Disclaimer: Tenchi belongs to AIC and Pioneer, The Rocky Horror Show belongs to Richard O' Brian. NOTES: Well, it had to happen some time. In my view anyway. Yes, in my infinite stupidity, I have in fact parodied the ENTIRE Rocky Horror show, including dialogue. So, here it is, in full form: THE TENCHI HORROR SHOW!!!! The roles have been swapped, so the 'equivelent' characters are written here for easy access. Nobuyuki - Brad Achika - Janet Mihoshi - Eddie Washu - Frank N Furter Yosho - Riff Raff Ayeka - Magenta Ryoko - Columbia Tenchi - Rocky Kiyone - Dr. Scott Kagato - Narrator (The Kaggator, you could say) Also guest starring: Sesami as Pretty Sammy And Ryo-Ohki as herself Songs, in order, with singers: 1- MARTIAL LEMON - ANIME EXPO * Ayeka 2- DAMN, ACHI-SAN * Nobuyuki Achika 3- OVER THE LEMON\LIME PLACE * Achika Nobiyuki Yosho 4- THE LIGHT HAWK * Yosho Ayeka Ryoko Kagato 5- SWEET PAEDOMORPHIC * Washu 6- THE MASTER KEY * Tenchi 7- I CAN MAKE YOU ASCEND * Washu 8- GOSH GOLLY, HOKEY POKEY * Mihoshi 9- I CAN MAKE YOU ASCEND (reprise) * Washu Achika All 10- TENCH-A TENCH-A TENCH-A TENCHI * Ryoko et al 11- SWEET LITTLE CHILD Nobuyuki 12- MIHOSHI'S KAREOKE * Kiyone Kagato Washu Yosho Achika Mihoshi 13- CREATURE FEATURE * Washu Achika All 14- ECCHI MY WORLD * Achika Nobuyuki Tenchi Ryoko 15- DON'T FIGHT IT, WRITE IT Washu Nobiyuki Kiyone Achika Ryoko 16- A CHILD WITH AN UNNAMED PAIN * All 17- I'M ON MY OWN Washu 18- SUPER SAIYANS * Nobuyuki Achika Kagato 19- MARTIAL LEMON - ANIME EXPO (reprise) * Ayeka WARNING: LIKE THE ORIGINAL ROCKY HORROR SHOW, THIS CONTAINS SOME QUITE SEXY CONTENT! IT IS NOT LEMON, BUT IT IS CITRUS IN FLAVOUR, AND SO ARE ALL THE SONGS! ONLY READ ON IF YOU HAVE EITHER SEEN THE ORIGINAL SHOW OR THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT! SCRIPT: Notes: Anything in brackets is stage direction, anything in brackets and speech marks is a song. ("Martial Lemon- Anime Expo") (Church Bells in the Background. Bulma and Vegeta exit the church, both looking flusted in full wedding dress. A crowd of freinds, including Nobuyki and Achika are around. Photographers crowd round the wedded man and women. Bulma offers Vegeta he bouquet, and he, mistaking her actions, throws it up. Achika catches it. Applause from the surrounding crowd, who clear away when the couple get into a car marked "Wait till the wedding night to find out if all a Super-Saiyan's hair goes yellow".) Achika: Oh, Nobu-san! Wasn't it wonderful? Only yesterday she was just plain Bulma Breifs- and now she is Bulma- Princess of All The Saiyans! Nobuyuki: Oh yes, Achika! Vegeta's a lucky guy. Achika: Yes! Nobuyuki: Everyone KNOWS Bulma's a TERRIFIC lover. Achika: Yes! Nobuyuki: It's too bad that all the Saiyans are dead and all. Achika: Yes! ("Damn- Achi-san") (Scene moves to Kagato's quaters. It is a small room with a library of books, a desk, a globe and a lamp. A strange energy feild glows around the whole area. The room has no real walls or ceiling. Kagato himself is sipping Tea) Kagato: I would like, if I may, to tell you on a strange story. It seemed a when Nobuyuki Masaki and his fiance Achika Jurai two ordinary, normal, heathly animes left Okyama that late Novermber eveing to visit a Miss Kiyone Makibil, ex-law enforcer and now freind to both of them. It was true there were dark storm clouds- heavy, black and pendulous, towards which they were driving. But they, being characters from an anime and on a night out, were not likely to show any sense in this situation...on a night out. It was a night out they would remember for a very, VERY long time... (Nobuyuki and Achika are driving through a stormy night, listening to some weird songs on the radio) Nobuyuki:Hmm... What's the matter Nobu-san? Nobuyuki:I think that's a dead end ahead...we should turn back... That's the fourth dead end road we've come past. We'll never get into Tokyo at this rate! (There is a small explosion) Nobuyuki:Oh, darn, Achika! What was that bang? Nobuyuki: It seems that even the mention of (pause) 'The Matchstick City' was enough to make the engine explode! I knew I should have put an Anime guard on it! Audience: ASSHOLE! Nobuyuki: You'd better stay here and keep warm while I go for help... Achika: Where will you go? We're in the middle of nowhere! That's why we live here- to avoid the tax inspector and people who might say there are too many women in our house... Nobuyuki: Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles? Maybe they have a vidphone, or at least a psued-space portal we could use... Achika: I'm coming with you! Nobuyuki: There's no point in both of us getting wet! Achika: I'm coming with you! Besides, darling...the owner of the castle will probably be one of these 'hentais' we keep hearing about, and you may never come