Disclaimer: Tenchi is property of AIC and Pioneer, who will one day take over the universe with an evil empire run by lots of white-clad plastic soldiers. This fic and the chacter of Kazekera (who makes a cameo apperance) are propety of Jim 'Diabolo' Moore of the Jetset (the other members of whom are Kage Maru 3:16 and Jinchi) This is rather a strange little fic- me and Kage thought of it when out on a walk together, and I thought it was a great idea. He couldn't be arsed to write it though, so I did the honours- I hope you enjoy it! -Jim --------------------------------STONAMI!----------------------------- ----PROLOGUE---- A delienquent child from the younger years of the Okayama school for Lower Learning skulked around the feilds, a packet of matches in his hand in the early hours of the day. He sideled over to the feild that the old man who ran the shrine tended occasionally. Being a wayward young person, he deiced to set fire to the crops- the old preist had never liked him after all. Not after he had kicked that little brown rabbity thing...and that evil harsh eyed girl had shouted at him and threatened to blow him up. The first yellow flames licked and lapped at the green, triangular leaves which he did not recognise, and eventually the smoke began to take to the winds. The flames rose higher, and they danced in the boy's eyes. Roused from his meditation, the old shinto preist looked out at the breaking light of dawn...and the orange glow which now hung over his secret, shameful charge. Yosho ran out of the shrine, grabbing a trusty carpet beater, and set after the young miscreient. "You don't know what you've unleashed on this world!" He cried as he leapt agiley down the shrine stairs. "You've set free a...A MONSTER!" NOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooo!" The boy, mesmerised by the flames, could not move untl he noticed the wild grey haired man racing at him, a look like a man with a rabid weasel in his underwear acrorss his lined face. Yosho, though he was a preist who believed in a non-violent and intellecutal appraoch in his old age, far from the wily youth he had once been, set about the boy viciously round the head with his carpet beater, yelling obsceneities at the top of his voice and frightening several old women. Meanwhile, the last whisps of smoke carried on the air away from the sodden patch of ground near the carrot feild... ---- PART 1 ---- Later in the day, when breakfast was over, all was calm in Okayama. Even Ryoko and Ayeka were making a serious attempt to keep their relentless, recklessly explosive nuclear battles quiet so as not to disturb the birds. Tenchi was outside, as always training with the sword. Yosho was doing the shrine accounts so he was out on his own. He ducked, dived, swung and thrust, moved, dove, leapt and rolled. He stood battle ready. Then run-ready. Then ran which fighting. He closed his eyes and picked out every little detail of sound, smell and feeling around him. He tasted the air. Then, without opening his eyes, swished his kata through the air and cleaved a summer blossom in two. Then he looked, watching it fall. Tenchi looked down at the sword in his hands. "Wow..." he said to himself in hushed tones "What am I doing? I've been training to hurt things my entire life...that's so..." he probed his mind for a suitable word to describe the sheer horror of this realisation "...weak." he finished, and nodded, confindant that he had achieved what he had set out to do. He put the kata down gnetly, turned on his heel and headed back to the house. "I think I'll write some bad poems..." he thought out loud as he walked. ---- PART 2 ---- Washu came into the living room to find Mihoshi, Ayeka and Sesami watching cartoons. "What the hell are you lot doing just messing around? There's so much to do..." "Oh, calm down Washu." said Ayeka mildly "Take a little time off Miss Lady Washu- smell the roses." Mihoshi chimed in sweetly. "Why don't you watch cartoons with us?" "I can't have time off- I'm working on a machine which can turn your body cells inside out and fry your brains. And I smell no roses, just the stench of laziness and sloth!" Washu took a deep sniff of the warm summer air. The look of disgust on her face changed slightly. "But hey...I suppose the virus can wait. These cartoons are pretty cool- thanks Mihoshi." "No problem, Miss Lady Washu." "You don't have to call me that, lil Mihoshi- 'Lady' is so institutionalised and kinda...capitalist. Just call me Sister Washu." "Alright sister Washu." They watched the cartoons for a while. After about half an hour, Ayeka said thouhtfully "Say... the T.V. is looking kinda institutionalised and capitalist to me right now." "Hey, you're right...having things is so...y'know...possesive. Its