After hours at the office of Jusenkyo Productions, known to the rest of the world as the Jot Travis Student Union Computer Lab. From behind one of the desks the Jusenkyo Guide is talking to Washu, Skuld and Nene. JG: Someone, I don't know who, has MSTied one of your productions. Washu: So you want us to get revenge right? JG: (Looks annoyed) Of course not! Anyone can say anything on the Net, that's why we're able to put out fan fics. I want you three to look it over and respond to him. Nene: (Grining evily) You want us to MST the MST? JG: Bingo! (The three goddesses look at each other) All: Let's go for it! ******************* The Twelve days of Christmas by: some guy. I couldn't find his name Nene: His's name is the Jusenkyo Guide MSTied by: Jamie Jeans All: dum de dum dum, dum de dum dum DUM! Hello again people! Since I have received no hate e-mail or anything from my last MTS3000 fan fic, I'll take that as a good sign that no one hated it (I hope). Washu: They were to busy trying to forget. I found this one on a friends web site and, after getting a quarter of the way through it, realized that it had to be MSTied. But before I get to that, the legal stuff: Skuld: Who is this guy? Nene: Dono. I'm wondering where he got this in the first place. Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and all characters belong to those that created the series. Please don't sue, I am merely borrowing your characters. To the guy that wrote this fan fic, please have a good sense of humor when you read it. I do not mean to insult, but to entertain. All: Suuuuuure you do. Washu: Just remember, revenge is mine sayeth the Jusenkyo Guide Skuld: Did JG really say that? Washu: No, I just thought it sounded good. ________________________________________________________________________ It is another beautiful day on the Satelite of Love, and the satelite has been dressed up to suit the time of the year: Christmas. The interior was decorated with all manners of colored garland, looping down from the ceiling in odd arcs while flashing colored lights had been placed along the walls in strange designs. Off to the right, sounds of Mike and his companion, Tom Servo, arguing about the arrangement of the decorations on the Christmas tree can be heard. Nene: Ano.... Who are these people? Washu: What you've never seen Mystery Science Theater 3000? Nene: Nope. Washu: I don't think I'll like the future after all. "I still say we put the star on last," Tom said. "But if we put it on last, I might fall and wreck the tree and then we'll have to start all over again," Mike's voice replied. "Hey guys, wait for me!" Crow shouted from the left, walking onscreen with a box of tree decorations in his arms and the star on his head net. "You know you can't decorate anything right without this satelites best decorating robot!" "Yeah right," Tom said, hovering on screen and landing on the desk. "I happen to remember the first tree you decorated. Looked like something someone ate and then puked up!" "You take that back or I'll....." "You'll do what. Hit me with decorations?" Crow dropped the box and launched himself at Tom, both bots dropping out of sight with the sounds of metallic combat filling the air. "All right you too, that'll be enough," Mike said, rushing on screen and separating the two robots. "Christmas is a time of giving and love, not for fighting and insults." "You're right," both bots said simultaneously. All three companions hugged each other, or tried to in Tom's case, and the scene is a heart warming, stomach churning one right from an old Christmas tale. Crow was the first to ruin it when he asked, "So what did you get me?" Mike groaned and was about to comment on the robot's selfishness when he noticed the red light flashing, indicating that the Mads were calling. "Saint Nick and his not so little helper are calling," he said, tapping the button. DEEP 13 The background of the underground lab has been changed from a scene of sick experimental test subjects and tools to a Christmas decorated scene of experimental test subjects and tools. T.V.'s Frank, dressed up in an ill fitting elf suit, was off to one side at a desk, working hard on something. "Well hello there jolly old Nelson. Enjoying the holidays are we," Dr.Forrester asked, coming to stand in front of the camera. The mad doctor himself even appeared to be getting into the spirit of the holidays, a bright red Santa stocking cap on his head and his lab coat a bright red as well instead of the usual lime green. SATELLITE OF LOVE "Well we're almost done decorating the satellite sir. We just need to finish the tree and then we're finished," Mike replied. Skuld: I'm confused. DEEP 13 "Hmmm....Kind of cute all those colors you got strung up all over the place. But it is fitting for todays Invention Exchange.....but you go first," Dr. Forrester said. SATELLITE OF LOVE Mike is holding up a bizarre gun that looks like a hybrid of a super soaker and a fire hose. Behind him Tom and Crow stand with bundles of garland in their arms, staggering a little bit under the weight. One end of the garland is leading up to the back of the gun. "Well our invention today is based on those cans of fake snow that people buy and spray on their trees. If people can spray stuff like fake snow for decorations, why not garland? It's fast, fun, and time saving if you're the kind of person to decorate at the last minute. It's called the Garland Sprayer 2000. Here, allow me to demonstrate," Mike explained. Washu: (Blinks a few times) Hey! I invented that 12,000 years ago! I'll sue! Mike pointed the gun at an undecorated section of wall and pulled the trigger. A hum sounds from the gun and garland shoots out at the wall, sticking into place as if by magic. As the garland is used up, the bundle carried by Crow is first used up and then the one carried by Tom. Unfortunately, the last loop of garland got stuck on his head and the red robot is sucked into the back of the gun. "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH," Tom shouted while Crow looked on, happy as a clam. "Huh? Oops," Mike said, holding up the gun with Tom's head sticking out of it. "Sorry about that. Skuld: Did your's do that? Washu: Weeeeell.... "Hey get me out of here," came Tom's muffled shouts. DEEP 13 Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank, who had arrived just in time to see the mishap, are laughing their heads off. "Oh man that's funny," Frank said. "Very hazardous work Mike. A definite gift for the kids this Christmas. But, like all my inventions, mine is far more evil," Dr. Forrester said. A dramatic pause as the evil doctor gestures for Frank to get him something from off screen. "And here it is," he shouted with a triumphant glee, holding a length of green garland in his hand. SATELLITE OF LOVE Toms head is still stuck in the back of the Garland Sprayer 2000 and thus cannot comment on what he can't see, but Mike and Crow can. "Oh. Real evil," Crow said, voice dripping with sarcasm. "What an invention to take over the world with," Mike added. "Come on guys, get me out of this," Tom said, hovering about, unbalanced because of the extra weight on his head, and bumping into things, people, and robots alike. DEEP 13 "Ahh but this is not ordinary garland my little guinea pigs. This garland, when activated by a remote here, will release antimatter in such a way that it will take out any size of Christmas tree anywhere in the world. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" "And the best part is that we already sold quite a bit of this stuff in stores all across America so come Christmas day, no more Christmas tree," Frank added. "And with all the parents and children without gifts and tree, for the explosion will take out the gifts as well, their spirits will be broken and I will rule the world!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Frank joined in the laughing as Mike and the bots stared in horror. Washu: Ya know, I think I kinda like Dr. Forester Nene: You need help. SATELLITE OF LOVE "That's evil," Mike declared. "Dickweed," Crow said. "We've got to stop him Mike," Tom said. "I know but how?" DEEP 13 "Yes. How indeed *will* you stop me while watching todays fan fic, the Twelve days of Christmas, guaranteed to be the biggest and worst crossover in Anime History. Send them the hurt Frank." "Sending the hurt," Frank replied, pressing the button that sent the fan fic up the umbilical. SATELLITE OF LOVE Mike and the bots scurry about as the alarms turned on and the klaxons wailed. "WE'VE GOT CHRISTMAS FAN FIC SIGN!!!" Door Sequence. 