"What the Hell Is This" by Ray Moore MSTed by Eien (sasami@starmail.com) Notes before we begin: This fanfic is the property of Ray Moore, and, frankly, he can have it. The characters mentioned are property of Pioneer/AIC, who have brought us good anime to date. My characters inserted for this are my own, and I would rather they weren't used without my permission. As a note to Ray Moore, this is not intended as an attack on your writings. It's just an attempt to add a sense of humor, although, admittedly, it may not be the best. Oh, and as an afterthought, I will warn you that this does contain mature material, although, and I advise people under the age of majority or with weak stomachs to read something else. Our cast: Kiyone Azuma. Japanese-American, about 22 years old, black hair to her waist, jade green eyes. Has an extreme sense of romanticism and little luck with having relationships. Verthandi Morris. American, 19 years. Dark blonde hair, hazel eyes, a lot more realistic than Kiyone. Jonathan Abernathy. American, 19 years. Brown hair, brown eyes, Verthandi's boyfriend and, unfortunately, maybe a little to loose with his tongue. Place: Theater #4, Cinema of Unknown Art. Verthandi: Remind me why we're here again, Kiyone. Kiyone: We volunteered to be critics. Verthandi: Why'd we do that? Jonathan: Because we felt like it. [Verthandi glares at Jonathan and he is glad that Verthandi isn't Akane.] Kiyone: What do you think it's going to be this time? Verthandi: [pulls out a ticket stub] Says "What the Hell Is This". Jonathan: It's something at the Cinema of Unknown Art. [He deftly dodges Verthandi's incoming slap.] Kiyone: [shakes her head at the couple] Do you two ever stop? Verthandi: Sometimes. Kiyone: So, what is it going to be? Verthandi: I don't know. [Examines her ticket stub closer] In the corner, there are the letters 'TMFF'. Jonathan: [grinning] "Too Much Free Food". Kiyone: Jonathan, that was awful. Jonathan: Thank you. Verthandi: I wonder what 'TMFF' stands for anyway. Kiyone: Too bad we're the first ones ever to do this. Verthandi: [shrugs] I guess we'll find out. [The lights suddenly dim.] Kiyone: We're going to find out now. > Tenchi came down stairs after a long nights sleep when > he is faced with a difficult choice. Kiyone: 'TMFF' means "Tenchi Muyo! Fanfic" Verthandi: What happened to the opening credits? Kiyone: I don't think we get any. Jonathan: Fits in with the title. Without any credits, we don't know what the hell this is. Verthandi: I wonder which choice Tenchi is faced with this time. Jonathan: 'Which one do I sleep with first?' [The back of Verthandi's hand connects fully with Jonathan's cheek.] Kiyone: [looks sternly at Jonathan] If you say it's Sasami, I'm going to kill you myself. Jonathan: Sorry, you'll have to take a number. > How to kill and kill and kill. Kiyone: [blinks] What happened? Verthandi: I think Tenchi just became the next Charles Manson. Jonathan: He'd make a good one. Verthandi: I think you just became a punching bag. [Jonathan gulps.] >You see during the night Tenchi contracted a mild case of rabies from >Ryo-oki and it has driven him insane. Kiyone: When did Ryo-Ohki become rabid? Verthandi: When did either 'o' become short? Jonathan: When did this make any sense? Kiyone: [pauses] True. Jonathan: And Tenchi has got to be insane already. Verthandi: [glares a little at Jonathan] Because he hasn't slept with any of the girls yet? Jonathan: Exactly. > All he can think about is ripping the flesh from everyones bones. Jonathan: Why do I feel like singing "Nature Trail to Hell"? Verthandi: Because it doesn't fit. Kiyone: I don't think rabies does that to someone. Verthandi: Don't look at me. I'm not a medic. [Jonathan pulls out a cell phone.] Verthandi: What are you doing? Jonathan: The thought of ripping meat from bones makes me hungry. It's a good thing I can get buffalo wings delivered around here. > As he gets his first idea a smile creeps across his face and he starts > to giggle. Verthandi: [like a little girl] Make him stop, daddy, he's scaring me. Kiyone: [laughs, and then puts on a straight face.] Tenchi Masaki, I represent Katsuhiko Jinnai. You are being sued for copyright infringement of the unholy insane laugh. [Everyone laughs.] > What fun is about to happen. Kiyone: Killing people is fun? Jonathan: Yeah, it is. You should try it sometime. [He then thanks the stars that Verthandi is sitting between Kiyone and himself, given the look