Pay The Price Chapter 2:  Cycles

Another Story from: Happy Cabbit Konai.


(Arigato Gozaimasu Ryoko's Heart, Nemesys-sama, and the guy who
e-mailed me with a lot of numbers after his name.  Support/suggestions
are good, welcome, and gosh darnit, just nice!)


MANDATORY DISCLAIMER:  Well…it's been at least a month or
two, and I still don't own the rights to Tenchi.  But, my plan has not yet
achieved fruition…yeesss…  Umm..I mean, I don't own any of the
people used in this story, I'm just writing a story about these made up
characters that I don't own.  However, the ideas in this story besides the
character are pretty much mine…so don't plagiarize, please.


		 "There's something cold and blank…
		Behind her smile.
		She's standing on the overpass
		On a miracle mile.
		Cause you were from a perfect world…
		A world that threw me away today.
		Today.
		To run away…
		A pill to make you numb,
		A pill to make you dumb,
		A pill to make you anybody else,
		But all the drugs in this world,
		Won't save her from herself."
                  		-M. Manson, "Coma White"

Phase I: DENIAL

I wrapped myself up in my dreams and my blanket, and wept.  It had
been a long, long, day.  One I'd like to forget.  I filled another bowl
with the clear liquid, the stench causing my nostrils to involuntarily
widen for a moment.  I pushed down every thought…every emotion..
every sensation my body screamed at me, held my breath…and gulped.

Welcome warmth was absorbed through my stomach and spread out
slowly through my body, which became heavier and duller by the second.

I felt the grief and the alcohol meet and strengthen each other, and I wept
harder.  I forced myself to close my eyes and relive the events earlier on 
in
the day…again and again in my head.  I had to.  I had to…punish myself.

Eyes.  Sword.  Mouth.  Blood….

Blood.  Mouth.  Sword.  Eyes…

Which of those sights just a few hours ago had left more crisscrossed
scars across my heart than the rest?

I pondered the question for a second, momentarily and mercifully filling my
head with the duller thoughts of regret instead of hurt for one fleeting
moment…

But that was not a question I needed to concentrate hard on to know…
I knew the answer before I'd asked It…


It was his eyes…the way his eyes had…

I growled, shouted, and threw my bowl across the room all in one swift
motion.

There was no question our love would have been pure.  There was no
question we would have been happy.  His words, his eyes…

"Why…does it do this?  Why does everything..."  My sigh sang through
the room.

  *Behind me, behind me…It's watching me…judging me..*.   Already I
could feel it's horrid gaze burning holes into my back and the clothes 
there.
I couldn't run.  Not this time.  Tenchi hadn't…

  I span around, staring directly into my reflection's eyes in the mirror.  
My
very own witness, judge, jury, and prosecutor…

"It's just not fair!  Why?  Why did this happen?  How could this have
happened?  This couldn't have happened…"  I raged at the violet haired,
blurry eyed creature unhappily returning my stare and copying my mouth
movements, word for word.

"How could I have…killed him?"

*******************************************************


Ayeka had ran to her room the second she realized just how right she was
calling me a monster day in and day out…and I really couldn't blame her.
I'd run and hide from me too if I could.

I'd tried so hard to win Tenchi that I'd  never realized how I'd been 
hurting
him or my adopted family the whole time-until my eagerness to win had
claimed another casualty, and one I could never forget.

And so I sat there in my favorite quiet spot by the lake, thinking as deeply
as I drank.  Wondering…  Crying…  I'd never thought it would end like 
this...
I never wanted it to end like this.

I kept telling myself it was a complete accident…but how could I be sure?
I filled another bowl.  Silently, a stray tear fell down my face, caressing 
my
cheek softly as it dropped off my chin and into the drink.  For a second, I
had imagined it was him, his fingers lightly brushing against my cheek…
That was why my pulse had quickened…The way I'd always wanted it to
happen.

I shuddered.

I clutched the bowl tighter and drained it.

I shuddered again.

I closed my arms around myself and fought against the cold inside of me.

"I loved you…" I whispered quietly, and another tear formed itself at the
inside of my left eye.  I blinked it back, then closed my eyes and let the
dreams come of how things were not too long ago….and how they could
have been.  Not the way they were now.

