FanFictions, the bizarre frontier. These are the voyages of the MST ship USS Brain Drummond. Its unending mission, to seek out the lame, to find the silly, to mock the self-inserts, and to boldly toast lemons to shishkabob. The brave crew, none of whom are owned by me and all of whom are used without permission (Please don't sue. I'm not making money on this, and it's out of love of the characters.), wait for their next mission, and hope that someday, they can go home... Bryan sat once more in the command chair. "But I thought I was the pilot," Rei said. "Yes, but I still have to calibrate the systems. So today, you get to sit on the MST board." "I see." Roll Call: Ryoko: "I never wanted to do this!" Vegeta: "Why am I here?" Zechs Merquise: "Will I never know peace?" Rei Ayanami: "How is it that I don't rate top billing?" Temporary pilot, Bryan Weber: "Free at last! Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!" Bryan addressed the crew: Please report to the theater. We have fanfic. I repeat, please report to the theater. We have fanfic. Forever united. Vegeta: Is this gonna be another lemon? By Chewy Zechs: Is that Chewy as in Chewbacca, or is it Chewy as in gum, or is it Chewy as in we don't wanna know? Ryoko: At least it's not Sticky. Disclaimer: I don't own any of this, Evangelion or Rei, Rei: YES! They don't own my butt. heck I don't own the computer, Zechs: Oh, now that's just sad. Vegeta: Like you have your own system? You just use Bryan's. Zechs: Shut up! I have no money, Vegeta: Nobody ever does, kid. Ryoko: It's why I took to piracy. Rei: You'd think that with how we risk our lives, they'd pay us, but nooooooooo! Zechs: NERV doesn't pay you? Rei: NERV? I was talking about Bryan and his fellow MST captains! Bryan(on speakers): Er...um... and I have no desire to have money in gross amounts. Ryoko: Bull! Vegeta: Maybe not. Maybe he's one of those...whatchamalits...Zechs? Zechs: I believe the word you're looking for is altruist. Vegeta: Yeah, one of those nutjobs. Rei: I happen to save the world without asking for anything in return, so you shut your mouth. No, I am not stoned. Vegeta: Nobody ever said you were. Ryoko: Guilty conscience? I will try to keep the all people in character. Zechs: Please! I support the idea of Shinji and Rei being together. Vegeta: Rei with that wuss boy? Ryoko: He's not THAT bad. Zechs: Rei? Rei:(blushing): Wellllllll.... Vegeta: Oh, come on! You're a clone of his mother, for God's sake! Rei: Unit 01 is his mother. I'm an Angel. Vegeta: No, Unit 01 IS a mother, as in a bad mother. Ryoko and Rei: Shut your mouth. Vegeta: But I'm only talking about Eva. Ryoko and Rei: We can dig it. She did die for him that one time, Rei: Yeah, so there. (sticks out tongue.) kind of a hint. Disregard everything from episode 23 and on, Rei: WHAT! Zechs: Uh-oh! Ryoko: Now you've done it, Chewy. Rei's real sensitive about this subject. Vegeta: Rei going ballistic is a sight that makes even ME cringe! Rei: Now just a minute, I had to get blown to bits, bandaged up, and do you have any idea how hard it was to do the scene where Dr. Akagi killed all my clones? That took months of filming in a glass jar full of water! along with the movies, Vegeta: Hit the deck! Rei: I didn't even get the body suit for that one! You know, the one that shows me without nipples in all of Shinji's dreams. I had to get up there in front of the camera butt freakin' naked with those huge wings on my back! And you want them to disreguard it? Oh, I'm so mad I could just explode! Ryoko: HEY! Calm down. We are not doing Fourth Impact here in this room! Zechs: Here here! We all have moments we aren't proud of. There's Gohan beating Vegeta in that first fight, or the arrow scene from Tenchi Universe for Ryoko, or the one where they force a stalemate on me in Endless Waltz. Rei: STILL! I mean, I worked hard on that stuff. It was some of my finest work. Fanboys drool over that image of me with wings. Ryoko: Well, I mean, no shame in being desireable, right sister? Bryan(on speakers): Will you guys get on with it?! Geez, we're still in the freakin'disclaimer for God's sake! except for the part were Rei realizes she really likes Shinji. Both ending were not worthy of EVA. Rei: So blame the director! Sheesh. Chewy Productions is greatly honored to present for the first time in recorded history: The Ayanami/Ikari Wedding. Rei: All's forgiven. Vegeta: Mood swings, anyone? I would like to thank Jeffrey "Oneshot" Wong and Jusenkyo Guide Zechs:(as Jusenkyo Guide): I no finish my tragic disclaimer. You no go there! for this one. Thanks guys ^_^. I also don't own Tenchi or Sasami or Tsunami. Kasami is the Child of Sasami/Tsunami and Tenchi. She has blue hair like her mother. I made her up. Zechs: Well, that goes without saying. Vegeta: Oh, you know you would have been lost if he hadn't said something. Ryoko: Will you two shut up! There's a wedding in progress, and Tenchi is involved somehow! No, I do not write lemons. All: HALLELUJAH! They are usually in really bad taste. Zechs: This guy isn't beyond hope! Ryoko: God be Praised. Rei: I'll take him the message later. Others: @_@ Deep in Terminal Dogma, a ceremony was being held. Vegeta: They were opening the Ark of the Covenant. Rei: Gendo-sama couldn't get ahold of it. Speilberg really buried it in that warehouse. A ceremony that's beginning had started seven years earlier. Ryoko: So this makes them, what? Twenty-one? Rei: Alright! Legal drinking age! Vegeta: Uh-huh. Sure. On a day when a girl willingly put herself in front of a boy whom she barely knew so that he could get a clear shot Vegeta: Of her in the buff. Rei: He'd already seen that. Zechs: Vegeta, this isn't a lemon. So maintain a moderate degree of decency, will you? , A day when a boy had opened that same girl's entry hatch Zechs: Not one word, Vegeta. Vegeta: I wasn't gonna say anything. And like you could stop me if I was! Rei: Actually, it wasn't the entry hatch. It was the emergency hatch. The entry hatch is the large sliding front door, not the manual door. Ryoko: Could you skip the play by play, please? alone to rescue her. It was the day of Rei Ayanami's marriage to Shinji Ikari (and vise versa). Rei: Aw. It's on the anniversary of our fight with Ramiel. Vegeta: Do we really need to know their names? Ryoko: I thought it was just a big block with a drill. Zechs: And are the Evas anorexic, or just on a diet? In a small room that had once been the meeting place where generals and strategists had sat to plan for war Zechs: I thought Commander Ikari was the highest ranking one at NERV. Rei: He was. Vegeta: That man gives me cold chills. now housed a small chapel. This chapel was where two souls were soon to be united into one unit, Vegeta: Halt the activation test! The Evas are at it again! Ryoko: Poor Yui! What a way to go. the sacred unit of husband and wife, which no angel or demon or any other being, cosmic or otherwise, could separate. Zechs: Actually, according to statistics, most marriages these days end in divorce. Rei: Will you stop stepping on all my dreams? I want to marry Shinji! Ryoko: Yeah! I have similar plans for Tenchi. Vegeta: Wuss boy and wuss boy junior. Ryoko mallets Vegeta, and Rei bounces him across the room with an A.T. Field. The people, whom had come from far and wide to witness this extraordinary event, Zechs: What's so special about it? I mean, weddings happen all the time. were seated. The lights lowered slightly and a Japanese wedding march began to play. The crowd looked to the back of the room and watched in awe as the bride walked down the aisle. Vegeta: Did they PAINT that gown on? Rei: 0_0 Ryoko: Um...Well, at least it shows off your...um...damn, I'm so depressed. Zechs: Puberty was kind, Miss Ayanami. Rei was dressed in a lavender dress that caught the eye of all present, including the priest Ryoko: HEY! I recognize that priest! And he'd better put those eyes back in his head and shut that jaw of his if he knows what's good for him! Vegeta: What? Can't take a little healthy competition? Ryoko: I hate you, I hate you, I HATE YOU! Vegeta: Aw. You say the sweetest things! Rei: Wh...What am I...who...wha... . She had grown in the past seven years Zechs: They tend to, don't they. . She now wore her hair in a ponytail that went down to her shoulders. Vegeta: I like it better short, actually. Rei: Hmmm. I don't know. The wild, uncombed look just fits me. Ryoko: I know what you mean. Still, it's not bad. But maybe untied would work better. Zechs: What is this, an MST or a fashion show? She had grown about 10 centimeters and her figure had filled out exceptionally well. Vegeta: I'll say! Whoa mama! Rei: Stop drooling over my future image, or I'll be forced to squish you in my Eva. Vegeta: Ooooo. I'm soooooo scared. She walked with a grace of a person who could be call euphoric. Ryoko: Euphoric people usually aren't watching where they're going. Rei: I wonder if he meant ethereal? Vegeta: Work those buns! Zechs: Vegeta, you are beyond hope. The person escorting her down the aisle was none other than Maya Ibuki. Vegeta: Akagi's little helper. Zechs: Bridge bunnies are a dying breed. Preserve them. Maya had volunteered after Rei had not been able to find anyone with the dignity to be her escort down the aisle. Vegeta: Given the rumors about the Lieutenant, I wonder what HER motives were. Zechs: Don't ask, don't tell, Vegeta. Vegeta: Like that scene in End of Evangelion left any room for doubt? Rei: Didn't the author tell you to disreguard that movie? Vegeta: Didn't you throw a hissy over that? As they reached the altar, Rei looked into the eyes of her beloved and smiled. Vegeta: I'm still not used to seeing that look on your face. Rei: What, you mean