6..5..4..3..2..1.. Mike took the second seat and placed Tom in the third, the gun having been finally removed, while Crow took the third. CROW: So how are we going to stop Clayton this time? MIKE: I don't know but we'll think of a way. We always do. TOM: Or we could fluke out again. >Jusenkyo Productions Proudly Presents CROW: Nothing! Sorry for wasting your time. MIKE: Don't get your hopes up. >A Ranma 1/2, Ah! My Goddess!, Tenchi Muyo!, and Bubblegum Crisis Holiday cross over. CROW: D'oh! MIKE AND TOM: Told ya. >The Twelve Days of Christmas. TOM: The slandering of a good song. >Ranma 1/2, AMG, TM, and BGC are owned by very talented people whom I am >deeply in debt to. MIKE: If that was true, then he wouldn't have written this fan fic. TOM: Feeling dark today Mike? >I beg that they please don't sue me, but if you really >want payment, I would be more than glad to fix dinner for you all. (I wish) CROW: And on the day he cooked for the creators of the above mentioned anime characters, he accidentally killed them all with food poisoning. He later wondered if he should have taken cooking lessons from Akane and C-ko. Skuld: Actualy JG's a very good cook. Nene: And how would you know? Skuld: (Sweatdrop) Uhh... >The original song I have no clue who first wrote it, and don't know if it >still belongs to anyone, or if it is the property of all. TOM: Hey I just realized something: there's no sign of the author's name. MIKE: Does that mean that no one wrote this? CROW: Thus this fan fic doesn't exist? ALL: (after a moments thought) NAH! Washu: I hate to say it, but they're right. Skuld: You want to tell JG? Washu: Nope. >Christmas is coming, The goose is getting fat, Please put a penny in the >old man's hat. CROW: It's the author's hat. Nene: Oh come on now, he's not that poor. >Old English Christmas Poem MIKE: Which is actually a new, bad, crossover fan fic. >I don't have to eat it to know it's toxic. TOM: A critics review of any of Mcdonalds products. Skuld: Or Urd's cooking. >Saotome Ranma on the subject of Tendo Akane's cooking skills, or lack of them. >This is the Aniverse, a multi-verse within the Multi-verse. Within the >Aniverse lies the many worlds of anime, MIKE: And the people too bored to do anything else but write bad fan fics. Nene: I would just loooove to get my hands on some of their fics, THEN we'll see who has the last laugh. >but it could be said that CROW: This fan fic blows. MIKE: Crow...... TOM: Why punish him because of the truth? CROW: (Jack Nickolson) You can't handle the truth! Washu: A good observer doesn't judge until the end. Skuld: You think these are good observers? All three: Nahhh! >within the universe lie the many worlds of sit-coms. The Aniverse contains the >many worlds, universes, and planes of existence of the anime world. Most of >the time they do not touch, most of the time. TOM: Until, that is, someone gets an idea in their head when they're bored. JG: Well what else was I supposed to do during math? Washu: Math? >This is Heaven, it's, well, Heaven. It is home to one who has had many >names and faces throughout history. He watches over the Multi-verse, but >for all that He is timeless, He feels a special attachment to this day. In >the Aniverse, as well as the universe, it is marked as December 25, >Christmas. In other realms, it is marked something else, but it always >falls on the same day throughout the Multi-verse. MIKE: Is this god? CROW: I think so. Hey it's the holidays, maybe he'll get us out of here! TOM: Great idea! (All start to shout for his attention but are promptly ignored) TOM: Dumb idea Crow! CROW: Well it was worth a try. Skuld: Remind me to make a note on Yggdrasil, those three are never to go home. >No one knows why He feels this way, not even those who serve Him. Many a >religion has formed because of this day, and all are right, to a point. MIKE: It was probably because his son was born on December 25th. >After all, no one knows why He likes this day, and who would question Him? TOM: God's a tyrant? Skuld: (Hotly) He is not! >Kami-sama sat back in His office. 'Now where will I spend the Day?' He mused. CROW: Let's see: I spent the night in the strip club watching the dancers and losing most of my money and then I got wasted so I think I'll spend the day in detox. Hey, what do you know! I'm here already! (Washu and Nene have to restrain Skuld from killing the MST author with her holy hammer) >Hogs Watch Night was not as exciting anymore, and the thought of spending >the day in the universe really did not appeal to Him. Not after that last >trip, now everyone expected him to show up in that silly red suit and those >smelly reindeer. TOM: God is Santa Claus? MIKE: That would explain allot. Nene: You want to explain that one Skuld? Skuld: It would take to long. >A knock on His door shook him out of His thoughts. CROW: And off of his chair. >"Come in" He said. >She opened the door, in many ways it was a shame that she had fallen for >that human, but Kami-sama admitted to Himself, were as before she glowed, >now she was incandescent. MIKE: (Kami) Oww, my eyes!! Would you turn it down a bit? >"Greetings Belldandy, how are you, your sisters and Keiichi?" He said. >"We are well Lord, and looking forward to the Day." Belldandy said. It was >general knowledge in Heaven that December 25 was not to be called by any of >the names that mortals gave it. TOM: Because if they did, they were smited. >"So what brings you to Heaven?" Kami-sama asked. CROW: (Belldandy) Oh I don't know, probably god stuff maybe? Skuld: Oneechan would never say stuff like that! Washu: Hmmmm, maybe it was a bad idea to bring her along. >"I have come Lord to ask a favor," she said. >"Ask child, you know it is my custom to listen, and grant many things >during this time." MIKE: For the right price. (Skuld starts making strangling noises) >Belldandy nodded, "Yes Lord I know. As you know Father, Skuld met the >Knight Saber Nene, and the genus Washu earlier this year." TOM: Remember, in those really bad fan fics? Nene: Hey! Did you read them? I thought not. >Kami-sama nodded. CROW: Wondering why his employees were in those dumb fan fics in the first place. MIKE: Okay guys, we've reached our dumb fan fic quota already and it ain't even done yet. TOM: But you can tell we're going to be in for allot of hurting. Sure everything looks honkey dory right now but I KNOW that something bad is going to happen. Washu: honkey? This is a word? >"Lord, we were wondering, could we invite them over for dinner that day?" >Belldandy asked. >Kami-sama was silent. CROW: Thinking if he should fire her now or later for her dumb idea. Washu: Nene get the restrants, we're going to have to tie Skuld down. >"Please Lord, I know you wish that the barriers between world remain, but >just for one day......?" MIKE: Please, pretty please? >"On one condition I will grant this." He said. CROW: That you start wearing Urd's clothing. MIKE: Do I have to call a time out? Skuld: That's IT! He's going to have so many bugs in his computers he'll be lucky to run pac man! Washu: Quick get the ice-cream! >"What is it Father?" Belldandy asked. >"That you hold it at the Masaki place." TOM: OWWW!!! See, I told you that this fan fic was going to be painful. MIKE: Dr. Forrester finds them so of *course* it's gonna be painful. CROW: Be strong fellow bot. TOM: Bite me. >"Yes Lord." Belldandy said bowing. >After she left Kami-sama started grinning. Now this looked like fun. There >were only 12 days to the Day left. 'I wonder what she'll make?' He thought, >"I also hope she doesn't mind a few extra guests.' TOM: Who will make what? Who won't mind a few guests!!! DETAILS MAN DETAILS!!!!! MIKE: Calm down buddy, or else your head will explode. CROW: You still aren't mad at having your head stuck in the butt of the garland sprayer are you? TOM: No. I guess it's residue from those Ratliff fics last week. Nene: Surprises people, surprises! >On the first day of Christmas Washu gave to me, a cabbit stuck in a pine tree. CROW: How cute.....Not! >"What I want to know is how she got up there in the first place!" Ryoko demanded. CROW: Oh so the great Ryoko demands something, does she? Washu: My daughter demands all the time. >Sasami smiled at the angry space pirate, "I think she wanted to help Tenchi >get a Christmas tree." The young princess said. MIKE: Who was she again? I think I forgot. >The she in question miyaa'd pitifully. >Ryoko turned to her spaceship, "You wanted to help Tenchi get a tree?" She asked. >Ryo-Ohki nodded. TOM: And fell off the tree. >"Didn't it occur to you to ask for help?" Ryoko asked. >Tears filled Ryo-Ohki's eyes and she shook her head no. >"I don't believe this," Ryoko mumbled to herself, "I swear Mom has gotten a >hold of you. Oh well." she sighed, and flew up to the top of the tree to >retrieve the cabbit. Ryo-Ohki purred, content that she was back on solid >ground, or at least Sasami's head. MIKE: Why does Ryoko blame everything on her mother? It's like Washu is the main maker of trouble in the Tenchi universe. Washu: Of course I am, and proud of it. Nene: Umm, I think I'll move to another computer. >"Let's head back home, I'm freezing out here." Ryoko said. TOM: I thought Ryoko couldn't feel the cold like normal people did? >"Ryoko, what about the tree?" Sasami asked. >"Oh yeah." Ryoko said, slapping her fist into her palm. She called up her >energy sword and quickly sliced through the trunk of the tree. She picked >it up with one hand. CROW: After retiring from being a space pirate for so long, Ryoko moved to BC Canada and became a lumberjack. All: (Trying to picture Ryoko in plaid and eating flapjacks) Nope. >"OK Sasami, now let's go." TOM: (Sasami) Maybe I should have brought her along instead of Ryo-oh-ki >When they returned back to the Masaki home, a grinning Washu and Tenchi >greeted them. CROW: Gee, looks like *someone* finally got that sample. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. MIKE: Crow...... Washu: I wish. Skuld: What sample are they talking about? Nene: (Going red) Never mind! >"What have you been up to?" Ryoko asked suspiciously. >Washu spoke first, "Remember Skuld and Nene?" she asked. TOM: (Ryoko) Like I could ever forget. >Ryoko nodded. MIKE: Off to sleep. >"Well they're coming here this Christmas." ">And that's not all, Grandpa said that my cousin was coming up from Tokyo >to spend Christmas with us too." TOM: Cousin. I don't I remember anything about Tenchi having a cousin. Nene: Haven't they ever heard of the ideas behind cross overs? You're supposed to make things up like that to tie them together. Skuld: Must be one of those strait fics people. >"That's great Tenchi-nichan!" Sasami said, "What's you're cousins name?" MIKE: Hey guys, you know what? This fan fic ain't' so bad after all. CROW: Yeah! There's barely any grammar or spelling mistakes and the plot seems okay so far. TOM: (relaxing) I guess you're right guys. This fic doesn't seem so bad. >"Saotome Ranma, he'll be bringing his family with him." Tenchi replied. (There is a stunned silence in the theater. Even the fan fic seems to slow to a halt, as if awaiting the Tom's response). TOM: But...he...cousins...More jurai parents.... too wierd....how...I mean.... MIKE: Hang on Tom. Don't blow up on us now! CROW: You survived Ratliff with your head only blowin up once or twice, you can survive this. TOM: But he...wrote.....cousin....Tenchi.....BOOM!!!! (Tom's head explodes). MIKE: Aww geez, another one. CROW: Guess it was too much for him. Skuld: YES!!!!! >On the second day of Christmas Washu gave to me, 2 fiancées for Ranma, and >a cabbit stuck in a pine tree. >In Nerima, the day of December 25 was circled on every calendar, and was >looked forward to with anticipation. The Tendo Dojo was the same, except >with one difference, instead of anticipation, the day was looked on with >terror. The reason was apparent when one entered the kitchen, Akane was cooking. CROW: Didn't see that one coming. >After watching an American Christmas special on TV, Akane had taken it into >her head that she would be the one to cook her family Christmas dinner. MIKE: Thus showing just how bad an influence American tv can have on people. Washu: We may want to talk about that someday. >So12 days before Christmas she had marched into the kitchen armed with her >mothers cookbook, Kasumi's help, and determination not to fail. Overnight >the vermin population of Nerima became almost nil. CROW: Became very ill? Akane lets the rats eat her cooking? Not a very clean kitchen is it. MIKE: That's nil, not ill. Nene: I'm not going to touch that one, somethings are too easy. >Ranma was in the dojo trying to come up with a way to sneak over to >Ucchan's for Christmas. He really didn't want to hurt Akane's feelings, but >he would rather live through Christmas. TOM: ( with a brand new head) But he hurts her feelings nearly every show and he still lives. MIKE: Welcome back Tom. TOM: Thanks. CROW: Say you grew that head back pretty quickly. Do you think it can survive long? TOM: I hope so. >The dojo door opening cleared out of his head the grandiose plans he had >come up with. Framed in the doorway was his mother. TOM: (Ranma) Gee mom, what are you doing with that ultra sharp katanna blade? >Ranma gave a little yelp of surprise before claiming MIKE: The right to party! ALL: PARTY! PARTY! >down. It had been a >few months since his mother had found him and his father, but he still >started whenever she showed up. CROW: Started what? His car, his lawnmower? Skuld: Do these guys have an elementary command of English? Nene: Nope, but then neither does JG. JG: I heard that! Nene: Opps. >Nakoda sighed inwardly, her son was still afraid of her and all because of >that damn promise her husband had made. MIKE: Of course she has no honor. Washu: I guess whoever posted this one to their page forgot the little tag saying when this occurred. >Still, it was wonderful to have her >son back, and from what she had seen, Ranma truly had grown to be a man >among men. Smiling, Nakoda went to talk to her son. CROW: Carefully keeping the sword hidden behind her back. >Kasumi had been doing damage control in her kitchen, well at least trying >to. Keeping Akane from doing damage was like trying to keep the Titanic >from sinking. TOM: Actually I think people had a better chance keeping the Titanic afloat then helping Akane to cook a good supper. All: Yup! >The sound of running alerted her that now would be a good >time not to stand in the door. Kasumi had just moved from the door when >Ranma burst through it. CROW: Hey guys watch this: Saying something stupid and then getting hit by Akane. >"Guest what?! Mom just told me that we're going to be spending Christmas >with my cousin." Ranma said excitedly. MIKE: I think you were wrong about that one old buddy. >Kasumi smiled, "Why that is good news Ranma, when are you leaving?" TOM: (Ranma) Right now! I can't stand Akane's cooking. >"It's not just me Kasumi, Mom said that my great uncle wanted to meet my >whole family, so he invited all of you and Ukyo as well." Ranma said. TOM: Yup! Best way to have a good Christmas is to invite everyone who will fight. >"Oh my, that will be a lot of people, I hope they can handle that many. >What's your cousin's name Ranma?" Kasumi asked. >"Masaki Tenchi." Ranma replied, "And you know what the best part is? This >means I won't have to eat Akane's cooking!" CROW: There's the windup....... >Someone behind Ranma tapped him on the shoulder. He turned to look at the >angry eyes of his intended. MIKE: Murderer? Certainly looks like it. >"Ranma....." Akane started angrily >"Chill out Akane, this means we won't be having to spend money on medical >bills." Ranma said backing away until he ran into the sink. CROW: And the pitch..... TOM: I can see where this is going. >Akane grew even more enraged, ".....no BAKA!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed. >Kasumi looked at the new hole in the ceiling, through it could be seen the >rapidly disappearing Ranma. "I suppose I'll have to get that fixed before >we leave." Kasumi said. CROW: And it's good hit to center field. (Makes crowd cheering noise). MIKE: Looks like I was wrong. >On the third day of Christmas Washu gave to me, three goddess, two >fiancée's for Ranma, and a cabbit stuck in a pine tree. TOM: Hang on. It said *two* fiances for Ranma. We saw Akane but where is the second fiancee? MIKE: Carefull Tom, nitpicking will only detonate your head again. Washu: (Opens her mouth) Ah, never mind. >Skuld was dreaming of a white Christmas, covered with hot fudge, whipped >cream, sprinkles, and a cherry on top. Skuld: Ice-cream! CROW: With Keiichi in the middle all for herself. MIKE: Crow, don't make me call a time out. TOM: And besides, only Urd would think that way. CROW: Fanboy. Nene: Here we go again. Skuld: KILL!!!!! >"..... And we should go shopping before we leave to get everyone gifts. >Washu said that Tenchi's Grandfather had invited his cousin and his family >to this." Belldandy was saying. She frowned a little, "Skuld, are you >listing to what I'm saying?" MIKE: (Skuld) No I am purposely ignoring you. Does it bug you? Skuld: I would never! Ohhh when I get my mallet on you!!!! >"Huh? Sorry Oneechan, I was thinking how good it will be to see Nene and >Washu again." Skuld said. TOM: We got to make a black hole and antimatter and stuff!! It was cool!!! All: Hmmmm, sounds like fun. JG: Great, give them suggestions why don't you. >Belldandy smiled at her younger sister, the few months that Nene spent with >Skuld were some of the young goddess's happiest memories. CROW: Unfortunetly, this show is rated PG-13 thus we were unable to see what *really* make her happy during her time with Nene and Washu. Wink, wink, nudge nudge. MIKE: Crow..... Nene: Is he suggesting... Skuld: What I think he's suggesting? Washu: I think so. All: KILL!!!!!!! >Keiichi and Urd joined them at the table. CROW: Quickly trying to rearrange their clothing and making sure that ALL of their clothes were on. MIKE: Crow... Skuld: Not even Keiichi would to that! >"Belldandy, how are we going to get there? Urd said that Tenchi and the >others live in another world." Keiichi asked the goddess. TOM: Wait a second. You mean to tell me that Keiichi, someone who has lived with a goddess, a person who can bend time and space, for a few months now and he has to ask just HOW THEY ARE GOING TO GET THERE!!!???? MIKE: Careful Tom. Your head may not have the full absorbtion buffers that your old head had. Skuld: I don't get it Keiichi asks stupid questions like that all the time. >Skuld answered, "Simple, Nene said that she was going to bring the others >to Yggdrasil, all we need to do is meet them there, then go on to Tenchi's >home." >"Oh" Keiichi said, remembering that Nene was the goddess of the Internet, >and her travel medium was through computers. "Then how are we going to get >to Yggdrasil?" TOM: Nene!? Goddess!!! AAHHHHH!!!! GO GO GO GOGO.....TICK TICK!! CROW: Oh no he's gonna blow..........again! MIKE: Hang on Servo!!! ( Mike gets up and rushes offscreen then comes back, carrying a bag full of something). Here you go!! ( Mike dumps the bags contents into Tom's head and waits for a few seconds, tense). TOM: Whoa! Thanks Mike, those absorption chips really help! Nene: What's wrong with me being a goddess? >Belldandy smiled, "Leave that to Me." she said. CROW: Remember, I'm a god. Washu: No, she's a goddess, there's a diffrence that if you don't know by now there's no hope for you. >On the fourth day of Christmas Washu gave to me, four Knight Sabers, three >goddesses, two fiancées for Ranma, and a cabbit stuck in a pine tree. MIKE: Bet ya this thing goes on till the end. >Sylia Stingray looked out at the twinkling lights of Mega Tokyo. CROW: Wondering which building to blow up next. TOM: (Sylia) This one? Naw, too pretty. That one? Ah the hell with it!! I'll blow them all up! Washu: (Sigh) Look's like it's Nene's turn. Nene: Why that, that, that... >Behind her, she could hear the rest of the Knight Sabers and her brother Mackie >make plans for Christmas. She allowed herself a small smile; not even Genom >could spoil this season. MIKE: Do they celebrate Christmas in Japan? TOM: I think so. CROW: Except that they use a giant robot Santa Claus. JG: And he's telling me I'm messing up? >"So when do we leave Nene?" Linna asked her friend. The shock that Nene not >only survived a blast that should have ended her life, but was in fact a >goddess had not changed the youngest Knight Saber too much. The problem >was, Sylia thought, the others are still unsure how to treat