The USS Brian Drummond soared through the eternal night of space, on a mission of mockery that many had thought was over. Since the announcement of their engagement, few had seen or heard from Captains Bryan Weber and Glyph Bellchime. But while planning for the upcoming nuptials might have slowed the work of the two MSTers, it had not stopped them in their tracks. Zod, the Drummond’s computer, alerted the crew, none of whom are owned by me, and are being used without permission, please don’t sue as I’m not making any money on this and it’s out of fun and love of the characters, to the presence of a new lemon in the area. Vegeta: Great. Just great. And where’s our illustrious leader at the moment? Off planning for the wedding again? Ryoko: Actually, he got a bit of free time, and said he was going to take a little R&R at an Earth resort. Zechs and Ed went with him. Vegeta: Good. That barefooted pest was getting on my nerves. Rei: Look who’s talking. Vegeta: Well, open the gate and get him back here. We’re not MSTing this garbage by ourselves. On the other side of the dimensional gate: Zechs:(holding pistol) I thought you said Silent Hill was a great vacation spot! Bryan: (holding a board with a nail in it) It WAS! Then everything sort of went to Hell. Edward: (holding a katana) Literally. Ed, Bryan, and Zechs are standing in a back to back circle, watching as hordes of strange, hairless dogs, skinned pterodactyls, demon children, dead nurses, and faceless monsters in with their arms bound to their bodies lumbered forward out of an ominous mist while a siren sounded in the gloom. Then a large manlike creature with a black pyramid for a head and a massive sword that it dragged along the ground came forward out of the fog. Bryan: Um...Zechs? Ed? Zechs: Yeah? Bryan: RUN! Just then, the gate opens, and Vegeta steps out. Vegeta: ALRIGHT. Get back to the ship. You’ve got work to do. Enough playing around. Bryan: Do we look like we’re playing?! Vegeta takes a look around. Vegeta: Oh, are we in Hell? Bryan: You could say that. Vegeta: I’ve been here before. Hang on. Vegeta goes Super Saiya-jin and blasts all of the monsters to dust. Vegeta: Why didn’t you use my power to do that? Bryan: I tried. My equipment doesn’t work in this place. Vegeta: You can thank me by MSTing this new lemon. Roll call: Bryan: “The leader of the pack.” Zechs: “Lord what fools these mortals be.” Vegeta: “They call me the Blue Thunder of Furinken High!” Ryoko: “Tea is good for you.” Radical Edward: “If this is a Sasami lemon, Edward would prefer Silent Hill.” And the ship’s pilot and morale officer, Rei Ayanami: “You’d all be better off in Silent Hill.” I am a fan of the Tenchi Muyo series. I do not own any of the characters. I write only for fun. This is a dark fan fiction. Bryan: Dark fics are fun?! Edward: Oxymoron. Vegeta: If you’re describing Bryan, take off the oxy. Please stop reading if you don't like gory and/or if you're under 18 years old. Ryoko: That sentence barely made sense. Bryan: Gory is an adjective, so it is not used properly with the “And/or” device unless followed by another adjective. Tenchi's Insanity Series Bryan: Tenchi went insane? Vegeta: With all those women in the house? Who wouldn’t? Bryan: Is this more of your rant against feminine hygiene products? Chapter 4: Irony Thy Name Is Tenchi Bryan: Chapter 4? We have been gone awhile, haven’t we? Vegeta: You wanted to plan a wedding. Bryan: Well, yeah! I mean, I did propose to Glyph, didn’t I? Ryoko: Rub it in, jerk. At the Masaki shrine, Tenchi was playing with the mini coffin with Ryo- Ohki in it. Vegeta: He finally flipped his lid and offed the cabbit, huh? Zechs: Must’ve had to plant one carrot too many. Ryoko: Like Washu couldn’t fix it in a second. He was proud of himself but it wasn't enough. "This is too easy," Tenchi said to himself. "I want some action with the kills. Vegeta: I can understand that. Bryan: Stop encouraging these people! That death wasn't special. Nor was it that fun," Vegeta: If the cabbit went spaceship mode on him, I’d imagine not. Zechs: If Ryo-Ohki had gone spaceship mode on Tenchi, I doubt he would have won. Tenchi looked