Because It's There

By Ozelon

Part 3: Why Having Your Own Theme Song Isn't Always the Best of Things

Kagato sat bolt upright in his bed. Once again he was going to get no sleep
whatsoever. It wasn’t that his bed wasn’t comfortable, or that it was too
cold. (it had taken months to get someone to come and install heating
in...umm, wherever he lives, but once he had threatened enough people, they
couldn’t do it fast enough…people were so strange sometimes) It was that
infernal choir; they would not shut up. Every day, wherever he went, they
followed him around chanting "Estuars interius ira vehementi" over, and
over, and over, and over, and over, and over-

Kagato suddenly fell over, having gotten dizzy listening to all of the "and
overs." (oops, got a tad carried away there) He got up and glared at the
author, (he can do that without fear of retribution cos he’s so awesome,
besides, I get him back with lots of gay jokes) after which the tirade
continued.

Estuars interius ira vehementi

He had tried to kill them, it none of the ways that he tried seemed to work.
And he had tried everything. First he tried burning them all up, that being
his preferred method for mass murder. When that didn’t work, he tried the
classic method of turning them into stone statues.  But, to no avail, the 
choir singers proved to be immortal and invincible, and the worst part was 
that they ignored him when he called them puppets!

sors inanis, et inanis

Kagato strode purposefully to the phone, or at least tried to.
Unfortunately, the effect was spoiled by the fact that he kept tripping over
stray "and overs." Once he had regained his balance, he-carefully-walked
over to the phone and called Ryoko.

"..."a sleepy, uh, silence answered the phone.

"Ryoko, you gotta help me!" said Kagato.

Kagato!  Kagato!

"Shutup, shutup, shutup, shutup, shutup" yelled Kagto at them, they stopped
for a moment, and then started again. However, they had not stopped because
he had told them to, but because they had reached the instrumental part of
the song. The pause had been to give them time to take out all of their
various instruments. The sopranos and the altos took out different kinds of
string instruments and some woodwinds, while the tenors, baritones, and
bases took care of the brass and the percussion.

"Kagato, it’s three in the morning, you woke me up at three in the morning."
Ryoko said sleepily, her tone implying that if Kagato didn’t have a good
reason, she was going to have to kill him. Of course, the tone also implied
that there was a very good chance that Ryoko would fall asleep before she
ever got near enough to kill him, but that’s just an insignificant detail
that can be glossed over.

veni, veni, venias ne me mori facias

"And why do you have your theme song playing, I mean I know you’re
narcissistic, but isn’t this taking it a bit far?" Ryoko asked.

"No I don’t think it’s taking it too far!" snapped Kagato. Then, he suddenly
became aware of snickering on the other end of the line. "Argh! That’s not
what I meant! Stop trying to change the subject!"

"I’m not changing the subject, there is no subject, you just called me in
the middle of the night and then started yelling as if you were deranged. Of
course, that is a distinct possibility in light of that whole Soja thing.
Oh, and you also asked for help, though I don’t know how much help I could
possibly be if I’m half asleep," said Ryoko plaintively.

"Stop complaining. It’s not that bad. Besides, I though vampires slept
during the day and stayed up all night," said Ryoko, trying to ignore the
chanting behind him.

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THAT I’M NOT A VAMPIRE BEFORE YOU’LL
BELIEVE ME?!!!" yelled Ryoko into the phone. Kagato opened his mouth. "No,
wait, don’t tell me I don’t want to know. But you’d better stop it if you
want me to help you get rid of that stupid choir."

"Hey, how did you know…" said Kagato frowning at the phone. "I know I never
said anything," suddenly he frowned suspiciously. "It’s you, isn’t it?
You’ve been paying them off to stay here and make my life miserable. YOU
SHALL PAY FOR YOUR EVIL DEED!!!!!"

Veni, veni, venias, ne me mori facias

"Aaaaaarrrrgghhh! You ruined my concentration, I’ve stopped ignoring them!
DIE!!!!!!" yelled Kagato, frothing at the mouth.

"Kaggie, Kaggie, calm down, there’s no need to get paranoid," said
Ryoko, sounding slightly panicked. Then her tone brightened.

"Ok, now calm down. We don’t want a repeat of that nasty Soja business.
Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. I mean, there are way to
many small villages that you can burn up. If you want, I can give you the
phone number of my shrink. He made me the man I am today," continued Ryoko.

Kagato stopped frothing long enough to consider that. "I was your shrink?"

"No you weren't my shrink!" said Ryoko, exasperated. "He just helped me get
over my tendency to glomp Tenchi and say I'm too sleepy every five minutes."

"Oooohhhh, I noticed that you didn’t seem as clingy as usual," said Kagato
thoughtfully. "And I’m sure I even heard you say something productive not
too long ago."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Listen, you want me to help you with the choir or
not? Cause if not, I want to get back to sleep, I can still get in at least
9 good hours of sleep if I hurry," Ryoko said a tad impatiently.

"But, in nine hours it’ll be noon," Kagato stated.

"So?"

"Just forget I said anything," Kagato said, sighing. Barely hearing the
"okay" that followed that statement, he continued on. "Just get over here so
that you can help me."

