Disclaimer: With the exception of myself (allegedly a real person) and Kain's sister (my invention), the characters in this fic and associated poll are the property of their respective owners (Pioneer/AIC in the case of the Tenchi Muyo characters). No claim upon them is intended nor should be inferred; this work of fan fiction and polling is for amusement only and not for profit. As far as is legally applicable, this work is (C) 1999, Robert J. Cannard. The copyright on quotes from the various ballots belong to the voters themselves. All comment and criticism is welcome, please email to fanfics@bobtmigo.com. Long, long ago, in a mailing list in the precincts of the Ryoko Forever Fan Club, a member by the name of Alexis wondered who - besides Ryoko - was the most beautiful of the Tenchi girls. Within moments, a fan going by the name of Lord Tenchi Masaki - deftly dodging wild blows from the real Tenchi - had listed his picks. It seemed obvious to suggest a poll. Rather than merely present the results, it seemed that making a fic out of it would be fun. And so, in the grand tradition of eternally stupid fic ideas, Studio Kaizoku presents: The First RFFC All-Comers No Holds Barred Beauty Steeplechase RYOKO: Oy! Whaddaya mean "all comers"? I thought this thing was only for Tenchi characters? And why can't I be in it?! BOB! I'm gonna kill ya! PUMA SISTERS [Dominion Tank Police]: Can we help? RYOKO: Huh? What do you two have against him? ANNA: Well, nothing really, only... UNI: We just enjoy a bit of needless violence now and then, y'know? RYOKO: Oh, sure, join in. Compiled and fictionalised by Bob T. Mi-go whose life expectancy leaves something to be desired. The scene: A pleasantly cool but sunny day in the fall. On the boardwalk in front of the Masaki home - the version from the 2nd OAV series, which extends over the lake - Tenchi, Nobuyuki and Katsuhito are sitting at a cloth-covered table and chatting quietly. More than 50 girls, women and others, all dressed in running outfits of various colours and degrees of skimpiness, are milling around near the start line of a chalked-out race track. Katsuhito looks - well - like Katsuhito always looks, Nobuyuki looks excited (he hasn't seen so many bare legs since he uncovered a centipede's nest), while Tenchi just looks bored. Anime otakus are standing and sitting at various points along the track. Some are slobbering. NOBUYUKI: And it's a splendid day here at the Masaki Race Track. We've gathered all the beauties from the Masaki household, and a few other shows, to find the most-liked, most adorable, most beautiful, and most sexy, or something like that. Katsuhito, would you care to tell the good folks watching from the comfort of their own homes about the rules of this contest? KATSUHITO: Ah, quite. Uh-humf. Well, we wanted this beauty contest to be as fair as possible, so the sponsor - TENCHI (looking at the empty seat, and all around): Er, where is the sponsor? An explosion is seen about half a mile away, and heard a couple of seconds later. It tosses a small figure high into the air. KATSUHITO: That explosion has Ryoko's style to it, so I would say that that is him coming now, by air mail. TENCHI: Shoot, that means Ryoko's coming back already... See ya! NOBUYUKI: Don't you want to see this, Tenchi? TENCHI: Well, Bob asked me to explain to Ryoko why she wasn't allowed in the race. I was, ha-ha, hoping it would take her a bit longer to find him because now she'll probably want a word with me, too. Tenchi vanishes under the table. A few moments later, a new girl, with long brown hair, a strangely masculine frame, and a furtive demeanour is seen among the runners. There is a mighty splash as the flying figure lands in the middle of the lake. Everyone turns to watch as he goes under, surfaces, goes under again, surfaces again, then goes under the third time. A few moments later he crawls out on the far side of the lake, only to find himself staring into the barrel of Mihoshi's Galaxy Police bazooka. MIHOSHI: Bob T. Mi-go, you are under arrest for knowingly and wilfully inserting yourself into a fanfic. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be taken down and MSTed without mercy. You have the right to coffee and a donut... KATSUHITO: Looks like it's all up for him. KIYONE (running on the spot at the start line): Nobuyuki, couldn't we start without Mihoshi? Pleeeeeeese? NOBUYUKI: No way. Father, you were explaining... KATSUHITO: Oh yes. Well, the sponsor had been watching too much "Battle Athletes"... A cardboard box with "AKARI HOUSE" painted on the side zooms up and screeches to a halt beside the table. Akari jumps out. AKARI [Battle Athletes]: So why wasn't I invited? Everyone's so mean to me! She bursts into tears, climbs back into the box and zooms away again. Tanya gleefully chases after her, on all fours as usual, somewhat in the fashion of a bad dog chasing a car. KATSUHITO: Ahem. Anyway, he decided that the fairest possible beauty contest would be a high-explosive, no holds barred steeplechase. Any runner who leaves the track or collapses is eliminated from that round and must go on to the next round. All entrants must finish or die trying. ALL CONTENDERS: Whaaaat?! NOBUYUKI: Isn't that rule a bit harsh? A few moments later, Mihoshi deposits a crystal cell containing Bob T. Mi-go - looking surprisingly like Dr. Clay at the end of OAV 12, but with less hair - on the boardwalk, then goes to join the other contenders. KATSUHITO: So, Nobuyuki, who's the favourite? NOBUYUKI: Well, Mihoshi clearly has good legs, but all considered, I think Aeka's classic looks will carry her through. KATSUHITO (raising a small starter's pistol): Very well, given that the race sponsor is indisposed and that Mihoshi is back, let's start the race! Ready... set... PISTOL: Bang! FATORA [El Hazard]: Erk! Princess Fatora melodramatically revolves three times, then topples into the lake. The runners watch her in fascination, then shrug and start running. NOBUYUKI: Good shot. Never liked her anyway. KATSUHITO: Nobuyuki, don't you have a job to do? Commentating, for example? NOBUYUKI: Ah - er - right... Well, the girls are off to a fine start. Princess Aeka is in fine form, sprinting confidently into the lead just ahead of Mihoshi and Tsunami... Suddenly there's a gust of wind, a cloud of dust, and runners fly in all directions. RYOKO, ANNA & UNI: Outta the way, suckers! AEKA (soaring): Aiieeeee! There is an elegant, princessly splash as Aeka falls into the lake, closely followed by Achika, Ryo-Ohki, Sakuya, Karin Aoi, Lina Inverse, Bloodberry and everyone else, leaving only Ryoko and the Puma Sisters on the track. RYOKO: Thanks, girls! See ya! Another explosion blows Anna and Uni into the lake. Ryoko charges ahead, blasting her way straight through the hurdles, fences and other obstacles scattered around the track, finally arriving at the finishing line - not merely the first to finish but the only one still on solid ground. KATSUHITO: I guess that's why the sponsor disqualified her. RYOKO: Ha! Didja see that, Tenchi? (Looking around, puzzled) Er, Tenchi? Where are you? Nobuyuki points at the lake, where a long-haired brown wig can be seen floating. RYOKO (slaps self on head): Oh, no... NOBUYUKI: The rules say he has to keep going until he finishes, so you might as well join us in the commentary box, Ryoko. RYOKO: Looks more like a commentary table to me. KATSUHITO: My, how picky we are. Ryoko takes Tenchi's seat and watches while the contestants gather for the second round. Katsuhito raises the gun again. PISTOL: Bang! AMERIA [Slayers]: Erk! NOBUYUKI: You know, if you keep shooting unpopular characters, we may run out of contestants. Besides, I've heard that the sponsor is an Ameria fan. RYOKO: I thought there was something weird about him. NOBUYUKI: Well, never mind. In any case, they're off to a fine start with Aeka once again taking an early lead. Behind her, it's neck-and-neck between Kiyone, Mihoshi, Tsunami, and Washu doing surprisingly well for such little legs - WASHU: Hah! There's more than one way to skin a cabbit! Observe how a true genius wins a race! Washu jumps and points a finger, and a big dimensional hole appears in the ground. Mihoshi and Kiyone fall in but manage to grab onto the edge. The main field of runners, and the few stragglers who couldn't see what happened, all plunge right into the hole. Washu lands neatly on the other side. WASHU: Mwa ha ha ha! TSUNAMI: Naughty, naughty, sister. WASHU: Wha? How did... TSUNAMI: You didn't really think you could catch a hologram in a dimensional hole, did you? Really, Washu, you're slipping. WASHU: Hmm, she's smarter than she looks... I know. Oh my goodness, Mihoshi and Kiyone can't get out! You must help them, Tsunami! TSUNAMI: Oh dear... Are you two okay? Here, let me help you - WASHU: Sucker. Arg! I forgot Aeka! Washu sprints for the line but it's too late, Aeka has already crossed it, riding serenely on Azaka. Washu finishes a few moments later. AEKA: And so truth and justice prevail and the beautiful princess wins the hand of her handsome prince. (Turns to look at the judges' table) TenchEEEK! Ryoko is sitting in Tenchi's chair, holding the winner's trophy - a gold statuette of Tenchi - in one hand, while pulling a face with the other. RYOKO: Nyaaah! AEKA: I thought you weren't in this race. RYOKO: Yeah, but everyone voted for me anyway. Is it my fault that I'm so popular and beautiful? Back on the track, Tsunami and Mihoshi are politely bowing to each other. Kiyone grabs Mihoshi's hand and drags her across the finish line while Tsunami is still in mid bow. KIYONE: I'll never understand why I did that. Tsunami rises from her latest bow to see that she's alone again. TSUNAMI: Ack! Cheats! How dishonorable! NOBUYUKI: And so we have the first six placings: First, Ryoko, second Aeka, third Washu, fourth Kiyone, fifth Mihoshi, sixth Tsunami. The remaining contestants go on to the third round. Washu, you can let them out of the hole now. WASHU: Okay! The hole floats a little way into the air. Contestants flop to the ground with various groans and thuds. KATSUHITO: This could get dull if we have too many more restarts. RYOKO: It's okay. We can stop once I find Tenchi, anyway. TENCHI (hiding behind Nahga the Serpent): Gulp. Ryoko grabs a sake bottle, and pretending it's a microphone, goes to Aeka. RYOKO: So, Princess, how do you feel about coming second, hee-hee? Sparks fly. KATSUHITO: We'll just leave that little scene to sort itself out and carry on with the third round. With all the favourites out of the way, this race may start to get strange. Over to you, Nobuyuki. NOBUYUKI: And I'm here at the starting line to have a word with some of the remaining contestants. Now this young lady here. Er, somehow you seem familiar... NAGI: Of course. I'm the one who beat Ryoko in the swimsuit contest, and I'm here to beat her again. Where is she hiding? NOBUYUKI: She already finished. First place. NAGI: What?! ThiscantbehappeningRyokoIwillgetyouifitsthelastthingIdoIswearit! NOBUYUKI: Ah-ha... Erm let's move on. And this pretty young lady would be - ACHIKA: Nobby? Is that really you? NOBUYUKI: Oh, my sainted wife. Nobuyuki turns pale and falls over. ACHIKA: Oh my... Poor Nobby, he never had much stamina. Oh well, I have a race to run. Keep some sake for me for afterwards, dear! PISTOL: Bang! MINMAY [Robotech]: Erk! KATSUHITO: Never could stand her on that dub. WASHU: And they're off to a flying start, with Achika and Nagi vying for the lead, Achika looking very relaxed but staying ahead by a neck. Nagi is looking more and more frustrated, she seems to be pulling out every stop but just can't match that Jurai blood - RYOKO (breaking off from pummelling Aeka): Who can't match what Jurai blood? WASHU: Never mind dear, you just carry on with your fun. A little further back are Mayuka and Sasami running neck and neck... MAYUKA: Has anyone seen my daddy? WASHU: One-track-mind, that girl. And Achika puts on a spurt to cross the line well ahead of Nagi, who finishes eighth, leaving Mayuka and Sasami - Ken-Ohki runs up excitedly to congratulate Nagi, and suddenly Ryo-Ohki gains new motivation. She flips into cabbit form - she'd been trying to run in her teenage form but even with Misaki's help she'd kept falling over - and zooms across the finish line faster than you can say "carrot cake". MISAKI: Ryo-Ohki! Adorable little Ryo-Ohki! Don't run away from me like that! WASHU: Oh, boy. And where there's cute, there's Misaki, and there's not much cuter than two cabbits in love. Someone get me some dental floss, please. The Second Queen of Jurai finishes tenth, to Sasami's dismay. KIYONE: Who invited Misaki to this race, anyway? AEKA (taking a break from