at the girls' house. Bryan: The girls have their own house? Edward: Over the river and through the woods, to Ayeka’s house we go... "I think the other kills will be better," Tenchi said. "Much better indeed." Zechs: Is he planning to kill the women of Masaki Shrine? Ryoko: I believe that’s what the author, I use the term loosely by the way, is trying to get at, yes. At the girls' house, the girls were taking a bath before going to bed. Ryoko: We’d use the Onsen for that, thank you very much. The girls were thinking how good it'd be tomorrow. Tenchi will choose his first girl. All: SNORT>>TITTER<< GUFFAW Ryoko(wiping tears from her eyes and laughing): Tenchi? Choose? C’mon, even I’m not that gullible! But the question on all of their minds was who would it be. Ryoko: I know who it damn well better be if a certain crown prince wants to keep hold of his balls. Vegeta: You mean he has a pair? >Ryoko draws her sword< Ryoko: Say it again, and I’ll cut off what passes for your wiener. Vegeta: Whoa! Gonna go Lorena Bobbitt on us, toots? Ryoko: TOOTS?! Bryan: I’m hiding now, thanks. They were in different places and cleaning up. Sasami was mostly soaking but and was Bryan: But and And do not go together, idiot. Ryoko: Listen to Mr. English professor over here. Bryan: Stow it, pirate, or I’ll make you watch “When Goddesses Attack” next. daydreaming. She was dreaming about how Tenchi will treat her. Vegeta: Well, on a normal day, he’d have her cook and clean and do all the things females are good for. Bryan: Vegeta, would you stand a bit more over to the left when you say that? I don’t want to be too close when Alanis Morissette and Alan Rickman show up to fry your butt. Zechs: You are such a Kevin Smith junkie. Bryan: Are you kidding? Except for all that stuff about a Caitlin Bree and a Veronica, Dante Hicks and I had the same life! After all, this will be the first for them both. "Tenchi, my Tenchi. Soon you'll pick me and you'll be mine for good." Sasami said. Bryan: No. Only until he gets busted and sent to prison. As she daydreamed, she started to feel a little horny. But she wanted to wait for Tenchi. Ryoko: You’ll be waiting awhile, kid. He’s mine, I tell you. Ayeka was in the bath next to her. She too was thinking about Tenchi. Ryoko: And how he and I would make a good couple. "Why do the others think they have a chance?" Ayeka said to herself. Ryoko: (as Ayeka): Everyone knows Ryoko will win in the end. Bryan: Stop that. "I know Lord Tenchi will pick me to be his first. I know I'll to quote the farce, "Rock his world"." Vegeta(with a pair of reading glasses and a dictionary): To quote Webster’s, a farce is “somthing absurd or ridiculous.” “an exaggerated comedy based on broadly humorous, highly unlikely events.” Zechs: The proper phrase would have been, “To quote the vernacular.” Bryan: And that’s why, kiddies, you shouldn’t use vocabulary words when you don’t know what you’re doing. Edward: So, is Ayeka saying it would be funny and unlikely if she screwed Tenchi? Ryoko: Well, that would be an accurate assessment of the situation, if you ask me. Vegeta: No one did. She was thinking and playing with her right tit Zechs: As opposed to her wrong tit. Bryan: Noin WILL slap you, you know. Zechs(grinning) How do you know I won’t like it? Others: Too much info... as she thought of it. Mihoshi was thinking about Tenchi and was drinking madly. She was through five or six bottles already. "Tenchi is mine," Mihoshi said. "I have the jugs. I have the ass. I have the sex impel Bryan: Is that an error, or do we have to make allowances for the fact that Mihoshi is supposed to be drunk? Zechs: Since when did you make allowances? Ryoko: I know when. Vegeta: Me too. You’ve really mellowed since meeting Glyph, man. Bryan: It’s hard to be bitter when you’ve got someone so sweet in your life. Ryoko: I can go with that. that men want. But more of all, I have. I have," Mihoshi took another drink. "I have one hell of a hangover." Bryan: OK, I will call this one. You can’t be hung over until the booze wears off. Vegeta: Personal experience? Bryan: I gave up drinking on my twenty-first birthday after my first one knocked