on her face.] > "Kyone,when are you going to tell everyone about our love?" Kiyone: It's spelled with an 'i'. Jonathan: [puts on a Kiyone impersonation] "Well, Mihoshi, it's just not right for two Galaxy Police detectives to be lovers." Kiyone: [yelling] That's it! [Kiyone gets up and sits next to Jonathan, glaring at him. Jonathan gulps.] > "Tell people? Are you mad Washu? If word got out that I, A police officer > were involved with the most insane scintest in the universe scandal would > rock the entire empire." Jonathan: Kiyone and Washu. Never would've guessed. Kiyone: [shoot Jonathan a nasty glare] Shush. Jonathan: Ummm... sure. Verthandi: [not paying attention to the other two] It would be quite a scandal. Or a way for the GP to get their hands on Washu's abilities. > Washu leaned over and placed her hand on Kyone's leg and whispered > "Honey come back to bed and i'll show you what to do with your badge." Kiyone: It's spelled with an 'i'. [pulls out a spellchecker] Jonathan: [gets ready to run] Say, Kiyone, do you know much about that? Kiyone: [Her cheeks turn a nice shade of red.] [angrily] No, I don't. Jonathan: Well, I've never known you with a boyfriend, so... [Jonathan starts running about the theater, with Kiyone chasing him.] Verthandi: That's enough, you two. [They sit down in their original seats.] > Kyone sighed and climbed under the covers and went to work. Kiyone: For the last time, it's spelled with an 'i'. Jonathan: Work at what? Verthandi: Even I don't want to know. > Tenchi had watched this exchange from the doorway and had a flash of insight. Verthandi: Voyeur! He's becoming just as bad as his father. Kiyone: Except Nobiyuki isn't a homicidal maniac. Jonathan: Yet. > "I knew that those plastic exploseves I got from Minne May would come in > handy." Tenchi giggled. Kiyone: [throws up her arms] I give up. The spelling is too awful to deal with. Jonathan: Even I don't want to know what he's going to do with that. Verthandi: Good boy. > "I'll be right back," said Washu as she went into the bathroom. She > looked over and grabbed the soap. Or so she thought. Kiyone: What's the soap for? Jonathan: You don't want to know. Kiyone: Just tell me. Verthandi: Kinky lesbian sex would be my guess. Kiyone: Sorry I asked. > When she climbed back into bed she said "Honey I got the soap for a even > better time." Verthandi: I guess I was right. Kiyone: I don't want to think about it. [closes her eyes] Jonathan: I'm just curious, but are they clothed? Verthandi: I don't know. Depends on how sick-minded you are. Jonathan: Ummm.... How about we say that they're nude. Verthandi: Does the sight of a naked 12 year old really make your day? Jonathan: Now since you put it like that, they're clothed... so far. > "All right co-" was all Kyone had time to say before Tenchi pressed the > button on his remote detnotar. Kiyone: [opens her eyes in reaction to the explosion] Oh no. Verthandi: And then there were eight. Kiyone: The name is still spelled with an 'i'. Jonathan: You're one of the few people who would care about that. Kiyone: That's because it's my name too. Jonathan: [singing] "My name is John Jingelheimer-Schmidt. His name is my name too." Kiyone: [shakes her head] Spare us. > Washu and Kyone were nothing more than spots on the floor of Washu's Lab. Jonathan: Nothing some Spic-n-Span shouldn't be able to take care of. Verthandi: And a bulldozer. Kiyone: [praying] Please let the scene change soon... > Tenchi giggled some more and felt a wave of light headness come over him. Verthandi: And, after Tenchi kills, he dies a bit. That's fair. Kiyone: [sourly] What would be fair is if the author died a little bit. Jonathan: Now, now, we aren't supposed to insult the artist. > Then he went to find that little bitch Sasami who wanted to get into > his pants. "Little whore," thought Tenchi as he left. Kiyone: [on the verge of yelling] Sasami does not want to do that. Jonathan: You Sasami fans are all alike. Verthandi: Jonathan, do you think that seeing Tenchi making out with Sasami is an enjoyable sight? Jonathan: She's physically eight years old. Verthandi: Answer my question. Jonathan: Hell no. Verthandi: Then shush. > When he got outside Sasami's door he heard some Metallica blaring > as loud as the cd player would allow. Kiyone: And Sasami does not listen to Metallica. Verthandi: But you do. Kiyone: I listen to Enya too. Jonathan: Everyone I know has weird tastes in music. > That made Tenchi's