MST'98 #3 "The Great Magical Girls Wars (Part 1)" by BGlanders Straight from the laptop of Marty Van Assche This is an MST of a work by another author. Anything I say, allude to, or otherwise make fun of are the properties of their respectful creators. It's all in fun. I hope you like it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------- SOL "Now you see, Crow. This is why we never use Tom as a BFG10K," Mike said, indicating the large hole in the side of the SOL. "We won't be able to use the HoloCababa until Gypsy can fix this and shut down the force field." "Well then, Mike what can we do now?" Crow asked. Tom staggered to his feet (well, as much as a robot who floats can, anyway). "Crow! Don't say that or-" The message light came on. "Poopie," they said in unison, then pushed the button. DEEP 13 "Good morning! It's a great day, isn't it?" Dr. F said. SOL "Sure thing, Doc," Mike said. DEEP 13 "Yes it is, lab rats!" Dr. F replied. "Let's proceed with the invention exchange, shall we? This week, I've invented a stupendous chemical. Once a subject is immersed in the solution, their genes rearrange to transmogrify them into something else. The process can be reversed with hot water, and reactivated with cold water. I'll demonstrate on Frank." SOL "Psst... Mike," the bots whispered, "didn't he just..." "Yes, guys," Mike hissed back, "he did. But he'll learn not to mess with this stuff pretty quickly." DEEP 13 "Volia! Frank has been exposed!" Dr. F said, gesturing towards the rather shapely young girl inhabiting a set of Frank's soaked clothes. "It's perfect! Now I can take over the world!" SOL "Sure thing, Doc," Mike said. "Our invention this week is a hammer concealed in a subspace that-" DEEP 13 "Oh, who really cares. Here's your fanfic for today. It's a silly little thing by BGlanders called "The Great Magical Girls Wars." Enjoy!" SOL "Has he just lost his mind?" Crow asked. "BGlanders is a GOOD author! What could he possibly write that could break our spirits?" "I don't know, Crow, Fukanzen sent all of us into depression for 3 weeks. We we so crushed that the other fanfics didn't even faze us." "It's ok, though. He's writing some happy stuff now. Let's just get it over with," Tom said. "Got it," Mike said, stuffing the subspace door into his pocket. DEEP 13 "Send them the hurt, Frank." SOL Door sequence- 1- breaks off and gets sucked through the hole crow made, blowing our intrepid heroes(?) out into space, where Gypsy summirarily saves them with a tractor beam and places them in the theater. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------- >In a dimension far, far away (but not so far that you wouldn't give a hoot), >in a palace that gleamed with a crystalline glow that was really shiny, TOM: I'd imagine that takes a LOT of polish. >three >beings (women of course, all higher powered beings are women. Humph.) MIKE: Are we just a tad bitter? CROW: But Mike, you're always telling us that Dr. F must be a woman because... TOM: Crow, this is not the time. >Were >sitting around a great table in a great hall that was all in all really. >super. CROW: :Darth Vader-ish: Impressive.... >"Is this really necessary?" The silver haired one in the silvery white dress >asked. TOM: Of course! The plot demands that we know every completely irrelevant detail. DUH! >"I'm afraid that the current situation demands it." The blue haired one >with two ponytails looked grim as she spoke. MIKE: We're out... of... toilet paper. CROW: Very grim, I agree. You always need TP for your bunghole. TOM: Crow, not only was that completely tasteless, but it was also the wrong quip for you. I'll do the one you should have done. `I took it! Come and get it!!' " There, you see? >"Well then, there's really no other option, is there?" The third woman, who >until this moment had been silent in her white nun's robes, finally agreed. ALL: No one will be seated during the extraneous agreement scene! >"For Crystal Tokyo!" The first one cried out. TOM: Yep, that's Sailor Moon. CROW: The gleaming crystal palace didn't tip you off? TOM: Hey, cut me some slack! I miss stuff occasionally... CROW: Well, I'm not going to call you King Serenity anymore. TOM: Grrrr... MIKE: Silence, you two! Or I shall smite you with the Hammer of Justice! The bots just look at him, then crack up. MIKE: SILENCE!! (reaches into the subspace portal where the hammer usually is, and not finding it) umm, D'OH! >"For Juraihelm!" The second one said with a determined chin. TOM: How determined was it? CROW: The little chin that could... >"For His divine grace!" The little nun-in-training cried out. MIKE: How does one become a "nun-in-training?" You're either in or you're out! >"Um. okay." The blue haired one turned to the shining silvery maiden beside >her and whispered in her ear. >"Where exactly did you say you found her? She doesn't really seem to. well. >belong here, if you know