[Disclaimer:  Tenchi Muyo! and its characters are the
property of AIC and Pioneer LDC, Inc. and was created by
Masaki Kajishima.  This story comes entirely from my
imagination, and is strictly intended to be apocryphal--so
please don't sue me.]

NOTE:

This is a kind of apocryphal OVA-style Kiyone of my own
design.  This was originally posted a while ago on
ForeverTenchiFanFiction@egroups.com, where I've been
posting my own little saga.

KRAZY KIYONE
************

Chapter 1:  The Errand

     An early-morning sigh of disgust came a cappella from
Tenchi as he looked out his window over the balcony of his
spacious third-floor bedroom.

     "Damn," he muttered.  "I really need to get out and
have some fun."

     He could hear some shrill voices--the "devil-woman" and
"that princess."  Naturally, they were fighting.  I wonder
what they fight about? he asked himself.  Not that it
matters, he answered himself.  Those two are so impossible!
How I put up with them--!

     "Tenchi..." came his father's voice.  "I need you to go
run an errand."

     He sighed again.  Another errand.  What else?

     "Oh well," he told himself.  "It's better than
listening to that racket.  Maybe this 'll be fun."

***

     As Tenchi strolled down the front stairway to the
foyer, he happened to notice Mihoshi, talking with Sasami.

     "I wasn't eavesdropping," Sasami explained.  "I was
just resting against the door."

     "Oh, right--" Mihoshi snorted.

     Little Sasami gaped, prettily, and looked up.  "Hello,
Tenchi."

     Mihoshi gaped, vacantly, and added, "Good morning,
Tenchi.  Isn't it a lovely day?"

     Tenchi absently frowned for a moment, then said,
politely, "Oh... he, he, yeah."  He began scratching his
head nervously--an old habit he was aware of, but
nonetheless could never refrain from making.

     "You are a lier!" came an angry accusation from the
pretty, wafer-thin princess.

     "I tell you," answered the well-curved, spiky-haired
devil-woman, "You are so wrong!"

     Tenchi looked down, stopping in his descent for a
moment to notice that Ayeka and Ryoko were approaching from
the hallway.  Ryoko was floating, her tail twitching like an
irritated cat.  Tenchi flinched in anticipation and began to
hurry down the stairs again.

     Ryoko suddenly appeared in front of him, her tail
suddenly wagging like a retarded puppy.  "Tenchi, my love,"
she said, saucily, fingering his chest.  "Who's right?  I
said that bus schedule was green--she said it was really
blue.  Really!  A blue bus schedule?  What kind of nonsense
is that?"

     Ayeka tugged on his arm, suddenly insisting, "Green?
How can you confuse green for blue!  It's absurd!  Really,
Ryoko!  You need to have your eyes checked."

     Ryoko yanked him the other way.  "What difference does
it make?  It's not like you earn your keep around here.
What do you care what a bus schedule looks like?  I say you
should have your brain examined!"

     Tenchi rolled his eyes, supremely annoyed, as Little
Washu suddenly appeared behind both of them.  "Forget a bus
schedule, Tenchi!  What you need is a motorized flying
carpet."  She brandished a roll of cloth in his face.  "Now,
this baby will go from zero to sixty in two-point-four
seconds."

     On and on, it went, as Tenchi sighed.  He'd lose track,
of course.  A young man with a more tempermental disposition
might have exploded with annoyance or played along with one
of them just to shut them up, but Tenchi was not that way.
Somewhere in his heart, he always found a way to give them
room, and just say all right...  Fine...  Just let them be
that way.

     He'd look around, and notice Mihoshi staring vacantly--
apparently unobservant, but always absorbing--like a
machine.  Then he would notice the pretty little Sasami--
staring with half naive wonder and half amused sympathy...
A disconcerting contradiction among a mass of contradictions
that defined the little princess.  Her gaze, he avoided most
of all.

     "Oh, uh," he said, hurriedly.  "Sorry, but I've got to
run.  I've got an errand.  Bye!"

***

     As Tenchi approached the gate of the surrounding fence,
he took a bicycle and strolled through.  He tried not to
notice the two log-like, Juraian guardians--Azaka and
Kamidake.  He strolled past, and they greeted him.  He
politely returned a greeting and was about to mount the bike
when he looked down, pleasantly surprised.

     "Oh, Ryo-Ohki," he said.  "Nice to see you, this
morning."

