Because It's There

By Ozelon

Part 5: Now What?

"All right," said Ryoko, staring at the space where they had returned from the
past only moments before, "we've saved the world, now what?"

"Whaddaya mean "now what," we just saved the world, that means we're heroes,
right? We should start getting showered by gifts any time now!" answered
Noboyuki, practically drooling at the very idea.

"I hate to bring this up, but do you think that's really going to happen? I
mean, we know we saved the world, but does anyone else know?" asked Washu,
displaying an extremely irritating amount of practicality. (Have I mentioned
that they're on the Galaxy Police ship? They're on the Galaxy Police ship.)

"Oh yeah," said Noboyuki, looking slightly put out that at the prospect of
hit gift showering fantasies not being realized. (pity crew on three,
ready? One. Two. Three. awwwwwww)

"Wait, wait, wait just a minute!" yelled Sasami, looking about ready to
start frothing at the mouth, "You mean to say that we risked our lives to
save the world and no one even knows about it?"

"Well..." said Washu, appearing to think about it, "yes."

"Now that that's settled, allow me to repeat my previous statement," said
Ryoko, "now what?"

Suddenly, a light bulb appeared over Tenchi's head, indicating that he had
had an idea, though not a good idea judging from its dimness and the fact
that it was wobbling. Tenchi opened his mouth, and would doubtless have
stated his idea, but for the fact that the light bulb finally went out and
came plummeting to the ground. Unfortunately, its path to the ground was
obstructed by Tenchi's head, and it plummeted to that instead, accomplishing
the twin goals of shutting him up and making him forget his ideas.

"Well," remarked Washu, "wasn't that an interesting little aside."

"I feel I should add on of my depressing, conversation-stopping remarks in
to this conversation," stated Kagato thoughtfully, "but Ryoko said she'd
punt me into next week if I did that again, so I don't think I shall."

"Smart man," said Ryoko.

"Smart vampire, you mean," muttered Mihoshi not quite softly enough to keep
everyone from hearing. Everyone exchanged glances at this and as one took a
large step away from Mihoshi, except for Kagato who...did something else,
which essentially involved punting her into next week. (that's my new
expression, can ya' tell?)

"You BAKA!!" shrieked Ryoko after it seemed that Kagato had calmed down a
bit. (he's much too tense, don't you think? He should relax a bit, maybe go
on a cruise, or to one of those health spas...hey, there's a thought...)
"Mihoshi was the only one that could fly this thing. With her gone, we'll
crash and DIE!"

Kagato looked hurt for a moment, "You never asked if I could fly it..."

"Can you?"

"Well...strictly speaking...no," said Kagato, ignoring the various things
that came flying at him after that statement. "I just felt that I should
bring it up." He thought for a moment and began to rummage in his cape while
the others looked on warily. After a few moments of this, he triumphantly
pulled out a book entitled "How to fly in 3 easy lessons."

Everyone groaned and looked around for something to throw at Kagato. They
then did a double take, suddenly remembering that they had thrown stuff at
him only a few moments before and he still seemed to be standing. (hah! you
thought I forgot, didn't you? well I didn't, so there :P) "Hey," said
Noboyuki, voicing the thought that was in all of their minds, "what happened
to all the weapons and stuff that we threw at you?"

Kagato looked up from where he had been reading his book and blinked,
noticing for the first time the line of items hanging in the air about a
foot away from him waiting for him to notice them. He calmly put the book
down, got up, let out a strangled scream, and proceeded to try to run out of
the...deck thing? Well, wherever it is they're always standing in on the
Galaxy Police ship. I say try because it just so happened that Yosho chose
that particular moment to walk in...so they collided. Well, actually, Kagato
ran into him, rebounded, and fell, in a very undignified manner, on his
bottom. (sorry to all of you Kagato fans, but it was the only way I could
think of to save him from the objects...you remember the objects, the ones
that had been thrown at him)

The aforementioned objects, having been deprived of their original target,
it being a little lower than it was before, now, of course, ran into Yosho,
knocking him unconscious. Fortunately for me, I don't think there are any
Yosho fans, so I should be safe.

