Author's note/Disclaimer: This is an MST. All names, concepts, references, and indicia thereof used herein are property of their respective owners. I hope that's enough of a catch-all to say that I acknowledge the hard work people did to make the characters I am borrowing. Yadda yadda yadda, please don't sue. The only things I claim for my own are Newjersey Silverwolf and the work I did on the MST. I make no profit on this, this is just for fun. Thanks to Best Brains for popularizing the MST3K concept, and thanks for not suing the millions of fans who use it in humorous writing. Query> IS IT FEASIBLE TO TEST A NEW GROUP OF MSTERS WITH A PROSE-TYPE MST, AS OPPOSED TO A SCRIPT TYPE? MAGI DELIBERATING........DONE. MELCHIOR: Affirmative. BALTHAZAR: What was the question? CASPER: Who cares? RESULT: 3-0 FOR SUBJECTING THE MSTERS TO MORE OF THE WORST SELF-INSERTION EVER CONCOCTED. BALTHAZAR: Hey, I didn't get to decide yet! CASPER: There needs to be an abstain/undecided variable in here somewhere... MISSION LOG #8: "LEMON FIGHTERS: THE BEST IN THE BIZ" NERV TOP SECRET HEY, I SAW THAT, DON'T YOU GO SNEAKING THIS OFF TO THE ENQUIRER. BALTHAZAR: NERV-MST Episode 8, reeeeeeeel one! OPENING THEME v.0.1 (To the MST3K theme song) In the not-distant-enough future, Post Third-Impact A.D., The Event Horizon ripped a hole Across causality. A secret group by the name of NERV Tried to find what purpose the hole could serve... Well, the Fourth Impact left them alive, So they had to seal the hole up before Impact number Five! (OH...NOT AGAIN!!!) RITSUKO: I'll test a group with fanfics! The oddest I can find! (la la la) They'll watch them while I monitor Their sync ratios and minds! (la la la) Now keep in mind the mission fails If the world happens to end, But the crew just doesn't know why NERV Has to rearrange their friends... Current Roll Call! SHINJI! ("I mustn't run away...") RYOOOOOOOOOKO! (Space Pirate!) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, Well Ritsuko knows the facts. But if you're looking for NERV's MST, Then have a seat and just relax! For NERV's latest conspiracy...Causality! In our last exciting episode, the MSTers were nearly thwarted by the horrendous SI of Adam Richmond. Yet, they persevered, and survived. However, to avoid post-traumatic stress, many of them left NERV for their home worlds, some on some long-deserved vacation time, and others because...well...they weren't supposed to be here anyway. This left only two MSTers behind, Shinji Ikari, and Ryoko. The scene opens on Shinji, who is in the NERV cafeteria, wearing a plug suit, head on the table, with a wall of beer cans around him. Enter Misato. MISATO: Shinji? SHINJI: Leave me alone... MISATO: Come on, Shinji, it can't be that bad. SHINJI: It's worse. I'm still here, still doing MST's. Even going out in Eva-01 would have been better than this. I can't take another one of those damned fics! MISATO: Shinji, if you drink yourself to death, where does that leave the world? SHINJI: About the same place it'd be if the fics kill me first. Misato picks up a can and examines it. MISATO: Shinji, are you aware that this is non-alcoholic beer? Pause. SHINJI: No wonder it was taking so long. MISATO: Get up, Shinji. You need to help train some of the new MSTers. We need a backup crew. We can't run without six people in the Entry Theater. SHINJI: Lack of training never stopped you before. MISATO: Well Ritsuko authorized training since it seems the Angels gave us a break. Just then, Ryoko phases through the tabletop, wearing the same seductive black dress she wore on her date with Tenchi in Shin Tenchi, her hair tied back in a ponytail. RYOKO: Shinji, what is all this? SHINJI: Nothing, Grandma. MISATO: You're still trying to milk NERV for all it's worth with that, aren't you? RYOKO: MSTing "Ryoko's Love" wasn't my choice, Misato. Too bad I couldn't find anything that didn't look like it came from my Shin Tenchi incarnation. Oh, I can't wait to see Tenchi... Misato starts to say something, but Ryoko teleports out. SHINJI: Why couldn't you have just put Harry in there and given me a break? He's also had a lot of experience in the Entry Theater. MISATO: Well...he's kind of made himself very scarce. Elsewhere in Nerv, Harry Potter, under his invisibility cloak, wanders the halls. HARRY: Heh heh heh...let them try to find me. Now where the hell is the bathroom around here?! A few minutes later in the briefing room, Shinji is sitting by the table, looking murderous at his father, Gendo. Gendo still has his hands up in front of his face. Also around the table are Misato Katsuragi, Ritsuko Akagi, and Ryoko. Ryoko is nursing a Martini, looking mildly depressed. RITSUKO: ...well, Ryoko, if you bothered to check your E-mail, you would have known Tenchi's not coming until later! RYOKO: I don't have an E-mail account here. RITSUKO: Well of course not, you haven't been on a computer since you got here! RYOKO: Actually I have, but every time I've tried, the computer gives me the "Access Denied" message. RITSUKO: You were trying to access the top secret NERV data? RYOKO: No, I was trying to use the "on" switch. RITSUKO: Oh...well you need the password to turn the computer on. RYOKO: How do you enter the password into a computer that's turned off? MISATO: If you can't figure that out, we're not going to tell you. RYOKO: And what is the password just to use the computer? GENDO: That's top secret information. RYOKO: Then how am I supposed to get my E-mail? SHINJI: Grandma, give it up, the location of each bathroom in this place is considered "top secret information." GENDO: Dr. Akagi, what is the nature of this meeting? RITSUKO: Ah, yes. Well, the problem we now face is one of a missing crew. We're down to 1/3 of the minimal personnel needed for the Entry Theater. SHINJI: Wait a minute...what about Lina? She's still here at NERV! And what about Celcia? During the MST of "Ryoko's Love," we kind of stuck her in an entry plug and forgot about her! And there's Harry... MISATO: Though you're right, we do have veteran crew members on hand, we need more active crew sooner. We need a larger pool of MST candidates for these runs. That means one male veteran, one female veteran, and four recruits. Shinji, Ryoko, I don't have to tell you what parts you play. SHINJI: Yes Ma'am. RITSUKO: Fortunately, one of our raids on the causality hole produced success. We couldn't get one entirely green candidate, but they are young enough to train early. Riiya, would you come in please? Enter a familliar-looking blue-haired boy, wearing a plug suit with an ornate bracelet above the sealing switch. This is a veteran of one MST, Riiya. RIIYA: I can't believe I'm doing this again. You're not going to get me smashed, are you? I had a hangover the last time that felt like grandpa thumped me on the head. Oh...hi Shinji. MISATO: Chacha, would you come in now, please? Chacha, the title character of Akazukin Chacha, enters the room wearing a red plug hood. Beyond the plug hood, she is everything we expect of the familliar pun-making witch, down to the amulet at her neck. CHACHA: Riiya? Riiya, what are you doing here? RIIYA: Well you're the only reason I came back, it's because they brought you here too. I think this place is some kind of fortress of evil magic monsters. RYOKO: Says the boy who can stop a progressive knife with his bare hands... MISATO: Now, finally, we have Shiine-chan... RIIYA: You brought HIM too?! Shiine enters the room, wearing a set of plug robes, similar to what Harry usually wore. On his finger, he has a rather ornate ring. SHIINE: What's going on? I thought we were all looking for the phoenix sword! CHACHA: Yeah...why are we here? The Evil Magic lord is threatening the kingdom! MISATO: I think we're short one MSTer. RITSUKO: Well, we won't be momentarily. Watch. For a minute, there's no reaction. Then the water in the pot starts to ripple, and suddenly it spews up a young girl with ovoid markings on her face, one on her forehead, and one under each eye. SKULD: Ow! Hot! Hot! RITSUKO: Filling in the sixth seat is Skuld, goddess of the future, license classification second class, type one (limited). She's here with us as part of... ah yes. "Aggressor Training." Also her goddess powers may come in useful if things turn nasty, as we are currently analyzing the sword of Titania. SKULD: Why do I have to be here to do this... Wow, cool! RYOKO: Wait a minute..."Goddess Powers?" I thought she hadn't grown into them yet in the anime. MISATO: fourth wall SKULD: What...oh, no, I'm Manga Skuld. RYOKO: Oh...just like I'm OAV Ryoko. So what can you do? SKULD: Watch! Skuld launches an energy burst at Gendo, who hardly flinches. When the light fades, the word "creepy" is etched across Gendo's face and gloves. SKULD: Cool, huh? SHINJI: I guess it's a start. GENDO: Skuld, remove this please. Then I want all of you in the theater. Half an hour later, the MSTers file into the entry theater. Skuld is now dressed in a plug suit, with the ovoid markings on the hands and feet. The suit has myriad pockets, each containing tools. She carries the familliar bug-busting hammer. SHINJI: All right...this is an MST3K, short for "Mystery Science Theater 3000," which is the name of the original 20th century television program famous for propogating this concept. Our job is to watch bad fanfics and criticize, slander, and threaten the author, or "rant;" and to make offhand humorous comments on the material, or "riff." CHACHA: Is that all? SKULD: I thought this would be a challenge. RYOKO: I don't think they'll hit you with a hell fic quite yet, seeing as half of us are previously unexposed. Oh...by the way, this is an "Entry Theater," so we'll be MSTing while in a liquid medium. SHIINE: What? RIIYA: Remember when I told you I had to drown in stuff before I could breathe? That's what this place is for. Outside, in the control room... GENDO: Fuyutski. FUYUTSKI: Yes? GENDO: That boy has been revealing classified information. FUYUTSKI: Yes but we can't necessarily have him killed, he's an MSTer. We're having more trouble finding them at short notice. GENDO: Damn. Back in the entry theater, the MSTers, with some difficulty (owing to the fact that Riiya and Shiine both want to sit next to Chacha) take their seats. The seating order is: Skuld, Shiine, Chacha, Riiya, Ryoko, Shinji. Watching in the control block in Central Dogma is Ritsuko, Misato, Maya, Shigeru, and Makato. SHINJI: You'll feel some nausea the first time breathing LCL, it'll pass. CHACHA: Riiya, I'm SCARED! RIIYA: Gack! Chacha...can't breathe... MAYA: Filling the Entry Theater... The theatre begins to fill up with the amber LCL. SHIINE: Oh god, this is it... CHACHA: We're going to die! I can't swim! SKULD: You're not going to die, it's breathable! After the requisite episode of first-time panic, the MSTers settle down into their usual seats. RITSUKO: Commence activation. MAKATO: Power supply connected. MAYA: Commence activation system. SHIGERU: Initiating first-stage connections. MAYA: Voltage climbing to border-line. SHIGERU: Initiating second-stage connections. MAKATO: Theater has activated. MISATO: LAUNCH! >Disclaimer: Hello and welcome to the official boring dribbly bit. SHIINE: Is he talking about the fic? RYOKO: No...this is the disclaimer. The legalese that says, quite simply, "don't sue me." >First off I >don't own anyone in this fic apart from the character Agent Grey. Every Manga- >related thing in here doesn't belong to me at all but I'm borrowing it all >just for laughs. SKULD: Didn't the MST author write something like this at the top? MISATO: Fourth wall! Please! SKULD: What do you expect? I am a goddess! >Also, the writing ('Cept for the fics that are kindly donated >to this cause) belongs to me. Please do NOT distribute this for cash without >the author's permission. RIIYA: Psst...hey, kid, wanna buy some fanfic? First one's free... >*Warning* this is a self-insertion fic, meaning that RYOKO: Grandson of mine, please, no hentai comments... SHINJI: I think that one speaks for itself. >I'm in it. (Ducks as a few tomatoes and loud booing is thrown in his >direction.) CHACHA: How do you throw a sound? SHIINE: I don't think it's possible. Usually you throw physical objects. SKULD: Hmmm... Skuld takes a PDA out of one of her pockets and starts designing something...and she is finished rather quickly. SKULD: The Skuld Sonic Catapault Mark One! >But this is supposed to be just for laughs anyway so I don't care. >It will hopefully contain everyone I know in Tenchi ff and a few other chat >rooms eventually, SHINJI: Hey Newjersey, sound familliar...oh wait. He's not here. >but this is just kinda like a pilot episode SHIINE: In other words, a first draft. >so I can see >where I can go with this. This is something I thought up as an alternative to >the normal MST's. CHACHA: So we're doing an MST of an MST? This is confusing... >Many parts of the story do not belong to me and the true >owners will be mentioned at the end after I decide what goes in or not. RIIYA: Oh just admit you're making it up as you go along. >This >idea came around when I thought how badly some characters in MST's are shown >wanting to stop lemons from happening, SHINJI: What do you mean, "badly shown?" If you want to stop a lemon, an Eva is a great way to do it! >so what if a certain group did stop >them? RYOKO: Then maybe we wouldn't have to deal with Leaf-Chan or Tank Cop! You know, I'm wondering why NERV doesn't try to attack those Lemon authors instead of the fics...we could get them at their source. RITSUKO: Yes, but this is more fun! RIIYA, RYOKO, SHINJI: FOR WHO?! >Well I think it'll be fun and if insult anyone I'd like to say I'm sorry >now...but of course we all know that would be a bald faced lie. SHIINE: Now that's a malaprop almost worthy of Chacha. CHACHA: Bald-faced? But I like cushy and fuzzy! Riiya changes to wolf form with a *pop.* CHACHA: RIIYA KAWAII! > ON WITH THE >FIC! > >P.S. This starts off in the fanfic 'magical pretty taboo' (but 'tis neither >magical nor pretty) and was written by H_pinoy. Thanks for letting me ridicule >this. SKULD: You mean he actually wrote and asked permission to do this? RYOKO: Well we had to send the "Ryoko's Love" mission log to the author before we put it to the server. SHINJI: But that was a *good* fic! We haven't even started into this one. > > > >In the middle of space and time, this is where most stations that are at least >respectable in the galaxy are placed. SKULD: Isn't that assuming a lot of physics? Or assuming that at the exact center of the universe has a galaxy, rather than just deep void? CHACHA: Isn't that a bit too over our readers' heads? RYOKO: Most respectable stations in the Milky Way Galaxy are placed somewhere near Jurai, or in the Northern spiral arm about halfway between the center and the outer rim. SKULD: Isn't the GP starbase located near the center? RYOKO: I said "respectable." SHINJI: Ouch. >Hundreds of stories say so. But the >station we are looking at is not very respectable at all, so instead of being >in the middle of time and space...it's just to the left to it. SHIINE: This sounds very Douglas Adams. >It is also in- >between two moons that shouldn't exist, but do so as to hide this embarrassing >mistake from the rest of the universe. RIIYA: Oops. Guess the artist misplaced a planet or two...we'll cover that up in the editing. CHACHA: Riiya, this doesn't sound like you! SHINJI: Chacha...this is an MST. If you need to break out of the restraints of character to make a rant or riff, then do it. CHACHA: Restraints of what? RIIYA: Just watch what I do. >This happens to be most advantageous to >the station and its inhabitants. RIIYA: They must have been there by mistake, too. >This is called The Nexus. Where the other >stations all go to save the galaxy on a physical basis, Nexus are dedicated to >save everyone on a physiological level. Save them from the thing that drives >most men crazy...BAD FANFICTION. CHACHA: Physiological? Isn't that saying that bad fanfiction can cause disease? RIIYA: Now you're getting it. SHINJI: I've seen fanfiction that can cause brain hemmorages. Richmond and Tank Cop, to name a couple. SHIINE: Now that's bad, but I think he meant to say *psychological.