[MST opened 20020411170300 Earth normal timescale GMT.] [Title = "TNF MST #2: Universal Insertion, MST of 'Stomach Wrenching Lemons'"] [Submitted by "Takana" to TMFFA] [The contents are not recommended for sentient or non-sentient entities.] Aboard the Nuclear One, Zetsura was apologizing for what happened earlier that day. The apology consisted of lots of spluttering and excuses, which weren't helping. Ryoko and Kagato advanced on him slowly with their lightswords humming, and Tenchi was looking confused in the background. "Of course I'll send you back. This was all a mistake." Zetsura took another step back. "Just let me get back to the bridge and we'll- HEY, WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE?!" Ryoko and Kagato strained to see why Zetsura had pointed at the plain metal wall behind them. Zetsura dashed for the open doorway and smacked the 'emergency bulkhead close' button. The blast door whisked shut behind him, and he jumped into the nearest elevator. "Bridge level" he said, and the elevator doors closed. He didn't see the dent (shaped like Ryoko's foot) form in the blast door. The elevator opened and Zetsura walked out into the beautifully decorated bridge of the spaceship. Its metallic, flowing design said 'power' and 'style' as clearly as an expensive Terran automobile. "DASI?" "Yes, Zetsura?" responded the ship's AI unit. "Take us down to the surface. Transport those three back to the surface as soon as we come into range." "Acknowledged." The starship descended rapidly, unaffected by the increasing air resistance. The outline of Japan grew to fill the nav window, then the area north of Okayama, where a crystal-blue lake nestled between forested mountains. "Sir, we are receiving a transmission from an unidentified source. Transmission is a video and audio data stream. Attempting to display..." A holographic comm window opened up and immediately fractured. "DASI, what happened?" "...system protections identified malicious content embedded in the transmission. It appears to be a fanfiction variant." Alarms started going off, and yes, there were lots of flashing lights, strobes, sirens, etc. In fact, there were so many distracting warnings, that Zetsura didn't see the message on his nav window. This message, in small red text, simply noted 'Collision imminent.' Two seconds later, the Nuclear One shook violently and Zetsura was thrown to the floor. He looked up just as a chubby, robed man hit the forward viewscreen and grabbed hold of a small antenna to halt what would have been a two-kilometer drop to the lake below. The man's puffy hat and curly gray beard gave the impression of a human whose head had been replaced with an octopus. 'Octopus Head' looked angry. He pounded on the viewscreen and pointed up at his own spaceship, which was perched on the Nuclear One's forward weapons mount. Zetsura heard DASI's distorted voice, "Transporter malfunction. Locked on all sentient lifeforms within two kilometers, transport engaged." Sasami, Noboyuki, Katsuhito, Washu, Ayeka, Mihoshi, and Ryo-Ohki appeared on the bridge with various surprised expressions ranging from Ayeka's shriek, to Mihoshi's "Oh my!", to Katsuhito's silence. Dr. Clay materialized and started railing at Zetsura. "YOU IDIOT! DRIVING YOUR STUPID SHIP INTO MY WAY! RIGHT WHEN I HAD WASHU IN MY SIGHTS! AAARRRRRGHH!!!!" DASI huffed. "YOU crashed into ME, you lame-ass tub of lard! Either move that piece of junk or lose it!" The warning lights and horns went off again, silencing their protests. Zetsura started herding everyone to the elevator, but not before "Please proceed to theater entry and take a seat - Fic begins in 5 minutes" played over the speakers. "Cool! We get to see a movie!" exclaimed Sasami. Zetsura shrugged. "We might as well see what it's about, while DASI sorts out the transporter problem." The Nuclear One shook again, and the remains of Clay's shuttle dropped past the viewscreen. "My ship!" wailed Dr. Clay, but Washu immobilized him in a statis crystal and started rolling it down the hallway. The trail of Tenchi's friends and family quickly made its way to the rebuilt theater, where Ryoko, Kagato, and Tenchi already waited. They seemed to have forgotten their earlier pursuit of Zetsura, especially after seeing the others approach. Everyone found a spot around the inseparable trio - Ryoko / Tenchi / Ayeka - and sat in the comfortable chairs. Washu keyed in a sequence on her holotop, and the crystal released Dr. Clay right as the theater lights dimmed. Memorecorders hovered away their docking cradles and started to read the brainwave patterns from each of the audience members. [Fanfic display activated. Viewer actions recorded and noted by ">".] /************************************************************** **DISCLAIMER: ** ** *************************************************************** ** This is an incredibly vile story. It involves the abuse ** ** of most every sin held by every major religion. Social ** ** moors are broken here that should not even be considered ** ** You should lock me up in a mental home for this piece of ** ** work. Yes, you should. You should whip me and beat me ** ** until I repent this awful vile pice of trash. You should ** ** do it dressed in vinyl and latex, and PVC clothes. You ** ** should all do it! Er.. uhm, yes. These characters are ** ** copyright AIC and Pioneer. They would never really do ** ** this. This should not be written owing to the fact that ** ** AIC and Pioneer are fine companies, and if this went ** ** into the mainstream public, would probably cause the ** ** shares of their stock to plummet through the ground, ** ** triggering further economic woes for the Japanese and the ** ** Americans, heralding in a new low in the recessions and ** ** possibly causing the destruction of civilization as we ** ** know it. We would be plunged into a new dark age, when ** ** foppish dandies would flap their