     At his feet was a curious creature--half cat and half
something he wasn't sure he wanted to know.  He sincerely
hoped it was something like a rabbit.  Ryo-Ohki's love of
carrots seemed to support that theory, and that was good
enough for him...

     Ryo-Ohki meowed in her curious way, evidently making a
kind of greeting.  He picked her up and petted her for a
moment, charmed by her precociously exotic nature.  "Hey
there, girl.  You keep an eye on the others, okay?  Make
sure nothing happens to them.  I'm counting on you."

     As he set her down, Ryo-Ohki looked up at him
reassuringly for a moment, then scurried along toward the
house.  It never seemed to bother him that the creature
always seemed to know what he was saying.  It didn't even
bother him that his peculiar request was met with such
humanoid-like certainty.  Tenchi was as sure of her as he
was of his own right arm.

     Tenchi rolled along on his bicycle, a very light and
airy mood in his heart.

***

     Later that morning, he was returning with a few books
and a bag of greeting cards when he looked up and noticed a
shooting-star.  At least, that's what it appeared to be.

     To his horror, the star turned in a rather nauseating
manner and came directly toward him.

     "Oh, no!" he exclaimed grimly, peddling faster.

     Several explosions lifted earth and dust into the air
all around him, and he could almost swear he heard some
goofy laughter.  The bike underneath him twisted like a
thing possessed and threw him--tolerating his abusing
peddling no longer.

     As Tenchi flew toward the ground, he spun a little
sideways--trying not to notice that the star was actually
some machine that looked very familiar...

     He yelled, unable to contain himself as he rolled along
the path.  Bruised and shaken, but otherwise in perfect
condition, he lifted himself and gently raised his wounded
bike.  It was dented and not as proud a conveyance as
before, but it would continue to ride.  He found his books
and bag, and he grimly rolled down the path once again.

     As he biked along, he could not help but imagine that
Ryoko had spent the morning drinking, and then hijacked
Mihoshi's Galaxy Police cruiser for a little joy-ride.

     Thus, he began to mutter, "Ryoko...  What the hell were
you thinking?"

***

Chapter 2:  A Watery Encounter

     Ryoko had indeed spent the morning drinking--but her
sake ministrations were spent in the loving embrace of a
pool within the mysterious floating hot springs.  She
brazenly leaned back and closed her eyes, making certain
with one hand of her platter of sake bottles.

     Just as she was about to hit the bombs-away threshold,
she was annoyed to discover the entryway opening.  The
gangly form of the Juraian princess appeared shadowy in the
entrace for a moment, clothed in requisite towel.  Ryoko's
annoyance turned to amusement, as Ayeka nearly tripped over
her own feet, then slowed to a proper pace.

     Ayeka briefly deigned to notice Ryoko, then found a
pool in a more secluded part of the onsen.  Ayeka returned
briefly to abscond with one of Ryoko's bottles of sake.

     It was like a dance, of course.  One of them would make
some presumption, like an invitation.  The other would
retaliate, and so on.  They were like two kittens batting
each other about the muzzles with padded paws--their quips
and jibes like playful scratching and biting.

     To refuse such an invitation would be an insult,
because it would allow an uncomfortable window of
misinterpretation to open--a rather kinky one that neither
one would allow without a well-thrown fist to the face.

     The only question was how to retaliate.  Ryoko, a
creature sensitive to the demands of irony and poetic
justice, would retaliate in the most appropriate manner she
could conceive.  With this lofty goal in mind, she
subsequently discovered Ayeka's chosen retreat and dumped a
bottle of sake on her head.  She cackled briefly and made
a witty remark:

     "Want some more?  I think I have a few more bottles..."

     Ayeka was about to make some witty retort when she
gasped and hid herself with her hands--although still
wrapped in a towel.

     Ryoko, seemingly unaware of her nakedness, looked
around casually to discover that the entryway was opening.
She scowled a bit in annoyance and flickered into a realm of
teleportation--not far from where one goes when bombed by
sake.

     Mihoshi appeared in the entrance, covered decently by a
towel, as well.  She looked down and discovered the platter
of sake bottles, and was about to make off with one when a
loud explosion shook through the floating complex.  Mihoshi
nearly keeled over from the trembling of the ground floating
beneath her feet, and looked up to see Ryoko.

     Ryoko looked alarmed and a little taken aback that
suspicious eyes were turning her way.  She pouted a bit, as
if to suggest that a beautiful, naked, floating woman was
above reproach.  She then flickered back into her realm, to
investigate this mysterious occurrence.