her. Nene was >now a goddess, but still acted like the young girl that everyone knew. CROW: If she were a goddess then wouldn't she be able to blow up GENOM, save the world, thus allowing everyone to live happily ever after? MIKE: Now where would the story be in that. TOM: Where's the story in this fic? Nene: Hmmmm, now there's an idea. Skuld: The Lord wouldn't approve. Nene: Nuts! >"Well as we have eight days until Christmas, I thought we could leave tomorrow." Nene said. MIKE: Naww. Let's wait until the last moment possible. >"I still don't see why we couldn't just get drunk and go spray paint the >tower or something." Priss complained. TOM: I see that someone has not been going to their alcohol anonymous meetings lately. Skuld: Priss goes to AA? Nene: Um, no comment. >Sylia turned to the group, in many ways they were both her sisters and her >children. It looked like this time she would have to play mom. CROW: And spank them..... MIKE: One more comment like that young man and it's a time out for you! Nene: I swear, one more comment like that and I'm going after them in my hardsuit. >"Because Priss, even we have to have a vacation sometimes. We would lose >our edge if we didn't. Knight Sabers go!.... On vacation." MIKE: (bored)Yaaaah. What a battle cry. Skuld: Who said anything about battles? >Nene and Linna just stared at her. Priss looked at them, "Did I just hear >Sylia make a joke?" she asked. TOM: The end of the world is coming! THE END OF THE WORLD IS COMING! Nene: Yup. >They nodded mutely. CROW: Someone had hit the mute button on the remote. >Priss rubbed her forehead, "Then I know we need a vacation." MIKE: OH yeah. I would like a vacation from all the violence, and excitment and adventure and explosions and.... CROW: (Eyes glazing over) Women in tight metal costumes..... TOM: With lots of lesbian undertones to boot. MIKE: Guys.... Nene: (Stands up) Excuse me for a moment. JG: Oh no you don't, no killing authors. Remember, we all have free speech here. Nene: Not after I tear his vocal cords out he won't. JG: Have you two been giving her more lessons on assertiveness? Washu and Skuld: We plead the 5th. >The rest laughed and Sylia smiled inwardly, sometimes a bad joke got the >point across better than a long speech she thought. TOM: Or else she would have to get the gun out and threaten them with it again. >On the fifth day of Christmas Washu gave to me, five Jusenkyo springs! Four >Knight Sabers, three Goddesses, two fiancées for Ranma, and a cabbit stuck >in a pine tree. >It was Christmas time at the training grounds of accursed springs. The >Jusenkyo Guide and his daughter Plum had gone back to their cabin after >turning insects into reindeer by dumping them into spring of drown reindeer >for the children of the amazon village. >"Father, I need to check my email." Plum said. TOM: Since when do they have electricity in the wilderness of China? JG: Since I threatened to dunk council memmbers in a spring. >"I'll log on for you, then make dinner." the Guide said. >He started the computer, but instead of the familiar Windows 95 screen, >four young women and a teenage boy popped out. CROW: I know what *I* want for Christmas! >"Uh Nene, this doesn't look like Yggdrasil." The black hair one with the >headband said. TOM: Oh boy, I sense introductions all around. >Nene looked around; it was obvious she was having trouble concentrating. MIKE: Oh man I am so baked. >"Nope, definitely not Yggdrasil, unless Kami-sama redecorated." For some >reason that struck her as hilariously funny and she doubled up laughing. >"Priss, did you give Nene that spiked egg nog?" Sylia asked. >"Well she said she wanted to relax." Priss said smirking. CROW: Oh great idea Priss. Whenever traveling with a Goddess who bends time and Space in a computer to get you where you want to go, always make sure she is PISS DRUNK! Nene: I have to remember to thank Priss for that. >Sylia sighed, "So where are we?" TOM: You're in sunny Hawaii! All: NANI? >The Guide spoke up at that point, "Here sirs you come to famous training >grounds of accursed springs, Jusenkyo." MIKE: Shouldn't that be ladies and sir? CROW: Priss is a lady? (Washu, Nene, and Skuld look at JG) All: Well? JG: Uhhh.... >That seemed to sober Nene up. "This is Jusenkyo?" She demanded. >The Guide nodded. MIKE: Off to sleep. JG: Oh sir, I never sleep at work. >"Ahhhhh, everyone back into the computer! We're leaving now!!!!!!" And with >that she started pushing them back towards the screen. TOM: RED ALERT! RED ALERT! SHIELDS UP! ARM PHASERS AND PHOTON TORPRDOS! >"Nene what's wrong? What's gotten into you?" Linna asked. CROW: (Nene) I just had three Cappuchinos!! (All of them shutter) >"You don't want to know, now go!" Nene said and pushed them into the >computer. "I'm sorry about interrupting, Merry Christmas!" Then she was gone. >Plum came in, "Father, what was that noise? Who were those people." She asked. MIKE: Since when did the guide have a daughter? JG: Haven't read the last story line yet have you? >"Someone who actually listen to what I tell them." The Jusenkyo Guide said. TOM: Well they would have to not be in the Ranma universe since everyone else doesn't. >On the sixth day of Christmas Washu gave to me, six hackers hacking, ALL: ( All imitade a heavy smoker trying to do a five mile run) All: Hey! >five Jusenkyo springs! Four Knight Sabers, three goddesses, two fiancées for >Ranma, and a cabbit stuck in a pine tree. >After a few more wrong turns, Nene finally got them to Yggdrasil. >Belldandy, Urd, Skuld, and Keiichi were waiting for them, along with someone else. CROW: The hired stripper! MIKE: Alright that's it! Time out! (Mike grabs Crow's mouth and holds it shut, reaching under the seat for the roll of duct tape. He wraps it around the robot's mouth five times before tearing it off and placing the tape back under the seat). CROW: Mmmphh! >Nene went a bit pale, "Lord, why are you here?" She asked bowing. TOM: (young man) I heard there was a party and I just love parties! Skuld: Grrrrrrrrr. >The other Knight Sabers froze and looked at the young man who Nene had spoken to. >"This is......?" Linna asked nervously. >Belldandy smiled, "Yes, this is our Father. Lord, I would like you to meet >Sylia, Priss, Linna, and Mackie, they're Nene's friends." >He faced them, "Nene has told me much about you. You are welcome to Heaven, >and my blessings upon you all." He then looked back at Nene, "So this is >the one? A good choice, almost as good as Keiichi." TOM: Shouldn't Sylia be raving about now as to why he hasn't helped them in their fight against Genom or something? MIKE: The writer probably never have seen the show and is guessing as to how the characters would react. CROW: Mmmpphh!! JG: (Raises a eye brow) Want to go a few rounds on BGC trivia? >Nene blushed about the same color as her hair. "Lord!!!" She wailed. >Kami-sama smiled, "Even I have my fun. TOM: (Q) I love to poke fun at you inferiors! >To answer your question Nene, I have >decided to come with you to celebrate the Day." He looked at them all >sternly, "It is my command that none of you revile who I am to the others. >They will find out." MIKE: Why is he asking them not to mention who he is if they'll find out anyway? TOM: I think he wants it to be a surprise. >"Yes Lord." They all said bowing. TOM: (all) Yes Lord, alright Lord, right away Lord. Geez what a stuck up bastard! Washu: You know, for someone who keeps on insulting God, it's a wonder he hasn't been smited yet. >He smiled, "Now that that's taken care of, let us go to the Masaki house >and...." He paused for a second, "How do you say it Urd? Oh yes, Let's paaaarrrrty!" MIKE: God at a fraternity party ladies and gentlemen. (Washu and Nene look at Skuld) Skuld: Never mind! >Everyone looked at Him. >"Great, first Sylia makes a joke, then God, what's next Linna having a boy >friend longer than six weeks?" Priss said. >"Priss I heard that!" Linna snapped. CROW: ( now having shrugged out of the duct tape) Let's all say our names over and over again so the reader doesn't forget who's talking! >"I hope Washu remembered to leave a computer on for us." Belldandy said. >"Oneechan, this is Washu were talking about." Skuld said. >"Oh, I suppose you're right." She replied. >Then they were gone. CROW: Crazy. >On the seventh day of Christmas Washu gave to me, seven P-chans squealing, TOM: Squeal! Squeal little pig! >six hackers hacking, five Jusenkyo springs! Four Knight Sabers, three >goddesses, two fiancées for Ranma, and a cabbit stuck in a pine tree. >The long train ride from Nerima, and the even longer drive from the station >to the Masaki house was made without any fighting by Ranma and Akane. MIKE: Akane and Ranma NOT fighting? Hang on, I think we just had the fic cross over into an alternate universe on us. >Most likely it was from Ranma being so excited about seeing his cousin Tenchi >again, and Akane being happy that she had found P-chan just before they had >left the Tendo Dojo. Or it could be that Nakoda had placed herself between >the two and had sat Ukyo away from both of them. CROW: Hmmmmmm maybe. Nene: Oh I don't know, I wouldn't want to cross Ranma's mom. >The rented van halted to a stop TOM: Throwing everyone through the front windshield since they had forgot to buckle up. >in front of the Masaki house. Ranma looked >up and frowned a bit, "I thought that their house was in the city." He said. ALL: HUH? TOM: (confused) Okay, Ranma knows that Tenchi's house is in the countryside but wonders why it is and thought that it was in the city.....Argh! CAN'T THIS AUTHOR GET SOMETHING RIGHT IN THIS FAN FIC?!?!?!?!?!?!?! MIKE: I told you not to nitpic. Just smile and nod. Washu: (Blinks a few times) You do remember my daughter