Author: Mike Fenton Title: DYING FOR A LAUGH (prologue) Notes: Regular (OVA), exposition and script Summary: Third trilogy in the 'Dream of Futility' saga. [Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo! and its characters are the property of AIC and Pioneer LDC, Inc. and was created by Masaki Kajishima. This story comes entirely from my imagination, and is strictly intended to be apocryphal--so please don't sue me.] PREVIEW: Time for the coup de grace--the swan song of this whole black comedy. This story has been condemned and sentenced to a proper execution: an overdose of poisonous humor. Speaking of death, it's time to linger on those rascals who fly the old skull and crossbones--the pirates. They want to write everyone's obituary in this story, but they'll have more than enough plots to fill. If you're in the mood to do away with some lethal boredom, don't commit seppuku! Just rub out those blues with a little brain-dead trilogy ominously titled... DYING FOR A LAUGH: 1 DYING FOR A PIECE OF THE ACTION Jurai has fallen, and pirates are taking over. What can they do but stop a complete galactic meltdown? It's going to be a fight to the finish. 2 DYING FOR A LITTLE INTRIGUE Pirates control Jurai, but who controls the pirates? No one seems to know what's really going on, and big trouble is looming for Tenchi and his friends. 3 DYING FOR AN EXPLANATION Big questions have yet to be answered, as the day approaches when everything comes together. The danger hangs heavy in the air as secrets are about to be revealed. *** PROLOGUE: (A Discourse in Psychology) 1 TITLE: "There are four major stages of mental trauma:" "1. Shock" 2 EXT. MASAKI HOUSE The house embraces the side of a hill, basking in snowy sunlight. A figure in elaborate dress goes to the house and enters. 3 INT. MAIN HALL Ayeka is sitting across from Yosho at the dining table. She carefully stands and presents a bottle of wine. AYEKA: (softly) Please excuse this petty little gift. She bows, properly, while sliding it forward. YOSHO: (indulgently) Ah, yes. It looks like a nice amoroso. Thank you very much. Please, have a seat and share some tea. Yosho pours some tea. Ayeka returns to her cushion. AYEKA: Let us partake. CU. YOSHO YOSHO: Yes. (winking) A votre sante. MAIN HALL (table) Ayeka takes a few sips, while Yosho ponders. YOSHO: I noticed that you returned alone. You appear to be well, but I wonder about the others. How are Little Washu and Ryoko? Did you find Tenchi? AYEKA: They are quite all right, my brother. You need not worry about them. YOSHO: Are you sure? No disrespect, but it is rather strange to see you arrive here without their company. CU. AYEKA She ponders and frowns, thoughtfully. AYEKA: Yes. Certainly. I couldn't help but notice that you failed to mention Sasami. You didn't happen to see her, did you? CU. YOSHO He takes a moment to ponder, carefully. YOSHO: No. Actually, I was just about to ask if you had seen her. I assume you have not. MAIN HALL (table) AYEKA: Well, if it's all the same, I assume that your indifference has possibly offended her. YOSHO: You mean, she has run away and I am to blame? How could that be? AYEKA: Yosho, my brother, please. Don't be coy with me. You know how she perceives you. CU. YOSHO YOSHO: (a little nervous) What do you mean by that? CU. AYEKA AYEKA: Oh, you know... How she looks up to you. I dare say, there are times she even seems to revere you. I, frankly, find the whole thing rather nauseating. CU. YOSHO YOSHO: (chuckling) She looks up to me? That seems hard to believe. MAIN HALL (table) Ayeka takes another sip. AYEKA: I agree. It is terribly baffling, at first glance. Of course, you are elderly and a respected member of this established community. However deceptive you may be, you are still the keeper of a shrine--a most worthy enterprise, deserving of high esteem. It is, perhaps, not too difficult to understand. YOSHO: You think Little Sister has run away because she admires me? AYEKA: (irritated) Yes. She obviously admires you so much that she is offended by herself. Her inability to capture your attention has made her restless. Of course, I could be wrong. I am guessing, after all. YOSHO: (annoyed) This