back! Both: (laugh uproarisously at this incredible wit) ("Over at the LemonLime place") (There is a flash of lightening as Nobuyuki and Achika approach the castle.) Achika: Ooo! Nobuyuki: It's all right Achika. Achika: Oh Nobu-san! I want to go back...I'm cold and I'm frightened! Nobuyuki: Just a moment, Achika. (He rings the bell.) Nobuyuki: They may have a videophone. (The door creaks open, revealing Yosho the Handyman. He is white haired and shifty looking, clad all in black.) Yosho: Heeeelllloooo. Nobuyuki: Er...hi there. We're in a bit of a spot...are car has spontaneously combusted... do you have a phone we might use? Ysoho: Your...wet. Achika: Yes! The RAIN has been VERY heavy... Yosho: That's not what I meant Nobuyuki: Er...yes. Yosho: Yes. (Thunder) Yosho: I think you'd better both...COME INSIDE. Achika: Your too kind. (Kagato again) Kagato: And so- it seemed that after braving the weather and some not to little time, Achika and Nobuyuki had finally found the "help" they required....or had they? There was certainly something about this house, and this strangly familiar old man who had greeted them, that made them both uneasy and apprehensive...still, if they were to get through the night, they would have to take advantage of any "help" offered to them... (Yosho leads them into the lobby, a small round room with two sets of huge double doors, one to the inside, the other out. There are two statues in the lobby, both of women in black clothes who are holding a globe. There is a hole in the center of the floor, which looks dangerously wide.) Yosho: Wait...here! (Yosho leaves, locking the 'inner door' behind him) Achika: Oh Nobuyuki! What kind of a place is this? It's probably a training lodge for those Z senshi weirdos. But your shivering! Achika: Yes! I'm wet. Nobuyuki: Hey! Feel this...there's hot air coming from this crack in the floor...come over here... (The air blows up Achika's skirt, and she holds it down.) Nobuyuki: Don't worry, Achika. No one else is here. I'll keep a look out for 'grandad'... Achika: Oh! Nobuyuki: For god's sake, Achika. Pull yourself togther. There's nothing to worry about...I'm here! (But Yosho has sneaked up behind them without being noticed, and breaths down they're necks evilly) Nobuyuki: Arggg! Excuse me, but if we could just make a call we'll be moving along. I'm sure you have a lot of things to and a great evening planned. Yosho: Oh, yes. You've COME on a rather special night...the Mistress is having a interesting 'affair'. Achika: Lucky her! (Suddenly one of the statues comes to life- it is in fact Ayeka, who has been posing. She drops her globe, which smashes loudly. Achika and Nobuyuki are understandably terrified.) Ayeka: Yes...she's lucky! I'M lucky- YOU'RE lucky... We're all lucky! (Ryoko, who is the other statue, drops her globe too and jumps down from her pedestal) Ryoko: You'd think that wouldn't you? Hah! Ayeka: Hah! Yosho: Hah! (Ayeka and Ryoko lead Nobuyuki and Achika through. Yosho stays behind, and talks to the crack in the floor) Yosho: Good boy...but you must stop blowing up women's skirts... (He throws a bit of food at the crack, and a tentacle whips out, grabs it, and disappears. Yosho then follows the others.) Ayeka: We ALL though we were lucky...all except Mihoshi... Ryoko and Yosho: Hiss! Ahcika: Mihoshi? Ryoko: The cabaret girl... Ayeka and Yosho: Hiss! Ayeka: Her beret wasn't good enough! Yosho: The Mistress only wanted to better her... position. Ayeka: Mmmm... Nobuyuki: That is very...comendible. Ypsho: Yes. It still think it was only yesterday since she went... Ryoko: You would think that, wouldn't you? Hah! Ayeka: Hah! Ryoko: Hah! Trio: Ahahahahahaha! ("The Light Hawk") Achika: Say something Nobuyuki! Nobuyuki: Er...hey, do you guys know "Manatsau Eve?" Achika: Oh, Nobuyuki! Let's get out...it seems so... perverted here! Nobuyuki: Look we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone. Achika: This isn't Anime Central Officer, Nobuyuki! Nobuyuki: Look, their probably...foreigners with ways different to out own. They may have some more... 