"How? It’s not like I can just fly around and teleport everywhere like some
people I could mention.  Wait, yes I can." Kagato suddenly had the strange 
impression that Ryoko was sticking her tongue out at him on the other side 
of the line, he dismissed it as out of hand however.

"I don’t know, wake up Washu or something. Just hurry up."

"Why did you have to wake me up? What did I ever do to you to deserve
getting woken up at three in the morning?" lamented Ryoko piteously.

"How about that gay joke?" said Kagato, arching an eyebrow, even though
there was no way that Ryoko could see it, on account of them talking on the
phone and not in person.

"Oh shut up, I’m gonna get you for this, and your little dog, too" snarled
Ryoko and hung up.

"I have a dog?" pondered Kagato. "I hope I remember to feed it
occasionally."

Veni, veni, venias ne me mori facias

"Aaarrrggghh! I’m starting to feel decidedly homicidal, I want to kill
something! Why did my agent ever insist that I have a separate theme song?
Why? Why? WHYYYYYY?" The monologue went downhill from there. (he went on
like that for another 15 minutes *shudder* it was horrible)

Kagato! Kagato!

Luckily for any poor creatures that may have had to listen to his soliloquy,
Ryoko showed up with everyone else in the group, operating on the belief
that if she couldn’t sleep no one else would. The only people not there were
Ayeka, who was a very heavy sleeper and therefore Ryoko got no satisfaction
waking her up.

"Why’d you have to bring them?" asked Kagato. "They’re only going to drive
me even more crazy!" Ryoko quickly explained to him her belief in the
fairness of the world, or lack thereof.

"Also, if I make too many gay jokes about you, you’ll have other people to
get mad at and I’ll be able to go hide somewhere," she continued. Kagato
nodded sagely, then the sentence registered in his brain and he glared at
Ryoko for a while, until he realized that it wasn’t doing any good, after
which he stopped.

"So what’s the #$%&in’ problem you @#$%in’ homicidal maniac," asked Washu.

"Didn’t Ryoko tell you?" Everyone shook their heads. "So what you’re saying
here is, that Ryoko woke you up at three in the morning without giving a
reason for it, and you didn’t kill her?"

"Well, actually," said Tenchi, ignoring Ryoko’s frantic signals to shut up,
"he said that it was a chance to pick on you unmercifully, so naturally we
jumped at it."

Kagato glared at Ryoko, who backed away. "Well, I had to figure out some
reason to keep them from killing me, and it seemed like the best one at the
time!" Kagato did not cease to glare at her. 
"MaybeI’llgooverandinspectthatroomovertherebye!" Ryoko said, hightailing it
out of there to the sound of various people snickering.

"So, you want us to help you get rid of the choir that keeps singing your
theme song, right?" asked Sasami.

Kagato frowned, puzzled. "How did you…"

Estuars interius ira vehementi

"It was quite simple really," said Washu. "There’s a choir standing in the
corner, and there are quite a few scorch marks and pebbles around them, where,
an observant person might deduce, someone had spent a lot of energy trying
to kill them. Ergo, you do not wish the choir around. Also, you invited us,
or at least Ryoko, here. Thus, logically, you wish our help in your
endeavor." She paused, feeling quite pleased with their explanation of their
reasoning. She looked around to see what everyone else had thought of her
speech, but unfortunately never found out, since everyone had inexplicably
gone to sleep. (Gee, I wonder why? Actually, someone else was going to say
this line, but then I thought about how boring it would be, so I made Washu
say it)

After everyone had revived themselves, Kagato began to speak. "It is my
belief that…" He was suddenly knocked over by Ayeka, who was sprinting
towards the TV, yelling about it being almost time for Baywatch.

Everyone groaned, except for Kagato who just looked miserable. "It won’t
work, you know, the choir sings to loudly to be able to hear, not to mention
they really mess up the reception, don’t ask me how, but they do."

"Kagato, did it ever occur to you that maybe you have bad reception because
you LIVE IN A..." Kagato quickly covered Washu's mouth. "Don't tell!!"

"Anyways, I haven’t been able to watch "Johnny Quest" in days!" he wailed. A
moment later he realized what he had said. "Oh @#$%, umm, that’s not what I
said, what I actually said was…was…" he trailed off, seeing that his excuses
had not effect. Unfortunately, everybody was too busy rolling on the floor
and laughing at him to notice either his excuses or the fact that he had
noticed that they were all rolling on the floor and laughing.

Kagato sighed, and thanked whatever deities might be watching that Ryoko had
not been in the room. Suddenly, all his hopes were shattered by a voice
behind him. "Johnny Quest? But…but…that show is so gay!" said Ryoko,
struggling to control her bladder. He then paused for effect and continued.
"Ooooohhhhh, riiiiight, I totally forgot, I guess you do have a reason to
watch it. Hey, why are you muttering about atheism?" Alas, she never received
an answer to her query, as he found it necessary to make a strategic
retreat. (Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial Arts Final Attack: speed,
separation, and strategy-in other words, running away until you think of
something)

Once Kagato had finished trying, unsuccessfully of course, to kill Ryoko, he
returned to the group. "We need a plan of action!" he said enthusiastically.
The rest of the group glanced at each other and slowly started edging
towards the door, they were, however, stopped by the fact that Washu was
standing in front of it and looked about ready to make a speech. Seeing
this, everyone, including Kagato, made themselves comfortable and settled
themselves for a nice nap…er…speech.

