The USS Brian Drummond sweeps through the cosmos, intently searching of bad fics to mock. It's captain, Bryan Weber, sleeps lightly and dreams of a world where stupidity no longer exists. Sadly, that day is far off, if it is even coming. Bryan is woken from his vision by a beeping noise. A message displays itself on his Comm PADD. >From KsaWarrior to BryanWeber: In reguard to your question, I have no problems with you taking on the Dark One himself. When you do, give T.C. a message for me. Tell him I thought this work of his was an exercise in stupidity. Bryan grinned fiercely. Since the day he had begun MSTing, he had long waited for the opportunity to be deemed worthy enough to challenge the most perverted...and least grammatical...of all lemon writers. And now, he had the blessing of KsaWarrior, a man who had long ago called for exclusive MSTing privledges against this monster. None of the characters I will be using belong to me, and are the property of their respective owners. Please don't sue. I'm not making any money on this, and it's out of love for the characters. "Finally the day has come when I shall face the evil that is Tank Cop!" The crew gathered in the theater. Roll Call: Prince Vegeta: TANK COP! Ryoko: A red hot poker through the eyes would be less cruel, Bryan. Zechs Merquise: Not even the horrors of war can prepare a man for this. Bryan: Look, we're tough. We can handle it. And the ship's pilot: Rei Ayanami : REVENGE! And thus does our MST begin: Vegeta: If I'd known you were going to have us do a Tank Cop fic one day, I would have killed you. Bryan: Save it for after the fic. And then see if you maybe could direct those hostile tendencies somewhere else. This is one of my most oddest fics I have yet made, Bryan: Given what he's already written, this can't be a good thing. but I feel like doing it. So you the fans be my judge. Vegeta: Jury. Ryoko: And Executioners. Time Note: Zechs(Disclaimer voice): When you hear the tone, the time will be too late to get out of this fic. This takes place after Ryo-Ohki is blamed for breaking Yosho's statue, in the "Tenchi in Tokyo, Moon Mission" episode. Bryan: He's not going to have Ryo-Ohki and Ken-Ohki..... Vegeta: DON'T GIVE HIM IDEAS! Ryoko: This is Tank Cop we're dealing with, here! by Tank Cop Rei:(on Speakers): BOO! HISS! My Little Baby Cabbit --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ryo-Ohki runs from the Makia house in tears and cries as she runs into the deep forest. Bryan: Hey, this is DURING the "Moon Mission" Episode, not after! She jumps from log to log, from bush to bush, from tree to tree. Running farther and farther away from home. Vegeta: Running away is never the answer. Bryan(as t.v. commercial): Help is just a phone call away. You don't have to be alone. The poor Cabbit could hardly bare Ryoko: My ship had better NOT be bare. Bryan: Well, that's one glaring flaw already. Vegeta: What about the fact that it was written? Zechs: That's beyond our ability to quantify. the fact that she was hated by everyone. Bryan: There's someone who loves you, Ryo-Ohki. Vegeta: Considering who wrote this, that's an incredibly poor choice of words. She soon finds a small cave where she takes refuge in. Zechs(as Robert Stack): Never end a sentence in a prepostion! She then lies herself down, shacking Bryan: Ryoko, how does a cabbit shack? Ryoko: Ya got me. and cold as she cries herself to sleep. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- At the house the entire family, now aware of the mistake they made, goes looking for Ryo-Ohki. Bryan: As a lover of the English language, that sentence just hurt my head. "Ryo-Ohki where are you?" Sasami yells. Ryoko: WILL YOU PICK A FRIGGIN' TENSE AND STICK WITH IT YA SCHMUCK! "Ryo-Ohki, where sorry, Bryan: Where sorry? Zechs: Is that a spelling flaw or a philisophical question? Vegeta: It sounds like Shampoo speak to me. please come back." Aeka says. "Come on out Ryo-Ohki, its to late and cold to be playing games like this." Ryoko says. Ryoko: But it's not TOO late to fry a few lousy writers, now is it? The family looks for the lost Cabbit with no luck of finding her. Bryan: "No luck of finding." Sheesh! Tank Cop, you don't speak English as a first language, do you? Vegeta: Either that, or he's starting a preposition revoloution. Zechs: Either way, he encouraged that one French writer to continue with that one Sasami lemon. Ryoko: These people just encourage each other. Rei(on Speakers): I'd like to know where he got off writing about ME! Aeka holds her little sister tight in her arms as Sasami cries for her lost pet and friend. "Oh Ryo-Ohki where are you? Boo Hoo." Bryan(as director): NO NO NO! EMOTE, DAMNIT! Sasami said with tears in her eyes. "Come on Sasami, its late and getting very cold. We will look for Ryo-Ohki tomorrow, I promise." Ryoko(as Ayeka): Sure, it's gonna be freezing cold tonight, and She'll probably die of hypothermia, but we'll at least look for her in the morning. Now get some sleep. Aeka tells her sobbing sister. They all go back into the house and get some rest. So they can get up early to look for Ryo-Ohki. Zechs: Sentence fragments at twelve o' clock, Cap'n! Bryan: Each pathetic mistake makes my head pulse with utter misery. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ryo-Ohki wakes to up to find herself in a completely different place then she was yesterday. Zechs: That's so deep. Vegeta: Sounds more like Ryoko waking up after a night of binge drinking, if you ask me. Ryoko: >_< Nobody was! She yawned only to have something fall out of her mouth. Vegeta: Definitely sounds like Ryoko. Ryoko: Die, Saiya-jin scum! It was a pacifier! SHe Bryan: MIsPLaceD CapS arE DRIvinG Me CraZy!!! then felt something on her head, she then took it off to see that it was a bonnet! Vegeta: If only a truck could run over him as well as he could run-on sentences, the world would be a wonderful place. She then looked around and saw bars all around her. Ryoko(as convict): I gotta get outta here! The walls...they're closing in on me! She thought for a moment that she was in a cage. Bryan: We're all in the cages that we build around ourselves. Zechs: Very zen. Vegeta(as Freakazoid): Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! Never tell the villian how to trap you in a cage! Ryoko(as Gutierrez): You probably shouldn't have helped us build it, either. Vegeta(as Freakazoid): I know! Dumb! She then looked up to see there was no top to this cage. Then looking around again and released she was not in a cage, but a crib! Bryan: My homies and me are chillin' in my crib, too. Vegeta: Bryan, about the whole gansta image...it isn't you. Bryan: I know, but I had to do something with it. She took a closer look at her surroundings. Zechs: Washuu must've loaned her an electron microscope or something. She was in what appeared to be a little girl's room, Bryan: NO! Not Sammy's Little Secret all over again! Vegeta: What is it with this guy and little girls? Zechs: I don't know, but if he so much as looks at Relena cross-eyed, he and I are gonna have a talk. Ryoko: I just hope he's not like, a teacher or a counselor IRL. All: SHUDDER. there where stuffed animals Ryoko: Where were they? Zechs: Were they there? Bryan: And why are we here? , dolls, and little girl clothes all over the floor. Ryo-Ohki then stands up and decides to try and escape, but as she moves she hears a crunching sound and feels something in-between her waist. She looks down to see she is wearing a diaper! Bryan: They make them that small? Zechs: Wouldn't going spaceship mode solve this problem very easily? Vegeta: Logic? In a Tank Cop fic? Sheah, right. Ryo-Ohki blushes all over! Ryoko: But being covered by fur, noone could tell. She then moved to the side of the crib and tries to get out, but its to high. Bryan: Its too high, huh? That's a possessive, not a contraction, you TWIT! There's supposed to be an apostrophe! Ryoko: Knowing TC and his wonderful knowledge of femininity, sarcasm intended, he probably thinks an apostrophe is something a girl has once a month. Bryan: Will you PLEASE not joke about that!? You're gonna get ME in trouble. Ryo-Ohki tries to jump over, but the diaper she was wearing made jumming Vegeta: So maybe if she were "jumping" instead, it might have worked? very hard, and made her move slow, and unsteadly. Zechs: Is "unsteadly" a word? Bryan: KLUNK! Vegeta: Rei, beam in the smelling salts, would you? The lack of grammar finally got to him. Rei(on Speakers): Beaming now. The smelling salts appear above them. Vegeta grabs them and sticks them under Bryan's nose. Bryan: I'M UP. I'M UP! So Ryo-Ohki only managed to get to her paws to touch the top of the crib before falling down on her diapered butt! Vegeta: Bet she's glad for the padding. Ryo-Ohki was so unhappy with how things where that she started to cry. Zechs: And now he's gone and made the cabbit cry. This guy is almost as evil as Jeff. Ryoko: What do you mean ALMOST? Just then a little girl in a blue dress comes into the room. "What's the matter? Baby hungry?" Zechs: ACK! It's a young Asuka Sohryu! The little girl picks up Ryo-Ohki and holds her in her arms, like a mother would hold her baby. Ryoko: Given Ryo-Ohki's size, don't you think that's a bad idea? "My name is Nilly. I live in America, but my parents