Hi, all. Although BGLanders work is generally pretty good, but we just couldn't resist MSTing this one. This is our first MST, so comments welcome at ceclkl@flash.net (Christine Case and Lawrence Lo) I don't own and TM or RedDwarf characters, I just love them. So don't sue me. ****************************************(Look at all the pretty stars) A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE OF RED DWARF (IF YOU'RE AMERICAN, GO CALL YOUR LOCAL PBS TV STATIONS AND HAND THEM YOUR CREDIT CARDS; IF YOU'RE A BRIT, YOU'RE ONE BLOODY LUCKY SMEGHEAD). It's cold outside; there's no kind of atmosphere I'm all alone, more or less Let me fly, far away from here Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose Drinking fresh mango juice Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun Fun, fun, fun, in the sun, sun, sun Red Dwarf is floating through the emptiness of space, and those beings on board are trying not to go insane. After having picked up a stray robotic cargo ship, stamped with the insignia of the Japanese Water Mining Corporation, Lister, (Ace) Rimmer, Kryten, the Cat, KOCHANSKI and Holly the computer settled in the Officers Lounge to study the uncovered artifacts. Mostly they found tape after tape of contraband anime fanfics, especially about the show Tenchi Muyo. After having watched the few real episodes, and then watching hours of these fanfics, our intrepid crew has started going insane. ***************************************************************** >PROLOUGE… LISTER: Cool, Luge, professional luge. I hope it's co-ed. I've always wanted to slide down a icy hill with a woman in a really right leotard. KOCHANSKI: Stuff it, already! RIMMER: No, no, it's the ProLouge party. I was a member of the AntiLouge party at school you know. LISTER: What the bloody hell is that supposed to be? Never heard of the Louge anyway. RIMMER: It just goes to show what an utter uneducated dolt you are, you smelly fool. LISTER: What the hell is it then! Lots Of Ugly Girls' Ex-boyfriends? KOCHANSKI rolls her eyes, still miffed about the lack of proper girl food. RIMMER: You wouldn't understand. It was Lots of Undervalued Gallic Existentialists. I hate the French. LISTER: What about your short pretty boy Napolean? RIMMER: Physical size doesn't matter, and he was Corsican, not French. CAT: Damnit, can we get back to the fanfic, pleease! I need my Ryoko fix. And when that Ryo-ohki miyaas....ye..haw. KOCHANSKI: You are sick man, sick. Why am I sitting here. Why am I here. Sniffle. HOLLY: I think there is a bug in my system, the fanfic has entered my holographic projector, and I can't hold on to the pause anymore, Its coming...... ALL: AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! >Blackness. It was a void deeper and darker than any that conventional >space and time could provide. CAT: Wohoo...I love deep voids...could bury myself in one anytime...this sounds interestin' KOCHANSKI: Black space, wonder where we have seen that before. >This however, was not conventional space and time. KRYTEN: Was it then unconventional space and time? LISTER: Yeah, it was space and time in fancy dress!! (drag for those who don't know British) >A figure appeared in the void. A woman clad in flowing robes and >marked with green stripes on her face. LISTER: Hey it's a baseball player! ALL: Go batter! Go batter! CAT: At least the robe looks good. Too monotone though. I would have given that some glitter and a heavy dose of fuchsia leopard spots just go with her zebra striped... KOCHANSKI attacks Cat choking him: I can't stand it! I can't stand it! >Behind her, the shadows of >others could be seen. KRYTEN: Wait a minute, isn't this a deep dark void? How can you see shadows in darkness? RIMMER: It's unconvential space and time, you outdated-version blockhead. Anything is possible. Even that old shrunken Leo DiCaprio getting lucky is possible in that void. LISTER: Hey maybe there's even some for you there, Rimmer. I mean it's so dark that nobody can see your sorry ass. RIMMER fumes holographically. >Suddenly, the space before the woman lit up, ALL: Let there be light. >revealing the images of >what looked like a family. LISTER: ...And a very scared deer, looking into the front torches... (that's headlights in British, folks) >The images of five women and three men >appeared. All were smiling and seemingly happy. LISTER: ...It's a menage-a-huit. KRYTEN: I didn't know you know French, sir. LISTER: