Same as it ever was...

                              by Bob T. Mi-go



          Tenchi Muyo and associated characters and situations are
           the property of AIC and Pioneer. No claim upon them is
                       intended nor should be inferred.

               This story is Copyright 1998, Robert J. Cannard.
        Permission granted to distribute freely in any form whatsoever
          provided no charge is levied and this entire document is
                       distributed whole and unchanged.



      Tenchi decided that he'd done enough for the day. He straightened,
wincing as his back protested, mopped his furrowed brow, and took hold of the
carrot basket. Ryo-Ohki lay atop the carrot pile, sleeping, a thoroughly
gummed carrot grasped firmly between her paws. The little cabbit stirred and
slowly opened one rheumy eye. Tenchi smiled, hoisted the basket onto his back -
on the second attempt - and headed across the fields towards home.
      As usual, Ryoko and Aeka dashed to greet him as he opened the door and
announced his return. Ryoko, of course, flew but she just couldn't cut through
the air the way she used to, and she didn't teleport much any more. The
bifocals made it hard to judge distances accurately enough.
      Sasami wasn't far behind, a frighteningly large rolling pin clutched,
battle-ready, in her calloused, dishwater-hardened hands. Her stout, matronly
form was an imposing sight. "Well! Took you long enough to get back here! What
were you doing, waiting for the carrots to grow?"
      "Ah - sorry, Sasami. It just takes longer these days, you know. What's
for dinner?"
      "Whatever I give you!" Sasami snapped, and stomped back into the kitchen.
      "What's her problem?" Ryoko asked.
      "PMS," Aeka replied.
      
      
      Ryo-Ohki lapped her bowl of mashed carrots as everyone gathered around
the table for lunch. As usual, Washu was the last to arrive.
      "Well, everyone, I have shome really bad newsh -"
      "Miss Washu," Aeka said, "I do believe you've forgotten your teeth."
      "Eh? Oh - 'shcushe me." Washu dashed back to her laboratory.
      "Senile old twit," Ryoko said.
      "At least she can still see as far as the ends of her chopsticks," Aeka
said.
      "And what is that supposed to mean?"
      "It means that some of us have aged more smoothly than others I could
name."
      "Oh yeah? You want to be careful, princess. If you get worked up, your
face will crack again."
      "My makeup isn't... oops!" She dashed to the bathroom.
      Katsuhito coughed. "Well, Tenchi, I hope you're ready for practice this
afternoon."
      "Yeah, yeah. Though what's the point? So I can defend myself if some
lunatic attacks me with a walking frame?"
      "I can still whup your ass and don't you forget it, boy!" He looked
around. "Where's Mayuka?"
      "I saw her going out with Sakuya," Ryoko replied. "And Hiromi, Kumiko,
Michiko, Aiko, Ikuko, Kazuya, Fumiko, Reimi..."
      "Yeah, yeah," Tenchi grumbled. "So basically the entire West Wing has
gone shopping again."
      Nobuyuki glanced towards the window. "You know, I'm really glad we built
that wing. It was getting a little crowded around here."
      "Not surprising, when Tenchi here gets a new girlfriend every few
months," Katsuhito said. "Don't know how he does it at his age."
      Ryoko snarled.
      Nobuyuki continued. "Well, Tenchi my boy, have you chosen one of the
lucky girls yet? It's about time, you know. Some of the villagers are spreading
rumours about your being past it."
      Ryoko bridled. "My Tenchi will never be past it!" Forgetting herself, she
teleported to Tenchi's side, accidentally knocking his bowl off the table in
the process. "Oops - didn't see it there..."
      Aeka had just returned from the bathroom. "Miss Ryoko, would you please
leave Tenchi alone? I'm sure he doesn't want the company of a short-sighted
clumsy bat!"
      "And here comes the shrew. Fixed the damage, Princess? You know, these
days it's hard to tell."
      Washu reappeared from her laboratory. "Are you two arguing again? Perhaps
I should turn you into kappas for a while."
      Ryoko snorted. "Yeah, you would too, if you could remember how!"
      "I - ah - hmm, how do you turn people into kappas? Oh, it'll come back to
me." She seated herself next to Katsuhito. "Well, as I was saying, I have some
really bad news. I've been monitoring the GP channels -"
      "Oh, no," Ryoko said. "Don't tell me Leatherface is coming back from
patrol early?"
      "Now that's no way to talk about Mihoshi, Ryoko, just because she spent
too much time in the sun when she was younger. Anyway, she won't be back for
another three days. This is much worse. It seems that the transdimensional
megavillain, Gurink, has escaped from the geriatric wing of the GP's
subdimensional prison and is heading our way."
      "Oh dear, here we go again," Aeka groaned.
      "Okay, what's the betting?" Nobuyuki asked.
      "Dropped into a volcano at the moment of eruption!" Sasami yelled. "And,
er, lavender with a red stripe."
      "Huh?" Tenchi said.
      Ryoko stuck her hand up. "Torn limb from limb by gigantic cybernetic
tigers! Pink with ultramarine streaks."
      Tenchi looked more confused. "Um, what..."
      "Me, me!" Aeka chirped. "Day-glo green, and shot down into the core of
Jupiter without a pressure suit by an orbital mass driver, at the hands of a
deranged pizza delivery man with a grudge against cauliflowers!"
      "You what?" Tenchi said.
      "Say, that was pretty good, Princess."
      "Thank you, Ryoko."
      "My turn," Washu said. "Let me see... Released into a highly-elliptical
orbit around a black hole of approximately 10 solar masses, getting just close
enough to the event horizon so that he doesn't fall in but is messily torn in
half by the incredibly strong tidal effects. Hee hee! Oh, er, orange."
      Tenchi turned a little pale, then noticed that Nobuyuki had been writing
it all down. "Er, Dad, what's this all about?"
      "Oh, we're just placing our usual small wager."
      "What, erm, kind of wager, specifically?"
      "We're wondering how you're going to get yourself almost killed this
time, and what colour hair your new girlfriend will have."
      "Get myself... what on earth are you talking about?"
      Katsuhito gave Tenchi a withering (or possibly withered) stare. "Well,
Tenchi, you do have a habit of rushing into battle without adequate prepara-
tion, trying to be a hero, and getting yourself mashed to a pulp as a result."
      "What? When have I ever -"
      Aeka interrupted him. "Well, there was that time when we tried to storm
the Souja, and you insisted on operating Ryu-oh's weapons, even though I was
the only person who knew how to do it. You were blown to pieces."
      "Well, yes, but apart from that -"
      Washu interrupted this time. "Or the time that you tried to storm Dr.
Clay's ship. I told you to wait while I located him, but would you listen?
No-o-o! You had to charge in, with no idea of where to go, landed in entirely
the wrong part of the ship, and got yourself turned into a black hole."
      Tenchi was beginning to feel a little flustered. "Er..."
      "And then there was the time you went off to Jurai by yourself and got
stuck in subspace on the way back..." Ryoko began.
      Tenchi sagged. It was going to be a long evening.


