In the depths of space, the USS Brian Drummond patrols, looking for that which should not be. The crew, none of whom are owned by me, please don’t sue as I’m not making any money on this and it’s out of love of the characters, are enjoying a little down time. “Are you aware,” Rei was saying, “That someone recently MSTed one of your MSTs?” Bryan yawned, “Yeah. Pretty funny stuff. Relena was there with her date, and...” “DATE?!” Zechs yelled, leaping up from his seat and grabbing his gun belt, “Who is he? Where can I find him? Tell me the cretin’s name, and surely he will die by my hand!” “Take a chill pill, Zechs,” Bryan said, “He’s a lot more stable than Heero was.” Vegeta came into the room with a bag of popcorn, “Hey, Zechs, did you know that some MSTer calling himself Turbo is banging your sister?” “That tears it!” Zechs began to march off to the shuttle bay. “He won’t get far,” Radical Edward appeared on the ceiling, hanging upside down from the pipes, “Ed took the thingy from big red robot that makes it go.” “How did she know we’d need to dismantle Epyon’s core?” Ryoko asked. “Probably didn’t,” Bryan sighed, “Ed, have you been building contraband mecha again?” “If Ed says ‘yes’, what does she get?” “WARNING. INCOMING FIC. WARNING. INCOMING FIC.” “She gets to sit in an MST,” Bryan sighed. “Ed didn’t know it was that bad!!!” Edward said, “Ed is sorry! Don’t make Ed MST any more naught lemons!” Ed curled up in a ball on the floor and began shaking. “Think she’s faking it?” Ryoko asked. “Probably, but if I make her MST it, and it turns out to be a lemon, the fan guild will flay me a new one,” Bryan said. Roll Call: Bryan: “Engaged and loving it.” Ryoko: “Engaged and loving it.” Bryan(whispering to Ryoko): You are not! Zechs: “If he lays a hand on Relena, he’s going to be staring down the barrel of a beam cannon.” Vegeta: “So...I’m the sane one this time out?” Rei: “Stan Lee is soooooooo dreamy.” Vegeta: “That tears it, I’m the sane one this time out.” I don't own these characters or profit from them. Bryan: Where have we seen these inadequate disclaimers before? Vegeta: Like you have room to talk. Heroes vs. Villains By, Clayton Overstreet Vegeta: HIM? AGAIN? Bryan: We may end up having to hit more Overstreet fics than Suzuki ones... Rei: >shudder< The banner Bryan: “Doctor David Banner, physician, scientist...” Ryoko: Not that Banner, twit. above the entrance reads 'Cartoon Superhero and Villain Debate'. Zechs: Don’t those usually evolve into city-wide melees? Vegeta: Try planet-wide in my case. I walk in and take my place at the podium as cartoon characters and people move into the auditorium. Bryan: This from the guy who got on my case about anime characters realizing they were anime characters? I nod to you, the reader, as you take your place behind Olive Oil from Popeye and next to The Professor from Power Puff Girls. Ryoko: Why in God’s name would I want to sit there? Vegeta: What, are you kidding? Next to them, you’d look like the most normal person in the room. Finally all of the seats are full and I begin the discussion. On my left are the villains and my right are the heroes. Bryan: (Singing): “They say a hero will save us. I’m not gonna stand here and wait.” Ryoko: (covering ears): Do that again, and I will have to make Glyph a widow. Bryan: We’re not married yet. Zechs: Don’t bother Ryoko with trifles. Just stop singing. Clayton: Welcome to the debate. I am the host Clayton Overstreet. Bryan(Clayton as Troy McClure): You might recognize me from such fan fiction as “Negotiations with a fan fic Writer.” and “Sequel to Negotiations with a Fan Fic Writer.” I took a break from my fan fics and MSTs All: HURRAY! to be here to moderate the discussion. All: BOO! You may ask any questions you wish starting now. Bryan: Why are we here? Vegeta: Who wrote the book of love? Ryoko: What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Zechs: Who’s been sleeping in my bed? Vegeta: Shouldn’t you be asking who’s been sleeping in Relena’s bed? Ryoko: I disagree. I think he ought to ask whose bed Relena’s been sleeping in. This week. Rei: Who am I? Who are you? Who am I? Zechs: If you two don’t stop it right now... Bryan: Who is Cartman’s father? Vegeta: What are you gonna do about