what I mean." TOM: She's such a weirdo, Serenity! Get her outta here! >The silver haired woman nodded as her fingers tightened around a wand that >was topped off by what looked like a crescent moon. "If you must know, I >brought her here because of her avatar." MIKE: He asked me to take her as a personal favor. I'll get him for this! >The second one's eyebrows scrunched in confusion. "Wait, her avatar doesn't >posses any real magic, hers just uses stage tricks to get what she wants." CROW: She's subtle. I like that. >The third one, who had until this moment been listening intently, finally >.cleared her throat and spoke to both women in a calm and graceful manner. TOM: Cat fight! Cat fight! >"My avatar, if you must call her that, has the magical ability of the >suspension of disbelief. Is that good enough for you?" CROW: Descartes is her avatar? MIKE: No, Crow, Coleridge invented the idea of suspension of disbelief. Points for trying, though. TOM: Her avatar is an actress?? >"Yes, of course it is. I'm just a bit apprehensive in this matter," the >third woman nodded in agreement. "Besides, we're going to need all the help >we can get. I'm just glad events are unfolding in our favor for once. MIKE: I don't know, it seems like events ALWAYS unfold in their favor... >Come; CROW: .... >let us prepare the stage. Our performers are going to give the show of their >lifetimes" TOM: It's just the matinee, for crying out loud! >The tree women nodded their heads and silently began to leave, each mumbling >something about odd circumstances and why they always seemed to happen in that >oh-so-chaotic way that they did. MIKE: When did the tree women come into this? I'm confused... CROW: Hey! Tsunami doesn't mutter! TOM: Fannnnnbooooyyyyyyyy!!!!! *** CROW: HEY!! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE SHOOTING, BGLANDERS!!! >In another dimension far, far away (to far to really care about, but oh >well.) in a great black crystalline palace, three dark cosmic beings sat >around a great dark table muttering dark things that were really. evil. TOM: I've noticed that the bad guys in the dark palace generally do. >"Then we are decided?" The pale one with dark red hair spoke in a smooth, >yet chilling voice. The horns on her shoulders gleamed in the pale light. CROW: She's so EEEEEEVVVVIILLL!! >"Of course, this was a wonderfully evil idea! MIKE: So you have nice thoughts from time to time? >Finally, I shall have the >upper hand against that goody two-shoed little.!" The purple haired one was >starting to twitch as a familiar vein started to protrude from her forehead. CROW: She should get that looked at. If she has a stroke, it's going to be really difficult to take over the world, y'know. >"Um. excuse me you two, but why am I here exactly? TOM: Easy! You're the extraneous villain! You're the one that'll get killed off! > I mean, I know that we're >all evil, but I don't exactly see how I apply to this evil plot. I mean, I >don't even really KNOW my opponent exactly." The third woman at the table >scratched her metallic head with a hand that seemed to come from the void that >was her body. MIKE: What series is this character from? Can't there be some normal villains? >The purple (or was it pink? You can never really tell in an evil light set) CROW: Dr. F has the same problem.. >haired woman turned to the first speaker and whispered, "Um, come to think of >it, why the hell is she here? I mean, she's evil and all, but she really >doesn't apply to this situation. Hell, she's not even a major player! Why >the hell.?" >The dark haired woman turned to her purple haired companion and whispered in >an angered voice, "Look, there's three of them and two of us. If you want to >go out and try to find another super-powered villain on short notice then be >my guest, little miss second-in-line!" MIKE: Hey, I heard Kagato's looking for work! >"WHADDYA MEAN, SECOND IN LINE?!?" TOM: SECOND-IN-LINE - the item immediately following the first, backup string >"Look. I was desperate and unless you want to work with Fajita." CROW: I was young and needed the money... >"Vegita." TOM: Ok, problem! If you even TRIED to injure Sasami in any way, he'd vaporize you SO quickly.... >"WHATEVER! .Then you'll take her as the next best thing." MIKE: Not-so-important supervillians, Inc. When you ALMOST care enough to send the very best. >The purple haired wanna-be queen sat and thought about this for awhile, all >the time considering the merits of their third member. CROW: Yeah, she's taggable.... MIKE: You're pushing it, Crow... >"Well. what exactly can she offer us?" TOM: Speaking from experience, I would recommend that you stay quiet, Crow. Otherwise, Mike will do something VERY bad to you. >The purple haired woman turned and >yelled at the metallic feminine fatale sitting across from her. "Hey, just >what exactly can you do? I mean, do you have any super powers or