* RYOKO: I think that goes without saying. >Unfortunately there is a lot of fanfiction so >they cant go as far to stop bad publication, SKULD: I thought the TMFFA Quality Filter did a pretty good job of that already. >though they do make an exception >for Mills and Boons books. And before you think they haven't succeeded very >well there, you would hate to see how many would come out if they didn't stop >what they do. SHIINE: So "they" stop themselves from doing something to keep bad fanfics from coming out? >But this fic is concentrating on one section of the station. The >L-fighters CHACHA: ...Defending the universe from all letters between K and M! >(Hence the title, clever that ain't it?...What do you mean No?), RYOKO: I didn't say anything... SKULD: Nor I... SHINJI: Me neither. Anyone say anything about the title? The rest of the cast shakes their heads. >this group deal with Lemons that don't meet with decent standards, RIIYA: As if there are Lemons that do?! >underage >stuff, rape, sick shit like that. SHIINE, CHACHA, SKULD: EWWWWWW!!! SKULD: You have to watch this stuff? SHINJI: Unfortunately, yes. >Well these guys stop it before it can >happen. CHACHA: Well good, that means we don't have to be here, right? Right?! >These brave men risk life and sanity to stop these fics. Of course most of the >group don't have any sanity to begin with so that narrows down the list of bad >stuff that could happen. Now watch and be Amazed/Appalled/indifferent (cross >out the two that don't apply to you) RYOKO: I think I'll cross out "Amazed" and "Appalled." SHINJI: Maybe I'll cross out "Amazed" and "Indifferent." > > >Lemon Fighters: Best in the Biz (cause everyone else quit) RIIYA: You know, I just don't like the story-type MST. Maybe that's why everyone else quit...it's just doesn't have the same potential. > Written by: >Agent_grey > > >"Tenchi!" "Tenchi-sama!" SHINJI: I think they sent us the subtitled version by mistake. > >Tenchi quickly turns the corner and presses up against the wall. He breathes >a >sigh of relief as he sees Ryoko and Ayeka run past him. "Everyday after >school >we go through this, I wish they would let me go home in peace for once. RYOKO: Okay...I don't know which continuity this guy's on, but I don't go chasing Tenchi down at school on a regular basis! Even Shin Ryoko only did it once or twice! SHIINE: Maybe the author's confusing Ryoko and Aeka with Marine. Chacha starts fuming. > Oh >no, >it's already 6:30(PM), Sasami probably prepared dinner already. She's gonna >kill me." RIIYA: Is it just me or is the fic Tenchi more out of character than we are? >Tenchi pokes his head out of the corner to check if the coast is >clear. SHINJI: ...when he's suddenly decapitated by the passage of a fast-moving truck. > Since it is, he starts running towards home. > >------------------------------------------------------------------------------ > CHACHA: Look, you can even follow his progress across the page. >Grey looked though his binoculars down onto the streets below. "Com'on you >inconsiderate git, your late he muttered to himself quietly. Adam was sitting >a >few feet away crossed legged with a tub of warm water with washing powder in >front of him. He had pulled off his shirt and was scrubbing hard on a washing >board. SHIINE: Uh...help, the character's just hijacked the narrative... SKULD: It's a bug! It's eaten the quotation mark! Skuld puts on her special bug glasses and picks up her hammer. She looks around, then hits Shinji over the head with it. RYOKO: SKULD! That's my grandson! SKULD: He had a bug on his head! I missed! CHACHA: I got an idea! Come out...bug zapper! With a puff of smoke that dissipates into bubbles in the LCL, a rather large bug lamp appears. Unfortunately, the path of least resistance isn't across the potential difference in the electrified grids, but through the MSTers. RIIYA: Ouch... SHIINE: Chacha...I think LCL conducts electricity. SKULD: Look at it this way, I think she got the bug. >"Goddamn blood just wont shift!" he complained to his partner who >completely ignored him. SHINJI: o/~ Yeah yeah, pig and elephant DNA just won't shift... o/~ >"Any minute now," Grey mumbled. Adam continued having >failed to notice the lack of attention. "It's just really pisses me off that >we >have to wash the stuff out our selves, I mean every other department has THIER >own laundry service. why not us?" RYOKO: Wait...Adam...plus chronic typos...anything disturbing about this? SHINJI: No...that's impossible. That was a confirmed kill! Misato! What's the scan say? MISATO: Shinji, relax, it's not pattern blue. Besides, there's some measure of intelligibility in this fic, so it can't be Adam Richmond. >Because," said Grey, adjusting the focus on >the lenses. ",we don't have that much of a success rate." RIIYA: We haven't scored with enough women to merit a laundry service! SHIINE: RIIYA?! RIIYA: Wait! It's just a riff! Double entendre! CHACHA: Come out...HENTAI MALLET! Another cloud of fine bubbles, and a perverted duck appears, immediately making lewd motions towards Ryoko. CHACHA: Oops...I guess instead of a hentai "mallet," I summoned a hentai "mallard." SKULD: I'll take care of it... The MSTers are immediately blasted from their seats and flung to the far walls of the theater. RYOKO: Skuld...wasn't that a bit much? SKULD: mental note...adjust grenades for use in LCL. The MSTers drift their way back to their seats. > Adam nodded slowly >"yeah well...don't we get point for enthusiasm?" Grey shifted around to face >him. "bludgeoning someone to death with a huge spanner does not count for >'enthusiasm'" SKULD: They misused a spanner? THEY WILL BURRRRRRNNNNNNN!!!! SHIINE: Call me crazy, but I think Skuld has a thing for tools. >he told his partner before returning to the task at hand. "Yeah >well I'm sure Tenchi would have preferred me to kill that version of him," he >said defensively. "sides I should have got a medal for killing that sashimi >Tenchi." RYOKO: If he means "Tenchi on a Plate of Sashimi," I'll even speak nicely to Aeka to be sure he gets a commendation from Jurai! >Grey shook his head. "just finish doing your shirt will ya?" Adam >started to pick off small pieces of wet paper that had been in his pocket from >his shirt. CHACHA: Collecting all his used toilet paper? Disgusting! >all the while mumbling under his breath. "you ain't the boss of me >asshole." but found himself compiling none the less. SKULD: Ooh, compiling? C++? Pascal? Fortran? >he tried reading the >strange words on some of the pieces put couldn't understand them. "THERE HE >IS!" Grey yelped excitedly. "Finally we got the guy way before the lemon scene >is due." SHINJI: Yes! Bag the lemon author! >He