayeka.
"It sucks" Ryoko said.
"Oh you are a cow you are!" Ayeka shouted.
Ryoko glared again.
"Anyway lets get down to the police station!" shouted Ayeka.
"Well you're not allowed out of the house" Ryoko said "so you sit and watch 
TV and I'll
drive the house to the Police Station"
"Well hurry up with it then!" Ayeka said.

Soon the house had left its foundations and was zooming off down the road at 
a
whooping 25mph.

****

"Kiyone!" Mihoshi said "I'm still here! Three weeks and still no sign of 
solving the
crime!" she jumped out of her bathrobe, naked "I think I'll take a bath!"
Mihoshi jumped back into the water, when she was sure she was totally wet 
she got some
sandpaper out.
"Nothing like the ol' sandpaper for bringing up the old knees' white! 
Hahahaha" giggled
Mihoshi.
Suddenly an officer strode into Mihoshi's office.
"Eh?" blinked the police officer "pardon me detective"
"Officer Smithsaki!" cried Mihoshi "how dare you creep in here when my shins 
are
exposed!"
"Well...I" the Officer mumbled.
"HEEEEEEEENNNNTTTTTAAAAAIIIIII!" screamed Mihoshi.
"I'm sorry detective I won't look, in any case, I'm a married man with shins 
of me own,
you know" the officer blushed.
"State your business officer!" said Mihoshi.
"I'm a Policeman"
"I know you're a policeman!" sighed Mihoshi "but what do you want?"
"Well" the officer blinked "there's a house outside waiting to see you"
"A house!" Mihoshi said standing up, her naked body making the officer faint 
in
embarrassment "I must go and inspect it"
So she strode out of the office. Several screams (both male and female) 
could be heard
outside as Mihoshi rushed back into the office, tripping over the 
unconscious policeman.
"I forgot to put some clothes on" she blushed.

Ryoko and Ayeka were sitting in the lounge, looking bored when there was a 
knock on
the front door. Gasping, they ran as fast as they could, diving over each 
other to be the
first to the door.
"Hello" Mihoshi nodded.
"Good morning!" Ryoko smiled, bowing.
"Good morning!" Ayeka smiled, bowing.
"Hmm, its mid-afternoon already good morning" Mihoshi giggled "I was told 
this house
wanted to see me?"
"Ah yes" Ayeka nodded "we have come in to hand in our three peices of 
string!"
"String, string" muttered Ryoko behind her.
"Well there must be some mistake" Mihoshi said "we are looking for only two 
peices of
string"
"Oh" blinked Ryoko.
"Well...um" Ayeka thought "we'll just throw the other one away!"
"Good" said Mihoshi as she took the string "now you're a suspect!"
"Oh!" gasped the plucky pair of women.
"I'm innocent I tell ya!" cried Ryoko.
"I wonder if this young Princess could be the string thief?"
"No, no!" said Ayeka.
"Well...no" Ryoko shouted.
"Not so loud" hissed Mihoshi "Ayeka might hear"
"Ayeka" Ryoko whispered.
"What?"
"Put your fingers in your ear"
"Oh okay" shrugged Ayeka.
"...the robbery's been done...ever...will be so..." Mihoshi said, concerned 
looking.
"ba..mucka..ba...a come...come...rober...ry?" Ryoko asked.
"...what do I..." Mihoshi replied.

"Dear readers" said Kiyone, looking totally bored and annoyed "this 
disjointed
conversation is being caused by Ayeka moving her fingers in and out of her 
ears, thereby
causing an intermittent break-in sound"

Suddenly Ryoko pushed Mihoshi out of the house and slammed the door.
"Now Ayeka NOW!" Ryoko cried.
Mihoshi gasped as she saw the house back out of it's parking slot and speed 
away.
"Officer!" she shouted " follow that house!"
"Come back!, Oh dear, come back!" gasped the Officer as he gave chase, his 
kilt flashing
in the wind "I arrest you in the name of the law!"
Mihoshi turned to one of her aides "throw a cordon around Planet Jurai! 
No-one must
leave the planet!"
"Right" nodded the aide.

"What do you mean we can't leave the planet!" King Azusa said, holding 
several bags of
tax-free cigarettes and alcohol, Queen Misaki had a bottle of tax-free 
perfume while lady
Funaho was holding several tax-free bottles of Sake.
"I'm sorry sir" the immigration officer smiled weakly "the planet is closed 
until further
notice on the orders of 1st Class Detective Mihoshi"
"Oh dear" sighed Azusa.

"We knew we were getting close as the blockade drew on" Mihoshi said into 
the camera.

Meanwhile Kagato and  Washu were standing on top of a cliff as the sea 
lapped beneath
them, Kagato gasped as he read a newspaper.
"It says in the paper on page ten here...there is a nationwide search for 
people with two
peices of string!"
"What?" blinked Washu "We must leaved Planet Jurai! Bring the brown paper 
pudding
and follow me!"
The pair cried out as they jumped into the sea. Suddenly Sasami appeared and 
said in an
ultra KAWAI voice:
"They've fallen in the water!"