wings, and poo poo at the** ** unenforceable notions of decency put forth by the local ** ** constabulary. ** ** The lah-tahs and the poofs would rule the world! ** ** In short, this story could cause the annihilation of all ** ** that we hold dear. You should not read this if you're ** ** easily offended, have a heart condition, are under the age** ** of 21, heterosexual, homosexual, a pornographer, a lawyer ** ** a clown, a member of the Master of Light Institute, or ** ** the Flat-Earth society. ** **************************************************************/ >Katsuhito (as McLaughlin, of The McLaughlin Group): "I ask you, on a scale of one to ten, with one representing absolute filth and ten representing god-like writing genius, how do you rate the fic so far? Eleanor?" >Ayeka (as Eleanor): "PVC chafes too mu- err...Seiryo didn't have wings. Two." >Katsuhito (as McLaughlin): "WRONG! Polyvinyl chloride is much more comfortable than isobutylcyanulate. Mor-ton???" >Noboyuki (as Morton): *drooling, thinking of Ayeka in minimal clothing made of various petroleum derivatives* >Katsuhito (as McLaughlin): "WRONG! Pat, your rating!" >Kagato (as Buchanan): "My isolationist policies would protect America's economy from the demise of AIC, but this 'dark age' is already upon us. I give it a five, for historical accuracy." >Katsuhito (as McLaughlin): "WRONG! While not the most complete disclaimer I've ever seen, it hits all of the appropriate points. When combined with the sense of foreboding that leaves seasoned MSTers quaking in their mental boots, my age- inspired wisdom allows me to pre-rate this fic as a negative six! Next topic, is the Earth flat?" /************************************************************** **EXPLANATION: ** ** *************************************************************** ** This lemon was written specifically to be the worst it ** ** could possibly be and to make people physically ill. You ** ** have been warned. ** ** Other working titles included: ** ** Pukemaster 7000 ** ** No need for condoms ** ** The bitterest lemon ** **************************************************************/ >Tenchi: "I've changed my mind. Reality can take care of itself. Sasami and I are leaving. We're both under twenty-one, and the disclaimer says we shouldn't read this." >Kagato: "You're not reading, you're watching. Sit down and take it like a man, boy." >Ryoko: "Hmmm... Well, I think that most lawyers are clowns. Does that count?" >Zetsura: "No. And we heterosexuals don't get to leave either." /************************************************************** **CONTENTS: ** ** *************************************************************** ** M/M, M/F, F/F, incest, rape, cross-dressing, drug use, ** ** chat-room-speak, BDSM, ray guns, running with scissors, ** ** torture, violence, nudity, horse rides, scatology, ** ** advanced topology, Nazis, Sakuya, Chaldeans, masturbation,** ** carrots and coarse language ** **************************************************************/ >Washu (dripping sarcasm): "Oooh, ADVANCED topology. And the study of fecal matter. If only I wasn't so busy measuring the imprint depth of my posterior on my floating cushion." *hesitates* "But Medopersia wiped out the Chaldeans long before the Nazi influence took hold in Europe. Unless my theory of time dilation also applies to...hmm..." *turns thoughtful* >Ryoko: "Torture and violence combined with Sakuya - this can't be too bad." >Noboyuki: "blah, blah, blah, nudity, blah, blah, bl- NUDITY? Save me a seat!" >Ayeka: "Incest is perfectly normal in nearly 0.003% of galactic cultures." >Katsuhito: "And masturbation is normal in 99.997% of galactic cultures." >Kagato: "Ray guns, how pitiful." *remembering* "Now Souja, that was a weapon. If only..." *wipes a tear away* >Sasami: "Horse rides! I always wanted a pony!" >Tsunami: *appears, replacing Sasami* "Now look what you did. I'll never hear the end of this. It's always 'Tsunami, can I have some bubble gum?' and 'Tsunami, I want a pony.' Tsunami this, Tsunami that - who does she think I am, Santa Claus?" *sighs* "Beside, running with scissors is not a good thing to teach young children." >Tenchi: "Cross-dressing. Is that what happens when I switch to the Light Hawk Armor?" >Ryo-Ohki: "Miya! MIYA!" -->Translating--> "Carrots! YUM!" >Dr. Clay (angry, as usual): "Washu, this is all your fault! Why do you keep torturing me you conniving &$#@^?!!" >Mihoshi: "Hey, there's something for everyone! I love M&M's - but they melt in my hands, not in my mouth." >Zetsura: *rolls his eyes* "Oh...BDSM...I do need use a new Boundary Diagram Systemic Multiplexer." Stomach Wrenching Lemons! A New Low! (By Eikon Ejecta Elblag) >Washu: "Whose name translates to 'Baby geek ate Jello, Inc.'" Tenchi plunged the needle into his arm. It was too much to bear. >Kagato: "Wuss boy. Already trying to escape your fate. What's the problem now, can't decide between one-ply or two-ply bathroom tissues?" >Tenchi: "Since I mastered the Light Hawk Wings, killing you again would be easy - but I'm not feeling merciful today." >Kagato: "Crud." >Mihoshi: *puts a little checkmark next to 'drug use' on the GP standard form for tallying up criminal charges* He had tried to stay clean off the junk, but the urges were too stong for him. The tightly wound piece of rubber tubing bit into his flesh, allowing the vein to rise, like a throbbing worm beneath his skin. >Tenchi: "AHHHHH! A chestburster alien! Kill me now, please!" The worm greedily drank the skag that was being fed to it. Tenchi lay back against his futon and felt the rush of force as the heroin crossed his blood-brain barrier. He had taken a huge dose. Coupled with the fact that he had given up Heroin for Lent, his starved body began convulsing and jittering. He felt euphoric. It was like having sex with a virgin goat. >Dr. Clay: "So the author is an expert on bestiality. Big surprise." >Ryoko: "Tenchi, I didn't know you were Jewish!" >Ayeka: "Tenchi's not Jewish, you brain-dead mummy!" >Ryoko: "GRRR! WHAT DID YOU SAY?" *holds plasma sword to Ayeka's throat* >Ayeka: "Uhhh...nothing, nothing..." >Ryoko: "That's what I thought, your royal prissness." *extinguishes sword* He felt horrible cramping pain. It was like having sex with a sea urchin (with all the spines). >All the guys: *cringe at the mental imagery* >Tsunami: "Kids, this is why your parents tell you to never use drugs." >Noboyuki: "I used to do drugs, but Achika-" *WHACK! Katsuhito's bokken leaves a dent in Noboyuki's thick skull* >Katsuhito: "Or you could end up like my son-in-law." There was a sudden rushing of his bowels, and his pants filled with liquid. "WTF!" he tried to gasp, but all he could do was flop like a limp phallus in a growing puddle of blood and shit. >All: *BAAARRRRRFFFFFFF!!!!