smiled as wide as possible and put an outstretched hand in the >direction of Adam. "Right, Give me the spell." Adam blinked and looked down >at >the wet paper pieces. "um...spell?" he asked Grey sighed. "Yes, you know, the >spell on the piece of paper we were gonna use to send this guy into a coma >with, remember?" SHIINE: Um...coma? CHACHA: I don't get it, why don't they just beat him up with a spanner? SKULD: Skuld bomb away! RIIYA: CHACHA! Skuld lobs a grenade at Chacha. Riiya quickly shifts to wolf form, jumps up and catches the grenade in his mouth...the explosion bounces him off the wall. CHACHA: RIIYA! >Adam licked his lips. "Uh..you mean the one with words that >don't normally look out of place when read though the eyes of a doped up >hippie?" Hitting the binoculars down in frustration Grey said very slowly. >"Yes, do you have them?" Adam hesitated. "Uh...um...yes..," he finally got >out. >Relief finally spreading though him Grey reached his hand out again. "good , >now just," ",..And no" Adam cut in finishing his sentence. Grey spun round at >an alarmingly fast rate. RYOKO: And here, Agent Grey does his Taz impersonation. >"What do you mean?" Adam held up the handful of wet >paper Grey stared at the paper and his left eye twitched. "You...you..." Adam >nodded. "Yup, s'pretty funny when ya think about it." Grey turned red and >screamed at Adam "WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GONNA DO WITHOUT THE SPELL!?" SHINJI: We go to plan B...and beat him to a bloody pulp with... SKULD: SKULD BOMB... SHINJI: ...a baseball bat. >Adam >backed off a little. "Okay stop already and clam down... SHINJI: *clam* down? SHIINE: I think it should be "clam up." CHACHA: ...you shouldn't be such a *crab* about this. I'm not trying to *bait* you or anything, but you can *sea* it was an accident! Under the *current* situation, my hands are *tide!* >..the vein in your >fore >head is scaring me." Grey was ready to lunge at him. "Now, now, I have an >idea!" He turned away from Grey and some tearing and pasting could be heard. >Then he spun around once again and showed Grey the fruits of his labour. RIIYA: Now if you kinda read it sideways, it looks like a dirty limerick. SKULD: What a useless scroll. All it says is Hastur, Hastur, Has... REST OF CAST: DON'T SAY IT!!! >"there >all better." he told the twitching agent. "You honestly think that would >work?" >Grey asked starring at the parchment that was soggy and held together by tape. >"no idea," Adam said shaking his head. "try it." RYOKO: I'll be over here cringing behind the elder sign. > Grey gingerly took the >parchment and brought it to the edge of the roof. aiming carefully at Tenchi. SKULD: Why's he aiming at Tenchi? SHINJI: I think he's trying to put Tenchi into a coma for a while so he can't do anything perverted while he's under the fic author's control. >"here we go!" he said cringing as he recited ancient incarnations. CHACHA: Tutankhamun, Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar... >True to his >training ,by the holy order of Python M, after every couple of chants he hit >himself with a wood plank. soon a great aura surrounded him. "Its working, Its >working!........I never thought that would happen." SHIINE: Well that usually happens when you whack yourself over the head, you would see SOMETHING... >Then the aura concentrated >into a ball in front of Grey . the pink ball floated in front of his face and >waited for some sort of direction. A couple more hits of the plank and the >ball >chased after Tenchi and exploded near by. "AH HA WE DONE IT WE DONE IT >WE......" Both of the agents stared at the startled Tenchi who wasn't in a >coma >of any sort. "Wha..what happened?" stuttered Adam. RIIYA: Must have been a dud. Oh hell with it, just give me the sniper rifle. >Before Grey could even have >a chance to throttle him, a man who had a disfigured face and brownish green >skin chased two men in Armani suits. SHINJI: Don't let him touch me! This suit is brand new! RYOKO: We've been dropped into a satire of a bad fanfic! Run! >he was closely followed by a man in an >ornate kabuki dress and sword, also chasing the men. Adam slapped a hand to >his >forehead. SKULD: If I do this enough times, maybe I can give myself a brain hemmorage and die. >"Oh I get it. Instead of sending him a coma it sent him a...." >"TROMA!" Grey yelled "IT SENT HIM CHARACTERS FROM TROMA FILMS!!!" He was >holding onto Adam's collar. SHIINE: I thought I recognized that paper...they were trying to use Chacha's homework. CHACHA: Hey! I don't screw up magic all the ti... What do you know, it is! >"He's gone now but we still have a chance. We've >got to hurry to the rental car." Adam struggled slightly more as a look of >nervousness appeared on his face. "Ah well you see um..." "WHAT!!" yelled Grey >turning red again. "Its...really quite funny when you think about it." RIIYA: Anyone else getting deja vu? SKULD: It's a glitch in the Matrix. They've changed something. We must escape. > He held >up the soppy remains of the parking ticket, which then slopped out his hand >and >onto the floor in an unceriomial pile. Tenchi ran all the faster as Grey's >scream filled the skies. > > >################################### CHACHA: Train tracks? > > >"He's late isn't he." > >Adam laughed at the small girl's statement as she paced to and fro across the >room on the screen in front of him. "Thanks Sasami I might not have noticed >the damned obvious if you weren't here." the screen was tinted blue and gave a >view of the entire living room and the kitchen that was adjoined to it. the >screen itself was only a portable 10-inch tv set, but in his cramped hiding >place in the cupboard under the stairs SHINJI: It's a good thing Harry isn't here...that line might have given him flashbacks. > it seemed way bigger than he really >wanted. despite this he had managed to bring in a whole box of popcorn , three >coke cans and a bag of Twinkies. CHACHA: Noboyuki, did you call the exterminator? I think we've got Fanboys in the woodwork again. >He munched on them contentedly, confident in >the fact that if the Americans where only able to exceed above everyone else >in >the universe in one thing, it would be high in fat, sugary candy and snacks. RYOKO: Don't forget semiconductor chips, agriculture, military hardware, lawyers, and otaku. >and he wouldn't have it any other way. now all he had to do was wait. Grey >had >gone to try to stall Tenchi so Adam could get there first . and now he had >reached the elusive position SKULD: That looks more like a warped lotus position to me. > he had only to wait for Sasami to get to the next >scene. So he waited...and waited....and waited.... "Godsake I've been here for >what?," he asked himself in disbelief as he stared down at his watch. ", Five >minutes now" he tutted in disgust. Grey bloody well takes his time don't he, >he >thought bitterly to himself while biting into a Twinkie. What the hell could >he >be doing? > >############################## RIIYA: Choo choo! Choo choo! SHIINE: First Chacha, then Riiya...they've both lost it. > >Across town..... > >"I swear to you I'm a Sayjin." said Grey his arms across his chest and a stern >look on his face. SKULD: Just like everyone else that self-inserts into fanfics! CHACHA: Yeah, and I'm the crown prince of an alien planet. >"You are not." said Tenchi scowling "They don't even exist." >Grey was getting desperate. The guy who could never decide on >anything..........had decided to go home. RYOKO: Now that's just exaggerating Tenchi's indecisiveness a little bit. SHIINE: Well...um...do I want to use my right foot or my left to