really evil >avatars?" CROW: I can set your brother on fire, does that count? >The chrome queen smiled and gestured behind her. Instantly, an army of >mechanical soldiers appeared. The leader, a blonde robot with a fish-bowl >face spoke up with a British accent not unlike David Bowie's. TOM: O GOD!!!! SAVE US!!! AAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH! MIKE: This is happening way too early... >"Um, your Majesty, why exactly are we doing this?" CROW: Because we're evil. Why else? >The metal Madame spoke up with her cold, villainous voice. "Because this is >an excellent opportunity for me to advance my role in humanity's downfall." MIKE: Why does everybody hate humanity? I mean, it's not like we're... oh, wait, yes we are. Never mind! Proceed with the downfalling! >"Oh, all right then." And as soon as they appeared, they were gone. TOM: (shuddering a bit) And how quickly was that...? >The red haired woman with ample bosom smiled wickedly. "Not exactly what I >was hoping for, but good enough! Shall we begin, ladies?" CROW: LEMON SCENE!!!!!! WOO HOO!!! >The three women nodded each giving a wicked smile. One by one, they began to >let out with a laughter that could only be known as pure evil. MIKE: No no, Ryo-ohki on a sugar high. THAT'S pure evil. *** >BGlanders presents. >The Great Magical Girl Wars >Or >Why You Should Never Scrounge For Villains At the Last Second TOM: I'll tell you why! A line at the checkout counter forms if you wait too long! >CHAPTER 1: Setting the Stage *** >It was a beautiful, sunny, chipper, happy day as Usagi was once again >flooring it down the street with the speed of an ICBM. CROW: Ah, yes. Sailor Moon, the guided missile. > Mailmen, pedestrians >and other extras in the story leapt out of her way as she tore down the road. MIKE: Hmph. If this was Project A-ko, there would have been some casualties. Darn the luck! >"Ohh, I'm gonna be late again! Why can't Luna ever get off her rump and wake >me up in the morning? If she wasn't so busy cat napping I might actually make >it to class on time just once!" TOM: O_O Was there any mention of Oscar in this particular story? MIKE: No, Tom. It's ok, there's no bad hermaphrodite in this fic. TOM: Whew! >True to form, Usagi arrived at Crossroads Jr. High School ten minutes late. >As She unsuccessfully tried to sneak into her seat, Miss Haruna broke into her >usual spiel. (The sound of shattering glass is heard) >"Tsukino! I see that you've finally decided to join us today! And you're >just in time, too!" TOM: I don't know... Why would anybody bother to try reverse psychology on Usagi? >Usagi's eyebrows scrunched as she scratched her head. "Hold it, what do you >mean 'on time'? I'm at LEAST 10 minutes late today." The class snickered as >she caught herself. TOM: Huh huh. She said "least." >"You're just in time to volunteer for a very special after school activity, >Miss Tsukino. You have been chosen by me to become a BSH." MIKE: CROW!!!!! CROW: What? What? I said nothing!!!! >"A. BSH? What's that?" Usagi scratched her head yet again as a certain girl >with dark blue hair beside her tried to contain her snickering. TOM: Somebody is being a bit too smug for their own good. SMACK HER, SAILOR MOON! CROW: (muttering) fannnnnnbboooyyyyy... >"Why, it's a Big Sister Helper, Usagi. You're going to take on a little >sister for the next two weeks. You're to spend every waking moment with her, >helping her in school and in social situations." CROW: Social situations? Oh you mean that special first.... MIKE: I know where this is going, so I recommend not finishing that sentence. >By now the color had drained >from Usagi's face. Her left eye started to twitch and a low groan started to >emit from her mouth. TOM: She became a zombie in less than 10 seconds! I'm impressed. > The girl beside her, although trying hard not to laugh, >finally succeeded in calming herself. Usagi cast a wary glance at her super >smart friend. CROW: (Usagi) Ok, Ami, find a way to get me out of this! >"Sorry Usagi, but it looks like you've got your hands full for awhile. If >you need some extra help in keeping up with your studies this week, I'd be >glad to study with you." Usagi shook her head and took out her homework for >the day. CROW: You're completely useless, Ami! >"That's okay, Ami. I guess it's my own dumb fault for being late in the >first place." MIKE: Ohhhh, Luna is sooooooooo dead. >With a defeated on her face, Usagi prepared for the rest of the >day, wondering what other pot shots the great Kamis would take at her. CROW: First rule in any anime series. Never comment on how nice the day is, or comment on your luck. This always invites trouble. ALWAYS. *** >"Vacation? Where are we going?" >Meimi sat in the family dining room, kicking her legs absently in the air as >her mother and father started to lay out the finer details of their trip to >their daughter. MIKE: Oh, for