have to come to Japan once a month for business, and i have to go with them. Ryoko (as Nilly): The lack of a stable environment causes me to have doubts about my self-worth, and so i refer to myself in the lower-case. Your a funny looking bunny. Bryan: TC, just what the hell is your problem with putting contractions where they go, anyway? I mean it! It's bad enough that the educational system in this country is going down the drain, but you have to reveal your ignorance to the world by posting it online! My mommy and daddy told me I could keep you. So now your my baby Bryan: What was I just telling you!? SHEESH! Vegeta: Prozac, Stat! and I am your mommy!" Nilly said with a smile. Nilly seemed a sweet girl, age 5 or 6 from what Ryo-Ohki could guess. Zechs: Awfully articulate for a six year old. Vegeta: Oh, and that Barton brat wasn't? Zechs: I never said she was! Jeez. It's not like *I* wrote her into Endless Waltz, y'know! All though Ryo-Ohki was not ok with the being her baby thing. Ryoko: Of course not! She's millenia older than the child. Why would she want to play infant to an infant? "Here mommy will feed you now. Baby must be hungry." Nilly takes a baby bottle full of milk and sticks it into Ryo-Ohki's mouth! Zechs: And what parent would allow a kid that age to tend to a wild animal they just found one day all by themselves? Ryo-Ohki once again was blushing. She found being bottle feed to be very embarrassing, Vegeta: You and me both, Ryo-chan. but she was thirsty and the milk did taste good. Bryan: Nowhere near as good as a carrot, but hey, cabbit does not live by carrot alone. Ryoko: Try telling Ryo-Ohki that, some day. I wanna watch. After Ryo-Ohki drank all the milk, Nilly takes Ryo-Ohki over her sholder and pats her back until she burps! Zechs: A cabbit can burp? Bryan: Most animals can't. That's why seagulls explode when you feed them Alka-seltzer. Ryoko: You didn't.... Bryan: No. But I've seen it done. Cruel, really. Almost as cruel as Tank Cop's murder of the English language. "Burp!" Ryo-Ohki goes with a red face. After Nilly started to play with Ryo-Ohki, bouncing her on her knee. Bryan: Yeah, bounce someone with a full stomach. Great idea. Not. They where both having a good time. It was so much fun that Ryo-Ohki even lost control of her bowles, Vegeta: It's nowhere near as humiliating as losing control of your bowels. Bryan: If you'd done that, Freiza might have even gone so far as to let you live with the shame. Vegeta: No. He wasn't that imaginative. Ryoko: Oh? He was related to Tank Cop? Vegeta: He's a bit more imaginative than THAT! and wet her diaper! Ryo-Ohki was so ashmed Bryan:Ashmed? Vegeta: Wasn't that the name of one of those guys who tried to blow up the World Trade Center? and embarrassed of what she did that she started to cry. Nilly carried Ryo-Ohki over to a changing table. Shhh its ok baby, theres no need to cry, mommy will change your diaper." Bryan: Forget a quotation mark, did we? Zechs: How long can you go on pointing out his mistakes like that? Bryan: As long as he keeps making them. Nilly lies Ryo-Ohki on the table and removes her wet diaper and puts it in the trash. She then takes some talcom powder and powders Ryo-Ohki's crouch Bryan: Hey, Ryoko, where exactly is the crouch? Ryoko: How the heck should I know? I haven't got one. Have you? Vegeta: I can assume a crouch, but I don't have a crouch. and butt. She then rubs some baby oil over her crouch and butt. Zechs: Anyone else get the idea that he means "crotch." Bryan: Well, not having one himself, it's easy to understand how he can get it wrong. Ryo-Ohki purred as Nilly rubbed her fingers over her oiled pussy and bottom. All: o_0 She creased and rubbed over Ryo-Ohki's most sensititve spot for a few minutes. Bryan: Don't most diaper changings take under a minute? Vegeta: Well, Tank Cop has to change his own, and he doesn't have the motor skills to do it quickly. Zechs: That, or he really has gone blind. Nilly then goes to get a fresh diaper, lifts up Ryo-Ohki's legs and slides the diaper under her butt. She then floods it over her waist and crouch, and tapes the sides up nice and tight. She then picks up Ryo-Ohki and puts her in her arms and sings and rocks Ryo-Ohki back and forth, until Ryo-Ohki falls asleep in her arms. Ryoko: Without a carrot? Not a chance. That night as Nilly was sleeping in her bed Ryo-Ohki took the chance to escape. Vegeta: And why? I thought it was stated that she was enjoying herself. Why escape? Ryoko: Because TC needed to advance what passes for a plot here? Bryan: Maybe Ryo-Ohki realized who was writing this, and tried to make a break for it. She tried to jump over