start walking...hmmm... Ryoko blasts Shiine with an energy bolt. >the one time he been relied on to be >indecisive and the stubborn bastard was suddenly very decisive about one >thing. Home. He had tried everything. he tried getting him involved in >following >Happosi and tramp on him afterwards for stealing undergarments. SHINJI: He must have Tenchi confused with Noboyuki. CHACHA: Isn't Happosai supposed to be a Buddhist martial arts master like Yosho? Why wouldn't Tenchi follow him? RYOKO: Happosai's martial art is Terran in origin, not Juraian. And he's not Buddhist, he's Bootyist. CHACHA: He's what? RYOKO: He's on a path of enlightenment to reach Pervana. >It just turned >out that Tenchi thought 'well, the guys old let him have his fun' SKULD: Must be a new anime law of physics in the Yggdrasil OS protocol...old men don't get senile, they get perverted. >he had tried >getting him to run the other way by pulling in a favour from Godzilla. RIIYA: Godzilla. City stomping by appointment only. >but he >never even saw the lizard as it turns out that not only does Tenchi wear >contacts, RYOKO: First he's terminally indecisive, now he's nearsighted...what's next, is the author going to contrive epilepsy? >but that he managed to lose one just as Godzilla rampaged though, >and >then everyone ran past and blocked what little he could have seen of the >monster. And before now he had tried sending him to another world. CHACHA: Someone got censored! >But as luck >would have it, a lost boy with a bandanna appeared from nowhere on the same >spot on the same other planet. SHINJI: ...and thus Tenchi was telefragged. Ouch. >And when Tenchi followed him around a corner he >ended up right from where he was teleported from and the lost boy had >effectively got lost again. where the bandanna boy had gone was a mystery. Meanwhile, in Central Dogma, Ryoga is hiking across the main control room. RYOGA: WHERE ON EARTH AM I NOW?! > >*interlude* > >Across the globe in a huge robot machine of tacky justice, SKULD: Hmmph...bet I could build better. CHACHA: Tacky justice! It's Giant Mecha Gluebot! RIIYA: There, Chacha, you're getting the hang of this. >there sat five >colourful superheroes.........all arguing over who got to drive. "I'm the >leader I'll drive." the red ranger CAST: MIGHTY MORPHIN' POWER RANGERS?! SKULD: I stand corrected. I KNOW I could build better. >said proudly. the blue ranger whined loudly, SHIINE: I don't wanna be a lame-ass Power Ranger! >" But I wanna drive, you always drive." the red ranger nodded. "Cause I'm the >leader." RYOKO: And I got the keys. >The girls 'hmmped' in unison. "Well what if a girl was the leader" >said the pink ranger ALL THE GIRLS: Yeah! SHINJI: Look at the choices here. I don't think gender will make much of a difference, if this is their level of competence. >"I'm sure id be a great leader." the yellow ranger >swirled RIIYA: ...as the LSD kicked in. >angrily "And what about me?" The pink ranger laughed cruelly. "Oh shut up >little miss 'My breasts dissaper when fight scenes happen cause I'm played by >a >guy in the Japanese footage'!" SHIINE: They don't disappear! It's just really tight spandex! > Unveiwable from under her helmet the yellow >rangers lip wobbled pathetically. SKULD: But since the helmets look like parking meters, we can't see this, so we don't care. >"I do not!" she shouted angrily. "Boom ba >phoosh ba boo boom!" the black ranger sang (sort of) CHACHA: Dammit, Black Ranger, stop speaking in tongues! >along to the music coming >from the huge earphones on the outside of his helmet. "Shut up!" everyone >yelled. Ryoga never said a word though out this but only wondered whom these >people where and how the hell had he got there. RYOGA: No kidding...I'm lost both here and there?! This has got to be a new record... >he raised a hand slowly. "Uhh >can a ask a question?" he asked nervously. everyone spun around. "NO!" >well...everyone apart from the black ranger. "boom boom crish! BOOM KRANGGG!!" SHINJI: I think the Black Ranger took a hit of Snow Crash. >Mean while one of Rita's monsters sat next to a huge insect-like creature, a >beer in one hand and one of the other hands running up the other monster's >wings. "You know Mothra? my wife doesn't under stand me." > >*End interlude* RIIYA: Now we don't have to worry about traffic fines being doubled. > >But this had to work Grey had decided. "Fine prove it then. Change into your >ape form and I'll believe you're a Sayjin." RYOKO: A planet where apes evolve from Saya-jin? > Tenchi said, exhaustion seeping >in. >Grey smiled. "Alright close ya eyes and count to ten." Tenchi raised an >eyebrow. "What?" "SHUT UP AND DO IT!" Grey yelled. Tenchi did as told and >started to count with his eyes closed. "One, two....." With that Grey ran SHINJI: ...out of the fic. >around the corner of a building. "six, seven....." A huge purple ape wondered >on slowly and stopped short of the boy. "Nine ten. Ah ha I knew you >couldn't....." He looked up and stared at the ape in front of him. "Wha?" he >asked, his jaw hanging in shock. "GRAPE APE" it bellowed down on him and blew >Tenchi over. CHACHA: Death by banana breath...what a way to go. SKULD: You know there's a problem when you have to outsource to Hanna-Barbera. > Without a second look Tenchi picked himself up and ran the other >direction in the longer route home. Around the corner Grey was snickering >suspiciously like a well-known cartoon dog. SHIINE: WHICH well-known cartoon dog?! RYOKO: Seeing as how it's Hanna-Barbera, that narrows it down...Huckleberry Hound, perhaps, or Scooby-Doo? >"Thanks Beagly." CAST: WHO? > he told the dog >standing next to him dressed in hat and vest. "Your welcome, That'll be three >hundred dollars." "What?!" Grey yelled. the dog's expression hardened. "you >want to take it up with ape here?" Grey looked behind him and saw a evil >grinning grape ape cracking his knuckles. "Alright, alright, I'll pay" Grey >told him irritably while pulling out his wallet to retrieve the money. "but >I'll need a receipt." CHACHA: Why's he so worried, if he's going to get reimbursed? >Clutching a receipt and walking off in the direction to >Tenchi's house Grey was heard mumbling something very much like "Fucking >pirates, daylight robbery, SHINJI: Must be talking about more lemon titles. > that is, that!" ####################### SKULD: ...then he got run over by the train! > > >"He's half an hour late this time, Ryo-Ohki." Sasami still staring at dinner, RIIYA: If she's not going to eat that, I will! SHIINE: Riiya, stop drooling in the LCL! We have to breathe that, you know! >her face looking angrier and angrier at each passing minute. Finally fed up >from waiting, Sasami gets up and stomps away from the table. "Sasami, where >are you going?" RYOKO: Who said that? > >"Yeah, where are you going Sasami?" Adam asked more himself than the girl. He >took another piece of popcorn and threw it into his mouth. SKULD: Oops, he missed. SHINJI: OW! MY EYE! > >"I'm going to take a hot bath. Hopefully that will cool me down CHACHA: Doesn't this violate some law of thermodynamics?! SKULD: Not to worry, I violate laws of thermodynamics all the time. SHIINE: Why do you care about thermodynamics? CHACHA: Rascal-sensei went over it in school, remember? >until baka- >niichan gets home!" She then stomps here way upstairs up to the bathroom. RIIYA: Rough translation..."idiot brother?" SHINJI: Tell me this isn't the Pretty Sammy continuity... > >Adam spat out his cola all over the small screen. "That's what I've been >waiting for." Quickly he started rummaging around himself. "Where the hell is >that...." Adam picked up a small