Not *My* Typo Theatre presents: "Tenchi's Ture Love" Being a satirical jest perform'd in the style of Ye Olde MST By Karlmarks -------------------- Notes -------------------- Just to be on the safe side, let's assume I don't own a single character in here except myself and Hugo the Justice Bear. Gabe is property of Mike Krahulik, the Dark Jezter and Kova characters are avatars of those people, and Ryoko and Motoko are property of big marketing firms. Ryan Stiles is property of Sony, Inc. Not the image, the man himself. Boxjam owns both www.boxjamsdoodle.com and himself. As for Bryan Weber, he's ownerless; who'd want that sick fuck, anyway? This is, of course, a MST of a lemon, but I don't see why young kids can't read the fic itself; it contains no "realistic depictions of sexuality" whatsoever. But as for the MST itself . . . I doubt Larry Flynt would think it appropriate. And, of course, when you want to be with me then we will see who's fucking with my head! If anyone catches *all* the references in this fic, you will get a free lifetime supply of I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus! No, really, I'm serious! I'll give you a hint: you just missed two of them, and the next one is from Fight Club. Some creative input came from Dark Jezter and Kova themselves, actually, and a great deal from Keener. Thanks, guys! Bryan, though? He can go fuck himself. By the way, all of the opinions and thoughts herein are fictional. Made up. Especially the stuff about me. Well, some of it. -------------------- End of Notes -------------------- Life on board the IBM Stellarsphere was far from pleasant. Its intrepid crew of young rapscallions was on board for the sole purpose of giving Tokimi a sexual-sadistic charge from inflicting mental and emotional pain upon the occupants of the cruiser. The extradimensional being had used her Awesome Holy Pah'rs to recruit a Band Apart from the various timestreams of earth, both physical and fictitious. Mostly fictitious. The Cap'n was of course Karlmarks, for the sole purpose of allowing the author the experience of writing SI. Unfortunately, he carried quite a bit of excess mental baggage with him, which was made manifest by the Dimension Converter Thingy. Hello. I'm Gabriel of Penny Arcade fame. I was plucked from a rather funny joke in the author's immediate visual field at the time of capture in order to exist so someone can torture me for fun! Party, party, party. R'arwooarn. Ovfvfvfoin? Uhzuzzuhvangh. Ok, let me here this one more time: just what in the hell am I doing here? Like I said: Tokimi pulled you out of my mind. And just what was I doing in your mind? Oh, God, you do NOT want to know! It's not what you're thinking! (The projector chatters as it spins up, and the characters sit back in awed silence as the first frames appear on the screen. Who knows; maybe this time it won't be so bad...) * Tenchi's Ture Love I hope I don't brain my damage! Oh, give it a chance, guys. After all, there's nothing quite like the joy that is ture love. Tour of love, maybe? Well, at least then we'd *know* it was porn. * By Krakhead42 * Legal Stuff * I do not own any characters of trademarks of Tenchi Muyo or any part of it. * So don't sue me anybody! Thank you. (Mimicking narrator) If you are pregnant, nursing, or have a heart condition, ask your doctor before reading this fic, because it will take a LOT of prescription drugs to recover. That, and crack. Lots and lots of crack. * Enjoy * Setting: The day after Sakuya sees Tenchi and Ryoko together int he park He parked? Where did he park? Integer "he," initialized at value "park?" Shut up! Shut up! I'm with Tenchi in the park, I think! Don't spoil it! * and * Ugi sheads a single tear because of this, if you have seen the episode you * will understand. Um . . . nope. Who's Ugi, by the way? * Tenchi stares at the ceiling quietly, (As the ceiling, in John Wayne voice) Whaddya *you* looking at? * he looks over at the pictures he and * Ryoko took and sighs thinking about the night he had spent with Ryoko Score! * and * how Sakuya had reacted to this. Tenchi mentally kicking himself for not * remembering about Sakuya, how much he would love to hold her, and just be * with her. Muhhoaarm! You can say that again! (Hugo eats Ryan for an encore) * Tenchi drifts off to sleep thinking of * her............................................... "Her" is ambiguous! He's dreaming of me! * RRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGG!!!!! * !