"Hup!" Mihoshi said as she leapt out of bed "I thought I heard two splashes"
"Two splashes Jee-em!" an aide said "oh jee-em are your feet wet?"
"Yes" nodded Mihoshi "I've been sleeping with damp socks on"
"Oh jeem!" cried out the aid "can't you afford a clothesline jeem?"
"Yes but I find the bed more comfortable!" giggled Mihoshi.
"Oh Jeem, Oh Jeem, Oh Jeem, Oh Jeem, Oh Jeem, jeem!" shouted the aide "we 
must take
action Jeem!"
"Right, send a signal!"
The aide jumped on the nearest steam-driven semaphore machine and started to 
tap away.
"Send a signal to all coastguards!"
The aide nodded as he tapped away.
"Especially to those on the coast" hehed Mihoshi nervously "Arrest the 
owners of those
splashes!"

Mihoshi rubbed the lens of the Camera "little did we know that a coast-guard 
had already
come upon some important evidence!"

The coastguard station was battered by massive waves and winds, cups and 
other things
fell over as each wave hit the wooden walls. Inside an occupant shivered and 
suffered.
"OH!" cried Tenchi as he fell about "Oh!, oh, oh, oh, I've never had it as 
bad as this
before! Oh dear, oh the wind must be 40 knots at least! Well, I hope we 
don't have to
launch the lifeboat tonight. Just in case they ask me, I'll put one arm in a 
sling and lie
down in a mock faint.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door.

"What?" gasped Tenchi "Who is that there, who is it? who is....who is out 
there?" he
shouted as he staggered over to the door.
"Only a lunatic would be out on such a storm!"
He opened the door to find none other than Amagasaki standing there, 
dripping from
head to toe holding a carol song book. He proceeded to sing a carol for 
Tenchi.
Tenchi, not moved for one second said "Thank you" and slammed the door.
There was more knocking.
He opened it again to find Amagasaki standing there.
"Yes?" Tenchi asked.
"Merry Christmas?" Amagasaki said holding up a collection box.
"You crazy, mixed-up Eccles you!" cried Tenchi "Christmas is gone!"
"Oh?" blinked Amagasaki "which way did it go?"
"It's finished!" sighed Tenchi in exasperation.
"Finished?" Amagasaki asked "wait a sec" he thought for a second.
"Well?" Tenchi asked.
"Trick or treat?" smiled Amagasaki holding up a collection box again.
"That's not till next October you idiot!" screamed Tenchi.
"Well" Amagasaki smiled "can we come in a wait"
Tenchi, very angry now clobbered Amagasaki with his bokken, Amagasaki was 
driven
off, fell in the sea and was swept away.
"Well" Tenchi sighed as he closed the door "that's got rid of that idiot"
Yet another knock was heard on the door.
"Right where's my bokken!" Tenchi shouted as he opened the door "take that!"
"I don't like clubbing jeem!" the aide said calmly "I have a message for 
you"
"Well play it on the holo-gramophone!" Tenchi said.
The aide played the message, the sounds of a typewriter could be heard.
"Drat!" cursed Tenchi "it's written in typewriter and I can't speak a word 
of it"
"Turn it over" the aide said.
When he did the faint sound of Amagasaki singing carols could be heard.
"No!" cried Tenchi "I can't take it!"
"Well you better do what we say then" Mihoshi said as she walked in.

****

"We were well on our way to capturing the criminals!" Mihoshi smiled into 
the camera.

The Lifeboat was tossed and turned by the rough seas of the Northern Ocean 
of Spon that
was in the north of Planet Jurai.
"My it was very brave of you to launch in such weather!" smiled Mihoshi 
admiringly.
"Yes" nodded Tenchi "its amazing what a person will do at pistol point isn't 
it" he said as
Mihoshi pressed the energy pistol into the small of his back.
"What's our position?" asked Mihoshi.
"I don't know" shrugged Tenchi "I'm a stranger around here"
"What does the label on this wave say?" Mihoshi said as she read it "Made in 
Kyoto for
the Ocean of Spon? hmmmmm"
Suddenly a cry could be heard.
"Helllllpppp!" Kagato cried as he was thrashed around in the water.
"Look" pointed Mihoshi out to sea "the word 'help' has come out of that 
bubble!"
"It must be a drowning cartoonist!" Tenchi gasped.
"Here!" Mihoshi shouted "catch this waterproof pencil and paper!"
"Thank you!" Kagato shouted "I'll draw a life ring for me and Washu...there 
saved!"
"now what?" Mihoshi shouted.
"I'll draw me and Washu on board....touché! on board!"
Kagato and Washu appeared out of nowhere on board the lifeboat.
"I'm sorry" Mihoshi smiled "but I must ask you to empty your pockets"
Kagato and Washu nodded as they emptied many things onto the floor for a 
sustained
amount of time (including bottles of gin, pianos,15,000 ton pocket 
battleships and
massive Soja like looking Space battle cruisers).
"Quit stalling" glared Mihoshi "empty your pockets!"
"Ma'am, that is our entire worldly wealth" Washu smiled.
"Well what's that ominous bulge in the seat of your trousers?" Mihoshi 
asked.
"Oh that" Kagato said nervously "that's erm...well...err that's some old 
clothes"
"Really?" Mihoshi grinned evilly "Tenchi hand me your bokken"

