"ALWAYS BE TRUE TO YOUR HEART" Part Three: 'Pain Makes You Alive.' By Lesell Charis (Lesell_Charis@yahoo.com) DISCLAIMER: This is a fan fic, which means fan fiction, which in turns mean I don't own the characters in it. No they're owned by AIC and Pioneer entertainment, and as such I am using them for my fic, oh Pioneer God, please don't sue this humble peon, who is only worshipping your creations by writing about them. The words in this story belong to me, as well as plot, description, title, and what have you, don't plagiarise them. Please refrain from reproducing this story anywhere else in whole or in part without asking me, thanks. NOTES: This fanfic is the third and final in my three part series. It continues from Always Be True To Your Heart, Part Two; "No Regrets". You need to be familiar with the events of part one and part two before you read this, otherwise you'll be mighty confused and shaking your head a lot and I won't be there to tell you what happened! Will I!? WILL I!? Er... anyway, other things to note; there are a few Japanese words and a glossary at the end, as well as a bit of 'thought' speak, throughout. Pay attention and you should understand who's speaking when. If you're looking for part I and II-- you can find them on my website: www.animeart.com/Lesell or you can try Gensao's archive—www.tmffa.com. (A great place). Thanks all and happy reading. Previously in Always Be True To Your Heart; II "No Regrets" ================ "__ _____ Ayeka!" Ryoko screams at me, hysterical. "Do you hear me Tenchi!?" she's shaking my shoulders. I can see it in her, wild-eyed and hysterical. "Wha... What?" I say, not catching the beginning of her shout. "Ayeka's dead, Tenchi!" I nod dumbly. "and I killed her!" ================ Now for part three. ABT: Part Three: 'Pain Means You're Alive'. By Lesell Charis _____ Tsunami evaporates, and Sasami reels, shocked, and slumps to the floor. I move towards her, concerned, but Tenchi and Washu are already by her side. "Sasami!" Tenchi cries out, holding her. "Tenchi... oh Tenchi..." her pretty face twists into a mask of pain, and her small hands cover her tears. "Sasami," Washu takes her by the shoulders, her gaze motherly, it's the same gaze she tries on me when she wants to be taken seriously. "What happened?" she asks her, her eyes meeting Sasami's tear-filled ones. She rubs her palm over her face, sending wet tear smudges over it. "It didn't work..." She sighs, "Tsunami's power didn't work..." she continues in a quiet voice. I gasp. We stand there, unable to believe it for a moment. //Why?// I ask myself. //What is it that made it fail?// "Ayeka's going to die..." Sasami finally chokes out, and sobs, while Washu holds her. "NO!" Tenchi screams. I gaze at Tenchi and my heart tightens in pain. His fists are clenched, his gaze hard. I've never seen him so angry. It's as if his sadness has turned into rage. "She can't die!" I put my hand on Tenchi's shoulder. "Tenchi..." I say, softly, We are quiet for a moment, and the silence is broken by Sasami's particularly loud sob. I gaze at her concerned, and Washu turns to me. [I'm going to talk to her.] She says, and I know that I am the only one to hear it. {I'm going to talk to Tenchi.} I shoot back, and she nods again. Usually I hate her invading my thoughts, but given the circumstances I don't protest. Washu ushers Sasami out with the excuse that we should; "all get some sleep," and I think she means it for Katsuhito's benefit. But the old man looks at Tenchi and I, and turns to leave, taking the hint. I doubt he's going to sleep. He looks as bad as I feel... but he, like me, hides it well. And so, finally, Tenchi and I are alone. I haven't been alone with him since the time I ran away and he chased me; the day after Ayeka and Tenchi's midnight 'rendezvous.' Since the accident he avoids me, and I don't try to bring up yesterday. Like I want to talk about it, anyway. I'd be happy never mentioning it again-- not after what happened. //But we're not really alone, are we?// I realise bitterly. Just like an hour ago in this very lab, we weren't alone. I glance at Ayeka. //No, we're not alone,// I think to myself. //And we never will be.// I move my gaze to Tenchi, he hasn't moved since shouting before. His frame rigid, his fists clenched. Suddenly an overwhelming sense of loss overcomes me as I look at him. I just want to hug him again. I want it to be like it used to be, close to him. I move to embrace him and almost expect Ayeka to rise up from the bed near us and smack me. For once, I would welcome it. I sigh, softly. "Oh, Tenchi..." as my arms embrace him, he pulls away and I reel, hurt. He takes a couple of steps away from me. "I'm sorry." he says, his voice cracking and his eyes meeting mine. He turns and leaves the lab. "Tenchi!" I cry after him, my hand outstretched. But I don't run after him as I usually would have. I lack the strength to follow him. I can't follow him. Not anymore. Instead, I pull the guest chair by the bed closer to Ayeka, and slump down on it, defeated. Sighing I think about Ayeka. //How could Tsunami have failed?// my mind wonders. //How can it be possible? Ayeka's Jurian, she's part of Tsunami. It should have worked. Why didn't it?// I touch her hand, but part of me feels inner turmoil. I look at Ayeka's pale face, her closed eyes, her still form. The darkness surrounding her. I know Darkness. I clamp my own eyes shut and tighten my grip on Ayeka's hand, trying to keep the memories from my mind. I remember the darkness, though I wish I didn't. And I remember the cold. I know Cold. That's how it felt... That's how *I* felt... Dark and cold and alone. I glance at Ayeka. "But why you, Ayeka? Why are you there?" I say to her, though I know she won't hear me. I remember the Darkness... That's how I *feel*... [Ryoko... Don't go there, Ryoko] At first I can't tell whether the voice is in my mind, or spoken, but recognition sets in as I recognise Washu. {Wash--} I begin, about to tell my so called *mother* to leave me the hell alone. [She's there because she doesn't want to live anymore. You were there for the same reason.] I hate her invading my privacy; I hate her forcing herself into my mind, but her comment surprises me. {What?} I ask her, telepathically. {What do you mean?} [Not even Tsunami's power can overcome what's wrong with Ayeka,] she notes. {Why not?} I ask her. {Ayeka's Jurian... part of Tsunami. Can't she prevent death? Can't she heal everything...?} [She can't heal a broken heart, Ryoko.] She tells me, telepathically. [Tsunami can't bring Ayeka back... because... Ayeka doesn't *want* to be brought back,] she continues softly. Shocked, I glance at Ayeka, her bandaged body, her ghostly presence. {What? Why?} [You know why. You should know... you're the only one that does. I know what happened Ryoko. But it's imperative you don't do anything--] I cut her off; pushing her out of my mind, something I couldn't seem to do before, yet a skill that I'm slowly mastering. There is no peace for me while Washu invades my thoughts, but I'm thankful that I can filter her chatter to a small din in the back of my mind and not a loud yakking in my frontal lobe. I don't want to hear her go on about what I should, or should not, do. After all, she is my mother. Aren't they meant to be ignored, sometimes? I sigh as I glance at Ayeka. That was *my* punishment-- darkness. That was *my* price to pay-- coldness. That was *my* penalty-- loneliness... It was *my* torment, not yours, Ayeka. My endless torment... "And now you want to take that away from me too?" I sigh. My mind wanders morbidly, thinking of the past... of the torment... of the darkness... "What if..." I say, toying with an idea, yet stifling the thought as soon as it appears in my mind. //Breathe, Ryoko, you're letting this get to you. Be strong, stay strong, act strong...// I tell myself. Something I've always told myself. Yet the snake like tendril of the morbid idea has latched onto my brain, and as it raises itself to the front of my thoughts I realise that, I've always thought I was strong, always acted strong, always reassured myself I was the strongest... But I don't think I believe it anymore. And the tendril of thought wraps around my brain like the snake in the Garden of Eden. I let go of her hand, trying to push insistent memories out of my mind. I divert my attention to the tubes surrounding Ayeka, leading in and out of the machinery nearby. The machines are beeping and hissing, giving her air, inflating her lungs. I wonder about the nature of life, how one mistake can cause death, how one power failure can take a life, how someone can die from a heart attack, or their heart just stopping... So many ways to die... And if there's one thing I've learned about life is that people are easy to kill. Kagato taught me that lesson. Life is so delicate, so fragile. People are so weak. This accident, this stupid accident, and Ayeka lies here, dying... weak... enclosed by darkness, making everyone miserable. Even herself. Deny people what they need and they're extinguished... What if... I remember the darkness... I know the darkness... My head jerks up. The long straining beep meets my ears. Kami-sama... No... Did I? --HAVE I?