No Need For A Reality Check

Hurr hurr... Oi wont me vittles...
Who did this, you say? You want to know who to put in the paddy wagon?
I’ll tell you who!
It was...
Alexander, the Genius Who Cracked Fermat’s Last Theorem to the Tenth Exponent and 
Deciphered Multidimensional Space (not to mention fought off the Shivan armada, 
Boltroan armada, Plactocblocese armada, Gremlin armada), Commander-In-Chief of all 
Military on New Vegeta, and Head of State of The People’s Republic Of New Vegeta, and 
Savior of All Humanity. In case you can’t put all this on the author’s name...
The Evergreen Cortex.
 I sure have quite an ego, don’t I? I suppose that this side of me is only revealed when I 
write to people I’m never going to see in my life... Hey! They’re sucking the air out of my 
domicile! I have to finish writing this fic quickly!

Oy, 
Anchanduraneakernintelingornasniphoochakachakahoochakachakahoochakachakabelelelelel
elelelelelelelwoipnenenesalyip! And AWACS too! I sure hope they stop sucking the air 
out... otherwise I’m going to die... or is that their intent? Probably... wait, no that was just 
the air conditioning... oh well! Now I have a lot longer to write now that I’m not going to 
suffocate, by the way, since I am so insane, if you decide to place this fic in your archives 
perhaps on a dare or something then it should be placed in the miscellaneous section 
because it is completely off the wall. Oh, by the way, you’ve got a boogie in your nose.

Synopsis: Kagato is resurrected by none other than yours truly for the sake of a plot and 
plots (I can use a word as a noun and a verb in the same sentence, can’t I?) to take over the 
galaxy... Our heroes try to stop him... you just might recognize some of the characters 
themes etc that I’ve taken the liberty of adding... I am absolutely sure now that you are 
going to cut this synopsis... goodbye. My grammar is much better in the story.

You still have that boogie.

(Now, try to relax and imagine some music playing in your head... preferably exceeding 
the decibel limit of 120... that’s better... make it heavy metallic... good... here we go...)

And now...

(you still have that boogie)

No Need For A Reality Check
by Alexander, the Genius Who Cracked Fermat’s Last Theorem to the Tenth Exponent and 
Deciphered Multidimensional Space (not to mention fought off the Shivan armada, 
Boltroan armada, Plactocblocese armada, Gremlin armada), Commander-In-Chief of all 
Military on New Vegeta, and Head of State of The People’s Republic Of New Vegeta, and 
Savior of All Humanity. Aka, the Evergreen Cortex.

DISCLAIMER:
All the characters in this story, even the fake ones, are purely factual. Any resemblance 
between these characters and any real ones, living, dead, immortal, and otherwise is purely 
intentional. Hey, at least I’m not bullshitting you. Don’t sue me for use of your characters, 
because if you did, your company would gain reputation as a commitee of stingy bastards.

	It was a cold, dark day in the Ramapo mountains of Northern New Jersey. Even 
magical fanfic pixies were wearing their snow suits. One of them decided it would be 
interesting to resurrect Kagato. The other pixies were really mad. They said, “If you do 
that, we won’t be your friend anymore.” “Tough nuggets, I’m doing it anyway.” said the 
first pixie. The other pixies tried to stop him. “GET THE HELL OFF!” yelled the first 
pixie, and resurrected Kagato there on the spot. “EEEEEEEEEEEK!” shrieked Kagato, as 
he was just about to be killed by the Light Hawk Sword. “Don’t worry, mister Kagato, I 
brought you back to life.” “Why?” “For the sake of a plot.” “Thank you, now go away, 
you magical little... thing!” “No, I summoned you, and you will obey me!” Kagato looked 
around at all the pixies. These things... they care nothing for me. They only think of me 
as their experiment. Can this be my true destiny? Controlled by a wussy pixie fairy? 
No! This won’t be! This cannot be!  He pulled out a “Pixie Fairy Bomb” and pulled off 
the pin with his teeth. He hucked it at the congregation of pixies, who immediately 
attempted to flee, but in vain. The bomb exploded, blasting all the fanfic pixies to 
smithereens. The smoke covered the mountain for a minute, attracting passing 
rubberneckers. The smoke cleared, leaving a pile of ash covering the mountainside, and in 
the middle of it all, Kagato stood, laughing.