headace even worse. "Damn little bitch!!" screamed Tenchi > but the music was too loud for her to hear. He knocked on the door. Kiyone: I could hear something like that. Verthandi: And I think you'd probably throw him out the third-story window too. Kiyone: Well, if he calls me a bitch, he'd deserve it. Jonathan: Defensive, aren't we? Kiyone: You want to go out the window. Jonathan: No. Kiyone: Then shush. > Nothing the music was too loud. So he went on in. The sight he saw was > shocking. Jonathan: (impersonating Philo from "UHF") Hold these. Verthandi: (not getting the reference) Ummm... why? Jonathan: (still doing the impersonation) I want to see if my interocitor can withstand a sudden charge of 50,000 volts. Kiyone: Now, that's shocking. > Sasami was naked on her bed holding a picture between her legs and moaning > softly. Jonathan: Ummm.... [he blushes slightly] can eight year olds actually... ummm.... get excited like that? Kiyone: [shrugs] I wouldn't know. > Tenchi looked at the picture and saw that it was a picture of him! "That > fucking slut!" Tenchi thought. Jonathan: Now, most guys would be flattered if they found out that a girl was doing something like that with his picture. Verthandi: She's eight years old. Kiyone: That's just sick. Jonathan: Maybe that outlook is the reason why you haven't had a boyfriend. Kiyone: Verthandi, slap him for me. [Verthandi slaps Jonathan. Again.] Thanks. > But now he knew just how to kill the little bitch. He left without her > even knowing he was there and went down stairs. Jonathan: Uh oh. Kiyone: I don't like this. Verthandi: Neither do I. > He went to the new grand piano that they had gotten for Ayeka > and looked inside. He found a loose wire and ripped it free. Jonathan: Death by asphyxiation. Verthandi: Not fun. Kiyone: I don't like where this is going. Verthandi: Kiyone, remind me again why we're here. Kiyone: Because we have way too much free time. > Now all he had to do was lure the little corner-walker into his trap. Kiyone: When did Sasami become a prostitute? Jonathan: Would an eight-year old whore get johns? Verthandi: Do pedophiles exist? Jonathan: Yes. Verthandi: There's your answer. > Sasami had turned of her music and was just laying there on the bed > thinking about Tenchi trying to find a way to get into his pants. Jonathan: Ummm.... are his pants really that big? Verthandi: [stifles a chuckle] No. Jonathan: So, she can't get in them. Verthandi: Only after he takes them off. Jonathan: So when did Sasami become a cross-dresser? Kiyone: Shush. > Then she heard a knock on her door and threw on her robe then opened > the door. There was no one there. Jonathan: Don't worry. It's just your imagination. Tenchi isn't there to kill you. Verthandi: Look out. He's behind you. [Jonathan turns around.] Kiyone: [laughing] She made you look. > She was about to close the door when she saw a note laying on the > floor. Jonathan: Sasami, look out, I have come to take your life. Verthandi: Shush. > It said, "Sasami I have decided that you are the one I want. Meet me in > Washu's Lab in 15 mins. Dont worry about Washu I have taken care of her." Jonathan: That's right. He's taken really good care of Washu. Verthandi: I wonder if he's cleaned the floor yet. Jonathan: I doubt it. Kiyone: I wonder what Sasami would have to say about this. Verthandi: She'd be really angry. Kiyone: Wouldn't you? Verthandi: I'd be so pissed... > Sasami's heart fluttered and she ran down to Washu's Lab and went inside. Kiyone: Isn't there a condition where your heart flutters? Verthandi: Think so. Kiyone: And isn't it slightly dangerous? Verthandi: Think so. Kiyone: Is this getting as bad as I think it is. Verthandi: Yep. Jonathan: You broke the chain. Verthandi: So? > "Tenchi," she called in that oh so sexy voice and walked toward a table in > the middle of the room. "This should serve my purpose with that sexy > man," she said. Jonathan: Didn't Washu and Kiyone have a bed in there? Verthandi: I think so. Kiyone: The explosion killed it. Jonathan: That's why Sasami picked the table then. > But she looked down and saw that she was standing in the puddle of goo > that Washu and Kyone had turned into. At first she thought it was just > some cabbit shit but then she saw the red and black hairs and it dawned > on her what had happened. Jonathan: I don't want to think about cabbit shit. Verthandi: And Tenchi should creep up behind her right about... > Just then she heard a