Subject: heres the bloody fic Date: Sun, 13 Feb 2000 22:55:48 EST From: BGlanders@aol.com To: gensao@geocities.com BGlanders presents... Something Less *** PaRt 1 "For now should I have lain still and been quiet, I should have slept: then had I been at rest" -Job 3-13 *** "Who am I?" All in all it wasn't that bad of a question to be asking. I had been floating in limbo for what could have been days, years, Seconds. I can't tell really. Everything's so white and dull and boring here it's driving me crazy! Where's the life? The color? The excitement? Who Who am I? Would dare consign me to this? Me, the queen of love and ambition! How dare anyone try and keep me down! They only invite my beautiful and slightly young wrath upon them, the fools. I am... I... Who am I? I remember a fight, a fight with that overly good and sickeningly sweet soldier of justice, Pretty Sammy. Ha, Sammy thought she could keep me down, that she could defeat me in my finest hour? As if! Like, I am the ultimate, the new model, the magical girl for the next millennium. That 'pretty' crap went out with that sailor bimbo. I refuse to be classified as pretty. I am sexy. I am mysterious. I am... Who am I? The fight... Oh yeah, I remember now. We were fighting, and I was winning. Hey, that's not something to just shrug off. Even though I don't like to admit it, she's a pretty good fighter for someone so pathetic. I remember that we were really pushing ourselves to the limit; each of us knew that this would be the last time. It was winner take all, and I would be damned if that blue haired bubble-gummer was gonna get the better of me. I was winning. I was alive! It felt great, wonderful! I was so free, so full of energy! I had never let myself go that much, never let my powers take control at that level. She felt it, too. I know she did, I could see the determination in her face increase with my power. I was tearing her up, and then... Then I heard the voice. Who am I? And she was there, clawing furiously away at the back of my mind. That black haired little bitch! I had always been able to hold her down before, but this... this was just too much. I found myself diverting all my energies from the fight into keeping her at bay, but it just wasn't working. Her will was overpowering me, pushing me, ripping me out of place and forcing herself in. When it was over, she made a choice. Who And that choice was to murder me. Am But who was I to complain? I "Who am I?" "I don't know. Who are you?" *** Okay, I remember what happened now. Misao had woken up. I don't know how, but when we heard her father calling out her name, something just snapped. It was like every mental barrier, every brick wall in my mind just came crashing down and all that was left was her. And that presence, just her naked screaming mental presence was more terrifying than anything Sammy could have hoped to throw at me. When it was all said and done, Misao decided to make a choice. She would be Misa from now on, fighting evil and protecting her precious, sickeningly sweet little friend, Sasami. I wasn't needed anymore to shield her from the blinding horrors of the real world. Scared little Misao didn't need big strong Misa to handle everything for her, oh no. Scared little Misao decided to take matters into her own hands. This is all fine and good, mind you. However it leaves me with quite a few questions. First and foremost being, if she's going to be Pixy Misa from now on, who the hell was I? Ever since then, I've been floating in this kind of white, fuzzy perpetual haze that I just can't seem to break through. God this is boring. I wish there was at least something to look at, or maybe something to do, like a travel game or something. All this nothing is really starting to get me cranky, and lovely madams like myself should NOT be cranky! But... there was still the question rolling around in my mind. If Misao was Misa and I was here, then who was I? Was I waste product from some little girl's frady cat conscience? Did I even have a place in the universe anymore? Was I worth a place? "Who am I?" "I don't know, who are you?" A voice! Someone was nearby! Oh thank God! Finally I could get out of this pathetic THX-1138 rip off, take a shower and get back to enjoying life. Now if I could only figure out where the voice was coming from... "Hello? Where are you? I really need to get out of here..." One minute, there was nothing in front of me. Then I blinked and wham! Of all the people in the universe, she just happens to be the one speaking to me. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, come to think of it... "What are you doing here? Come to think of it, how'd you get here in the first place? Where are we?" She was standing completely still, staring at me with those gigantic, all-too-familiar blue eyes. I half expected her to be smiling at me; now that would have been the real icing on the cake. Come on, Misa. Don't you think there's a more important question you should be asking yourself?" "Oh yeah? Like what?" "Who are you?" "..." "Well? You've been asking it since you got here and you don't have an answer yet? This isn't like you, Misa. You always have an answer, or comeback, or at least something witty to say." Damn. I was about to ask how she knew what I had been thinking, then withdrew the question. Considering who she was, it was pretty easy to guess how she knew what was going on in my mind. However, the little wuss had asked a question, and if nothing else she was right; I always had an answer. I puffed out my chest and put my hand by my face in a victory sign. Then, I went into my carefully rehearsed magical girl monologue. It never failed to impress folks before. "I am the Magical Girl of love and ambition! I am what puts the bomb in blonde bombshell! I am Pixy Misa!" Funny, she didn't seem impressed. "All right, now the tricky question. Who is Pixy Misa?" I froze. I was trying to come up with something witty and sarcastic, but the only answer that would come to mind was 'Misao'. No. That wasn't right. Misao was Misao and Misa was Misa. I was me and she was No wait, was that right? What... what had she I We Said? Misa was Misa and... She was... "Misa is Misao, and Misao is Misa." Those words still cut me right to the bone. I had said them when Sasami/Sammy had invaded our heart. I had said them, but until now I never really thought about what they meant. Did I have an identity? Did I serve a purpose in this world? I mean, aside from being the ultra-cool magical girl Pixy Misa and causing as much havoc as my evil little heart desired, what was my real purpose in life? Was I just some cushion for Misao to fall back on whenever she felt hurt or scared? Was I just some security blanket for that sniveling little... "Sniveling little what?" Damn. Forgot about the whole mind reading/sharing/messing around in thing. It didn't matter, everything I said/thought was true. I was the strong and she was... "She's... she's weak! I exist because a certain someone can't stand up for herself! I exist because I am the strong! I am the bold! I am everything 'she' is not!" "Oh really? And what happens when Misao becomes strong, miss Misa?" "I... I don't..." "You don't know, do you?" "..." "Shall I tell you? It's really quite simple, really." She started to pull back, fading a bit from sight. It was as if a mist had popped up out of nowhere, slowly blocking me from seeing her. "You become unnecessary. You're unwanted. No one needs you." I started to chase after her. How dare she talk that way to me! I was Pixy Misa! I was... "Unneeded, plain and simple. Who would ever need you? Besides, you don't need anyone either, so in the end this should work out perfectly, ne?" "Come back here! We're not finished, you and I! I..." "No one needs you." "I..." "And you don't need anyone." "I..." "And that's just the way you like it. Independent and strong and on your own..." "I..." "All. By. Yourself." I couldn't chase her anymore. It was like I was in one of those dreams where your running and running but no matter how fast you go, you can't get to where your going. I dropped to my knees and started to cry, because I knew. I knew that she was right. No one needed me. No one cared about the dangerous and flamboyant Pixy Misa. No one would care if she was ever seen again. In fact the world would probably be glad after awhile, then everyone would probably just forget. That's all, just forget. The world really didn't need or care about me, but I... "I... I need you." Damn it hurt to admit that. The fog around me grew denser, closing in on me from all sides. Even though I knew it wasn't real, I could still feel its cold, chilly fingers on my body. I felt so alone, so closed off from the world. I started to cry, sobbing and screaming at the mist around me. "I need you. I need you! You hear me you little bitch? I NEED YOU!" Nothing. I dropped to the ground, hugged my knees and started to cry. I couldn't believe she had abandoned me so easily. How could she? I was a part of her! I was her better half! Her real half. She was nothing without me and... and damnit, I wasn't all that hot without her. Hell, what did I care anyway? If she wanted to, she could go off on her own and let the world walk all over her. Let her see just how much of a person she was without me there to protect her I looked around and saw that the fog was giving way to an ever present, lingering darkness. It was the kind that you don't so much see as feel. As I sank headlong into it, I could feel the dark covering my entire body, and I for the first time in my life, I was afraid. I was going to die. *** pArt 2 "Crawl into the oven, here its dark and warm. I only had the proof of beauty in my hands a moment before they took it away." -Schandlich Freude *** My daddy used to read me a poem when I was sleepy. He'd come home every night just in time to tuck me into bed and kiss me goodnight, but I was never tired. I'd always