again, but failed. Then she looked around the crib to find something to help her get out. She found some reading blocks and started to stack them, until they where high enough. Ryo-Ohki then got on top of them and stretched her little arms Ryoko: Legs. over tothe top of the crib and managed to pull herself out. She then moves out of the house as quicl Zechs: THAT'S a typo if ever I saw one. Bryan: No spell-check either, huh, TC? as she could with diapers on. As Ryo-Ohki walks out of the house she can hear the sound of Nilly crying. Ryo-Ohki walks back into the house and to the door way of Nilly's room and sees her crying her sad eyes out. Ryo-Ohki then made a hard dection. Ryoko: And we all know how heart-breaking making dections can be. Vegeta: I'd rather break legs. She walks over to Nilly and goes "Meow" behind her. Nilly then looks back to see her little baby. "OH your back, your really back!" Zechs: As opposed to her falsie back. Bryan: That's gotta be the worst case of misplaced possessives that I can think of. Nilly yells as she picks up Ryo-Ohki and hugs her tight. "Well I will just stay here for a while, its alot better then being cold and hungry in the woods." Ryo-Ohki thought. Vegeta: Oh, sure. Take the easy way out. Bryan: For a creature that was built by Washuu, she's not that bright. The next day Ryo-Ohki went though more bottle feeding, and baby food eating as well. She also endured the diaper changing too. Everything was going great until later on that day at dinner time. At dinner Nilly's family was having carrots as a side dish. Ryo-Ohki could smell them and of course escaped her crib to try and get some. Bryan: See. All it took was the proper motivation. Ryo-Ohki was able to get under the table and could smell the sweet carrots that where above her. Zechs: Where? Bryan: Don't start that again. She then took the table cloth and started to pull on it hopping to pull down a carrot or two. Instead Ryo-Ohkipulled down the entire dinner came crashing down on the floor. Vegeta: I don't even speak English as a first language, and that hurt MY head. *CRASH* Then Nilly's Family looked down to see Ryo-Ohki staring back at them. Nilly then takes Ryo-Ohki back into her room. "Now look what you did you bad baby. My mommy and daddy are mad at me now. I will have to punish you!" Nilly then sits on her little rocking chair and puts Ryo-Ohki over her lap. She then takes the back of Ryo-Ohki's dipaer down exposing her bare bottom to the world. Ryoko: It's furry with a powder-puff tail. Bryan: Violence is never the answer. Vegeta: AHEM! Bryan: Unless ripping hearts out of pedophiles, that is. Vegeta: Right. Nilly then raise her hand and spanks Ryo-Ohki hard! *SPANK* Zechs: Thank you sir, may I have another! Bryan: Oh great. Zechs is having flashbacks to his Academy days, guys. Ryo-Ohki jumps in pain, but is held down by Nilly. "You bad, bad baby!" Nilly yells as five more hard swats hit Ryo-Ohki's defensless butt. Poor Ryo-Ohki just cries out in pain as Nilly keeps spanking her now very red and sore bottom. Bryan: So not only is he a closet pedophile, Tank Cop also has a spanking fetish. Ryoko: More info than *I* wanted. All: AMEN. After a while Ryo-Ohki start to get a weried feeling in her pussy, as it starts to get wet. Nilly then moved from hand spanking to using a wooden hairbrush! With made the spankings stink like crazy Bryan: I'd think they'd make the brush stink like crazy. and made Ryo-Ohki cry even more loud. Bryan: TC, I'm so glad the quality filters are in place. Maybe you'll learn how to write before submitting. But as the heat in her ass was building, so the heat in her pussy. Ryoko: Tank Cop talk like Shampoo. Ryo-Ohki then rubbed her hips against the softness of the diaper, Vegeta: I thought that was pulled down. rubbing her pussy and clint Bryan(as Clint Eastwood): Nothing like a good piece of hickory. Ryoko: What did I tell you about doing that? over the diaper, bringing her closer to a climax. Nilly gives Ryo_ohki tem more good hard swats with the brush, Ryo-Ohki cums full force at the last swat. Bryan: I thought Ayeka was the one into S&M. Ryoko: Well, I confess to being a bit of a sadist. As Both the pleasure of cumming and the pain of the spanking hits her at once. Ryo-Ohki then lies tired on Nilly's lap, as Nilly rubs her hands over Ryo-Ohki's fiery bottom, saying how sorry she is. Ryoko: Oh, sure, they say they're sorry AFTER they hit you, but they sure don't seem too sorry when they're doing it, do they? Bryan: Um, Ryoko, we're not talking about abusive men right now. Calm down. Ryoko: MAKE ME! Bryan: I'll just be over here, then... Later on that day after Ryo-Ohki