Taking no notice of their preparation, Washu began to speak…and the world
trembled, well not trembled per say. More of went to sleep, come to think of
it. Washu cleared her throat. Oh, sorry. Unruffled by the delay, Washu
proceeded. "There is no need for a plan, for, you see, I have already
deduced who the culprit is!" Washu paused, waiting for the gasp that was
supposed to occur in moments like these. After waiting for about fifteen
minutes, she finally decided that she wasn’t going to get one, and went on
with his speech. "Through their every word, deed, and thought, they have
given themselves away. But, they made one mistake, and that was,
underestimating me, Inspector Gadget-I mean Washu." Hurriedly, she looked
around to see if anyone had noticed her mistake, but, fortunately, everyone
had already fallen asleep while she was waiting for the gasp.

After waking everybody up, Washu continued. Fortunately, there was only one
sentence left. "The one who formulated the plan, who paid off the choir, and
who was out to make Kagato go insane is…" Everyone failed to lean forward in
eager anticipation. "…Ryoko!"

"Yeah, I did it," said Ryoko, who had come in when everyone was asleep. "I’m
glad I did it." She turned towards Kagato. "No one gets away with waking me
up at three in the morning, you hear? No one! It was a perfect plan, and I
would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids and
your dog!"

Washu raised an eyebrow, "for your information, We don't have a dog."

"Whatever," said Ryoko, but was unfortunately not allowed to continue,
because at that moment, Tsunami appeared and whacked the author on the head
with her Frying Pan of Doom (forged by the great Masamune himself).

"Owwww! What was that for?" the author whined.

"Because you’re a moron!" yelled Tsunami. "First of all, Kagato woke Ryoko
up after the choir had been tormenting him, and second of all, you ripped of
most of Ryoko's speech from Scooby Doo! How stupid are you? I demand that
you change this ending,"

"What if I don’t wanna?" asked the author sullenly. Tsunami hefted her
frying pan threateningly. "Fine, fine, FINE! I’ll change the bloody ending.
New Ending!"

**********

"The one who formulated the plan, who paid off the choir, and who was out to
make Kagato go insane is…" Everyone failed to lean forward in eager
anticipation. "…Sasami!"

*WHAM*

"I take it you don’t like this ending, either?" said the author, cradling
his aching head.

"No I don’t like this ending," retorted Tsunami. "This one is worse than the
other one. Now make a new ending and start taking this seriously-or I shall
have to whack you again!"

"Alright already! New Ending! Places everyone!"

**********

"The one who…blah, blah, blah, so on and so forth, if you think I’m writing
that whole thing again-you’re nuts. And don’t even try to tell me that I can
just copy it…is…Kagato’s imaginary twin brother who was separated from him
at birth, but unfortunately doesn’t exist so he couldn’t…have…done…it. Oh
yeah, sorry, scratch that idea then." Everyone stared at Washu in amazement.

"Erm…excuse me?" said a tentative voice behind them. Everyone turned around
to behold a member of the choir standing in front of them. "Umm, do you mind
if we leave now? Only, our contract just ran out and we don’t get paid
anymore." Noticing that everyone seemed to be glaring at him, he suddenly
felt the urge to justify himself. "Cos see, there were some people from
Tokyo in the choir and they were ticked off with him," he said, pointing at
Kagato. "And Pioneer hired us for a really long time and so they thought
they could get back at him like that, andanywayithinki’llgonowbye!" And
saying this he scurried away and was never seen or heard from again. (Mostly
because he wasn’t watching were he scurried and fell off a nearby mountain)

"WHAT?" yelled Kagato. "I’LL DESTROY THEM ALL!!!" And, frothing at the
mouth, he ran off after where most of the choir had disappeared to.

"Hey, shouldn’t we help them, or protect them or something?" asked Tenchi.

"Naaah, they were asking for it," said Ryoko, unconcerned. "Now if you don’t
mind, it’s only six o’clock, I want to get the rest of my beauty sleep."

"Hah," snickered Ayeka, "You’d have to sleep for, I don’t know, a year.
Ohmygod, help meeeeeee! Ryoko, can’t we just talk this over! Come on!" They
soon disappeared over a hill.

"God, I can’t believe it, I had, like, no lines through this whole fic!"
said Mihoshi. "I mean, even Tenchi over there had one line, I want to
protest!" Suddenly a lightning bolt streaked down and smacked into her.
"Wait, I was just kidding, really." Unfortunately, the author was in a bad
mood over getting whacked by Tsunami, so the lightning bolts kept coming,
until finally Mihoshi ran away.

"You know, I think I’ve noticed a pattern," said Sasami. "The author’s
getting rid of everyone, I think we should leave, like now, before she does
something unpleasant to us" Everyone else there, seeing the logic in her
statement (though only Washu would put it that way) agreed and left.

The End