The USS Brian Drummond and its crew, none of whom are owned by my and are 
being used without permission (please don't sue me. It's out of love for the 
characters that I do this) have been journey for some time now. Having 
successfully MSTed several fics, they seek to have a little R&R. Too bad for 
them that it isn't in the cards.

Bryan Weber, the head of the ship, who I do own, since I'm him, entered the 
rec room with a mischevious grin on his face.
"Oh no," Vegeta groaned, "Another MST?"
Ryoko turned a page in the book she was reading, "It had better not be a 
lemon."
"Relax," Bryan said, "I decided to pass on the lemons tonight. I think my 
stomach suffered enough last time."
"I'll second that," Zechs moaned, "I'm still feeling it."
"So what are we doing tonight?" Ryoko asked warily.
"Nothing too bad," Bryan said, avoiding the topic at hand as best he could 
as they went into the theater.
"Right," Rei said, closing the door on them, "It's just a Peter Suzuki fic."
"A WHAT!?"
"Oh GOD!" Ryoko clawed at the door, but its composition prevented her from 
phasing out.
Bryan smiled, "Aw, come on. It's been awhile since we gave Peter a hard 
time, and I thought we could take a shot at him again."

Roll Call:

Bryan Weber: "I'm not as crazy as I look. I'm crazier."
Prince Vegeta: "Any way I can get out of this outfit?"
Zechs Merquise: "Hey, my show is getting better ratings. How come I don't 
get top billing?"
Ryoko: "Kill me now, God."

And the ship's projectionist and pilot, Rei Ayanami: "I'm glad Suzuki 
doesn't do Eva fics."

Bryan: Well, here we are, sealed in once again.

Hey, anime fans!  The question has popped up time and time again.  "Who
would win in a fight; Tenchi or Ranma?".

Ryoko: My money's on Tenchi.
Bryan: Tenchi
Zechs: Tenchi.
Vegeta: What's a Ranma?

  Well, I have to tell you that I’ve
been wondering that too.

Bryan: Nah, you didn't have to tell us. We could have guessed from this fic.

  Sure Tenchi has the ‘Wings Of The Light Hawk’,

Ryoko: Sure does. Nifty things, those.

but
Ranma could just be tricky enough to find some way to bypass that.

Bryan: (as Ranma) : Saotome school of anything goes martial arts ultimate 
technique: RUN AWAY!

  Sure
Tenchi beat Kagato, Kain (abet with some help from his friends)

Bryan: Who bet?
Ryoko: I thought Achika kicked Kain's ass.
Vegeta: And then Washuu shot him with the dimensional cannon.

, and Yuzuha.

Zechs: Yuzuha was a threat?

But certainly Pantyhose Taro, Herb, and Saffron were no pushovers either.

Vegeta: You expect me to believe that someone named Pantyhose wasn't a 
pushover. You HONESTLY expect me to take that seriously.
Bryan: Like we take seriously that someone whose name means "vegetable" 
could fight?
Vegeta: You're asking for an early grave, you know.
Ryoko: At least my name means something pertinent to what I do.
Zechs: Did you just say "pertinent"?
Rei: (on speakers) :My name is important to the plot of MY show.
Vegeta: And what sort of a name is Saffron?
Zechs: Wasn't Gohan voiced by Saffron Henderson?
Vegeta: Wasn't Noin, as well?
Zechs: I think I'll ask Noin to use her Japanese voice for awhile.
Bryan(smirking): Wasn't Noin's Japanese seiyuu (note the use of insider 
terms, kiddies) the same one who did Sasami?
Zechs: 0_o
Vegeta: You truely ARE evil, oh Weber-san.
Bryan: I had you as a teacher.

Sure Tenchi can put up with Ryoko and Ayeka (And survive), but Ranma has to
put up with Akane (Nuf said).

Vegeta: I'm developing newfound respect for that Ranma kid.
Bryan: Prophecies of Akane's cooking haunted the Saiya-jin for centuries.
Vegeta: I don't think even Goku could eat her food and survive.

Well, I’m here right now to solve the question of who would be the better
fighter.  And I’m going to do so as only I, PETER SUZUKI, can do.

Ryoko: He's going to write a really weird story about it.

  By brutal
battles between the cast of both series, in an attempt to find out who are
the better weirdoes. . .  Okay, which of you jerks put THAT in the cue card?

Zechs: I bet it was Priss. Ayeka and Ranma aren't going to insult themselves 
in this, I'm sure.

Anyway, Peter Suzuki is (kinda) proud to present;

ANIME DEATHMATCH:  RANMA ½, VS. TENCHI MUYO.

Bryan: Is this going to be anything like the Mankind/Undertaker match?
Vegeta: I thought I said no more WWF from you.

The series "Ranma ½" is the work of Rumiko Takahashi,

Bryan: Goddess of manga.

and "Tenchi Muyo" is
owned by Pioneer LDC, and AIC.

Ryoko: Makers of fine animes everywhere.

  All rights are reserved to them, and I’m
just borrowing the characters right now for some fun.

Ryoko: A deathmatch is fun?
Vegeta: It depends on which end of the dying you're on.
Ryoko: Oh.
Bryan: It's fun for the audience, too.

  (Oh, and if anyone
else should show up, they are owned by other people too.  Just to let you
know.  ^_^ )


Ryoko: We get the point, already.

Round 1.  Ranma Saotome vs. Tenchi Masaki.

Bryan: The main event already? Geez. Suzuki really needs to talk to Vince 
MacMahon about building suspense.
Vegeta: Like any of that crap is real.

We are gathered in a large stadium, for this event.

Ryoko:( as Ash) : Tenchi, I choose you!

Thousands of people
are in the stands, all of them shouting at the top of their lungs.  Most are
cheering for Tenchi to win.

Ryoko:(grins): Attaboy, Tenchi!

The rest are either telling Ranma that if he
wins this he will die, or that if he does not win this he will die.

Vegeta: Sucks to be him, don't it?

   Ranma is currently stretching his limbs, getting ready for the fight.

Vegeta: NO!NO!NO! First the calves, then the biceps, you twit!

Tenchi seems to be saying a prayer for a short, painless battle.

Zechs(as Tenchi): Not in the face dear God, please not in the face.