was again given a fresh diaper, Nilly's parents talked to her and told her that Ryo-Ohki was to dangerous to keep, that she could break more of there things, Bryan: And now, when you need one, you don't use the possessive. God in Heaven, TC, put that Word Processor down, before you hurt someone. Vegeta: Unless it's yourself. We'd have no problems with that. and that she should be set free to the woods where she found her. Ryo-Ohki could hear poor Nilly cry as she walked in and told Ryo-Ohki. "My mommy and daddy, say your no good, All(singing): No good...no good...no good...baby, you're no good. and I have to set you free. Bryan(singing): Born free....! KLUNK! Ryoko: And we told you not to sing, either. They promised to buy me a new bunny, but I don't want a new one, I want to keep you." Nilly picks up Ryo-Ohki and carry's Bryan: That's where that apostrophe from earlier went! Zechs: To a word it shouldn't be in! her out side, where Nilly's parent's where waiting. Nilly then gives Ryo-Ohki one last hug and kiss then puts her on the ground and lets Ryo-Ohki run into the forest. As Ryo-Ohki leaves the area of Nilly's home, she can hear Nilly's cries growing less and less. Ryo-Ohki started to cry too. She will miss Nilly, but knows she needs to get back to her own home. Bryan: If he was going for heartfelt and tender, he failed completely. Ryoko: I'm glad it's all over. Vegeta: Not quite over. It was late when Ryo-Ohki found her way back to the Maskia house. AS she approached the house she heard cries coming from inside, it was Sasami. Ryo-Ohki ran in and finds Aeka comforting her sad sister. "Is ok Sasami, Ryoko: Shampoo has replaced Ayeka! we will find Ryo-Ohki no matter what it takes." Aeka said as she crossed her sister's hair and rubbed her head. Ryo-Ohki then walks in front of them and goes "Meow". Both of them stare at the happy little cabbit. Sasami rushes to pick her up. "Oh Ryo-Ohki your back. Vegeta: Her back, front, and all the rest of her. Oh I missed you so much. Where all sorry we where so mean to you!" Bryan: The same wrong word for two wrong meanings. That shows a level of stupidity that I didn't think could exist. How can a brain function so little, and still generate enough power to keep the body functioning? Sasami hugged Ryo-Ohki until she felt something? She looked at Ryo-Ohki again, and saw something very surprising. "Ryo-Ohki, why do you have a diaper on?" Sasami asks. Ryo-Ohki just blushed all over! All: Facefault! The End Ryoko: Thank you, GOD! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It is a happy ending Vegeta: Because it's over! with a sad twist. Ryoko: Because it was written. It is hard to tell how to feel? Bryan: It is a question? LEARN WHERE TO PUT THE FRICKIN' PREPOSTIONS YOU MORON! You decide. Was this funny, sad, ect? Bryan: In my opinion, it was very sad...that it exists. Truely a work that touches us all...in the head. Elements combine to make the whole work funny...smelling. In other words, it stinks! I hope you enjoyed this lemon. Ryoko: Nope. Vegeta: KsaWarrior was right. It WAS an exercise in stupidity. Zechs: I feel stupider for having seen it. Bryan: Look on the bright side. At least none of us have to claim responisbility for writing it. Strange as it is. Well I did complete this in just 2 hours. I still don't know why I made this, Vegeta: Must...resist...urge to...pun. Bryan: Do it. It'll make you feel better. Vegeta: Alright. We don't know why you wrote it either. Other than maybe you're a pervert with a Z - grade in English. Ryoko: You're giving him that much credit? I just thought it was a cute lemon to make. You be my judge. Bryan: Jury. Ryoko: And Executioner. Write to me what you thing. Bryan: I THINK that you're in dire need of a brain transplant. Apparently yours evaporated years ago. Tank Cop ^_~ Rei: My mortal enemy! Bryan: And now that we've MSTed Tank Cop to pieces, I'd like to introduce a new section called Apologies, Withdrawals, and Corrections. First of all, I gave up caffine, and therefore, I'm going through withdrawal. I therefore apologize if I seem edgy and viscious. Also, I recently was contacted by Peter Suzuki, who informed me that his spell check gave "Hared" as the proper spelling for a constant barb I make about him. My own checker gives "haired" as the proper spelling. However, I didn't doubt Peter's sincerity, and spoke with an English professor, who informed me that both spellings are acceptable. So to Peter, I give you my solemn pledge that we'll never mention that again. We will, however, ridicule you for your other spelling mistakes, as is only fair. And with that over with, I think we can all go home.