It comes and goes, Kryten. KRACZINSKI: Stuff it, or I'll cut your locks off while you sleep. LISTER: I'll be good. (His fingers crossed) >The woman before the image frowned. > >"Come forth, Ronoken." The woman called out to the blackness. ALL MALES: Ooooh...Aaaaah....Coming dear.... KRACZINSKI screams, and starts pulling her hair: I can't take this anymore. Please, God, I pray that an extremely massive extrasolar asteroid laden with uranium crashes into the Red Dwarf right now! KRYTEN: If you wish to die, madam, there's the airlock. LISTER: Hey Kryten, when did you become so rude? KRYTEN: Sorry sir... LISTER: Don't be sorry, you're great! >The image of the happy family vanished as a being appeared where the >vision once stood. He was garbed completely in black robes. CAT: Eeeewwww....black....boring! Have some color, man! So many pretty colors. And cotton! Bleh! Use some imagination...or polyester. At least your lady friend has those cool stripes on her face. >His pale skin resembled chalk ALL: Get a tan! Get a tan! >and his eyes were as red as blood. "You >called, Lady Tokimi?" ALL: Visine gets the red out. RIMMER: Perhaps she went into Parliament. >Tokimi looked to her servant. "I have a task for you. This task is >very important to me, so of course it will mean your life if you fail." LISTER: Man, she's demanding. >"I never fail, my Lady." The man said as he bowed low. > >"A strong boast, Ronoken. Let us see if you can back your claims." ALL MALES: Galactic Viagra, only 200 credits a pill! KOCHANSKI: Not even that would work on you, you sorry excuses for men. CAT: Who you're calling a man? LISTER, leering: Want a free trial? KRACZINSKI: Just watch the fic damnit, monkey-boy. >The man bowed lower. "Tell me what it is you wish of me, and it shall be >done." HOLLY: "When you wish upon a star..." OTHERS: Gag HOLLY: "I wish for Belldandy..." OTHERS: Wrong anime! HOLLY: "I shall make a wish, my trusted genie..." OTHERS: Shut up, Holly. HOLLY: Sorry, somehow the word "wish" triggered a search of all literary works that include "wish" as a premise. Ohhh... I've got a headache now... >Tokimi smiled. Ronoken's cocky [...] CAT: Woohoo...some action! >[...] and brazen attitude would have cost anyone else his or her life. >However Tokimi knew of Ronoken's abilities and that he was not prone to >empty claims. He was good at his job, otherwise he'd be dead or >lobotomized by now. KOCHANSKI: If he was lobotomized, I wouldn't be sitting in this fic with these perverts pretending to be primitive primates. LISTER: Try saying that 10 times real fast. >"I want you to travel to Earth. ALL: Take us too! >There you will find my sisters and the ones they live with." > >"You want I should kill them, my Lady?" RIMMER: That's a Brooklyn mafia line, isn't it? >Tokimi frowned. "Don't be foolish! Their combined strength would be >more than enough to destroy you if you tried anything as brazen as >that! LISTER: I dunno...if you try anything brazen, Washu would probably like it. And I don't think Tsunami would get it. >No, your task will be to fetch me an avatar." CAT: A vat o' tar?!?!?! That would do a number on anyone's hair for sure. KRYTEN: According to my internal dictionary, an avatar is a Hindu concept of human forms that deities take to act on Earth. HOLLY: "I wish for Belldandy..." ALL: NOT AGAIN!!!!!!!! >Ronoken looked up. "An avatar, my Lady?" ALL: We just told you! >"Yes. The Masaki household is held together by love and trust. KRYTEN: I thought it was held together by suspicion and feuding. LISTER: That's probably love and trust in Rimmer's family. RIMMER: Watch it Lister, you smeghead. >Your job will be to recruit one of them for me. CAT: Ryoko! RIMMER: Ayeka! LISTER: Any real female! KRYTEN: Mihoshi! HOLLY: Washu, fix me! KOCHANSKI: Tenchi! ALL MALES look at KOCHANSKI KOCHANSKI: He seems like the only nice male in the universe. >I don't care which one. ALL: We do! >Once I have one >under my control, it will set off a chain reaction of hate and mistrust that >will bring their entire world crashing down. Eventually they will go their >separate ways, leaving the universe unguarded!" RIMMER: Unless they're stuck in a giant moving tin can in space. Lister, I just want you to know this. LISTER: What? RIMMER: I hate and mistrust you. LISTER: Thanks, mate. That's the nicest thing you've ever said about yourself. KRYTEN: I don't understand. There's already hate and mistrust. They manage to stay together. This wouldn't change anything. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Epsilon approaching zero. HOLLY: Kryten, you just burned out my math co-processor. KOCHANSKI: Smile and nod. >"I understand, my Lady. But how shall I mask my presence from them? Powers >or not, Washu's technology is advanced enough to detect me before I get within >a thousand miles of the Masaki shrine." >"Not to worry. My powers shall mask you. Go now, I shall be watching." With LISTER: What a voyeur. KOCHANSKI groans. >that, Tokimi vanished without a trace, as did the shadows behind her. >Ronoken rose, and with a wave of his hand changed his black robes to a black >Armani. "This will be too easy. My Lady shall be pleased, so swears >Ronoken!" CAT: Yuck, a black suit?!?!?! How about plush purple pink velour? >*** > >BGlanders presents… > >The Devil and Mr. Masaki > >Chapter 1: > >The Man in Black LISTER: Wasn't that a movie with that really cool rap song? [At this point the producers decided to do a musical number to boost the ratings, which was rehearsed and recorded with great moan and groan from the cast members. However, it was discovered later that Holly had accidentally interlaced the film of the musical number on top of an episode of "The Brady Bunch", and the result was irrepairable.] >*** > >All was quiet in the Masaki household. The clock on the microwave shined a >ghostly yellow 1:30 into the blackness of the kitchen. Upstairs, the girls >slept on their futons, dreaming away in their quiet little beds. LISTER: They're not always quiet, I betcha. >Tenchi slept in his room as the gentle summer breezes crept in through his >window. CAT: And that wasn't all that was trying to creep in thru' his window. >All was quiet in the house, and all was dark and peaceful. >All that is, except for the pale glow coming from the family room. LISTER: Cool...late night porno movies! >Nobuyuki sat in front of the TV staring but not really staring at the images >before him. LISTER: BoomChickaBowWow! KRYTEN: BoomChickaBowWow? LISTER: ChickaTickaChowChow! RIMMER: What are you doing? We can't order Chinese food here this far out in the middle of nowhere with me being a hologram, all of which is YOUR FAULT! KRYTEN: I believe, sir, you're speaking in the tongue of Cyrrrrrors of the planet Phiskit. LISTER: Come on guys, that's the intro to every porno scene ever filmed. KOCHANSKI pulling hair: I'm going to lose it. The pipe in my room was better company. Scerdilliage..or was it scerdunkle...nweezle...kurplec. >The TV showed the image of a young couple's wedding on a bright >summer day. Many cherry faces were there, ALL: CHERRY FACES?!?!?!?! KOCHANSKI: I wish I can have Cherries Jubilee on a cruise ship sailing to Fiji. LISTER: Don't tempt me. Cherry faces, aaccckkk! KRYTEN: That's bad sunburn to me. Third degree burns in front of a thermonuclear detonation. HOLLY: "Ataru Morobishi, you are cursed by Fate. You are going to....going to....going to....going...." ALL: WRONG ANIME! >but they paled compared to the >bride and groom's smiles. The camera then zoomed in on the young bride's ALL MALES: Breast, we want breast! KOCHANSKI gets up, takes a pipe, and knocks Kryten's head off. Sits down and sips her ultra-diet soda: I feel SOOOO much better. KRYTEN's body moves about listlessly, searching for his head. >face. ALL MALES: Damn! >A young, smiling angel filled the television's screen, her long black >hair almost touching the carpet of green grass at her feet. Nobuyuki looked >on as a tear formed in his eye. "Achika.." LISTER: Wow...Nobuyuki showing his soft side, for a whole 10 seconds. A miracle. No porno for us. But there maybe hope yet. >Suddenly Nobuyuki heard a creak coming from behind the couch. ALL: OH NO...Not the creak! >He wiped his >tear away and turned to find Washu standing behind him. "Oh, good evening, Little Washu. I'm sorry if the television woke you, I should probably shut it down and get to bed myself." LISTER: BoomChickaBowWow! RIMMER: Slap him! Slap him! LISTER: He hasn't done anything yet. RIMMER: Ever heard of a preemptive strike, you militarily-challenged dimwit. >As he started to rise, Washu put her hand out ALL MALES: YEAH! COME ON! GO FOR IT! LET'S GO BABY! LISTER: Go Washu! Go Washu! Flex those keyboard-weary fingers! KOCHANSKI groans. LISTER: Hey, Washu wants a sample. (LISTER turns to look at KOCHANSKI.) I remember not long ago you wanted a sample from me. (Grins evilly) KOCHANSKI