me out. Zechs: So how do you know about hangovers? Bryan: What I don’t pick up from cop shows, my co-workers tell me. Kiyone was thinking of Tenchi and was mumbling to herself. "Ever since I meet Mihoshi. My live was a living hell," Kiyone said. Zechs: If Mihoshi is drinking, why does Kiyone sound drunk? Bryan: You got me. "Once I'm with Tenchi. I'll dump Mihoshi in a nano-second. Lets see that slut ruin that." Bryan: Hang on. I’ve got to call Washu and get the odds on that. >Dials phone< Bryan: Uh huh. Uh huh. Right. And the probability? I see. Thanks. >Click< Others: Well? Bryan: If it can be screwed up, Washu says Mihoshi’s the gal to do it. Washu was in the bath letting Mini Washu A & B to do all the work. Ryoko: Ewwww. Bryan: That’s just nasty. She was getting ready for when Tenchi picks her. "Tenchi will be mine." Washu said. "Too true." Mini Washu A said. "He's all yours." Mini Washu B said. "Then he'll choose we to be him," Zechs: Guys, Washu is referring to herself in the plural again! Vegeta (cringing): I’m scared... Washu said. "Then I'll have a human test subject for as long as he lives. Which may or may not be that long." Bryan: That would certainly be ironic. Ryoko was thinking of Tenchi and the others. She was a wild woman with weird ideas. Ryoko: Not THAT wild. The others would NOT be in my fantasies, thanks. "Tenchi is a simple boy with no experience of sex," Ryoko said. Ryoko: One word from any of you, and you all die. Got it? "I would love to teach him everything I know. And more. Much more." Bryan: Question. How do you teach someone more than you know? Ryoko: Don’t ask Washu that question. She might try to give you an answer. Ryoko decided to play out a seen. Bryan: I can’t watch, then. Voyeurism isn’t my “scene”. She floated out and formed a second of her. Vegeta: Howcome you never do that when you and I...? Ryoko: SHUT UP! I told you to keep a lid on that. Edward: Oh La La. "Tenchi, I knew you pick me." Ryoko 1 said. Bryan: They must’ve dragged poor Shampoo in here again to play your double, Ryoko. Ryoko: She’s the only one I know who’s got a big enough rack to play the part. "Of course, my sexy Ryoko," Ryoko 2 said. "You are the most beautiful woman I have seen." Bryan: >cough< Bullshit. >cough< Bullshit. Ryoko: You wanna die? Bryan: No. Big plans to wed, remember? Ryoko: Damn. And Glyph would probably be none too happy with me if I killed you. Bryan: Snugglemuffin is very protective of me. "You mean it, Tenchi love?" Ryoko 1 said. "With all my heart and soul." Ryoko 2 said. "Oh Tenchi." Ryoko 1 said. "Oh Ryoko." Ryoko 2 said. Vegeta: Actually, that sounds like you and Glyph. Bryan: Stifle it, rat. The two Ryokos moved close to each other and kissed deeply. They started to French each other lovingly. Ryoko: I do NOT NOT NOT screw my duplicate! Bryan: That brings up an interesting question. Would screwing a duplicate of yourself be considered homosexuality or masturbation? Ryoko: Oh, definitely mas...>Blushes< NOW YOU STOP THAT! Vegeta: >grin< Something to tell us, Ryoko? As they broke, Ryoko 2 disappeared. "Tenchi, you are mine." Ryoko said. The next day came and the girls were preparing for Tenchi. Sasami made one of her best breakfasts. Ayeka was wearing her komodo. Edward: Ayeka was wearing a lizard with razor sharp teeth and claws? Ed is confused. Ryoko was wearing something revealing. Mihoshi was a little for Tenchi. Bryan: A little what? Kiyone just waited. Washu was looking around. "What are you looking for?" Ayeka said. "Ryo-Ohki. I haven't seen her since yesterday." Washu said. "She's probable in the garden." Sasami said. Bryan: Probable? Is that an error, or Spanish? Zechs: An error. How many fan fics do you know that incorporate Spanish? "I was there. But," Mihoshi said. "I haven't seen her." "She'll pop up when she hungry." Ryoko said. Bryan: Shampoo, get another line of work, will ya? "I hope so." Mihoshi said. Bryan: Sasami should be the one concerned. A few minutes of waiting, Tenchi finally appeared. "Hello?" Tenchi said. "Anyone here?" The girls ran down to greet him. "Tenchi, I'm glad to see you." Sasami said happily. "I'm glad to see all of you." Tenchi said. 