'fight music'. Achika: Look, I'm cold, I'm wet and I'm just plain scared! Nobuyuki: But I'm here Achika- there's nothing to worry about! (While they are speaking Washu comes down in the Grand Lift, and sneaks up behind them, giving them both a shock.) ("Sweet Peadomorporphic") (As she sings, and gets to the second verse, she rips off her cloak revealing an all-leather sailor scout outfit...how terrible unsuitable for a little girl. Tut tut. At the end of the song, Washu disappears into the Grand Lift, and beckons invitingly to Achika and Nobuyuki) Nobuyuki (very freaked out): Don't worry Achika... everythings gonna be alright. We'll just play along for now and pull out the aces when the time is right. Achika: This is no time for card captors, Nobuyuki! Are you SURE were going to be okay? Nobuyuki: Oh, I'm sure Achika. Ryoko: Let's get you out of those wet clothes! Achika: Thank you...we...oh! (But it is too late. Ayeka starts stiripping Nobuyuki while Ryoko does the same to Achika. Yosho catches the clothes as they come off.) Nobuyuki: Arg! Er...hello...my name is Nobuyuki Masaki and this is my finacee Achika Jurai...and you are? Yosho: Very charmed to have such nice guests staying with us. I would love to get to know you better...not many people stop by here to see Washu. Nobuyuki: Not people like us, at any rate. Ryoko: You would think that, wouldn't you? Hah! Ayeka (pulling down Nobuyuki's trousers): Hah! Ryoko (ripping off Achika's blouse): Hah! (Our heroes are now in their underwear) Achika(to Yosho): Is she...Washu...your wife? (Ayeka and Ryoko laugh uproariously) Yosho(stiffly): The mistress is no yet married. Nor do I think ever will be...we are simply her servents. Ryoko: Speak for yourself! (turning to Achika and Nobuyuki) *I* am the daughter of the aforementioned Washu. Achika: Oh! She must be very proud to have such a strong and beatuiful daughter. Ryoko: You'd think so wouldn't you? Hah! Ayeka: Hah! Ryoko: Hah! Yosho: This way please. Achika: Oooo.... (Ayeka whips Achika) Ayeka: Shift it! (Yosho leads them to the Grand Lift, and lets everyone else get in first. Then he goes over to an out-of-place kitchen top, where there is a sink, an oven, a tumble drier and a dishwasher. He looks indecisive for a moment, and then puts all the clothes in the oven.) (They are led into the main lab, where Washu is waiting in a surgical gown. There are vats of sweets, caramel, sugar, toffee and fudge dotted around, all with tubes leading into a single, misted glass case at the center. There is a panel of swiches and lever on one wall, which Yosho walks over to and starts fiddling around. Washu bekons to Nobuyuki, Achika and their two escorts, and then stares at all 7 her work) Washu: Sugar...spice...and everything...mmmmm...nice. It's all the same, for men or women...do you follow? Achika: No. Nobuyuki: She's talking about making little girls and boys, Achika. Achika: Oh! So that's how you do it...I've often wondered... Washu: I wonder...can I offer you something refreshing? Nobuyuki: Yes please. Washu: No, I'm afraid your wrong. I can't right now... look, I'm in my operating gown. How dare you suggest that I mess with drinks at a time like this- no one should touch alcohol when they are about to perform a delicate operation. Nobuyuki: I'm sorry...I... Washu: No, don't worry. Yosho! (Yosho comes up with three large drinks, one of which Washu finishes with a single gulp) Washu: Anyway. How delightful to have fresh... faces around the place. Ayeka, Ryoko- go and assist Yosho. I will entertain... Nobuyuki: Nobuyuki Masaki. Washu: NOBuyuki-SAN! Nobuyuki: And this is my finacee Achika Yurai. Achika: JURAI. Washu: I prefer the first one, actually. Well...how nice. And what charming inadvertant reactions you have to my presence. (Nobuyuki tries to cover himself) Washu: Here...put these surgical gowns on. They will make you feel less...pressured. (She gives them some gowns which are several sizes too small, but they put them on anyway) Washu: We don't often recieve guests here...let alone show them whore...spitality. Nobuyuki: HOSPITALITY! All we wanted was to use your phone! A reasonable request which you have chosen to ignore! Achika: Don't be ungrateful Nobuyuki! Nobuyuki: UNGRATEFUL!!! Washu: My...how forceful you are Nobuyuki. Such a perfect example of manhood. So...DOMINANT! You must be very proud of him, Achika. Achika: Well...yes I am. Washu: Tell me Nobuyuki...do you watch any Hentai? Nobuyuki: CERTAINLY NOT! Washu: Oh well (turning to Achika) What about you? Achika: (giggles) Yosho: We are ready my mistress...we only await your...PRESENCE. Washu: Ah yes! Tonight, Nobuyuki and Achika, you are to witness a new breakthrough in confetionary- energy transference, and paradise is to be MINE! Achika: How...wonderful for you. Washu: Yes! It was strange how it happened...one of those moments when everything is black...your back is against the wall, you panic...your trapped... there's no way out...and even if there were it would probably be a one-way ticket to the bottom of the bay... Then suddenly- you get a break! All the pieces seem to fit into place. What a sucker you've been...what a fool! The answer was there all the time...but it took a small accident to make it happen. An accident. Trio: AN ACCIDENT!!!! Washu: That's how I discovered it! Yes...I was so sad I started overeating and then I found the truth in that old rhyme...the key to life itself is...CHOCOLATE! (The machines starting