black device which was fizzing small >electrical sparks left and right, globs of sugar and butter covered it and >coke dripped of it also. "...Communicator" he finished. RYOKO: Now this is really low. I mean even the most underfunded bounty hunters would at least have technology rivaling that of elite forces equipment from 20th century Earth! > >"Man, she's pissed. I'd hate to be Tenchi when he gets back." Ryo-Ohki hops >his way up the stairs to Sasami's room to go take a quick nap. SHIINE: Ryo-ohki's not supposed to talk, is he? RYOKO: Maybe it's the disembodied voice. > >Adam tucked the communicator away in a pocket and tried the door. It didn't >move. He tried it again. Nothing. Chosing his words carfully he decided upon >the ones that would definitely sum up the situation. CHACHA: Come out...doorknob! RIIYA: Call 911! SKULD: Belldandy! Help! SHIINE: DRAGON SLAVE!!! SHINJI: I mustn't run away... RYOKO: The mission is screwed! >"Oh bollocks." > >Sasami enters the bathroom and slams the door behind her. She now turns on the >water to take a quick little shower before she goes and relaxes in the tub. CHACHA: Isn't this redundant? RYOKO: Not at all. This is how they take baths in Terran Japan. > >***************************** All turn to look at Skuld, who's holding a rather surreal version of a minigun. SKULD: What? > >"Adam, are you there? Goddamit answer me!" Grey yelled in frustration at the >communicator. It crackled and fizzed but nothing else happened. CHACHA: What about snapping and popping? RIIYA: Adam didn't pour milk over his communicator. >Grumbling, he >turned it off and pulled his print out of the fic from his jacket. He traced a >finger down a few pages until he reached the desired place. "Okay, she should >be heading to the bath now," and as if on cue, the bathroom light went on. SHIINE: *ding!* Lavatory is now occupied. >"Right then, now I have a few minutes before Tenchi comes back." He raced up >to >the door and tried the handle. "Adam was meant to open the door." SHINJI: It's the door handle Excalibur! RYOKO: Whoso pulleth open this door is rightwise born king of Hentai... >He growled >giving the offensive door a swift kick. He looked for any open windows and his >search turned up nought. He settled on a different tactic and shuffled into a >hiding place in the bush by the door. SKULD: Has anyone here actually seen the Pretty Sammy continuity? Would there be a bush by the door? >Now he had to wait for Tenchi. > >Five minutes later..... > >Almost out of breath, Tenchi is still sprinting so he doesn't make it home too >late to have dinner. CHACHA: So he completely forgot about the giant purple monkey. Right. >Tenchi finally make it to the front steps of his house, >but sits down first to catch his breath before he goes inside and faces >Sasami. RIIYA: Sasami! I challenge you to a duel to the death! >"*huff*huff* I wonder...*huff* ...what Sasami-chan...*huff*... is >doing...*huff*?" After a few minutes, SHIINE: ...and a few packs of Marlboro lights... >Tenchi finally gets up and opens the >door. Tenchi slowly pokes his head through the door to see if Sasami is right >there waiting for him. SHINJI: ...with a loaded gun. >Seeing that the coast is clear, he finally enters the >house, takes off his shoes, and slips into his slippers. > >As the door slowly started to close, Grey's hand shot out SKULD: Robot PUNCH! >and grabbed hold of >it. Smiling he rose out of the bush. His smile dissapered and he felt the >sharp >pin pricks CHACHA: Oh that sounds naughty... SHINJI: Sarcasm, being out-of-character, and hentai remarks...Chacha, you're well on your way to being a seasoned MSTer. >of the bush's thorns dig into his rear. As he steeped though the >door and pulled out the thorns he made a mental note of hurting Adam REALLY >bad >when he found him. He kept up close to the door and waited for Tenchi to play >out the fic. SHIINE: Oh well, let's get this over with...where is that plate of Sashimi? > >Tenchi finally makes his way to the living room and dining area and notices >that dinner is still set out. He looks around, steps into the kitchen really >quick and sees that Sasami is not around. He steps back to check upstairs and >notices that the door to room is closed. RYOKO: Which room? >Thinking that she has locked herself >in there to cool off, Tenchi decides not to go up to her room but to take a >nice shower. CHACHA: Wait a minute, Sasami's already in there! >So Tenchi quickly makes his way upstairs to the bathroom but >being careful not to make any noise so Sasami won't hear him. RIIYA: I don't like where this is going. > >"Alright you twisted git," Said Grey quietly loading his Nexus issued tranq >pistol. "Let's finish this," He quietly started to follow Tenchi up stairs. >*TAP* *TAP* SHINJI: In the special forces terminology, that's called a double-tap. CHACHA: Isn't that when you use a gun? >Grey stopped abruptly. His brain raced, full of questions. Had he >been discovered? SHIINE: Not really. >What would he do if he failed? CHACHA: He'd have to go to summer school! >What if Adam had been caught? SHINJI: The state department would disavow any knowledge of his existence. >What is the meaning of life? Is it really 42? RYOKO: Let us have a moment of silence for Douglas Adams... The MSTers bow their heads. >What was the air speed velocity >of an unladen swallow? RIIYA: African or European? >Is there really no need for Tenchi? SKULD: Well without him the series doesn't have a title character... >If there isn't then >why is the show named after him? SKULD: See previous. >Why do the sailor scouts have such short >skirts? SHINJI: Why not? >Why is Pokemon so annoying? SKULD: People erroneously blame Pikachu...I'd blame Ash. >Why is it they cant ever do anything with >out Goku? SHIINE: I dunno, do I look like I watch Dragonball Z? >Where the hell did most of these questions come from? CHACHA: From the voices inside his head! >And other such >various thoughts. "Grey? Izzat you?" Adam's voice asked though the wooden door >next to the staircase. RYOKO: If this wasn't the wrong continuity, I'd say..."help! I'm stuck in Washu's lab!" >Grey stepped towards the door and gingerly started to >talk to it. "Um Adam?" He tried. "Yeah Help me out will you? I'm stuck." He >pleaded. Greys eyes narrowed. "Where were you earlier? Why weren't you out of >there?" SKULD: Didn't he already explain he was stuck? >There was an intake of breath from Adam's side. "Well you know...its >quite nice in here, not too hot not to cold, and..Oh yeah, IM STUCK!" He >yelled >as loud as he dared angrily. RIIYA: These guys don't do stealth that well, do they? >Grey scratched his head in thought. "Um well I >have one idea but..." "Well do it!" Adam yelled again "okay then" said Grey >slowly. "it's usually times like these that HE turns up," Behind the door Adam >also scratched his head. "Who is, HE?" SHINJI: You know, HIM. SHIINE: No...would you mind telling me who HE is? SHINJI: Oh you know who HE is. HE is HIM. >He asked his co- worker. Grey laughed >nervously. "Just trust me on this, when he turns up just follow him out." Adam >Blinked. "...okay" > >Five minutes passed CHACHA: And Collingsworth receives and would you look at him go! > >"Grey are you sure about this?" Adam asked, boredom present with his voice. >Grey nodded "Positive, just wait." RYOKO: ...Five more minutes passed... >Adam shrugged in his cramped space, he was >covered in sticky sweet wrappers RIIYA: Okay, let's clarify this right now, that's SUGAR! CHACHA: Well what else would it be? SHIINE: Um...we don't want to have a Hentai double entendre. CHACHA: What? SHIINE: Remember those "health" classes