The referee announces for the two combatants to take their places, at the
center of the arena.  "GRUMPMUFFMUFFGAGLLEGALLYWHOOMUPH!!!"

Bryan: Either the ref has a cold, or he just said something very naughty in 
Klingonese.

Tenchi and Ranma both walk over to the referee, who is at the center of the
arena.
"What did you just say?" Tenchi and Ranma both ask the referee.

Vegeta: (as ref): I said, kick each other's asses but good!

The referee does not answer, and turns away leaving the two confused teens,
at the center of the arena.

Bryan: They really wanted to make sure THIS was a nice clean match, didn't 
they?

Tenchi and Ranma both shrug, and take fighting stances toward each other.
ROUND ONE, FIGHT!!

Vegeta: MORTAL COMBAT!

They are about to attack when *SPLASH!!!*  Ranma is suddenly drenched in
ice cold, soda.

Ryoko: Yeah, I said you! Don't you think of laying a hand on my Tenchi!

A bunch of slightly older teenagers, in the stands behind Ranma, are
laughing at the boy, now turned girl.

Bryan: You know, that curse never fails to scare the hell out of me.
Vegeta: AMEN!

"Get out of here, Saotome!!" Shouts one of them.
"Yeah, this is supposed to be a ‘Man-To-Man’ battle!  No GIRLS allowed!!"
jeers another.

Bryan: Ryoga and Mousse are asking for it, aren't they.

"Grrrrr. . .  FIERCE TIGER DOMINEERING BLAST!!!!!"

Vegeta: Not bad, but it doesn't hold a candle to my best attack.
Ryoko: Which is?
Vegeta (wicked grin): FINAL FLASH!
There is a smouldering crater where Ryoko's seat used to be.
Ryoko reappears beside Vegeta: That was a cheap shot.

Shouts Ranma, launching
her chi attack at the offending boys.  After three seconds, all that is left
of rows five through nine, and consequently the offending boys, is a
smoldering hole.

Bryan: Guess Ryoga and Mousse won't be making the scene.

Ranma, in front of the entire shock-frozen audience, takes off her shirt to
ring out the cold soda from it.

Ryoko: Cover Tenchi's eyes!
Vegeta: Too late now.

"Stupid, pig-headed, no good, rotten,
butt-faced, squirrel for brains, perverts!  Sometimes I wonder if Akane was
RIGHT about guys."

Vegeta: HEY!
Bryan: I take great offense to that!
Zechs: Not all of us are perverts!
Ryoko: Denial, anyone?

  Ranma quickly put her shirt back on, and faced Tenchi.
"Now then, where were. . . we?"

Vegeta: Well, you were about to get your ass kicked, but I think that's no 
longer how this is gonna go.

Tenchi has fainted, and blood is still streaming out of his nose.  Ranma
stares in confusion, as Tenchi falls forward, with a *thunk!*

Ryoko: Poor Tenchi!
Bryan: You know, I hate to admit this, but Ran-chan is kinda cute...
Vegeta: You're kidding, right?
Bryan: No. Think about it. If you didn't know she was a he, wouldn't you 
find her attractive?
Zechs: Can we drop this line of questioning, now?

A majority of the crowd boos, as Ranma is declared the winner.
"Geez.  I guess that guy’s not been eating right, or something." Said
Ranma.

Bryan: Having fought Ryoga, I think Ranma would know just what was going on 
here.

WINNER:  Ranma.

Ryoko: BOO! HISS!

Round 2.  Akane Tendo vs. Ryoko Habuki.

Ryoko: Excuse me, I'm needed...

Akane and Ryoko stand at opposite ends of a boxing ring.

Bryan: Let's hope it's not a cook off. No one would get out alive.
Vegeta and Zechs shudder.

"I can handle her." says Akane, with more than a little confidence.

Vegeta: Famous last words.

"Are you sure, Akane?" asks Akane’s eldest sister, Kasumi.  "She looks
really tough."

Vegeta: You know, Kasumi is kinda cute. Is she available?
Bryan: There's this chiropractor that loves her, but he's never gonna get up 
the spine to admit it.
Zechs: Vegeta, you have a girlfriend.
Vegeta: That doesn't mean I can't look, does it?
Bryan: That's usually what it means, yes.

"So what?  She doesn’t even know martial arts.  This will be easy."

Bryan: When you can survive in the vacuum of space and shatter concrete like 
it was eggs, I don't think a knowledge of martial arts is really imperitive.
Vegeta: It doesn't hurt to know them anyway, you know. Besides, sword 
fighting counts as a martial art.

"Sure, Akane." says Akane’s other sister, Nabiki.  "Now just sign your name
here."  Nabiki holds out a piece of paper, and a pen.

Zechs: How much you wanna bet she's the beneficiary.
Vegeta: She's got a great butt.
Bryan: You're hopeless, you know.

Akane picks up the paper, and starts looking it over.  "What’s this?"
"It’s your will, to your next of kin." Answers Nabiki.

Zechs: Knew it.

Akane tosses the paper back at Nabiki, along with the pen.  The pen misses
hitting Nabiki, and goes flying into the audience.  There is a scream of
pain heard from the audience,

Vegeta (holding pen): That thing peirced my armor!
Bryan: Akane isn't a wimp, you know.

but no one takes any notice of it.
Anyway, Akane and Ryoko turn toward each other, as the referee walks to the
center of the ring, to tell the two combatants to go to the center of the
ring.
"GRUMPMUFFMUFFGAGLLEGALLYWHOOMUPH!!!"

Zechs:(with Klingon dictionary): Ouch! He doesn't even know their mothers!

Akane and Ryoko walk to the center of the ring.
"What did you just say?" Akane and Ryoko both ask the referee.

Bryan: Oh look, it's a running gag.
Zechs: Next time, let's gag Suzuki.

The referee does not answer, and turns away leaving the two confused women,
at the center of the arena.
Akane and Ryoko both shrug, and take fighting stances.
"I’m going to kick your butt across Japan!" shouted Akane.

Zechs: Five to one odds that she lasts at least ten seconds before Ryoko 
kicks her butt.
Bryan: Too rich for my blood.