ask him to stay awhile and talk to me, to tell me how his day went. Then he'd smile and rustle my hair, telling me how much he loved me. I'd tell him how much I loved him back, and he'd sit beside me and read to me, by the light of my soft, rainbow lamp. It wasn't anything big or special, but the memory of his reading to me is one of the few that I still have of him. When I try now... Now I have to look into a picture to remember what he looks like. My house is filled with pictures of father standing with mother and me. There are pictures of us at Christmas, at the beach, at the park. There are so many pictures, but so many of them... they're all so old. Sometimes I like to take those pictures and flip through them, remembering how strong and happy we were. Strong Back then, I was strong. I could run and run and never get tired. I could jump and run and laugh, and mama and papa would always be there, laughing and having fun with me. Back then I was strong because I had his love, because I had their love, and that love was so infectious and wonderful that I thought we could do anything. Their love made me strong. Happy I remember when we were together, we were happy. It felt good to do all that smiling. Papa would push me on the swings at the park, or we'd all go for walks on nice days through the city, stopping at any shop we wanted to. We'd endlessly browse the colorful display windows, half seeing the multi-colored wonders inside, and half seeing our own smiling faces reflected in the glass. Those smiles were always filled with love and joy. That love made me happy. But now... Papa went away. Mama doesn't care. We aren't a family anymore, we're... we're something less than that. Sure, mama works really hard to provide for us, but I just want her to see that all I want is her, not some empty palace. A family doesn't need some fancy house to be called a family. A family has love and happiness. That doesn't exist here anymore. That's why I go to Sasami's. They're always so happy and carefree, and they welcome me like I was their own daughter. I guess I've always seen Sasami as a sister, someone to look up to and who could protect me. She is my strength when I feel weak, and my hope when I feel lost. I always wanted so desperately to have that. I had it when my family was together, but now, now we're apart, and Sasami is all I really have. And that's how Misa was born. At first I admired Sasami's strength, but after awhile I began to envy it. I saw her as someone who wouldn't let anyone push her around. I saw her as the person who could get what they wanted by the sheer force of her personality. I saw that Sasami was strong. Strong It wasn't just her strength. I also admired how her attitude always managed to cheer me up. I wanted to be that person, the one that had so much positive energy that they just knew they could do anything in the world. I wanted to always smile, just like her. I wanted to make others smile, just like her. I wanted to make people happy. Happy I would lie awake at night and picture how that me would look. I saw a Misao that was always strong, no matter what happened. She didn't care what people thought about her as long as they were in awe of her. I saw a Misao that was so happy and outgoing that she could handle any situation, no matter how impossible it seemed. I saw myself, saw Misao, but it wasn't Misao. This person was something else. This was Misa. Misa was supposed to be good and strong. She was to be happy and unafraid of the world. She was to be everything that I was not, and then a little more, and Misa was. She was outgoing and brazen. She was happy and unafraid. Misa... Misao... these names are so close, yet when I look at them standing side by side I see something less than I thought I would. I see something less in both of us. Now that the demon inside of us is dead, I can feel Misa in the back of my mind. She's so lonely and scared. She thinks that I've forgotten about her, and that without me she will die. She still can't see the simple truth to our relationship. I go to her, asking why she is so closed off. I ask her why she is scared of me, why she fears what I might do. She tries so hard to pretend like it doesn't matter, like we're two completely separate people who don't need each other. She keeps going on and on, going so far as to deliver that monologue we used to use. When she finished, I catch myself asking her a question that even I couldn't answer. "Who is Pixy Misa?" I was being cruel, but I couldn't help it. Misa brought out something deep inside of me, something that made me feel strong, but angry at the same time. She made me question myself, who I was and why I was here. I guess she just isn't ready to have the favor returned. I get angry with her and turn my back. She keeps ranting about how independent and strong she is, and I am getting sick of it. If I couldn't make her see the truth, then why should I even bother? As I walk away, I can