Rascal-Sensei gave us when he said "we were old enough to understand?" Chacha suddenly turns green and vomits. SKULD: EW, Gross! Skuld fires off a spell which paints the words "Ew, gross" on the cloud of vomit before it diffuses. >and somehow had managed to end up sitting on >the TV screen. "Well okay Grey but I..." "Akane? Are you there?" came a voice. >Startled, Adam span round as much as he could. "What th...'ere, who are you?" SHINJI: 'Ere now, what's all this? >He was staring at a boy with a yellow bandanna with black spots plus a huge >umbrella stuck to his back. Most interesting of all he was standing upright. RYOKO: Unless you're like me, standing sideways is rather difficult. >Adam found that he now also could stand up right and that the cupboard door >had >gone. "Where did..." Adam began pointing towards where the door should have >been. The boy rudely interrupted him. "RANMA I WILL KILL YOU!!" SKULD: This must have been Season One Ryoga...in the second season his primary motivation was Akane. >With that he >ran off in another direction in what seemed like a cave. Slightly taken aback >Adam gathered himself and ran after him. RIIYA: Following Ryoga? That's a BAD move. >Within a minute he found himself once >again out side the house and Grey was standing at the door. "You took your >time >didn't ya?" Grey commented as Adam peeled a Twinkie wrapper of his shoulder. >"Whatever" Adam shrugged re-entering the house. CHACHA: Pick a bloody tense and stay with it!!! SHIINE: Wow...I've never seen her that angry...well, maybe I have whenever Marine hits on Riiya. > >*********** > >Tenchi slowly opens the door to the bathroom and gently closes it behind him. >As he begins to undress, he notices that Sasami's clothes are in the basket >next to him. SHINJI: Tenchi, that might be a good indication that she's STILL IN THERE! >Thinking that after she took her shower, she went to her room >for >a nap, CHACHA: What, does Tenchi assume Sasami sleeps naked? >he continued to undress. Now fully undressed, Tenchi puts his clothes >aside and begins to open the sliding door to the bathing room. Barely even >opened, he quickly closes the door. With his eyes wide open, he takes a big >gulp and assures himself that it couldn't be and gets ready to open the door >again. SKULD: Yes, apparently Tenchi assumes Sasami sleeps naked. Either that or he's just become stupid in this fic! >He slightly opens, but then quickly closes the door as he finally >realises that Sasami is still in the bathtub. RIIYA: Brilliant deduction, Holmes, maybe you could have figured it out BEFORE you opened the door? >Tenchi's heart begins to beat >faster and faster at each second, SHIINE: Until he went into cardiac arrest and died. The end. >Tenchi checks and notices that she is only >sleeping. So he takes a big sigh of relief as he leans against the wall. CHACHA: Oh, I get it, he was afraid she drowned in the tub, right? Right?! > >Tenchi takes another look. "No, stop! What am I doing, this is my own little >sister!" RYOKO: Oh damn, this *is* the Pretty Sammy continuity! >he whispers to himself as he hangs his head low in shame. But still >out of curiosity he raises his head up to look some more. SHIINE: No! No! Wrong! Bad Tenchi! No! >All these different >thoughts begin racing through Tenchi's mind of what he would and could do to >Sasami right now. The images become too much for Tenchi to handle, SKULD: ...so he pops down to Washu's lab for a GeForce2 brain upgrade. >he slowly >closes the door to the bath, picks up his clothes, and runs towards his room, >slamming the two doors behind him. CHACHA: Is there nobody in this house that puts their clothes on?! > >********************* Downstairs > >"Crap, the door just slammed, were running out of time," said Grey though his >gritted teeth. Adam nodded. "Yeah we have to..." "What are you doing here?!" >Asked a high pitched voice. "Huh?" Both agents said in unison. There was an >exhausted sigh and then, "Down here." Simultaneously they both looked down. >This fics version of Ryo-ohki looked up at them. SHINJI: You're in this house and you still have your pants on! What's wrong with you people? >Adam's left eye started to >twitch. "Grey I know we shouldn't but," "Kill it now, for all our sakes." Grey >said plainly , much to the distress of the cabbit. RYOKO: Well, if it's "Pretty Sammy" or "Shin Tenchi" Ryo-Ohki...doesn't matter to me. >"Now wait a minute!" >Ryo-ohki protested. Grey ignored it and turned to Adam. "You kill it and ill >subdue the others." Adam Smiled. CHACHA: Oh, it's not Richmond. It's Adam Smiled. SHINJI: On one hand, that's kinda low-grade, riffing a capitalization error...on the other hand, any reassurance that this ISN'T Adam Richmond is appreciated. >"Agreed" Ryo-ohki looked left and right >frantically for a way out as Grey marched up stairs. He then stopped and >looked >up as Adam's shadow was cast over him, a manic smile on his face. "This is the >part where I give you a head start of ten seconds right?" He asked the brown >quivering thing as he pulled out a long stick from his jacket even though it >was impossible for it to fit in it. SHIINE: Speaking of which, I wonder how Skuld manages to fit all those grenades in her clothes! It's like she packs ten or twelve of them down the front of her shirt! SKULD: Investigate and I'll hammer you. >It had a handle at one end and a very >large piece of metal on the other. RYOKO: I bet it's a sword. RIIYA: No way, Ryoko. It's gotta be a shotgun. CHACHA: Maybe it's a board with a nail in it! >"Yeah ten seconds that's right," said the >cabbit as it started to move away. And abruptly stopped when the end with the >metal came crashing down next to him. "HEY!" He yelled angrily at the agent. >"You said ten seconds!" Adam nodded "Yup, and one of these days I really need >to learn how to count." SHINJI: Who cares about a little detail like that? KILL THE DAMN RODENT! >The manic grin grew larger and then he gave chase >after the small creature that was now fearing for its life. > >**************************** > >"Huh, nani? Who slammed the door so loud? Must've been Tenchi, good he's >finally back." Sasami steps out of the tub, dries herself off and covers >herself and her hair up in towels SKULD: I'm imagining Sasami looking like the mummy at this point... >and makes her way towards Tenchi's room. > >Out side the door.... > >"Right now I just need to find Sasami and..." Grey didn't get to finish his >line of thought as the bathroom door connected to his face. RIIYA: Connected *to* his face? RYOKO: Mihoshi, stop playing with that nailgun! We've got remodeling to do! SHINJI: I think he meant "connected *with* his face." But that's impossible, if this house uses traditional Japanese design. Doors slide sideways. >Sasami bounced out >the door, CHACHA: Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing... >her towel wrapped around her and carried on down the corridor. As >the door swung shut SHINJI: Slid shut... >Grey was left standing in a startled condition with a very >sore >nose. "Owie." He slumped down and landed on his rear. "well at least I know >where she is now." He then fished around his jacket for his copy of the fic. >"Now then what's going to happen nex...OH SHITE-HAWKS!" SHIINE: Shite-hawks? RYOKO: Yeah...the bane of BMW owners all over Jurai. > Grey quickly got up >and raced down the corridor. > >Sasami reaches the door to Tenchi's room, she starts to go for the doorknob >and >burst SHINJI: ...into a thousand tiny gibs as Ryoga suddenly appeared at her location, telefragging her. >into Tenchi's room to give him a piece of her mind. SKULD: Why is Sasami