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Spoken with incredible rapidity) Do you have the Daikatana? Where is the Daikatana! We must have the Daikatana! What's this "Daikatana"? It's too disgusting for even me to explain. (Ryoko's mouth opens with quiet awe) * Tenchi jumps at the should of the phone, he looks over at the clock and * wonders who in the fuck is calling him at 4:30 in the morning?!! (As Tenchi) And why the fuck am I fucking swearing?!! ?!!. ?!! very much, thank you. * He answers * grogily, "uuuuhhhh Hello?" "Tenchi this is Sakuya can you come to my house * right now?" (As Tenchi, in exaggerated deadpan) Might I ask why? (As Sakuya, in cute-little-girl voice) So we can have HOT STICKY SEX! You're joking. You've never seen a lemon, have you? * "Uh sure, I'll be there in about 15 minutes?" Don't forget, it's BYOB. Preferably in keg form. Party at Sakuya's! Anyone seen Eyes Wide Shut? God, you're disgusting. * Tenchi hangs up thinking what * the ................???!!? Yes, what the ................???!!? indeed. Not funny anymore. Was it funny? Not really. * I wonder what she wants? Tenchi gets dressed and * heads out to Sakuya's. Its winter, and cold as hell(I know its not really * winter with my stroy, thanks), And *I* wonder what the hell the author meant! "I know its not really winter with my stroy, thanks" Froaawwwmch. Hugo's more coherent! Perhaps on some distant planet, it only *appears* to be winter, and the author has set his exceptional work there as a change of pace. A "stroy" could be the local equivalent of a time zone. Or maybe, just maybe, Krakhead is fucking dumb. This is just a theory. * the whole way over to her house he is still thinking what she wants, when he * finally gets there. She is standing out on the balcony. (As Tenchi) Uh...line? (whispered irately) My lips two blushing pilgrims ready stand . . . To say nothing of *another* part of his anatomy. * "Tenchi, come up here pease." Tenchi abides and goes up, he gets a full * glimpse of her from behind in her robe, (In east-European accent) Now, while you were in dee coma, deed you feel your braaain getting dameeged? Too easy . . . Well, no one's ever accused me of missing a cheap shot! My bet: Sakuya was saying "Come up her peas," or, "Ejaculate into her vegetables." Some sort of oral sex euphemism? Or did she mean it literally? Is "her" Ryoko? God, what a three-way! Oh, this is nice. First I get dragged away from doing God knows what to you so I can star in your fucked-up excuse for a fic, and next you make me think about what just may be the *only* way I don't want to make love to Tenchi! Get it out of my mind! I could, uh, help take your mind off that image . . . (He slowly reaches his arm around the back of her shoulders.) And I could reach back and help take your arm out of its socket. Point taken. * and feels his member stiffin he tries to hide it hehind his coat. I know how he feels . . . (Glances around nervously) What? I do! Well, at least the notorious Boner Pain doesn't make an appearance. (Ryoko rolls her eyes in disgust.) * He goes up to Sakuya, "What did you want * with me?" (As Sakuya) Your collection of Battlestar Galactica tapes! (As Sakuya, straightforwardly) Your prerelease beta of Halo. The one you're concealing in the front of your pants. (As Sakuya, cheerfully) Your sex, of course! (As Sakuya, in a calm and loving voice) Your twisted and sad existence, my love. You won't even feel the hollowpoint enter your forehead. You won't have time. (Smiles sweetly) * I want to say that I am going to quit chasing you Tenchi and trying to get * you for myself, I see that you already have a love. Let's discuss, class. How would you diagram that sentence? Ok, let's see here; first the omniscient narrator of the story, Krakhead himself, decides to come out in the open about his sexual desire for Tenchi, and its inherent futility. Krakhead wants to fuck Tenchi? Well, he'll have to get in line! (Gabe looks incredulously at him) Wait a minute! What am I doing in this MST? You didn't ask my permission, Karl! And that was so OOC: I would never want to fuck Tenchi! He's not a goat, for one thing. Tsk-tsk. Spacewhore. * Tenchi feeling like * someone has just stabbed him through the heat. So Tenchi is feeling like someone stabbed his heat. I feel your pain, man. . . I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume Krakhead420 *isn't* talking about how saddened Tenchi is by the fact that the Second Law of Thermodynamics will "cause" the heat-death of the universe, and comparing that to the emotional turmoil he feels at this moment in an insightful and witty metaphor. * From somewhere he got this sudden courage, Yep. From somewhere. Considering the rest of the fic, providing character motivation may actually be Krakhead's strong point. Well, writing a foreplay scene that's more erotic than your average Pauly Shore movie sure as fuck isn't! * Tenchi grabs Sakuya be the * shoulders and goes into a deep long hard passionate kiss which seems like an * eternity to both of the, their tounges intertwine with each outer as they * explore each other's mouths. (Singing) There's a destination that's a little off the road from the habitations and the towns we know . . . (Shouted) Where it's at! I think you should cut these lines, Karl. Too in-jokey. Who's writing this thing, me or you? Bottles and cans and just clap your hands and just clap your hands! What about those who swing both ways? You know, AC-DCs? --- (Approvingly) Nice, big cock. (A forty-foot penis flashes onscreen for a sixtieth of a second. This would cause a vague unsettled feeling among the audience of your average screening due to the contrast with the film. In this case, it's a rather discreet and tasteful bit of foreshadowing, relatively speaking.) --- * They break from the kiss, Sakuya starts to speak, "OOOOhhhh Tenchi (as Tenchi) In record time there! Damn, I'm good. * I........" But is only silenced by Tenchi's finger pressed gently against * her lips. * "Sakuya, I love you, I have longed to tough you and hold you, since the * first day we met int he middle of the square, and until today I have loved * you, and have longed for you like something was missing, like, like." "Like * a part of your soul", Sakuya finished. Exactly! Tears fled from Sakuya's * eyes down here cheeks, "Tenchi, I have waited for you to say those words to * me since I met you. Well, at least the author didn't write Tenchi confessing that to me. That's the spirit! Sakuya's last line, by the way? Classic early-pube fantasy scene. Oh, how little I want to know what I was doing in your mind . . . It's not what you're thinking! Trust me! * The pair kisses Didn't that just happen? Ah, but the Lemon Writer is a being of mythic proportions, who can bend the fabric of spacetime through his very will! Or didn't you pick up on that already? * and Tenchi and Sakuya slowly lay down on the floor and * Tenchi slides his hand down and opens Sakuya's robe and cups her small, yet * well formed breasts, tugging and carressing the nipples he sticks one nipple * in his mouth and sucks gently, Sakuya moans in pleasure. Tenchi takes due * time to give each nipple proper attention. He then slowly slides his hand * and slides his hand underneath her little cotton panties, and feels the lips * of her pussy. Can *everyone* except me get free sex? (Faux-ominous voice) Free sex . . . but at what cost? "The price of free sex is eternal vigilance." Thomas Jefferson. Jefferson said *that*? Well, basically. I think I'm going to be sick. I'd like to point out that the author is a virgin. And it shows. * Tenchi can feel her reaction to the touch, Sakuya shivers in extasy. * "Tenchi, please, I want you in me now!" "Yes, my goddess." Tenchi inches her * little panties off with his teeth. Then moves to the bra and struggles just * a bit with the snap but it eventually gave way. (Old man's voice addressed to Krakhead)"Read a lot of porn, do ya, son?" Join the club. Where do I sign up? * Tenchi now over the completely naked Sakuya marveled at her beatiful body, a * cold breeze came from the winter night and Tenchi sees Sakuya's discomfort, * she shivers, "This is no place for our first", Tenchi says picking up Sakuya * and taking her to the bed in his arms Sakuya rests her head upon Tenchi's * strong chest. * Tenchi lays Sakuya down on the bed and goes under the warm blanket on her * bed, Sakuya gets on top of Tenchi, now its my turn to undress * you,(allthough he only has a pair of silk boxers on), Tenchi with an almost * painful hard on (as Tenchi) Ouch, sorta! This is almost painful! But not quite. And big, empty space means . . . ? Small dick. (Ryoko mumbles furiously) * can't wait until she gets it out. Sakuya takes off his * boxers and stops for a minute and gasps and Tenchi's * size!!!!!!!!!!! "Tenchi, your