moving it right?. >"It was, but your uncle said something about having it moved to the base of >the shrine." Nakoda said. >The Tendo sisters looked around. The area had been hit with a light >snowstorm the day before, and the trees and ground had been dusted with snow. CROW: (tree) COUGH! COUGH! Geez, can't anyone do any cleaning up around here? >"Oh, it's lovely." Kasumi said. >"All a shore who's going a shore." Soun said holding open the door. MIKE: But they're already on land. >"Thank you father." Kasumi said. TOM: For staying on the road. >"Thanks for the ride Mr. Saotome." Ukyo said. >"Yeah Pop, good thing we didn't have P-chan driving, or we would have never got here." CROW: Does Ranma purposely try to divulge Ryoga's secret despite the fact that he is honor bound not to? >P-chan squealed angrily. TOM: (P-chan) What do you mean never get here? Is my driving that bad? >"Ranma I told you not to pick on him!" Akane said angrily. >Nakoda sighed and moved between the two. "Now children, no fighting while we are here." MIKE: We'll fight after we leave! >"Yes Auntie Saotome." Akane said. CROW: Auntie? Is Akane and Ranma married already? TOM: But that would make her mother-in-law then Auntie. MIKE: Remember what I said about nitpicking. JG: You haven't seen that much Ranma have you? >"Ranma?" Nakoda asked with a warning tone. >"Yes mom." Ranma said. CROW: Just put the sword away mom. >Nakoda smiled, "Now lets go greet your cousin." >In the Masaki house a similar conversation was taking place. >"Now I don't want any strange things going on. My cousin is a normal person >and doesn't need to be frighten out of his wits by space pirates fighting >princess and goddesses doing tricks." Tenchi was saying in an unusually >firm tone of voices. MIKE: Like anyone is gonna follow those rules. >"Yes Tenchi-sama." Ayeka said. >"Ryoko?" Tenchi asked. >"You're taking all the fun out of this Tenchi. " She complained. TOM: (whiny voice) I wanna blow stuff up while people watch! >Tenchi looked at her. CROW: With his tongue hanging out and drool dribbling down his chin. MIKE: Crow.... >"Yes Tenchi, I promise to be good." Ryoko said with a sigh. >"IO-sama, why are you smiling?" Washu asked Him. CROW: He finally scored with Mihoshi!!!! MIKE: CROW!! CROW: Ah bite me Nelson. Washu: Forget it. >Kami-sama, who had introduced Himself as Belldandy's brother IO, grinned at >the genius. "Ranma is a bit less normal that Tenchi thinks he is. I wonder >if you are prepared for him." TOM: When did they get there? I thought they were coming after Ranma and his friends and family got there. MIKE: Well since he's god I would say any darn time he wanted. >Washu was about to reply when there was a knock on the door. TOM: And then it fell in. >"That must be them." Tenchi said, and went to answer the door. MIKE: Or not. >In it were Genma, Soun, and Nakoda. CROW: Now that's got to be a tight fit. >"Uncle and Aunt Saotome!" Tenchi said. He looked questionably at Soun, "And >you are sir?" MIKE: (Rambo) I'm your worst nightmare. >"This is my dear old friend Soun Tendo." Genma said. TOM:Who I've been leaching off for the past while now. >"I am happy to meet you sir, Uncle Saotome has told me about you." Tenchi >said bowing. CROW: (Tenchi) Oh great, another guy to bow down to. >Soun smiled and was about to say something when a shout interrupted him. >"All right Masaki, get out here, you and I have some unfinished business to attend to!" TOM: You owe me five bucks! >Tenchi grinned, then his face grew stern, "You have a lot of nerve showing >up here Saotome." He shouted back. MIKE: I've got women that can kick your ass at my bidding! Washu: That's an attractive thought, we can start with this author. Skuld and Nene: YES! >In the path Ranma stood in a battle ready stance, "So what are you going to >do about it?" He demanded. MIKE: (Tenchi) Like I said, get the women to kick your ass. TOM: That's enough of the joke Mike. >"Why that young...." Ryoko started. She was restrained by Yosho. CROW: Get your hands off my- MIKE: Crow..... CROW: Shoulders, shoulders! I was going to say shoulders. JG: I was talking about Yosho, NOT Noboyuki >"Don't worry Ryoko, this happens every time Ranma comes to visit." Yosho said. TOM: Bet ya five bucks Ranma kicks his ass. >"Well I'm waiting." Ranma said. MIKE: Are you going to make me come in there young man? >"Excuse me, I have to deal with a loud mouth jerk!" The last part was said >so that Ranma could hear it. Tenchi stepped out the door an on to the path. >"So, you finally show yourself." Ranma said. CROW: Not going to hide behind the girls are you? >"I have manners which you lack!" Tenchi replied. TOM: So there! Nyah! >With a yell both boys leaped at each other. When they came down, both were >hugging each other and laughing. MIKE: This is so wrong. >"I've missed you Ten-chan." Ranma said finally. >"You too Ran-chan." Tenchi said. CROW: Yuck! Argh! I want lesbian action, not gay! JG: I am not going to say anything. >Akane and P-chan just started at Ranma as if he had lost his marbles. TOM: (Akane) Time to give Ranma his medicine dad! >"Sparing latter tonight?" Ranma asked. >"Sure, we'll go up to Grandpa's house to do it. There are some others who >would like to join us." Tenchi said. MIKE: And maybe even an enemy or two. >"Sounds cool." Ranma said, then noticed everyone else. "Uh, I better >introduce you. This is Tendo Akane, and her sisters Nabiki, and Kasumi." >"I am please to meet you all." Tenchi said bowing. CROW: And I mean pleased! Rrroowlll! >"And I'm sure you remember Ukyo." Ranma finished. TOM: The one with the spatula remember? >"That's Ucchan?" Tenchi asked. MIKE: No that's Santa claus, of it's her! All: Huh? >Ukyo smiled and hugged him. Yosho restrained Ryoko, and Washu and Sasami >held Ayeka back. >Tenchi pointed to the group that was surrounding him. "Well these are my >friends. This is Ryoko, Ayeka, Washu, Sasami, Belldandy, Urd, Skuld, >Keiichi, Nene, Sylia, Priss, Linna, and Mackie." He said. >The Tendo's and the Saotome's bowed, and everyone bowed back. TOM: Breaking their backs off in the process. >Kami-sama came up on the group with Yosho. >"Oh, and this is Belldandy's brother IO, and you remember my grandfather." >Tenchi finished. MIKE: Just who is he introducing them to? TOM: The writer? CROW: The lawyers of the creators of the characters? Washu: The readers right? JG: How should I know? >While the rest of them were exchanging greetings, P-chan started squealing >and pointing up franticly. CROW: Put me down Akane, I REALLY have to go! >"What is it P-chan?" Akane asked. TOM: Oh great. This is turning out to be a really bad version of Lassie. >"Bweiiiii!!!!!!!" P-chan said. MIKE: What? Timmy fell in the well again? Ah leave him there! Nene: Timmy? Washu: What you have no Lassie in 2032? Nene: No. Washu: I think I'll like the future after all. >The all looked up at a rapidly descending light. CROW: The what? Shouldn't that be the? MIKE: Remember what I said about nitpicking. TOM: Besides that's my job. >"Oh my!" Belldandy and Kasumi said together. MIKE: There's something in that about family relations but I don't know what it is. CROW: Gods been getting around! >The object hit the water sending a huge wave the soaked everyone. When it >subsided Mihoshi and Kiyone stood in very wet uniforms on the dock. >"Why Mihoshi?! Why didn't you fire the thrusters?" Kiyone demanded of her >scattered brain partner. TOM: Probably because she is a scattered brain partner, ever think of that? Washu: Of course not. >Tenchi sighed, the secret was out of the bag now, he turned to his cousin, >only to find that a red haired pig tailed girl had replaced Ranma. Next to >his aunt stood a large panda. CROW: Looks like someone has some explaining to do. >"Uhhhh, I can explain." Ranma chan said. >"So can I." Tenchi said. >Yosho clasped both young, uh, men on the shoulder, "Let's go inside, dry >off, and then we can explain then." He said leading them inside. CROW: Get your hand off my-MMMPPHH!!! MIKE: That's it! Time out! (Mike reaches under the seat for rope and duct tape then proceeds to seal Crow's mouth shut). >The last one in, IO paused, "This is going to be the best Day ever!" TOM: Who's IO? JG: Arrrrgggggg!!!! I introduced him to you already! Skuld: Calm down, you want so ice-cream? >On the eighth day of Christmas Washu gave to me, eight panty thieves a >stealing, seven P-chan's squealing, six hackers hacking, five Jusenkyo >Springs! Four Knight Sabers, three goddesses, two fiancées for Ranma, and a >cabbit stuck in a pine tree. CROW: MMmmmphh!!! >It was after the explanation, an explanation filled with goddesses, curses, >space pirates, aliens, and people from the future. MIKE: This showing that this was one of the worst crossovers ever made. Washu: No it isn't, trust me, there are much, much worse out there. Nene: Oh really? Like what? Washu: Like a Sailor Moon, Power Rangers cross over. Skuld: EVIL!!! >Ranma sat shaking his head, "If I hadn't had seen worse, I wouldn't have >believed it." He said. TOM: Neither would I. >Tenchi sighed, "I feel the same, you still up for that sparing?" He asked. >Ranma nodded, "You better believe it. Who else wanted to tag along?" >"Linna said she wanted to." Tenchi said. CROW: Mmmmpphh! TOM: It''l be awhile before he gets his mouth open again. Skuld: Thank Kami-sama! >Ranma looked at his cousin, "Is she good?" he asked. CROW: (Starts to chew on the rope and duct tape and getting angry at missing such a good chance for a comment). >"One of the best." Tenchi replied. TOM: And I should know! Wink wink, nudge, nudge. MIKE: Not you too! Nene: I'd be angry, but knowing Linna.... Washu: Oh? And who was it who begged to star in a lemon with Mackie? Nene: (going