humming, and some 'fear of god' music starts playing in the background) Wahsu: Now! Yosho- step up the switches on the sweet-oscillation machines and step up the candidator power...THREE...MORE ...POINTS! Achika: Oooooooooo....! Nobuyuki(totally terrified): IT'S ALRIGHT ACHIKA! (All the different candy starts flowing into the glass cases, filling up a mould which is shaped like a teenage boy. Washu uses a lighening rod to pour electrical power all over the room, which Nobuyuki and Achika have to duck, and which bakes the mould into a solid form. The boy comes to life, and it is...TENCHI! He looks extremly worried, and takes a sword from his side. While doing battle with Yosho and running from Ryoko, Ayeka and Washu all at the same time, he sings:) ("The Master Key") Washu: Really...that's no way to behave on your first day out. Tenchi: Well...nobody's perfect. But I think you could have given me a few more muscles... Washu: You have been created using the GREATEST of inner strength...and now, my lovely little boy, you are ready for the ULTIMATE test! Tenchi: Ohdear. Washu: You know what I mean. Well, Nobuyuki, Achika- what do you think? Achika: Well, I don't like men who are that young... Washu: I DIDN'T MAKE HIM....FOR YOU!!!! He carries beauty and power...on the inside... ("I Can Make You Ascend") (Suddenly, a red battle suit bursts out of the 'deep freeze chamber', and flies around aimlessly a bit before landing and revealing...Mihoshi! Who sings...) ("Gosh Golley, Hokey Pokey" Mihoshi jumps out of the suit wearing a fluffy pink cabaret suit and dances around, dangerously on the gantry over the caramel vats while singing. Ayeka follows her round, kissing and whipping her alternately. Obviously they were quite close.) Washu(throws Mihoshi into the vat of carmel as she sings the last line): Get in there! Mihoshi: (Screams more) Ayeka: (sobs and screams) Washu: You enjoyed it last time...maybe becuase then it wasn't boiling hot! If you drink it all maybe you'll live...so it's a choice between delicious sticky death and fat thighs! Ahaha! (Washu turns back to the crowd as the sound of Mihoshi's gulping starts in the background) Washu: One from my chamber, I'm afraid. Tenchi: (looks really upset) Washu: Ohh...Tenchi...don't be so sad. It was a mercy killing, really...the girl was so silly she would have fallen in if I hadn't pushed her. I just spead up natures course. But now, we must turn our mind to other things, mustn't we? Your power comes from the inside. Mihoshi may have been a good looker on the outside... ("I Can Make You Ascend (reprise)" (After this the wedding march starts up. Tenchi and Washu go into rooms marked 'Changing Rooms', and Tenchi comes out wearing underwear whereas Washu has 'changed' into her adult for and nurse costume. The two go into Washu's (all green) bridal chamber, and the doors close on the site of her forcing Tenchi into a hug where he is nearly suffocated between her breasts) (Scene shifts to Kagato's quaters) Kagato: Some say that life is an illusion, and that reality, as we know it, is no more real than a animated cartoon on television. But there are some who have a far more...physical philiosophy. Those to whom emotions have ceased to have any value and whose 'research' is carried out by any means necessary... (In Nobuyuki's (all blue) bedroom, a curtain stirs) Nobuyuki: Hello? Whose there? Achika: It's just me, Nobuyuki. ("Achika" climbs into bed with Nobuyuki and starts kissing him.) Achika: Oh yes...yes, my darling... Nobuyuki: Oh,oh...oh...it alright Achika... everythings gonna be alright... Achika: Oh, I hope so my DARLING...just let me get this beaker... (Nobuyuki is going to kiss Achika again... but her wig falls off and reveals Washu.) Nobuyuki: YOU! Washu: I'm afraid so, Nobuyuki- but I have to get my samples some how, don't I Nobuyuki: Wh..what have you done with Washu: Nothing...yet! Nobuyuki: Why you...you tricked me! I wouldn't have... Washu: I know. But it wasn't all bad was it? Not really even half bad...in fact I think you found it quite...pleaseurable? So soft... so sensual... Nobuyuki: Oh no...oh, stop...oh Achika! Uh uh uh...ACHIKA! Washu: Shh! Achika's asleep now...do you want her to see you like this? Nobuyuki: Like this? Like how? Washu: Like this! Nobuyuki: Oh! It's your fault...your to blame! Washu: Oh, admit it! It WAS an enjoyable experience, wasn't it? And there's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure, is there? Unless of course you wear one of...WHAT?!! You WERE wearing one! Nobuyuki: Hah! I bet you thought you'd won there! Washu: Why you....I'LL TEACH YOU A LESSON! (Washu storms out, leaving Nobuyuki to get chaged into his blue dressing gown) (In Achika's (all pink) bedroom, the curtain stir) Achika: Hello? Whose