ACT I: KAGATO STRIKES BACK

	“And in other news, today a new active volcano, or so thought, has been 
discovered in New Jersey, of all locations. Well, now I’ve seen everything.” The news 
anchor laughed at his own pathetic joke, and all the other newscasters laughed along with 
him, to convince the viewers that his joke was funny, when in reality... 
	“That joke sucked! Change the channel!” Ryoko exclaimed, and the others nodded 
in affirmative. Yosho looked up at the title. 
	“Nice title, Alex.” 
	“Thanks,” I said, “but aren’t you forgetting something?” 
	“Oh, do I have to?” 
	“Yes, or I might just dump you from this fic. You are an optional character.” 
	“Oh, all right, Alexander, the Genius Who Cracked Fermat’s Last Theorem to the 
Tenth Exponent and Deciphered Multidimensional Space (not to mention fought off the 
Shivan armada, Boltroan armada, Plactocblocese armada, Gremlin armada), Commander-
In-Chief of all Military on New Vegeta, and Head of State of The People’s Republic Of 
New Vegeta, and Savior of All Humanity. Are you satisfied?” 
	“Yes, thank you very much.” 
	“Who are you talking to, Grandpa?” asked Tenchi. 
	“Oh, nobody, Tenchi.” 
	“Are you okay?” 
	“Yes, I’m fine.” The television was rapidly flipping channels all by itself, scanning 
for something to put on through the infinite universal static. An image of a guy in Swiss 
outfit with an accordion screaming “Ricola” came up briefly, then vanished into static once 
again. 
	“Miss Ryoko, do you have any idea how to ‘surf channels’?” “More than you, I 
should think!” 
	“You’ve had that remote all day and nothing good is on! Hand it over! It’s someone 
else’s try!” 
	“All day? Your concept of time is as distorted as your view of baseball rules!” 
	“YOU WERE OUT!” 
	“I WAS SAFE!” 
	“I remember it like it happened yesterday...” 
	“It DID happen yesterday, you moron! I was safe by a mile!” 
	“There I was, catching the ball, you of course were three meters away,” 
	“THAT’S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED! I had already reached the base, touched the 
corner when you caught the ball and tagged the base! If Noboyuki had SEEN the play like 
he was supposed to...” 
	“I’m sorry! I turned away at the last minute and missed the play!” 
	“Why did you turn away, anyway?” 
	“Uh,well, the sun was really bright and...” 
	“Yeah right! Why did you REALLY turn away?” 
	“Um, well, I have something to tell you all... Tenchi?”
	“Yes, dad?” 
	“I am your father.” 
	“Of course, I already knew that!” 
	“Well, anyway, I have fanfic pixies inside my head, and they have a telepathic link 
to each other, and I felt a great disturbance in the fanfic, as if thousands of pixie voices 
cried out at once, and then fell silent.” 
	“That’s bullshit, son, everyone knows fanfic pixies don’t exist!” 
	“Well NOW they don’t, thanks to whoever hucked the pixie fairy bomb! Wait! I’m 
recieving a message... It’s morse code! I-L-I-K-E-T-R-O-U-S-E-R-L-E-G-S-O-U-P-A-N-
D-A-L-S-O-G-R-E-E-N-B-A-L-L-O-O-N-S-” 
	“Give me that!” exclaimed Washu. “Hmm, it says, the person who hucked the 
bomb appears to be none other than... and it just cuts out there! Wait! I’m getting 
something! E-A-T-A-T-J-O-E-S. Oh, great.”
	“Perhaps the morse code of the pixie native dialect is choppy and out-of-date, but 
from what I can tell, perhaps the message “Eat At Joe’s”, seemingly a convenient 
advertisement for their sponsor, is really a cryptogram for an underlying simile or 
metaphor.” said Mihoshi.
	“What did you say?”
	“What?”
	“What you just said.”
	“I didn’t say anything!”
	“Yes you did, we all heard it!”
	“Stop it, my head hurts, you guys!”
	“Well, anyway, now we’ve got ourselves another mystery.” said Velma.
	“Who are you and what are you doing in our house?”
	“What? Where am I?” The narrator for Toonami spoke up.
	“A Shinto shrine in rural Japan. A boy trains diligently...”
	“SHUDDUP!” everyone exclaimed.
	Note to FanFic Reviewer: You still have that boogie in your nose.
	The remote suddenly in all this confusion got a button pressed. Coincidentally, this 
happened to be the VCR play button. An image of a white cabbit came up on the screen. 
	“Miya, miya, miya miya miya miya. Miya miya, miya miya. Miya miya miya miya 
miya. Miyaaaa. Miya miya miya, miya miya miyaaaaaaaaaaa. Miiiiiiyaaaaaa.” (Subtitle: 
Help me Obi-Ryo-Ohki. You’re my only hope. The thrift store down the street has a green 
trash can. There you will find the secret documents you need to complete your mission. 
Return with haste to me, and you will be rewarded.) The cabbit on the screen reached for 
something behind the camera, and a click sounded, and the image shorted out. 
	“How did THAT get in there...” All the eyes in the room looked at Ryo-Ohki, who 
was sneaking out through the door (literally). 
	“This sure has been a strange day.” said Tenchi, behind whom were the frantic 
messes of Noboyuki and Washu trying to translate the pixie message, Ayeka and Ryoko 
fighting (“OUT!” “SAFE!”), and Mihoshi and Yosho trying to get a better grip on reality.
	“I’ll say.” said Velma.
	“WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?”
	Velma suddenly disappeared into beam-like light and out stepped... a dead rat. 
	“Get it outta here!” The dead rat was kicked out the door.

TO BE CONTINUED IF YOU WANNA, BUT I DON’T THINK YOUR BRAIN CAN 
TAKE MUCH MORE.
You still have that boogie.