Pete's sake, just go! >"Wee dear, your father and I got to thinking about spring break this year and >we decided that it would be fun to spend some time with some close relatives." TOM: Inexplicably, Meimi's parents had been acting more and more strangely after that incident with the short, bearded man with the gold and four leaf clovers. >Meimi's eyes lit up like Christmas bulbs. "You mean we're going to." ALL: DISNEYLAND!!!!! >Mr. Haneoka nodded and smiled. "We're going to go pay a visit to your aunt >Kawaii!" MIKE: Well, I guess that's okay... >Meimi loved visiting her aunt Kawaii for several reasons. One of which was >that she lived in a music store in Tokyo, which meant loads of sight seeing >was coming her way. The second was that this meant she would be able to spend >some time with her cousin, Sasami. CROW: This is going to be very interesting. >"When do we leave?" TOM: How about right now? Everybody, IN THE CAR! >Mr. Haneoka nibbled on a piece of fish while his wife answered the question. MIKE: Mmmm... fish. >"We leave in two days. Be sure to have your clothes packed and ready, okay >Meimi?" The young redhead nodded and grinned. Already, she knew that this >was going to be a great trip. As she finished her dinner and headed up to her >room, she remembered her friend, Seira. >"Oh no, what if someone needs help while I'm gone, or what if something >happens? What'll I do then?" CROW: Yes, what are the contingency plans for such a situation? >As Meimi let her thoughts wander, she walked >into her bedroom and plopped down on the bed. then immediately she jumped up >with a surprised yelp. From under the covers, a small brown ball of fur >emerged with a bandage on its forehead. >"Oh Ruby I'm so sorry! Are you okay?" TOM: OF COURSE NOT! >The tiny hedgehog let out a whimper and leapt into its master's arms. "Oh >Ruby, guess what? We get to go to Tokyo in two days! You'll get to meet my >cousin Sasami and I know you and her are gonna hit it off just great!" CROW: Interspecies relationships? I don't know what to say! >As Ruby slowly started to drift off to sleep, Meimi couldn't help but worry that >something big was about to happen, and that she was right at the center of it. MIKE: I thought Sasami was the one who had the premonitions. TOM: That's just in the OAV's, Mike. MIKE: Oh, right. *** >"Wow, these are really good Sasami!" CROW: I can't say I've had a really good Sasami in a while, myself. MIKE: You're cutting it close, Crow. >It was a beautiful spring day as two young girls, one with jet-black hair, >the other with two long blue ponytails, sat on a red and white checkered >blanket in the middle of the Juban Park. Sasami had called up her best friend >Misao and had asked her if she wanted to go on a picnic with her. Since it >wasn't too hot out, Misao decided that she could step outside for awhile >without getting too dizzy from the sun. TOM: That girl collapses more that a defective beach chair! How is she still alive? >The two had come to their favorite >playing area where they proceeded to gorge themselves on Sasami's wonderful >cooking. Ryo-Ohki had already stuffed himself with carrots and was currently >enjoying a cabbit nap in the warm spring sunshine. >"Gee, you like it? Thanks Misao!" The young, blue haired beauty smiled at >the compliment. MIKE: Blue-haired beauty? This could get real bad REAL quick. I hope the author is just being a humongous Sasami fanboy and not... Crow, stop that! CROW: (wiping away the drool) What? Mike begins searching for something. > Suddenly, both of the girls remembered that they had news for the other. >"Guess what.?" They both said at the same time. TOM: (girlish voice) I can't! I can't! Tell me! >"You first Misao," Sasami giggled. CROW: GO MISAO! WOO WOO! MIKE: BAD CROW!!! (finds the Hammer of Justice and smites Crow) CROW: O_o /Owwww! >"Okay," Misao lay back on the blanket and watched the clouds overhead wander >by. "For the next two weeks, I'm getting a big sister! There's a program >called Big Sister Helpers where older girls volunteer to spend time with >someone who." Misao stopped as a lump started to form in her throat. TOM: Causing a horrible death by asphyxiation. MIKE: I know you don't like reading this, but can we not kill off the cute kids? >Sasami realized what her friend was saying and tried to make the best of it. >"Really? Wow, I'm so happy for you Misao! Have you met her yet?" >Misao watched as a poofy white steamship sailed across the sky, then broke up >into bits of shapeless fluff. "Not yet, but our teacher gave me my Big >Sister's name today. Her names Tsukino Usagi and her teacher said that she >was really eager to volunteer. CROW: That teacher is really mean! >Sasami laid beside Misao and watched the clouds drift by. Ryo-Ohki gave a >contented myia as visions of carrots danced through his mind. "I'm real happy >for you, Misao. You two are going to get along