-- I glance wildly about the room... my hand is resting over the power switch. I jerk my fingers away as if the switch is hot to the touch. "No...no!" I whimper aloud. I glance at the monitors, look at the respirator-- it is unmoving. The only thing working is the heart monitor... And it is whining, a long deafening whine... "NO! AYEKA!" I scream, and try, frantically to turn the power back on. The respirator kicks in; the 'fwssh' inflating her lungs... but inflating the lungs on a corpse still leaves a ... corpse... I killed her... "Kami sama..." I say, stepping back from the bed, possessed, wildly taking steps back. I have to get out of here, I have to get... "RYOKO!" Washu, screams, as she runs in, runs over to Ayeka. "What... happened?!" Tears sting my face... "I killed her," I whisper. Washu's eyes lock on mine. "You... what did you DO?!" I stagger out of the laboratory, my legs like jelly, the tears streaming down my face. My chest contracts with sobs, and I cry in the corridor, loud sobs, echoing through the house. "I killed her..." I say, "I killed her..." over and over, I repeat it to myself, my body rocking back and forth, hugging myself, I sob. I hear the front door open and I know who it is. I hear Tenchi's swift footsteps echo through the house, him coming closer, breathing heavily, panting, he stops abruptly at my feet as he sees me. "Oh, No..." he says. Washu closes the laboratory door with a gentle sigh, and kneels at me trying to stroke my hair and hug me, barely glancing at Tenchi. "No..." Tenchi says, his form trembling. "Tenchi..." Washu says, glancing at me, then back at him. "What's happened, Washu... tell me..." he chokes out. She sighs, and is about to speak when I shrug off her touch, and speak for her. "Ayeka's.... dead." I say the word dead like it's a curse, spitting it out to get it away from me. I get up, my fists clenched. I see Tenchi visibly pale. He grips the stair railing nearby. "And I killed her..." I mutter. "I killed her, Tenchi!" I yell, louder this time. "Dead...?" He says, not hearing, his knee's bucking. "TENCHI!" I grab him. "I turned her respirator off... She's dead because of me!" I cry, shaking him, but he doesn't hear. "I KILLED AYEKA!" I scream at him, my shout hysterical, my arms on his shoulders, shaking him a bit. "Wha... What?" He blinks a few times. "Ayeka's dead, Tenchi..." I whisper, letting go of him and pulling away. He nods. "And I killed her..." I tell him, and look away, hardly daring to look at him, I don't want to see his expression; I don't want to see the hate in his eyes. I don't want to see that... I feel my throat tighten as more tears dare to come. I close my eyes, and I see darkness. The Darkness... I remember the darkness... Darkness... *** *** *** *** It's been five years. Five summers have gone. Five autumns have passed. Five winters have shot by; their chill biting. And four springs. Four melancholy and regretful springs have gone by. The fifth now, no less melancholy than the rest. Maybe more so, because with when it ends, it will mark the fifth year exactly. The fifth year since Ayeka's death. It's hot today, humid-- unusual for spring, which is usually cold throughout. The cicadas are chirping and they get on my nerves. I don't see the point of a bug that's around just to make noise. I guess that's why they call them bugs. Then again Tenchi is telling me that they chirp to attract the opposite sex. If that's true then I can understand them. I mean, making a lot of noise to get noticed? That sounds familiar... No, I can't blame a cicada for being loud if that's the reason why. I've done more than chirp in the name of love. Tenchi beams at me as I share that with him and strokes my hand. Smiling he confides; "I really love you, Ryoko." And I nod happily. Much like the days until her eventual demise, the days grow longer, the flowers prettier. Tenchi told me once that he feels her presence most at this time of the year. When the regal ume and cherry blossoms waft slowly over his shrine; and the tips of all the buds slowly open their sleepy eyes and stretch out with all their might to the warming sun. When the clouds begin to shine their silver lining at the end of winter, only to migrate onwards at the beginning of spring, leaving a flawless azure sky in their wake. Each past spring he's explained why spring reminds him of Ayeka, and I concede he's right; we even got married in the spring, He sits close to me, and pats my rounded stomach. "Almost time," he says, and grins at me. I take his hand. "Wouldn't it be nice if she's born in spring? Wouldn't it be fitting?" I say, snuggling close to him. He nods as his arm moves around my shoulder, and he pulls me close. "Spring always reminds me of..." "Ayeka, I know, Tenchi." I nod. "And it'd work out just right if baby Ayeka were born now," I say. "She loved spring..." he continues. "Do you remember when she died?" He asks, surprising me. I stiffen. How could I forget the night Ayeka died? "Y-yes..." I choke out, turning quiet, and pulling slightly away. I know he remembers what I did, too, although in the 5 years we've been together, and the one year we've been married, he's never accused me, never blamed me, never told me it was my fault. "The blossoms were two weeks late... and they all blossomed the day after she died. Like they had done so for her." He says, "and when we finally buried her, the flowers all blew everywhere, the petals like tears, over where we had the burial, like they were crying for her..." He trails off, softly "Oh..." I say, relaxing. I hadn't expected him to say that. I snuggle back up to him. "Yeah. I remember it was filled with pink and white, of the ume and sakura..." I reflect on Ayeka's burial, for a moment, but try to push it out of my mind, I don't want to think of sadness when my life is so joyful. "I love you, Tenchi." I say, and I smile at him. He beams at me, and opens his mouth as if to speak. "I really love you Ryoko..." "I know, Tenchi," I beam. "But..." "But...?" I stop for a moment, as déjà vu over comes me. "But what Tenchi?" "I really love you, Ryoko..." he says. I don't understand why he keeps saying that. "I really love--" "STOP!" I yell. "Hmm?" He looks at me, hurt. "Stop what...?" "Stop saying that..." I wonder if he was being annoying on purpose. "Saying what? I haven't said anything for a while..." He looks genuinely perplexed, so I drop it. I snuggle up close to him and he puts his arms around me again. There we sit, tranquil in the afternoon sun, the cicada's still chirping. At this moment I thank my lucky stars. This is my dream come true, content in Tenchi's arms, loved by Tenchi. Suddenly, I feel the baby kick in my stomach, and giggle. Tenchi shoots me a quizzical look and I put my hand over his, guiding it to the bulge. As if on cue, the baby kicks again and Tenchi laughs. Dropping close to my stomach he pats it affectionately and talks softly to it. "Baby Ayeka kicking mama huh?" he smiles again. "Be easy on mama, Ayeka..." he says, softly. "She was only doing it for love..." he says. "Hmm?" I ask him, confused. He turns to me, his gaze icy. "Killing Ayeka, of course... Ryoko the Murderer..." he spits out. I freeze under his gaze. Reality goes black, my dreams darken, and I awake. *** *** *** *** My head hurts like a thousand pound weight has been dropped on it. Groggily, I get up, the room spinning. //Where am I?// I think to myself, my eyes adjusting to the dark, and as I gaze around the dimly lit room, I see that I'm alone. For a short while I forget the events of the past day, but like the dawn cresting over the hill, the memories return, like the recurring sun. I notice I'm tucked into a bed, Ayeka's bed-- Sasami's futon lies a slight way from me, her sleeping in it. I'm in Ayeka's room... Or... what *was* Ayeka's room... because now she's... Gone... I shake my head, not wanting to think about what I've done. "Ryoko...?" I hear Washu call softly from the corridor outside, and footsteps slowly coming to the door. Not wanting to face her, I teleport to the roof. I'll face everyone when I'm good and ready, not before. Yet as if on cue, I feel Washu enter my mind. [Ryoko, I know you're awake. Please come d--] I ignore her persistent requests, and try to close my mind to the whine of her thoughts. I sigh as I watch the sunrise, the dawn of a new day arriving. A day with an irreversible wrong I've committed and now have to face. Not light years into the future where I'm content with Tenchi... //If only...