is very distressing, Ayeka. Don't be flippant, at a time like this. You should show more concern. She is your sister, after all. CU. AYEKA Feigning apologetic. AYEKA: Do forgive me, brother. After a long voyage, I do tend to be rude, sometimes. CU. YOSHO YOSHO: It's all right. I just wish that I knew everyone was safe. Right at the moment, I fear the worst. CU. AYEKA AYEKA: You think she might have been captured? Oh, dear. Yes. She could, even now, be suffering in a torture chamber, somewhere. Imagine all the woes an enemy could inflict on her. You're right, my brother. This is very distressing. MAIN HALL (table) Yosho stands and returns with some more tea. He pours some for Ayeka and himself, again. YOSHO: Are the others searching for her? If she is missing, then it would be best if we all were to search for her. AYEKA: Actually, my brother, I could not stand to see their indifference. I returned here, thinking she might have been found on Earth. Since you believe otherwise, I can only assume that she has gone for good. It would be wise to conduct a search at the earliest opportunity, of course. Yosho continues to stand, considering. YOSHO: This is quite unlike Tenchi. Why would he not join in a search? Is he so caught up in his work that he would neglect Sasami? AYEKA: Well, I wasn't going to mention this, but I failed to find Lord Tenchi. It seems that he was rather preoccupied. I wouldn't be surprised to discover that he had been captured, as well. YOSHO: Oh my--! Ayeka! How can you just sit there? Tenchi and Sasami are gone, and all you can do is blather about who to blame? I must say, I'm very disappointed in you. How am I going to explain all this? You know I gave my word to Father that Tenchi would take care of her. Doesn't that mean anything to you? CU. AYEKA AYEKA: (sighing) There's no need to get all worked up, my brother. It's probably nothing. In any case, it would be a waste of time to worry. I'm sure Tenchi and Sasami can look after themselves quite well. CU. YOSHO YOSHO: (calming down) I have my doubts about that, but it seems reasonable. Yes. Let's just sit and think about all this. CU. AYEKA AYEKA: Very good. I always say that one should put reason ahead of action. It prevents a lot of silly misunderstandings. CU. YOSHO He frowns, darkly, as he sits. YOSHO: Are you mocking me? CU. AYEKA AYEKA: Me? (chuckling) I would never dare! In your own home, even! (casual) I was just agreeing with you, my brother. Your suggestion seemed to be most reasonable. Let's sit and think, indeed. MAIN HALL (table) Yosho scowls as he reaches around for a small package. He slides it across the table to Ayeka. YOSHO: Oh, that reminds me. Some letters arrived while you were gone. I kept them for you. Ayeka looks at the package carefully, then opens it. She looks through some of the letters and selects one. She then opens it and reads it. Yosho fidgets, nervous and a little upset. AYEKA: (looking up) Uh, excuse me for overstaying. I think I should probably go, now. CU. YOSHO YOSHO: (a little alarmed) Oh, uh... At least stay for dinner. No need to leave right away, is there? CU. AYEKA AYEKA: Well, I did just receive some urgent news. I hate to be an inconvenience... CU. YOSHO YOSHO: It's no inconvenience, Ayeka. You know that. What's the news? MAIN HALL (table) Ayeka ponders for a moment, then sets the letters down. AYEKA: Well, it seems that Tenchi and Sasami are to be married. That would certainly explain why they have disappeared. YOSHO: Married!? AYEKA: Imagine that. I didn't know you had given Sasami your blessing... YOSHO: I did not. (reaching out) Let me see that. CU. YOSHO He glances at the envelope and gasps. YOSHO: This is in your hand! CU. AYEKA AYEKA: (amused) Really? CU. YOSHO He is speechless with shock. 