MYSTERY TENCHI THEATER 9000 In the not to distant future Next Friday AD There was a kid named Tenchi Not to different from you or me He lived with six aliens One of which was a scientist He was the kind of kid they all did love But he really didn’t like it so hid in Washu’s lab “We’ll send him cheesy fanfics” “The worst, we can find” “He’ll have to sit and read them all and we’ll monitor that door” Now keep in my Tenchi can’t control When the fanfics start or end He’ll have to sit and read them all With the help of his captive friends Lab Rat roll Call Usako! Tenchi! Ran! Stoooooooorm! If your wondering how he eats and breaths And other science facts Just repeat to yourself it’s just a rip off I should really just relax For Mystery Tenchi Theater 9000 **camera comes through the doors, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6** Tenchi: Hey everyone, welcome to Washu’s lab, my names Tenchi, and just a recap, last week we had our first bad fanfic, and, as you can tell, we made it through. Ran: By the seat of our pants and the skin of our teeth Storm: And I thought it was fun, and I can’t wait for another Usako: You would you twit… Tenchi: Anyways, We’ve got commercial sign **really cheesy commercials** Ran: **staring at the screen** What the hell was that? Storm: Those were the commercials? Ten: Anyways, Queen Amidala and the Jedi knights are callin **living room** Washu: Ah Tenchi, still holding yourself up in my lab I see, well, fine then, I see how it is… Ryoko: Tenchi, why don’t you come out, we all miss you! **lab** Tenchi: No! Ran: **shakes his head** Storm: Tenchi…you’re just a glutton for punishment **living room** Washu: All right then, your fanfic to today is…MIHOSHI! DON’T TOUCH THAT!! **she runs off to stop Mihoshi** Ayeka: Lord Tenchi, your fanfic for today is a Gundam Wing/Tenchi Muyo cross over titled “Your Not Alone” please don’t enjoy it and come out of the Lab **lab** **lights start going off and the camera shakes** Tenchi: Oh, we got fanfic sign!!! **they all scramble as the camera goes through the doors** **6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1** **they walk into the theater Tenchi carrying Storm and Ran right behind him, Tenchi and Ran take their seats and Tenchi sets storm down in the seat next to him** You're Not Alone Ran: although you have the house to yourself By Literary Eagle (literaryeagle@hotmail.com) Ten: Read kids read! **starts making eagle sounds** Mihoshi was dying. Storm: And Kiyone was throwing a party because of it I felt so isolated and powerless, seated at my comatose partner's bedside. Ran: All right, who’s talking! Storm: Who do you think numb nuts?! Gently stroking her hand, which in the past few minutes had become quite cold, I said in a choked whisper, "Mihoshi? It's me, Kiyone. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Ran: (Kiyone) sorry that you won’t be a pain in my ass any more! Hahaha! Ten: RAN!! There was no response. I wasn't expecting one. Ten: (Kiyone) What was I thinking? With her golden hair spread out on the pristine pillow like a halo caressed by white clouds, Storm: (Kiyone) I wished she would hurry up and die Mihoshi looked as if she had already died and become an angel. A very pessimistic description, perhaps, but I wasn't going to fool myself into thinking that everything was going to be alright. Ran: (Kiyone) I didn’t want to jinx my luck Things would never be okay again, and for that I had no one to blame but myself. Ten: (Kiyone) Smart Kiyone, real smart! The death of a partner is something that happens to many Galaxy Police officers, but even still, I never could have imagined the life that was in store for me when I became a GP officer. Storm: (Kiyone) because I didn’t read the handbook At the beginning, I had been Ran: The office whore their rising star, and I had thought that there was a bright future of promotions and accolades ahead of me... But then Mihoshi became my partner, and that dream fell apart. Storm: (Kiyone) And I cried, softly, to myself As countless promotions slipped through my grasp, I cursed the day I had met her, I called her an idiot and other demeaning names, Ten: (Kiyone) I also called her my love toy, but that is another story and I yelled at her whenever something went wrong, even if sometimes it actually wasn't her fault. Ran: (Kiyone) But most of the time it was Then, one day, she disappeared. She had been pursuing the space pirate Ryoko, and then we had lost contact