// I sigh to myself. "Miya...?" I notice Ryo-oh-ki on the roof, nuzzling my leg. She doesn't seem to comprehend what happened, either that, or she doesn't know. I pick her up and place her in my lap. "Oh Ryo-oh-ki..." I sigh, watching the sun slowly setting. Holding her close, I feel her wet tongue on my cheek. I scratch her ears and she purrs. "What have you been up to? Hmm?" I ask her, scratching under her chin. Her thoughts are like a flood pouring into my own, jumbled images and thoughts. She knows Ayeka has a 'boo boo' as she calls it, and she knows that everyone is very sad, and for 'sad', she shows me a picture of Sasami crying, and I wince. She tells me that Sasami went to sleep a while ago, and that she and Mihoshi stayed with her. She also says that afterwards, Mihoshi was sad, and to make Mihoshi feel better, she stayed until she fell asleep, too. I scratch the little cabbit's ears for being so caring. I look into her thoughts again. Sometimes Ryo-oh-ki doesn't understand what people are saying, but she can tell the general mood. At times it's hard to interpret Ryo-oh-ki's thoughts, but I can usually gather the meaning in images and broken words. It's a skill that has improved over time, both for me understanding her, and her communicating with me. Ryo-oh-ki generally doesn't forget anything; it's something that's necessary for her to be a good ship. If she forgets the battle pattern of a Jurian royal tree and moves in the wrong position at the wrong time, it could spell our demise. I don't want to pry, but I find myself referencing Ryo-oh-ki's memory with Mihoshi, and soon visions form, feelings and thoughts assail my mind. The room is dark, and I can see Mihoshi, feel her arms constricting me. "I'll be brave..." Mihoshi whispers, cradling Ryo-oh-ki. "I have to be brave for Sasami! So I won't cry!" She says resolutely, but quietly; so as not to wake Sasami in the bed close to her. Ryo-oh-ki has good night vision, so I can see well around the dim room. "I have to be Sasami's big sister now that Ayeka is..." Mihoshi begins, but she doesn't continue, and just sniffles quietly a bit, which for Mihoshi, the loudest crier in the world, is saying something. Ryo-oh- ki purrs and licks Mihoshi's face. I can taste salt and skin. I shudder somewhat, somehow tasting Mihoshi's face wasn't what I had planned in referencing this memory, and I remove myself from Ryo-oh-ki's thoughts. That was before, she says. She left after Mihoshi fell asleep. She tells she came to see me, but wants to see Ayeka and keep her company. She hopes she'll help Ayeka recover from her 'boo boo'. "You can't..." I say, beginning to cry. "Miya?" Instead of continuing, I just cradle Ryo-oh-ki to me, as the tears fall. Ayeka will never recover... because I killed her... "What have I done?" I whisper. Why did I do it? How could I turn that switch off? But I know why. I shake my head. I don't want to think about why. I don't want to think about myself... what I've done. Instead, I focus on Ryo-oh-ki's thoughts, slip into her memories, I think about the lovely swim she had before coming up here, the leaf she chased and fought. Her feelings are happy, pure, simple, not guilt ridden plaguing thoughts of a proven murderer by nature... It's easy to get caught up in the memories of someone else, and I go through numerous battle formations, the Jurian fleet, the Galaxy Police star-ships, the way she loves carrots because they taste so 'nya-mmy' as she calls it. The way the leaf blows in the wind as she tries to bite it and scratch it, how mad she gets when she accidentally smacks into the door... Oh no... no... not this memory. I've accessed it before, I know it off by heart, and now I find myself viewing it, once again... I can see Tenchi and Ayeka, sitting on the engawa, outside, talking. Ryo-oh-ki wonders if Tenchi has carrots, and opens her mouth eagerly to ask him: "Miya?" Ryo-oh-ki says. "Oh, hello Ryo-oh-ki..." Tenchi says, looking away from Ayeka and to Ryo-oh-ki. "Miya!" Ryo-oh-ki cries, roughly translated as: "Carrots!" running for them, she fails to notice the glass between them; and smacks hard against it. "Aw, Ryo-oh-ki, you okay?" I hear Tenchi's concerned voice. "Poor little thing!" I can hear Ayeka echo his concern. She shakes her head, or ours-- unhurt, but dazed. She begins to growl at the 'entity' in front of her, eyeing the glass suspiciously. I hear Tenchi and Ayeka giggle, but Ryo-oh-ki makes no note. Growling and tensing, her back arches up, and Ayeka and Tenchi begin to laugh. I hate this part... I hate referencing this memory. Why am I looking at this? Wasn't the dozen times I watched this after the 'rendezvous' enough? Hearing the laughter, Ryo-oh-ki stops her battle with the glass, and watches, them, slightly confused. I don't listen, I've heard the conversation before, but I still watch the memory, unable to turn away. I see them, laughing and talking, Ayeka's eyes twinkling, and Tenchi's smile bright. I glower internally, but Ryo-oh-ki is just confused at their laughter. She steps forward, to hear them better and her nose touches the glass, sniffing it for a moment, she phases through. She sits on the engawa with them, her head cocked to one side contemplating them. I watch them; hurt traversing through me as I see each stolen glance between them, each secret smile. Ryo-oh-ki however doesn't note this—she only picks up on the laughter, and their stares at her. Somewhat insulted, she phases back through, obviously disappointed there were no carrots for her, and that Ayeka didn't scratch her under the chin like she usually does. But she doesn't leave. Sleepily, she sits on the carpet by them, just inside the glass, intending to wait until Ayeka is alone so she can pet her, or Tenchi feed her, since Sasami is asleep. "I hardly ever hear you laugh," Tenchi says, as Ryo-oh-ki watches them, waiting. She doesn't note the tone of his voice, doesn't see his gaze. I do. I see it all. I see his face, her face. I see everything as Ryo-oh-ki watches them. His stolen glances, the way his eyes crinkle when she smiles. The way his brows knit when she goes quiet, the way his hand slides over closer to hers, but stops before touching it. And she doesn't see it. Ayeka doesn't see it, she looks up, away from him, red faced, and says: "Always be true to your heart, Tenchi, ... always-- don't be scared." He inhales like he's seen a ghost. And I see him look at her, his eyes betraying love. How could I not notice before this? How could I not see the signs? But I did... I saw the signs. I saw it all. I knew I was acting odd-- wearing a summer dress that was Tenchi's mother's I deliberately made an entrance to anger Ayeka, that day of the picnic, the day before everything happened-- and to get Tenchi's attention, because day by day, I felt it slip, I deliberately clung to him because I knew I was losing him. I acted desperate and foolish, I acted jealous and resentful because I knew. I knew it all. I remove myself from Ryo-oh-ki's memory. Ryo-oh-ki purrs a bit and teleports shortly after I stop petting her. Ayeka... I thought it was her fault. I thought it was her stupid fault. Everything-- the misunderstanding, the accident, I thought she wasn't seeing the signs. I thought that if it wasn't for her stupidity, none of this would have happened. I thought if she had only opened her eyes... But what could she see? She saw Tenchi call me beautiful, she saw him be captivated by me. I was so happy, but when I took him away he resisted so much, I brought him back to the picnic. Ayeka didn't see that... Ayeka saw me fly into a jealous rage the next day when I heard about her and Tenchi spending the night together. She saw me bolt, she saw me run to the cave, crying. I knew he'd follow me, I knew he couldn't just leave me distressed. I prayed he'd come, I sat at the cave and I waited. And he came. Ayeka didn't see him keep his distance, didn't hear him explain himself to me about the night; "we were only up at the same time..." he had said, "we didn't do anything but talk about Jurai, and laugh over Ryo-oh-ki accidentally smacking into the glass..." Ayeka didn't see me reference Ryo-oh-ki's