Sasami was cheerfully cooking something in the kitchen inbetween empty
threats directed at a carrot-hungry Ryo-ohki.  I didn't know what it was
she was making, but I did know it smelt good…..(Not scrubbing the stains
of my crime away, hoping her tears and the rug cleaner would finally
remove the dark crimson from the carpet while Ryo-ohki just hid in the
corner…)

  Ayeka was yelling at me for existing, relying on her logs to back up every
one of her otherwise docile threats…..(Not killing herself too with that
bottle in her room, rocking the pain away…)

  Washu was tapping away madly at her keyboard, dreaming up better
ways to do everything, seeking the elusive mathematical equation for
happiness….. (Not shaking her head slowly back and forth over Tenchi's
corpse,  wondering how to make Tenchi look at least a little less dead for
the upcoming funeral.)

  Mihoshi and Kiyone were off somewhere deep in space, Kiyone carefully
scheming and dreaming up new ways to get her promotion for hours on end
while Mihoshi masterfully destroyed every one of those chances in seconds.
(Not in the onsen debating over what degree of manslaughter I had just
committed…)

  Father was in his "study" watching his favorite episode of La Blue Girl in
slow motion, controller at the ready to press stop at any second in case
one of us decided to open his door before knocking again…. (Not sitting
traditional-style before that damn altar thing he'd built in his son's honor 
in
the house, barely moving, barely breathing, and certainly not eating)

  And Grandpa…he was meditating on the quickest way to world peace
this week, his bokken hidden and unused…(Not furiously slashing through
the air with the wooden sword, flashing form to form, position to position,
madly fighting off his thoughts to save his own life or at least his mind…)

  And I…I half-smiled as I caught a sob on its way out.  I would have
been dreaming of the perfect day my ears would hear Tenchi say those
three words to me….

"I love you." I whispered.

  I finished my drink in one gulp and bowed my head in my hands, letting
the tears come.
************************************************************************
Phase II-ANGER

  Life…is a gift.  It is also a curse.  I had known that for some time 
before
I finished the large bottle…but somehow, I had never seemed to truly
realize just what that meant until the bottle was empty.  It made so much
more sense.

  "I should be grateful I was born thish way…"  I stared at the teary,
bloodshot eyed wreck staring back at me, caressing my left arm with the
back of my right hand.

  "A beautiful princess…"

   I burped and giggled all at once, clutching my chest as my laughter grew.

  *It's funny, really….*

  Slowly my center of balance shifted to my right side, so I leaned my head
and shoulders to the left, just a little too far.

  I heard a small crashing noise and my skull ached slightly, barely in my
realm of feeling.  When I realized it was my body falling off the chair that
had made that noise, I laughed even harder.

  *I know something she doesn't know* a sing song voice taunted with me
in my head as I struggled to get up and sit down.  I stopped laughing and
looked up thoughtfully towards my brain as I felt the thoughts come.
*I've always held power before, over an entire planet and its people, my
sister and myself included.*  A grin cracked its way across my face.

  *And now I hold power over one of the strongest beings in the universe.*

  I threw the nearby dark purple quilt over me and savored the feeling…of
absolute triumph.  We had both lost the fight, but I would still win the 
war.
I sat, Indian style, my head swaying slightly from side to side as I let the 
joy
of pure, unadulterated victory fill me.

  "You've done so many things to me…shall I choose to set you free?"  I
laughed in mad joy at my little rhyme as I clutched the blanket a little 
tighter
and imagined what would happen if I never told Ryoko what I knew.  The
information that could save her soul…and, quite possibly, her life.
************************************************************************
Phase III:  Depression

  It took me a while to realize my eyes had opened.  I stared straight
ahead towards the roof above me, struggling to come to terms with the
fact I was still alive.  I didn't move, didn't blink…even when the silent 
tears
fell, my chest slowly rising and falling.  My left arm fell slowly further 
and
further down the edge of the couch, then limply hung there.

  "Ryoko!  Oh thank Kami you woke up!"

  A voice?  One I knew.  I struggled through the haze in my mind to match
a name to that pretty little voice, but had my question answered for me by a
worried face crowned with blue hair hovering over me, wiping my forehead
with a cool cloth.

  "Sa…sa….mi.."

  "There there Ryoko"  she cooed, her voice a few seconds out of sync
with her lip movements.  "I found you collapsed out by the lake, so I
brought you in here,"

  She grinned honestly at me, the way only she could.  There was not a
trace of regret on her face for her actions.