there? Nobuyuki: It's just me Achika. ("Nobuyuki" climbs into bed with Achika and starts kissing her.) Achika: Oh yes...yes, my darling... Nobuyuki: Oh,oh...oh...it alright Achika... everythings gonna be alright... Achika: Oh, I hope so my DARLING... Nobuyuki: Just let me get this beaker... (Nobuyuki is going to kiss Achika again... but his wig falls off and reveals Washu.) Achika: YOU! OH NO! NO! Washu: I'm afraid so, Achika- but there's more than one kind of sample, you know! Achika: Wh..what have you done with Nobuyuki? Washu: Nothing...yet! Achika: Why you...you tricked me! I wouldn't have... Washu: I know. But it wasn't all bad was it? Not really even half bad...in fact I think you found it quite...pleaseurable? So soft... so sensual... Achika: Oh no...oh, stop...oh Nobu! Uh uh uh...NOBU! Washu: Shh! Nobuyuki's asleep now...do you want him to see you like this? Achika: Like this? Like how? Washu: Like this! Achika: Oh! It's your fault...your to blame! Washu: Oh, admit it! It WAS an enjoyable experience, wasn't it? And there's no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure, is there? Achika: N..no... Washu: Unless of course you forget to wear one of these. (There is a noise like a cork coming out of a bottle as Washu removes...something from the recesses of her...er..."happy kit") Washu: Oh Achika! You've wasted so much time already! Nobuyuki won't know...I won't tell him! Achika: Are...you...sure...you...won't...tell him? (Suddenly the speakerphone comes on and Yosho's voice is broadcast on it) Yosho: Mistress! The bridal suit is empty... Tenchi has vanished. Your knew playmate is loos and somewhere in the building! Washu: Oh damn...what a...ohmygod...COMING!!! (Washu runs off and leaves Achika alone in her bed. She runs up to the bridal suit, still putting on her green gown, where she finds Ayeka and Yosho. She quickly grabs Ayeka's whip, and gives Yosho what for.) Yosho: Arrrggg! Mercccyyyy! Washu: How did it happen?! I understood YOU were to be watching him! Yosho: I was only away for a moment. Washu: See if you can find him on the monitor! Oh, Tenchi...Tenchi... Yosho: I have located him, Mistress...in the main laboratory... (Yosho, Ayeka and Washu all look at the monitor, where they see Achika wandering...) (Achika is feeling very bad about what she has done...she goes walking and goes into the Grand Lift, and then into the main lab, where she kneels on the floor near the Honey vat and half speaks, half sobs) Achika: What's happening here? Where's Nobuyuki? Where's anybody! Oh,if only we hadn't made this journey! If only the car hadn't exploded! If only we were amongst freinds...or non-perverted people! Kagato: If and only. Two small words that repeated themselves over and over again in Achika's head. But it was too late to turn back now. It was if she was in the throes of a giant tidal wave of guilt...the only was to deal with it would be to aim straight for the eye of the storm. To adapt, to change, and perhaps...to forgive? Achika: I'm engaged to Nobuyuki! Just like Bulma was engaged to Vegeta! Oh...but Washu's kisses filled me with an ecstasy I'd never dreamed of...I could see Nobuyuki in front of me and I thought...no! But my lips were hungry...too hungry... Oh! Nobuyuki! How could I have done this? Oh what have they done with you? (Nobuyuki steps in, also looking sad and guilty, wearing his blue gown) Achika: Nobuyuki! I thought Washu said that you were sleeping...oh no! Nobuyuki: Achika! When did you talk to Washu? Achika: Er...I just happened to meet her on the stairs a second ago...I... Nobuyuki: She didn't come to you for a sample too, did she? When she came to I was protected against it, natuarally...so- did she? Achika: Well...no...I mean... Nobuyuki: Oh dear. Thank God neither of us gave her one...so to speak. Achika: Er...well...I... Nobuyuki: You mean you did!? Achika: Er... Nobuyuki: HOW COULD YOU? Achika: Oh, I'm so sorry... Nobuyuki: I should... (There is a creak as the lift opens) Achika: Oh no! Quick, Nobu-san- behind here! (Achika pulls Nobuyuki into a hiding place behind a honey vat. Ryoko comes in, looking worried.) Ryoko: Hello? Is anybody there? (She goes to the glass tank, where there is a sobbing sound.) Ryoko: Tenchi? Is that you? (She takes off the red silk cover to find Tenchi cowering inside.) Ryoko: You poor thing! Did they do this to you? Tenchi: Yes...they said I ought to go before Washu beat me... Ryoko: Oh! They'll pay for this...but first I'll dress your wounds... (She rips off a bit of her skirt to help Tenchi who has whip mark all over him...and he looks very scared indeed) Kagato: Emotion- an imbalance in the glands leading to a harsh or fevered state of mind. It can be an irrational and powerful master... and from what Nobuyuki and Achika