like the T.V. is a POSSESION or something." "Yeah." "Man that's deep. Who'd think owining THINGS would be possesive?" ----PART 3---- Kiyone removed the sellotape on her eyes. It had been hard to memorise the entire Galaxy Police rule book to pick out more of Mihoshi's mitakes (purely to make her a better officer of course) but with the help of her coffee machine she had done it! She left the Yagami, staggering and wishing she emptied the portable toilet on it. Or rather, wishing she had emptied her bladder before drinking the entire season's worth of espresso. She coughed and chocked as some ash in the air caught in her throat. She was going to curse...but suddenly she felt a lot better. A lot more...relaxed. Not so hyper. Not so worried about where she relieved herself. And the bushes suddenly looked a lot more inviting. ----PART 4---- Ryoko had been busy all this time. She was busy bitching. Not a lot of people know it, but to be bitchy at everyone every second is very hard work. And Ryoko was working hard- it was her time, and everyone had to know it. She had now been bitching for a solid half hour at Nobuyuki who wasn't listening but instead editing his video tapes together, and was therfore quite tired. She had already had a stern bitch at Ayeka, her mother, Mihoshi and all the people on T.V. and she was rapidly running out of things to complainabout. "AND ANOTHER THING about Tenchi is..." "Yeah, yeah, I know." Nobuyuki had initiated his careless sympathy sub-routine he had learned through at least a year of living with hormonally imbalanced women. "You're not even listening to me are you, you filthy perverted old hentai earth peodophile scum-sucking 15 millionth Jurian incestural f**k?" "Yes, I know just how you feel." Nobuyuki's eye was captivated by a glimpse of someone's cleavage. "Fine then, I'll find someone else to share my problems with, you worthless knicker stealing mostachioed trumped up whore-mongrel prostitute grabbing breast-obsessed porn merchant!" "Mmmm. It's hard when that happens." "HUH!" Ryoko phased through the wall...then came back again, made herself solid, and slammed the door for good effect. Nobuyuki's eyes did not waver as he contemplated the excellent shots he'd managed to get of Washu in a bikini. ----PART 5---- Tenchi wasn't shocked to find the T.V. unplugged, or if he was he didn't show it. "Hi guys." "Yo, Tenchi." said Sesami "Look what Washu can do!" Washu was painting Sesami's face with a pallette resting on her holotop. She shrugged modestly. "I learned it when I was with my little boy." She said. A leapt up from her shoulder "You rock, Washu!" B sprung out opposite his twin. "You're the babe, Washu!" "Cool it guys." Washu said, and the two puppets disappeared as quickly as they had come. Kiyone, with a zipping sound which sounded disturbingly like a Galaxy police-personsfly (all the household knew what this souned like, since Mihoshi and Kazekera had been in the same house for quite a time together ALERT ALERT OWN CHARCTER INSERTION SHUTTING DOWN) wandered into the room. "Hello everyone. How are you feeling?" "We're cool." said Ayeka, sounding it. She was sewing something green and leafshaped onto a hankercheif. "Great." Kiyone smiled warmly, and particularly warmly at Mihoshi, who smiled back. "Hi Kiyo!" she said "You're looking the beach baby today. Wanna go catch some waves and rays?" "Yeah...maybe later. For now I'll just relax." All was calm- even calmer than it had been before. In fact, it was so calm it was almost forceful. Like negative stress- it was like someone had taken all the smells from an aromatherapy kit and made them into a feeling. Yes, it was that calm. Ryoko chose this moment to come in. "Right you bunch of simeien molesting emotionally retarded freaks! I am sick to death of being ignored! Get me so chocolate or I swear to God I'll tie all your pubes together when you're sleeping and hang you to the ceiling by them!" Tenchi took the band out of his hair and let his little ponytail down. "Hey Ryoko...stop being so tense all the time. I mean...just relax. It's not as if work and stuff is everything." "What? Tenchi? Being chilled?" Ryoko couldn't take this in " You LIVE for work Tenchi, I've only ever seen you relax when you're completely pissed..." "Hey, dude..." Tenchi frowned "Don't use those baaaad words, honey bee. Just try to be groovy to people." "Yeah...what can we do to help Ryoko get in touch with her Karma?" said Kiyone, gently taking a daisy from Mihoshi and weaving it into her long teal hair. "I know." Nobuyuki said, nodding, and reached behind the sofa. He brought out a banjo-guitar with only three strings. "Hey, I left this here back in the 60s- I never thought I'd be able to sing this again..." And he started, in