it, mecha jockey? Zechs: Don’t test me, Monkey. Bryan: Vegeta, Ryoko, chill! Or I will make you sit through an entire season of Cardcaptors. WB version. A dweeb in the audience raises his hand. Ryoko: Bryan, put your hand down. Bryan: My hand is down. It’s...It’s...FANBOY!!! Dweeb: Why don't the heroes ever completely kill the bad guys? Vegeta: I DO! Bryan: He said hero, not anti-hero! Clayton: Excellent question. First we'll hear from the heroes and then the villains can give their opinion. Vegeta: I do kill them! MST Vegeta: See. Goku: Well I find that almost all the bad guys I run into will join your side if given the chance. Bryan: He has a point. Yamcha, Piccolo, Black Cat, the Thunderbolts. They’re all villains who went straight. Ryoko: You mean they were gay before? Bryan: Actually, I have a funny story behind that. During the brief time that the Overpower card game was popular, there was a card called “Unlucky at Love, Black Cat spurns your advances. Hero is minus two to defense for remainder of battle.” To save my bacon, I’d pull that card in a fight. And I’d usually, for kicks, play it against female characters. Zechs: I’m sure Felicia Hardy enjoys you sharing this with the whole world, too. Sailor Moon: That happened once with us but he was killed right after. Bryan: GET OFF THE STAGE! Vegeta: Hey, is Mercury here? Ryoko: Hentai. Superman: I personally think killing is only as a last resort. Zechs: Has Superman ever killed? Bryan: Two occasions that I can think of. Once, when he had to take out three Krytonian criminals who’d wiped out an alternate Earth, and when he had to fight that Doomsday creature. But yeah, for the record, it was always the last resort. Cell: (Bangs a fist on the table) Bullshit! The second you spandex wearing losers come up against an alien or monster, you kill them without a second thought! Bryan: Usually, the aliens or monsters aren’t sentient when they’re killed outright. They’re usually animals, like the Brood or the Aliens. The Skrull, Kree, and others sentient races are usually spared the killing. Clayton: While he is out of order he has a point. Bryan: But I just counterpointed his point. Spiderman: Look the spandex is aerodynamic... Vegeta: SPIDEY ROCKS! Bryan: Of all the heroes I know, I always thought he had the coolest powers. That sticking to walls thing, the spider-sense, and, of course, his spider-strength. Plus...YOU CAN’T KILL HIM BY LOCKING HIM IN A ROOM WITH A LITTLE GREEN ROCK! Clayton: No I mean about the aliens and monsters. I have seen almost all of you kill of one species or another. Zechs: Probably as a last resort, like Superman said. Bryan: I don’t think I’ve ever seen Spidey kill anyone. I mean, he didn’t kill the Green Goblin. He didn’t kill Doctor Octopus. He didn’t kill the Scorpion. He didn’t kill the Rhino. He didn’t even kill Venom or Carnage. If his foes do die, it’s usually by their own hands or accidents of their own creation. Vegeta: I’m sure some fanboy will find an instance where you’re wrong and post it. All the heroes: (cough and look around quietly) Venom: Well I think another problem they have with us is that they all hang around with morons. I mean how hard is this? (His face turns from a black monster to Clark Kent's) Clark Kent (The glasses vanish) Superman Bryan: Actually, it’s not a matter of stupidity. People don’t recognize me without my glasses, either. Comb your hair a bit differently, or shave, or lose the glasses, and you can look like an entirely different person. From somewhere to the left Lois Lane stands up and glares at Superman. Lois: What the fuck?!? Rei (as Lois): You mean to tell me all this time that I’ve been married to a man who revealed his secret identity years ago when he proposed to me, and I still didn’t realize? Vegeta: To be fair, this might be cartoon Lois, who never was told. Superman: Lois I can explain! (Glares at Batman as he chuckles) Watch it Bruce. Vegeta: Now, cartoon Lois does know that Bruce is Batman. The World’s Finest. Bryan: Now THAT was a great comic film. Clayton: Explain later. Stick to the topic. Sailor Mars: Well you have to admit most of the time in these costumes people don't stare at our faces. Vegeta: Those are costumes? I thought they were school uniforms