"HA!  Give it your best shot, little gir-*WHAM!!*"  Ryoko is cut off, as
Akane’s mallet collides with the space pirate’s face.

All:(dully) Hammerspace.

"HA!" Akane smiles, smugly.  "Looks like I wi- *CRUNCH!!*"
Akane looks in horror as Ryoko crushes the mallet with her bare hands, and
glares at Akane.

Vegeta: Akane had better hope she can run really REALLY fast.

Ryoko grabs Akane by her shirt, and picks her up into the
air.  Ryoko then starts twirling Akane above her head.  "Around, and around,
and away you GO!!!"  Ryoko flings Akane into the air, and out of the area,
into the sky, and out of the camera’s field of vision.

Bryan: Now Akane knows how Ranma felt all those times.

WINNER:  Ryoko.

Ryoko(returning to her seat): Was there ever a doubt?
Others (bored) : No.

ROUND 3:  Ryoga Hibiki, vs. Mihoshi Kuramitsu.

Bryan: Wait...Ryoga doesn't hit girls.
Zechs: Well, unless it's Ranma...

The setting for this battle is at a football field.

Bryan: Anyone for tossing the old pigskin.
Vegeta: Ryoga would kick your butt for that, you know.

  The two combatants do
not seem to be paying attention to each other, as Mihoshi is currently
checking her bazooka

Bryan: HEY! No unsanctioned objects in the ring!
Vegeta(as Mills Lane): I'll allow it.

(You know, that giant gun she uses from time to time,
that isn’t supposed to be loaded, yet somehow manages to fire and destroy
stuff, anyway),

Bryan: Yeah, yeah, we know.
Zechs: We bow to you, oh master of foreshadowing.

and Ryoga seems to be having an argument with some of the
judges, who are in the bleachers sipping potato whisky, and singing off key.

All:(singing): How dry I (hic) am! How dry I (hic) am! Oh nobody (hic) knows 
how dry I (hic) am!

. .  Ryoga does not know that last part, because he can neither see, nor
hear them.

Bryan: Then how is he talking to them.

The referee walks to the center of the field, to tell the two combatants to
go to the center of the field.
"GRUMPMUFFMUFFGAGLLEGALLYWHOOMUPH!!!"

Zechs: Translation anyone?
Vegeta: No thank you.

All eyes nervously turn toward the referee, who simply does not answer, and
walks away.
Everyone shrugs, and went back to what they were doing.
Ryoga continues complaining to the judges.  "I will NOT fight a girl, you
hear me!!!  It is amoral, unchivalrous, and just plainly something that I DO
NOT DO!!!

Vegeta: Well, unless it's Ranma-chan.

  And if you can’t understand that, then *BLAM!!!*"  Ryoga was
suddenly silenced by a plasma blast, from behind.

Bryan: That's that.

"Oops!  I guess the safety WASN’T on." Observed Mihoshi,

Ryoko: She's a master of observation, really.

as she let go of
the trigger, and looked to see what damage was done.  She saw that she
accidentally made a rather large hole in the bleachers, but did not see
anyone injured.  She did however see a pile of roasted pork-chops, on the
ground in front of the hole, that smelled absolutely delicious.

Bryan: Urp! And I thought lemons were sick!
Ryoko: Poor boy. He never has any luck.
Vegeta: That's the way it goes, sometimes.

As she started munching on one of the pork-chops, she wondered where her
opponent went.  He was there, just a minute ago.

All: SPEW!

WINNER:  Mihoshi.

ROUND 4.  Azusa Shiratori, vs.  Misaki Jurai.

Bryan: We should leave now. This could get ugly.
Rei(on Speakers): Not a chance.

The scene for this battle is a poorly lit section of what looks to be a
large shopping mall.  The two combatants are nowhere to be found at the
moment, and murmurs from the audience state that the combatants have not
been seen since the fight was set up.

Vegeta: This is not a bad thing, people.
Zechs: Those two scare me!
Ryoko: Misaki is especially dangerous.

The referee walks to the center of the field, to tell the two combatants to
go to the center of the field.
"GRUMPMUFFMUFFGAGLLEGALLYWHOOMUPH!!!"

Bryan: This stopped being funny since...Hmmm? Vegeta?
Vegeta: It was funny?

The mannequins in the store windows nervously turn toward the referee, who
simply does not answer, and walks away.

Ryoko: So that's what happened to the mannequin's that didn't get the part 
in Mannequin.
Bryan: Naw. Those are the ones from that episode of the Twilight Zone.

The mannequins shrugged, and went back to mannequining.
For a few moments, nothing happens.  Then *CRASH* *WHAM* *OOH!  SO CUTE!!!*

Ryoko: Hide me!
Zechs: Every man for himself!

Misaki and Azusa exit out of store windows, each holding several
miscellaneous items in their arms, and running at full speed into other
stores.  Shiratori crashes into a ‘Kay Bee, Toys’.  Moments later, dozens of
‘Furbys’ can be heard, claiming to be dying, and incapable of breathing.

Bryan: Good! Those things were part of an alien plot to conquer the world!
Vegeta: Be serious.
Bryan: I AM! Look, you have to learn their language, and when you leave them 
alone, they talk to each other! I'm telling you, they're an insidious plot 
to subvert our children and take over this planet!
Zechs: Ok, which one of you hid his medication THIS time?

Misaki rushes into a pet shop.  Just a few moments later several animals
can be heard, being crushed to death.

Ryoko: Oh! The Humanity!
Bryan: Animality, dear.
Ryoko: Oh! Right. OH! THE ANIMALITY!
Vegeta: Is that even a word?
Bryan: The beauty of the English language is that you can make up words on 
the spot.

"Who was the idiot that decided to have the battle HERE?" asks someone in
the audience.

All: (tattle-tail): PETER DID IT!

Unfortunately, this got the attention of the two ‘combatants’.

Vegeta: ACK! WE'VE BEEN SPOTTED!
Zechs: But I'm wearing stripes.
Somewhere, a rimshot is heard.
Bryan: Rei, get off the synthisizer.
Rei (on speakers): Aw, man! I never get to have any fun.

  Misaki and
Azusa both look toward the audience, who all consecutively get large
sweatdrops on the back of their heads, and then calmly exit the battle area.