with her. Eventually, she was officially presumed dead, and I am ashamed to say that at the time, I had considered it the happiest day of my life. Storm: (Kiyone) I danced, I partied, I got drunk, oh it was a good day And when it was discovered that she was still alive, I had thought it was the worst day in all of existence. Ten: (Kiyone) I mean, why couldn’t she have stayed dead? But still I was not aware of what fate had in mind for us. Ran: ummm, nothing? At any rate, we were reunited on Earth and became partners again. What followed were several years of wild unpredictability: going through countless jobs on Earth, Ten: All of them dead end madcap adventures with Tenchi and the rest of his household, Storm: Which now wait for us to come out of the lab thwarting the plans of Kagato and KAIN. And through it all, Mihoshi would happily say, "You're my best friend, Kiyone! You'll always be my best friend." Ran: (Mihoshi) Until I find someone else But I never said the same to her. After all, she had ruined my career and my life, right? I hated her, didn't I? She wasn't my friend. Or was she? Storm: Survey says!? I was so career-driven that I had never made any friends in the Galaxy Police. Nobody knew me very well ... they all seemed to think that I was cold, unapproachable. Ran: (Kiyone) until they waved a few dollar bills in my face All of them except Mihoshi. Whenever I was feeling lonely, she took me to the karaoke bar or the bathhouses. **Tenchi starts singing “Respect” horribly** Of course I always protested because we didn't have the money for such luxuries, but in the end, I always relented. She knew how much I needed it, and deep down I knew how right she was. So when I was lonely, we sang. When I cried, she would hold me. When I wanted to talk, she was always there. Without a doubt, she knew me better than anyone. Ran: (Kiyone) But enough of that And I knew her better than anyone, because even though I frequently denied it, I knew she wasn't really just some bimbo like most assumed. Storm: (Kiyone) She was a slut She valued all living things and consequently loved people too much... Seeing the horrible crimes people committed against each other was slowly killing her mind, bit by bit. Ten: (Kiyone) making sure not to take to much at a time Her large innocent blue eyes were deceptive, Ran: (Kiyone) She would pop a cap off in your ass in a second because she wasn't really that untainted, not anymore. Storm: Guys, what does untainted mean? Ran: Got me She had seen too much pain and suffering, but still she continued doing what she did, Ten: (Kiyone) Working the street corner because she wanted to protect others from that anguish. I, on the other hand, had let the career become everything. I had cared about promotions more than I had worried about the people I was supposed to protect. Ran: (Kiyone) I was a sick person Every action Mihoshi took was done with heart, and slowly but surely I think my heart remembered how to live that way too. And I looked out for her, because despite all she had been through, sometimes she was still too naďve and innocent for her own good. So yes, we were best friends. Storm: (Kiyone) Only for show though, now that I think about it, deep down I really did hate her But I never told her. And now, it was too late. It seems unthinkable that, after facing the likes of Kagato and KAIN, the one to bring Mihoshi down would be a drunken pilot that we had arrested while on patrol. Ran: (Drunk) I washen zat drunnk Ryoko had sadly remarked that perhaps Mihoshi's legendary luck had finally run out, but I knew that it was really my fault. Storm: (Kiyone) oh well, shit happens The lack of action in our sector in recent times had made me complacent, and I hadn't checked the pilot for hidden weapons as carefully as I should have. Mihoshi had leapt in the way when the man tried to take a shot at me. Ten: All right, we now have a plot point! S and R: **cheers** So now, here she was, dying in a cold hospital bed, a testament to my foolishness and selfishness. Ten: (Kiyone) and Stupidity, ignorance, laziness, being in a rush… "Mihoshi ... I was so stupid! And I'm so sorry that I never told you!" I cried, wringing her limp hand, "You are my best friend! I never said it before, but you are! You were always my best friend..." All: Awwww But my best friend had already stopped breathing. Ran: (Kiyone) because she forgot how "No! You can't... Not yet... You never heard me tell you... You