Same as it ever was... by Bob T. Mi-go Tenchi Muyo and associated characters and situations are the property of AIC and Pioneer. No claim upon them is intended nor should be inferred. This story is Copyright 1998, Robert J. Cannard. Permission granted to distribute freely in any form whatsoever provided no charge is levied and this entire document is distributed whole and unchanged. Tenchi decided that he'd done enough for the day. He straightened, wincing as his back protested, mopped his furrowed brow, and took hold of the carrot basket. Ryo-Ohki lay atop the carrot pile, sleeping, a thoroughly gummed carrot grasped firmly between her paws. The little cabbit stirred and slowly opened one rheumy eye. Tenchi smiled, hoisted the basket onto his back - on the second attempt - and headed across the fields towards home. As usual, Ryoko and Aeka dashed to greet him as he opened the door and announced his return. Ryoko, of course, flew but she just couldn't cut through the air the way she used to, and she didn't teleport much any more. The bifocals made it hard to judge distances accurately enough. Sasami wasn't far behind, a frighteningly large rolling pin clutched, battle-ready, in her calloused, dishwater-hardened hands. Her stout, matronly form was an imposing sight. "Well! Took you long enough to get back here! What were you doing, waiting for the carrots to grow?" "Ah - sorry, Sasami. It just takes longer these days, you know. What's for dinner?" "Whatever I give you!" Sasami snapped, and stomped back into the kitchen. "What's her problem?" Ryoko asked. "PMS," Aeka replied. Ryo-Ohki lapped her bowl of mashed carrots as everyone gathered around the table for lunch. As usual, Washu was the last to arrive. "Well, everyone, I have shome really bad newsh -" "Miss Washu," Aeka said, "I do believe you've forgotten your teeth." "Eh? Oh - 'shcushe me." Washu dashed back to her laboratory. "Senile old twit," Ryoko said. "At least she can still see as far as the ends of her chopsticks," Aeka said. "And what is that supposed to mean?" "It means that some of us have aged more smoothly than others I could name." "Oh yeah? You want to be careful, princess. If you get worked up, your face will crack again." "My makeup isn't... oops!" She dashed to the bathroom. Katsuhito coughed. "Well, Tenchi, I hope you're ready for practice this afternoon." "Yeah, yeah. Though what's the point? So I can defend myself if some lunatic attacks me with a walking frame?" "I can still whup your ass and don't you forget it, boy!" He looked around. "Where's Mayuka?" "I saw her going out with Sakuya," Ryoko replied. "And Hiromi, Kumiko, Michiko, Aiko, Ikuko, Kazuya, Fumiko, Reimi..." "Yeah, yeah," Tenchi grumbled. "So basically the entire West Wing has gone shopping again." Nobuyuki glanced towards the window. "You know, I'm really glad we built that wing. It was getting a little crowded around here." "Not surprising, when Tenchi here gets a new girlfriend every few months," Katsuhito said. "Don't know how he does it at his age." Ryoko snarled. Nobuyuki continued. "Well, Tenchi my boy, have you chosen one of the lucky girls yet? It's about time, you know. Some of the villagers are spreading rumours about your being past it." Ryoko bridled. "My Tenchi will never be past it!" Forgetting herself, she teleported to Tenchi's side, accidentally knocking his bowl off the table in the process. "Oops - didn't see it there..." Aeka had just returned from the bathroom. "Miss Ryoko, would you please leave Tenchi alone? I'm sure he doesn't want the company of a short-sighted clumsy bat!" "And here comes the shrew. Fixed the damage, Princess? You know, these days it's hard to tell." Washu reappeared from her laboratory. "Are you two arguing again? Perhaps I should turn you into kappas for a while." Ryoko snorted. "Yeah, you would too, if you could remember how!" "I - ah - hmm, how do you turn people into kappas? Oh, it'll come back to me." She seated herself next to Katsuhito. "Well, as I was saying, I have some really bad news. I've been monitoring the GP channels -" "Oh, no," Ryoko said. "Don't tell me Leatherface is coming back from patrol early?" "Now that's no way to talk about Mihoshi, Ryoko, just because she spent too much time in the sun when she was younger. Anyway, she won't be back for another three days. This is much worse. It seems that the transdimensional megavillain, Gurink, has escaped from the geriatric wing of the GP's subdimensional prison and is heading our way." "Oh dear, here we go again," Aeka groaned. "Okay, what's the