'You one last time.' Zechs: Why did he say “you” twice? "So," Washu said. "Who did you pick?" "It was a hard choice," Tenchi said. "But I pick to be my first." The girls listened in closely. "Sasami." Tenchi said. Vegeta: What, is she like a pokemon to him or something. Ryoko: Sasami, I choose you! Bryan: Sasami! Bash in the head with wand attack, now! Edward: You’re all being mean. Zechs: No, we’re trying to ward off the pain of upcoming Sasami/Tenchi sex. Edward: Ewwwww. Yuck. Everyone but Sasami was shocked. Sasami was very happy. "Excuse me, Lord Tenchi," Ayeka said. "But why my little sister? Wouldn't I be a better choice?" Ryoko: This is one time where I’d be inclined to agree. Bryan: This gets worse, guys. Remember, Tenchi is looking for a kill, here. Vegeta: Oh, I feel a Jeff Special coming on. "I know but she's the first I chose." Tenchi said. Ayeka felt a little better but still mad. Bryan: Well, he wants to screw her kid sister. I can’t imagine WHAT she might be angry about. "Who's after her?" Washu said. "You'll see," Tenchi said. "Come Sasami." Bryan: Ok, now here’s something I know without having to check. You do not tell a woman to “come” like some sort of dog. Not if you want to keep your balls, that is. "Coming." Sasami said. They walked off to the main room. The other girls were jealous. "Great. That runt gets to spoil Tenchi before any of us." Ryoko said. "Well they're both virgins." Kiyone said. Bryan: With the exception of Washu, isn’t everyone else in the room? Zechs: Well, only if you discount the Mihoshi/Kiyone rumors. Vegeta: C’mon! Even if you discount the rumors, Kiyone is in her twenties. Surely she had at least one boyfriend during her academy days. "I'm hungry. I'm going to finish the meal." Mihoshi said. Everyone gave her a dirty and surprised look. As they started to leave, Tenchi walked back in. "I have something to say," Tenchi said. The other girls looked. "Before Sasami goes into the third home. Where I've already had fucked. Bryan: That sounds like a line from “Berserker.” Vegeta: Get off that damn Kevin Smith film already! Sasami will make her best meal of her life." Tenchi said. At the Masaki house, Sasami was sitting on a chair waiting for Tenchi. Tenchi was getting ready for Sasami. He wanted to be prepared. At the front of the house, he peaked Vegeta: If only I could believe that that “peak” was his premature ejaculation and not a misspelling. Bryan: Courage, Vegeta. We’re all here. into the window at Sasami. "Sasami, you are so small," Tenchi said. "But in this family, you are the most important of all." Vegeta: Well, who else would supply the slave labor? Before he entered, he took a drink of the Virginity Regain. Bryan: Virginity Regain? Ryoko: Must have something to do with the other chapters we never saw. Zechs: I don’t think we want to know. It was a little but it did its job. "Time to do it." Tenchi said. He entered the house and start to Sasami. Zechs: Started to what? Take her temperature? Sasami was speechless with joy. Ever since she met Tenchi, she wanted to do him. Ryoko: Her? Get real. Sasami isn’t some nymphomaniac. Vegeta: Not like someone we could mention, huh Ryoko? Ryoko: You will die after this is over. Vegeta: As bad as it is, I don’t doubt it. "Tenchi. You're here." Sasami said. "Where would you want me?" Tenchi joked. Sasami laughed. "So what do you want to try?" Sasami said. Bryan: (as Tenchi) Being realistic. Let’s try that. "Aren't you going too fast?" Tenchi said. Edward(as Sasami): Maybe you’re right. Let’s wait ‘til I’m all growed up! "We should take it one step at a time." "Oh alright." Sasami said. Tenchi smiled. They made Sasami very calm. "Let's start with a simple kiss." Tenchi said. "Okay. But I know how to kiss." Sasami said. "Do you know how to on the lips?" Tenchi asked. That threw off Sasami. "I've never kissed that way before," Sasami said. "Sounds kind of gross." Ryoko: That from a girl who insists on reading every shoujo manga on the market? "It's the more mature way of kissing." Tenchi explained. "Oh." Sasami said. "I guess I'll try it." Tenchi and Sasami moved in slowly. Tenchi had to kneel because Sasami was a little girl. Bryan: He could try not doing it at all for that reason, you know. Zechs: Where is Tsunami? Yet another bad situation where the goddess proves useless. They moved in close and kiss on the lips. The kiss lasted for a few moments before they broke. "That was kind of new." Sasami said. "You're about to feel a lot of new things." Tenchi said. Vegeta: Hopefully, rejection is one of them. Ryoko: Oh, how I wish we were that fortunate. "Is there anything else your going Bryan: That should be “you’re”, idiot of an author. to teach me?" Sasami asked. 