have to let me tell you!" I shouted, not caring how pathetic I sounded to Tenchi and the others waiting out in the hall. Tenchi: ya know, she sounds pretty pathetic in there They had wanted to let us have a moment of privacy, but at the moment I didn't care if the whole bloody universe heard me. Storm: (Kiyone using a British accent) Thank you universe, thank you so bloody much! "You're my best friend, Mihoshi! Damn it, you have to hear me! MIHOSHI!" I stood and beat my fists into the side of her bed, crying and screaming like a madwoman, until Ran: (Kiyone) They got the straight jacket on me at last I sank back into my chair, whimpering at the hopelessness and grim finality of it all. Moments later, I burst into fresh tears upon realizing that I had just yelled at her yet again, and mere moments after her death at that. I was a horrible, horrible friend. "I'm so sorry, Mihoshi..." Ten: (Kiyone) Then it hit me, I could get everything back I had lost when she became my partner ****************************************************************** "I'm so sorry, Quatre..." And here we were again. Ran: **singing** on our own again, free again! The situation was so familiar it was like some sort of sick joke. Storm: All right, so these three lesbians go into a bar… T and R: STORM!! Quatre even had blond hair and large blue eyes, like Mihoshi. It was probably just a coincidence ... certainly I, Trowa, didn't look much like Kiyone at all. Ten: All right, this guy is a Gundam character, how does he know what Kiyone and Mihoshi look like? Storm: PLOT HOLE PLOT HOLE! But even if it was only a coincidence, it was a cruel one. At first, I hadn't been aware of my past life as Kiyone, and I hadn't remembered Mihoshi. Ran: That’s a pretty pathetic way of filling in a plot hole… I had merely been a friendless, nameless mercenary who eventually became Trowa Barton, Gundam pilot. Storm: And cue the heroic music Ran: bum bum buuuuuum Then, I met Quatre. Ran: Bra Ten: Huh? Ran: Quatre Bra, it was a battle of Napoleon in 1815 Ten: Oh… At the time, I could scarcely believe that this fragile-looking, innocent little boy was a Gundam pilot. Storm: (Trowa) Maybe a ice cream truck driver… I think I had even looked at him with some disdain. But then I heard him play the violin, and it was as if something had been awakened in me. Ran: (Trowa) And it was about time too… Before I even had time to question what I was doing, I found that I had picked up a flute, and the next moment we were playing a beautiful duet. Ten: Boys will be boys! That had been my first clue. It had revived a vague memory of Mihoshi asking me to sing with her at the karaoke bar. I never could refuse her when it came to music. Storm: Again with the reincarnation thing? But that was it, until we met a second time, in San Francisco. Quatre had approached me with that kind smile of his, and said, "Hi! So we meet again!" Ran: (Quatre) Wanna go get a drink or something? Disregarding the strange tugging at my heart that those words ignited, I had scowled at him and told him that I didn't want his help. Ten: Ya know, this guy just seems to be an ass hole I felt that I could not afford to let anyone distract me from my mission, not even a fellow Gundam pilot. Storm: (Trowa) Man, what a dink But he followed me anyway. Ran: (Trowa) Ma! Ma! He followed me home! Can I keep him!? Despite my best efforts to make it clear that I was ignoring him, he stayed by my side that day. Ten: (Trowa) No matter how many times I kicked his ass and told him to go away His words "So we meet again" continued to echo through my mind, until they became the key that unlocked all my memories of my life as Kiyone. I began to remember everything, and my soul sang with recognition every time I glanced at Quatre. Ran: Why do I have a funny feeling that this is going to turn into a Yaio story? It was incredible. Mihoshi and I had been reincarnated, reunited. Ten: This reincarnation thing is really starting to get on my nerves… But I hadn't the foggiest idea what to do about it. However, it soon occurred to me that Quatre was not saying anything about our past lives, so I thought that perhaps he didn't know. I decided not to bring it up. Storm: (Trowa) He looked at me as if I was some kind of a nut and walked off, I never saw him again I tolerated his presence, but other than that I did nothing to encourage a new friendship to grow between us. I told myself that it would be bad for the mission. Ran: What mission!? However, some time later, Heero told me that the best way for me to live my life was to follow my emotions, and I realized that he was right. Ten: (Trowa) So I came out of the closet By failing to acknowledge Quatre, I was in danger of being Kiyone Storm: (Kiyone) Oh like it’s a bad thing to be me all over again, listen here Mr. Trowa, I’m not a bad person all right!? all over again, repeating her mistakes. And so, I gave in to the desire to be Quatre's best friend, found myself longing to see him again. I decided to follow my feelings, and they were telling me not to push him away any longer. Ran: So, like, is this story going anywhere? During Quatre's rampage in the Wing Zero, I thought that I had finally found the reason behind our rebirth. Ten: (Trowa) To bake cookies! Witnessing the cruelties of the universe had caused Mihoshi's mental state to regress, but more often than not, I had chosen to yell at her rather than show any sympathy. Storm: (Trowa) I was a sick man! So when gentle Quatre had been driven mad by the Zero system and grief for his father, I knew that I had to do whatever I could to heal him, even if it meant my death. It was the least I could do, to repay my debt to Mihoshi. She had died for me, so it was my turn. Ran: (Trowa) to beat him at checkers As it turned out, I did save Quatre, but I did not die that day. Instead, we wound up saving each other several more times before the war ended, our bond growing stronger with each battle. Storm: (Trowa) And trips to the bars, beer runs, and that time we shared an apartment Alas, I should have known it would not last. Because here we were, in a hospital again. Ten: Again, if I remember right, I don’t think Kiyone and Mihoshi were in a hospital The war was over, but my best friend was dying, because I had been too late to save him from getting stabbed while aboard the Libra. Seated at his bedside, I could only watch helplessly as his complexion, which was already pale on his best days, became whiter, and his breathing became weaker. Ran: (Trowa) I was also to stupid to get a nurse Tears formed in my eyes, Ten: Aww, gonna cry, baby gonna cry? as guilt burned in my heart. I wondered if we were doomed to go through this woeful routine many times over, our souls endlessly waltzing through lifetime after lifetime, always doomed to have a similar tragic finale. Storm: hey, its not that bad of an ending! "I'm sorry, Quatre," I said, my voice breaking. While I had avoided many of Kiyone's past mistakes, there was one that I had forgotten. Ran: (Trowa) The most important one, gah I’m an idiot Despite the fact that Quatre and I were quite clearly best friends, I had never said it in words. Ten: (Trowa) Ah well… One of Quatre's fingers twitched, and I wondered if he was trying to say goodbye. Taking his hand into mine, I squeezed it urgently and whispered, "You'll always be my best friend, Quatre! Always my best friend..." "Ow," a strained voice murmured, "Yes, Trowa, we're best friends. Please don't squeeze so hard." Storm: (Quatre) Ya big jerk! "Quatre?!" I exclaimed. Sure enough, his eyes were open, and he was gazing at me with a weak smile. A moment later, his eyes closed again, but a bit of color had returned to his cheeks, and I knew that he was just sleeping. He wasn't going to die after all. And he had heard me say that we were best friends. Ran: (Trowa) I felt like a complete idiot Quatre did indeed make a full recovery. And when the Mariemaia incident occurred a year later, I was afraid for him, but he survived that too. Storm: Lucky bastard When that ended and all mobile suits, including the Gundams, were destroyed, I was elated. We had peace, and my best friend had not died. Mihoshi and I had been given a second chance, and with all my soul I thanked whatever power had made this happen. Ten: **in a god like voice** No thanks needed, just something I do In the months that followed, I went back to my job in the circus, Ran: He was a clown? And Quatre returned to his duties as head of the company he had inherited from his father. But Ten: (Trowa) Was he really happy? we kept in touch regularly, and visited each other when we could. We never talked about work, though. Perhaps that was something that would have interested Kiyone, but not Trowa Barton. Storm: (Trowa) Nope, not me, I don’t like to talk shop, in fact, I hate my job No, I just wanted to enjoy this beautiful new peacetime, living with Catherine Ran: (Trowa) My