Let's recap, since I've pretty much forgotten what was going on anyway.
Mihoshi has been punted into next week by Kagato and Tenchi is mercifully
unconscious because one of his stupid ideas formed a defective light bulb
and it fell on him. Kagato is relatively unhurt, except for having lost a
substantial amount of dignity, and Yosho took the fall for Kagato and is
also currently unconscious. Everyone else is relatively safe, except that
there is no pilot for the Galaxy Police ship and eventually they're going to
either run into something or plummet uncontrollably to the ground in an
unstoppable...plummet.

Right then, now that I remember what was going on, which is to say: nothing,
we can get on with the fic. "You know," said Ryoko, "I really don't feel
like saying "now what" again, but it looks like I'm going to have to. Now
what?"

"Well, first things first, can anyone fly the Galaxy Police ship?" asked
Washu. "We've already established that Kagato can't, I refuse to entrust my
life into Tenchi's hands, and I'm sure most of you feel the same..."

"Um, isn't that what we've been doing these past few months?" asked Sasami,
who obviously either had no sense of self-preservation, or that short
attention span thing was kicking in. Instead of an answer, she received the
Look of Death from Washu and wisely decided that making any more comments
would not be a very smart thing to do. Besides, if she didn't say anything
long enough, then someone else was sure to feel the need to make up for the
lack and watching them get pounded into the pavement (another fun
expression) would be way fun to watch.

"As I was saying," said Washu through clenched teeth, "Ryoko has
demonstrated by her willingness to panic that she can't fly...Sasami?" he
asked sweetly. She mutely shook her head to indicate that, no, she couldn't
fly the Galaxy Police ship. "All right," Washu continued. "Then I vote that
we go beat up Kagato to show our extreme irritation with his punting Mihoshi
overboard. Anybody got a better idea?" The others, except for Kagato who was
making preparations for running away very fast, shook their heads and turned
toward Kagato, who, not being as dumb as, say Tenchi, was already gone.

They were about to give chase when Mihoshi abruptly got back from being
punted into next week. (so she was actually only punted into the next hour,
or something like that) This meant that they had a pilot again, and thus
they did not have to kill Kagato, though they seriously considered doing it
anyway for scaring them like that. However, he had, by this time, managed to
lock himself in the karaoke room and refused to come out until they promised
not to hurt him...so they left him there. (after moving some heavy machinery
up to block the door, of course. Don't worry, he'll be back, he's too much
fun to irritate not to bring back.)

In any case, they decided that they would continue their discussion (or lack
thereof) on the ground as it was a pretty fair bet that Mihoshi was going to
say something to get her punted into next week again sooner or later
(probably sooner) since she was actually more tactless than Tenchi. (but
that's all right, because he's supposed to be tactless, whereas Tenchi,
being the leader-type person, isn't. Leader-type people are generally
supposed to be strong, confident figures which sometimes serve as the
moderators, not tactless, schizo gimboids-I read Red Dwarf recently)

While my mind wandered into a world where someone actually knew what that
last sentence meant, Mihoshi landed the Galaxy Police ship, and everyone got
out. Ryoko began wondering whether she should say "now what?" again, since
the author had named the fic that and all, but a light from the direction of
Tenchi stopped her effectively as it meant that he had had an idea and she
should probably go and save him from the light bulb that was sure to fall on
him. (I keep getting these weird urges to drop camels on him, I don't know
why) Turning to him, she was greeted by the sight of Tenchi, with his head
on fire, running around like a chicken with its head cut off, (except his
head wasn't cut off, or Ryoko wouldn't have been able to notice that it was
on fire) Apparently, his idea had only been good enough for a lit match to
appear over his head and, when the match had dropped, the quantities of
hairspray he put on his hair to make it all spiky and weird had ignited.