feel her anger welling up inside. She knows I'm right, that we need each other, and that she is only as alone as she let's herself be. As I walk away, I hear her screaming something through a veil of mist, but I can't really hear her. She's fading behind me, disappearing into the darkness. I tried to tell her that I was stronger now, and that I didn't need her help anymore. I had hoped to find an excuse to keep her with me, to justify her existence with something, anything. All she did though was show me that she was something less than I had thought she was. I don't want to keep doing this. I don't want to keep running away from myself, when its myself that I'm trying so hard to understand. I want to know that I can be strong, that I can be happy just like I've always dreamed. I want to know that these feelings are mine, not the creation of someone else. I want to know... but I can't bring myself to admit the truth. Papa, where are you? *** part 3 "Choose a self and stand by it." -William James *** I'm alone, surrounded by nothingness. It's now that I choose to proclaim what my heart has been feeling. This is what I know to be true, so I say it. I utter it simply, plainly and matter-of-factly. "Misa is Misao and Misao is Misa." "Ahh, but who are they? I jump at the voice. It's mine, but at the same time, it sounds distant, distorted. I look around and find myself floating in a sea of white, the only break in the endless pattern being a patch of fog ahead of me. In the fog I see a silhouette of a young girl, and realize that its myself. Suddenly I notice that I'm not dressed as Misao Amano anymore, but as Pixy Misa. I know I'm Misao, I know it. My hair... its still black, and.... Before I know what's going on, the shadow ahead of me asks the question again. "I'll ask you again; who are they?" "They are myself. Each is a side of a greater me." "But each is her own me, so therefore a you, by that definition, cannot exist." "But I do exist. I'm here talking to you." "No, you're here only because I want you to be. You are nothing more than an extension of myself." "And who are you?" "I am the real, while you are a fantasy created to fulfill the desperate whims of a greater whole." "And who is that whole?" "I am that whole. I am the one that you can't live without. I am the justification for your existence." "But I have thoughts! Free will! A conscience! How can this be if I'm nothing more than a whim?" "You have the illusion of free will. You're nothing more than a tool, something to be used. You act within a given set of parameters and perform a certain range of tasks, just like any tool. In the end, your so called "free will" is nothing more than the exploration of your own limitations, as set by me." "And who the hell are you? What gives you the right to justify my existence?" "I told you before, I am the whole, that from which the lesser are berthed." "The lesser? You mean Misao and Pixy Misa?" "No, as I said before, each is her own her. You on the other hand... just look at you. You're so mixed up you don't know who you are." "Yes I do! I'm..." "You're not Misao or Misa. You're too trapped between the two to pick." "You're wrong! I'm..." "Trapped, by the limitations of your own mind. You want to lash out, to command authority and be reckless and wild, so you embrace Misa. Then again, you're terrified of losing control and stability, so you run crying to Misao. In the end, you stretch yourself too thin, resulting in this; the neither." "Then... what will happen to me? Where will I end up?" "That question cannot be answered. There is no "I" as far as you are concerned. Don't you get it? You, or what you think is you now, doesn't exist. You are merely a wild concoction of my own will. As long as you remain in this state, then there are no real 'you', only a pathetic aspiration to be something you cannot." I start to cry, the tears stinging my cheeks. My hands tighten around my...Misa's.... the baton. I move to attack the shadow, to prove it wrong. I raise the baton in the air, take aim and command the magic to come forth... "Pixy Beam!" ...But when I do, nothing happens. And the shadow ahead of me can only laugh as I let the baton slide out of my hand and hit the floor. "Haven't you heard a word I've said? That was Misa's attack, but I already told you... you aren't Misa." "But I'm... I'm..." "Who is Pixy Misa?" "She's..." "Who is Misao Amano?" "She's... I... I don't know anymore..." "Shall I tell you who they are, little one? They are the weak. They are both something less than they should be, and both of them know it." "No! That's not true! They... I..." "Isn't it? Look at Misao. Poor little Misao wants to run. Poor little Misao wants to hide. Poor little Misao wants someone else to appear and magically clean up her life for her. Poor little Misao wants someone to lean on so that she can be strong... but she's nothing more than a leech, feeding off the pity of others!" "NO! That's not true! Misao... Misao is strong! Misao is the strong one!" "Then it is Misa who is the weak! Poor Misa, who is so desperate to save someone that she can't stand to be alone. A walking paradox: always craving attention but always distancing herself with her personality. Wanting to be loved, but at the same time despising it. How pathetic both of them are." "No! I... Misa isn't the weak! She's, she's as strong as Misao! They're both strong, both so... so..." "They... are the weak." I don't know what to do next. A part of me wants to jump up and scream at her, but another part of me wants to run away and hide. I try so hard to decide, but the urge to do both is ripping me apart. Crying, I just drop to my knees and hug my shoulders. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I just... I just want to go home. Papa? "Why are you crying? You foolish little thing, don't you get it yet? Don't you understand?" I shake my head, my eyes staying focused on the vacant, white ground before me. Stuttering on my own words, I try to answer. "So... so I'm weaker than both of them...because... because I can't even decide which one I want to be. Both of them... they're both strong enough to decide... They're real... more real than me..." "Misa and Misao... they are real because they are two separate beings. You refuse to accept this reality, so you run from it, hiding yourself away in this limbo. In the real world, you have to choose, but here... here you can just sit and hide forever, because here you're not really real, so what does it matter if you can't decide." "But you said... you said that I wasn't real. You told me I was just a figment of your imagination. If that's the case then why would any of this matter? So what if I hide? After all, I don't exist." "Wrong!" The force of her words is enough to make me flinch. I look to her, my body trembling with fear and confusion. "You don't exist because I refuse to let you exit, because you are not a 'you'. Your definition of you is Misao Amano. Your definition of you is Pixy Misa. You seek to choose between two sides of a coin; both separate entities, but both equal as well. As long as you try to deny this, you'll forever be riding the edge of that coin." "Then... if I choose, then all this will be over. All I have to do is to choose between the two!" "NO! You just.... Don't... GET IT, DO YOU! Don't you understand yet? Misao and Misa are both separate, but they are both valid and true versions of the being known simply as you, I, myself, US! As long as you deny this fact, then you can never truly be real." "But you said it before! I don't exist!" "Only because you won't let yourself exist! You choose not to exist!" "But you said that I was only what you wanted me to be... and right now, I'm happy with that, because that means I can just stay here as long as I like. "You idiot! I define your existence because I am you! I am you and you are I! WE'RE THE SAME PERSON!!!" I freeze, her words sinking into my consciences like a lead weight. I am... she is myself? I struggle, trying to figure out her words in my mind. I try and I try, but I can't, and that only makes me want to cry some more. "But how can this be? I... I don't understand anymore! I just don't understand..." "I am the you of your soul. I am, to put it plainly, the 'you' which you subconscious knows to be true. Unfortunately, since you cannot realize the solution to your dilemma, I cannot have form. I can't be defined until you actually become a 'you'. Therefore, I guess that means we're both up the creek... that is... unless you decide to choose." "..." "Come on, choose. I haven't got all day. Who are you going to be?" "..." "You've got to decide. I mean, we can't go through life trapped inside this limbo we call a mind. Well, maybe you can, but I'd like to do some living before I die." "...I" Papa "Yes...yes go on..." "...I choose..." Papa I need you "Come on... just decide and all this will be over. Be careful what you say, though. "..." Do you remember? "After all, if you choose wrong..." "... I want..." We were happy, papa... "...we could be stuck here forever, but I know we won't be." "...I want..." We were strong "... and besides, we're better than that." "I am..." Papa, please... "So choose." "I am..." I am "Now." "...I am..." I don't want to be afraid anymore Papa. "DO IT!" Because you'll come back soon, and we'll all go home. I... "I CHOOSE NEITHER!!!!!!!!" I stand, and wiping the tears from my cheeks I face the me in the mist. Even though I can't see her, I know she is taken back by what I said. "I think I finally understand what you've been trying to tell me..." "Really? Well now, that would be a pleasant change. Go ahead, enlighten me. What have I been trying to drive home to that split little mind of yours?" "That I am both Misao and Misa. Both are real because both are me, but I cannot be Misao or Misa, because both are separate beings!" I take a step forward, and the mist at my feet seems to creep