stuffing mud into Ryoko's mouth): I did. Do you have a problem with that? MIHOSHI, KIYONE, WASHU: Uh-huh, not us, no sir-ee... KATSUHITO: And poor Sasami really seems to be befuddled by this turn of events. She's just standing there while Mayuka runs across the line. MAYUKA: I can't find my daddy. WASHU: Sheesh, that girl... Erm, don't you think we should do something about Sasami? At this rate none of us are going to get any lunch. MIHOSHI: Oh, erm, right. Er, Sasami, I think it's time for "Space Police Cadet". SASAMI: Eh? Aaahhh! Sasami dashes across the line and heads straight for the TV room. KATSUHITO: But isn't that show tomorrow? MIHOSHI: Erm, yup, now you come to mention it. KIYONE: So how's the rest of the field doing? WASHU: It's thinning out now. The main contenders have already finished, and now we find... oh, the regular fans aren't going to like this at all. It's neck-and-neck between the very stately Queen Funaho (how can she run in that heavy formal kimono, anyway?) and the upstart Sakuya, and... yes... Sakuya crosses the line just ahead of Funaho... RYOKO & AEKA (breaking off from trying to bury each other): What?! Letusather! SAKUYA: Er, gotta go... Someone say hi to Tenchi for me. KIYONE & MIHOSHI: No way! KATSUHITO: It would appear that all my fellow commentators are indisposed, busy, or trying to kill Sakuya. Well, let us see what the position is. And it looks like we're having a tooth-and-nail contest between two of Tenchi Muyo's less popular characters, with ultradimensional Lady Tokimi (who is running surprisingly slowly considering her projection in our universe is more than 100 feet tall) and Wannabe Queen of Juraihelm, the Cockroach Lady herself, Ramia - RAMIA: Hey, who are you calling "wannabe"? KATSUHITO: And Ramia puts on a burst of speed and crosses the finish line in fifteenth, and is heading this way... er, excuse me, I think I left the kettle on the boil at the shrine... Katsuhito disappears, closely followed by an enraged Ramia. There is now no-one left to record the results as Zero and Minagi somehow manage to spurt past Tokimi, who is followed by a long list of stragglers from various shows. TENCHI: Phew, thank god they've all gone. Now perhaps I can get rid of this stupid wig. RYOKO: Oh, there you are, Tenchi! Say, did anyone ever tell you that you look cute in girl's running shorts? TENCHI: Aw noooooo... THE END Notes: The poll that this was based on appeared on the Ryokoforever mailing list. Since it's a list run by and for the Ryoko Forever Fan Club, it seemed obvious that Ryoko would win, and for that and other reasons she was excluded from the poll. The poll rules also said that candidates must be of "lustable" age (excluding Sasami) and that candidates must have appeared in Tenchi Muyo or a spin-off. The voters could vote for as many candidates as they liked, but were asked to order them. That didn't stop people from voting for Ryoko or anyone else, however. In fact, one member (Andreas "TenMan" Juuhl) voted for four different versions of Ryoko, plus Zero and Minagi. And since I can never make up my mind as to who my second place favourite is (actually it's Bloodberry, but she isn't in TM) and tend to vacillate between Mihoshi and Aeka, I voted for the most comical list I could think of. Overall, 26 ballots were recorded at the time of this compilation, with a total of 52 candidates. About half were not from TM, and one of the candidates was made up of whole cloth. I had originally intended to count the votes strictly by the rules, but when I did the maths, it turned out that including the "guests" made little real difference to the result, except that Ryoko came first by a large margin. So I shrugged my shoulders and made a compilation of the entire thing. The votes were counted using a Perl program that implements a bizarre and arcane method that I call "multiple transferrable vote". This technique is neither fair nor just, but usually it works okay. The idea is that the winner is chosen by a "single transferrable vote" method. All votes for the winner are then eliminated and another single transferrable vote is run to choose the second-placer. This continues until everyone has been placed. "Single transferrable vote" works by