fondles her pipe. LISTER gulps. >and motioned for him to stop. ALL MALES: DAMN! LISTER: What the shmeg? Are we going to see any ACTION? RIMMER: I'm sure you won't, Lister. Not in your miserable lifetime. >"That's all right, Nobuyuki, I shouldn't have >snuck up on you." Nobuyuki shut the TV off and stood. "Say, since we're both >up, do you want to ALL MALES: Let's get it on! >have some tea? ALL MALES: BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! KRYTEN(having found his head): I believe that Nobiyuki has been out of character for some time. >I think Sasami left some in the fridge." KOCHANSKI: Yuck...cold green tea. That stuff is vile when it's cold. This person has never been to Japan. >Washu and Nobuyuki sat in the kitchen, sipping tea and enjoying the warm >summer air wafting through the open front door. LISTER: They leave their door open? A bunch of nubile women alone out in the wilderness with THEIR DOOR OPEN? This sounds like a bad horror movie. Although there might be a lot of NUDITY! >"Ah, its so peaceful out here >this time of night. It's kind of hard to believe that this place is a regular >battlefield during the day." Washu nodded in agreement and sipped her tea. KOCHANSKI shuddered. >"Yes, when the girl's are asleep it's rather peaceful around here." KRYTEN: "Girl's?" Does that mean that only one of the girls is asleep? LISTER: Yeah, Sasami. The others are all attempting plots to get into Tenchi's pants. >Nobuyuki sighed. "Yeah, almost too peaceful." CAT: Please get to the sex part....I dyyyyyyyin' here. >Washu looked to Nobuyuki with a concerned look in her eyes. RIMMER: Well, he hasn't been in character in ages, he's probably dying! Or he's an evil clone!!!!! LISTER: Rimmer, I think you were far too fond of Mayuka for your own good. >Nobuyuki took her hand and smiled. RIMMER: SLAP HIM SLAP HIM! LISTER: Do you know how much I want to slap you right now? >"Oh, I know what you're thinking. KRYTEN (as Washu): This is all some plot to get me into bed! LISTER hits Kryten on the back: Good one man! >It's just that these summer nights remind >me of her so very much. We used to go out to the lake, sit on the grass and >dream about the rest of our lives. We'd stay out for hours just staring up at >the moon and the stars… I remember those nights so clearly, it's like they >only happened yesterday. I know she died a long time ago and yes I've moved >on, but on nights like these, I find myself missing her more than ever." HOLLY begin playing bad violin music in the background. KOCHANSKI and KRYTEN sniffle. LISTER, RIMMER and the CAT all look green, as though they are about to throw up. >Washu smiled at the architect. "You loved her a lot, didn't you?" Nobuyuki >smiled and nodded. "She was my life, my entire world. Then Tenchi was born >and my world suddenly became so much bigger and brighter. LISTER: I'M BLIND, it too bright...too bright. >We had so many plans, so many dreams…" The violin music gets louder, drowning out the sound of male suffering. KOCHANSKI smiles in bliss at their suffering. >Nobuyuki wiped away a tear and sipped his tea. "Sasami does make some good tea." KOCHANSKI proceeded to gag at the thought of that horrible tea. >Washu wasn't thrown by the obvious attempt to change the subject. >"Nobuyuki, listen to me. Your world is still here. You've got Tenchi and now >a house full of people who depend on you and love you. We're all family now >and nothing can change that. Do you think that we all haven't lost someone we >love? A husband? A lover? A child?" KRYTEN begins to wail pitiously. >Washu's voice began to crack as she forced the tears back into her skull. All: OUCH!!!!!!!! >"When we can take our losses and move forward, when we can look to tomorrow >and find a reason to wake up in the morning, then we know that we're not >alone. We know that the reason we want to live is because we still have >people here that we care about." HOLLY begin to play "YOu'll Nev-VER Walk AAAALLLOOONNNNEEEEE!" LISTER: No musicals today Holly, we can only take so much. HOLLY: Sorry LISTER, another bug. A moth this time. I need Skuld. ALL: WRONG ANIME! LISTER: I'm not sure I can take much more of this.... >Nobuyuki smiled and looked down at his tea, then into Washu's eyes. "Thank >you, Little Washu. I needed that more than you know." He stood, put his cup >in the sink and started to leave. KOCHANSKI: Yet another man who does not do the dishes. >At the door, he stopped