a melodious and spaced out way, to sing this song "D00ds, we only have so much time on Mother earth No time for war, just love and peace and natural birth So write poems and stuff and stay groovy and chilled And if that don't work smoke and take some pills... C'mon, everyone, join in the chours!" And everyone, except Ryoko, started singing along. Even Ryo-Ohki 'myad' happily. "We only have so much time on Mother Earth And Mother Earth is so funky..." That was all the space pirate could take. She clamped her hands over her ears and flew screaming from the house up to the shrine, her clothes flapping in the wind. "Yosho! You senile old pervert! I need your help!" At the sound of Ryoko's voice, Yosho quickly got his busy fingers ready to grope her but refrained when he saw that she was geniunly distrought- usually only a well aimed nuclear explosion or Ayeka could cause her hair to be in such a mess. "What is it, Ryoko?" Yosho said, resolving to grab her bust later. Ryoko panted and stared wildly. "Listen, I don't know what it is, but for some unaccounatable reason everyone has become calm and hippyish and basically nice to each other! And it's up to me to stop it! Domestic bliss doesn't make good television!" Yosho looked serious. "Ryoko...I have a confession. It's my fault..." "Why? How?" "A young child burned down my feild this morning...the smoke from it has spread everywhere...Ryoko, that feild..." "Yes?" "Was..." "Yes?" "Was..." "YES?!" "That feild was a marajuana feild." Ryoko only took a second to think this over. "YOU DUMB OLD FART! WHY THE HELL YOU WERE GROWING WEED IN YOUR FEILD!" Yosho shrugged "I'm a preist- I have to have some releases you know." "Apart from grabbing my tits anytime I drop my guard." "Well, that's more of a hobby." "Shut up. Quick, we need to save them from themselves! I think I can here them singing Kum By Ya..." "Oh, I'll get the tambourine..." Ryoko turned around, and Yosho caught the look in her eyes. "Just joking..." he quavered "I mean, can't you take a joke...hahaha..." "Just keep quite, Yosho." ----PART 6---- Ryoko and Yosho entered the front room to find Kiyone and Mihoshi dancing in gypsy clothes in front of the unplugged T.V. "Hey, guys..." Ayeka said, upon seeing the two arrive. "You're just in time...we were just about to have a 'like in'..." "It's like a love-in." Mihoshi explained "But without all that IKKY stuff..." Nobuyuki's happiness seemed to dull infinitessimally for a moment "Y'know, I preffered the 60s...they were chilled but with out all this safety business..." "SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!" Ryoko's face screwed up in disgust at all this sociabilty. "COME WITH ME! We're going to find out what's happened to you!" "Hey, that's cool!" said Washu, finishing Sesami's flower face paint (complete with the Peace insignia and the legend 'I want to Grow Up, not Blow Up') "We can, like, like-in out!" "Mom, I'm not sure I understood that but I am DAMN SURE it made no sense." "Like, you're such a square honey. D00d, my daughters a square- I feel like Joeanna Lumley" (don't worry Americans- that was funny) Ryoko's lip curled "I think this alone stands as an argument against single parenting." she muttered darkly. Then, after thinking a second "In fact, it stands as an argument for matricide." "Come on, everyone- we must ask Tsunami what to do!" "Hey, that's groovy!" Sesami said "It's like, I'll get to see my future self in the now! It'll be just like some crazy trip!" "Yo, Sesami you lil sis type-chick." said Ayeka "How'd you know what a trip is like?" "I was talkin' bout a CAR trip, big sis. Y'know the way you see yourself in the rear view mirror and stuff?" "Oh, yeah, I'm on your wavelength now." Everyone very slowly, and with a lot of outdated and patently ridiculous hippy dialogue, got up and followed Ryoko and Yosho out into the carrot feilds. Nobuyuki INSISTED on bringing along his guitar so that Mihoshi and Kiyone could jive along rather than walking because 'that's so square'. Tenchi insisted that all the girls (apart from Sesami) left their bras behind to 'let is all hang out'. At any other time Ryoko might have welcomed a new sexually liberated and relaxed Tenchi, but today she just happened to have hit the bad end of the hormone cycle and, in any case, she hated hippies like a sexy Japanese female version of Eric Cartman. "Hey, Ryoko, why aren't you, like, jiving with us?" asked Sesami "Cos it's all a bunch of tree hugging otaku-crap!" (what did I tell you?) "Tenchi, Ryokos bein' a drag- I thought she was into free love!" Ayeka sounded put-off "AYEKA!" Ryoko was now losing it seriously "DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT THING WE GO THROUGH AGAIN? YOU KNOW...THE WHOLE 'RIGHT TIME OF THE MONTH