Bryan: Damn shielded door! OPEN!
Ryoko: You built it! It's your fault!

"GYAA!!!  THE’RE LOOKING THIS WAY!!!  RUN!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!  HELP
ME!!!

Vegeta: Help you? Who's gonna help us?


  HELP ME!!!  MOMMY!!!  WHERE ARE YOU MOMMY!?!?!

Bryan: The world is a dark and lonely place...

  TOSHI, YOU’RE FIFTY
YEARS OLD, SO STOP CALLING FOR YOUR MOMMY, ALREADY!!!

All: -_- '


  AAH!!!  GODZILLA!!!

Bryan(bad dub): We must flee, for the monster comes.
Vegeta(bad dub): Perry Mason, what are you doing here?

MOOO!!!

Bryan: I wish Ryga was still here. He'd have fun with that one.
Vegeta: Sure, rub it in my face that he left cause I kept blasting him.

  HEE-HAW!!!  HEE-HAW!!!

Ryoko (as Ukyo): Out of my way, ya Jackass!

  QUACK!!!  QUACK!!!

Bryan (as Shampoo): Mousse! What you do, you stupid duck!

QUICKLY, LOAD THEM UP,
TWO BY TWO!!!

Bryan(as Bill Cosby): Riiiiiiiiight!
Vegeta: Like there's anyone left alive that get's that one!
Ryoko: I got it.
Zechs: Me too.

  THE END IS UPPON US!!!

Ryoko: I prefer Uddon to uppon.
Bryan: Ramen for me, thanks.
Vegeta: Souba works.
Zechs: There isn't a noodle between the three of you.

  WE ARE ALL DOOMED!!!  HELP!!!  NEIL,
DID YOU EAT YOUR CHUNKY SOUP!?!?!

Bryan:(disclaimer voice): Chunky soup is a registered trademark of 
Campbell's.
Vegeta:(disclaimer voice): Neil is some guy.
Zechs:(disclaimer voice): Please don't sue Peter. He's really very funny.
Ryoko: Looking.


HELP ME!!!  OH GOD, I THINK THE’RE
COMMING THIS WAY!!!

Bryan: Comming?
Vegeta: Suzuki's spell check must have been on the fritz.

  FEETS DON’T FAIL ME NOW!!!

Zechs(as Snagglepuss): Exit, stage right!

  THE CHAMPAGNE’S NOT
CORBELL!!!

Bryan: That's alright. I don't drink.
Vegeta: Some of us do!
Ryoko: Yeah, but ordinary sake will do.


AAH!!!  GODZILLA!!!


Bryan: And in that corner is Gamera!

GOD SAVE BILL GATES!!!

Vegeta: Let him save himself. He's got enough money.


CROOOOOW!!!  EEA,
IE, EEA, IE, OH!!!  SENATOR SONNY BONO, WHITE CURTOSY PHONE!!! SENATOR SONNY
BONO, WHITE CURTOSY PHONE!!!

Bryan: They have white curtesy phones in heaven?
Zechs: Heaven has all the modern conveniences.

AAH!!!  GODZILLA!!

Ryoko: That pesky lizard is ruining everything! Shoo! Shoo!

!  OOH, EE, OOH, AH, AH!!!
OUCH!!!  YOU STEPPED ON MY FOOT!!!

All: Sorry!

WELL THEN WALK ON THE BOTTOMS!!!
BA-DA-BUMP!!!  MAYDAY!!!  MAYDAY!!!

Bryan: The fic is going down.
Vegeta: Abandon fic. Abandon fic!


  WHERE’S MY BABY!?!?!  WHERE’S MY
BABY!?!?!

Bryan:(as Mic Jagger): Has anybody seen my ba-by? Has anybody seen her 
a-round?

YOU’RE STANDING ON ME, MOM!!!  WILL THE PERSON DRIVING THE BROWN
PINTO PLEASE GO TO THE PARKING LOT, YOUR CAR IS ON FIRE!!!

Vegeta: Bryan?
Bryan: Nope. I'm either in a Kia, or in this thing.


  RUN FOR YOUR
LIVES, PEOPLE!!!  HELP!!! HELP!!!  THAT DOOR SAYS ‘PULL’ YOU FOOL!!!"

Ryoko: I don't have to bother with doors!

And before you can say, "GYAA!!!  THE’RE LOOKING THIS WAY!!!  RUN!!! RUN
FOR YOUR LIVES!!!  HELP ME!!!  HELP ME!!!  MOMMY!!!  WHERE ARE YOU
MOMMY!?!?!  TOSHI, YOU’RE FIFTY YEARS OLD, SO STOP CALLING FOR YOUR MOMMY,
ALREADY!!!  AAH!!!  GODZILLA!!!  MOOO!!!  HEE-HAW!!!  HEE-HAW!!!  QUACK!!!
QUACK!!!  QUICKLY, LOAD THEM UP, TWO BY TWO!!!  THE END IS UPPON US!!!  WE
ARE ALL DOOMED!!!  HELP!!!  NEIL, DID YOU EAT YOUR CHUNKY SOUP!?!?!  HELP
ME!!!  OH GOD, I THINK THE’RE COMMING THIS WAY!!!  FEETS DON’T FAIL ME
NOW!!!  THE CHAMPAGNE’S NOT CORBELL!!!  AAH!!!  GODZILLA!!!  GOD SAVE BILL
GATES!!!  CROOOOOW!!!  EEA, IE, EEA, IE, OH!!!  SENATOR SONNY BONO, WHITE
CURTOSY PHONE!!! SENATOR SONNY BONO, WHITE CURTOSY PHONE!!!  AAH!!!
GODZILLA!!!  OOH, EE, OOH, AH, AH!!!  OUCH!!!  YOU STEPPED ON MY FOOT!!!
WELL THEN WALK ON THE BOTTOMS!!!  BA-DA-BUMP!!!  MAYDAY!!!  MAYDAY!!!  WHERE
’S MY BABY!?!?!  WHERE’S MY BABY!?!?!  YOU’RE STANDING ON ME, MOM!!!  WILL
THE PERSON DRIVING THE BROWN PINTO PLEASE GO TO THE PARKING LOT, YOUR CAR IS
ON FIRE!!!  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, PEOPLE!!!  HELP!!! HELP!!!  THAT DOOR SAYS
‘PULL’ YOU FOOL!!!",

Bryan: Too late, you already said it.
Ryoko: Twice, even!

everyone in the stands exited the area, leaving just a
camera facing Azusa and Misaki, who are now standing in the middle of the
path, between the shops.