witnessed from their hiding place in the main lab, Ryoko was quite clearly...it's salve! ("Tencha-Tencha-Tencha-Tenchi") (After Ryoko finishes singing, a sob is heard. But Tenchi and Ryoko are way past noticing anything other than...each other. Then a shadow moves across the wall and into the dining chamber.) Nobuyuki: My god? Who was that? Achika: I don't know...it looked like a little girl! Nobuyuki: I'll go and see who it was... Achika: Oh, Nobuyuki! Don't leave me! Nobuyuki: You'll be okay...those two won't wake up for a long time. (Nobuyuki goes into the dining room- it has a huge table stretching on to infinity, with a lot of red roses on every wall. In the room is Sesami...ne, Pretty Sammy, and Ryo-Ohki...) Kagato: Nobuyuki, being in the fevered state he was, cared not if his love was scared in not. However, as soon as he saw the strange apparition in the dining room, accompanied by her odd pet, the father in his heart came alive. It was indeed a little girl who had been in the Lab, and she looked lost and confused... (Nobuyuki sings, and comforts Pretty Sammy who is about to cry. He hugs her and strokes her hair, like, as Kagato says, a father) ("Sweet Little Child") Sammy: How wonderful for you to sing like that for me...now I will grant you the same favour I did for Ryoko and Tenchi! Nobuyuki: What's that? Sammy: I will show you forgiveness...and love for each other again... (Sammy raises her wand-thing and zaps Nobuyuki. His eyes immediately light up and he goes back to Achika.) Achika: Oh, oh...Nobuyuki! I feel such a strange sensation...I...I'm sorry! Nobuyuki: It's okay Achika. I was wrong too... I forgive you. Now- shall we...? Achika: Oh yes! Yes! Yes! (They pull a bit the cover away from Ryoko and Tenchi for themselves when...Washu comes in! All four lovers get up and look very sheepish. Yosho and Ayeka follow Washu in, looking shifty.) Washu: So! My own flesh and blood betrays me by defiling my little boy and my two guests prefer EACH OTHER to me!!!! What an Earth is going on!? Oh, Tenchiiiii! How COULD YOU?! (But before Washu can explode Yosho sees something on the monitor of the front gate) Yosho: Mistress...we have a visitor... in a G.P. uniform! (Achika notices it too) Achika: Miss Kiyone! Kiyone Makibi...our old teacher! Yosho: You know this dy... Washu and Ayeka: Hissss! Yosho:This...woman? Washu: So! This wasn't simply a chance meeting! You came here with a special purpose! Nobuyuki: That's not true! Our car broke down...I told you! Washu: I know what you TOLD me, Nobuyuki! But this Kiyone Makibi is not unknown to me! She is, I believe, a law enforcement officer attached to....THE VICE SQUAD? Isn't that right, Achika? Achika: Er...she may be...I don't know! Yosho: The lady is entering the building, mistress! Washu: Ah! She's in...the senshi room! Well, since you refuse to admit your part in this plot, we shall discuss this over dinner! Yosho, Ayeka- bring Kiyone here. Considering the current situation, formal dress...or any at all... is to be optional! Kagato: Food has always been an important event in human history...the breaking of bread, the last meal of a condemned man such as mys...well, that matters not. All that matters is that, informal as these proceedings might have been, it was sure that there was to be little in the way of 'bonami'... (At the huge dining table everyone is crowded ridiulously at one end. Yosho and Ayeka go around distributing wine and meat.) Washu(with forced niceness): A toast- to absent freinds. All: To absent freinds. Washu: And...to Tenchi. Happy birthday to you, happy brithday to you... All: Happy birthday dear Tenchiiii... Happy birthday to... Washu(cutting them off): Shall we? (They start eating the meat) Kiyone: So, Washu- what on Earth is happening here? What happened to the lab we were just in...and what am I doing here eating dinner with you? Washu: Come now, Kiyone...enjoy your food. What do you suppose I am going to do to spoil your meal? Kiyone: *I* suppose you intend to do with us...as you did with Mihoshi! Trio: Hisss! Washu: Ssh! What do you know of Mihoshi, Miss Kiyone? Kiyone: I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things. You see, Mihoshi just so happens to be my ex female partner! Nobuyuki:(extremely shocked) Miss Kiyone! Kiyone: Yes, Nobuyuki. I'm sorry to spring it on you like this...I knew she loved me like a sister and a freind, but when I found out she was here I knew it was worse than I imagined....LESBIANS! Trio: Hisss! Nobuyuki: Tell them, Kiyone... ("Mihoshi's Kareoke") Washu: Say a little prayer for Mihoshi. But now... would anyone like any...pudding? (Yosho passes around some caramel drenched sponge cake. Kiyone pulls out a hair from hers.) Kiyone: Eugh! What's this...it's...blonde! (Kiyone and