memories then and there and see what they had seen that night—I saw the night had been innocent, I saw that nothing had gone on. And I was happy. I thought I was in the race, but I hadn't looked close enough yet... I saw what I wanted to see, not what was there, the same way she couldn't see Tenchi's love, through her own. And so, when the uneasiness overtook me, I wouldn't let him leave to go back to the house. She didn't know he kept asking to go back, she didn't know I kept him there even though he insisted. All she saw was another time I'd stolen him away and we hadn't come back. Maybe I wanted her to think that-- maybe I kept him there on purpose so she'd get the wrong impression. Maybe I was just afraid of losing him, but as night came, I conceded and we went back. I saw defeat-- she saw a girl in love with the boy she loved, gone for hours and hours. And that night, she didn't see what I saw. And she didn't hear him, that night, didn't see him... But I did... And although I don't want to, I close my eyes and remember... *** *** *** *** "Tenchi!" I said, breezing into the room, wondering why he asked him to meet him up here, perhaps for a little snuggle I hoped, clinging to him. "What did you want to tell me?" "Ryoko..." he said, gravely, removing me somewhat. I didn't push the point, and glomp him again, instead something made me stand still, by him. "You know... I'm really fond of you..." He began, looking down in nervousness. I felt hope rising slowly. I wondered. "But..." My heart began to contract in a violent spasm. Suddenly I felt sick. Part of me dreaded his next words. "There are two kinds of love..." he continued... "I love you, Ryoko... but I love Ayeka, too......" he said, sighing, and pausing. "This isn't easy to say..." I wanted to say it for him, and my mouth opened, but words wouldn't form. I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, like a blow to the head I was stunned. "The way I feel about Ayeka is different to the way I love you. I do love you, as a friend..." He continued, and I felt my heart break. The tears began to come. I knew what was coming next. "But you're in love with her." I finished, almost crying. He nodded. "I think... I knew..." I said. "I think I knew before you did, which is why I acted so strangely." I continued hoarsely. "I knew I was... losing you..." Stupid, I thought to myself, 'losing him,' implies that once I had him... I never had him... The tears came. "Oh Ryoko..." He said, whispering into my ear, holding my hand, his brows knit in concern and his gaze filled with worry. "I'm sorry." I fell into his arms, crying. It hurt so much, and as the air became tense, I tried my best to be happy for both of them. "Can I be a bridesmaid?" I said, stifling impulse to scream and cry and ruin his happiness. I braved a smile through the heartache I felt, and looking up at him. "Aww geez," he blushed, "I-I really don't know, yet." He said, embarrassed, smiling back at me somewhat. Part of me still liked his blush, and I smiled genuinely, even though the pain stabbed me, and I felt the ache so strong. I clung to him so as not to fall over in anguish. "Tenchi..." I said, my voice small. "Yeah?" he said, his voice soft and somewhat troubled, knowing that this wasn't easy for him or for me. I began, my voice a whisper. "You know I've always loved you..." He nodded at this, but I put my finger to his lips before he could say anything. I felt that if I heard him speak I wouldn't ask, and I wanted to use the little courage I had, while it was still there. "I have to ask a favour of you," I whispered, "please-- kiss me-- Tenchi " I said, my voice wavering. His eyes opened wide, his mouth moving for what I dreaded would be a "no," but before he could speak, I continued hurriedly; "I always dreamed you'd be my first... I always dreamed you'd pick me, and that we'd be happy." My voice began to tremble... "She's won you now. You're hers. But please, let me claim a kiss, as mine..." I finished, my voice straining with emotion. He said nothing for a while, as if contemplating, and the strength finally gone, I also didn't reply. Then slowly, he nodded, and I looked up at him. Even knowing he didn't love me, I loved him, and love shone in my eyes as I tilted my head up to kiss him. His lips brushed mine, Ayeka had Tenchi forever, and I had his first kiss, and I would treasure it. "Thank you Tenchi..." I whispered. "I'm happy, for you." He smiled somewhat. "Are you really happy?" I thought about it for a moment. It hurt like hell, but was it worth it? It made me sad, but didn't the sadness make me alive? I was happy. If not for me, then for him, so I didn't lie as I told him; "I'm truly happy..." "I really love you, Ryoko..." he said, his eyes teary. "I know" I said, softly. He loved me, but he wasn't *in* love with me. And I as I gazed, heard a vase shatter, and turning, I saw her shocked face, and I heard Tenchi's gasp, and I saw Ayeka run. For the last time... *** *** *** *** After that day, two nights ago, I cursed her for seeing what she saw, I cursed her for being stupid, I blamed her for not letting Tenchi tell her... It was her fault. But in reality, it's always been mine. The accident was my fault. Her death was my fault. I killed her, on purpose... Oh, God... what have I become? I look at my hands, the hands of a murderer. Life without Tenchi is enough to make me kill? "Am I that selfish?" I cry out, the hands covering my face as I cry. "I'm sorry Ayeka..." I didn't want her to die. I didn't mean for this to happen. I look up as I apologise to her soul. Sasami doesn't have a sister, Tenchi his love, all because I was selfish, all because I wanted that daydream to come true. For a split second I hoped that with her gone, he'd finally pick me. He didn't while she lived and breathed, so he would while she breathed her last breath...? And now... Ayeka is gone, forever. I'd give anything to give her back. Anything to trade her life for mine. She didn't want to live because Tenchi had rejected her... Much like I didn't want to, either. I want to die. I should have just killed myself, instead of her. I should just fly up, right now, and drop to my demise. I can't live without Tenchi, and what I've done. He doesn't love me, everything is meaningless now, anyway. Not only that, he'll hate me for killing Ayeka. It's time to stop being selfish and put me out of everyone's misery. I stand, fists clenched. Oh grow up, Ryoko. Shut up... Washu... But it's not Washu in my brain, I realise. It's my own voice, a clear voice, deep inside of me. You talk about selflessness, but everything has been about you, each act about you. You gave her the impression he loved you, to get at her. You clung to him to make her jealous. You made him follow you when he didn't want to, because you were selfish. //Shut up!// I tell the voice, mentally, //I don't want to hear you. I'm not listening!// But despite my claim, I am, and my train of thought continues, undisturbed: You made him stay with you when you were sad because you wanted to pretend that he was all yours. You got him to kiss you, not because you wanted him to be your first kiss, but because you wanted *his* first kiss to be yours-- and not hers. You killed her because you wanted no competition. And when you kill yourself, and he's without Ayeka and without a friend he loves, that will be the ultimate selfish act. The ultimate selfish thing you could do is think about yourself, again, and end your life. So grow up, face Tenchi, and move on. I blink, startled. I never stopped to think, that if I died, Tenchi would be sad. I just thought that without Tenchi, I couldn't cope. With him mad, it wasn't worth living anymore, to me. But everything's been 'to me'. It's time to stop it being 'to me' 'about me' or 'for me'. It's time to find Tenchi. {Washu.} I seethe through the mental connection. {Where's Tenchi?} [Ryoko! I hate it when you ignore me--] I ignore her, then after a moment-- ask again. {Where's Tenchi.