4 TITLE: "2. Rage" 5 INT. KIMIKO'S BEDROOM Sasami and Tenchi are lying together, faintly illuminated by the glow of the red planet, hovering in the window. Sasami turns and sighs, running her fingers through Tenchi's hair. SASAMI: (softly) How did I ever live without you, my love? I should have gone insane with loneliness every waking moment, before. She kisses his cheek, and Tenchi murmurs, rolling over on his side. She looks up, lying straight again. As she looks up, she suddenly gasps. CU. RYOKO She suddenly appears, a glowing dagger in her hands and a wild, hunted look in her eyes. CU. SASAMI SASAMI: (shocked) Ryoko? CU. RYOKO She looks down and scowls, raising the dagger. RYOKO: (to Tenchi) Hello there, lover boy. (grim) This time, I won't miss! She stabs down in a motion that is swift as a flowing waterfall. CU. SASAMI She gasps and shrieks in terror. 6 EXT. OBSCURE ROOFTOP Ryoko awakens, trembling in fear and anger. RYOKO: (softly) Oh! Damn! (groaning) I'm going to kill him! Damn him! 7 TITLE: "3. Denial" 8 EXT. OBSCURE CANTINA The cantina is alight with patrons--a busy night. The sound of laughter and music can be heard from a distance. 9 INT. DINING HALL Washu and Sasami are sitting at a table with Kimiko. Hikaru passes by, looking a little annoyed. WASHU: (wistful) You know, I couldn't help noticing that you were more upset about Ryoko than Ayeka. Is there something you're not telling us about Ayeka? SASAMI: (firm) Yes, there is. And don't bother asking... Kimiko chuckles, villainously. WASHU: Yes, let's leave it to the imagination. Now that I think about it, I recall a certain diary that you helped Yosho find. Yosho arranged for Ryoko to find it, and I decided to block out the rest. I was in the middle of finishing an important invention, and I didn't want to be distracted. KIMIKO: Now, this, I've got to hear. CU. SASAMI SASAMI: (to Kimiko, frowning darkly) You would. (to Washu) Don't tell me you know about Ayeka's little indiscretion? CU. WASHU WASHU: Actually, no. I never bothered to read that part of Ryoko's memory. Judging from the way it affected her, I couldn't help but avoid it. It makes me that much more curious, now. CU. KIMIKO KIMIKO: Indiscretion? Ayeka had an amour on the side? Whoa, this is juicy! Who was it? When did this happen? CU. SASAMI Scowling with disgust. SASAMI: I've already said too much, I see. HALL (table) Kimiko cackles as Washu chuckles. Sasami groans, disgusted. SASAMI: It's very cruel for you to laugh, Kimiko. You've never really been in love, have you? All the men in your life were nothing more than playthings. KIMIKO: Hey, I didn't exactly have a choice. I was made that way. No one is more upset about it than I am. You know that. WASHU: Well, Sasami has a point. You shouldn't laugh at the misfortune of others that you lament in yourself. KIMIKO: Oh... Well, I saw you smiling too, Washu. WASHU: I think I've earned the right. I put up with enough of Ayeka's snoring to last me a lifetime. I don't know how you put up with it, Sasami. CU. SASAMI SASAMI: (smiling) I considered it a badge of honor. You should be grateful I spared Tenchi that fate. CU. KIMIKO KIMIKO: Sounds ghastly. CU. WASHU WASHU: (thoughtful) You know, Kimiko, the way you said that--I didn't know you felt so strongly about Tenchi. Or is this new fixation on Ayeka? HALL (table) SASAMI: Oh, yes. Tell us how you feel about Tenchi, Kimiko. I can't help but think that you've offered us your bed as more than just a gesture of goodwill. KIMIKO: Don't be morbid, Sasami. I am your friend, nothing more. WASHU: Nothing more? So, we're not sisters? KIMIKO: Not until you assimilate me, no. SASAMI: (softly) Come now, Kimiko. Would a friend look after someone as ill as Tenchi was for as long as you did? How long was Tenchi ill in the underworld? Three, four days? CU. KIMIKO A little embarrassed, introspective. CU. WASHU WASHU: Yes. Interesting. I recall you had a sympathetic illness of your own--even with the temporal distortion. That must have been one heck of an experience. Surely you feel a bit more than friendship... CU. SASAMI SASAMI: Admit it, Kimiko. You're in love with him. You can't help it. Tenchi has a very magnetic affect. CU. WASHU WASHU: That's right. Plus, you can hardly help developing strong sympathetic ties with your protege-- especially one who is in such dire need of your attention. CU. SASAMI SASAMI: Not to mention, he's my husband--which makes him off-limits. CU. WASHU WASHU: Forbidden fruit... CU. KIMIKO She trembles and starts to cry. KIMIKO: No... It's not true. You're just toying with me. Leave me alone. HALL (table) Kimiko starts to weep, as Washu turns to Sasami. Sasami looks a little mortified and Washu scowls. SASAMI: I think we went a bit too far. WASHU: Yeah. Sorry about that, Kimiko. 