great, I just know it!" >Misao and Sasami lay in silence for awhile, enjoying the occasional sound of >traffic as it sped by the outskirts of the park. Sounds of children playing >on the nearby playground drifted over the grass to the two young magical girls. MIKE: Getting lemony..... > After awhile, Misao spoke up. >"You were gonna say something Sasami, what was it?" >Sasami sat upright with a giant smile on her face. "Oh yeah, I almost >forgot! My cousin Meimi is coming down for a visit! You'll like her, Misao. TOM: Oh, the matchmaking NEVER stops! >She's about our age and she's really fun. Her mom and my mom are sisters, and >whenever they come over we always have a lot of fun! You've got to come play >with us sometime, Misao!" CROW: (whistles innocently as Mike smites him mightily with the Hammer of Justice) Owww.... >Misao smiled at the invitation and promised her friend that she would stop >by. After a few more minutes of cloud watching, Sasami and Misao decided to >head over to the playground and have some fun. TOM: (slamming the Wang Chung CD into his dome) Everybody have fun tonight! *** >"Hmmm, now which one's a magical girl?" MIKE: What, can't you tell? What a stupid villain. >In the bushes on the outskirts of the park, three very unlikely shapes could >be seen. Granted, this was Tokyo, the Juban section no less, however the >unlikely gaggle that was crouching behind their bushy outcropping was a >strange sight by ANY standard. CROW: Ever been to Disney World? >The first speaker, for all practical purposes, was a robot. He was dressed >in what looked like 17th century attire and had what looked hike blonde hair >coming down from the top of his circular head. His face, if you could call it >that, was a plexi-screen with what appeared to be a target painted on it. MIKE: Bullseye!!! BOTS: Laaaaammmmmmeeeeeee! >"I told you already! They both are!" TOM: You moron! >The second speaker, under any normal circumstances, didn't seem that odd at >all. Well, unless you don't consider purple talking birds an oddity. CROW: Why would anyone think talking purple birds odd? >"Then what are we waiting for? Let's take them both out now and save >ourselves some trouble!" MIKE: Good one, Scooter, kill them all. That'll work.... >The third speaker was no stranger to this particular park. Often times he >had been found beaten to a bloody pulp, claiming that if it hadn't been for >that blonde haired witch. His clothing consisted of a gray jacket with >matching pants. His face was actually somewhat handsome, save for the evil >gleam in his evil looking eyes. TOM: Evil SI fanfic author!! NI! Kill him! Kill him now!!! >"Because," Rumia was starting to get slightly perturbed, "One of them is on >our side! Besides, we're here to defeat them, not kill them." TOM: When did this "nice bad guys" idea start? >Count Mecha gave a mechanical snort. "Humph, like it really matters." >"No, the bird's right." Jadeite suddenly spoke up. "We watch and wait for >now. Soon the others will arrive and when they do, then we act." CROW: Oooh! Shakespeare, I hope... MIKE: No, Crow. >As Sasami and Misao played on the equipment, Sasami couldn't help thinking >that somewhere, far off in the distance, or even as close as that clump of >bushes over there, that something evil was watching, waiting. and laughing. TOM: So she summoned the Pretty Anvil of Death and smashed them flat. TO BE CONTINUED! ALL: Urrggh. *** I don't own these characters. I'm poor. Please don't sue. All C&C, flames, uber-rants, whatever should go to BGlanders@aol.com ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------ SOL "Well, that didn't kill us, but I can definitely feel my sanity stretching out quite a bit," Mike said. "Seriously," Tom replied, "this could get bad. "I agree," Crow added, "The potential implications of this dangerously sweet crossover might warp the space-time continuum as we know it and transform you-know-who into the Overfiend... and then... Then I'M BUSTIN' OUT AND GOIN' HOME!" Tom and Mike stare at Crow for a second. "Ummm, Crow... who is this person who's going to transform into the `Overfiend'?" "Why, it-" The monitor lights up, displaying the image of a seriously pissed-off panda who holds up a sign that reads, "Not a word. Chapter 2 is out. Now you die. Press the button, Frank." Fade to black. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------- MSTr's notes I'd like to thank BGlanders for letting me riff this story. It's fun, and it keeps me from going insane from college. I hope somebody out there gets a laugh. If not, or even if so, write me at I like email, especially about writing. Chapter 2, hopefully out soon. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved ___________________________________________________________________ You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. 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