THING'?" "D00d, she's gettin' all mesturative on me!" "Ryoko, the whole body system is a wonderful product of Mother Earth- stop using it as an excuse to be square." "This is getting a bit too serious." said Yosho "Ryoko, you go on to Funaho alone- it's obvious this is all a bit stressful for you." "Why do *I* have to go on? Cos you're a man?" "No, because you're teetering on the edge of insanity and I'm still talking the most sense...it's because I am used to the fumes...I have power over them." "Okay." Ryoko tried to calm herself, and turned to float off to Tsunami's tree. "Oh, and Ryoko..." Ryoko turned to see the white bearded old man look at her. "Be careful...the stash wants to be found!" Ryoko nodded, and hurried off into the forest. (Danger...L.O.T.R. rip-off...sinking very low...cheapness level rising...) ----PART 7---- Ryoko arrived at the great tree, the most tangible incarnation of Tsunami apart from the ship tree now growing within the lake, and vented her spleen breathlessly. "What...the...hell...is...going on you...damn, messed up... heart-breaking...love goddess...whore bitch...slut!" she panted "I tell you...I hear one more love song...and I'll kick your omniprecisent ass...you ho!" There was no answer. "Tsunami! You...f**king...trick beeyatch mongrel...I..." "Ryoko." An imesaurable peaceful and beautiful voice came from behind her. "That's not my tree. It's an elm" "Oh." Ryoko turned, taken aback "Er...should I do the shouting thing again?" "No thankyou. I heard it all first time round. Round and around. Hehehe." Ryoko pasued. Had she heard right? The Goddess Of Love, Tsunami, had just giggled. "Did you just giggle?" Ryoko said just to make sure. "Nope. Hehehee. Heheheeehe...*snort*" "Why are you laughing?" "There...hehehe...no reason it's just...hehehe...oh dear, these monkeys are funny." "WHAT?" "Hehehehe...ohhhhh monkeys." "Oh God." Ryoko banged her head on the tree trunk. "Okay, Tsunami- I'm coming in." "Fine...you can see the monkeys too..." Ryoko felt herself become dizzy, as she faded into the erthereal world occupied by the Goddess. She was sitting, glowing beautiuflly as she always did, watching her hands. "Not you too?" she asked helplessly. "Yes...and no." Tsunami said, bobbing her head strangly. "It's only me...I'm afraid...hehehe...I'm afraid Yosho's smoke got into my branches...I've been feeling strange since... all my...ehehehehe...wow...everything I say is spreading around... wow- this is some good s**t...like...the colours man..." "Oh good." said Ryoko, reaching for her belt. There were things Ryoko always carried, as a prepared space pirate. Vitamins, rations, an extra weapon in case her powers failed, a penknife, a med kit...and a large roll of Elephant tape. The bare essentials. "This comes in handy everywhere." she said briskly, tearing off a bit with her teeth. Tsunami was in mid-titter when Ryoko stretched the tape over her mouth, leaving her to utter muffled phrases like: "D00b! Fat iff juff not ffair!" "Well, that's my work done." said Ryoko proudly, returning giggily to the real world, confidant that she had saved the wday. Then suddenly, there was an ear-splitting scream. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!! WHERE'S MY BRA???!!!!!!" Then there were more screams and shouts, the click of a camera, and the sound of someone being slapped very hard around the face accompanied by the smashing of a very old guitar. "Yeah." said Ryoko happily "That's back to normal." ----EPILOGUE---- The next morning Ryoko felt much better. She came downstairs drowsy and happy...but when she came into the front room, her eyes met a terrible sight. All her freinds had harshly short cropped hair and were wearing black, and Tenchi was grunting incomprhensibly. "OH NO!" Ryoko was horrified "Is this because I shut Tsunami's mouth all the calming and love-filled thoughts which permeate the cosmos have been silenced! SILENCED FOREVER?! Turning my freinds into viscious skinheads!!!???!" "No..." said the shine-topped Sesami "But you really ought to see Washu's new combined super-razor, washing and de-evolution machine." Ryoko shrugged. "Whatever." she said "It's all cool. Chilled even." Then she clapped her hand over her mouth. Inexplicably, there was a monkey running up the wall. ----THE END---- Oh, and Tsunami got the tape off and lived happily ever after! ----THE REAL END---- I hope you enjoyed that- I think it's one of the funniest fics I've written in a long time. And it's certainly the logest fic I've written in a fun time. It's the only funny fic I've written in a while. It might even be all three. But anyways, that's all there is so fare thee well for now, oh great readers! Yrs. Jim 'Diabolo' Moore Any C&C to jetset@ntlworld.com or comageddon@ntlworld.com