10 TITLE: "4. Acceptance" 11 EXT. A LITTLE VILLA A quaint little house in a short row of houses in evening twilight. A figure appears at the door in a flicker of light. 12 INT. MAIN HALL Mihoshi is sitting on a small sofa, staring blankly at a television. The TV is blaring some inane children's program. There is a soft knock at the door, and Mihoshi looks down for a moment. Mihoshi answers the door and discovers the alchemist, holding a small package. ALCHEMIST: Good evening. I hope I'm not interrupting anything. MIHOSHI: No. Who are you? CU. ALCHEMIST ALCHEMIST: I'm an old friend of Tenchi's. My name is Icarus, but there are some who call me Rumpelstiltskin. CU. MIHOSHI MIHOSHI: Like in that story? The guy who spins straw into gold? CU. ALCHEMIST ALCHEMIST: One of my favorite stories... May I come in? MAIN HALL (entryway) Mihoshi considers for a moment, then gestures. MIHOSHI: Oh, please. Come in. Any friend of Tenchi's is a friend of mine. ALCHEMIST: Thank you. I won't stay long. I hate to be a burden. MIHOSHI: Oh! It's no bother! ALCHEMIST: Really? Well, if you insist. Mihoshi goes and turns off the TV, and they stand at a small table, a little undecided. Mihoshi then gasps and gestures, somewhat wildly. CU. MIHOSHI MIHOSHI: Oh! I'm being so rude! Sorry. Please take a seat over here. CU. ALCHEMIST Grimly amused. ALCHEMIST: No, no. I consider it an honor to sit over here. (he gestures) CU. MIHOSHI She ponders, somewhat vacantly. MIHOSHI: Uh... Okay! Well, wherever. MAIN HALL (table) The alchemist sits and looks at Mihoshi expectantly. She ponders for a moment. MIHOSHI: Oh! I guess I should offer you some tea. ALCHEMIST: Tea, yes. That sounds good, if it's not too much trouble, of course. MIHOSHI: No. It's no trouble. I was just having some a while ago. (searching) Now, where did I put that tea? Mihoshi looks high and low for a tea kettle sitting right in front of her. The alchemist smiles very pleasantly. Mihoshi finally discovers the kettle and a couple of cups. She pours, rather awkwardly, then sits across from the alchemist. MIHOSHI: Rumpelstiltskin? I thought that was just an old story. ALCHEMIST: One of my best. MIHOSHI: Yours? CU. ALCHEMIST ALCHEMIST: Of course. Who else? You don't think some absurd writers of fiction created me? Writers only know how to steal the work of others, you know. CU. MIHOSHI MIHOSHI: Oh! (pondering) Is that for me? CU. ALCHEMIST He looks at the package, briefly. ALCHEMIST: This? Well, no. I hope it's no inconvenience, but I was hoping I could persuade you to give this to another old friend of mine. MAIN HALL (table) The alchemist gestures with the package, and Mihoshi offers. He slides it across the table to her. MIHOSHI: Another old friend? Who do you mean? ALCHEMIST: A little woman by the name of Washu. She'll be expecting some token from me, to confirm a message I gave her earlier. It's just a way of being polite, of course. I couldn't be here, myself. MIHOSHI: Here? You don't want me to deliver this? ALCHEMIST: No. I expect she and a few others will show up here at this villa in no time. They'll want to visit you, naturally. Until then, you might want to think about attending a little ceremony over at the house of Tenchi's honorable father. CU. MIHOSHI Blankly confused, still looking at the package. MIHOSHI: Ceremony? CU. ALCHEMIST ALCHEMIST: (pleasantly) Yes. Tenchi will return for the naming of his child, of course. Then there are some other rituals, I'm certain you have heard of. CU. MIHOSHI MIHOSHI: (sighing) Actually, I'm not very good with formalities. CU. ALCHEMIST ALCHEMIST: Really? Oh, well. It's a pity. You seem so nice and good-natured. I was sure you would have all the native culture known by heart. MAIN HALL (table) MIHOSHI: Thanks for the flattery, but I'm not really that good-natured. (frowning) How do you know Washu, if you don't mind my asking? ALCHEMIST: I don't mind. Let's see. (he ponders for a moment) Washu doesn't remember, of course, but she knew me briefly when she was about your