The rest of the group had already conferred within itself and decided that
the best thing to do would be to wait and let the blaze burn itself out, so
they just stood there watching and occasionally wondering whether to go and
get some popcorn or try roasting some marshmallows over Tenchi's hair. (the
last was discarded as impractical because Tenchi refused to cooperate and
stand still, stubbornly insisting that running around and screaming was the
better course of action) Ryoko, not having the sense or practicality of the
others, and having been cursed with affection for the little gimboid, glared
at them and tried to figure out a way to help Tenchi. Finally, she figured
that the only way to help him was to dunk him in water, so she kicked him
into the conveniently situated river near where they landed.

This did, indeed, have the desired effect and Tenchi was soon back to
normal, except for the fact that his hair was charred in places and his
spikes hung limply, making him look even more like the gimboid he was.
(that's my new favorite word) Actually, now that I think about it, he also
bore a slight resemblance to a drowned rat. Unfortunately, he was still
conscious and could thus relate his idea. "We should go to that Hot Spring
we always seem to own," he said.

"We don't have it yet, you moron," stated Sasami, "all of those fics are
"after" fics where a bit of time has passed and you've
already...bought...it..." she trailed off as realization suddenly hit. "Let's
go buy it right now!" she exclaimed for the benefit of all the readers who
hadn't figured out what the realization was.

They all looked at each other and nodded, after which they got in the Galaxy
Police ship and flew to the Hot Spring without incident, to the amazement of
all the readers who don't know that it's nearly midnight and I'm getting
really sleepy. They were just about to go buy the spring when they
remembered that they had forgotten to get Kagato out of the karaoke room and
he was liable to start tearing holes in the Galaxy Police ship if they
didn't let him out. Since Mihoshi was kinda adamant that this not happen,
they went back to the Galaxy Police ship. However, once they had put back
all of the machinery that they had used to block the door and opened the
door, they found that the karaoke room was empty.

"Why are you all staring into that karaoke room?" asked Kagato, who just
happened to be standing behind everyone.

"Because you're supposed to be inside," answered Washu.

"Ah." Kagato waited for a couple more minutes as everyone continued to stand
in front of the stable. "Well, I'm not," he said, seeing if that would get a
response. "In fact," he threw in for good measure, "I am right here."
Nothing. "and not in there at all," he said helpfully.

"Hmmm?" asked Ryoko. "Oh. So you are, well, let's go!"

"Don't you want to know how I got here?" asked Kagato.

"No, not really," said Washu as they all walked away towards the real estate
office.

Well, thought Kagato, that was...odd. The author must have felt depressed. A
setup like that would usually involve someone kicking me around, me being
insufferably smug, and, like as not, various objects dropping on Tenchi. He
pondered this for a moment. I hope he stays depressed. he decided with an
evil grin. (no worries there)

Much to everyone's amazement, other than a short incident in which the
author couldn't take it anymore and dropped a camel on Tenchi, the session
at the real estate office occurred without incident, (mostly because I have
no idea how something like that would go) and Tenchi was soon the owner of a
hot spring which they moved into later that day. They found the hot spring
to be a huge and empty place. It was also somewhat mysterious, with wind
whistling through the halls, and strains of eerie depressing music...

"KAGATO!! Turn that music off right now!" screeched Ryoko. "If you have to
get depressed, do it quietly, and out of sight of everyone, or, more
specifically, me. And shut the windows, you're letting the heat in." Kagato
sulkily did so, muttering about uncultured philistines with no sense of
drama.

"Look Kagato, we've tried to explain this before," said Washu patiently,
"The Soja is a fine place for drama, but a hot spring isn't. Neither is the
Galaxy Police ship, any of the hotels we've stayed in, and the host of other
places you've seen to make dramatic and depressing comments in."