     Ayeka, more alarmed than Ryoko, fled from the pools,
out the entrance.  Mihoshi stared after Ayeka for a few
moments, then entered the pools.  She sighed and got
comfortable.

     Mihoshi was about to take some sake for herself when
Ryoko appeared again and took the platter, immediately
disappearing with the bottles.  Mihoshi sighed in
disappointment and returned to her relaxing.

***

     Ryoko reappeared--almost decently dressed, in her
battle uniform--at the edge of a crater nearby.  She looked
down into the end of the huge smoky footprint to see a
battered and scarred chunk of gleaming metal.  What might
have once been a spacecraft was clearly nothing more than
heaps of junk.

     A figure in a GP uniform crawled out from under the
wreckage, moaning softly.  As Ryoko looked on in nothing
short of amazement, the figure staggered on all fours to the
edge of the crater and stood, swaying a bit.

     The figure nearly fell back into the crater, but Ryoko
caught it by the shoulder.  The figure then grasped Ryoko's
arm, gratefully, and went to a nearby tree.

     Ryoko pondered, perhaps thinking that the figure merely
needed to rest under a tree, as the figure stood next to the
tree--as if to hear some scandalous rumor.  The figure
braced itself stiffly and then swiftly hit the tree with its
shoulder, producing a soft and mournful-sounding click.

     Witnessing this with wide-eyed amusement, Ryoko
suddenly flinched in sympathy to see the figure testing its
shoulder, then removing the helmet.  The figure was a fairly
attractive--but somewhat ordinary--looking woman with a
sheepish look, greenish raven hair and a rather jaded, devil-
may-care smirk.

     She looked down, rubbing her shoulder, and coughed a
few times.

     Ryoko seemed about to ask something, but the figure
raised her hands in caution, saying softly, "No, no, no.
Don't say anything.  It'll spoil the surprise."

     "Surprise?" Ryoko wondered.

     The figure looked up at the floating hot springs and
gestured.  "That's Mihoshi up in there, right?"

     "Yeah," Ryoko replied.  "So?"

     The figure smiled, grimly, and rubbed her hands.
"That's terrific," she added softly.  "She'll just freak
out.  I know."

     Ryoko looked somewhat torn, in spite of herself.  She
seemed to be pondering whether to feel curious or cautious.

***

     Mihoshi sleepily relaxed in the pools, as the figure
emerged through the entrance, very swiftly.  The figure
quickly put Mihoshi in a headlock, holding her tight.

     "I've got a vicious criminal, here!" the figure
declared.  "Don't move, or I'll hit you with the stun gun!"

     Ryoko looked on, vaguely amazed, as the figure held a
squirming Mihoshi at the edge of the pool.  The figure
laughed and continued laughing as Mihoshi shrieked and broke
the hold.

     "That's not very funny!" Mihoshi protested.  "You
could really hurt someone doing that!"

     The figure cackled with laughter as Ryoko approached,
very confused, but amused.  She gestured and asked, "Hey,
Mihoshi.  Who is this fruitcake?"

     Mihoshi glared at the figure for a moment, then rubbed
her neck, explaining, "Oh, that's just Kiyone."

     "Anyone I should know?" Ryoko wondered.

     "Just my old partner," Mihoshi added.  "She's always
pulling stunts like this--"

     "Old partner!" Kiyone objected.  "I'm still your
partner, you nitwit!"

     "No, you're not!" Mihoshi protested.  "I went solo when
I got demoted for this reassignment.  I don't need a partner
--and I'd have to be crazy to want you for a partner!"

     "Oh, come on," Kiyone chided her.  "One little mishap,
and I'm branded for life..."

     "Forget it!" Mihoshi shrieked.

     "Mishap?" Ryoko asked Kiyone.

     "Yeah," Kiyone explained.  "Some virus escaped from a
lab, and Mihoshi went ballistic.  So, I kept it a secret for
a little while...  Big deal!"

     "We were in quarantine for months!" Mihoshi complained.
"No way, am I your partner again!"

     Kiyone chuckled, "She always says that.  I just love
working with Mihoshi.  She has such a zest for life."

     "I'm lucky to be alive!" Mihoshi said.  "You're
suicidal, Kiyone."

     "Only if the shrink ever finds out," Kiyone added,
smoothly.

     Mihoshi scowled, determined, as Kiyone smiled--a little
sardonically.  Mihoshi complained, "You remember what
happened to your last partner?"

     "Do I ever..."  Kiyone trembled in feigned disgust.