this? ^_^ Vegeta: Don't do that! It's unsettling! She had fought so hard and waited so long for this day to come. Rei: Then why didn't we marry at eightteen? She remembered when she had first slapped Shinji for insulting his father. Rei: Um, can we not bring that up? Vegeta: Guilty conscience, Rei? She remembered how after Gendo's disappearance, Bryan(on speakers): Damn rat bastard put up a hell of a fight, too. I almost didn't get him out the airlock. Rei: GENDO-SAN!? Shinji was there to lend her his should to cry upon when for the first time in her life she had felt grief. Rei(sobbing): GENDO! Oh, Gendo! Vegeta: Great going, Bryan! Bryan: She's better off without him. The guy's a prick! Vegeta: So am I, but you keep me around. Bryan: You don't treat Rei like a disposable commodity. Shinji was always there for her and now he always would be her side, night or day, well or sick, rich or poor, heaven or hell, for all eternity. Rei: All he had to do was ask, and we could have just done Third Impact and gotten it over with. Her smile brightened at this thought. Shinji, he was the only boy she had every loved, ever would love, ever will love! Rei: Gendo, on the other hand, was a MAN. (swoon) Ryoko: Tenchi's the only man for me. He had shown her that life was very much worth living, that even in the darkest night, a candle still burns for those who seek it. Ryoko: Someone open a window. It's getting a bit warm and fuzzy in here. Before she had Shinji, she had known no true emotions, Rei: I repeat, GENDO!!!! only negative ones Vegeta: What? Negative emotions aren't real? Zechs: Guess you've never felt any real emotions, either, Vegeta. Vegeta: Blow it out your shorts, Peacecraft. and these were not the emotions that she was feeling now. They were of hopelessness, sadness, anger, fear and depression. Rei:(as Ryoga): The world is a dark and lonely place... Vegeta: Now THAT'S comedy. She knew that even with Shinji by her side, life would not be perfect, Vegeta: There was Shinji's small wiener to deal with, after all. Rei(suddenly full Lilith mode, five miles tall and gleaming pure white light): CARE TO REPEAT THAT? but they would at least face them together. She offered her hand to Shinji and clasped it gently but firmly with his own. Rei then turned and faced the altar, a look of joy on her face. Vegeta: Insulin! I need insulin! Rei: You just have no romanace in your soul. Ryoko: Got that straight. Shinji watched as Rei walked gracefully down the aisle Zechs: Wasn't she just holding his hand? Vegeta: I think we're getting a replay from wuss boy's perspective now. Rei: STOP CALLING HIM THAT! . She was beautiful, the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life. Rei: I'll bet you say that to all the angelic blue haired girls. Zechs: I can only think of one other person who meets that description. Vegeta: And she's apparently had a child with Tenchi. Ryoko: IT'S NOT FAIR! Why does everyone think she's so damn cute? Vegeta: Don't you think she's cute? Ryoko: THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT! Seven years ago, he would not have recognized her. She had grown in so many ways; Vegeta: And some very appealing ones, too. she was no longer an emotionless little girl. Rei: I was never emotionless! You try being strangled at the age of five by a madwoman and see how open and expressive you are! Zechs: Still waters run deep. She was now a vessel of hope and love; Vegeta: Fitting, considering that she was named after a World War 2 battleship. Rei: At least I wasn't named after a vegetable. she was what mattered to him most in the entire world. He prayed that he would always be there to protect her, no matter how dark the world appeared. Zechs: Don't worry, Shinji. If the movies never happened, then it can't really get that dark. Vegeta: No joke! I needed a major dose of prozac after that. Ryoko: I fell asleep halfway through. Rei: It's nice to see where your loyalties are, guys. She was his happiness, the only star in his sky. She was his little Rei of sunshine; Vegeta: THAT was bad. Rei: Ok, I'll give you that one. she was all he would ever need. Shinji noticed her smiling at him and he smiled back. He then gently took her hand when she offered it to him. He then turned and faced the altar. Vegeta: Well, it's always good to pay attention during these things. Hands clasped together, they turned and faced the altar as one. The priest began to speak "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the sight of the almighty to see the holy union of these two young people", the priest said with a smile. He could see the love that this man and woman had for each other. Rei: Well, it should be obvious that I was made for him. Vegeta: Literally. Rei: You're asking for it. That made him smile, he glanced over to his daughter who was acting shrine maiden and winked. Tenchi was very