} It's more a command than a question. [In the kitchen-- But Ryoko, listen to--] The continuation of the sentence is drowned out as I leap up, into the air and teleport to the stairs. I don't teleport directly to the kitchen, not wanting to startle Tenchi with my sudden appearance. Instead, I open the door slowly, and see him making tea, his shoulders slumped. I float beside him. "Tenchi..." I say painfully. He turns. I expect fury. I expect hate. I expect loathing and accusation. I brace for an eruption and it doesn't come. I see only tears. I wish he would yell at me, or scream or tell me he hated me, I can't stand tears, I can't -- He startles me by putting his arms around me. Reflexively, I wince. Why is he embracing me? How *can* he, after what I've done? Tenchi's voice comes out strained. "Oh God Ryoko, I'm sorry for being so cold..." What? What's he talking about? He continues, fighting for breath through the tears. "I'm glad you're back. I was so afraid I was going to lose one of you, today..." His breath comes in unevenly, wavering with emotion. "Just when Washu stabilises Ayeka-- you blackout on me." He pulls away from me, a barely-there smile on his lips and the fresh tears in his eyes. "You girls must conspire to make me worry like this." The things he's saying hit me, not all at once, but like several successive shots to the head. "What?" I don't understand. "Ayeka's all right?" I blurt, confused. The smile fades from his face. "No... she's-- not... she's-- where she has been. We almost lost her completely. You were there-- didn't you hear her monitor stop?" He looks at me. "I thought... I thought, she was dead..." He shuts his eyes. "No, she's not dead." He says, firmly. "I... I killed her..." I continue, not understanding. He glances at me, and then looks away. "You haven't talked to Washu, yet..." He pauses. "You didn't kill Ayeka," he continues, "she's... not fine, but alive. I don't know why you thought you did, but you almost gave *me* a heart attack, when you started saying she'd died, and then when you passed out cold on me..." "But I turned off her..." I say, not finishing the thought as Tenchi looks at me as if I were crazy. "I thought she was dead." I say, bluntly. "I saw myself kill her..." "Are you feeling alright, Ryoko...? I know you thought that, but it must have been just a co- incidence, with Ayeka's relapse, and the machinery beeping... you must have gotten spooked, thought you'd knocked out a tube or something......" Tenchi says, feeling my forehead. "Perhaps you need to rest a bit more. I've never seen you just faint like that...I was so worried about you, too..." I don't understand... the image of Ayeka dying is so real. "You're sure?" "See for yourself, I haven't left her all night, except to make myself some tea just now..." He says. I shake my head, not daring to believe Ayeka is really alive...... it was too real... what I'd done. I notice Washu in the corner of the room, watching us. "Ryoko." She seethes, her voice low and angry. "Tenchi..." She says to him, her voice taking on a more normal tone, "I hope you don't mind, if I talk to my darling daughter alone......?" She says, sweetly, the words 'darling' and 'daughter' stressed as if they are swear words. He looks at us, and nods, heading for the lab. Washu glares at me. She doesn't yell, but her voice is shaking. "*Never* close your mind off to me, again." "I'll do what I like." I retort in a rebellious manner, yet internally I wonder what she means. She looks away, and I think I can see tears, but when she looks up she's blinked them away. "I thought you had died, when I heard nothing, when I couldn't 'feel' you anymore..." She sighs, softly. "If you *ever* do that again, *I'll* kill you, myself." My eyes open wide, as she speaks. What does she mean, she couldn't 'feel' me. "What?" I ask her, confused. Cut off? I never cut my mind completely off-- I can't do that. I just stop listening. "I couldn't feel your consciousness-- it was like you'd died. You shouldn't be able to do that to your brain... unless... you... " She shakes her head, not wanting to say it. "Do you know what I *thought* you'd done? Especially in light of Tenchi's decision... I haven't been able to 'hear' you since you woke up..." She trails off. "How *did* you do it, anyway?" It doesn't work that way, I'd never been able to completely cut her out of my mind so she couldn't feel me, all I could do was stop her thoughts invading mine—she was always able to know I was around, and if she tried hard enough, know what I was thinking. "I never did that." I say, flatly. "If I could cut you off like that, I would have done it a while ago, *mother*." Her face changes into puzzlement, the face of a genius at work. She turns to go. To myself, I wonder where she's going-- it's not long before she answers. [To see Sasami.] She communicates telepathically. [And you should go see Ayeka--] She finishes. For once I don't reply bitterly or retort scathingly. I merely walk meekly to the lab. My hand trembling as I open the door; I imagine I'm going to see an empty made bed, like in a hospital soap opera, or even worse, nothing at all. Sucking in a breath, I step in and as I do- -the general beeps and hisses of the machinery meets my ears. I've never welcomed them as much as I do now. The first thing I note is how beautiful she is, even comatose; her hair stretched out over the pillow, her small frame under the covers. I realise her bandages are gone, her wounds healed-- she had bandages covering part of her face, her tiara had to be removed by Tenchi, before, because of the trauma to her head, but it's all gone. She looks perfect, although she still needs help to breathe, and is also connected to the heart monitor... but she's Ayeka, and she's alive. I take tentative steps towards her, and then I can see for myself, the chest rising in and out, the heart monitor's steady beep, as I stand next to Tenchi. Not that long whine... I begin to cry. Tenchi gets up to hold me. "You never killed her..." he whispers. I was sure it was too late. I was sure that I had taken her life, that I could do such a thing to her, to Tenchi... only because Tenchi doesn't love me... But, she's not dead, I didn't kill her. 'No... she isn't. But you could have.' I gasp, and look around the room. I can't see anyone but I hear a voice. A voice I've heard before... Tsunami. And then I understand. YOU. I glare at her, my face accusing, my eyes narrowed. //You made me think I *KILLED* her. That I could kill again!// I scream at her, internally. I don't know if she can read my thoughts, but I'm too angry to care. //How could you do that to me!// I cry, enraged. My body begins to shake. Tenchi holds me. Tsunami's gaze is unwavering, watchful. She stands for a long moment. And then-- 'I only let you believe what you wanted to believe...' I look at her ghostly form, staring back at me. I seethe with indignation; //You're saying I *wanted* to kill Ayeka!?// She's quiet for a moment. 'I let you believe the reality you wanted to have... I only let you do what you contemplated...' I stumble. "Ryoko?" Tenchi holds me, preventing my fall... he can't see her. He can't see Tsunami, I realise all at once. "Are you okay?" He asks me, his face concerned. "I don't want to lose you too, Ryoko..." I nod at him, not really listening, and stare at Tsunami, she, unmoving, looks back at me. //I want Ayeka to die...?// She says nothing. "Tsunami..." Tenchi breathes. He looks at her, and I realise she must have let him see her, that for whatever unknown reason, she's let Tenchi in on her presence. "I see you're awake," she smiles at me, her gaze telling. Her face suddenly becomes grave as she looks on Ayeka. "It's strange," she says, her mouth barely moving, "when one of your children doesn't want to be helped..." she sighs. Her image shimmers slightly, and a ghostly hand reaches out to rest in front of her on the bed. "What do you mean, 'doesn't want to come back'..." Tenchi asks, his eyes large and confused. Tsunami sighs again. "Tenchi..." she begins... "Ayeka's body is linked to her mind." She pauses as if reflecting on what to say. "I can... heal her body-- but I can't heal her mind..." "I don't understand..." he says. "You healed her but you can't bring her back...?" "No..." She stops a moment, her speech is slow and haunting, frequented with stops and soft trail offs. "Because she doesn't want to be brought back," she says finally. "What do mean?" Tenchi's brows furrow in confusion. "She... doesn't want to ... live..." She finally says, as if it pains her to admit that the all- mighty Tsunami can't help Ayeka. "WHY?" Tenchi cries, "why doesn't she? I want her to! I need her to..." he says, the tears poring down his already red-rimmed eyes. 'You know...' Tsunami tells me, mentally. 'You know why.' "Because you don't love her." I blurt. Tenchi turns to me, his face shocked. "But I do! I told you that I did...that night..." he chokes out. I look away. "You told *me*, Tenchi..." I whisper, hurt taking over my voice, in recollection, "but not her." I look at him now, my eyes also tearing. "She never knew you loved her, before the accident. She thinks you've chosen me... that she was rejected. " I realise bitterly that I know how she must feel right now, all because of a misunderstanding. "B-but... I told her, in here, after you fainted..." he tells me, his face distraught, like he desperately wants to believe that Ayeka heard his declaration of love. "I was running, to tell her..." he chokes to Tsunami. 