* The room spun, he kicked over the candle he had used to sterilize his needle. The room went dark. "OMFG, I paid 80,000 yen for the H and I'm blacking out?! Firk ding splt!" he ejaculated. Then he realized the room was dark because he had kicked the candle over. >Washu (taking notes on her holotop): "Despite the fact that Tenchi has overdosed on heroin and just crapped out his entrails, he remains lucid enough recall the drug's original purchase price, speak fluent Karnagi, and hypothesize a cause-effect relationship for the lack of optical stimulation. This could be new evidence for the Light Hawk Wings!" >Kagato: "Or the author is writing a stirring tale for English class titled 'What happened to me last night'." "Oh good... I'm still here... it's just dark... Now, what did I shit out?" He felt inside of his pants and drew forth a slippery mass. "This is certainly an interesting poop!" he cried as he rubbed it against his cheek. "It seems stickier than most!" >Mihoshi: *adds a note about 'practicing scatology without a license' on the form under the category 'other charges'* The junk was inside his brain, bonding to his chemoreceptors and jumping up and down just as a goblin wearing a buff waist coat, blue breeches, and red shoes would. >Ryo-Ohki (as goblin, in child form): "Meow-meow Meow-meow Meow-meow Meow..." *sings 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star' while jumping up and down and tapping her fists together* "Hello, Poop!" >Mihoshi (as Poop): "Hidey-ho, Tenchi!" Tenchi creamily murmured as he slid the object in and out of his mouth. "You certainly are full of iron! I wonder what I ate to produce you!" He bit into the object and felt the liquid center gush forth. >Ryoko: "Gushers chewy fruit candy - NEW Mystery Flavor!" >Katsuhito (as announcer voice-over): "Snap into it - Snap into a Slim Jim!" >Noboyuki (as Slim Jim, wearing that brown jerky hat): "Eat Me!" >All: *edge away from Noboyuki, who proceeds to dance around and slam into the walls* he chewed thoughtfully, mashing the bloody object around his mouth, and finally swallowing it. The light came on. Tenchi blinked at the open doorway. "WTF!?!?!/1/!?!/1/1??1/1!" came a chorus of cries from the other side of the door. Tenchi's entire extended family, (including his aunt with little Taro) saw him curled on the floor, in a puddle of his own blood and feces, clutching the bleeding body of a decapitated, malformed, cancerous, aborted fetus. Tenchi felt its blind, sightless head with its gaping maw splash into his digestive juices, and begin to return nutrients to his body that it had taken only weeks before. It had returned to his gut, but this time it was on the other side of the walls of his stomach. A sweat drop appeared on Tenchi's forehead. The reader should take note that heroin usage will sometimes cause spontaneous abortions. This is what has happened here. Tenchi inadvertently aborted his child. >All: *Turn and stare in shock at Tenchi, who is curled up on the floor and occasionally twitching* >Zetsura (reading from Galaxy Police anti-drug pamphlet): "Heroin may cause cancer, birth defects, spontaneous abortions, and hallucinations. In two of thirty-eight thousand four hundred eighteen known cases, it has resulted in the spontaneous abortion of a cancerous, malformed fetus being carried to term within an individual of the male gender homo sapiens sapiens-jurai. Except in liquid concentrations below 7 ppb, heroin should not be taken while watching animated television of any sort, as it induces extreme desires to write crappy fanfiction in nearly 100% of test subjects." Ryoko flew, enraged, into the room and smashed Tenchi's head into the floor. "What the hell are you doing?!" she screamed. "What the hell is this?!" She lifted his body with one hand and pushed him through the wall. His features became bloody and distended, and his pants being weighted down with his blood and effluence fell to his ankles. "Would you like a real woman, Tenchi?!" She cried again, and rammed her fist up his ass to the elbow. She began to form an energy ball inside his body. Tenchi screamed. >Ayeka: "Now that sounds like something that Monster Woman here would do." >Ayeka tries to point at Ryoko, but she's not in her seat. Ayeka glances over her shoulder and sees that Ryoko has been trying to 'comfort' Tenchi in a darker part of the theater* >Ryoko: *breaks away from hugging Tenchi just long enough to give Ayeka the bird* >Ayeka: "HEY! QUIT USING THE FIC AS AN EXCUSE TO DRAPE YOURSELF ALL OVER LORD TENCHI!" >Washu: *elbows Ayeka and points at the screen* "Uh, Ayeka...you might want to pay attention to this part..." Ayeka strode into the room wearing nothing but spike heeled shoes, a black leather apron, and a dentist's facemask. In her hands she held a large set of pliers. >Ayeka (trying to act surprised and indignant): "Why I never! A proper princess wouldn't consider such depravity!" >Washu, Katsuhito, and Ryoko: *snickering* >Noboyuki (waking up from his head-banging): *eyes wide, mouth open, drool puddle spreading* "This won't