red) WASHU!!!! >In the end everyone except Belldandy, Kasumi, and Sasami who were cooking, >and Mihoshi who was watching TV, went to go see this sparing match. MIKE: Well at least they kept Akane out of the kitchen. >They went up to the shrine's courtyard where Linna, Ranma, and Tenchi were >trying to figure out what to do. TOM: I don't know. Maybe spar, like they said they were going to do in the first place. Nene: Or maybe they're trying to figure out who's on first. Washu: Right. JG: Don't you dare start that again! >"Well how about this." Linna was saying, "You and I both know Tenchi's >fighting style, we don't know each others. How about we start, the winner >faces Tenchi?" CROW: (Finally free of the duct tape) Tenchi's rrrough but I don't know about you. Washu: Oh I wouldn't say that.... All: Never mind! >"Sounds fair to me." Ranma said, "First blood, knock out, or yield?" he asked. TOM: I thought Ranma didn't hit women. >"Yield." Linna replied. "Mr. Tendo, Mr. Saotome, could you please judge?" MIKE: Your acting? It stinks. >The two martial artists nodded. Tenchi stood between them. >"Ready?" he asked. CROW: Aw no. Wait, wait, wait, wait! >Priss, who was standing next to Akane said, "This will be a short fight, >Linna's going to kick his butt." TOM: At least it's Linna fighting instead of Nene. She would probably cry and then accidently knock Ranma out. Washu: No that's Mihoshi. >Akane looked at Priss, "I wouldn't bet on it," she said. >"I would." Priss said. >"If Ranma wins, you do my share of the dishes. If Linna wins, I'll do yours, deal?" >"Deal!" Priss said, "I hate house work." MIKE: Hey if these two are betting on the fighters then shouldn't Nabiki be taking money and bets about now? TOM: Well this is a crossover and they don't exactly follow the rules in crossovers. JG: Who says she wasn't? >The two martial artists nodded to Tenchi. >"Sylia, if you would please give the go ahead." Tenchi said. CROW: But I thought it was Tenchi who would give the go for them to fight. >Sylia raised an eyebrow but said, "As you wish, sanjo!" >The fight began. Linna sent out a probing kick, MIKE: Hello, hello? Is anyone there? >which Ranma easily dodged._ >'He's fast, I'll have to watch myself.' Linna thought. >A few more fast kicks and punches where thrown, all of which Ranma got out >of the way of. Linna wasn't even getting close to touching him. CROW: All the while her big- MIKE: Crow..... CROW: I was going to say fists! Big fists were connedcting with nothing! Geez you're such a worrywart! >"Could you at least attack back?" Linna demanded. TOM: Oh so the great Linna *demands* something! >Ranma shrugged, "If you want me to," he said. >"Yes I would! I want to see how fast you are." Linna said from clenched teeth. >Ranma shrugged again. >"Here it comes." Akane said to Priss. MIKE: Not a word young man. CROW: What? >"Tenshin amaguri-ken!" Ranma shouted and launched a fury of punches. Linna >was able to block the first couple, but the rest got through. They weren't >hard; in fact all Ranma was doing was making enough contact so Linna >realized that she was getting touched. A second latter, Ranma stopped. CROW: Makes you wonder where he touched her. Wink wink, nudge nudge. Nene: I know! I know! Skuld: Know what? Nene: We could send Ranma after them! JG: Ladies..... >"Is that what you meant?" He asked. >Linna nodded in shock. "I yield." She said finally. >Ranma grinned at her, "Hey, don't feel to bad, I've been training all my >life. If you had the same training, you would be better than Shampoo." MIKE: Good compliment Ranma. TOM: The best way to compliment someone is to say they need training to be better then someone they don't know. >"Who's Shampoo?" Priss asked Akane. CROW: A really cool character we couldn't bring into the story. JG: I don't like Shampoo. Shampoo: Why you no like Shampoo? JG: Ummmm.... >"A Chinese bimbo who thinks she's his husband." Akane looked directly at >Priss, "Don't forget, you get to do the dishes tonight." >What Priss said in reply isn't reprintable. CROW: What we have in our minds is not reprintable either. MIKE: Reprintable? Does that mean.... TOM: There's another version of this story out there? ALL: AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Washu: I hope not. Nene: Why's that? Washu: Because then more people might MST it and then we would have to do this all over again. >Nabiki leaned over and whispered in her sister's ear, "Not bad sis, maybe >there's hope for you yet." TOM: ust what we need, another Nabiki in the world. >"May I train with you while we are here?" Linna asked. CROW: Let's see how good you are against me in my hardsuit. Hee hee. >"Uhh sure." Ranma said. "You can even come to the Tendo Dojo if you want." >"Ranma there's a problem with that." Linna said. MIKE: The author can't make another good crossover for me to get good training. JG: Don't tempt me. >"What?" TOM: (Imitating Peasent from Warcraft 2) Huh? >"I live in Mega Tokyo in 2034, you live in Nerima in 1997." she said. >"Oh, yeah, I forgot about that." Ranma said. CROW: The plot? The reasonable plot contrivance? >In the mean time Tenchi was looking at his cousin, "Uh Ranma? I think maybe >I'll skip sparing with you," he said. ALL: Wimp! >Ranma looked a bit disappointed. Sylia however, looked thoughtful. >"I may want to speak with you and Nene about training after all." she said. >Nene looked at Ranma, "You want me to train with him?" she asked. >"I may need you to bring him to Mega Tokyo to train all of us." Sylia said. TOM: I sense foreshadowing of another bad crossover! ALL: AAHHH!! Skuld: Do it! That would show them! >"Why me?" CROW: (Sylia) You're the goddess remember? >"You're the only one who can breach the space and time boundaries remember?" MIKE: Good call. >"Oh yeah." Nene said. CROW: I forgot! Giggle! >Priss mumbled something about 'Little Miss Cyberpunk.' TOM: Priss does not mumble any kind of insult. She comes right out and says it. >Later, after a wonderful dinner fixed by Kasumi, Belldandy, and Sasami, >everyone had gone to bed. The adults had gone with Yosho up to the shrine, >the girls had moved to Washu's lab to sleep, and the boys filled the spare >rooms of the rest of the house. All was peaceful until a scream split the night. CROW: (As any one of the boys) Whoops! Thought this was my room. >"Come back here you old pervert!" >"I don't think so! What a haul! What a haul!" A dark shape bounded from the >lab's door, trailed by a very pissed off group of Knight Sabers, goddesses, >martial artists, aliens, and Galaxy Police detectives. TOM: Shouldn't they be shooting him? Washu: In the house? >"Ah I feel so young! I could go one like this forever!" Happosai said. >"Just think, me being pursued by such young lovely ladies." MIKE: Wonder how he's gonna feel after being beat up by a bunch of lovely ladies. CROW: Probably the same way we're feeling right now: in alot of pain. >"Stop! You're under arrest for.... Uh Kiyone, what's the article I'm >looking for?" Mihoshi asked. TOM: Your underwear? JG: OK, I left that one open. Washu: That really sounded bad JG. >Kiyone sighed, "There isn't one, I don't think that the Galaxy Police or >the Jurai Supreme Council took hentais in account when they made the laws." MIKE: Which means that we can just kill him indiscriminately. >"I don't care what law he's broken, he's dead!" Shouted Ryoko, who started >hurdling energy spears at Happosai, who dodged them. >The scream, and explosions, had awakened the boys who came out of their >rooms. Ranma saw Happosai. TOM: Just another night at Tenchi's. >"Just what do you think you're doing you old leach?" Ranma demanded. >"Ah Ranma my boy, you want to help your master here? I'll even give some of >Akane's and Ukyo's panties." Happosai said. >"No way!" Ranma denighed hotly. CROW: Does the author even know hot to spell deny correctly? TOM: Doesn't look like it. Skuld: Your not so hot yourself. Washu: They're better than the Guide. JG: Will everyone knock off of my spelling? >"I have had enough of this!" Ayeka declared, "Azaka! Kamidake!" >The two Jurai guardians appeared instantly. >"Yes Ma'am?" They said. >"Get that pervert, and bring him to me!" CROW: He interests me for some reason. Nene: I can't see Ayeka saying that. Washu: I can. JG: Don't go there. >"Yes Ma'am!" >The two guardians moved of and tried to surround the hentai master. MIKE: Looks like Ratliff's been teaching again. TOM: Ratliff? BOOM!!! MIKE: Oh no! His head blew up again! CROW: Way to go Mike! Skuld: AGAIN!!!!! >"What's this? Ganging up on an old man?" Happosai demanded. CROW: no we're ganging up on an old pervert!! >Ranma leaned over and whispered something into Tenchi's ear. Tenchi went >into his room and returned with a glass of water. >"Thanks Tenchi" Ranma said, removed his tank top, and dumped the water over >his head. "Oh Master?" Ranma chan said. Tenchi had an immediate bloody >nose, and Keiichi fainted. TOM: I heard Ranma was going to star in the next Showgirls movie. All: (Shutters) Don't EVEN go there! >"Oh boy!" Happosai exclaimed, and leapt after Ranma chan. Azaka and >Kamidake took steps. They enclosed Happosai in a Jurai force field. MIKE: how can they take steps if they don't have feet. >"So what shall we do with him?" Ryoko asked forming a sword. >"I think we should use the bastered for target practices." Priss said. CROW: Aw Priss. NO matter what dimension she's in, she never changes. >Ayeka looked at Mihoshi and Kiyone thoughtfully, "Are you sure there's no >law he's breaking?" she asked. TOM: How about sexual harassment? CROW: That was a quick recovery. TOM: I hope this head holds up longer then the last. MIKE: Maybe you should stop nitpicking. >"I wish there was, but even if there was