'She can't hear us.' She says, slowly. Each reply is measured, and quiet. 'She's trapped in her mind,' she continues. 'I know you told her, but she... doesn't know...' she finishes. "Oh... God..." He shakes all over and I have to steady him. "She's dying because she thinks she has *nothing* to live for...because I told Ryoko first..." he cries. "Because I screwed everything up-- again." The tears run down his face. "Ayeka!" He cries at the body, taking her shoulders in his hands; "You have *me* to life for! You have ME. You can't leave! Not when I've just found you..." he whimpers. "She can't hear..." Tsunami says, gently, and his face twists into pain. I look away, hurt. I can accept him choosing her, but I can't see it so open, yet... it hurts too much. "Then make her hear it!" Tenchi pleads to Tsunami. "Surely there's something you can do?" "Yes," she pauses over Ayeka, her hand resting on Ayeka's pale forehead. "I healed her body but she rejected me from her mind. She thought I was an apparition... so she forced me out..." //I'm sure *that* got on her nerves.// I think, bitterly. "This is my fault... can't I go in...? Cant *I* talk to her?" Tenchi says, looking earnestly at Tsunami. Tsunami nods, and I realise why she's here; this was her intent all along-- to make Tenchi go into Ayeka's mind... Tsunami smiles at me somewhat; and I realise indignantly that she must know what I'm thinking. She turns to Tenchi. "I can let you reason with her. But I won't be able to contact you in her mind-- my presence and yours together will only harm Ayeka... you cannot have my aid, once inside... and she may hurt you." she warns. "I don't care. I'll do it." Tenchi says, firmly. She only nods. And he is gone. I can still see him standing next to me; but it's like he's not there-- the presence in his eyes is gone, like a zombie or a corpse. "If you don't know the answer then it's yes..." Her voice is clear and delicate, and she talks to me, looking past Tenchi's body-- her gaze burning into mine. "What...?" I say, somewhat confused. "To your question." She tells me, the voice ringing through the lab. "Do you want Ayeka to die...?" I look at Ayeka, and remember the joy I felt when I saw her again, and the misery in my daydream about her death. Did I feel that because I thought I killed her, or because it was true? Because I really missed her, because I really loved her-- or because the thought of Tenchi hating me made me feel guilty? "I... don't know..." I choke out. What if she died, now? What if Tenchi couldn't bring her back? No more drinking partner, no more sparring partner, no more... friend. And without her... would that mean that he'd choose me eventually? Would that mean that we'd be together... I realise my warped reality wasn't what would happen, but what I wanted to happen... for a split moment, I wished it, and I got what I wished for... 'Be careful what you wish for...' a ringing voice echo's in my head. I remember the daydream, and how wonderful it was to know that Tenchi had chosen me, finally. But does even thinking of that eventuality for a split second, mean I want it to happen? If that was fated, if that was guaranted... If her death right --now-- meant that in the future I'd get Tenchi... ...would I do it? If I knew without a doubt that my daydream was real... Would I kill her? "No." I say, firmly, and I mean it. Tsunami smiles. "Then you are ready." "Ready?" I spit out, hating these mind games and divine plots she's set for everyone. "Tenchi will not succeed." "Why? He of all people should be able to convince her to come back." I glare at her, resentfully. "She views him as a ghost, a daydream. Ayeka is a part of me, she's Jurian, Tenchi also-- our presences are comforting, familiar-- she can't distinguish us between real life, and a dream..." She explains, her voice soft. "Therefore Tenchi will not be able to bring Ayeka back." She comments. "No." I say, realising where this is going. "Of course not." I spit out. "*That* would be too easy." But she knew that already. She smiles. Suddenly, Tenchi's body begins to flail, and I move him over to the chair. His movements are jerky, spasmodic, and he looks pained. "Take him out!" I scream at Tsunami. She only looks at me with that haunting gaze. "Dammit! Take him out! She's hurting him!" I shout at her, and suddenly, Tenchi is back, shaken and white. "Oh Kami-sama...." he blurts. "Ayeka!" He cries. "What happened?" I hold him as he regains his breath. "She didn't believe me. She forced me out. She... she thinks I was just a dream, she thinks I was telling her..." his voice becomes shaky now, "what she ... wanted... to hear... just a daydream." He whispers sadly. //That's stupid Ayeka...// I curse her, internally. I *had* a daydream-- and I wish I could have kept it. You have the real thing... I sigh. "Tsunami..." I say. "Ryoko..." she begins... And the world goes black. "Hurry." *** *** *** *** I can't see anything, and for a moment, I panic, thinking something went wrong. And then I hear her. Soft and delicate like she was in life, her voice is low. "What is this grotesque lump? Where did it come from?" She says inquiringly, at what, I can't see. I try to open my mouth Ayeka's scream meets my ears followed by a stumbling noise. "It moved!" she shrieks. And I open my eyes. She's looking at me, wild and frightened. She's staring, like I'm some monster, or a hideous fiend. I try to look at myself but my head wont move and my body won't either. I try to say her name: Ayeka, but through my parched lips and clumsy tongue, it comes out as: "Augghh." "I don't want this thing in my dream!" She shrieks, and I feel pain. My body spasms, once, and as it moves, I can see chunks of what look like black flesh come off me. I can move my arm, and I use it to brush more off, and as I do, the clumps break off, like dirt. And all at once I find my head can move; and I look at myself, and try not to retch. I can see a mummy, shrivelled and black, with it's flesh taut and burned and rotting. Somehow the image reminds me of how I looked to Tenchi trapped in the cave. "Auughhhh" I say, "A--" She screams again, and the pain intensifies, I find my body fighting with itself, seemingly with a will off it's own, fighting my will to stay. "Get out of my dream!" She says, indignantly, pointing at me. It's getting dark again, I can see it getting dark, and I can't let it get dark... I can't. I open my mouth and force my tongue to move in the way I want it to: "Auegaaah..." I begin, then swallowing try again: "Ayeka," I wheeze. She freezes. "Ryoko?" And as she speaks, the rotten flesh flies off me, the mask drops off, and I can move and see, the pain gone. I can see again, see her looking at me strangely. "Ryoko...?" She asks again, and I swallow again before I answer. "Ayeka... come on. Lets go. You have to come with me..." I say, wanting this to be over. "I'm not going anywhere with you!" She says, her voice shrill. I sigh. She's just as stubborn in her consciousness as she is in life. "Come ON Ayeka..." I plead, looking at her. She takes a look past me, shaking her head vigorously. "I'm not planting one foot in that disgusting mess! I do not even understand why that is there! Or you are, for that matter! This is MY dream, one would think I'd be able chose what I would or would not like in it!" she grumbles. I look at where I'm standing and I see tangled vines at my feet, black and decaying, looking around, I finally take in the surroundings. Her consciousness is a vast plain, with trees and flowers, somewhat like Jurai, when I went there, before... well, before I was finished with it, anyway. I feel it get cold, and a small buzzing begins in my brain as I stand there, and I shake my head, to get rid of it. It doesn't go away. If anything, it gets worse, giving me a headache. I look at the ground, and I see I'm standing around a black decaying section, in contrast to the beauty and sunshine further on. Ayeka stands near me, yet where we are, the flowers begin to die, the grass is brown, dead. There's a pool at my feet, like the ornate one in the cave where I used to be trapped, and above me there are cave walls. It smells like decay, like burning, and it hurts. Seeing the blooming flowers on the other side makes me want to get out of this cold, rotting place, and I instinctively step away from the pool. At once my head