Kagato diplomatically chose to ignore Washu's obviously uninformed statement
and went of to the basement to find a dark corner for his daily sulk and
guilt trip. (out of Ryoko's hearing, of course) For a brief moment, Washu
considered contriving some reason to have Ryoko go down to the basement,
but, not being nearly as violent or vindictive as the others, he discarded
that notion. Five minutes later, he told Sasami to tell Ryoko, who was
looking for the washing machine so that she could wash her 12 sets of
identical dresses and...er...tail belts, that she should check in the basement.
What followed was a lot of screaming at Kagato and the sounds of general
carnage which ended in a Kagato-shaped hole forming in the floor where the
basement ceiling had ended his flight into next week.

While Kagato was recuperating, everyone settled into the hot spring and was
soon bored out of their minds. "I really hate to steal Ryoko's line," said
Washu, "but now what?" Everyone thought about this for awhile.

"We could....go on a long and perilous quest..." ventured Yosho, who had
been sent to the hot spring to irritate everyone. He quickly shut up and
tried to pretend he didn't exist, as Ryoko immediately sent him a Look of
Death. "or maybe not..." he whispered in a small voice once her attention
turned elsewhere.

"Hello!" exclaimed an extremely cheerful voice from the door. As everyone
turned towards the door in question, Ayeka waltzed through it.  "Hi
everyone!" she exclaimed some more, "How's my Tenchi-chan!? Oh my Ryoko, I
don't think it's healthy for your teeth to grind them that way!" (Ugh,
perhaps I should make her less perky, Kagato might shoot her on
sight...hell, I might shoot her on sight.) "For you see..." she continued,
suddenly going from perky to mysterious, "the balance must be maintained."

"Uh, yes...quite," said Washu.

Sasami leaned over and whispered to Washu. "Was she always this weird?"

"I don't think so..." she answered uncertainly.

"Geez, it sounds like something Kagato would say..." she muttered to
herself.

"I protest," said Kagato, who had been released from the hospital about half
an hour previously. "Why would I say a stupid thing like that?"

"To be irritating," answered Ryoko quite reasonably.

"Well...maybe. But I'm sure I could think of something way more irritating
than...hey! Quit throwing things at me!" Dodging the various objects, he
went off to his room in the basement to catch up on the sulking he had
missed during his stay in the hospital.

Meanwhile, everyone else was pondering the meaning of Ayeka's words.
"Balance? What are you talking about?" asked Sasami.

Washu pondered the meaning of the words. Balance, balance, what could she
mean by... Suddenly she groaned. "Oh no. No, no, no, no..."

"What?" everyone asked.

Ignoring them all, Washu turned to Ayeka. "Kain's been resurrected, hasn't
he?" She nodded, trying to look cheerful and solemn at the same time and
only succeeding in looking cheerful.

Everyone groaned.

"Oh, but you see," said Ayeka earnestly. "He's been brought back to be able
to atone for his sins."

Kagato stuck his head into the room. "Really? I'll help, I happen to know
quite a bit about atoning."

Ryoko groaned. "Oh no, not two of them, what did I do to deserve this?"

"Oh come off it," said Washu crossly. "We all know that the author
resurrected Kain because he likes him, not so he can atone for anything."
(Wasn't I going to stop making my characters so bloody perceptive?)

"No, that doesn't really work, because, if you follow your reasoning, she
ought to bring back people like Clay as well," countered Kagato.

"Did he even die to begin with? I never figured out if he did or not. But
that wasn't what I meant, what I meant was that they were both main
characters."

"Geez, enough with the philosophical discussions already!" said Ayeka.
"Don't you think we should be talking about other things, like what to do
about the homicidal maniac running around?"

"Who? Ayeka?" asked Tenchi, who was too stupid to have a sense of
self-preservation, either that or knew Ayeka wouldn't schmack him.

"Tenchi you moron!" said Yosho who promptly got punted out the window by
Ryoko, who was sick of everyone calling Tenchi a moron. He eventually landed
on a small island where he was worshipped as a god until he said the word
"it"-then he was thrown into a volcano.