one, all it would be is a mistomener." Kiyone said. >Ryoko suddenly grinned, it was that grin that she used when she was about >to skin someone alive, "I know, hey mom! How would you like someone to >experiment on?" MIKE: Hey now that's a wee bit extreme isn't it? Washu: No it isn't! >Washu matched the grin on Ryoko's face with one of her own. "Why that's a >very thoughtful Christmas gift Ryoko chan. Why don't you bring him into the >lab, I have a few test I can run on him now." CROW: (Washu) I want a certain sample from him. Washu: No I don't! >The last that Ranma ever saw of Happosai was the terror filled gaze that he >directed at Ranma. Ranma did not feel any guilt whatsoever. >On the ninth day of Christmas Washu gave to me, nine boomers dancing, eight >panty thieves a stealing, seven P-chans squealing, six hackers hacking, >five Jusenkyo springs! Four Knight Sabers, three goddesses, two fiancées >for Ranma, and a cabbit stuck in a pine tree. TOM: You're right Mike. This thing does seem to run straight to the end. MIKE: Told ya. >Three days before Christmas, everyone went to town to buy the last minute >gifts that always seem to pop up. CROW: Pop goes the weasel! >Ranma was searching for a Christmas gift for Akane, while Tenchi was >looking for one for Washu. TOM: Sholdn't Tenchi be getting one for either......Ah the hell with it! I am not going to nitpick anything anymore. MIKE: That vow ought to last for about five minutes. >"Well what do you get for someone who's lived for 20,000 years, and has >invented anything she wants?" He asked his cousin. CROW: Who asked his cousin? Nene: If you paid attention, you would know. >"Dono." Ranma said, "My problem is that every time I give her a gift, she >takes it the wrong way, or Shampoo or Kodachi show up and wreak it." MIKE: Sounds like a Senator's party gone bad. >On the other side of town Akane and Belldandy were having the same discussion. TOM: To get or not to get? Ah hell, I'll get something for myself! >"That jerk, every time I give him anything, he always makes fun of it, or >those three bimbos show up." Akane complained. CROW: What did Akane complain about? MIKE: You're stealing Tom's schtick. TOM: Yeah! You're stealing my schtick! CROW: What is a schtick? MIKE: I don't know. It just sounds right. >Belldandy smiled at the young woman, "But you love him right?" >"What? Ranma?! No!!!!" CROW: (Akane) That's why I'm giving him something for Christmas! >"Akane, you shouldn't lie to a goddess, we can see right through them." The >goddess told her gently, TOM: (Belldandy) Oh well you lied. Time to smite you. (Skuld opens her mouth) Washu: Yes, we know, you're going to kill him. >"Now what do you want to give him?" >"I wanted to make him a dinner that he would actualy eat and like." Akane said glumly. ALL: (Stunned silence)) MIKE: Like that's going to happen this century. TOM: Isn't that one of those events...like a miracle? CROW: Nawww. I think it's one of those events like surviving a trip through a black hole. Washu: What's so hard about that? >"I think I can help you." Belldandy said. CROW: Awww. Belldandy helping Akane cook is like people bailing water on the Titanic.... MIKE: Or people flying in the Hindenburg.... TOM: Or people driving a 78 Chevy that gets hit on the right side.... >Meanwhile, the trouble three, Skuld, Nene, and Washu were out as well. MIKE: They were dressed up as wells? Cool! CROW: Really? MIKE: Um. No. >"I'm still not sure what to get him." Nene said. She had been searching for >a gift for Mackie before she left Mega Tokyo, and had yet to find anything. TOM: Nene was unable to buy a gift for a pervert in a city where the population is above a gazillion and the stores are just as numerous? Nene: On an ADP salary? You try it. >"Hmmm, have you thought of a photo of you in the nude?" Washu asked. ALL: EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! CROW: Well the nude part I wouldn't change but I would rather have Priss.. MIKE: Stop right there... >"WAAASSSHHHUUUU!!!!!" The young goddess complained. TOM: (Whiny voice) I'm gonna smite you! Nene: I do not have a whiny voice right?! Skuld, Washu, and JG: Umm, 5th. >"It was a joke! A joke!" Washu said. MIKE: (whisper) Brat. >Meanwhile Skuld was looking at a display in the window of a shop. CROW: Stop starring into the sex shop! TOM: Urd would do something like that, not Skuld. >"How about this Nene?" she asked. >"That's perfect!" Nene exclaimed. MIKE: I would agree with her if only I knew what she was talking about. >"I still think the nude photo would be best." Washu said. TOM: At least we know where Ryoko got her sex drive from. VRROOMM!! CROW: Hey! Now you're stealing my thing! Skuld: Why did you give her that anyway? JG: Don't answer that Washu. >On the tenth day of Christmas Washu gave to me, ten Jurai Emperors a >leaping, nine boomers dancing, eight panty thieves a stealing, six hackers >hacking, five Jusenkyo springs! Four Knight Sabers, three goddess, two >fiancées for Ranma, and a cabbit in a pine tree. MIKE: Hey where were the dancing boomers! I say stop! I was ripped off! >The day before Christmas Eve, the Masaki household and their guest received >some more visitors. Namely the Emperor of Jurai, Azusa, and his two wives >Masaki and Funaho. CROW: So having no idea what Christmas is about, they decided to stop in, even though Azusa probably hates Tenchi's guts for taking away his two daughters. TOM: Fan boy! JG: You really need to check out what's been going on. >Yosho had been telling Genma, Soun, Nakoda, and IO about some of the things >he had seen on Jurai when Funaho arrived at the shrine. >"Mother? What are you doing here?" Yosho asked her. MIKE: Yousho dosn't appear to be very bright in this one does he? TOM: Well humans aren't very smart. MIKE: Yeah...HEY! >"Visiting for Christmas, mothers tend to do that. Of course you haven't >asked me over for 700 hundred years...." She gave Yosho a reproachful look. CROW: Looks like the unknown author has been using the Thesaurus lately. MIKE: Couldn't he have used *disaproving* like everyone else? Washu: Of course not, not with me helping. >"Well, something came up..." Yosho tried lamely. TOM: And found that it was an excellent drink. As rich tasting as Sake but with three times the liquer. All: Lame joke. >"Something always comes up." Funaho said smiling. MIKE: If all she said was smiling then why bother to say anything at all. All: HUH? >"So is it just you?" Yosho asked. CROW: Yousho asked?! WOW! Hey I didn't know that! Did you guys know that? MIKE: Nope. TOM: Totally clueless. >"No, Masaki and the Emperor are here as well. Azusa wanted to see his >daughters and Tenchi." Funaho said. CROW: Noooo. It should have been Azusa wanted to see his daughters and kill Tenchi. TOM: Fan boy! CROW: You're one to talk Mr.Power Rangers member of the month! MIKE: Alright you two, cut it out. >The others had been looking away politely. MIKE: Nope. Nothing to flame there. >"Oh, forgive me mother, my manners seem to be slipping. This is Saotome >Genma and Saotome Nakoda, she's Nobuyuki's sister. Tendo Soun a good friend >of the Saotome's. And IO, who is the brother of Belldandy, one of Tenchi's >friends." Yosho said. TOM: First he uses no comma's and then he uses too many. This guy needs some serious classes in english. MIKE: Like that would help. Nene: Now it looks like it's time to tie down JG. JG: Grrrrrrrrr. >"I am very pleased to meet you." Funaho said, "I am Funaho, first wife of >the Emperor of Jurai." >Meanwhile, down at the house, Priss was watching Sasami and Ayeka go greet their mother. >"Mommy!" Ayeka said >"My little Ayeka chan." Masaki said. >"Is she calling her....?" Ryoko slapped her hand over Priss's mouth. MIKE: (Priss) Oww! Time to die! >"Believe me, you DON'T want to make fun of it. Trust me." Ryoko said. >On the eleventh day of Christmas Washu gave to me, eleven RetoThrash >singers singing, ten Jurai Emperors a leaping, nine boomers dancing, eight >panty thieves a stealing, seven P-chans squealing, six hackers hacking, >five Jusenkyo springs! Four Knight Sabers, three goddess, two fiancées for >Ranma, and a cabbit stuck in a pine tree. MIKE: Alright, who wants to flame this? CROW: Well we're pretty near the end and the fan fic wasn't all *that* bad. TOM: Yeah. I say we leave the story be. >'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Masaki house chaos >reigned. Kasumi had decided that another Christmas party would be fun. So, >with that in mind, she quickly set about setting it up. She drafted into >service Ryoko, Nene, Skuld, Sasami, Washu, Ranma, Tenchi, Keiichi, Mihoshi, >Kiyone, Ayeka, Ukyo, Linna, and Priss, TOM: That certainly ruined the theme of the poem. MIKE: I thought we were gonna leave it be. CROW: Like that would happen. >who hadn't moved fast enough. The >rest had quickly disappeared. Masaki and Funaho volunteered to help out, >and had badgered Azusa into it as well. CROW: Badger the Emperor of Jurai will you? Off with their heads! Washu: He gets badgered all the time by those two. >Ryo-Ohki, in humanoid form help out of course. ALL: Of course. >They quickly set up an area in Washu's lab for fun and games, and as Ranma >found out to his horror, singing as well. MIKE: Can anyone here picture Ryoko singing? (Tom and Crow shake their heads no). >"No! I did it last year, and I'm not going to this year!" Ranma said. TOM: So he did it last year but he won't do it last year. Hmmm. CROW: See? I told you that he would break that vow about not nitpicking. MIKE: You were right. >"Come on Ranma, Kasumi says you have a wonderful singing voice." Skuld was saying. MIKE: She's a lair and you know it! >"I said no, and I mean it! Find someone else. Priss sings doesn't she?" Ranma