  "I think you'll be okay…everything's going to be okay…"

  I smiled in spite of myself.  "Thankss"

  "You just rest now"

  So I did.
***********************************************************************
  Why Ryoko would punish herself like she did…well, It was kinda hard
for me to imagine.

  I knew she didn't mean to do…what she did..to Tenchi.  She couldn't
have.

  And I told her so, while she writhed there unconscious on the couch,
spouting a few slurred words I couldn't arrange into real sentences.

  "I saw how you looked at Tenchi, Ryoko…I know you'd do anything
for him."

  I dipped the cloth in a small bucket of cold water next to the bed and
slowly patted around her face, careful not to let the liquid run into her
eyes.

  "You'd kill for him,"

  The realization of what I had just said dawned on me, and I burst out
in tears.
***********************************************************************
Phase 4:  Acceptance

  *I…I killed him*

  **What!?**

  *Well, he's dead now, isn't he?*

  **You saw who the real murderer was…**

  *Yes…and I see her face even now…and every other time I look in the
mirror*

  **…**

  *I didn't stop her.*

  **Neither could a hundred GP battlecraft**

  *No, I could have stopped her.  Only, I didn't*

  **It all happened so quickly though…**

  *Yes…but you must remember, I knew she was shit to begin with…I've
known it for years.  I've seen her face on wanted posters in every system
I've ever been to…but had he? I knew who.., no, what, she really was all
along…*

  **What's your point?**

  *She doesn't sleep very often…but passes out more than often enough..
often enough for me to have done it quite easily.*

  **Kill her?**

  *She killed Tenchi.*

  **Yes, well her blade did……you did not**

  *Wrong…I killed him too…by sparing her.*

  **You did what you did for the right reasons.  You knew she was a
troublemaker….but a murderer?  Hardly, dear princess.**

  *And what about not making myself known while I just watched her…
torture him?  If I had just cleared my throat…or sneezed…*

  **……….Enough with the lack of royal involuntary bodily functions,
you're jumping around…let's destroy this guilt one crime at a time,
please**

  *You're not helping, you know*

  **Then why are you telling me all this?**

  *….*

  **Because I'm you, that's why.**

  *Just because you're in my head doesn't make you me!*

  **Well, you saw through my act…truth is …I am God!! I'm everywhere
and nowhere!**

  *?!?!?!?!?!?*

  **Just kidding…**

  *Hehe…I never knew the voices in my head could have senses of
humor.*

  **….You see, Ayeka?  That's why I'm worried about you.  Do sane
people think things like that in their normal heads?**

  *Sane women don't have to put up with obnoxious people like you in
their head…*

  **Exactly.**

  *Now you're the one jumping around…what are you anyway?
Honestly.*

  **Well, technically…I'm a part of you…that part of you that lets you
know how stupid you were to do the idiotic and honest things you did
while drunk once you finally sober up..**

  *Aaaaah…but I'm still drunk*

  **Tsk tsk, princess.**

  *Shut up.*

  **No.  Tell me, how has getting drunk helped you tonight?**

  *…*

  **Sure, you feel happy at the start of your escape…but before you can
blissfully pass out, something reminds you of the very thing you were
running from and then you're more depressed than ever.  And if by some
chance, fate should decide to smile upon you and leave you thoughtless,
mindless, and happy through your adventure…it all comes crashing down
around you when you sober up**

  *Just shut up!*

  **Just sober up!**

  *And just why should I take advice from some stray voice in my head?
How do I know you're not just a collection of independent thoughts, all
exceptions from my typical brand of thinking and thus speaking with a
kind of voice?*

  **I could very well be…you know, you think amazingly well for someone
half passed out, princess**

  *SHUT UP!*

  **No.  Not until you realize how foolish your plan is**

  *Foolish?  Try perfect…*

  **Well, you would get your revenge..bittersweet as blood…**

  *Blood…blood…his blood…*

  **…but at what price?**

  *What price we all pay for that which is truly dear to us…*

  **Musing to ourselves, are we?**

  *No…I'm just having a nice conversation with one of the voices in my
head…*

  **She's lost it…**

  *Who are you talking to?*

  **Oh…one of the voices inside my head**

  *Are you mocking us?*

  **No princess, I'm mocking you.**

  *SHUT UP!*

  **NO.**

  *SHUT UP!  For the last time, shut up!  Please!*

  **For the last time, NO.  You're weak and stupid.  Look inside and
see just what inbreeding has done to your mighty people.**