"Oh, but I told you already!" Ayeka was currently exclaiming. "Kain is here
to atone for his sins and..."

"Do you think he needs any pointers?" interrupted Kagato. "Atoning is a very
delicate and subtle process and..."

"Kagato, shut up," said Sasami, sticking her tongue out at him. Kagato
carefully waited until no one was looking and stuck his tongue out back.

"and therefore he can't go around being mean and nasty to people," Ayeka
continued.

"Tell me Ayeka, did he seem particularly set on the atonement thing the last
time you saw him?" asked Washu doubtfully.

Ayeka blinked at him in surprise. "Oh, but I haven't seen him. I may be
perky and somewhat naive, but I'm not stupid...unlike others," she said,
pointedly not looking at Ryoko. (How exactly do you pointedly not look at
someone? I mean, I could see pointedly looking looking, but not looking, I
don't know)

"Why you little..." screeched Ryoko, looking about ready to lunge at Ayeka
in a snarling fury. Which is what she did in fact, or would have done if
Kain hadn't chosen to teleport into her path at that exact moment...so she
landed on him instead.

Kain smirked at Ryoko. "Well, I know you're happy to see me, but..."

*SLAP*

"Owiee," said Kain plaintively as Ryoko got up and brushed herself off, "I
think you dislocated my jaw."

"Well," she sniffed, "you deserved it."

"GAAAAH!" screamed Tenchi, "It's Kain! Kill him!"

"Tenchi, you scream like a girl," said Mihoshi, who was promptly
unceremoniously punted out the window and joined Yosho in the volcano,
which, incidentally, had been dormant for 1,000 years but was still quite
deep.

"You know," said Kain, gliding out of the way of Tenchi's lunge so that
Tenchi could smack into the wall behind him, "this is a really nice place
you people have here."

"Yes, quite," said Washu hurriedly, "and now that you've seen it, you can
leave, goodbye."

"Oh no," answered Kain innocently, "I couldn't do that, I'm here to atone
for my sins to you people..." he continued, smiling evilly.

"We forgive you," said Ryoko even more hurriedly, "now go away." (Many
people may be wondering why Kagato isn't saying anything since this
conversation is about one of his favorite subjects, the answer to that is
quite simple, he was currently in the corner muttering "amateurs" to
himself)

"Well, ok," said Kain, "but I don't quite think that I've atoned enough yet.
In fact, I think I'll be here rather often..." he looked about to start
laughing maniacally, but thought better of it and started towards the door
instead. He undoubtedly would have left, except that Sasami reached up and
grabbed the bottom of his mask.

"Not so fast," she said, bringing him up short. "I suppose you just expect
me to forgive you like a good little girl scout?" Kain nodded.

"Well yes, you have to, it written into your character that you would do
something like that," said Washu.

"Quite, well, I have here…" she continued, pulling a small piece of paper
out of thin air, "a 1hr "out of character" pass, which allows me to act out
of character for the duration of one hour." Kain began to look a little
nervous at this. "Starting," said Sasami gleefully, "right…about…now." The
piece of paper abruptly burst into flame and white light surrounded Sasami,
temporarily blinding everyone. When the light went away, Sasami stood there
with an evil smile on her face and a really nasty looking spiked mace in her
hands. Everyone sweatdropped.

"Come on," said Kain, beginning to sweat nervously, "can't we talk this
over?"

"Hmm," Sasami appeared to think it over for a while, "Nope!" she said
sweetly.

She then decided to punt Kain out the window. So Kain went sailing out of
the hot spring, making a new window as he did so. Sasami then pulled out a
sub-machine gun from thin air and smiled sweetly while the others gaped at
her. "I'll be back in an hour. Kain, on the other hand, probably…won't.
Bye!" and she skipped off in the direction that Kain had sailed.

"Um, well, then," said Ryoko, looking about ready to say something else.

"DON'T SAY IT!" everyone yelled. Alas to no avail.

"Now what?"

*CRASH*

                       the end…or maybe, the beginning