adding up all the votes that put a candidate first. Usually, no candidate will have a majority, so the least popular candidates (and this is the tricky part: deciding who is least popular) are eliminated, one by one, and the votes re-cast until one candidate is left who has a majority of the remaining votes. Occasionally there's a tie. I used a few simple tie breakers but ultimately if a tie happened, so be it. The big disadvantage of multiple transferrable vote is that it can't give a meaningful number of votes for the various candidates - it's actually possible for the second-placer to get more votes than the winner. But the neat thing about it is that it gives a very long and detailed breakdown of the counting process, with a separate count for each placing - so with 52 candidates, there could be up to 52 rounds of counting (actually slightly less, because of the ties), with each round broken into steps as the back markers are eliminated. It wasn't a big leap of the imagination to go from there to describing the whole thing as a race. The first idea was to make each round of counting a round of the race, but that would have been boring and it seemed better to merge rounds together. The actual numeric results are listed below. The parenthesised numbers are the total vote for that character, calculated using a weighting system; it's included for curiosity value and as a double check to see how a weighted poll compares with the multi transferrable vote system: 1. (15.7731) Ryoko 2. (6.9946) Aeka 3. (6.9942) Washu 4. (6.7224) Kiyone 5. (6.2048) Mihoshi 6. (5.8506) Tsunami [Tenchi Muyo OAVs/Pretty Sammy/Magical Project S] 7. (3.3304) Achika [Tenchi Muyo in Love] 8. (2.7084) Nagi [Tenchi Muyo TV series] 9. (2.1161) Ryo-Ohki [Tenchi Muyo OAV 10-13] 10. (1.8617) Misaki [Tenchi Muyo OAV 13] 11. (1.2559) Mayuka [Manatsu no Eve (Daughter of Darkness)] 12. (1.1135) Sasami 13. (1.4911) Sakuya [Shin Tenchi Muyo] 14. (0.4916) Funaho [Tenchi Muyo OAV 13] 15. (0.5038) Ramia [Pretty Sammy/Magical Project S] 16. (1.0430) Zero [Tenchi Muyo OAV 11-12] 17. (1.0624) Minagi [Tenchi Muyo manga] 18. (0.0686) Tokimi [Tenchi Muyo OAVs 7-13] 19. (1.0000) Ifurita [El Hazard OAVs] & Cheesecake Monster [Magical Project S] 21. (1.0541) Anna Puma & Uni Puma [Dominion Tank Police] 23. (0.7000) Peorth [Oh My Goddess manga] & Tenchi 25. (0.4900) Kei [Dirty Pair Flash] & Funky Koni [Magical Project S] 27. (0.3430) Yuzuha [Manatsu no Eve] 28. (0.2401) Matori [Shin Tenchi Muyo] & Yuri [Dirty Pair Flash] 30. (0.1681) Pixy Misa [Pretty Sammy/Magical Project S] & Kain's cuter sister [imaginary] 32. (0.1176) Kagato [Tenchi Muyo OAVs] & Nahga [Slayers OAVs and movies] 34. (0.0673) Major Kusinagi [Ghost in the Shell] 35. (0.0824) Millenium Feria Nocturne [Lost Universe] & Brittany Diggers [Gold Digger] 37. (0.0576) Seiryuu in drag [Tenchi Muyo OAV 13] & Felicia [Dark Stalkers] 39. (0.0404) Gina Diggers [Gold Digger] & Dr Clay's space ship [Tenchi Muyo OAVs 11-12] 41. (0.0282) Rally Vincent [Gunsmith Cats] & Washubot B [Tenchi Muyo TV] 43. (0.0198) Tenko [Tenchi Muyo TV] & Natsumi Sugimoto [You're Under Arrest] 45. (0.0138) Karin Aoi [DNA^2] 46. (0.0068) Aimi [Shadow Lady] 47. (0.0047) Lina Inverse [Slayers] 48. (0.0033) Tifa Lockheart [Final Fantasy 7] 49. (0.0023) Gaia [Slayers Great] 50. (0.0016) Bloodberry [Saber Marionette J] 51. (0.0011) Chun Li [Street Fighter 2] 52. (0.0008) Hsien-ko [Dark Stalkers] For those who haven't seen the later Tenchi TV episodes, Tenko is Tenchi in a schoolgirl's uniform and a wig. The reference to Ramia as the "Cockroach Lady" may confuse those who haven't yet seen "Magical Project S" (or the Pretty Sammy TV series as it should be known). In that show, Ramia wears an outfit which - when seen from the rear - makes her look surprisingly like a cockroach. It goes with her nature: tough, energetic, and intensely annoying. The Dragon Smaug voted for Anna & Uni Puma, claiming the difference between them is negligible. Presumably the esteemed dragon hasn't read "Dominion Conflict 1: No More Noise". The complete set of ballots can (at this time) be found at: http://www.bobtmigo.com/rffc/beautypoll/ballots.txt They include the voter's comments and reasons for voting. Lake Oswego June 28, 1999.