Bryan: A lone tumbleweed ....tumbled.


"Where did everybody go?" Misaki and Azusa both asked at the same time.
They then turned toward the camera, that was still facing them.  "OOH!  SO
CUTE!!!"  They then rush at the camera.
We suddenly see Misaki’s armpit, then darkness.  There is a sudden
*CRUNCH!*, and we loose video feed.

Bryan: That poor camera!


WINNER:  Do YOU want to go back, and find out?!?

All: NO!

ROUND 5.  Ayeka Jurai vs. Ukyo Kuonji.

Ryoko: Oh, this is gonna be short!
Bryan: My money is on the Princess. Nothing gets through that force field of 
hers.


The setting for this fight is at a tennis court, with the spectators seated
in the bleachers.  The two combatants are at opposite ends of the court,
readying for combat.  The net is removed, and the referee walks to the
center of the court, to tell the two combatants to also go to the center of
the court.
"GRUMPMUFFMUFFGAGLLEGALLYWHOOMUPH!!!"  *KA-WHUBBA!!!*

Ryoko: That'll leave a mark.

Ayeka and Ukyo walk to the center of the court, and nervously inspect the 6
X 4 X 3.5 Buddha statue that crushed the referee.

Bryan: Glory and Praise to you, Buddah.

"MOM!  Why the hell did you do that for?!"  said a woman in the audience,
who had very spiky, cyan colored hair.

Vegeta: Ryoko, keep it down, will ya. I wanna see the fight.

"Because that joke was getting really old, Ryoko dear."  Replies a much
shorter woman, with even more spiky, crab-red hair.

Ryoko: That's never stopped you before, Mom!

Washu types on her keyboard a bit, and a large portal opens up under the
statue/crushed referee, thus removing the obstruction from the court.

Vegeta: She'sYOUR mother.
Ryoko: Shut up.

  Ukyo
and Ayeka both shrug, and the fight commences.
Suddenly;  Look!  Up in the sky!  It’s a bird!  It’s a plane!

Bryan: It's Superman!

It’s that
tomboy from the Ranma ½!

Zechs: Don't let her cook for you.

Akane falls from the air, with the greatest of
ease, and lands on Ayeka.
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *WHAM*!!!"
Akane’s impact sent her and the Jurian princess to the bottom of a human
shaped crater.
"Hey, I got good hang time with her."  said Ryoko, from the bleachers.

Bryan: I think Akane still holds the record for putting people in orbit.
Ryoko: Big friggin' deal.

Suddenly, two large floating logs, one marked with a blue marking, the other
marked with a similar red marking, appear next to the crater.
"Oh my god!  She killed Ayeka!!!"  exclaims the blue marked one.
"You bastard!!!"  exclaims the red marked one.

Bryan: And tonight the parts of Stan and Kyle will be played by Azaka and 
Kamidake.

Akane pulls herself out from the hole she just made, and glares at Azaka
and Kamidake.  "What . . . did . . . you . . . call . . . ME!?!?!"
"Uh-oh." Say both guardians at the same time, gaining large sweatdrops on
the back of their heads.  Akane pulls out a bright, shiny, brass mallet, and
chases after the two flying logs, intent on showing them how her new mallet
can violently force large pieces of wood straight into the ground.

Ryoko: So THAT'S how you deal with a Juraian Guardian.

"THE WINNER; UKYO!!!"  Announces the announcer.

Bryan: Okonomiyaki for everyone!
Vegeta: I'll take one.

Ryoko teleports over to the crater, and looked down the hole.  "Yo,
princess.  You okay?"

Vegeta: Glue her to her seat when she gets back, will you?

A faint voice can be heard from the hole.  "Miss Ryoko, I presently have
soil in my ears.  Could you please lean a bit further toward me, so I could
understand you?"

Zechs: Oh, like she's gonna fall for that one.

Ryoko leans more toward the hole.  "I said; Yo, princess.  You o-GACK!!!"

Bryan: You were saying, Zechs?
Zechs: Nevermind.

Ayeka is now currently gripping Ryoko’s neck, and shaking the former pirate
’s head like a rattle.  After a minute of this, Ayeka attempts to crack
Ryoko’s head open, to get at the nutty filling.

Vegeta: Packed with peanuts, Ryoko really satisfies.
Bryan: Do you really want to stand on that line?
Ryoko: (shakily) I'm O.K.!

Ukyo is paying no attention to this whatsoever, as she just realized that
she had to now thank Akane for helping her to win.

Bryan: What, it's not like it's Ayeka and Ryoko. Akane and Ukyo can actually 
tolerate each other for more than five minutes on end.

WINNER:  Ukyo.

ROUND 6.  Shampoo (Cat form) vs. Ryo-oh-ki (Cabbit form)

Vegeta: My money is on the cabbit.
Bryan: I dunno. That Chinese Amazon fighting style can really pack a 
whallop.

The two combatants face each other, trying to make each other angry.
"Nyao!!  Meroow!!  Hisss!!"  said Shampoo.

Zechs: Translation: You ugly cat-thing.

"Miyaaa!!!  Merouyaaa!!!"  replies Ryo-oh-ki.

Ryoko: Eesh. You can't say that in polite company.
Vegeta: So what's the problem? It's just us.

We’d translate what they were saying, but there may be younger viewers
watching, uh reading this.

Bryan: Or even writing it.
Vegeta: If he wasn't going to get you before, I'm sure that's gonna do it 
now.
Ryoko: He might write me into more lemons with Ayeka in retalliation!
Bryan: Yeah, but then he has to deal with Ayeka over at Anime Port # 9.

The signal to start the fight is about to start, but suddenly a cry rings
through the air.
"POKEBALL GO!!!"

Vegeta: Why does everyone think the cabbit is a pokemon?
Bryan: Well, Ryo-Ohki isn't something you see everyday.