and turned to Washu. "If you ever feel like LISTER: .....you want a sample out of someone... >talking.." LISTER: OH man >Washu smiled. "You'll be the first person I look for." Nobuyuki returned >the smile and headed for his room. As soon as he was gone, Washu put her >head in her hands and sobbed until she ran out of tears. KRYTEN: OH BOOOHOHOHOHOHOH OTHER: CAN IT KRYTEN! >*** >It was a beautiful morning HOLLY's speakers begin to blare: "It's a beautiful morning.........I wanna go outside.... ALL: OFF TURN IT OFF >as the sun shone on the Masaki fields. In the >middle of the fields stood Tenchi, doing his daily chores of mending and >tending the family garden. It was a hot, sticky, CAT: Oh, I like it hot and sticky!! Woohoo >muggy and all around miserable job, but Tenchi didn't really mind. He had >always figured his chores in the fields were either to focus his mind and >body and master LISTER: BATE! >patience ALL: DAMN! >or some sick practical joke by his Grandfather. He had always tried >to tell himself that it was the former and nothing more, but on days like this >Tenchi began to question the latter. KRYTEN: Did he question the ladder? How does one question the latter? Does that mean that he thought that it was that his grandfather was playing a sick practical joke or not? It...does...not ...make...sense! LISTER: Calm down. We don't have that many new heads for you. >"Need a break?" A voice asked from behind. Tenchi whirled around, his hoe in >a defensive position in front of him. CAT: His ho? This boy can afford a prostitute? No wonder he's hot and sticky. KRYTEN: Not ho, hoe. LISTER: Don't try and be Santa Claus. CAT: A ho is a ho, and since that's not Ryoko, our boy is just dumb! >Before him stood a pale man dressed in a black business suit holding a cup of >clear, inviting liquid. Tenchi's eyes turned to the icy cool glass of water >the stranger now held out. "Here, have some. You look like you could use it." CAT: Must be the pimp. Now he's trying to sell him drugs. >Tenchi eyed the stranger for a moment, then shook his head. "No thanks, I've >got some water right here." He tapped the hot, tiny flask that lay beside >the bucket of sticky weeds LISTER: Hot flask and sticky weeds...hehehe.... CAT: Weeds? Maybe he's growin' his own drugs! Wait, anybody seen my catnip? >he had been pulling for the past two hours. LISTER: That boy has stamina. KOCHANSKI: Which is more than I can say for you. LISTER: Ouch, low blow. RIMMER: I knew it, I knew it! >"Ah, I see. Well then take a break anyway." The pale man then drank up every >last icy cool drop of fluid as Tenchi's mouth started to water. KRYTEN: If he was dehydrated, how can his mouth water? > "Uh, say, who are you? Are you here to see Grandpa?" Tenchi lowered his hoe CAT: He hadn't put her down yet? >but still clutched it, just in case. CAT: Meeerrrrrrrrooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww. KOCHANSKI beats CAT on the head with her trusty rusty pipe. It doesn't make a dent. CAt: Watch the hair!!! >"In time, my boy, in time. Right now I'm here to see you." KRYTEN: Boomchickabowwow? ALL: YUCK! >"Me? What do you need to see me for?" The man before Tenchi sat down on the >dirt CAT: That suit may be black, but it doesn't deserve treatment like that! >and set his glass to the side. "Because I've watched you Tenchi. I >watched when your mother died. I watched when they put your grandmother in the >ground. I watched as you were denied a normal life by forces out of your >control. LISTER: I've watched you turn down thousands of chances to get laid! RIMMER: I've watched you throw away your chance to be EMPEROR! CAT: I've watched you make poor wardrobe choices, although I like those wings. KOCHANSKI: I've watched enough already!! Shut up you cretins! >I've watched all this and so much more. I've seen all the torment >you've had to go through, and now I'm here to give you a reward, my little >crown prince of Jurai." LISTER: Here little crown princey, here little prince... CAT responds with a: MEOWWWWWWWWWW LISTER immediately shuts up. >Tenchi staggered at the man's words. He fell to the ground, catching himself >on his hoe. LISTER: Again? CAT: That boy is almost as good as me! RIMMER: Where have all the women gone? KOCHANSKI flings her pipe at Rimmer, but it passes though. Rimmer sticks out his tongue. RIMMER: NAHNANAHNANAH >"How.. how did you know all that?" The man smiled. "I'm sorry, >where are my manners? My