Ayeka stare at the hair, and their eyes fill with tears. Ryoko looks very sick.) Ayeka: Would you excuse us...Mistress Washu? Washu: Very well. (Ryoko and Ayeka go outside. Kiyone keeps on sitting.) Ayeka and Ryoko: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! OH NO-OO-OOO! ARRGGGGGGGG!!!! (screechs and screams) (Then suddenky Ryo-Ohki bursts in and yowls at Washu. She tries to attack her with a spoon, but Ryo-Ohki pulls off the table cloth and reveals... a pit of heaving tentacles! Then she bound off into the shadows and Sammy collects her) Sammy (whuspering): Good girl, Ryo-Ohki! Washu: Alright! Enough of this romancing...get them! (Four tentacles dive out and grab Tenchi, Kiyone, Achika and Nobuyuki. Ayeka returns looking stoney faced, followed by an upset Ryoko) Kiyone: My legs! I can't move my legs! Nobuyuki: My...oh my god, I can move my... Achika: Arggg! The tentacles have tied us to the floor! Washu: Exactly- so quake with fear, you tiny fools! Yosho, set the Washu-nator on setting 50, secure all tentacles at 'rampant'! Tenchi: Oh noooooo! Ayeka: Silence or you will be punished! Kiyone: You won't find the G.P. quite the soft touch that you imagine, Washu! This Washu-nator...it is, I suppose, some kind of mentally-directed, mind altering, brainwashing device? Washu: You'd better believe it, Kiyo honey! Nobuyuki: You mean!!?? Kiyone: Yes, Nobuyuki. It's a device we have been working on ourselves for some time, but it seems our little Washu has found a way of perfecting it- a device which is capable of making anyone passive and unable to think for themselves, totally in the command of the controller! Achika: You mean we'll all end up brain dead like that poor Mihoshi creature? ("Creature Feature") (At the end of this the tentacles drag our heroes down into the pit while Ayeka keeps on singing, unaware that the music has stopped.) Washu: Ayeka, cool it baby. (Ayeka carries on singing) Washu: Alright Yosho- give her...the gas! (Yosho brings out a laughing gas backpack and sprays pink gas into the air at his finacee) Ayeka: (sings until stopping abruptly and screeching) YOW! YOUCH! WOW! WOOOOOHOO! Washu: Ryoko, my sweet- our performers are down in the pit being painlessly paralysed and... seen to right now. When that has been done, be a good girl and see that they are prepared for the floorshow. Ryoko: Oh god I can't take any more of this! We come to this planet full of good hopes and you just mess around! I really hate to say this, Mum... but you always spoil everything!! You won't even let me have a boyfreind! IT'S SO UNFAIR!!!!! (Another Tentacle comes out of the pit and drags Ryoko in) Washu: It's not easy having a family...all my children turn on me in the end. Tenchi, Ryoko, Mihoshi...maybe I made a mistake in running all their brains off the same crystal battery... Ayeka: When do we return to Jurai, Misstress Washu? The coup is ready and planned...I grow weary and a little...sick (thinks of Mihoshi)...of this world. Washu: Ayeka...I am indeed grateful to both you and your finacee Yosho. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded...and you will find that when the mood takes me I can be very generous. Ayeka: I ask only my rightful place at the throne of Jurai. Washu: Well, I'm sure they still need someone to polish it. Come- our guests will be growing restless! Kagato: And so, by an (Next time we see Washu she is going through a clothes 'shop' built in the castle. She piles loads of outlandish clothes on her trolley, and then dressed the naked bodies of her 'artistes' (who have been paralysed by the tentacles) in them- Tenchi and Nobuyuki are dressed as kinky doctors, Ryoko, Kiyone and Achika in the 'operating' gear of equally kinky nurses. They have an awful lot of sequins and dazzely bits on too, as well as a feathed boa, and a VERY long stethescope each. Tenchi and Achika are in pink, while Nobuyuki and Kiyone are in blue. Ryoko is, like Washu, in mainly green and white. Ayeka and Yosho are nowhere to be seen. Then she sets them up on a stage, where the backbeat (which has been playing in the background all this time) grows louder and the artistes are complelled to sing...) ("Ecchis My World") All five of the artistes do a raunchy dance, pupeteered by A and B, who are in the lighting deck of the stage. After this, the curtains at the back are drawn to an immense fanfare of bugles, revealing adult Nurse Washu, in front of a huge 'Pioneer' eye symbol. She bekons Ryoko to join her. The two of them start singing "Don't Fight It, Write It", and prepare to dive into two opposite hot spring pools. The diving boards extend slowly, and when they jump in, the other four are released from their 'strings' and go to get in to. Tenchi and Kiyone go and join Ryoko, while Achika and