hurt a bit, my perverted little Jurian prince!" she cackled. She reached into his mouth with the pliers, gripped his left second molar and yanked. Because his mouth was so slippery from the blood the pliers fell off and she had to wrench at it several times before it finally came out in her hand. "Let's see you eat my little slutsters cooking now, you wench!" She cried and smashed the pliers into his front teeth, shattering some of them. She found an exposed nerve and began to pick at it with her long talon like fingernails. Tenchi at this point was screaming. He was impaled on Ryoko's fist, while Ayeka picked at raw nerves in his mouth, he tried to struggle, but couldn't lift his arms or legs (since heroin's short term side effects include a heaviness in the limbs, and Washu had cut it with muscle relaxant.) >Kagato (into tape recorder he pulls from previously-nonexistent suit pocket): "Note to self. Get orthodontics degree from mail order college, purchase plumbing wrench, and open Okayama clinic. Stock supply of heroin and muscle relaxant for 'unwilling' clients, and rebuild the Souja in my garage using spare parts taken from my Jaguar and Lamborghini collection." >All: O_o; >Kagato: *slips the tape recorder out of sight* "What?" "Ryoko! Down!" Ayeka snapped, her red painted labia flapping wildly. "Yes, my queen!" Ryoko submissively submitted >Washu (as the author, reading from a dictionary): "by subjectively substituting sub-standard subcompact Subarus for subliminal submarines in sublime submission to subjugated subordinate subcontractors." >Ryoko (barely controlling her anger): "VERY funny, MOM. Why don't you stuff it up your sub-ASS!?" >Ayeka: *cackles* >Ryoko: *glares at Ayeka* >Tenchi: *hides behind a chair, in hopes that the storm will pass over* and dropped Tenchi to the floor. She extracted her fist from his ass and began to lick it appreicatively. Ayeka stuck one of her heels into his navel and stamped down hard. This had the effect of rupturing his liver and flooding his alimentary canal with bile. Tenchi writhed in pain and she kicked and stamped at him. "You bastard!" she cried "Popping skag without me?! Doing junk without calling your little slut junket?!" She began breathing fire, and scorching him in the process. It is a little known fact that firebreathing is a recessive gene in the Jurian royal family. As it turns out, only those with purple hair can do it. Ayeka had been trained by sexy bald monks from a very early age in the art of ejecting flame from all of her orifice. (This included her butt) She blasted him with a gout of fire. >Ryoko (badly dubbed): "Ahhhh! It is Godzilla! We must run to the shelter!" >Dr Clay (ditto): "We are doomed. Oh no! The city is in flames." >Ryoko (scientist): "Godzilla's ass is burning our shipping center. The children will know what to do." >Ayeka: "Why you little-" *floating logs appear* >Ryoko: "Uh-oh..." *phases out* >*KKKKRRAAZZZAP!!!* >Dr Clay (toasty and golden brown): "Uuuuuggh..." "Say it! Call me your little slut junket!" "You are my little slut junket!" he screamed. She stamped on his throat. "LOUDER!" "You are my little slut junket!" he tried to get the words out, but as her shiny black leather heel was quashing his larynx, he could only manage a coarse whisper. She did not like this. Yosho handed her a whip and she began to beat him mercilessly with it. "Slut junket! (whack) Slut junket!! (whack) Slut junket!!! (whack!) I AM YOUR SLUT JUNKET!!!! (WHACK!!)" >Ayeka (as Mojo Jojo): "Slut junket! Say it to me! Princess Ayeka of Juria! For it is I who possess the junket, and the slut! Which is you! Tenchi! Making you the slut junket! Under my control! The control of me! The Princess! Ayeka! Me! AHAHAHAHAHA!!" >Tenchi (as The Professor): "Bad monkey!" >Ryoko (as Buttercup): >Ayeka (as Mojo Jojo): "ow..." Ryoko in the meantime had finished licking her arm clean of Tenchi's fecal matter and had begun to have sex with baby Taro along with Tenchi's aunt. Nobuyuki was being fellated by Azaka and Kamadake, while Yosho was having his pick of Sasami and Washu, those with the youngest and most pure bodies. Mihoshi and Kiyone did not have sex. Instead, they stripped naked and began to lick the floor with their tongues. >Zetsura: "This is deteriorating fast." >Tsunami: "What a sick mind - how can anyone think such wicked things?" *weeping* "Poor little Sasami!" >Tenchi: *crying* "Taro - my nephew - how could you do this to him?" >Noboyuki (cringing): "Ewww - logs - splintery." The orgy lasted for 12 hours, and caused a cumulative production of five gallons of jism. Using a handy replicator Washu had, they began to bathe in the onsen, in a pool of pure sperm. Miraculously, all of Tenchi's wounds were healed. When you have the goddess of science living under your stairs, these things can happen. Baby Taro splashed happily in the semen, giggling and throwing balls of the goop around. His tiny infant member was tumescent with joy. Kiyone watched him, her own vagina becoming moist as she schemed. She swam the river of spooge using a graceful breaststroke until she was next to Taro. She stopped breaststroking as she picked up Taro's young nubile body. >Washu (inspired): "Kiyone! I knew it! It's not the true OAV universe! We're safe!" >Mihoshi (confused): "Who's Kiyone?" >Zetsura (whispering, to Washu): "Ixnay Iyonekay - we've got to keep the author from recognizing the flaw." *louder* "I've got a plan. Listen up, everyone..." >A few minutes later... >Ayeka: "So we can enter this alternate universe..." >Tsunami: "And destroy it with risking any of the normal universes..." >Katsuhito: "Because we're not really the same people..." >Ryoko: "and if we wait too long, it will leak across the multiverse on its own?" >Mihoshi: "I don't get it." >Tenchi: "That's ok, Mihoshi. Don't worry about it." >Washu: "It just might work." *pulls up her holo-top and starts typing away* "But we have to do it quickly. We'll