love slave and the rest of my surrogate family at the circus ... and treasuring my camaraderie with Quatre. Whenever Quatre said that we were best friends, I was more than happy to voice my agreement. Ten: (Trowa) yeah, sure, fine, whatever… We decided to go on a vacation together, and Quatre suggested that we go to Japan. Storm: Aren’t they already in Japan? Ten: No, the last location said that they were in San Francisco, I think "There's a shrine there that I've always wanted to visit," Quatre explained, his features aglow with excitement, "According to legend, the Masaki shrine is meant to watch over a cave inhabited by a goblin!" Ran: Hey, that’s my sister your talking about! I was barely able to conceal my astonishment from him. I hadn't realized that the Masaki shrine still existed in this era. Ten: Yep, we built that thing to last "Sounds interesting," I said, but did not elaborate. In all this time, I had never mentioned Kiyone and Mihoshi to him. Storm: (Trowa) Although I had always wanted to I was ashamed of being Kiyone, and I wanted to leave that past far behind. Ran: (Trowa) Even if it was a past life But I couldn't say no to visiting the Masaki shrine. I just couldn't refuse Quatre. Storm: (Trowa) I loved him! Loved do you hear me loved! Upon our arrival at the mountains where the shrine was located, I admitted to myself that I had missed the beauty of this place. Ten: I don’t know why he would miss this place; there is nothing to do here Ran: You can say that again… A cool breeze made its way through the treetops, causing the bright green leaves to wave as if they were welcoming us back. Storm: (leaves) Hey, welcome back! A dragonfly perched itself atop Quatre's head, and we both chuckled. As we walked, I began to wonder if anyone still lived here, if perhaps there were descendants of the Masaki line still alive today. Ran: Yeah, when you kill over Tenchi, this place is mine! Ten: I’m taking you with me Ran Ran: I would like to see you try I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even realize that Quatre had led me to the Masaki family's graveyard. Storm: (Trowa) Can we get out of here, graveyards creep me out, especially when I’m looking at the grave of the person who I was in my past life "Quatre?" I said, watching him kneel before one of the tombstones. I moved to stand behind him, and my eyes watered slightly when I saw whose grave it was. Ten: Dramatic pause Mihoshi's. Brushing his fingertips along the top of the tombstone, Quatre was silent for several minutes. When he turned to look at me, I could see tears in his eyes, but there was also a gentle smile on his face. Ran: (Quatre) Recognize me now Trowa? Standing, he leaned towards me and whispered into my ear, "You can't just deny who you really are. Otherwise you wouldn't be ... you. Ten: (Trowa) Could you be a little more vague please? This is goodbye, dear friend." "Goodbye?" I said incredulously, hoping that I had heard wrong, "Quatre, are you saying that you're leaving? Why?" Storm: Guess he didn’t hear wrong "Because I'm dead, Kiyone," Quatre said quietly, "You know that." "No!" I exclaimed, grabbing Quatre's hands, "Mihoshi, we've been given a second chance! We're back together, and we have peace..." Ran: (Trowa) We have hotdogs! "Kiyone, don't you see?" Quatre asked sadly, "We haven't been reborn. The colonies, the Gundams, the Eve Wars ... none of it is real. You're dreaming, Kiyone, and it's time to wake up." Storm: (Trowa) All right, fine, well have it YOUR way "That's nonsense," I said automatically. But the uncertainty in my voice was painfully obvious. Ten: (Trowa) I was a horrible liar "Think," said Quatre, "If Trowa is the reincarnation of Kiyone, then how did Kiyone die? Can you remember?" Ran: (Quatre) Huh, ya big dummy, can you remember? "I did die! It was shortly after you ... after Mihoshi passed away," I said firmly, "I committed suicide." Storm: (Author) I’ve got it! I’ll bring the story around in a huge circle! The readers will love it! "No, you TRIED to commit suicide," Quatre said, shaking his head, "Washu managed to save you, but you were in a coma. And you've been in a coma ever since. This existence, the era of the After Colony, is a dream world your subconscious has created out of guilt. Ten: Ohhh, guilt, yes! You wanted a second chance, so you created a whole new life for you and I ... a life where you didn't make the mistake of ignoring your true feelings for too long, Ran: YAWN! a