portal open and felt something tighten around her > throat. Tenchi wasstrangeling her with some type of wire!!! Verthandi: ...now. Kiyone: I don't really want to watch this. Jonathan: Whose idea was it to do this? Kiyone: Mine, I think. > She fought to get free but he was stronger then her (rabies it'll do that > to you) so it was to no avall. Kiyone: Does rabies really do that? Verthandi: I haven't a clue. > The last thing she rembered was Tenchi's constant giggling and then she > died. Verthandi: And then there were seven. Jonathan: Would someone please take the nitrous oxide away from him? Verthandi: All you'd do is sniff it yourself. Jonathan: But it would be a lot more fun for me. > When she stoped breathing Tenchi picked her up and placed her on the > table. He drove nails through her hands and feet and left her > nailed to the table standing against the wall. Kiyone: [frowning] Semi-crucifiction. Verthandi: Even if she is the eight-year-old whore that the author makes her out to be, Sasami doesn't deserve this. > Now Tenchi thought that killing Yosho would be a lot more fun. Tenchi > muttered a giggle and went to the shrine to settle some things. Jonathan: I am taking the nitrous oxide away from him. Verthandi: No you're not. Jonathan: And why not? Verthandi: Because he doesn't have any. Jonathan: Damn. > Yosho was metidating on some wise sayings but he was running out > of ideas. Jonathan: My, Katsuhito has such a fun life, doesn't he? Verthandi: [shrugs] Apparently. > "Don't shit where you eat," came to mind but he quickly rejected it. Jonathan: That's a good saying, but not very Japanese. Verthandi: But one you'd use. Jonathan: [smiling] Of course. > Heard a thump behind him and it was Sasami's severd head staring at him. Kiyone: [holds her hand to her mouth] Oh, dear. Jonathan: On second thought, maybe ordering the wings was a bad idea. Verthandi: At least they haven't gotten here yet. > He jumped up wooden sword in hand. It was Tenchi with his hand behind his > back. Verthandi: "Look what I found, grandfather." Jonathan: "Tenchi, where did you find that?" Verthandi: "In Washu's lab, where I killed the whore myself." Kiyone: Shush you two. > "Tenchi what have you done," he screamed at him. Verthandi: "I killed her because she was trying to get off while she was looking at my picture." Jonathan: "You killed her because of that?" Verthandi: "That and I felt like it." Jonathan: "That still doesn't make it okay, Tenchi." Verthandi: "So?" > Tenchi didn't say a thing but just giggled and blood started to run > out of his nose. Yosho reconized it as rabies. Jonathan: I've had bloody noses before, but those werent't caused by rabies. Verthandi: Are you sure? Kiyone: If they had been, he'd be dead by now. Jonathan: And that would be bad, right? Verthandi: No comment. > Yosho knew what he had to do. He rushed Tenchi with a speed that > was blinding. Tenchi did nothing but pull what he had behind his back > out into view. Kiyone: A gun. Verthandi: The sword. Jonathan: A rubber chicken. [Kiyone and Verthandi turn towards him.] > It was a Colt 45 with a seclincer on it!! Tenchi pulled the trigger 8 > times. Yosho's body was thrown back into the wall and he bled to death. Kiyone: I was right. It was a gun. Verthandi: And then there were six. Jonathan: But does he really need the silencer? The shrine is in the middle of nowhere. Kiyone: But there's still people left. They could hear. Jonathan: True. > When he died Tenchi spit in his face. Kiyone: My, that's respectful. Verthandi: Letting out pent up anger, are we, Tenchi? Jonathan: Could be. > Tenchi took the body and threw it into the lake giggling the whole time. Jonathan: Ker-splash. Verthandi: Great place to store bodies. Better than the table. Kiyone: Are we half done yet? Verthandi: No. > It was time to take care of Ryoko that fucking whore. Tenchi giggled > and his headache got worse. Verthandi: Take some aspirin. Kiyone: That'll get rid of the headache, but it'll make his problem worse. Verthandi: Exactly. > Ryoko was watching her favroite soap opera when Tenchi found her. Jonathan: What do you think it is? Verthandi: I don't watch soaps. Kiyone: Neither do I. > He was careful not to let her see him sneaking into the kitchen to get > his "toy". Kiyone: I don't want to know. Verthandi: I think we're going to find out anyway. > He reached into the drawer and grabbed an ivory handle butcher knife. > It could cut through bone with one full