Team Lightyear: to MST and beyond. Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this MST with the exception of Kevin, who is basically me. My goal: To make myself feel better by examining, deciphering, and then utterly mocking and ripping apart my own writing. I do this because the story you are about to read is ridiculous and poorly written, and wholly deserving of the thrashing it is about to get. The process: Naturally to do a MST properly, you must first have a story to mock. That was easy to find. I have always thought poorly of my first submitted fic and thus it is the perfect choice for my first MST. Next, you need a theater to show it in. This presented a problem seeing as I don't exactly own one and it is unlikely I could afford to rent one out. Therefore I did the only thing I could. During the night hours I hijacked the local mall, using a legion of rabid flying monkeys( You wouldn't believe how much trouble they've had finding work since The Wizard of Oz), a troop of depressed and over worked circus clowns, and a neanderthal named Ung( who I found frozen in a refrigerator I bought from Circuit City.) Once the mall, and the movie theater therein, was under my command(Faithfully guarded by my ever vigilant if somewhat laid-back warriors) all I needed were some people to review(and mock) my story. To truly expose the numerous and poorly thought through plot holes, inconsistent characterizations, and other such errors, I would need a crack team of educated, professional, and,(most importantly) snobby critics. Unable to get even one person matching that description however, I had to settle on my friends. Unfortunately I overlooked two important factors. One, none of my friends watch Tenchi Muyo and therefore would have no idea what my story was about. Two, as far as their concerned, anime is Japanese for cartoon porn(despite my repeated attempts to educate them on the subject.) I was stuck. But there was no giving up, I couldn't just quit and go home( seeing as the second I set foot outside the mall I would be arrested by the ever growing crowd of police and F.B.I. officials that were working to regain control.) Then I realized the solution. This is MY MST, I can do whatever I want. Therefore, using the power of The Keyboard, I assembled the following group of individuals to MST my story. From The Simpsons: He's fat, he's rude, he doesn't have a real name! Please welcome, The Comic Book Store Guy! (CBSG): *sigh* Once again, I find myself being typecasted. I have other talents besides putting people down! From Tenchi Muyo: Sometimes sweet and innocent, sometimes eccentric and outright insulting, she's cute, she's sexy. She's the Greatest Scientific Genesis in the Universe, Washu! (Washu): Really, this kind of work is below someone with my intellect. From DBZ: the always arrogant, ever angry, man does that hair stick straight up or what warrior prince. It's Vegeta! (Vegeta): How did I get involved with these weaklings? From D.C. comics: He's big, he's rough, he's down right crude, here is the man who nuked his home planet for his high school science project. They call him The Main Man, Lobo! (Lobo): Ya call this a party!? Where's the beer? Where's the smokes? Where's the babes!!? And finally, from the real world: He's brilliant( on occasion), he's good looking(or so his mom reassures him), he's hardworking( when forced to be), he's nice( when he gets things his way.) Introducing the author of this story, Kevin! (Kevin): Does the red light mean the mike's on? The cast is gathered. The theater is set. The story is awful. Half the police force is infected with rabies. Let the MSTing begin. ______________________________________________________________________________ -In the Theater Lobby- (Kevin): Alright now, settle down. I need to make sure everyone is here. Comic Book Store Guy? (CBSG): Present, though I would actually prefer to be assimilated into the Borg collective than endure what you have planned. (Kevin): Comic Book Store Guy, check. Washu? (Washu)... (Kevin): Washu? (Washu):... (Kevin): *Sigh* LITTLE Washu? (Washu): Present. (Kevin): Washu, check. Vegeta? ( Vegeta): WHAT!? (Kevin): Sorry! Vegeta, check. Lobo? (Lobo): I'll have three beers and a pack of smokes. (Kevin): Close enough. Lobo, check. Okay looks like everyone is here. (Washu): Considering there are only five of us, was it really essential to utilize a check list. (Kevin): Hey, there are some things that just have to be done, and the check list, is one of those things that isn't to be questioned. (CBSG): Although I have no desire to get started reading the dribble that you arrogantly term a 'story', I do find myself in desperate need to sit down. Therefore I vote we head into the theater. (Vegeta): I'll second that. Lets get this over with. (Kevin): Now wait a second, we still need to... (Vegeta): I wait for no one! (Washu): I hope this doesn't take too long, I have important experiments to finish.