age. I recall she was very handy with a sword. She made me realize a new level of pain I had never known existed--quite by accident, of course. I suppose it's only fitting. Washu's one great triumph in battle--and she doesn't even remember it. CU. MIHOSHI MIHOSHI: Oh, wow! What did she do to you? CU. ALCHEMIST ALCHEMIST: You don't mind if I show you the scar? CU. MIHOSHI MIHOSHI: Oh, don't worry. I've seen lots of scars... MAIN HALL (table) The alchemist lifts his shirt and shows a scar, running halfway across his abdomen. MIHOSHI: Whoa! That must have really hurt! He lowers his shirt again. ALCHEMIST: No kidding. I was feverish and in more pain than I had ever been in. Some others were begging me to accept a quick death--far more humane than trying to hang on. I love life, though. I couldn't just throw it away. MIHOSHI: Wow! So, what did you do? CU. ALCHEMIST ALCHEMIST: (a little pained) What could I do? There was nothing I could do but wait for death. I was actually beginning to wonder whether I should just end it all when this little boy came along. He just looked at me and smiled. He said, 'Hey, it ain't that bad. You'll be fine.' CU. MIHOSHI MIHOSHI: Whoa! CU. ALCHEMIST ALCHEMIST: Indeed. I was having trouble believing it, but I was desperate. I looked at him and said, 'Well, if you think it's worth a shot, don't just stand there. Do something.' He just rolled his eyes and put a hand on my belly. I looked down, and next thing you know, I was perfectly fine. MAIN HALL (table) Mihoshi looks a little wary. MIHOSHI: No way! ALCHEMIST: Honest. MIHOSHI: Wow! That's incredible. So, whatever happened to him? Do you know? ALCHEMIST: A bad end, I'm afraid. CU. MIHOSHI MIHOSHI: Really? What happened? CU. ALCHEMIST ALCHEMIST: (annoyed) Well, he tripped and fell over the side of the city into the wastelands. Everyone else who saw it insisted that he jumped, but I can assure you, it was accidental. MAIN HALL MIHOSHI: (wistfully) Washu doesn't normally like to visit people. She mostly just invents things, you know. I had no idea she was handy with a sword. ALCHEMIST: She was even more handy with mock battles. Of course, that led her to arts and from arts to science. They all go hand-in-hand, you know. MIHOSHI: Oh... ALCHEMIST: I'm sure you've noticed that all her best students were great swordsmen, as well. CU. MIHOSHI MIHOSHI: Oh, yeah. Like Kagato. CU. ALCHEMIST ALCHEMIST: Yes. My favorite swordsman is Tenchi. He always seems to have just the right level of skill. CU. MIHOSHI MIHOSHI: (awkward) Uh... Yeah. MAIN HALL (table) ALCHEMIST: (softly) Oh, sorry if I'm treading on a painful subject. You had your heart set on the boy, I suppose? MIHOSHI: (nervous) Well, yeah. ALCHEMIST: (sigh) I thought so. It's too bad. I was hoping he would come to his senses and marry you. CU. MIHOSHI She looks a little taken aback. CU. ALCHEMIST ALCHEMIST: (casual) Oh, well. You win some, you lose some. Maybe next time. CU. MIHOSHI MIHOSHI: Next time? CU. ALCHEMIST ALCHEMIST: (a little mortified) Oops... FADE OUT I'll bet you were wondering who that guy was, huh? Strange, that Washu can't seem to remember him. Speaking of Washu, she'd better start treading lightly with Kimiko--I think Kimiko might have a thing for Tenchi... Nah! How about Ryoko, huh? What's she so upset about? And Yosho is looking like a deer caught in headlights--I wouldn't want to be him... Lots of stuff is going on in the third trilogy. Don't miss it! NOTES: For those of you who haven't read "Rumpel-Stilts-kin," it's a story of a girl whose father gets her into some deep trouble. An alchemist comes along and helps her, but always for a price. The third time is a deal for her child--whom she is later forced to relinquish. Out of pity for her, he lets her out of the deal if she can guess his name. She eventually discovers his name from some messengers who happened to overhear this little song: Merrily the feast I'll make, To-day I'll brew, to-morrow bake; Merrily I'll dance and sing, For next day will a stranger bring: Little does my lady dream Rumpel-Stilts-kin is my name! This lovely story was written by Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm. It's a classic great.