Mihoshi then whacked Kagato's backside, where the bulge.
"OWWIE!" cried Sasami as she leapt out "my lughole!"
"Ghad!" exclaimed Mihoshi "a stowaway!"
"All right I'll come out" sniffed Sasami.
"Stop!" Mihoshi said "who are you?"
"I am young Sasami!" she said "Ace Private Detective! Own catapult, own 
scooter, and
own legs! Will go anywhere...in the Masaki Garden"
"Girl, girl, little loony girl who are you trailing" Mihoshi asked.
"I'm after the string criminals!" cried out the plucky PI "and I suspect 
that they are very
naughty men (and women)!"
Kagato growled at Sasami.
"Points finger at him, point, point, pointy, pointy, point!" Sasami shouted, 
jumping
around.
"That girl is lying!"
"Keep him away from me!" Sasami said as she ran behind Mihoshi.
"That girl is lying!"
"Lets fly with catapult PING!" Sasami said as she let go of her lethal 
cargo.
A massive explosion was heard as the projectile met it's target head on.
"AGGG!" Kagato cried, holding his face in his hands "my spectacles!"
"Okay calm down everyone" Mihoshi said "a final question, are you two the 
owners of
these splashes?"
Washu took a long, careful look at them.
"Nope" she shook her head "I haven't seen these splashes in my life!"
"Would you like to try them on?" Mihoshi asked.
"Oh all right" Washu said as she got into the splash.

"See Detective!" Sasami shouted "they're a perfect fit! Arrest them in the 
name of the
lee!"
"Run for it Washu!" cried Kagato as he jumped overboard "run!"
Mihoshi gasped as she saw Washu and Kagato jump overboard.
"After them!" she cried.

****

"So" Mihoshi continued into the camera "We pursued Washu and Kagato until we
reached the purple cliffs of Sponsaki! Washu and Kagato (disguised as 
splashes) made
their way inland. They thumbed a lift from a passing house.

"Blast!" cursed Mihoshi as she saw Ayeka and Ryoko drive away with Kagato 
and
Washu "they drove away in that house!"
"Don't worry detective!" Sasami said "I've got their number"
"Aha!" Mihoshi said "64 Fairy cake lane! that's where Ayeka and Ryoko live!"
"That mean's we can go to where the house should be and get in the cellar 
and wait for
the to come back!" Tenchi said.
"Good thinking let's go!" Mihoshi said "we must hurry our audience and 
K'thardin are
leaving in disgust!"

Later...

"This is as far as this house goes!" Ryoko said as she turned the engine 
off.
"Ah no, listen" Kagato said "can we stay until it gets dark?"
"Well if you close your eyes it'll get dark very quickly!" Ayeka said.
Kagato did what Ayeka told him to do.
"Oh my god Washu she's right!" Kagato gasped.

Suddenly a searchlight went off under the floorboards.
"Hand's up you people in the dark there!" Mihoshi cried out.
"Oh!" Kagato gasped.
"Where are you?" Washu shouted in amazement.
"Under the floorboards and in the cellar!" Don't move or I'll fire!" Mihoshi 
said sternly.
"Detective!" giggled Sasami "from where I'm standing I can see up Kagato's 
trouser
legs!"
"What do you want blasted Detective" Washu shouted down.
"We want those two peices of string!" Mihoshi replied.
"Do what she says Washu" Kagato said.
"Right Washu, Kagato you are both under arrest" smiled Mihoshi as she turned 
to Ayeka
and Ryoko.
"Where's the exit to this cellar?" Mihoshi asked Ayeka.
"There's no cellar in this house" Ayeka smiled darkly.
"Then...where are we?" gulped Tenchi.
"You're all in your minds!" cackled Ayeka "Oh-hohohohohoh!"

Later...

"And so here we are" Mihoshi beamed "stuck in my mind"
"Let us out!" Kagato cried "I can't take it any longer"
"Oh pipe down" Washu mumbled "I know exactly where we are!"
"Where?" Tenchi asked.
"Here" Washu Winked.

Fin

***Well three hours later and it's finished!!! I hope you liked it. Remember 
any
comments to Pudduh@ntlworld.com****