< Leaves lobby> (Kevin): Fine, we'll finish the check list later.< starts to leave, but is stopped by Lobo.> (Lobo): Hey, where's my smokes?! (Kevin): I don't have any smokes. Besides, you can't smoke in a theater. (Lobo): < Lifts Kevin off the ground> How about beer? Ya gots a problem with that? (Kevin): Not at all! In fact we have lots of beer, more beer than you could imagine. (Lobo): Great! In that case, lets party! (Kevin): Kevin to Ung. I need you to find some beer, fast! Over. ______________________________________________________________________________ Note: I do not own Tenchi or any related charatures... (Washu): great, ten words into the story and there's already a spelling error. (Lobo): Huh? Where? (Washu): Lobo, can you even read? (Lobo): I can read a woman's eyes, and yours are saying... (Kevin, as Washu): Not even if I have to wait another twenty thousand years for a man. ...so don't sue me because I'm not making any money off this fic. In fact I'm losing money if you consider the electricity I had to pay for to run my computer. (CBSG):Oh yes, we all know how expensive electricity is in these modern ages. So enjoy. (Vegeta): I can assure you that we won't. It was a hot sunny day in the carrot fields. (Washu): as opposed to a cold, sunless night perhaps. Tenchi was just about to quit for the day when a massive explosion blew the windows out of his house. From inside he could hear Ryoko and Ayeka yelling at each other as several smaller explosions followed. " Maybe I'll stay out here a little longer", he thought. (Vegeta): Cowering from women, how pathetic. (Washu): Considering he is absolutely outmatched in power by both Ryoko and Ayeka, I would say he's being intelligent. (Vegeta): Bah! What would you know? (Washu): More than you could possibly imagine. With a sigh he went back to work. As he was working a shadow drifted over him. He looked up and was shocked to see Ken-ohki hovering overhead. "Nagi", he said. Suddenly a bright red beam shot down upon him. "Ahhhhh!", he shouted as he passed out. (Vegeta): I told you, he's a wuss. (Kevin): Vegeta your getting off subject. Your suppose to be tearing apart the fic, not Tenchi. (Vegeta): I will do as I please and there is nothing you can do about it! (Washu): Would you please shut up. (Vegeta): *yelling* Why don't you make me! *Ribbit!* (Washu): Much better. (Kevin):Washu! (Washu): Quiet or your next. Tenchi woke up inside a small room. It was empty. He slowly got to his feet and waited for his balance to return. (Lobo): This might just be me, but I usually have to regain my balance BEFORE I stand up. (Vegeta): RIBBIT!!! Ribbit, ribbit! (Kevin): Washu, would you please turn Vegeta back to normal so we can understand him. (Washu): *sigh* Fine. (Vegeta): I"M GOING TO KILL YOU ALL!!! (Kevin):*nervously* Now Vegeta... Vegeta: Shut up! (Washu): I hope you've learned something, I always know best. Kevin): *dazed* I think I'll just pass out on the floor back here. Don't nobody worry about me. It was then that he noticed he didn't have any clothes on."Ahhhh!", he cried out in surprise. (Lobo): What? He never seen himself nakked before? "What's wrong Tenchi", a voice called out from behind him. (CBSG as Tenchi): Oh nothing, I'm just so homophobic that I can't stand to see myself nude. (Washu): You know those words, coming from your mouth, make me want to vomit. He turned around and there was Nagi. Tenchi's hands flew to cover his exposed parts. (Lobo): because he felt like jacking... (Kevin): Lobo! (Lobo): You back up? Nagi walked toward him. "What do you want Nagi?", (Lobo): She'd better not say him. No way a pansy like him's going to get that babe. he asked while backing away from her.His back hit the wall. She stopped a foot away from him. "Just you, Tenchi", (Lobo): Dammit! (CBSG): Why don't I ever get kidnaped by sex-starved women. (Washu): Stop! I don't need to be associating you and sex in my mind. she said. She threw off her cloak. Tenchi's eyes widened as he saw she had nothing on underneath. (Lobo): Oooohhhhh yeeeeaaaahhhh! Now that's how I's likes my women. His eyes wandered all over her body. He had forgotten how beautiful she was. (Washu): Riiiight. Nagi, beautiful. Sure. *coughbullshitcough* Her figure was lean with her skin stretched tightly over her muscles. Her breasts were perfectly round and good sized, (CBSG): yes, good sized. Excellent imagery. with large nipples. His hands soon became unable to completely cover his privates as his erection grew. Nagi reached down and pulled his arms up. She held onto his wrists and spread his arms out, pinning them