A red and white ball rebounds off of Shampoo, and sucks her up into the
ball.

Vegeta: 0_0
Bryan: This was unexpected.
Ryoko: She's gonna be pissed....
Zechs: Hell hath no fury like a woman trapped in a tiny red and white ball.

"Who would’ve thought that we would find pokemon around here?"  said a
young boy, with a red baseball cap.  Next to the boy is a large yellow mouse
with a lightning bolt shaped tail, a young girl with her red hair tied into
a ponytail on one side of her head, and a slightly older young man who’s
eyes are abnormally squinted.
"I don’t think I’ve seen a cat pokemon like that, Ash." Says the girl.

Zechs: If you really want to make it fun, just add water.

Suddenly, Shampoo breaks out of the Pokeball, and glares angrily at the
three people who tried to capture her in that ball.  Where did these people
come from, anyway?

Bryan: (as Shampoo): Where you come from, all of sudden?

This was the third time today that someone tried to
capture her in one of those balls.

Vegeta: Ever since that show aired, it just doesn't pay to be furry and 
cute.
Zechs: Well, I guess you're in no danger.

Well, she would show these three not to
mess with her.

Ryoko(as Shampoo): Now I use technique developed over three-thousand year of 
Chinese-Amazon history. Dance of Great Fire Dragon!
Others (singing): Yappa-paa, Yappa-paa, iishanten...

Ash, Misty, Pikachu, and Brock ran for their lives, from the rage driven
cat that was trying to reduce them to scratching posts.  Neither rain, nor
sleet, nor electric mouse pokemon would keep Shampoo from extracting her
revenge.

Bryan: Get your revenge extract here. Revenge extract.

Ryo-oh-ki got a large sweatdrop on the back of her head, as she watched
what happened.  Suddenly, a net dropped over her, and she was quickly strung
into the air.

Vegeta: Oh, great. These losers again.

"BAH, amateurs!"  Said a handsome young man, with dark blue hair, who was
also holding the net.

Zechs: Shouldn't he have a rose as well?

"To think that those meddling kids would take the chance of loosing a new
cat type pokemon, by capturing it in a regular Pokeball."  Said a tall,
beautiful, red hared

Zechs: Same-Suzuki Typo.
Ryoko: New Suzuki Color.

young woman.  "WE, on the other hand, take no chances
of loosing it."

Vegeta: Well, I think they LOST it along time ago.
Bryan: Not possible. They never had it.
Ryoko: Look who's talking.

"That, and you’s guys are too poor to even afford a regular Pokeball."
Comments a odd looking, talking cat, with a gold coin attached to its
forehead.
"Shut up, Meowth." Said the man and woman.
"Make me." said Meowth.
Well, they did not notice, but Ryo-oh-ki was as mad as hell, and she was
not going to take it anymore.

Ryoko:(as Ryo-Ohki): STOP STEALING MY SPOTLIGHT!

  Taking a cue from ‘Tenchi In Tokyo’ (Shin
Tenchi Muyo), Ryo-oh-ki transformed into

ROBO-OH-KI!!!!!!!

All: 0_o

She easily broke out of the net, when she changed from a simple cabbit,
into a large, pink, robot warrior.

Bryan: I wonder if Bandai makes 1/144 kits of that to go along with the 
Gundams.
Zechs: That had better be a joke, or you and I are going to have a talk 
later.


   Team Rocket watches in horror as
ROBO-OH-KI!!!!!!! cracks her knuckles ominously, and with a roaring battle
cry of "MIYA!!!", goes into action.

*CRASH* *WHAM* *BAM* *BODYSLAM* *RANDOM* *NOISE* *OF* *ROBO-OH-KI*
*GETTING* *MIDEVIL* *ON* *TEAM* *ROCKET’S* *BOOTOX* *BOOOOOOOM*

"LOOKS LIKE TEAM ROCKET IS BLASTING OFF AGAAAAAaaaaaaain . . . ."

Vegeta: Good riddance.

WINNER:  To be continued.

ROUND 7.  Cologne vs. Katsuhito (Yosho) Masaki.

Vegeta: My money is on the dried up old fart.
Bryan: That narrows it down a bit.

We arrive in the dark arena where the battle is already in progress.  The
fight had already gone on for many hours, and there was seemingly no end in
sight.

Zechs: Why do I have a dread feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Vegeta: Because Peter wrote this.
Zechs: That has to be it.

  It was an intense struggle to see who was the fastest, the
strongest, the cleverest, and the best at the art of combat.
"Got any twos?"  asked Cologne.

All: Collective face-fault.

"Go fish." Said Katsuhito.
Yes everybody, this is the most intense battle we have seen so far.

Ryoko: What's sad is, for this fic, that's the truth.

  Who
will come out the victor?  How will there be any conclusion to this battle?

Vegeta: As per the other battles, third party interference.
Zechs: I expect compensation for this.
Rei(on Speakers): And people in Hell want ice water.

WHAT will be the conclusion of this battle?  What will happen if there is a
tie?  Will they bring a foreign object into the ring?

Zechs: Does the sword Tenchi count?

Neil, did you eat
your chunky soup?

Vegeta:(as Neil): Yes mama.

  Who wrote the book of love?

Bryan: It was either Shakespeare or Weird Al. I can never keep that 
straight.

  Why the hell am I writing
this?

Ryoko: Well, if you don't know, how the hell do you expect US to?

  Who removed the fourth wall?

Zechs: There was a fourth wall here?

  What is the meaning of life?

Bryan: 42.


And the
most important question of all

Bryan: Who is Eric Cartman's father?
Zechs: How do they cram all that Graham?
Ryoko:How many licks DOES it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a 
Tootsie Pop?
Vegeta: What is the sound of one hand clapping?

"Got any threes?"
Will Cologne have any threes?!?!?

All: Lean forward in anticipation.

"Sure, here."  The withered prune on a-uh, I mean the leader of the Chinese
Amazon tribe, obviously did not realize that she had just literally thrown
the battle away.
Katsuhito added the card to the one he had in his hand, and slammed them
down on the table.
"WINNER, MASAKI!!!"  announced the announcer over the loud speaker.
In a calm and mature manner, Katsuhito stood up, and started doing a
victory dance.  All the while saying "Nyah-Nyah!!  I win!!  You loose!!
Ha-Ha!!"
Cologne shrugs, puts down the rest of her cards, and jumps into Katsuhito’s
arms, saying "AIREN!!  WU AI NE!!"