name is Mr. Monis. I'm very pleased to meet you Mr. >Masaki." The man in black extended his right hand. Tenchi, still in a >partial daze, shook it. Suddenly the red alert klaxon started to blast. Holly appeared, holding her head. HOLLY: There is an unidentified evil looking ship bearing down on Red Dwarf starboard side, or is that port? LISTER: Let's see Holly. A visual appeared of a Shadow Cruiser (B5). An evil looking ship, a cross between a steel icepick and a spider. HOLLY: They are hailing us! A very well dressed and unsettling looking man appears on the viewscreen. CAT: Finally...someone with taste! LISTER: Who are you? MORDEN: Don't ask me that, ever! I came to defend myself. This fanfic includes a warning button alerting me to its activation. Monis is a bad imitiation of me. I must join you in debasing him. RIMMER: Morden? Is it really Morden? LISTER: Well, we would welcome company. Come on in! A tentacle comes out out the Shadow vessel and links up with one of Red Dwarf's airlocks. Soon Morden is with them in the Officers Lounge, and takes a seat. RIMMER: ASK ME WHAT I WANT, please Mr. Morden, please? MORDEN: No. RIMMER: Pretty please! MORDEN giving Rimmer a look to chill the fires of the sun: NO! RIMMER, defeated, asks: WHY NOT? MORDEN: You are of no use to us. LISTER: Or to anyone! >"Now that we're intimate friends, let's get down to brass tacks, as it were." >Mr. Monis cracked his knuckles. MORDEN: Very unprofessional. >"Tenchi, I'm here to offer you something very special. I'm here to offer you >a wish. Any wish you can possibly think of I can supply with a snap of my >fingers. CAT: Wish for sex, wish for some tail!!!! MORDEN: I don't snap. I don't need to. >I give you this only because I know what you've gone through and that even >you deserve some ray of happiness in your life." > >Tenchi sat back and thought about it. A wish? Any wish? What does one wish >for? CAT: Clothes! LISTER: SEX! RIMMER: Power! KRYTEN: Silicon Heaven. HOLLY: A brain. MORDEN: A soul. KOCHANSKI: Some cottage cheese with pineapple chunks. All turn and look...they shake their heads. >In all of reality, what could one really wish for? A million things >raced through Tenchi's mind. Through them all, one word raced to the top. CAT: Clothes! LISTER: SEX! RIMMER:Power! KRYTEN: Silicon Heaven. HOLLY: A brain. MORDEN: A soul. KOCHANSKI: A good chunk of gruyere and some cavier with mint sauce. All turn and look...they shake their heads. >Mother. ALL: Oh MAN.......What a dope. >The image of the Lady Achika appeared in his mind. Her smiling face and shiny >eyes became as clear as crystal. He could still hear her voice, feel her >touch against his skin… CAT: I can think of others whose skin I'd rather touch. >"Tenchi." A voice cut through the illusion. Tenchi suddenly snapped awake. >He hadn't just thought about his mother, he had actually seen her before him. >Now all he saw was Mr. Monis sitting inches away from his face. "I can bring >her back to you, and all you have to do is say yes. Say yes, Tenchi, and all >your wildest dreams will come true." LISTER: If his mother is his wildest dream, that kid is sick man sick! MORDEN: I could have done all this with four words, just four little words. >Tenchi started to open his mouth. His lips started to form the word 'yes'. KRYTEN: I don't believe it is necessary to open your mouth or move your lips to say yes..is it? LISTER: EXTREME SLOW MOTION...Mick Jagger quivering lips. >Then he stopped. LISTER: He always stops at the worst times. >Tenchi suddenly remembered a practice session with his grandfather many years >ago… ALL: CHEAP FLASH BACK! >*** > >"Tenchi, keep your eyes focused on me! How do you expect to survive if you >can't even watch who you're sparring with?" > >Tenchi was rubbing his head from where Grandpa's practice sword had hit him. KRYTEN: Child abuse! RIMMER: Oh come on, my dad was a lot worse, oops. LISTER: That explains a lot. >Yosho stood with his arms crossed waiting for his grandson to recover from his >well-placed blow. Tenchi then threw his sword on the ground and sat pouting. KRYTEN: But no one knows he's Yosho. Shouldn't that be Katsuhito? LISTER: Does Tenchi pout? I don't think he pouts much. >"Tenchi, why have you dropped your sword? Do you think practice is over?" >Tenchi didn't answer, he just kept boring his eyes into the ground with a >scowl on his face. KRYTEN: Are his eyes bored or is he boring into the ground with his