  *How dare you!*

  **How dare I not?  Look at you…crying over a squashed bug like
him…a weak, cringing, coward to the very end.**

  *Please…shut up…*

  **Drinking yourself to death because your cowardice was almost as
great as his…**

  *Please…*

  **You never got to tell him you loved him, did you?**

  *…*

  **Even his so-called murderer redeemed that privelege…and more, as
you well know…**

  *NO!*

  **Maybe you should've killed him.  At least then you'd get to see what
a stupid, simple, and silly little thing like your first kiss with a person 
you
love is like**

  *You…*

  **No, you…**

  *……*

  **I am you**

  *…….*

  **And damn ashamed of it, too.  You threw it all away.  Y'know, true
love doesn't just present itself to you every day.  Your hesitation was your
happiness's death sentence.  And she was the executioner**

  *She…she…did this…*

  **You'll kill her, then?**

  *No.  Death is a release.  I want her to feel what I feel…tenfold, and
forever.*  Ayeka half-smiled.

  **Ahhh…for you know what she does not know…**

  *Yes…what will destroy her…and when I'm done, she'll wish she'd
killed herself when she still had the chance*

  **So you will let her live.**

  *Yes.  Living is much harder.*

  **You should know.**

  *Not for long…*

  **You wouldn't go that far, would you?**

  *Not unless I have to, I suppose.*

  **You're damned to living too, y'know.**

  *You'd think so, wouldn't you?*

  **What about Sasami?**

  *…..*

  **Your judgmental parents?**

  *…..*

  **Your relatives?  Your subjects?  Your very people?**

  *…..*

  **Won't you live for them, if not yourself?**

  *…..*

  **Hmmm…then you'll let her know who really killed him?**

  *Yes…who really killed him…and made me a murderer in turn.*

   **You're so damn petty**

  *Isn't there an "r" somewhere in that last word?  Or am I so drunk that I
misunderstood you?*

  **Hmmm…you're getting a little too coherent for me.  Y'know, there's
another bottle hidden under your bed that's only half empty**

  *A grand idea…*
********************************************************
  Somewhere in Tokyo, a girl ran a comb through her soft and short raven
hair for the two hundred and fifty third time.  She laid the comb down.
Sitting uneasily in front of her vanity, smiling wanly at the little thing 
in the
mirror, she was glad that she at least looked better than she felt.  Her 
pulse
quickened as she glanced toward the clock, spurring the squatter hand there
onward to the eight with her eager eyes.  She found her mind wandering and
she bit her lower lip softly…wandering towards him, of course.  His visage
was ever-present in her mind, and she wouldn't have it any other way.

  When the eighth hour came and died without a single noise outside her
apartment door, she started to pace back and forth in front of her mirror,
practicing the uncaring laugh she'd give him when he'd come in with whatever
excuse he had as to why he was late.

  When the ninth hour came and went…she began to wonder what was
detaining him.  Her mind conjured up explanations which she slowly
dismissed one by one for some reason or another… usually because he
would have called her if the theory was true…wouldn't he?

  She finally got the courage to call his apartment half an hour later.  Her
heart jumped into her throat when she heard his voice say "hello" on the
other line…and fell into her gut when he continued with "I'm not home right
now…".

  She left a brief but caring message before she hung up.  Then she picked
up the phone and threw it against the wall.  She screamed and pulled the
pearls he had bought specifically for her to wear tonight off her neck with
one quick tug, then threw those against the wall too.

  Finally, she threw herself against the wall, her back making a loud noise
as it struck the wood.  Slowly, she let her weight fall, back against the 
wall,
legs buckling.  Sitting now, her legs sprawled in different directions, she
stared blankly at the calendar across from her…

  And on that calendar, under the black and white picture of a popular local
restaurant, was the word "February" printed in large ornate letters.  And
somewhere below that, lay a block with a smallish "14" inside of it neatly
circled with red lipstick.

  Somewhere in the distance, a distinctly feminine voice laughed…



		"A loved one laid his head in her lap...
		red roses fall to the floor...
		And her world...
		Stood Still"
			M. Manson "Coma Black"


--Well, that's it for part 2, hope you don't kill m...I mean, hope you liked 
it!
Send all feedback to happycabbitkonai@hotmail.com..c&c is good and
much appreciated.