only have a short time before the fic universe leaks through our portal and corrupts this universe." "I think little Taro is getting excited about something!" she said, drawing forth a handful of semen, running it through her silky black hair and using the rest as lubrication to stroke Taro's penis. "What do you think it could be?" She held Taro up to Ryoko, who was bathing naked under a semen-fall of the man-slime. As Ryoko lifted her head into the waterfall, and opened her mouth and began to drink greedily, Taro made a noise and voided his bowels. Kiyone took a small log of the dung and chewed thoughtfully on it. She pointed Taro towards Ayeka who was bound completely in black leather straps with a 22" dildo rammed up her ass, and being whipped by Sasami in a miniature dominatrix's costume. Taro burped and yawned, but did not do anything else. >Ayeka and Tsunami: "Hurry, Washu!" >Washu (typing furiously): "Almost...ready...and...NOW!" >A portal opened, blasted lightnings for a moment, then stabilized into an open doorway. >Tenchi and Ryoko rushed into the portal, followed by Zetsura, Washu, Mihoshi, Ayeka, Katsuhito (dragging Kagato), and Tsunami. Noboyuki and Dr. Clay were left staring at the screen. >The travellers were fortunate enough to miss the next scene as they made the not-quite-instantaneous jump to the fic universe. "Oh mistress Sasami!" Ayeka called "Beat me harder! I beg of you!" Sasami had a ball gag in her mouth a butt plug up her ass, and an even larger dildo (25") strapped onto her shaved pubics. As she beat Ayeka, she rammed her sister's vagina with the dildo, causing Ayeka to scream and moan more. Blood spurted. >Noboyuki and Clay: **HHHHUUUUUUURRRRRRLLLLLLL!!!!!!!** Kiyone pointed Taro at Tenchi, and Taro giggled. Kiyone's eyes brightened. "Everyone, I think little Taro wants to have sex with Tenchi!" she called. Taro burped and shook his head. "He's concerned about possibly being labeled as 'gay'." Yosho (who was naked) wisely said, as he rode Nobuyuki as one rides a horse. Nobuyuki, also naked, reared back, pawed at the air and pretended to neigh. His own erect member scraping the ground behind them. >Dr Clay: *watching the screen, notices a dark opening appear in space over the 'horse' and 'rider'* "There - there they are!" >Tenchi fell out of the portal, and would have slammed false-Yosho and false-Noboyuki to the stone floor of the onsen. However, he passed through them as if they were ghosts - insubstantial figures in a hideous display. He rolled to a stop against a low planter. >Ryoko flew out of the portal, but everyone else gracefully (or not so gracefully) landed on the onsen deck, thankfully avoiding the pools of sticky fluid. "I have the solution to that!" cried Washu, and she pointed a small ray gun at Tenchi. As she fired, his hair turned mousy brown and grew down to his shoulders. Working as fast as she could, Washu quickly tied Tenchi's now long hair into identical pigtails. "Everyone! You remember Tenko! Back from when we had to pass that Jurian checkpoint and overthrow Kagato?" Everyone agreed. They had been sought by the Galaxy Police as well as the Jurian military, and had to alter their appearances. Since they were pretending to be a passing tour of schoolgirls, Tenchi had been forced into a dress and given the name "Tenko" Little Taro pointed, giggled, vomited, and nodded. >Washu (tapping away on holotop): "We're here, but they aren't - at least not completely." >Ryoko: *moves to strike ghost-Ayeka with her plasma sword, but it sweeps through with no effect* "Damn!" >Ayeka: "Oh sure! Try to hit the one that looks like me first! Typical." >Ryoko: "You...she...I mean, she was closer! >Katsuhito: "They can't even see us." "Come on everyone!" Washu cried, forcing the protesting Tenchi towards the door. "Don't worry Taro, we'll have Tenko back here in no time!" Kiyone stayed with Taro, playing games with him as only a 'funny' uncle could. Soon Washu poked her head in the door and called "She's ready! Send little Taro in here!" Kiyone took Taro's hand and helped him stagger towards the door. >Mihoshi chose to somehow drop her gun. It clattered to the floor, firing off a random shot that flew up into space. Space, which was normally empty. Normally. But not at that instant - a ship was drifting aimlessly through the void, heading slowly to Earth. It was this ship that was hit, and in fact, there was a button right in the spot where the laser struck. The ship was undamaged, but the button activated the cargo door, which disgorged a group of caged beings. All the other girls filed out and began committing sapphic acts with each other in the semen filled onsen. Kiyone pushed Taro through the door. Tenko lay sprawled across a dias, his body was barely covered by one of Ayeka's gowns. His face was made up, and he was handcuffed to the bedposts. Taro suddenly seemed a lot more sure in his walking. He knew what he wanted and that it was right there, helpless before him. >Tenchi: "Washu, can't you do something? Make them see us so we can try to make them stop?" >Washu: "No, Tenchi - but I can use THIS!" *pulls a huge handgun out of subspace* >Mihoshi: "Uh, Washu? Isn't that gun a bit too big?" >Washu: "Of course not! It's the one, the only, Super Phaserator! Watch as I demonstrate!" >Washu twists the large dial on the side of the gun, then points it at Tenko. A three-shot blast of energy sweeps out from the twenty-centimeter bore of the gun. TaroXXXlked with a new boldness towards the struggling Tenko. Tenko strugX Xat her XXXds. Damn Washu and her skill at tying Gordian knots! Tenko XXXmitted X Xshu's superior aptitude in topoXXXX, and wept. Taro reached the dias XXX fell over once as he tried to X Xit. He got up with renewed vigor and stood on the dias with TenkoX X towering 2'8" figure looked down on the prone struggling man-girl.XXXX fell to all fours again and began to crawl under the silk kimono. >Washu: "Dammit! I missed!" >All: *stare wide-eyed at the holes in the wall, and in the trees behind that, and in the mountains behind the trees* >Washu: "Lemme try again. This time I can't miss!" *twists the dial to 'wide field' and pulls the trigger* With strength that coulx only be gaxnxd by exxreme dxtermioiomx oe oxppod xooko'oxfuozy leopardxooint pantxos ofx of Txnko'x xexotxos. xenkoxocreomex ano pleaxed for meocy.x He wao bxing raxex by an oofantxwhilexwearing the girls' clotoxs. oxoofound hioselfxbecominoxoxotexouonedoon. Ayeoa's kioono felt so softoxnxoslippxry againso his skix. Txoko's member rxxe, and Taro mooxted xo with hixoxss. oxarx oxuoced, ao baboxs oftxn will bounce ifxleft to its own deviceso xo when dropped oy aoxot snatcher. >Ghost-Taro's form wavered, as did Tenko's. But a moment later, they stabilized, leaving them untouched despite the many small holes in the floor and walls behind them. >Washu: "That's impossible...unless..." >Mihoshi: "Unless what?" >Washu: "This is a real universe, but these ghost-versions of us are not." >Zetsura: "Indeed - if they are just figments of the author's imagination, then we can't affect them at all." >Kagato: "What about that 'domain controller' that stopped the last fic?" >Zetsura: "I've already tried it, but there's no answer." *glances around* "Hey, the portal's gone! So that's why it's not working." Tenko and Taro both screamed at the same time; Tenko's voice a high falsetto, in sharp contrast to Taro's infant wails. Suddenly, the door opened, and a man walked in wearing a filthy black poncho made of burlap sacks that had been soiled with ashes. His head was bald (thought not by natural means), and it looked as though he had been wailing in the desert for many weeks. Tenko looked at him and asked in a sultry voice "Who are you sir, and why have you entered my boudoir?" 1:1 The man replied, "My name is not important. I have come from the land of Uz to protest the horrible state of affairs in the world! 1:2 I used to have great fortune, many children, and grand homes. 1:3 They were all taken from me in an instant. Whirlwinds caused the walls of my house to fall on my children! 1:4 Sabeans slaughtered my sheep and goats! 1:5 Chaldeans slew my camels and servants by amassing in three bands and putting them to the sword!" As he said 'goats', Tenko smiled dreamily. >Katsuhito frowned silently. >Ryoko paced restlessly. >Tenchi barfed mightily. >Ayeka sobbed quietly. >Mihoshi blinked innocently. >Ryo-Ohki miya'd pitifully. >Tsunami winced sympathetically. >Kagato groaned. >Ryoko: "Look, if you're going to join in, you can at least do it right." *punches Kagato in the arm* >Kagato groaned painfully. >Ryoko: "That's better." 1:6 I protest all of this because it is morally wrong! 1:7 If you continue on this path, you shall surely die a most ignoble death!" Taro had crawled and found a pair of scissors and, running back, had cut Tenko's bonds. Tenko sat up rubbing her wrists. >Katsuhito: "We need a way back to our own world, even if we can't help this place." >Washu: "Right. Zetsura, what do you know about trans-universal portals?" >Zetsura: "Not enough to make one myself, but..." >Washu: "Let's get started. You can get a normalization ring set up while I-" >Washu and Zetsura wander off, still talking while they look for an open spot. "It sounds like you've had a rough time of it," she purred. "Why don't you come on over and show me what's under that sackcloth?" >All except Washu and Zetsura: "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S SACRED, DON'T DO IT!" 1:8 The man looked at Tenko harshly and said, "NO!" >All except Washu and Zetsura: "Good Answer! Good Answer!" With that, he turned and walked out the door. Tenko got off the bed and went to look for something a little less drafty to wear. She settled on a pair of orange sweatpants and a giant carrot suit. She had briefly considered dressing up in one of Washu's nurse outfits, but figured it wouldn't fit, and Ryoko would not part with her signature green and orange jacket. She would have to go lingerie shopping with the other girls someday soon. >Ryoko: *sighs* "If only our Tenchi would loosen up a bit and go shopping with me." >Ayeka: "Juraian formal wear is much more sensual that this primitive clothing. Why, it barely covers the skin! Ten or fifteen layers of the finest fabrics really put guys in the mood." >Ryoko: "Good grief! It must take three hours just to get dressed every day." >Ayeka (thoughtfully): "Well...yes, that's about right." >Katsuhito (whispering to Ryoko): "She looked like a walking laundry basket." As Tenchi walked back into the onsen, dressed as a giant carrot (and wearing a fresh pair of Sasami's undies.) he could not have picked a better time. Mihoshi was dressed in her hot pink mecha suit, and Ryoko slid sensuously and thigmotropically around her armored form. Meanwhile Sasami had been ramming a cucumber up Hitler's ass. >Zetsura glanced over just in time to comment. "First good thing that's happened since we've been here." Hitler and his top generals had decided to stop by for some of Sasami's "home cooking". Von Ribbentrop and Skorzeny were riding Kiyone and Sakuya respectively. Skorzeny, in the throes of passion blurted something about a final solution, and ripped Sakuya's head off. When they all saw Tenchi in his carrot suit, they ran towards him begging him to stick himself up their asses. >Kagato: "Thus proving Kerbenthorpe's extension of Rembelski's Theorem, which states that Nazis are assholes. Kerbenthorpe postulated that Nazis are in fact huge assholes, and should be repeatedly violated with overgrown vegetables. Et cetera, ad nauseum, E pluribus unum." At the forefront however was Ryo-ohki! The cabbit had been on an extended vacation with her cousins in Malta. They had visited the esteemed Dr. Benway who had introduced them to the hedonistic and sensual pleasures that can only come when one man has