proud of his daughter, Kasami, who was a spitting image of her mother. Ryoko: not fair...just not fair... Zechs: There, there. You get him in all the movies and the series. Ryoko: Yeah, but even when fanfic writers give him to me, there's always alot of pain and hardship involved. Vegeta: Nothing worth doing is ever easy, kid. Until he had met the bride, he thought that she and his wife, Tsunami was only people on earth with blue hair. Vegeta: You need to get out more, Masaki. Ami-chan has blue hair too. And so does that Neptune gal. Ryoko: You and your Sailors... He knew that the love that these two shared was probably equal to his love for Sasami, Rei: At least. or Tsunami Bryan(on speakers): Ok, Tsunami means big waves, and Ayanami means rippling waves as near as I can tell. Is there some rule that ethereal chicks with blue hair have to have water based names? as she to those who were not close to her. He would do anything; give anything, he would happily give his life for either of them, Kasami or Sasami. Now another couple could hopefully find the happiness that he and Sasami had found, it was his duty as a priest to perform this sacred rite. Ryoko: If he ever does marry Sasami, they're gonna need a priest alright...to perform LAST rites! Tenchi continued, "Marriage is an institution built on love, honor and union of two souls, two souls that are at present standing before me. If there is anyone in this room can give cause to why these two may not be wed, speak now or forever hold they're peace." Vegeta: SHE'S HIS MOM, DUDE! Rei: Will you SHUT UP!? I am not his mother! Zechs: Well, she is half angel, so I guess technically she's more like his sister. Rei: You're not helping, Zechs. Several moments past and no one said anything. "Good. Do you Rei Ayanami, take Shinji Ikari to be your lawfully wedded husband, to honor and love, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer as long as you both shall live?" Vegeta: Wait, if Tenchi is a shrine priest, why is he performing a Catholic marriage vow? Rei: Well, I AM an angel, after all. Some protocols just don't get changed. Rei replied, "As long as I draw breath from my body, I swear I will love Shinji Ikari until my dying day. I do, with all my heart, I do." Rei: Now I'M going into sugar shock! Tenchi then turned to Shinji and said "Good, do you, Shinji Ikari, take Rei Ayanami to be your lawfully wedded wife, to honor and love, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer as long as you both shall live?" "Rei is my world, I will do anything and everything to make her happy. I do." Vegeta: Can't you just say "yes" like normal people? Rei: Oh, shush. Tenchi then motioned to Kasami to bring the sake. Rei: Party Time! Kasami brought the tray over to the waiting couple and poured them each a cup of sake. After reciting sacred passages, Tenchi said, "Who has the ring?" Little Yuki Suzuhara giggled as she brought the rings forward. Zechs: Hey, since we're cutting all the negetive stuff here, is Toji still missing half his limbs, or not? Vegeta: Now there's a guy who had it rough. I mean, after they amputated, we never even saw him again! Tenchi then said " Rei Ayanami, repeat after me. 'With this ring, I thee wed.'" Rei recited "With ring, I thee Wed." he then turned to Shinji and said "Shinji Ikari, please repeat after me. 'With this ring, I thee wed.'" Shinji then recited "With this ring, I thee wed." Tenchi smiled at Rei and Shinji and said "It is my honor to pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride." Vegeta: Well, if you insist... Rei: Do it and die. In the background, a very pregnant Hikari Suzuhara could be heard bawling. Zechs: She always cries at weddings. The kissed, a kiss that united them, body and soul, of all time. Vegeta: Oh, so we did have Third Impact, then. After this was done, Tenchi turned to all those present and said, " It is my privilege to introduce to you, Mr. and Mrs. Shinji and Rei Ayanami." Bryan(on speakers): Now I'm all confused. It's Hikari Suzuhara, but it's Shinji Ayanami? Could we get the name rules straight, here? There was applause that could be heard outside of the Geofront. Yui Ikari looked down from heaven on to the young couple and smiled, Zechs: Hey, what's she doing there? I thought she was in Unit 01. Vegeta: Well, that was seven years ago, though. Maybe she got tired of sitting in some warehouse. She then turned to Achika Masaki and said, "I told Shinji I was going to show him a bright future." They both burst out laughing. Zechs: That was weird. Vegeta: Well, it could have been worse. It could have been a lemon. Ryoko: At least we don't have to sit through the honeymoon. Rei: I liked it. Others: YOU WOULD! Bryan: It wasn't bad. The End only of this story, but a true story never ends. Bryan: Unless you count the movies and the series...those were pretty damn final.