'More then you can think.' Tenchi thought. "There is a few," Tenchi said. "After the normal kiss is the French kiss." "But we're not French." Sasami said. Bryan: That’s okay. I don’t think they invented it anyway. I’m pretty sure that kiss is older than France. Ryoko: I’m willing to bet it’s older than Mesopotamia. Tenchi laughed at Sasami's lack of adult terms. "It's like a kiss on the lips," Tenchi said. "But this time we open our mouths and wrap our tongues together." "That's real gross." Sasami said. Vegeta: It’s not so bad. Bryan: Right. Provided that a loving, MATURE couple is engaged in the act. All: Here here! "Well if you're going to say that about everything. I guess you cannot have sex." Tenchi warned. Bryan: What a splendid idea. No sex for Sasami until she’s eighteen! Ryoko: If her Pop had anything to do with it, that age would be alot higher. Bryan: That’s true of any average father. Sasami got worried fast. "I'm sorry. I'm new at this." Sasami said. Tenchi nodded. "It's okay," Tenchi said. "I'm still kind of new too. So how about the French kiss?" Sasami nodded. Tenchi was quicker this time. He kissed Sasami on the lips as she opened her mouth. Tenchi worked his tongue into Sasami's mouth and wrapped his tongue with hers. Sasami liked it, as did Tenchi. They slowly moved away sliding their tongue as they part. Sasami felt like throwing up. Bryan: Good for you, Sasami. Barf down his throat for touching an underage girl! Ryoko: I’ll second that. Tenchi felt that he should have bit her tongue off. Vegeta(as Hannibal Lecter): I ate her liver with some lima beans and a nice chilled Fresca. "I guess I'm prepared." Sasami said. "I'm still not sure," Tenchi said. "I have a few more tricks to teach you." Sasami was getting depress and mad. Ryoko: (As Sasami): It’s not bad enough that you’re planning on killing me! You have to treat me like a slut while you’re at it! "Fine. But it better not be another kiss." Sasami said. "In a way it is." Tenchi said. Tenchi got up and started to undo this pants. Bryan: A typo and a sick idea. Vegeta: Oh, yeah. You weren’t a big fan of that idea, as I recall. Bryan: I gave my reasons several MSTs ago. I’m not going into it again. Sasami was waiting for this. Tenchi dropped his shorts and slid his underwear down. His member went hard and straight. Sasami knew he was big. But it was almost bigger then she dreamed. Bryan: You mean, he actually beat out the toothpick. Vegeta: Like you can talk. Bryan: I ain’t whipping it out to have a measuring contest, but it’s enough to do what it has to do. "Go on. You can touch it." Tenchi said. Sasami looked at Tenchi with complete happiness. With a hand she softly placed her hand on the dick. Ryoko: As opposed to with a hand softly placing a foot on it. She had dreams of this but this Zechs: Nightmares, I’m sure. was better then the dreams. She rubbed his cock from his balls to the tip and back. As she jacked Tenchi off, Tenchi moaned quietly. Sasami heard it and stopped. So did Tenchi. "Why did you stop?" Tenchi asked. "You were moaning." Sasami said. Tenchi should have known. She may be old in years. But in form and mind she is only a child. Bryan: Dennis Miller offered advice on this subject. It was good advice. Take it. Ryoko: What was it again. Vegeta: To shoot yourself. "I sorry," Tenchi said. "You really don't have to through with this." Vegeta: Shouldn’t that be “go through with this” ? Bryan: The “go” probably saw what was coming and left. "But I do. I just need some help." Sasami said. Tenchi smiled. "There are three more things I'm going to