betting?" Nobuyuki asked. "Dropped into a volcano at the moment of eruption!" Sasami yelled. "And, er, lavender with a red stripe." "Huh?" Tenchi said. Ryoko stuck her hand up. "Torn limb from limb by gigantic cybernetic tigers! Pink with ultramarine streaks." Tenchi looked more confused. "Um, what..." "Me, me!" Aeka chirped. "Day-glo green, and shot down into the core of Jupiter without a pressure suit by an orbital mass driver, at the hands of a deranged pizza delivery man with a grudge against cauliflowers!" "You what?" Tenchi said. "Say, that was pretty good, Princess." "Thank you, Ryoko." "My turn," Washu said. "Let me see... Released into a highly-elliptical orbit around a black hole of approximately 10 solar masses, getting just close enough to the event horizon so that he doesn't fall in but is messily torn in half by the incredibly strong tidal effects. Hee hee! Oh, er, orange." Tenchi turned a little pale, then noticed that Nobuyuki had been writing it all down. "Er, Dad, what's this all about?" "Oh, we're just placing our usual small wager." "What, erm, kind of wager, specifically?" "We're wondering how you're going to get yourself almost killed this time, and what colour hair your new girlfriend will have." "Get myself... what on earth are you talking about?" Katsuhito gave Tenchi a withering (or possibly withered) stare. "Well, Tenchi, you do have a habit of rushing into battle without adequate prepara- tion, trying to be a hero, and getting yourself mashed to a pulp as a result." "What? When have I ever -" Aeka interrupted him. "Well, there was that time when we tried to storm the Souja, and you insisted on operating Ryu-oh's weapons, even though I was the only person who knew how to do it. You were blown to pieces." "Well, yes, but apart from that -" Washu interrupted this time. "Or the time that you tried to storm Dr. Clay's ship. I told you to wait while I located him, but would you listen? No-o-o! You had to charge in, with no idea of where to go, landed in entirely the wrong part of the ship, and got yourself turned into a black hole." Tenchi was beginning to feel a little flustered. "Er..." "And then there was the time you went off to Jurai by yourself and got stuck in subspace on the way back..." Ryoko began. Tenchi sagged. It was going to be a long evening. ----------------------- Author's Notes: Maybe some folks will consider this story in bad taste. I hope not. While I'm certainly laughing at some of the effects of aging (it happens to all of us, and it's your choice whether to laugh, whine, or suffer silently - I choose to laugh and at least get some benefit out of it) I'm certainly not laughing at people who suffer from those effects. The intent of this story is to poke fun at the fact that since the end of OAV 6 (or the end of the TV series, take your pick) nothing ever seems to change in the Tenchi Muyo universes. Oh, sure, Mayuka turned up in "Manatsu no Eve", and was continually referred to in subsequent "Dragon" Magazine stories. But at the end of those stories? The only real change was that Sasami was now going to school and was as likely to be found doing homework as cooking dinner. (She had acquired a pet kitten called Minka, too, but that's a minor point.) Aeka apparently decided to abandon her claim to the throne, and Tenchi decided not to decide: despite having gone to Jurai to sort out the Case of the Disappearing King, and being given a glimpse of his own possible futures, he came home and had everything carry on as before. Azusa still hated Tenchi's guts and regarded him as a wuss for being unable to decide between Ryoko and Aeka, while the queens still backed Aeka's desire to stay on Earth with Tenchi. In other words, no change. It took a long time to read those stories, due to my meagre Japanese reading skills, and that "here we are back at the beginning" feeling was a big let-down. So I wondered what things would be like if nothing kept on changing for the next few years... and decades... maybe centuries or millenia. If Tenchi never decided, and they all grew old together. What universe is this set in? Nominally the OAV/Manatsu no Eve universe, as the back-references show. Yet the aging and kappa references belong firmly in the TV universe. Either way, it's not important. Take the universe you prefer and plug the story in. It's the point that matters, not the setting. Oh, and yes, the "lost in subspace" incident did happen in the Dragon story. I didn't make it up. All C&C to <bobtmigo@teleport.com>. Don't spare the flamethrower. Bob Cannard December 6, 1998