Jaiq: I would like to start by saying what I don't own. I don't own "Where is Joe Merchant", that is owned by Jimmy Buffett and whatever publisher he was with at the time. I don't own Tenchi Muyo! or any related characters (jump for joy), they belong to Pioneer and another set of initials. I don't own Gundam Wing, that is the property of Sunrise something or other. I don't own Dragon Ball Z, that would be something like Funimation, I guess. I don't own Highlander, and I don't realy know who does. And to M & M, and Kid Rock I hope that they don't try to kill me. Also, I'd like to appologize if I barrowed from somthing you wrote, Sinji the Ten o'clock Assassin's "10-chi The Quickies", which I thought was funnier than bad (I have two respect someone who can kill time). On to the Story.............. Somrwhere on Detroit's eastside, in a rundown apartment building a maniacal fanfic writer holds an assortment-o-characters (some his-some not), forcing them to help him write his abbominations. Jaiq emerges from his room on the top floor of the building with a hand full of envelopes. Each envople had a different name on it, noe for each of his imaginary staffers. Jaiq decended from the fifth floor to the fourth and walked to the door of his first employee. He put his hand on the door knob, it was locked but it didn't keep him out. He just turned the knob and walked in. Luna was in the shower when Jaiq walked in, making sure to position himself between her and her wepon belt. Luna flung the shower curtain open. Luna: GOD DAMN IT JAIQ! How many times have told you to say out of my...(her huge purrple eyes went wide as soccerballs). Yeeooww!!! (she jumps out of the shower landing in Jaiq's arms.) ............. Meanwhilein the basement Squal and Lily are looking at the water heater. Lily: So it just stopped huh? Squal: Yup. about ten minutes ago. Lily: Well, I don't smell any gas. (Lily scratches her head, then she hears gunfire erupting from the fourth floor.) Squal: That was actualy kind of creative! Lily: The man just will not take 'drop dead and let me help you' for an answer. Six hours later Jaiq was the only being standing in the conferance room and looked highly pissed off. Squal and Lily were sitting in front of him, looking at the floor. Jaiq: So, you like to play with the hot water do ya! (All is quiet.) I have a special treat for our little plumbers. Thread: Don't blame them cause Luna shot you down again! Luna: Literaly! Jaiq: Two more volunteers! Anyone else!? (Walks over to the intercom on the wall). Joe! Joe: Charlie! Jaiq: JOE! Joe: CHARLIE! Jaiq: JOE MERCHANT! Joe: CHARLIE FABIAN! Jaiq(through clenched teeth): ChArLiE, iS tHe FiC lOaDeD yEt? Joe: All set, but i don't think they deserved this! Jaiq(as Colonel Ciaro): Don't think. You are not paid to think. I am the thinker. You are the help. And you four, get to the screening room! ............. Joe(into tape recorder): Subbasement one, screening room set for non-entertainment showing entitled "My Worst Tenchi Fanfic", a Highlander x-over with lemon-lime potential. Veiwed by the pointy ear players: Thread, Lily Figgis, Squal Wingless, ans Luna Erheardt. >as the story begins Techi and Aeka are int the forrest near the Masaki home. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the two are boinking in the woods. Luna: That was fast! Lily(as Aeka): Honestly Lord Tenchi I thought you would last more than two minutes! >Ayeka got tired and sat down on a big rock, "Why on Earth did Miss Washuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu ever invent these"? Thread: Where did that 'Y' come from? Lily: If *he* was the fast one, why was *she* tired? Squal: I knew Washu was old, but not old enough to invent *that*! >"I guess", Tenchi was looking at the spring loaded shoe labled "Boink-o-Matic", on his left foot, "She thought they would be fun. She was wrong"! "I know", said Iyeka. Luna: I didn't know you could spell it like that. >Ayeycha and Tinchee were taking off there "Boink-o-Matic" shoes when they heard the sounds of a sword fight in progress. Now bear foot, heywent to investigate these noises. Squal: Luna, have you ever heard of Tinchee and Ayeycha? Who are they? Luna: I don't know, but it looks like they're bears. Thread: It says they took off there, but it doesn't say where. >Tenchee and Aye-ay-ka reached the clearing Justin time to see Connor Mcloud cutting the head off of Thread, the great elven knight. Electricity started flying everywhere. Lily(as electricity): Now connecting to Dallas, Denver, Dover, Deluth, and Dee-troit! Squal: Hey Thread, you're a Fanfic star! Thread(as Cartman): Dude, that was not even funny! Luna(as Kyle): Damn it Cartman! Get your fat ass off the screen, we cant see the movie! Lily: This was not writen by a fan! >When things calmed down Tenchi said, "Hey, who the fuck are you"? "My name is Luna(as Eminem): Slim Shady! Thread(as Kid Rock): Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid! >Connor Mcloud of the Clan Mcloud. You wanna make something of it"! "What the hell", Denchi thawt, "I haven't killed any thing in weeks"! "Yeah", he said, "I wanna maik something of it!", then he pulled out his sword hilt and formed the yellow energy blade. Lily: That explains it! Luna: Explains what? Lily: How he got so out of character, someone changed his name on him. Thread(as coffee comercial): We've witched Tenchi's normal sword with 'Denchi', let's see if he notices. >and quickly dispatches the 'Highlander'. "Oh wow", says