sex with a young catamite, that is to say, a young boy kept especially for the purposes of being reamed up the ass. Ryo-ohki was now a card carrying member of JCBLA, the Japanese Cabbit-Boy Love Association, an offshoot of NAMBLA. Ryo-ohki pounced on Tenchi's carrot form, crawled inside the suit, and began to masturbate while at the same time sucking on Tenchi's wang. >Tsunami: *eyes roll back until her eyes show only white, and faints* >Washu: "Sister!" *runs over and kneels next to Tsunami's prone form* "Sister, wake up! You've got to wake up!" *lifts one of Tsunami's eyelids, but there's no pupil* Ayeka in her usual jealous self took Hitler and began to kiss him passionately in front of Tenchi, knowing that he had a weakness for Aryan men. This had the desired effect, and soon, Hitler, Tenchi, Ayeka, and Ryo-ohki were having a menage-a-quatre. Ayeka stroked Hitler's small bushy mustache as she whispered further atrocities into his ear. >High above the Pacific Ocean, five thousand kilometers to the east, five small, colorful objects began a shallow descent into the atmosphere. Heading westward at slightly less than twenty kilometers per second, the five inbound blobs began to heat up. Four could be described as chubby, furry creatures with oddly-bent clothes hangers coming out of the top of their heads. Their cages melted away, releasing them in a ballistic arc. As Hitler shot his load into Tenchi's carrot suited ass, Sasami had moved off to the kitchen with other plans in mind. She had seen where the cabbit had come from, and she resented her for it. Ryo-ohki was her special cabbit, and the trip to Malta was a slap in the face to their secret homosexual relationship. Ryo-ohki wandered into the kitchen with the "freshly fucked" look on her face. Sasami had seen that look all too many times. She had seen it so often after the two of them had finished making love in their shared bed. Apparently Ryo-ohki cared nothing about commitment. She would pay for her lack of morals! >The second-smallest alien's fur blackened and roasted, and it wailed in pain. The pain was brief, for its body failed to withstand the internal pressure of its innards boiling from air-friction heating. Still over international waters, the creature died in a burst of gory flesh that sent chunks of burnt meat sailing gracefully to the ocean below. Sasami liltingly called out to the Cabbit. "Ryo-ohki! Have you seen my gloves anywhere?" Ryo-ohki bounded up to Sasami and mewed, shaking her head. The young Jurian princess picked up Ryo-ohki and set her gently on the counter. >Outside, the hurtling purple Teletubbie and its nearby companion caught false-Noboyuki and false-Yosho off guard, smearing their corpses across nine hundred meters of forest terrain. Bloody bits of Teletubbies, broken tree limbs, and unrecognizable fleshy matter were all that remained after the sonic boom faded away. "There there, Ryo-ohki... I'm sure they're around somewhere. The problem is, I need them if I'm going to finish cooking dinner. You should always wear gloves when making meals, it's not sanitary otherwise." Sasami mused softly as Ryo-ohki looked up at her with large round eyes, beginning to sense that something was the matter. Sasami took some freshly chopped carrots that she had prepared and brought them to Ryo-ohki. "Here." she said "You can have these. I chopped some extra ones after putting the rest in the stew." >Washu and Zetsura work furiously on opening a stable portal back to the original universe. >Washu (wiping sweat from her brow): "This patch won't be pretty, you know." >Zetsura (struggling to connect the quark motivator's power supply): "As long as it works, that's all I care about." >Ayeka: "This 'domain controller' is going to save us? Are you sure?" >Zetsura: "No, but it's all we've got to work with." >Ryoko: *ducks as a high-speed purple projectile zooms a few meters over her cyan hair* "Heads up!" Ryo-ohki's apprehension was instantly dispelled as she drooled over the finely chopped carrot pieces. She mewed happily and began to eat them greedily. Sasami took a butcher's knife in her hand and began to softly run her finger back and forth across the blade. Ryo-ohki continued to eat obliviously, though she wondered why Sasami had decided to cut so many extra carrots for her. Sasami ran the blade of the cleaver in between the web of her middle and ring finger, just hard enough to open the skin and cause a small droplet of blood to appear on the blade's gleaming surface. She winced slightly at the pain, but watched fascinated as the blood pooled at the base of the knife and began to drip on the floor. "So pretty," she murmured. >The purple dinosaur had slowed to one-fourth its original re-entry speed, but this was more than enough. Barney plowed ass-first into the Nazi generals Von Ribbentrop and Skorzeny, atomizing them along with Taro and ending the dinosaur's reign of terror in a fierce blast that shook the house...but the occupants were too busy to notice. Sasami gently placed her hand on Ryo-ohki's back and pressed the knife into her neck. Ryo-ohki screamed and tried to scramble away, but Sasami, shoved the blade downwards onto the cutting board. It was not a clean cut. Blood pooled all around the countertop, matting the cabbit's fur and causing Sasami's apron to become spattered as Ryo-ohki's paws flicked blood like drops of water from a pond. "Idiot!" Sasami thought to herself. "I should have used a serrated blade!" She picked up Ryo-ohki by a rear paw and slammed her head on the countertop. Sasami could hear some of the bones in the cabbit's neck crack. Holding Ryo-ohki by the ears now, she inspected the jagged crescent shaped slash that cut across the cabbit's neck. Yes, some of the vertebrae were definitely broken. Sasami greedily pressed her face into the messy wound and began to drink. Ryo-ohki's fur tickled her nose as her teeth tore at the flesh. >"Po!" cried the