life where I didn't die. But it's not real, Kiyone. You have to let go. It's time to return to the real world." "No," I said, squeezing Quatre's hands harder, "Not to a life without you, a life where I had treated you so badly! You're my best friend, Mihoshi... Quatre..." "Kiyone, you're hurting me," Quatre said softly, wincing as my grip on his hands tightened, "And you're hurting yourself. You like being Trowa because he is a dedicated fighter reminiscent of Kiyone, but without her mistakes. Storm: (Quatre) And you have a penis! T and R: STORM!! But you have to understand that without those mistakes, he's not really you. Don't pretend your past didn't happen, go back to the real world and live by following what you have learned from it. Kiyone, you're a strong person and you have a good heart. You don't need to be Trowa." Ran: (Trowa) But its fun! "But ... I can't leave you!" I shouted. Didn't he understand? "I can't lose you again..." Ten: Who will be my spades partner! "We're friends, Kiyone, but you have other friends too," Storm: Not after this she won’t said Quatre, freeing his hands so he could wipe away the tears that I hadn't even realized were sliding down my face, Ran: (Trowa) What really freaked me out is when he started to lick them off my face "And Mihoshi will always live on inside you, because your heart carries the lessons you learned from her. So let me ... let Mihoshi live on through you, Kiyone, and you will never be alone. Be there to sing karaoke with Ryoko, when she's feeling lonely. **Ran and Storm start singing Respect together, poorly** Be there to hold Ayeka when she cries. Be there to listen, when Tenchi needs someone to talk to. Be there for all of our friends, Kiyone, and you'll see. You're not alone." Storm: A little pathetic maybe… I realized that I could argue no further, even though part of me still wanted to. Quatre was right. Deep down, I knew that. Ten: (Trowa) Deep down, I also knew I wanted a pizza "I'll go back, Mihoshi," I said, quivering with the effort not to break down into sobs as I grabbed Quatre in a tight hug, Ran: (Quatre) Trowa! Trowa! I need air! I can’t breath! "I'll go back. I'll be there for all our friends. But ... but you'll always be my BEST friend, Mihoshi. Always my best friend!" Storm: (Quatre) Yeah, sure, fine, whatever, hurry up and wake up all ready! "Farewell, dear Trowa ... and more importantly, dearest Kiyone," Quatre said in the most compassionate of whispers, as I closed my eyes and buried my face into his shoulder, "My best friend." Ran: (Author) I’ll let the readers decide who’s line that should be I felt him slip out of my arms and step away from me, and I opened my eyes in time to see not Quatre, but Mihoshi standing there. She smiled at me, and with trembling fingers I reached out to touch her... Storm: C’mon, touch her, ya know ya wanna! But there was a sudden gust of wind, and she vanished in a flurry of cherry blossoms. Ten: (Trowa) Which I then gathered up and smoked Then everything, the entire world of the After Colony, Ran: And the Before Colony began to crumble away, breaking up into millions of the small flowers. Storm: Roses, Cherry Blossoms, Tulips, Daisies, Carnations, Chrysanthemums… Ran: Chrysanthemums, C, H, R, Y, S, A, N, T, H, E, M, U, M, S, Chrysanthemums Ten: Very good I let out a startled cry as a whirlwind of petals surrounded me and began to close in, Ten: (Trowa) Taking away my air then relaxed as I felt them carrying me towards a warm light... And so, I awoke. I was Kiyone, the real and true Kiyone. And I wasn't alone. Ran: **as they walk out** (Kiyone) Just a sad pathetic coot **Camera comes through the doors** 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 Tenchi: That was the worst fanfic ever! Ran: You twit! We’ve only had two! Tenchi: Oh yeah… Storm: **zips in from the side, wearing an Elvis costume** Behold! I am the reincarnation of Elvis! I’m the king! Bow before me! Ran: I don’t think so Usako: Get ‘em! **everyone piles on top of storm and precedes to beat the crap out of him** **living room** Washu: Well, I finally got Mihoshi under control…took some work though Ryoko: That’s good, Tenchi and the rest still aren’t coming out any time soon though Ayeka: Oh dear, Lord Tenchi has yet to come out? Kiyone: Looks that way Sasami: LUNCH!! **everyone rushes off to the kitchen** Washu: Push the button Kiyone Kiyone: All right **walks over to a keyboard and punches a button, the screen goes blank**