to the wall. She pressed her body against his and kissed him. He tried to resist but she was too strong, not to mention that he really wasn't trying that hard. (Lobo): Let me get this straight. This kids gots a nakked chick throwing herself at him, and hes gots a problem with that? Man, if he don't want her I's take her. His body seemed to have a mind of it's own as his mouth opened to allow her tongue entry. She ground her pelvis into him as her hands traveled down his arms and over his chest. His hands found their way to her hips. She pulled him away from the wall and to the floor. He tried again to resist but found he lacked the strength to get off... (Washu): It's always a shame when that happens. (Kevin): Washu! No fair interrupting in the middle of a sentence. (Washu): Who said I was going to be fair? her. He finally stopped trying. He did care who it was, his body was in control now. (Washu): Bullshit! If it was that easy I would have gotten his sperm sample long ago. (Lobo): If it's sperm you want I's be happy to give you some. (Washu): You've got three seconds to remove your hand before you join Vegeta in the pet shop. He kissed her while his hands traveled over her body. His right hand found her breast and began rubbing it. "Hmmmm, oh yes.", she said. (CBSG): How...unerotic. (Washu): I'm warning you tubby. He broke the kiss and moved down. He took her other breast in his mouth and began to suck on it. He ran his tongue in circles around her nipple. "Ohh ahh, yes, ohh yeah", she called out. Her fingers dug into his back as he continued. (CBSG): Unfortunately her great strength caused her fingers to pierce his skin and he bleed to death. Shows over, lets go. After a few more minutes she rolled them over and it was her turn. (Washu): To suck breasts? You know, I've examined Tenchi from head to toe and I don't recall any breasts on him. (Lobo): Hey, how'd ya like to examine my... (Kevin): Lobo! (Lobo): What? What'd I say? She kissed him deeply on the lips, then left a trail a light kisses down his neck and chest. When she reached his penis she kissed it on the tip before taking it her mouth. "Ohh God!", he yelled out. Nagi pulled back slowly, her lips tightly closed around him. She then ran her tongue in circles around the tip before starting back down. Fiery pleasure shot through Tenchi's body. He had never felt anything so good. (Lobo): cause he's a freakin' virgin. He's only been livin' in the same house with a bunch of women, two of which would jump his bones in a second. Naw, no reason he shouldn't have... (Kevin): Your getting off subject. Remember, rip on the story, not Tenchi. (Lobo): Ya gots a thing for that guy or somethings? (Kevin): Of course not! The pleasure increased and he called out," Ohh yes, yes, god. Ohh ahh ahh AHHHHH!". He climaxed and felt his penis pumping out his semen. When he reopened his eyes he saw Nagi's face in front of him. She kissed him and he could taste his semen on her lips. (CBSG): Whoa! Hold it! That is just disgusting. He might as well have just sucked his own... (Washu): If I hear the word penis out of your mouth, you will suffer a fate that will make Satan weep. (CBSG): I retract my statement. Their hands traveled over each other. After a few more minutes of groping, Tenchi felt his erection return. Nagi noticed and sifted. (CBSG): Sifted? Was she searching for gold up his... (Washu): Shut up! Stop right now! She positioned herself above him and then slowly lowered herself. Tenchi moaned in pleasure as he entered her. He grasped her hips as she started sliding up and down his length. She let out a low moan as she sped up. Tenchi was thrusting with her, panting heavily as the plesureful feeling built up within him. The feeling seemed to double with each thrust. Nagi's head tilted back (Washu): and fell right off. Too bad. and her back arched as she climaxed. She called out," Ohhh Tenchi, Ahhh yes, ahh!". Her climax pushed him over (CBSG): Pushed him over what? A cliff? and he moaned as he emptied into her. She laid down on top of him and kissed him lightly. He kissed her back as he slowly drifted off to sleep. (Lobo): Two squirts and he's down, now that's just pathetic. The Main Man lasts the whole night. (Washu): You have no idea how little I cared to know that. Tenchi woke up in the middle of the carrot field. He looked around, unsure of where he was for a moment. (CBSG as Tenchi): Lets see, carrots. Yep. Big open field. Yep. Why I must be in pumpkin patch. Then he remember. (Washu): You would think an author would have REMEMBER to us -ed. He checked himself and was relieved that he was dressed. " Was that a dream", (Washu): he stated, because it couldn't be a question without a (?). he though. " It couldn't be, could it. (Washu): Use a freaking(?)