smallest Teletubbie as it crashed through the roof of the Masaki house. Mercifully, false-Sasami and false-Ryo-Ohki died instantly as the high-velocity impact vaporized them, the unlucky creature, the kitchen, and a sizable portion of the alluvial soil beneath. The crater filled slowly with lake water, and steam rose from the superheated rocks to fill the house with fog. Hitler was still in the living room, but this time, he was wearing Kiyone's headband and a short taffeta dress. Suddenly, the sounds of Yiddish singing filtered through the air. Hitler jumped up and cried "Juden Raus!" >Tsunami: *suddenly sits upright, eyes open, normal this time* "AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaa" *gasp* "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" >All: "What! What happened?" >Tsunami (gasping for breath): "I saw...the future...in my dream...it... it was HORRIBLE! IT WAS EVIL! PLEASE KILL ME NOW!" *collapses again* Outside the house however, a gigantic 20 foot tall man with the distended head of an ibis was the one that was doing the singing. He knelt on one knee and fired rainbow bursts of semen from his nine headed penis. The spurts came in time with the words, which nobody understood. Hitler drew his revolver and fired at the being, which could only be described as the Egyptian god Thoth. Thoth turned and proceeded to whip Hitler with his nine phalluses. Hitler soon fell to the ground muddying the beautiful dress he was wearing. Thoth did not stop, His penises grew longer and longer, until they were as parts of a whip. Hitler was being whipped by a cat'o'nine penises. After Hitler had been summarily killed, and his body covered in flesh-eating crabs, Thoth removed his member and it morphed into a menorah. Gripping it tightly, and riding it like a broomstick, he flew off into the sky with the menorah shooting flames behind him. He never had stopped singing the deep booming Yiddish words. The Masaki family truly did not know what to make of this at all, so they began to fuck each other again. >Zetsura and Washu finished their work on the universe patch-through. >Washu: "Alright! Let's see what this baby can do!" >Zetsura: "Here goes..." *calls out into the swirling portal* "Domain control request, emergency priority!" >Nothing happened for a moment. >Out of the portal pops a small black sphere. It floats toward Zetsura until it is about a meter away, then plunges to the ground as if the sphere had been suspended by strings that were cut. >The sphere crushes the ground beneath, shaking it so hard that the three scientists stumble and fall. They crawl closer to the black device when it stops moving. >Across its surface, faint green lettering appeared. "Initial logic test failed. Universe is stable but nearby entities are being controlled by an unauthorized source. Attempting to regain control by logic probe." >Pathways of light traced out a complex web on the glossy sphere, and what looked like holographic spikes surrounded the false members of the Masaki household. >The twenty-plus spikes around each person slowly drove into their bodies, doing no physical damage. When the spikes stopped, they turned brilliant shades of red, blue, green, and yellow. False-Tenchi froze in place, as did false-Kiyone, false-Ryoko, and the others. >For a while, it seemed that the effects of the spikes were being fought. The ghostly beings writhed on the ground or growled or cried out and the spikes flickered wildly. Then without warning, the ghosts turned into fading dust and the spikes vanished an instant later. >The remaining (real) people clustered near the portal and grounded sphere. New writing formed as they watched. "Unauthorized source has abandoned control. Universe destabilizing. Trans-universal gate held for forty seconds." >It rose up into the air and flew back through the portal, followed by the rushed passage of Washu, Tenchi, Ryoko, Ayeka, Tsunami, Zetsura, Katsuhito, and Mihoshi. >Anyone left would have seen the portal close just before the sky and earth split open and dissolved to black. [Fanfic display terminated due to loss of source transmission. Memorecorders returned to standby state.] Back in the theater, Noboyuki and Dr. Clay found their deep discussion of the habits of women from around the galaxy interrupted by the crowd that poured out of the reopened portal. Noboyuki hastily pocketed the viewing cube given to him by Dr. Clay, while the doctor shoved a stack of magazines under his chair. An 'exchange of knowledge' was necessary, they had decided. Ryoko and Kagato were once again chasing Zetsura around the room. "Now you pay!" shouted Kagato. Zetsura paled. "It's not my fault! I don't make up this crap - blame the authors!" "Oh, we'll blame them - right after we finish with you!" Ryoko tripped him, but Zetsura rolled away before her lightsword struck the floor. He ran out of the open doorway at top speed. "Huff...huff...DASI, can you...huff...send them back...huff...yet?" "Yes sir," responded DASI, "transporters are functional." "Don't waste your time. We're leaving." Washu declared, and pressed a button on her holotop. Everyone else phased out, presumably back to the shrine and Masaki house. Zetsura slumped down and leaned against a wall outside the theater. "Take us back into orbit, please." "Acknowledged." The Nuclear One rose, gaining speed as it moved away from Okayama and passed over the mountain chains of central Japan. "I've got to take a nap, DASI. Don't bug me unless it's really important." Zetsura barely found his sleeping quarters before he fell into a dreamless sleep. Elsewhere on the Nuclear One... Dr Clay wandered down a long passageway and turned a corner, but saw only another long corridor. "Washu, what did you do to me this time!!? What about my ship?" wailed Dr. Clay. "Can anybody hear me? ... Anyone? ... GET ME OUT OF HERE!" [MST closed. Recording terminated 20020413165400 Earth normal timescale GMT.]