teach you," Tenchi said. "The beginning, the middle and the end." "Sounds scary." Sasami said. Bryan: Especially if you saw Apocalypse Now. "Don't worry," Tenchi said. "I promise it'll be good," Sasami nodded. "For the beginning," Tenchi said. "We'll start with a blowjob." Bryan: >sigh< Why is that the preferred method for Sasami Lemons? "How do we do that?" Sasami asked. "It's engulfing my cock and suck and blow." Tenchi said. Sasami barely understood. She faced Tenchi's manhood and placed her hands on it. She gave it a few strokes before she decided to lick it. She licked the shaft down to the base then to the tip. She then put it in her mouth and started to suck. Tenchi moaned as she sucked. He grabbed the back of Sasami's head and forced her to deep throat his cock. Sasami was shocked but tried not to stop. She continued to suck until Tenchi released her. Her face was almost as blue as her hair. Tenchi secretly liked that. Bryan: Oh god...here comes the vomit... Ryoko: That...that was almost exactly like Kanashii no Imi... Zechs: SPEEEEEEWWWWWW!!! Edward: 0_o Vegeta: And people call ME evil. "Time for the middle," Tenchi said. "And this time it has nothing to do with your mouth." Tenchi said. "Oh thank goodness." Sasami said gasping for air. "Time for what you've been waiting for," Tenchi said. "Good old sex." Bryan: I find it best to wait until you’re married. Vegeta: (sarcastically) You’re a pillar of morals and virtue for us all. Sasami was very happy now. Tenchi took off the rest of his clothes and stood naked in front of Sasami. "Wow." Sasami said. "Okay. Your turn." Tenchi said. Sasami didn't know what to say. But she knew to have sex. You need to be naked. Bryan: Three fragmens that make a very awful sentence. She turned around and undid her komodo. Edward: People are wearing alot of lizards. Bryan: The gown is called a “kimono” You stupid stupid writer! Jeez. If you can’t even research that much before you write, don’t bother, please! She was wearing an undershirt and panties. She quickly took them off and faced Tenchi. She was a little embarrassed. Out of all the girls Tenchi knows. She is the least built. But despite that, Tenchi found her sexy. Bryan: And what is your obsession with sentence fragments? Vegeta: If sentence fragments were the least of this writer’s crimes. Ryoko: No. Bad taste definitely is on the list. "So are you ready?" Tenchi asked. "I think so." Sasami said. "Good." Tenchi said. Sasami didn't know what to do. But Tenchi was about to show her. Taking a hold of Sasami's small tits, All: SHE DOESN’T *HAVE* ANY!!! he glided her to a doggy pose. "Believe it or not," Tenchi said. "I've always wanted to do it doggy style." Before Sasami could answer, Tenchi rammed his rod into Sasami's cult. Bryan: Sasami has a cult? I mean, I knew she had a fan following, but a cult? Vegeta: I think he means clit. Ryoko: Shows what he knows about a woman’s body. The clit is a small hard knob, not an opening. You can’t put anything IN it. Sasami was surprised at first Bryan: To say nothing of in incredible pain. I mean, she is a kid, right? She can’t possibly accommodate Tenchi’s...y’know...him being so much larger than her and all. Vegeta: Well, he is hung like a grain of rice. Ryoko: If he weren’t violating a child right now, I’d defend him... but soon learned to love it. All: BULLSHIT! Tenchi humped her slowly at first then picked up speed. Sasami was moaning with each hump. She felt wave after wave of pure bliss. Tenchi moved his hand to Sasami's tits to get and better hold. He humped faster and harder by the moment. Sasami oragsmed Ryoko: Shouldn’t that be orgasmed? Bryan: Nope. That’s not proper grammar. Orgasm is a noun, not a verb. Climaxed is the proper term. Vegeta: She’s faking it! loudly with her moans. Soon the waves of bliss turned to waves of pain. "Tenchi. slow down. it hurts." Sasami said. Tenchi didn't stop. He humped harder and faster until he climaxed. Bryan: What is this, sci-fi? According to all the complaints I’ve ever heard, the guy usually climaxes first. Tenchi then let go. Sasami fell onto her face in pleasure and pain. She loved it and hated it. She passed