eyes? OTHERS: OUCH! CAT: Or boring into his ho. KOCHANSKI slaps CAT: That's hoe! CAT: WHHHATTT?!? >Yosho sighed and set his own sword on the ground. He walked over to Tenchi >and sat by his side. "It's about mother, isn't it?" KRYTEN: Whose mother? Yosho's? That Funaho. Tenchi's? That's not Yosho's mother, that's his daughter! CAT: Yosho's mother is a fun ho? OTHERS: AHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 >Tenchi just continued to stare straight ahead. Yosho knew instantly that >Achika's death was still gnawing on Tenchi's soul even after two years, he >still didn't understand why his mom had gone away and never came back. LISTER: Two years? What is he, like 8? Of course he doesn't understand! >Yosho put his arm around Tenchi's shoulder. > >"Tenchi," Yosho's voice was now soft and soothing. "I know that your mother >died very suddenly and that it hurt you very much. It hurt your father and I >as well, but she's gone now and all the tears we shed won't bring her back." KRYTEN start to tear up again. >Tenchi pounded his tiny fist into the dirt. "It's not fair! She wasn't >supposed to die! She was always supposed to be around forever!" Tenchi was >now sobbing and shaking. "If she really loved us, she wouldn't have died in >the first place!" LISTER: Mean little kid, wasn't he? MORDEN: You don't know the meaning of mean. >Yosho hugged his grandson tight and rocked him back and forth. "Now Tenchi, >sometimes things like this happen. No one knows why they do, and no one >thinks they're fair, but they do happen. We can cry and pout about it for the >rest of our lives, or we can draw strength from it and try to move on." KRYTEN begins to wail. Others raise there eyes to the ceiling and try not to listen. >"How am I supposed to do that? And why? Why does it have to be like that? >It's just not fair!" > >"Shh, Tenchi. You're right. It's not fair and it's not easy. It's probably >the most horrible thing a child can go through in life. I'm sorry that you >had to loose her, and I miss her every day, but your mother didn't choose to >go. She was very ill, Tenchi. She loved you very much and would have done >everything in her power to stay with you, but her body was just too weak to >hold all the love she had inside of her. LISTER: Ahhh man, I think I'm gunna puke! >Tenchi she loved you more than life itself and would have done everything she >could have to make you happy." > >Tenchi's sobbing had slowed and now he was mostly sniffling and leaning >against Yosho for support. Yosho continued to cradle his grandson. >"Grandpa?" > >"Yes Tenchi?" > >"Where do you think mom is right now?" > >"I think she's watching over us right now." LISTER loses it. The cleaning bots approach to clean up the mess. Even MORDEN looks green. MORDEN: What do you eat man? LISTER, sickly: Curry, lots of curry, with jalapeno chutney. CAT: I really did not want to KNOW what that looked like on the way back up! >Tenchi's eyes brightened. "You do?" > >Yosho smiled and nodded. "Yep. In fact, I know she is. And I know she >wouldn't want you to be sad about her passing. I know that she would want you >to move on with your life and get the most out of it." > >"But grandpa, I don't want to forget mom…" > >"Tenchi," Yosho smiled again at his only grandchild, "Moving past someone's >death doesn't mean you forget about them, it simply means you still try to >enjoy life, because that's what the departed would want most from us." KRYTEN maintains his wailing. HOLLY begins the violin music again. KOCHANSKI hefts her pipe, trying to decide between Holly's speakers and Kryten's dented head. >Tenchi smiled then and hugged Yosho. "Thanks grandpa." Yosho grinned and >hugged his grandson back. "Any time Tenchi. Now let's head back to the house >and get some lunch." CAT: Whose cookin' anyway? >"But what about practice?" > >Yosho picked his grandson up and but him on his shoulders. KRYTEN: But him on his shoulders? What doen that mean? LISTER: I don't want to know. Ask Rimmer. RIMMER fumes holographically: Smeg you. >"I think we've >learned enough for one day. Come on, let's get something to eat, I'm >starving!" > >*** > >"I'm sorry, Mr. Monis, MORDEN: I hate that name. Too commercial. I am not a salesman. I find the evil already there. >but what I want you just can't give me. I've learned >to accept my mother's passing and to get on with my life. I still miss her, >but I'm not about to change my whole world for a wish." ALL: We will we will! MORDEN: Too bad none of you are exploitable. >Monis lost his smile as what Tenchi said sunk in. MORDEN: Never lose your smile, its what most unnerves people. >"You don't have to wish for you mother. Why, you could wish for just about >anything…" CAT: Clothes! LISTER: SEX! RIMMER: Power! KRYTEN: Silicon Heaven. HOLLY: A brain. MORDEN: A soul. KOCHANSKI: No gym shoes in the fridge. All turn and look...they shake their heads. >"No!" ALL: DAMN! >Tenchi leapt to his feet. "Grandfather taught me that everything comes >at a price! What you have to give is a fantasy, an illusion that I don't >want! Get away from me demon!" MORDEN: Geez, this guy lets all the secrets out. He is definitely banned from the Professional Temptation Practioners Conference this year. >Mr. Monis stood, brushing the dirt from his black Armani. CAT: You have got to be kidding, that thing is dry clean only! LISTER: For you Cat, that's licking. CAT snarls. MORDEN: Dirt is not our style. Bad form, very bad. >"Very well, Mr. Masaki. I'm sorry to have disturbed your little weeding job. >I'll be going now. You just stay here in your field of dirt and tend your >little carrots. CAT: And your ho! KOCHANSKI is ready to start a catfight, but realizing this is a rreal cat, she restrains herself. >I could've given you the world today, Tenchi Masaki. All you had to do was >say 'yes'." MORDEN: We do not pout. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Rubbing it in doesn't help. >In a flash of light and a whirlwind of sound, MORDEN: Thats the Vorlons, not us! >Mr. Monis vanished as suddenly as he had appeared, leaving Tenchi standing in >the dirt, shaking and sobbing RIMMER: WIMP! LISTER: Look who's talking. >in fury and despair. > >"It's not fair, it's not…" KRYTEN: What not fair? That doesn't fit. It make no...sense...no..ense..no...KRYTEN's head whirls around, exorcist style, and explodes. LISTER: DAMN, that's the third one this week! >With that, Tenchi dropped to his knees and passed out. > >*** > >The man in black floated in orbit as a voice called to him from across the >void, tossing all known physics about sound in a vacuum right down the shoot. LISTER: Hope it's not a collect call! >"Ronoken, you have failed me." ALL: Failure failure! MORDEN: You can say that again! ALL: Failure Failure! >"Nay, my Lady," the man in black said, "That was merely a warm-up. CAT: I hate aerobics! KOCHANSKI: AEROBICS! Where? >I figured if I could push him that close to the edge, the others should fall >like a house of cards. Have faith in me, my Lady. I shall not fail you." > >"See that you don't, Ronoken, or I shall disperse your atoms to the four >winds." HOLLY: What winds? Solar? Cosmic? I don't think we have four winds out here, do we? >With that, the presence vanished from the man in black's mind. LISTER: Wait, was it in his mind, or across the void? I think that if I were Kryten, my head would explode too. RIMMER: Maybe it already has, you dumb twit! >"As you wish, my Lady," He mumbled as he turned his attention to his next >target in the Masaki household. MORDEN: Don't mumble! >*** > >Yowza! CAT: Yowza? > I'm doing another series! ALL: Oh NO, Save us! >This is a slightly revised and re-posted >edition of chapter 1 before I put out chapter 2. RIMMER: This was the revised version. I don't want to think about the draft before this. ALL shudder. > Now that Gentle Sound of Thunder is DONE, I can focus on this little diddy. LISTER: What the smeg's a diddy? Does he mean ditty? Or does he mean a piece of... RIMMER: Don't even go there. >Thanks all… > >Tenchi and Co belong to AiC and Pioneer > >The Man in Black really belongs to Johnny Cash, but I'm using it for my own >screwed up characters, so just deal with it. ^_^ CAT: No Ryoko...no Ryo-ohki. Not one miyaaa....Gimme my money back. I feel cheated! LISTER: Phew...I guess we should take a break. MORDEN: You got coffee? LISTER: Yeah.... MORDEN: This is as close to heaven as I'll get. You don't know what it is to live without coffee for 3 million years. LISTER: I thought you're going to leave. MORDEN: But there are more episodes to come. HOLLY: And I'm still stuck on Play. And all the monitors on the ship are playing the fic. ALL (including the remains of KRYTEN): Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........... ************************************************************************ Well, if we get no death threats, the next episode is soon to come.