swing and not have any trouble. Jonathan: The Gintsu knife. It slices, it dices, and it can cut through Ryoko's skull. Verthandi: Shush, Jonathan. Kiyone: I don't want to think about that. > He climbed inside a cabnet and called Ryoko's name. Ryoko > heard him and said "Coming my cuddle muffin." Verthandi: He's in the cabinet. Jonathan: And he's not your 'cuddle muffin'. He's a homicidal maniac. Kiyone: Who got rabies from your spaceship. Verthandi: Can Ryo-Ohki get rabies? Kiyone: Possibly. > She came into the kitchen and was puzzled. Jonathan: How many pieces? Kiyone: Shush. > She could of swore that Tenchi had called her name from in here. She turned > to leave when a can of carrots fell in front of her. Verthandi: I thought they grew their own carrots. Kiyone: So did I. Verthandi: So what're they doing with a can of carrots in the house? Jonathan: Providing a dumb prop to continue? Verthandi: Probably. > She looked up...... The last thing she saw was the light glinting off the > blade of the knife. Jonathan: Anyone know some good knife jokes? [Verthandi and Kiyone both shake their heads.] Oh well. > The knife went into the top of her skull and cleaved it in two. Jonathan: Like an overripe watermelon. Verthandi: I did not need that image. Kiyone: Nor I. Jonathan: But it fits. Verthandi: That's the scary part. And then there were five. > Leaving the blade buried in her neck Tenchi dragged her into Washu's Lab. Verthandi: Welcome to Washu's sub-dimensional graveyard. Kiyone: I don't think she'd approve of this use of her lab. Verthandi: Neither do I. > He left her in a very naughty poisiton on top of Sasami. Jonathan: All right. Who let Tenchi see Nobiyuki's porn catalog? Verthandi: Or hentai fanfics? Kiyone: I didn't. > Tenchi was now coughing up blood as he came up with his plan to kill that > air headed slut Mishoshi. He giggled and left. Jonathan: She should've been the first one to go. Kiyone: As long as it wasn't her in bed with Kiyone. Verthandi: I thought you'd rather no one was in bed with her. Kiyone: Of course. > Mishosi was watching tv in her room when she felt the cloth being > pressed against her mouth. Kiyone: Mihoshi. Jonathan: When did Tenchi pull down his pants and stand right in front of her? Verthandi: Shut up. Jonathan: What did I do? Kiyone: Enough. > Breathing in the colorform she passed out. Kiyone: Chloroform. Verthandi: I thought you gave up with the spell check. Kiyone: I got bored. > She woke up tied spread eagled on her bed with the corpses of Sasami and > Ryoko on top of her. Jonathan: She prolly wouldn't think it was that bad. If they were alive. Kiyone: Just shush. > She tried to scream but her mouth was duct taped shut with some sort of hose > in there. Verthandi: Not pantyhose, I take it. Kiyone: That was Jonathan's line. Jonathan: No it wasn't. > Tenchi was standing there and said " Now we are going to see if you are > really an airhead." Jonathan: Or a bike tire. Kiyone: Or a balloon. Verthandi: A Mihoshi balloon. That oculd be interesting. > He reached over and turned on the air compresser and air started to > fill up her mouth. Jonathan: Well, at least she doesn't have a breathing problem. Verthandi: Can you die of oxygen overdose? Kiyone: [shrugs] Possibly. > She started to cry and her eyes started to bulge out from the air pressure. Jonathan: [in mock Scottish accent] "Cap'n, she can't take much more of this." Verthandi: Do you think he cares? Jonathan: Ummm... no. > Finally her head couldn't take any more and it exploded. Verthandi: And then there were four. Kiyone: [looks away] I did not want to see that. Jonathan: [unaware of Kiyone's comment] That's what happens when you overfill a balloon. It pops. Kiyone: [glares at Jonathan] Don't make me hurt you. Verthandi: You need my permission to hurt him. Kiyone: Do I have it? Verthandi: [grins an evil grin] Of course. > Tenchi was covered in brains which he ate because they were tastey. Jonathan: Efficient cannibalism. Kill them and eat them. Verthandi: I just want to get out of here. Kiyone: Same here. > Now to get that ass hole Ryo-Oki. Tenchi giggled and went back to > Sasami's room. Kiyone: Who should realize that something is up by now. Verthandi: Well, Ryo-Ohki does have a telepathic bond with both Ryoko and Washu, right? Kiyone: Last I checked. > Ryo-Oki was asleep when Tenchi found her. Verthandi: If Ryo-Ohki does have a telepathic bond with either Ryoko and Washu, she should be awake. Kiyone: Well, given what's going on, I'm surprised that she's still asleep. Jonathan: And doesn't she have rabies anyway? > He picked her up and slammed her up against the dart board. Jonathan: Think of it as target practice. Verthandi: Shush. Kiyone: Raise your hand if you think that Ryo-Ohki doesn't deserve this. [Everyone raises their hand.] > He took a couple of darts that were lying on the table and jammed them > into her ears pinning her to the board. Jonathan: That's gotta hurt. Verthandi: Well, it's not exactly painless, no. Kiyone: How long have we been here? Verthandi: Too long. > Ryo-Oki was now crying like only she can and Tenchi ripped out het vocial > cords. Kiyone: 'het'? Verthandi: This is getting ridiculous. Kiyone: You just now noticed? Jonathan: Where's the ASPCA when you need them? > He then got the rest of the darts and played a little game. He hit her > three times in the heart and thankfully she died. Verthandi: And then there were four. Jonathan: Well, that's a bummer of a bullseye. Verthandi: You noticed? Jonathan: At least he has good aim. > Tenchi's dark mission was almost done all he had to do is kill > Ayeka and he would have his revenge. He giggled of course and threw up. > Then he left. Jonathan: Out of the fanfic, hopefully. Verthandi: Revenge against what? Kiyone: [drily] Himself. > Ayeka was in the hot springs when he found her. She was thinking > of a way to(you guessed it) to get into Tenchi's pants. Verthandi: Why does everyone want to get into his pants? Jonathan: I don't know. Verthandi: I mean, if he's wearing them, how's Ayeka going to get into them? > All Tenchi had to do was replace the saki she was drinking with sfurlic > acid and the job was done. Jonathan: Sounds like someone raided the chemistry lab. Verthandi: What did you get this time? Jonathan: [innocently] It wasn't me. > When she took a drink her throat was eaten out and she bled to death. Verthandi: And then there were two. Jonathan: Another key sign to check what you're drinking before you take a gulp of it. Verthandi: You got plastered by not doing that last weekend, Jonathan. Jonathan: Don't remind me. > Tenchi giggled and dragged her body to the others and set them on fire. Jonathan: Oooh... Fire. Kiyone: At least he had the decency to get rid of the bodies with a pyre. > Tenchi was having fun until his heart exploded because of the rabies. > He died with a smile on his face and someones arm in his hand. Verthandi: And then there was one. Kiyone: That's not an image I need to have seen. Verthandi: Does rabies do that anyway? Kiyone: Do what? Verthandi: Cause your heart to explode. Kiyone: I don't know, but be glad that it's over. [Jonathan wanders to the back of the theater.] Kiyone: What's he doing? Verthandi: Getting his buffalo wings I'd imagine. > The Moral? The Moral is ....I can't think of one so leave me alone! Verthandi: I'd hate to have seen what the moral would have been. Kiyone: I don't want to think about it. > The End [Kiyone and Verthandi give a standing ovation to the two words. Jonathan is still paying the delivery guy.] > Story by: Ray Moore Kiyone: I wouldn't want credit for it. Verthandi: Well, your writing style is different. Kiyone: Of course. [Jonathan comes back with a huge box of buffalo wings.] Jonathan: What did I miss? Kiyone: Nothing important. > Tenchi and others are copyrighted by Pioneer all rights reserved. > Tell me what you think at Goku89@juno.com. Kiyone: [jots down the e-mail address] Believe me, you will. Verthandi: Are you going to flame him? Kiyone: No, that's Jonathan's job. Jonathan: Did someone mention my name? Verthandi: Yeah. Hand me a buffalo wing. Jonathan: Sure thing. Do you want anything, Kiyone? Kiyone: I'm going to get some Chinese food. Verthandi: On a scale of one to ten, what would you give this? Kiyone: With one being worst? Verthandi: Yep. I give it a one. Kiyone: I give it a zero. Jonathan: I give it the square root of a negative number. Verthandi: [shakes her head] Get out of your imaginary world. [All three leave the theater.] AFTERNOTES: This is my first MST3K, and I enjoyed actually doing it. I'll admit that it may not be the best thing it could be or the best one out there, but I tried. Also, this isn't my only MST... I have another one in the works right now, written by the same author. (Hey, somebody's got to do it.) Please e-mail any comments to sasami@starmail.com and don't go to the Cinema of Unknown Art without the critics.