     Ryoko blinked and looked back and forth between the
two, suddenly wondering which one was more annoying.

***

Chapter 3:  A Nice, Quiet Dinner

     Mihoshi was clearly more annoyed around the table, when
Kiyone kept insisting that she was innocent of anything
untoward that morning.

     "No, no," Kiyone explained.  "There was some
instrumentation failure.  My finger got stuck on the
trigger."

     "That was you?" Tenchi exclaimed, surprised.

     "Wha--?" Kiyone wondered, unaware of her confession.

     "I told you," Ryoko snapped.  "I always get blamed when
anything goes wrong.  Who comes to the rescue, whenever
someone gets in trouble, huh?  Me!"

     Kiyone chuckled, waving her hands.  "No, wait a minute.
It wasn't instrument failure--it was a fire in the cockpit.
I was trying to put it out, and all hell was breaking
loose."

     Sasami smirked, indulgently.  Ayeka rolled her eyes as
Ryoko and Tenchi glared at Kiyone, a little venomously.

     "An earthquake?" Kiyone offered.

     This admission made Sasami gasp, briefly, then start
roaring with laughter.  Ayeka could hardly suppress a smirk
of her own.  Mihoshi's frown turned dark, like she was
deeply mortified.  She merely glanced at Kiyone with
annoyance, and Kiyone relented.

     "All right, all right," Kiyone admitted.  "It was me.
Hey, I was just having fun.  My finger really did get stuck
on the trigger, though."

     Tenchi narrowed his eyes, and frowned.  "Somehow, I
doubt that."

     Sasami took a moment between her bouts of laughter to
offer a thought, "I could just see you, Kiyone.  'Now, how
do you lift those flaps, again?  Oh, damn!  My finger is
stuck!'"  She continued howling in laughter.  Ryoko smiled,
then started to chuckle, as well.  Ayeka grimaced, nearly
laughing herself, then chided them.

     "Really," Ayeka protested, "this is very rude of you,
Sister.  That devil-woman has been giving you bad habits."

     Sasami calmed for a moment, looking somewhat
apologetic.  "Oh, sorry, Ayeka.  Just having fun."

     Tenchi suddenly smiled and added, "Yeah, Sasami.  Don't
be rude.  Anyway, she'd have probably said, 'Take that,
bicycle-boy!  Oh no!  My finger is stuck!  Argh!'"  Tenchi
began chuckling, and suddenly Sasami and Ryoko howled in
laughter.  Inexplicably, Kiyone joined in the laughter, as
if to suggest the plausibility of this scenario.

     Mihoshi sighed, a curiously serious look on her face,
as she considered all this amusement.  That Sasami would be
its chief instrument seemed to confound her the most,
because you could almost see a hint of disappointment on
Mihoshi's face as she glanced back and forth between Sasami
and Kiyone.

***

Chapter 4:  The Messy Aftermath

     Sasami and Mihoshi were left to clean up the dishes, as
usual.  Sometimes, Tenchi would help--other times, the
combination of these two would be even too much for his
gentle disposition, and he would skulk off to do some other,
more 'serious' chore or two.

     There could hardly be a more serious chore than
watching the moon, sweeping up cherry blossoms or indulging
Ryoko and Ayeka's playful fisticuffs--unless you saw the
look in Sasami's eyes that suggested that more than just a
little girl was expecting you to help out.

     Therefore, so inclined, Tenchi took up his standard
position as master of the towel while Sasami washed, and
Mihoshi rinsed.

     It seemed a little awkward, with most of the kitchen
crammed into one corner--the sink, the range and a plate
rack right next to each other with a cutting board in
between.  The three were accustomed to this arrangement,
standing shoulder-to-shoulder to work in tandem.

     Quite unexpectedly, Kiyone stood at the entrance to the
kitchen, rubbing her shoulder.  The others looked around at
her in some surprise, as Kiyone scowled in pain and strolled
casually toward them.

     "Hey, guys," she said, softly, "I just wanted to say...
Thanks, for helping out, this morning...  I lost control
there right before I slammed into the ground."

     "You lose control a little faster than that," Mihoshi
corrected.  "We nearly crashed so many times, I lost count."

     "Yeah," Kiyone agreed, smilingly, "but I always took
the pilot's seat."

     "Only because you always took it from me," Mihoshi shot
back.

     "You really think I'm a bad pilot?" Kiyone wondered.