back as if... As if it were afraid of me. "It's like you said all along! I've been trying to convince myself that I had to be one or the other, but that... that's impossible!" I take another step forward, and as I do the mist around her/myself starts to recede. Therefore the me... the real me is neither Pixy Misa or Misao Amano! They were... they were something less than what I am! What I am now! I am their whole! I am the whole which they make up!" I hear my words and know that I am right. I know she knows too, because as I walk towards her, she backs away, her body trembling through the mist. I don't care anymore, though. I'm not scared of what she has to say to me... I'm... I'm not scared anymore! I'm not scared anymore! "The me... the real me... is Misao and Misa... but she's also her own self. Misao and Misa are two separate people, but they only exist because I was too scared to admit who I really was!" "And... and... who are you?" "I am me! I really am the real me! You said it yourself! I only existed like this because you wanted me to exist like this! You wanted me to realize that I had no reason to hide from myself! I... I AM ME!!!" "And... who is 'me'?" I smile at her as the last traces of her begin to fade away. In our hearts, we both know the answer. "Me... is whoever I chose to be." And just like that, the mist clears and the other me vanishes before I can get a chance to look at her face. It doesn't matter, though. I already know... she looks just like me. *** parT 4 "What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies." -Aristotle *** There she is. I didn't think I'd ever see her again, but just a few seconds ago she appeared through the mist, giving me the same expression I'm giving her. I feel like I should say something, but I don't know what. I can tell she wants to too, but we just can't think of anything. I guess we already know what the other is thinking. I know. I know everything she knows, and vice versa. I can see now that we'll always be something less to one another, something that's not quite whole. Maybe we would be better off without each other, but at the same time, we ARE one another. This hurts too much to think about. I want to end this, to lock us away from the world and just forget that any of this happened. I want to know that I'll never be forced to be strong or weak or anything ever again. I'm tired of living up to other people's ideals about what I should be. I just want to get on with it, to know that it truly is over. She does too, I know it. That's why she's here. When Sasami destroyed the demon inside of us, I realized that the magic was merely something that had been inside of us from the beginning. I saw myself, free for the first time, yet already giving up what had been won. I think we both knew that this wasn't the way to go. Misa is Misao and Misao is Misa. Where one is strong, the other is weak. Where one would go forward, the other lingers behind. I don't want to be a part of this anymore. If I go forward or backwards, I want it to be a choice that this me would make, not that one. It feels odd, knowing that I'll never see her again. Granted, she is a part of me, but that doesn't mean that we're not as separate as we are equal. After this, we as a we will never exist again. Well, at least not as we know how to exist. We finally admitted the truth about who we were, but that fact still frightens me. It's kind of funny, though. I never thought we'd part ways by joining in such a fashion. Still... I can't help but wonder though, as we go our "separate ways", if she doesn't feel bad about this. There was a time long ago when we needed this relationship to be strong, to be happy. I'm not sure if we will be or not, but I know that this is for the best. "Who is Pixy Misa?" Who said that? Was it her? Me? I'm not sure. I move to answer, but all I can do is look at the person across from me. I suddenly realize that I can't tell us apart anymore. I don't know which one is which, but I do know this; the act has been dropped. No more, "I'm better than you are" being tossed back and forth. There is no "better". We are we, and that is all that matters now. I look to her, and I know that she knows the answer just as well as I do. I think we just had to figure it out for ourselves. We open our mouths, and both say in a single voice, "She is me, and I am her." Around us, the darkness feels as close as ever. I see her fading away, her outline becoming dim in mist that wasn't there a moment ago. I don't want to leave her, but I think that this might be the best course of action. She was something less than myself after all, but on the other hand, I am something less of her as well. With a breath, she's gone from sight. I'd say I'd miss her, but in the end, she's right here, after all. "See you soon..." *** Pixy Misa, Misao Amano, Pretty Sammy and Sasami belong to Pioneer, TV Tokyo and AIC All C&C should go to BGlanders@aol.com www.geocities.com/tokyo/gulf/6417