Nobuyuki go to Washu. They all start kissing, licking, biting, nibbling, carassing, sucking, hugging, stroking, fondeling and undressing each other under the water. Then, as they finish, Washu leaps out of the water (now even less clad than before) and starts singing "Child With An Unnamed Pain". The others join in, in a can-can leg kicking type dance. But suddenly- Yosho bursts in with Ayeka in traditional Jurain gear, with their Light Hawk Wings up and the Tenchi-Ken alight. Behind them, in the lobby, they have landed Tsunami, whose landing platform is lowered) Kiyone: My god! That's a sword! Yosho: Yes, Miss Kiyone- a sword capable of destroying even the greatest swordsmen in the galaxy! Washu: No! Wait! I can...explain... (Ryoko and Tenchi turn the stage light on Washu, who sings "I'm On My Own") Yosho: Well, Washu...it would seem you are not quite alone. In fact we have another prisioner in the ship who you may be...familiar with. Washu: What? Who? (Washu runs into the ship. Inside she finds a small room with a library of books, a desk, a globe and a lamp. A strange energy feild glows around the whole area. Kagato is sitting at the desk.) Washu: Kagato! Your here! But...how? Kagato: Well, Washu...you could say I've been here all along. Will going to jail be quite so unpleasent...now that your with me? Washu: You beast! I left to get away from you... but... (Washu looks back outside, seeing her daughter with Tenchi) Washu: Now Ryoko has found a home here...I guess I could give you another try. Kagato: Thankyou...my darling. (Outside) Nobuyuki: But what WAS her evil plan for a coup? Kiyone: Don't worry about details Nobuyuki...you saw what became of Mihoshi. Knowing too much is sometimes dangerous. Yosho: Exactly, Miss Kiyone...by the way I'm sorry about Miss Mihoshi... Kiyone: It's...it's okay by me. (There are some groaning sounds with an echoy quality in the background) Achika: Wh...what's that? Nobuyuki: It sounds like it's coming from...THE CARAMEL VAT! (They all go off to the caramel vat, which is indeed the souce of the noises, and they drag out and exceedingly plump Mihoshi with caramel all over her face and down her cheeks. She can't even speak, since there is still caramel in her mouth. Kiyone looks half exhasperated, half relieved.) Kiyone: Oh, Mihoshi... Mihoshi: Mphmmm mphmmy Kiyone... Ayeka:(stepping forward and taking out her whip) Overeating again! You must be punished for this, my beautiful Mihoshi! Kiyone: You keep your hands off her, Ayeka! Yosho: Yes, my darling...you and I still have our marriage to see to. Ayeka: (Remembering embarrassedly) Oh, yes of course Yosho my dearest half-brother! I had fortgotten in the context of all of Washu's (she shudders) fevered lesbianism. I was worried that we would never be together. Yosho (turning to the others): Tenchi, Ryoko...Miss Kiyone, Nobuyuki and Achika. You must leave before it is too late. Our blast off may destroy this old place... Kiyone: Okey dokey. (They all go off, leaving Yosho and Ayeka. All we hear is, as Kiyone leaves supporting Mihoshi, her saying "to tell you the truth... I always preffered larger women..." Yosho and Ayeka go into the ship, where Washu and Kagato are locked up in the study together looking through old photo albums, and being very happy. Yosho starts off the auto- launch procedure with the Tenchi-Ken, and the rotors start whirring loudly.) Yosho: Our noble mission is almost complete my most beautiful half-sister...and soon we will return to our beloved planet! Ayeka: Ah...sweet Jurai...land of pom-pom clothing pink hair...to sing and dance once more to your light refrain...to put once more my hand on your hilt... Yosho: But it's the forward thrust! All: That really deep fries your brai-ai-ai-in! Ayeka: And soon...our world will do The Light Hawk Again!!!! (The ship launches off, and, as Yosho suspected, the old house is destroyed as it takes off, leaving Nobuyuki holding Achika, Kiyone holding Mihoshi, and Ryoko holding Tenchi all in a big cloud of steam. Achika, Nobuyuki and Kagato sing: "Super Siayans") (Then they all start to 'kiss and make up' as the steam closes in, leaving only Ayekas lips to sing us: "Martial Lemon-Anime Expo (reprise)") THE END Well, I have to say I enjoyed writing that. I like something a little sexy, and I love the original show...it took sometime to arrange it all so, with the weird character roles, there was no inter-family perversions like in the original, which leads to this kind of reaction: Diabolo (on seeing Riff-Raff biting Magenta): Dude! She's your SISTER! And, also unlike the original, it has quite a happy ending. Cool, eh? I would love some feedback on the whole thing so any C&C you have can go to comageddon@ntlworld.com Thanks for reading- Yrs. Jim 'Diabolo' Moore