gone horribly awry. Bryan: Ryoko is right. Hentai. Zechs: Amen. Vegeta: I don’t have to take that from a guy who banged a fifteen year old. Zechs: I DID NOT! He-Man: And we aren't the only ones. Bryan: He-Man? Where have you been all these years? Cat Woman: Oh please. Most of us at least have masks and we get found out at least by the time we make our fifth appearance. Bryan: That’s usually because the hero busts you by then, duh! Vegeta: And then, some of us cosmic players don’t NEED secret identities. Me, Thanos, Silver Surfer, Darkseid, Freeza. Skeletor: If you Earth heroes were serious you'd abandon those silly secret identities and testify in court. Zechs: They probably would, if they wanted to endanger their families and put their friends at risk. Look what happened to poor Spider-Man. The Green Goblin learned who he was, and bang, Gwen Stacy, the most innocent girl in Marvel Comics, is tossed off a bridge. And Daredevil.. When Mysterio learned who he was, he had Bullseye kill Karen Page and a whole bunch of nuns in the church his Mom worked in. Bryan: Yeah, in an arc written by Kevin Smith himself. Vegeta: Great going. You got him on Kevin Smith again. Bryan: You know, he’s writing a Black Cat series, too. Kingpin: (Laughs.) They can't. As vigilantes they would be instantly guilty of several felonies. Zechs: Now if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black. Wonder Woman: I am not subject to man's law. Rei: No, but as a divine entity, you do answer to me. So stifle it, Wondy. Mojo Jojo: Stop giving them ideas, for if they were to go to the police many villains would be arrested so that they could no longer commit acts of villainy and thus would be locked away or otherwise imprisoned in some way... Zechs: Not likely, Mojo. If they operated within the bounds of the law, then their super powers would mean nothing. They would still be constrained to the same legal technicalities, such as use of deadly force, no searches without a warrant, and can you imagine the sorts of civil fines Xavier would get slapped with if he were to just read someone’s mind and say, “Hey, this guy committed these crimes!”? Clayton: Next question! A girl in the back raises her hand. Clayton: Yes? Girl: Don't you think that it's a little weird how some of you get your powers and how you use them? Bryan: Hey, don’t go messin’ with the origin stories! True, being caught in the brunt of a gamma bomb would probably vaporize someone instead of imbuing them with incredible strength, but... Mighty Max: (Adjusts his centuries old magic baseball cap) What do you mean? Vegeta: Can I kill Mighty Max? Please? At least the owl he hangs with? Girl: Well like when you get your powers from jewels buried in caves nobody has ever been to before. Who drew the maps you followed to get there? Bryan: Map? I thought he fell in by accident. Juggernaut: Stan Lee Girl: Oh (Sits down.) Vegeta: That’s right, she sits down. Don’t mess with Stan. He’s a legend, man. Clayton: Yes, you in the corner? Huckleberry Hound: How much do ya'all cost every year in property damage? Bryan: Probably a lot less than if some of these people actually got to destroy the world, I’d imagine. Bit Cloud: (Groans.) Next question! He's just moping because Liger accidentally stepped on his car. Bryan: Bit isn’t a super-hero! He’s a competitor in an arena. Huckleberry: He rubbed his foot back and forth! Villains: (Chuckle.) Clayton: Please remember, that this isn't a forum for personal discussions. Professor Untonium: Are you sure that people without actual superpowers should be considered superheroes or villains? Bryan: Damn straight! Superman considers Batman a hero, and Supes’ opinion is good enough for me. Rei: Batman’s strength is that he IS a normal human. He has to work that much harder to defeat the bad guys. And he’s taken down some big league people, too. Batman: Well I was turned into a vampire once... Joker: (Fake cough.) Zorro rip-off. (Cough.) Beetlejuice: That guy has a point. (Crunches a beetle between his teeth.) I mean what's the point of letting people into the club just because they have a few toys? Roger Smith: Hey, if you fight super villains... Iron Man: Or other superheroes if necessary... Roger Smith: Then you have