Bryan: (shudder): A fate worse than death.


Katsuhito’s scream was the scream heard around the world.

WINNER:  Katsuhito (technically)

ROUND 8.  Hikaru Gosunkugi vs. Kain.

Zechs: This is a fight?

In this corner, weighing at roughly two thousand gallons, considering that
he is technically an aqueous life form, and standing at seven feet, two
inches tall, the A-1 class criminal, Kain!!!

Ryoko: Boo! Hiss!

And in this corner, weighing at ninety seven pounds, one ounce, at the
height of a little over four and a half feet, standing in a puddle of his
own piss, with a snot bubble in his nose, and tears streaming down his face,
the challenger, Hikaru Gosunkugi!!!

Bryan: That was quick.

WINNER:  Kain.

ROUND 9.  Shampoo vs. Ryo-oh-ki, again.

We are back in the previous battle area between the two combatants.
Shampoo wipes the last few bits of Ash from her claws, and readies for the
attack.  Ryo-oh-ki changes back to cabbit form, and does likewise.  They are
about to attack, when a loud noise was heard.  The noise of two people
crashing through a brick wall.

"OOOH!!! SO CUTE!!!"

All: AH! They've found us! RUN! RUN!

Ryo-oh-ki and Shampoo both stare in horror for a few moments, and then
scramble away as fast as they can.  They are quickly followed by a woman
with dark blue hair, and a brown hared girl in a pink dress.
"Josephine!!  Josephine!!"
"Here kitty-kitty-kitty-kitty!!!"
"NYOOOW!!!!!"
"MIYAAAAAAAAAH!!!!"

WINNER:  Misaki and Azusa.

Bryan: Who's in the lead so far?
Zechs: Ranma characters 4, Tenchi characters 5.

ROUND 10.  Kiyone Makabe vs. Happosai.

Ryoko: I can't watch.

"HELP!!!  HELP!!!  GET IT OFF OF ME!!!  GET IT OFF OF ME!!!  HELP!!!"

Bryan: -_- " That was expected.

WINNER:  Happosai.

ROUND 11.  Washu Habuki vs. Ranma Saotome.

Ryoko: Urp. I really can't watch.

"HELP!!!  HELP!!!  GET IT OFF OF ME!!!  GET IT OFF OF ME!!!  HELP!!!"

Ryoko: MOTHER! You're embarrassing me!

WINNER:  Washu.

ROUND 12.  Soun Tendo & Genma Saotome vs.  Azaka & Kamidake.

Bryan: Evidently, they survived their encounter with Akane.

The battle arena is pretty much empty.  Only the two teams of combatants
are at the center.  Azaka and Kamidake look worse for wear, many mallet
dents still in their surfaces.  Soun and Genma actually look thoughtful.

Zechs( snorts) : THEM!

"You know, Tendo.  I’ve been thinking."

Bryan: This is a feat that will surely plunge us backwards.

"Oh, then please by all means continue, Saotome."
"Remember when the master used to have us train by forcing us to make
firewood, by smashing tree stumps into smaller pieces?"

Vegeta: Ya call that training? Why, where I come from, that's considered 
R&R.

Azaka and Kamidake get large sweatdrops on the backs of their upper
portions.  They do not like where this conversation is going.

"Ah, yes.  We must’ve gone through hundreds of trees, before the master
would let us finally warm ourselves by the fire."
"So, I was wondering.  If we did all of that, and we are even more stronger
than we were back then, then why should this be a hard battle for us?"

Zechs: Well, aside from their abilities to generate force fields, that is...

"Good point, Saotome."

"Uh-oh."  Say both Azaka and Kamidake, at the same time.

"GET EM!!!"  Soun and Genma both try to strike at the rapidly retreating
guardians.
" ‘This’ll be easy’ you said!  ‘They can’t possibly be as bad as that girl
with the hammer’ you said!"

Ryoko: Well, they can't!

"Just hush up, and keep running!!!"  The two logs were chased right out of
the arena.

WINNER:  Soun and Genma.

ROUND 13.  Washu Habuki vs.  Happosai.

Bryan: No matter who wins, this could be very disturbing.

The scene for this fight is in Washu’s lab.  Washu is standing behind a
desk, with Happosai strapped to a metal table in the background.

Vegeta: Kinky.

"Good evening."  Says Washu.  "For those of you just joining us, our
previously scheduled experiment of examining the anatomy of a toad, has been
canceled for . . ."

Zechs: If she was going to dissect Happosai, wouldn't they still be 
examining the anatomy of a toad?

"WOO HOO!!!  EXAMENE ME BABY!!!  Take my temperature!  Take a sperm sample!

Ryoko: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

I needed a checkup, cutie pie!"  yells Happosai from the background.
Washu turns several shades of green,

Bryan: She's not the only one.

that clash with the color of her hair,
and tries to continue.  " . . . obvious reasons, and will not be done ever
again if I can help it."  Happosai gives a disappointed groan from the
background.  "So instead, I shall be doing a cooking lesson today."  Washu
puts on a chef’s hat.
"Ooo!  I bet I’m the main course, yeah baby?"  says Happosai.
Washu tries desperately to keep her smile.  "Today, we shall be learning to
make ‘Chard Pervert Flambe’.  First, take one pervert."

Ryoko(writing it down): Uh-huh. And then?

"I’m not ONE pervert!  I am THE pervert, sweet-cheeks!"

Zechs: Well, no one can accuse him of false modesty.
Vegeta: No one can accuse him of ANY modesty.

"And dump him into your incendiary furnace."  Washu pulls a lever, sending
Happosai down a hole.

All: HOORAY!

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaah!!!"  *FOOOOOOOM!!!*  A large gout of flame from the
hole, signals the end of the pervert.

Bryan: I wish I could believe that, but...

"That concludes the lesson for today.  Tomorrow we’ll-"
"Hey!!!  You tried to kill me!!!  I’ve fallen!!!  And I’m badly burned!!!"