     Sasami gaped in curious wonder, as Mihoshi frowned.
Tenchi simply pondered, unable to consider a comment.

     "Oh, who am I kidding?" Kiyone admitted.  "You're
right.  I stink at flying.  You were always better, Mihoshi.
You just fly way too damn slow!"

     "No, I don't!" Mihoshi protested.

     Kiyone merely chuckled, looking at Tenchi, a little
curiously.  Tenchi was a little flustered, perhaps thinking
that an adult had suddenly started playing in their little
sandbox.

     "Hey," Kiyone directed herself to Tenchi, "I hope I
didn't bruise you too bad, this morning.  I like to play a
little rough, though."

     "It was nothing," Tenchi dismissed, a little awkwardly.

     "No, no," Kiyone corrected, "I was way out of line.  I
wouldn't be surprised if you were angry with me."

     "Really," Tenchi insisted.  "It was just a few dents
and scratches.  Nothing to apologize about."

     Mihoshi looked warningly at Tenchi as Sasami suddenly
started to frown, a little confused.

     "Come on," Kiyone protested, "I want you to do
something.  Punch me, kid.  Just hit me right here..."  She
offered her other shoulder.

     Mihoshi muttered to herself as Sasami suddenly smiled
and said, "Do it, Tenchi.  Hit her really hard!"

     Kiyone chuckled as Tenchi frowned, refusing to oblige
Kiyone's request.  She then proclaimed, "Hey.  I like this
guy.  He's pretty cool, huh?"

     "Tenchi is mine," Mihoshi warned her.  "So, just back
off."

     Sasami rolled her eyes as Tenchi scratched his head,
suddenly very awkward.

     Kiyone grinned as she considered.  "Really?" she
wondered.  Kiyone then stood behind them and added, "Funny,
but I'd swear that Tenchi was looking at Ryoko kinda like
they were closer.  You sure he's yours?"

     Mihoshi scowled, fretting, as Sasami explained,
"Tenchi's just a little shy.  He doesn't want to admit it,
but he likes all of us, equally."

     To this, Kiyone couldn't help but laugh a little.
"Equally, huh?  I can go along with that."  She began
rubbing his shoulders, and Tenchi flinched a little--very
uncomfortable.  "Well, I'm a terrific masseuse, Tenchi.  I
can just make all your worries melt away."

     "Stop that!" Mihoshi barked, pushing Kiyone away.  "You
know how you are with men, Kiyone."

     Kiyone suddenly frowned, darkly.  "What do you mean by
that?"

     "You have a lot of experience, Kiyone--" Mihoshi
explained, "and it's not all that good."

     Kiyone flinched, like she was just slapped, and looked
down.  "You really shouldn't talk about that, Mihoshi.  You
know I'm still not over the first one."

     Sasami looked at Mihoshi disapprovingly, then at Tenchi
and Kiyone.  "You sure you two are partners?" Sasami asked.
"You don't seem to get along very well."

     "Well," Kiyone replied, "having a partner wasn't my
idea.  The chiefs insisted, at first.  Now that I actually
like working with her, they do nothing but figure out little
excuses to keep us apart.  It's pretty pathetic.  I've had
better partners."

     "Too bad they could never find all the pieces of your
last one," Mihoshi quipped.

     Kiyone smiled, grimly.  "That girl was all thumbs,
anyway."

     Tenchi sighed and suddenly offered, "There's no need to
be embarrassed, Kiyone.  We all understand if you've had
problems in the past.  I just wish I could sympathize more."

     "Really?" Kiyone asked, a little disbelieving.

     Mihoshi sighed and admitted, "Yeah, it's okay, Kiyone.
I'm sorry if I brought up a painful subject for you.  It's
okay, though.  I don't think any of us scorn your previous
tragedies.  Really."

     Kiyone considered the serious expressions on their
faces and went right back to her devil-may-care smirk again.
"Oh..." she merely stated, and then casually added, "I'll
just borrow your cruiser, Mihoshi.  I need to go make a
report, you know."

     Mihoshi gasped and protested, "Oh, no you don't!"

     Kiyone chuckled and left the kitchen in a bit of a
rush, Mihoshi suddenly chasing after.

     Sasami turned to Tenchi and said, sighing, "You know,
Tenchi, I like Kiyone.  She's not as smart as Mihoshi, but
she's a lot more fun."

     "Yeah," Tenchi admitted, a little paradoxically,
"that's what I'm afraid of."  He then sighed, and took up
the rinsing, right where Mihoshi left off.

THE END