Eyeakuh, then changes into cabbit form and snuggles to Teccheese leg. Mihoshi walks up, grabs Ayey-oh-ki by the neck and swollows her hole. Tenchi smiles, Squal: So this is a lesbian scene now! Luna: Ayeka Was A CABBIT!! Thread(right eye twitching): Ayeka! Not Eyeakuh! Tenchi's! Not Tencheese! Swollowed her WHOLE! Not swollowed her HOLE!! Lily: It's not that bad Thread. Squal just didn't have a chance to proofread it. Thread(to Squal): You spell worse than he does! Squal: But I Also own a paper shreader. >and whispers in her ear, "Seeing you kill stuff makes my MIGHTY JOHNSON hard" [SCHWING!], an his pants exploded, "See"! Thread: HIS PANTS EXPLODED!! My 'MIGHTY JOHNSON' hurts!! Squal: I call mine 'Epyon'! >Tench and M1h0sh1 were walking back to his room as they passed Ryoko playing the drums, Washu playing the bass guitar, And Joe Merchant playing his Statocaster (hope I spelled it right). "Good morning Techi-sama", Washu says. Tenchi replies, "No! I'm Tenchi Pansaroff"! "Whatever", said Washu, "I don't worry about such details I'm the greatest, most brilliant, and CUTEST bassplayer in the universe"! Lily: Hey Charlie, are you ready for your close-up! Joe(from the Projector room): SHOOT ME! JUST KILL ME NOW. >Ryoko said, "Hey Tenchi, are you going to fuck Mihoshi"? "Yes I am Ryoko, would you like to watch"? "HELL YES!", Screamed Joe Merchant. All (even Tenchi, Mihoshi, and Ryoko) look back at the projector room:...... Joe: MY NAME IS... Tenchi(as Eminem): Slim Shady! Mihoshi(as Kid Rock): Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid! Ryoko(as Squal): EPYON!! Joe:...Danny Wood! Thread(to Lily): Emphisis on 'Wood'. >Tenchi leaned Mihoshi back on the grand piano, Luna: Which had no business in Tenchi's back yard. >stuck his salami into her, Squal: Note to self: Never eat lunch meat ever again! >and proceeded to fuck the stuffing out of her. Lily: Cancel Thanksgiving! >Untill he reached his peak and sprayed his egg nog into her. Thread: MUST, WASH, EYES, WITH, BATTERY, ACID!!!! Joe: Dude! Did you say acid? I could use some about now! >This got Washu and Ryoko so very aroused that they sandwiched Joe, stripped him naked, and took turns sucking his candy cane. Joe: Can't exactly say I'm hating this. Others: Ewwww!! >Sasami walked up to the writer of the fic with an angry look on her face. Thread(as Sasami): How dare you write this! >"How dare you write this Thread: creepy >and not give me someone to fuck"! All: CREEPIER!!!! >The writer of the fic then starts typing, after a few minutes Gohan comes up behind and blasts her from behind. Luna: Killing her and saving us! >Sasami began moaning, "Oooh Yeah! Wait, wrong hole! Yeah! There it is! There it is! There it is!! Ooooh Yeah! GO-GO-GOHAN! YOU'RE MY HEERO!! Luna(as Heero Yuy): What's that Zero? Self detonate? Thread(as Duo Maxwell): Come with me ON MY JOURNEY INTO HELL!!! >DA-DADA-DAT-DADA!!! SUPER SAIYAN!!!!!", with that the young warrior's wiener went off like a fire hydrant, propelling Sasami twenty feet in the air. Squal(to Lily): And you thought Tenchi was quick! Lily(as Roughneck): We struck oil BABY! >Just then the 'Hemisphere Dancer' lands in the lake and out jumps Team Rocket. Squal(as Ash): We don't have time for your dumb motto! Thread(as Brock): I'm busy fingering Misty! (Lily beats Thread mercilessly with a sledge hammer). >Jesse yells, "Go Lickitung!", Lickitung sticks it's head nuder her mini skirt and Jesse falls moaning with pleasure. Luna: Who's this 'pleasure' chick, and why's she moaning? > James yelled, "Go Weezing", and his poke'mon came out and died of lung cancer, taking this fic with it. .............THE END............. All: YEEHAH YIPPYAYEAY!!! Joe: NACHOS!!! >Epilogue Lily: I don't want to know what's next. >*Mihoshi gave birth to both Tenchi's daughter, Tenshi, and Aye-ay-oh-ki. *Tenchi now runs a large trout farm. *Sasami gave birth two weeks later. Gohans son's name is Gosami. Squal: He has such a flare for names! Luna: Doesn't that usualy take nine months? >*The author of the fic was burned at the stake for his malicious murder of the English language. Joe: And the peasants rejoiced! All(as peasants): Baby likes to rock it like a Boogie Woogie choo-choo train! >*Where is Joe Merchant? SUCKED DRY BY WASHU! SHE'S REALY A VAMPIRE! All(even Joe): (hold thier right hands over thier heart) Luna: At least he went out like he always wanted to. Joe: Amen! Fade and Song "Mermaids and Mainiacs" By Jaiq da Goose I stab myself with pencils, so hide sharp utensils Smack myself with a pan 'till I'm mental I realy wanna be a seaplane pilot Only trouble is that I can't fly shit One-O-one phuckahs lettin' 'em loose Running wild so they call me Da Goose I'd like to thank all the women who made me Thanks to Lara, Jesse, Jade, and Cammy She's everything I want and all that I need But she only exists on a black C.D. Run around crazy like I'm high all the time I just drank a fifth of Kool-Aid dare me to rhyme? this is Jaiq, Slim Shady look well sound alike I like to do drive bys and jump off my bike And then just stand there and get my ass shot up Now my soul can fly, maybe thats enough I'm a mainiac in a mermaid chat room this eleven-year-old don't know I made up this cartoon Not a pedophile I don't want this chick I only turn her on to make her parents sick I wrote this in the dark I wore out my glowing things And shoot myself to see what tomarrow brings Dreaming now of fire and brimstone the devil's been giving me 'shrooms so I'm blown