Bryan: As I was saying, if he can survive the Happo-fire Burst, then that 
probably didn't do too much.

Okay, so that was not the end of him.  *THUD!!!*  That was.
"Ahem.  Tomorrow we’ll go through the importance of a portable dimensional
portal system, as well as the advantages of having large stone statues
around your lab."

Ryoko: Gotcha. Blunt objects to squish would be perverts. Check.

WINNER:  Washu.

ROUND 14.  Tatewaki Kuno vs. Ryo-oh-ki.

Vegeta: Oh not that guy! Please. We haven't done anything to deserve that!

This battle takes place in a grand arena.  Although the stands were packed,
they were now somewhat empty, as members of the audience started leaving for
some reason.  Kuno and Ryo-oh-ki, both in humanoid form, were at the center
of the arena.  Kuno was still making his beginning speech, and going on, and
on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on . . .


Bryan(as Kuno): Justice is slow but sure. I am the rising star of the kendo 
club, the undefeated, the...
Ryoko:(draws sword): Continue at your own risk.
Bryan: I'm shutting up now.

"No one shall stand in the way of my might, for I am the spirit of the
warriors past, the ultimate of the times, the best of the best of the best.
I am he who shall smite all darkness from this world.  I blah blah blah, big
word, blah blah, really big word, blah blah blah, yakity smackity, blah
(NOTE:  Rather than subject you all to the rest of this speech, I’ll just
skip to the end.  Is that okay with all of you?)

Vegeta: Thank you.

  THE BLUE THUNDER OF
FURINKAN HIGH!!!!"  *KRACK-KA-BOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!*
The sound of the lightning scares Ryo-oh-ki awake, and unintentionally set
off her personal defense system.  A laser beam shoots from the jewel on her
forehead, reducing the Blue Thunder, into a pile of Black Soot.

Zechs: Notify the family.
Bryan: Considering who that is, I think I'll pass.

*BEYOOOOOOOU* *ding* And he is done.
Various members of the Ranma ½ cast, and the Tenchi Muyo cast rush to the
scene.
"OH MY GOD!!!  SHE KILLED KUNO!!!"  screams Nabiki.

Bryan(as Nabiki): There goes next month's budget!

"HOW CAN WE EVER REPAY YOU!?!?!"  says Akane, to Ryo-oh-ki.

Ryoko: Just don't cook for her.

Ryo-oh-ki pulls a wooden sign out of nowhere.  [Carrots!  Lots and lots of
carrots!]
Meanwhile, Ranma is talking to Tenchi.
"Look, I didn’t realize you were so sensitive about that sort of thing."
Says Ranma.
"Okay, just don’t do that again." Says Tenchi.  "My doctor says that I’m
suffering from too much blood loss as it is.  Hey, want a pork-chop?"

All: URP!

"Hey, thanks.  Where’d you get em?"
"Oh, Mihoshi said she found them somewhere."
"Lucky girl."  says Ranma.  "She finds free food just lying around, and I
can’t hide the lunch Akane made for me, to save my life."
"OH, SO YOU’RE THE ONE WHO HID THE LUNCH I MADE FOR YOU!!!!"  says Akane.
"Uh-oh."  Would be the last thing Ranma would say for awhile.

*WHAMMO!!!*

"Honestly, he can be such a jerk, sometimes."  Grumbles Akane.
"Uh, want a pork-chop?"  says Tenchi, a large sweatdrop on the back of his
head.
"Thanks."  Says Akane.  As she eats the pork-chop, it reminds her of
something she was wondering earlier.  "Oh, by the way.  Have you seen my pet
pig anywhere?  Small, black, wares a yellow bandanna, answers to the name of
P-Chan?"

All: Whistle nervously.

"No, can’t say that I have."  Replies Tenchi, before taking a bite out of
the pork-chop.

Zechs: Well, that killed my appetite for about a year.

End.

Ryoko: Thank God. IT'S FINALLY OVER!
Bryan: Not quite. Remember. Suzuki always does this as well.

AUTHOR’S NOTES:

Ryoko: Oh. Yeah.

Actually I was inspired to write this when I read about another short Fan
Fic about a battle between Tenchi and Ranma.  In that one, Tenchi won the
battle when Ryoko knocked Ranma out by hitting him on the head with a
foreign object (Mayuka)

Ryoko: ^_^ Well, she can come in handy at times.

. . .  I guess that would mean sometimes stupid
stories are inspired by other stories.

Bryan: Please stop trying to justify this, Peter. You're only making it 
worse for yourself.

Okay, I admit that I’m feeling sorry about that last MST that I recently
did.  Just because some of the jokes are similar, in other MST’s, I got a
complaint.  Well, that got me considering the fact that I really had no
stories of my own that were MSTd.

Bryan: That was before Glyph Bellchime and I came along.

Because of this, I’m actually publishing
this short Fic, with this notice.

NOTICE:  I decree that this Fic is probably the stupidest, dumbest, and
most off beat Fic that I have ever allowed to be posted.

Bryan: Oh Peter, don't be so modest. We've seen some of your other stuff.
Rei(on Speakers): Don't remind me.
Ryoko: What is it with you and sticking me and Ayeka together, anyway, 
Suzuki?

Someone, ANYONE,
please MST this thing.

Bryan: Done.

  Spencer, Shade, Brian,

Zechs: Hey, he misspelled your name.
Bryan: No. Different Brian. I wasn't here yet when this was posted.

the guy who said bad things
about "A Secret Confession", MST THIS DARN FIC!!!   Team Rocket makes an
unscheduled guest appearance!!  That’s got to be worth a joke or two!!!

Bryan: Vegeta?
Vegeta: We did about four, I think.

Wait!  Where are you going!?  Don’t leave!!!

Bryan: But we're all done here. We're going home now.

I’m serious!  I’d MST it
myself, but my group would kill me in the first act, and besides I want to
see some one else do it!!!  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!

Zechs: His group must have gotten him.

And there you have it.  This will be up for grabs, to all who wish to try
their hand at MSTing it.  Have fun.  ^_^

Bryan: Only if we were masochistic.
Ryoko: You mean you aren't?


Peter Suzuki.

Bryan: We will meet again. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!