                             -----------------------


Author's Notes:

      Maybe some folks will consider this story in bad taste. I hope not. While
I'm certainly laughing at some of the effects of aging (it happens to all of
us, and it's your choice whether to laugh, whine, or suffer silently - I choose
to laugh and at least get some benefit out of it) I'm certainly not laughing at
people who suffer from those effects. The intent of this story is to poke fun
at the fact that since the end of OAV 6 (or the end of the TV series, take your
pick) nothing ever seems to change in the Tenchi Muyo universes.
      Oh, sure, Mayuka turned up in "Manatsu no Eve", and was continually
referred to in subsequent "Dragon" Magazine stories. But at the end of those
stories? The only real change was that Sasami was now going to school and was
as likely to be found doing homework as cooking dinner. (She had acquired a pet
kitten called Minka, too, but that's a minor point.) Aeka apparently decided to
abandon her claim to the throne, and Tenchi decided not to decide: despite
having gone to Jurai to sort out the Case of the Disappearing King, and being
given a glimpse of his own possible futures, he came home and had everything
carry on as before. Azusa still hated Tenchi's guts and regarded him as a wuss
for being unable to decide between Ryoko and Aeka, while the queens still
backed Aeka's desire to stay on Earth with Tenchi. In other words, no change.
      It took a long time to read those stories, due to my meagre Japanese
reading skills, and that "here we are back at the beginning" feeling was a big
let-down.
      So I wondered what things would be like if nothing kept on changing for
the next few years... and decades... maybe centuries or millenia. If Tenchi
never decided, and they all grew old together.
      What universe is this set in? Nominally the OAV/Manatsu no Eve universe,
as the back-references show. Yet the aging and kappa references belong firmly
in the TV universe. Either way, it's not important. Take the universe you
prefer and plug the story in. It's the point that matters, not the setting.
      Oh, and yes, the "lost in subspace" incident did happen in the Dragon
story. I didn't make it up.
      All C&C to <bobtmigo@teleport.com>. Don't spare the flamethrower.

                                                       Bob Cannard
                                                       
                                                       December 6, 1998