out of a minute or so. And when she came too, Tenchi and the clothes were gone. Sasami got up and looked around. She wanted to go up stairs up it was blocked. Zechs: That made no sense. Vegeta: Like the rest of this did? "That's weird." Sasami said. Bryan: You’re telling us? She tried some other doors but they were all locked. There was only to doors she could try. Bryan: Shouldn’t that be “two”? And one of them Tenchi was. "I'm glad to see you up," Tenchi said. "Time for the end." "But you're dressed." Sasami said. "I know," Tenchi said. "This lesson is not of sex. But of life and death. Your death." Bryan: Typical psycho. No dialogue skills whatever. Vegeta: Tenchi, or the author. Bryan: Both. "You're kidding?" Sasami said. Tenchi took from behind him a hockey mask and a chainsaw. Zechs: What? Friday Chainsaw Massacre? Bryan: Nah! Nightmare on the 13th. Vegeta: You’re both wrong. It’s Texas The 13th Massacre Goes to Space. Ryoko: It’s shit. Pure shit. Edward. P.U. "What are you doing?" Sasami asked scared. "I'm giving you six minutes six seconds and six nanoseconds before I attack," Tenchi said. "Go now." Sasami's heart stopped. She panic and started to run to the only door that was not locked. Oddly enough, it was the kitchen. Bryan: Too bad the author gave us so much foreshadowing. Vegeta:Yeah. We saw this coming a mile away. Sasami rushed to the exit but it was locked. She then thought she had to hide. Bryan: Why doesn’t she try the phone? Or summon her Juraian power to generate force fields? Or call upon Tsunami? Zechs: Because those things would all make sense. She went to the cabinets but they were all stuck. 'Tenchi must have done this.' Sasami thought in a panic. Vegeta: Gee, you think? She looked around once more for a place to hide. The only place she didn't try was the last place anyone would look. The oven. Sasami didn't wonder way Ryoko: Wonder way? the oven was open. She just ran to it and closed the door. Lucky for her it wasn't an oven with a window. Tenchi entered a minute later. "Sasami, Sasami, where are you?" Tenchi said. He looked around. "Are you in the caber?" Bryan: Caber? Zechs: Cabinets, maybe? Tenchi said. "Nope. You're not here either." Sasami was getting worried. Tenchi was smart, but he knew that Sasami would never hide in the oven. Or did he? "My, oh my," Tenchi said. "The oven is unlocked. I better lock it." With a flip of the switch, the oven was locked. Tenchi looked at his watch and smiled. "Sasami, I know you're in the oven," Tenchi said. "You'll be pleased. This is an ironic moment," Ryoko: (as Sasami): I don’t like irony. Irony sucks. Sasami tried begging Tenchi to left her go. Bryan: It might be more effective if she asked him to let her go instead. But the oven muffled her voice. "You see. You're a great cook," Tenchi said. "And now. You're going to be cooked. You can see this will be your best and last meal you'll ever make." Zechs: Sure. Kill the only person in the house who knows how to cook. Brilliant idea. Then the others will starve to death or poison themselves with their own cooking. An ingenious way to rid yourself of unwanted alien women. Sasami tried begging and banning Edward: Someone should ban this author. but it fell into deaf ears. Tenchi started the gas. Sasami held her breath. She didn't want to die. Tenchi then turned on the fire. He made sure that Sasami wouldn't burn by coating her with a sauce to protect her and made her taste good. Bryan: Why didn’t she notice that before climbing into the over? It was getting hotter and hotter. Sasami tried not to touch was walls. Every time she did, she let out a squeal of pain. She felt her skin was cooking. Everything was cooking. She let out her breath and started to choke. To her, time passed slowly. But before she passed out for the final time, she had a happy let sad Bryan: What’s a happy let sad? Vegeta: Proof that just because SpellCheck works, you haven’t always got it right. thought. 'This is ironic,' she thought. 