clears and I feel better. A vine shoots past me, below me, and lunges for Ayeka. Ayeka shrieks and steps back. "See what I mean?" She tells me, and turns huffily. "I'm going over there," she points, and she begins to walk towards the sunny spot. "It's horrid over here..." she laments, as she goes, and I follow to join her. As I watch, the light intensifies, illuminating her so she has to shield her eyes with her hand as she strides. I continue, and the light gets brighter. My steps get easier, my head less achy. Each step is like walking on air, on clouds, and as I come closer to the sun, I see Ayeka's form slightly waver; and then I realise, and I stop in mid stride. "Ayeka!" I scream. She turns, but her image shifts, she's standing three feet from me, but I can't see her because she's fading. I look at my own hand. It's slightly transparent, and through it I can see the ground. "Hurry." I remember the voice. "Don't go that way!" I scream, and she stops to look at me, strangely. "What? Why?" She's staring at me, but I can hardly see her face anymore. I look back towards the dark, towards the rotting vines and cave walls, then towards the bright light. Why? Good question, I don't know why... It's so nice over there, and the other place was so black, so dark. I don't like the darkness... I remember the darkness... It was freezing, it gave me a headache, and it stunk. I close my eyes and bask in the light. It's not cold or warm here, and my headache is gone. Impulsively, I step closer. It doesn't smell over here, in fact, I can't really feel anything, I note. "Oh good, Ryoko-- you're fading." Ayeka says, "I was wondering when you'd leave my dream." My eyes shoot open. I recoil from the light. "Don't go towards the light..." I cry, stepping back somewhat, the pain begins and the buzzing intensifies, I feel compelled to walk forwards again. Ayeka begins to, stepping as if in a daze. "But I want to, it's so nice over here..." Ayeka says, turning back towards it. "No!" I scream. "Ryoko," She turns to me, angry. "It's all well and fine that you're here, but this is still my dream," she begins, " and while I'm in it I'd like to do what I want." She comments, annoyed. "This isn't a dream, Ayeka..." She laughs, "don't be silly..." "What did Tenchi say to you?" I demand. "Oh... well..." she blushes. "What did he say? What happened when he came!?" I shriek, and I startle her enough to tell me. "I... I... a temple appeared and he came out of it, and he said that he..." She blushes as she continues, "... that he loved me." She pauses. "I know it was my consciousness telling me what I want to believe. I know he loves you... oh gosh this is so embarrassing..." she blushes. I ignore this. "What else?" "Well *I* said I didn't want him in my dream telling me what I wanted to hear, and I told him to leave... and he just disappeared." "What about the light?" I say, cutting her off. "Oh that? That just appeared now." She says looking at it, and she takes another tentative step towards it. "No!" I cry out, and try to grab her. My hand goes straight through her and I can feel extreme heat, like a fire. Ayeka winces as I do so. I can't touch her. She steps back from me, shocked. "It..." She swallows, "It... hurt when you did that..." Her eyes are big, and wide with shock. "Dreams... don't hurt..." She whispers. "H-how did you do that?" "I... don't know." I reply slowly. She looks at me, worried. She takes a deep breath. "All right Ayeka. This is my dream, and I want to touch Ryoko." Her hand shakes over mine for what I feel is the longest time, and then slowly it goes to touch my outstretched one. I feel extreme heat as we touch, and reflexively, she pulls back as if burnt. "That hurt!" She cries, rubbing her fingers. Behind her I see the light steadily increase. It's moving forward. Soon it will overwhelm the small plain, radiate over everything in it's vicinity, the flowers, the tree's, the vines, the cave, Ayeka... *and* me. "This isn't a dream!" I insist. "I..." Ayeka struggles to comprehend this. "It ISN'T a dream!" I maintain. She struggles with the concept. "Not a dream...?" She tells herself, then her eyes light up, as if she's realised something. "Fine, well... If this isn't a dream... then I wouldn't be able to get rid of you..." She says, and her eyes narrow. I feel pain, and my body struggling. I realise she's pushing me out of her mind, like before, she's ejecting me. She can't do that. If I leave, the white will take her over... and she'll die. And Tenchi will hate me. And...I'll hate me... I don't want her to die.... I lunge for her, and fall straight through her body. She screams, and I with her. The pain is so intense, it feels as if my body is on fire, and a thousand needles are stabbing me, a thousand hotplates burning my flesh, a thousand stabs of a knife. I pull out, gasping and writhing. The white is still around us, closing in, but the sense of being ejected is gone. She's hurt, I know I hurt her, but she's alive. "Ayeka. That hurt didn't it?" I gasp. "That hurt me too... this isn't a dream... please believe me," I implore, and she says nothing, her body still with pain. She gets up, slowly and painfully. She gazes at me, in comprehension, as if she's not sure whether to believe me, but part of her is wondering whether I'm right. "Then where are we...?" she breathes, slowly. "In your consciousness. Step away from the light Ayeka... please!" I cry, as the white radiates. Something about my tone of voice makes her take a couple of steps back, towards the rotten vines and looming darkness. "Please Ayeka!" I cry, and she follows me. I can feel the pain beginning, a faint buzzing at first, but as I step closer to the cave my head begins to pound. My legs are hurting and my arms ache. The stench of rotting fills my nostrils and I gag. Beside me I see Ayeka do the same. "I don't want to go in there..." She whimpers, looking past me, into the cave, it's pool and hideous contents. I can see the white come up behind us, I can see it slowly expanding, It's numb feeling contrasting with the sheer pain of the cave behind me. I step closer and feel myself almost faint. It feels like death, and it hurts, the pain in my head too much to bear. I feel as if I step forward, I'll die. "Why do I have to follow you, anyway?" she asks me, her fingers over her nose to keep out the stench, teetering between the light and the dark. "Because you'll die!" I tell her. She looks at me, sadly, then at the light and her eyes glaze somewhat. "Is that so bad?" she whispers. "Yes!" I cry indignantly. "I used to think so... but if Tenchi doesn't love me, then is it, *really*?" she says, sadly. I look at the light and feel my hurt gone. She's right. Is it so bad to die? "Why should I live when I have nothing to live for?" she sighs. I shake my head from my thoughts, the light is doing something me, to us, making us forget, making the pain take us over making us chose the easy way out. "You have everything to live for!" I yell at her, firstly to get my point across, and secondly to be heard over the steady rising gale that whips around us. "You have Tenchi to live for!" I scream The white gets brighter behind her. "Tenchi chose you!" She yells back at me, as a faint roaring like a cascading waterfall drowns out our words. "He chose you -- not me! Tell me how that's 'everything to live for!?" her tears run down her cheeks. "He's always loved you...!" I choke out, hurt taking me over. Somehow, saying it aloud, to the person I once fought for his affection seems like the final blow. The final straw to break the camel's back. An internal confirmation telling me that this once... I didn't get my way. "What?" She looks at me, confused. "Tenchi loves you-- he chose you! You misunderstood it all, because of me." The wind whips her hair from her face, and the roar intensifies. "And I want to make that right! I want you to live, Ayeka. You have *me* to live for, not just Tenchi! Me, and Sasami, and Mihoshi, and Washu, and Yosho, and Nobuyuki, and Ryo-oh-ki!" I scream, as the white takes her over. "But Tenchi... he, kissed you... and..." I can't explain now. I can't! She begins to disappear. She begins to die. "NO!" I scream in absolute desperation. "You *know* this isn't a dream, right!?" Her eyes gaze at me and she nods. "And, Tenchi told you he loved you, when he was here!" I cry, salty tears wetting my cheeks for a moment, then roughly dried by the wind. And she realises, her eyes wide, the tears flowing. "Step through the cave!" I shout at her, as I see her form shimmer in front of me. And the tears streak down her cheeks, as she runs into the pool. She