earned your place. Everyone in the audience cheers. Bryan: When did we hit Jerry Springer? Gizmo Duck: Thank you. Dexter: So have any of you guys read the Evil Overlord list on the Internet yet? Bryan: Oo! Oo! I have! I have! And I’m doing my best to follow all of the rules, too! All the heroes: (Make various cut off signals and grit their teeth.) Vegeta (snicker): Let ‘em read it. I let Cell power up before fighting him. No biggie. Lex Luthor: What is that? Clayton: A list of things for the bad guys to do. (Looks at Cell.) Like skipping the small talk if you plan to blow the planet up anyway. Vegeta: STOP GIVING HIM IDEAS! Green Lantern: Bryan: Which one? There have been like...dozens. Are we talking Guy Gardener? Or perhaps Kyle Rayner? Or maybe, just maybe, the real green lantern, the man who deserved the ring, the first and truest, Hal Jordan. Hey! If they start that crap then we'll follow that hero list. You know the one about taking shots to the back and not having any problem about poisoning the bad guy. Bryan: But, doing that stuff gets you out of the super-hero classification anyway. Vegeta: Oh, please, here comes the speech. Rei: What speech? Vegeta: The speech the hero gives right when it looks like he’s going to kill the villain, the one where he throws his weapon down or relaxes his fist and says “NO! If I kill him/her, then I’d be no better than he/she is.” Bryan: You have a problem with morals and ethics? Vegeta: Only when they’re stupid. Bryan: You read alot of Punisher as a kid, didn’t you? Space Ghost: I already do that Bizzaro Santa: I say we just get down to the business of killing the tooth fairy... Zim: Forget the rest of you! I will conquer you squirming humans in the name of the mighty Urkan home world! Vegeta: Hey Zim, I already destroyed the Urkan Empire. It wasn’t even a challenge. Clayton: Next question. Zorak: (In a big fake moustache, hat, and sun glasses) In your own words what are all of your weaknesses and how best would someone be able to kill you and take over your evil empires? Bryan: Like anyone is going to fall for that bit. Clayton: (Prepares to take notes and grins when he sees you doing the same.) Mihoshi: Well you could take over my evil empire by... Kiyone: (Slaps a hand over her mouth.) Zechs: She has an evil empire? Bryan: It’s always the quiet ones. Rei: AHEM! Bryan: You did wipe out a world, Rei. Ryoko: Hey, I took down Jurai once. Bryan: Okay, so sometimes it’s the noisy ones, too. Heroes and Villains: (Get up and blast Zorak with everything they've got.) Clayton: Next. Sasami: Who has the best sword? Vegeta: Clayton, don’t think we’re fooled for an instant about the phallic subtext behind that question. Ryoko: Shame on you, having Sasami ask that. Tenchi: Well I can control spaceships with one of mine and the other can cut through them... Thundar: (Holds up his lightning sword) My might blade is made of lightning... Liono: My sword has all sorts of magical powers. He-Man: Same here. Skeletor: Ditto Bryan: Actually, I have to state, for the record, that the greatest sword of all time is Excalibur, and it’s at rest with its owner. Dark Schneider: Mine killed itself to protect me. Twilight Suzuka: Mine are made of wood and can cut through buildings. Bryan: Sadly, Kuno can make the same claim. Others: >Shudder< Sarah Pezzini: Mine can rewind time. Bryan: YOUR SHOW SUCKS! Captain Caveman: Screw swords! Me have magic club! It is at this point a fight breaks out and it is necessary to evacuate the surrounding area. The villains take the chance to try to steal a few of the weapons while the heroes are stuck trying to stop them and the fights. Clayton: See you next year. The End Bryan: That was a pointless debate. Nothing got solved at all. Zechs: Just like a politician. Ryoko: So...can we eat now. I thought this would be fun. Email me at clayton_n@hotmail.com or meet me at the Anime Debate room at http://mercury.beseen.com/chat /rooms/g/16807 Bryan: It’s over. We can eat now. Ryoko: Great. I’m starved. Zechs: What do we want, though? Vegeta: I want something warm and juicy. He, Zechs, what was your sister’s phone number again? Zechs: You are going to wake up one day and find out that I poisoned your dinner. Bryan: Will all of you just shut up!?