said. CROW: Yell: Yes. Sing: ummm....err. Nene: I'm glad Priss isn't here. >Skuld turned to Priss. >"Hey, I don't sing Christmas carols." Priss said. >"Please Priss?" Nene asked. TOM: I'll stop bothering you! >"Nope, and stop trying to use those cute eyes on me." MIKE: For god sakes, put them back in your head! You're getting blood everywhere! Skuld: Gross! >Nene looked at Priss more thoughtfully, "You know, I'm sure Leon would love >to know where you are every minute of everyday." she said. CROW: Uh oh. Looks like Nene has been hanging around Nabiki too much. >"You wouldn't!" Priss said. >"Try me." TOM: On for size! I fit everyone! >"Man, you've been hanging out with Nabiki way too long." Ranma said. CROW: See! Told you. >Nene smiled at Ranma, "I suppose I have, but then she also told me some >things about you that Akane would just love to hear." MIKE: After retiring from being a Knight Saber, Nene went on to teach BlackMail at the mafia's college of New York, New York. Nene: Now there's an idea. JG: WILL you stop giving them ideas? >Ranma went pale, "Ok, what do you want me to sing?" he sighed. >In the kitchen, Belldandy was finding her divine patience put to the test. >"So I add sugar right Belldandy?" Akane asked. >"Akane, that's flour." Belldandy replied. CROW: Titanic. MIKE: Hindenburg. TOM: Ford. MIKE: Ford? I thought it was Chevy? TOM: Well Chevy did owe up to their mistake. Ford on the other hand..... >That night, the party went off with out a hitch. A grumbling Ranma chan and >Priss sang with Ukyo, Akane, Nabiki, and Belldandy. Ryo-Ohki performed her >dance. And Washu came up with nine dancing boomers from Mega Tokyo. MIKE: (Priss) AHHH! Boomers!! ( Makes sounds of lasers and rockets blowing up robots). >"Where did you get those anyway?" Sylia asked Washu. >"Well the AD Police had them in their scrap yard, I figured they wouldn't miss them." CROW: Usually there isn't anything left to put in a scrap yard, but since no one is following any kind of guide line, I'll let it go. Nene: Shows what you know, we get to dispose of all sorts of boomers, and not just combat boomers, in fact we... (Washu puts her hand over Nene's mouth) Washu: Never mind. >Midnight struck, it was Christmas Day! The gifts were brought out to be >exchanged. Before they were however, IO stood up. TOM: Who's IO again? I forgot. JG: ARRRRRRGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!! That's it, it's spring time for you! >"My blessings upon you all. Truly, this has been a Day to remember. Before >I depart, I must give my gifts, and let you know who has been your guest. MIKE: Remember, the gifts are a hundred dollars each so cough it up! CROW: Must get expensive running heaven. TOM: Well can you imagine the light bill? >"Ranma and Akane, you soon will find that you may no longer hide. Nabiki, >you will find that money is not everything, and when you do, that empty >spot will be filled. Kasumi, your burden is almost over, rejoice, you have >done your mother proud. Soun, Genma, and Nakoda, that which you want is >soon at hand. Ukyo, I sorrow that you will not have the love of the man you >want, but you have something as valuable, his friendship. It will be you >whom he will lean on in his coming trials." IO turned and looked at Tenchi, >"You my friend will soon make your choice, and it will be good. No one will >be hurt. Yosho, soon you will be able to put aside your burden, Tenchi will >be the one Azusa is looking for. Azusa, Funaho, Masaki, your empire will >live one for many more years to come, guided by Tenchi and his friends." IO >then looked at the Knight Sabers. "Sylia, your battle will end, and your >fathers dream come true. Priss, you will fine that someone will make you >look at yourself not as something to hate, but to love. Soon that anger >will be gone, replaced by what I intended in the first place. Linna, you >too will find that money isn't everything." IO then turned to the goddess, >"Urd and Skuld, rejoice, your sister is happy, and in her happiness you >will fine peace and love. Belldandy and Keiichi, you have my blessings, >just invite me to the wedding. Nene, my youngest goddess, you also have my >blessings, you and Mackie will be happy. So have I spoken." CROW: Wow. SNIFF SNIFF. That was so beautiful!! Sniff Sniff......I'm hungry! Who wants lunch? TOM: That totally ruined the mood. >Kami-sama smiled at them, "Long ago, on this day, I created the >Multi-verse, and life teamed in it. To some, I sent my only son to help. To >others, I let them go one, for they have the wisdom to stay on the path. I >do not love any less. Know that I love you all, and will always watch over >you. Merry Christmas." and with that, He was gone. MIKE: The author just messed up everything we knew about religion and stuff. TOM: Mike, exactly what do we know about religion? MIKE: Not much. Skuld: Shows what you know. >High above in Heaven, Kami-sama watched the others open gifts, as soon as >He left, they had forgotten that He had been there. All that remained was a >feeling that all was right with the world. Then He noticed something. CROW: Urd undressing in front of the mirror again. MIKE: CROW!!!! CROW: What! Skuld: Who wants to join me in smiteing? All: ME!!!!! >"I guess I should do something about it." He said to Himself. Kami-sama >reached forth and guided Akane's hands, making her dinner something that >not even Belldandy could top. TOM: Does God even have that amount of power? Nene: Of course He does, He's God. >On the twelfth day of Christmas Washu gave to me, CROW: Tenchi was really tired after that! MIKE: Crow.... >12 samples taken, eleven >RetroThrash singers singing, ten Jurai Emperors a leaping, nine boomers >dancing, eight panty thieves a stealing, six hackers hacking, five Jusenkyo >springs! Four Knight Sabers, three goddess, two fiancées for Ranma, AND A >CABBIT STUCK IN A PINE TREE!!!!!! TOM: And we have the end!!! ALL: YAH!!!!! >Authors notes.......... ALL: D'oh! >I know, it isn't really finished, what happened to the gifts? Well that is >my gift to you dear reader, you decide what would be the perfect gift that >Ranma gave Akane, or Nene, Mackie. Happy Holidays from the Guide of the >training grounds of accursed springs, Jusenkyo. CROW: Well at least it was short. MIKE: Thank god for that. (All get up and leave the theatre). (Door Sequence) 1...2...3...4...5...6... "Now how are we going to stop Dr.Forrester this time," Mike asked, leaning on the desk with the lights and rubbing his chin. "I don't know? A miracle," Tom suggested. "Those only happen in real life," Crow was quick to point out. "Well at least I'm suggesting something!" Tom bit back. "Oh shut up Otaku!" Crow retorted. "Jerk!" "Dickweed!" "Idiot!" "Unmade pile of scrap!" "Hey guys settle down. The Mads are calling," Mike interupted the two, pushing the flashing yellow light. DEEP 13 "Ah! Hello my little guiena pigs! Did you think of anything to derail the final phase of my takeover of the world," Dr.Forrester asked. SATELITE OF LOVE All three shook their heads sadly. DEEP 13 "Well then, it is now time to unleash my evil upon the world! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Dr.Forrester is about to push the button that would release the antimatter from the rigged christmas garland and destroy the trees that they were on when he paused, finger poised above the button. "You know, with it being the Christmas season and all, I think I'll let you push this button Frank." Frank ran onscreen and jumped up and down with joy. "You will? You will? Oh thank you Clayton." "Merry Christmas Frank," Dr.Forrester said. Frank jumped up and down a few more time and then stabbed his finger towards the button. Up on the Satelite of Love, Mike and the bots stared in fixated horror as everything seemed to slow down to a crawl. But just as it was about to press the button down, Frank's finger slipped to the right and pressed down on another button. Dr.Forrester wide smile started to melt away as he listened to the sounds of the alarms. Still optimistic, he turned to Frank and calmly asked what button he had pressed. "This one," Frank said, pointing out the pressed button. The mad scientist stared in horror at the button marked "Deactivation of Antimatter in Garland." "You idiot," he started calmly. "What Clayton," Frank asked. "You imbecile! Twerp! Moron! How dare you push the wrong button!" SATELITE OF LOVE Mike and the bots relaxed as the scientist's anger increased. "See? I told you we needed a miracle and we got it," Tom said. "Sorry," Crow said. "No problem." "I guess we can relax for a while until next weeks expierement," Mike said. DEEP 13 Dr.Forrestor is now throttling T.V.'s Frank mercilessly when he heard Mike's comment. "Oh don't think I've forgotten about you Nelson! It's a Ratliff marathon for you next week!" SATELITE OF LOVE "Way to go Mike," Crow said. "Geez, how was I supposed to know that he would be that upset?" "At least we got a week before it starts," Tom said. "Yeah," Mike and Crow both said. DEEP 13 "Push the button Frank! Push the button Frank! One measly little job and you screw it up!" With that Dr. Forrester slammed Frank's face into the main button. BLIP! FWOOOSSSHHHH!!!! Nene: What was the point of that? Washu: I have no idea. ________________________________________________________________________ Well I hope that everyone liked this fan fic. I intend to do some more because, like the others who have MSTed, I find I have a real knack for putting in comments where they make people laugh the most. If anyone has any comments or compliments, please send e-mail to: xwing@perf.bc.ca Thanks again for reading this and LONG DIE OSCAR! JG: Just remember, you asked for it! The Jusenkyo Guide. Washu Nene Skuld