so, so, big!" Get the feeling the author's trying to compensate for something? (as Karl) . . . besides the fact that he's had less sex than Mother Teresa. I'm fairly sure I don't want to know . . . * Tenchi blushes. Sakuya takes * Tenchi's hard cock and rubs the head around her lips, teasing him. "Oh * you naughty little girl." She then puts his cock in her pussy and pushes * down. Sakuya cries in pain, tears come from her eyes. Tenchi wipes away the * tears. "There will be nothing but pleasure now, I promise." Now I *know* I'm going to be sick. Hasn't someone made that joke in just about every lemon MST, ever? (Ryoko turns to face Jezter the second before she vomits.) (Gazing at the soaked Jezter with pride) Well, this time I meant it. Classy. The fic, the puke . . . at least it can't get any worse. Err, what's that white goo mixed in with the vomit? (To Ryoko, apologetically) Okay, okay, maybe it *was* what you were thinking . . . (Turning to Karl with a sickly-sweet smile) If I'm just a figment of your imagination, does that mean my life is dependent on yours? Well, no, the Dimensional Tuner Thingy constructed you from my fantasy, so you're independent and-- No! Wait! Don't kill him! Who'll write the rest of the fic? But isn't this pervert just a character the real Karl made up? It's borderline there; maybe he's an avatar, and wouldn't that make them the same person? Kchhhhhhhkt! Cn't brrreeth! Ssssss! Oh, hell, I guess I can't risk it. (She removes her hands from Karl's throat) (Breathes deeply) Do that to me again and you're written out of the fic! But didn't *you* *write* her trying to kill you? Don't make me break out the Shut-The-Fuck-Up Bat(tm)! * Sakuya starts moving up and down on Tenchi's rod and all the pain turns to * pleasure and she starts moving faster and faster, Tenchi grips Sakuya's hips * and grinds his cock in her. (Gabe, Karl, and Jezter wince) * * Tenchi thinks to himself how tight she is, * Sakuya groans in please. Tenchi pumps harder and neither of them can take it * anymore and they both cum at the same time. OOOOOOOOHHHH * TENCHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!! SAKUYAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'd puke again if I wasn't afraid to find out more about our SI friend here. Your basic straight-sex fantasy at this point. Notice the female- superior position -- most likely because Krakhead was lying on his back while he was-- (Ryoko decapitates Karl) Hmm. We're still here. I guess he was just another character, after all. What did I tell you about that existentialist stuff before? (Reaches into his duffle bag) * They both lay there * motionless only the rising and falling of their chests, Sakuya rests her * head on Tenchi's chest and they hold each other. "I love you, "Sakuya, and I * love you too, Tenchi my love. So *that's* what love is! No wonder I was having so much trouble writing it! All I needed was some good ol' fashioned bad Hustler outtakes! Well, if you *look* at that last sequence, Sakuya appears to ask, "In, please," AFTER penetration, if I understand correctly. Hell of a blow to a man's ego there. (Realizes slowly what he just said) Oh, God, I sound like I've been possessed by Karl's ghost. Say, why *does* Tenchi say that he loves both Sakuya *and* himself? And why is she so quiet? And he appears to cry out his own name in rapture. Providing both sides of the encounter himself? I'm not even going to say it. Oh, God, just make it stop. Don't you say that in-- (He thinks this comment through better and stops quickly) * They stare out the window watching the snow fall and drift off to * sleep.......................................... At least those sleeping snowflakes are spared the ordeal of reading the end of the fic! I dunno, I kind of liked it. You're crazy, aren't you? Get out of my teeth! (Shivers) * Hey, this is Krackhead420 hope you enjoyed my little lemon and give me some * feedback, ideas, improvements. Peaceout for now and look for me Sequal * "Wrath of Ryoko" -------------------- Final Notes -------------------- I've often mentioned that I've yet to read an entertaining MST. I hope this is a first--you decide! Write to me, markskarl@hotmail.com as always. Say *anything*. Oh yeah: about all that stuff I said about Bryan . . . I meant it. He is the worst human being I have ever met. That fucking freak deserves a starring role in the next Krackhead420 masterpiece. That and ebola.