'I've cooked many meals. It's kind of good to go this way. I hope I taste good. I hope.' Bryan: I’m sure the lack of oxygen to her brain is what brought on THAT disturbing idea. Sasami fainted and minutes later, died. Hours later, at the girls house, Tenchi knocked on the front door. Ayeka opened the door for Tenchi. "Lord Tenchi, back so soon?" Ayeka said. Tenchi nodded. "Tell the others to go to the kitchen," Tenchi said. "Sasami's greatest meal is done." Ayeka nodded and rushed to the others. Moments later, the girls were at the dining room sitting around the table. "I wonder what Sasami made." Mihoshi said. Vegeta: A big mistake. "Knowing Sasami. It must be good." Kiyone said. With that Tenchi walked in with a cart. On the cart was a sliver pan. The smell alone was enough to make the girls' mouths water. "Ladies and. um. ladies," Tenchi said. "Sasami is proud to introduce. A roast in the shape of herself." Tenchi took off the lid and the other girls were shocked. "SASAMI?" Ayeka said. "Nah. It's only a roast in her likeness." Washu said. Bryan: Either Washu is in on it, or she’s suddenly lost her mind. Nobody could be that stupid. Not even Mihoshi. "Oh. It looks so real." Ayeka said. Tenchi almost laughed. "Well? Dig in." Tenchi said. "I'm not to sure," Ryoko: I’m not “too” sure that I want to see the rest of this... Ryoko said. "It looks too much like." Ryoko looked at the other girls as they took pieces of meat from the roast. "Oh. Fuck." Ryoko said. She too took some of the roast. So did Tenchi. Everyone eat the roast finding it to be very favorable. After a few minutes, the roast was gone and only bones reminded. Before the girls realized the bones were in the shape of Sasami, Bryan: No way do you not notice that. Vegeta: This guy obviously never saw Rocky Horror Picture Show. Tenchi quickly zapped the bones into the mini coffin. "That was the best meal I ever had." Ryoko said. "Sasami out did herself." Washu said. "Next time I see her I'll tell her that it was the greatest meal of my life." Ryoko said. "I know she'll be proud," Tenchi said. "Tomorrow I'll pick my next girl. Until then, good night." Tenchi left for the main house thinking how kills the other Bryan: Bad grammar and bad digestion. Vegeta: Can we kill the author now. Bryan: I wish. There’s a distinct policy against that, I’m afraid. Ryoko: I’d be afraid too. Of what sort of home life this guy has. and singing to himself. "Three girls down, one we all ate. Soon then all will share the same fate. Before they know, I'll be too late. Because the next girl is one I truly hate." Ryoko: Ayeka? Tenchi: On the next episode, I pick my next victim. But now the kills will be harder to do. Who'll be next? I'll give you a clue. It'll be either Ayeka or Ryoko. Who do I hate more? Find out. The next episode is: Tenchi's Most Hated. Bryan: I’m sure the author is on the list. This is 4 of 11 chapters. I may be gross but I like it. Thank you for reading. Bryan: We don’t feel all that inclined to thank you for writing. Ryoko: Quit before the sickness spreads. Zechs: Oh, my poor stomach. Vegeta: Sick pervert. Edward. Ed agrees with Pointy Head. Bryan: Ok, so that’s out of the way, there are two more points of business to discuss. First is the wedding. Glyph and I haven’t set a date yet, but we are looking at April of next year as a good candidate. Many of you sent congratulations and well wishing, and I tried to respond to everyone, but there got to be more than I could answer. So, if I didn’t respond personally to your e-mail, it wasn’t because I don’t appreciate it. It’s just that there was alot of support, and we’ve got alot of planning ahead of us. One person, however, did not wish us well. Chris Davies, whose work Union was MSTed by Glyph and I together, had this to say: I hope it ends in a marriage that is horrible, ending in a painful divorce that leaves both of you with severe emotional scars that ruin any and all future relationships you ever have. Chris Davies. (Holds grudges. Oh boy, do I hold grudges.) Let’s give him a big hand, ladies and gents. Well, Chris, while you may not like me, or Glyph, we bear you no ill will. May you do well in whatever you do with your life. Well that’s all for today, sports fans. Remember, just because you don’t hear from me for months, it doesn’t mean I’m gone. BW.