hesitates before the cave, the pain racking her body. "It's not a dream!" I cry, as she contemplates. And her form disappears, the white so bright I can't see if she stepped into the cave, or not. The pure light envelops Ayeka's mind, until I can't see in front of me. The lingering darkness of the cave only a shadow. I step towards it the pure white... Is it so bad, to die? Tenchi doesn't love me. The light feels peaceful, and the pain is gone. But life makes you hurt, life gives you loss, and sadness and worry, and pain... who needs that? I do. Because the pain means you're alive. And I grit my teeth as I run towards the pool, the cave, the darkness, and the pain. *** *** *** *** I spasm as I appear, my body jerking violently, I take in the laboratory, the room, and everyone there, watching us. "Ryoko!" Sasami cries, and I note that Tsunami is gone. I steady my shaking body as I get used to my consciousness returning. I cough, looking at Ayeka. She isn't moving. Her face is pale, her body still. "No..." It didn't work. She's not awake. She let the light envelop her. I close my eyes. "She hasn't woken." Tenchi sobs, softly. As I reopen my eyes, I can see Sasami take Ayeka's ashen hand, holding it to her face as she cries. Mihoshi's hands are to her lips, and Washu is looking away. Yosho and Nobuyuki are further back, equal expressions of loss and pain. I feel unsteady on my feet. I was sure it had worked. I was sure she had run for my cave, the pain, for life... "I was sure-- I was sure..." I babble, not comprehending. "Damn it!" I say, pleading with her unmoving form. "Why make me go for life when you've chosen dea--" I stop in mid-sentence, and look at Ayeka, her chest moving up and down. It didn't work... but she's... alive? I can hear the beeps of the heart monitor. Her heart is beating, her body working. And her eyes fly open. Everyone's gaze is on the floor. They haven't noticed. But they will. They all will. Tenchi will. My heart contracts painfully and I turn to go, not wanting to interrupt the inevitable sappy moment that will come as they realise she's awakened, I don't think I can handle that right now, although I'm truly happy she's alive. But as I move away, her still weak voice cries out: "Ryoko..." Sasami lets out a cry as Ayeka speaks, and all eyes turn to Ayeka. She, however, looks only at me. And she smiles. Her smile is warm, her face friendly. "It wasn't a dream...?" she croaks. I find myself smiling, even though my face is slick with tears. "No dream, Princess..." Her eyes flutter, a moment, and as she regains herself, she whispers. "Thank you Ryoko..." Over their initial shock, Tenchi moves to embrace her, Sasami clinging to her. Mihoshi and the others run up crying her name. I gaze at her and see her lips move, she her looking at me, over the embraces of her family. 'Thank you... for being my friend...' She mouths at me. "You're welcome," I whisper, and I mean it. Tears sting my eyes, and I step backwards, away from the happy moment, the happy moment that Ayeka and Tenchi should have had from the beginning. Stumbling out of the lab, I sigh with relief and melancholy. I'm happy, but sad, too. Now Ayeka is all right, I'm only left with my problems to worry about. Instead of comforting Tenchi and Sasami, and everyone, pushing the rejection out of my mind, and the events of that summer's night out of my mind. Now I only have my problem. I don't have anything to think about, other than my rejection. I sigh. I can't stay here anymore. It hurts too much, seeing them together. I'm happy for them, I am, but I have to leave here... I hear a voice in the corridor, slow, and even. "Leaving?" it comments, and I stare incredulously at the person who uttered it. Katsuhito... Yosho. He stands there, his hands in his white temple-robes, the same proud features, and look he had when he banished me to that cave. "Yes." I say simply, not wanting to chitchat. "Why?" he asks. "...there's... nothing here for me, now." I say, sadly. He pauses, his eyes sweeping towards the laboratory door. "You're sure?" I think about Tenchi, and the three words he will have undoubtedly confessed to Ayeka by now. My heart pangs with bitterness and rejection, no, I won't take my life, but I can't stay here. I have nothing now. I have nothing and it hurts. I nod, firmly. "Is it really nothing?" He says, cocking his head slightly. I open my mouth to reply, but before I can Sasami bursts out of the lab. "Ryoko!" She says, running over to me and clinging to my abdomen. I look down and see her pretty face covered with tears. "W-why are you crying?" I ask, worried. "I was so afraid I'd lose her!" she says, and I nod, knowing she must be still shaken. "...and then Washu woke me up and I went downstairs and Tenchi told us what was happening! Ryoko I thought you were going to die, too!" she sobs, clinging to me. "I was so afraid you'd both leave me! I'd miss you so much if you did!" she trembles. I feel myself tearing up, and I lower myself so I can see her face. Her eyes are big and wide and her face slick with tears. I feel my own tears come, and hugging her fiercely, she sobs. "Everything's fine now." I say, caressing her hair. "Ayeka's alive, and I'm not going anywhere... don't cry." "I know..." She whimpers, a slight smile on her face. "I know that, I tell myself that, but I was so scared... I can't help it..." she sniffles, wiping her nose. "Ayeka wants to see you, too. We're all wondering why you left..." "I...I..." my voice falters with nothing to say. "I'll be right in..." I manage, and she nods. Untangling herself from me, she goes back into the lab. I rise from my kneeled position, my eyes blurry with tears, and stare at Yosho. "Then have a nice trip, Ryoko." Yosho remarks. And as he turns down the corridor to leave, I think I can see a hint of a smile, and the twinkle of his eye. _______________ _______________ _______________ Authors Notes: Extended notes available at http://home.iprimus.com.au/sanjuro/ABT3.html I won't bore anyone who isn't interested with the ravings of a lunatic; so the long version of my notes is offered at my site, a bit of an insight to why ABT took me 3 years to finish, and why it went in the direction it did; (if anyone cares). Well, that's the end. Thanks to all who stuck by me through all the parts and the extremely kind people who made an effort to write to me and give me feedback throughout the years. ABT is dedicated to you; without which I would have scrapped it and never touched it again. I hope you've all liked it, if not, I'm sorry, I tried. ^_^;; Thanks for reading! Thanks all for reading, and feel free to send me comments, feedback and whatever you like to: Lesell_Charis@yahoo.com You can flame me I suppose... but it's not very nice. SPECIAL THANKS: (in no particular order) My proofers: Happosai, and Firebird (Thank your proofer's people, they bleepin' deserve it!! It's a tough job but someone's gotta do it!) Lita Eagle Thanks for encouraging me to write ABT in the first place. ^_^ You guys, Everyone who ever gave me feedback for my fic, I remember you all (OK not all-- but most of you); thanks for bugging me to continue it. Ja ne! LC ABT Glossary: Engawa – 'Veranda' An Engawa is broad wooden veranda that extends around the perimeter of a traditional Japanese house, it's a low step, with no railing. People often sit on the Engawa. The Tenchi house has one, as does the Tendo family Dojo in Ranma 1/2. Kami – Deity/God/Spirit. It's generally translated as 'God' but is more like 'Superior and Mysterious Force'—Tenchi isn't Christian as he says, and so I thought it odd for him to say 'My God'; and thus used; 'Kami-sama'instead. There are times the characters use 'God' because Kami-sama just sounded odd. Ume Ume blossoms are plum-tree blossoms, whiter and a bit smaller, than cherry blossoms (Sakura) there are many debates between Japanese on which are prettier. They basically look the same in a lot of ways. (I like Ume for the sheer fact that the word/image/concept of Sakura is so over-used!) Sakura Sakura are cherry blossoms, and every spring their blossoms waft over Japan; where the Japanese have Sakura viewing parties together. It's basically a gnarled dark tree with blossoms covering it, the blossoms are slightly pink and delicate, with a kind of star shape. They are a bit larger compared to the Ume (Plum) blossoms. Actually interesting tidbit for the keen readers, Ryoko's daydream talk about her dying in the Spring, but as Ayeka notes in ABT#1 it's summer when everything happens. Thus it's a hint that Ryoko's 'future look' is a bit wrong. (Apart from the other hints in the scene...)