! It was so real. But then again why would Nagi want me? It had to be a dream. But why did I dream about Nagi? (Lobo): Cause your not getting any ass at home. (Kevin): You are sick. (Lobo): Ah, you too kind. " He shook his head and headed for the house. He walked through the door and saw everyone crowded around the television. " Hello", he said. (CBSG): and the winner for this years lamest greeting, Tenchi Masaki! No one answered or even looked at him. He noticed they all looked shocked. From the t.v. he heard, "Ohhh Tenchi, Ahhh yes, ahh!". (CBSG): Tenchi's life as a porn star is suddenly revealed. (Washu): Oh God, he said 'porn'. I suddenly feel dirty. He looked in horror at the screen. There was him and Nagi, (CBSG): I believe that should read 'Nagi and himself' (Lobo): What's the difference? (Washu): You know, your primitive grunting along with your simian appearance suggests a genetic lineage not far removed from the wild. (Lobo)*confused* uhhhh, what? in the final moments of their love making. The pictured faded black. A second later it came back to show a close up of Nagi's face. She said," Well Ryoko, I guess I now understand what you see in him. You know what, I just might stick around a while and see him again. Lucky for me the dome environment Washu built for us on Mars (Washu): It was on Venus you dumb bitch. is still working, so I'll get so rest their. (Washu): I don't even have to mock that, it does a good enough job by itself. (Lobo): Mock what? What am I missin'? Hey, somebodys best to answer me! I do hope you'll drop by Ryoko." Nagi smiled and the screen froze on that image. Ryoko stood up slowly. Her eyes were locked to Nagi's smiling face. "AHHHHHH!". Ryoko yelled out as she blasted the television to ashes. (CBSG): Noooooooo! Not the T.V. How will that bounty hunter live knowing the Masaki family can't watch their soap's? "I'll kill her!" She grabbed Ryo-ohki and headed for the door, not even looking at Tenchi. Ayeka got up and followed her. " Back off princess, I'm going alone.", Ryoko said. (CBSG as Ryoko): because I'm just using this as an excuse to go have hot lesbian... (Washu): I'm NOT hearing this! La la la la la laaaaa! Ayeka shot back," The hell you are. The vile woman has soiled (Lobo as Ayeka): herself. She needs a new diaper. (Kevin): That is just not right. Lord Tenchi and I plan to make her pay for it." " Forget it, your not going" "You just try and stop me" (Washu): This should be good. " If you insist" Ryoko turned around suddenly and punched Ayeka hard in the stomach and then the face. (Washu):Yeah! The bitch goes down! That's my girl! Ayeka went down hard and didn't get back up. " Sorry Ayeka but Nagi's mine. She's always wanted a fight to death, and this times she's going to get it." To be Continued... (CBSG): ...never. (Kevin): Actually, your right. I don't plan to ever write a sequel. In fact I want nothing to do with this story or to be associated with it in any form. (Washu): Then how do you plan to use this MST. (Kevin):*softly*....damn. ______________________________________________________________________________ -Back in the Lobby- (Kevin): Alright everybody, I felt that went well. (CBSG): You know as much as I hate to admit it, I did receive a sort of sick, perverted satisfaction reducing that story to shambles. (Washu):*taking deep angry breaths* What have I said about YOU using those kinds of words? (Lobo): Now that was kind of fun! Except that something was missing. Wait a minute! Where's my beer!!? (Lobo): Oh yeah! Now that's more like it! < Grabs beer keg and rips off the top. Starts drinking messily and noisily straight from the keg> (CBSG to Washu):And you think that I'M disgusting. (Vegeta): Ribbit! (Kevin): Sorry Vegeta but I just don't feel there's a place for you on my MST team. (Kevin to monkeys): Take this guy down to the pet shop would you. (Vegeta): Ribbit!? (Kevin): So who feels up to MSTing another fic. ( Washu): Will it be another one of yours? (Kevin): Nah! I'll choose one off the tmffa. (Washu): In that case count me in. (CBSG): I will also join in on the insulting and humiliation of a hopeful yet foolish and poorly prepared fanfic author. (Kevin): How about you Lobo? (Lobo): *BBBBBBUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPP!!!!!* (Kevin): Great, then I only need to find a replacement for Vegeta. Now then, we need to finish the check list.Washu! (Washu): Just be glad it was only the clipboard. (Kevin): *sigh* Oh well, I should be able to find another. -Until next time- ______________________________________________________________________________ (Kevin): Thank you to everyone who read my MST. Have a good day. (Washu): We'll see you next time. (CBSG): Live long and prosper. (Lobo): Anyone gots any smokes? (Vegeta): RIBBIT!