holding a cranial saw? >She hesitates >turning the knob when she notices moaning coming out of his room. Sasami's >eyes widen and gasps as she may be thinking that Tenchi may be getting some. RYOKO: SCORE! I WIN! > >"Oh Sasami. Yes!" RIIYA: Oh please tell me he's not using the Light Hawk Wings... > >Downstairs.... > >Adam surveyed his handiwork. The room was a mess, furniture was upturned, >pictures were smashed, and there was a small brown and red splat on the carpet >in front of him. SKULD: Ewww! I thought L-fighters were housetrained! >He raised a hand to his chin and scratched. "Odd" he >commented >"I would have thought he'd make more of a 'splut' sound." Shrugging he heaved >the long stick onto his shoulder and made towards the stairs. CHACHA: You know we still haven't figured out what that thing is yet. > >She becomes puzzled as to why Tenchi is calling out her name. She thinks to >herself, but then thinks not. She slowly opens the to take a peak. SHINJI: She takes K2, and becomes the first Juraian ever to climb to the summit of Earth's meanest mountain. >Sasami >sees that Tenchi is by himself and takes a sigh of relief, but still wonders >why he is still moaning. SHIINE: Please...the pain...get me out of this fic... >She opens the door a little more but then quickly >looks away when she notices that he is touching himself down "there". "Oh my >gosh, what's he doing to himself?", she says quietly to herself. SKULD: Gee, could he be MASTURBATING LIKE A WILD MONKEY?! > >"Oh crap there's not much time left." Grey panicked as he peered around the >corner seeing Sasami looking though Tenchi's door. "Think Grey think," >Suddenly >the light bulb that appears in these circumstances...Didn't appear because it >thought this story was too crap ,complained to its agent and left the set. RYOKO: Damn...this fic just riffs itself. Then again, we're MSTing a satire. > But >Grey did have an idea. > >She turns her head once more and begins staring at what Tenchi is still doing. >She catches herself looking. But she can't stop herself from looking, her >heart >begins to beat faster and faster. CHACHA: Does EVERYONE in this fic have some kind of heart condition? >"I have to do it," she thinks to herself. >So Sasami opens the door wide into Tenchi's room. > SHINJI: FREEZE! Magical girl police! Hands behind your back, perv! >Tying on the football helmet Grey quickly followed, bursting into the room >while holding a large piece of card. "WHAT THE HELL!?" Tenchi asked quickly >zipping himself up RIIYA: *zzzzzzziiipp!* EEYYYAAHHHHHHHH!!! SHIINE: He got caught in...oh holy crap, how'd he get it all the way to the top?! >and looking from his sister to the strange guy who had >burst RYOKO: ...all over the walls, celing, and floor. SHINJI: Who set the respawn points in this fic?! >into his room. "Quickly tell me what this is." He then presented the picture >on >the card to Tenchi. "Wait you're the Sayjin!" Tenchi cried pushing back >against >the wall. "Tell me what this is or I'll go Dragonball Z on your behind!" SKULD: Ack! No! Not my behind! I'm still in therapy from that "Sashimi" incident! >Gulping Tenchi looked at the picture. CHACHA: While "Looking Tenchi" Scratched his brow, "Scratching Tenchi" made ready to run, and "Running Tenchi" gulped. >"Well?" asked Grey presenting a picture >of a large orange orang-utan wearing scruffy green robes. "It's a monkey." He >said nervously. "Now why are you..." "OOK!!!!" the orang-utan pounced on >Tenchi >from the windowsill and started to attack and bite him ferociously. RIIYA: Spontaneous monkey action! RYOKO: In more ways than one, apparently... SKULD: HENTAI! Skuld fires off a spell and etches the word "Hentai" into Ryoko's face. RYOKO: You'd better take this off, little girl, or you're going back to Belldandy in pieces! >This >carried on for five minutes every now and again something would fly at Grey's >head and bounce off the helmet. Sasami meanwhile tried her best not to cry. SHINJI: So she laughed instead. >"Well my work is almost done." He pronounced to the world. "Well I'm >finished." >Said Adam as he walked up to Grey, the stick with the long metal end resting >on >his shoulder. RYOKO: Well? What the hell is it? >"You killed Ryo-ohki with that shovel?" Grey asked pointing to >the shovel in Adam's possession. SHIINE: It's...a shovel. He killed a cabbit with a shovel. RIIYA: MIYA-*SPLAT!* >"Yup, it's a snow shovel to be precise. A >Ryoko from one of Davner's fics lent me it." RYOKO: Okay...remind me to ask mom how many copies of me she made. >Grey looked at him with a raised >eyebrow. "Okay then." Sasami grew wide-eyed and teary "Ryo-ohki is dead?" CHACHA: The cabbit is dead! Long live the cabbit! >she >sniffled. "Uh huh." Said Adam presenting the shovel end of the stick to the >girl, fur was stuck to it in various places by blood and an eyeball hung >loosely of the end by some nerves. "This is a dead cabbit, it has ceased to >be." RIIYA: Insensitive bastards! Why don't they rub her face in it? >Sasami fell to her knees and cried, Anime waterfalls fell from her eyes. SHIINE: Now they killed the fourth wall, too! Have they no shame? >"WWWWAAHHHH!!" She screamed. "Okay then Adam break out the anti-hentai >injections, and the memory block tablets." SHINJI: Uh, aren't these tablets a little big to be swallowed? RYOKO: Oh, these tablets aren't for *swallowing.* > Grey announced to his partner. >"Will >do." He saluted in mock formalness and went to fetch the items, leaving a smug >agent, a crying girl and a boy and orang-utan in mortal combat. > >A few minutes later > >"Right everyone is injected and has forgot everything lets go before they >notice us." SKULD: Right. I think even with memory erasure, they're going to notice Tenchi's severe injuries, the damage from Godzilla, and the cabbit-shaped bloodstain. > Said Adam packing up Ryoko's shovel. "Okay just a sec." Grey ran >off upstairs then came back down with the librarian who was communicating with >a series of OKK's and OO's. SHINJI: Did this author get David Brin's permission for the use of Uplift techniques on primates? >"OOK?" He asked "Sure I think you would be a great >nexus agent." "OOK?" "Really" "OO OOk." He said proudly. "Ready Adam?" he >asked >as he pulled a few orange hairs from his suit. "Ready and rearing to go" he >zipped up his jacket and they all left the house. "where did you park the >rental Adam?" RIIYA: Oh...I wrote the last place I parked down on a piece of paper. SHIINE: Where did you put that piece of paper? RIIYA: With the keys to the rental. SHIINE: And where did you put the keys? RIIYA: Oh...in my pants pocket. SHIINE: And where did you put your pants? RIIYA: Er... SHIINE: .... RIIYA: Its...really quite funny when you think about it. >Grey asked while looking down the road. "Just ahead, ill go get >it." He then raced down the road. "OO?" Grey shook his head "Nope, sorry, I'm >driving" The librarian orang-utan sighed a little sulkily. CHACHA: Just how did they read the expression on an ourang-outan? >Adam and the van >rental came up and parked next to them. "All Aboard!" he yelled patting the >side of the van though the window. "Okay hairy guy you'll have to ride in the >back the front is too small for you." Nodding the librarian walked up to the >back and jumped in. RYOKO: ...whereupon he crushed his head on the door. Oops. >"Well then that was an okay days work was it not?" Adam >asked happily. Grey met this with an icy stare. "Well I thought it was." He >said to himself as he returned to looking at the road. SHINJI: To take a reference from Wierd Anime Excel Saga, "Today's experiment..........failed." > >The end...Till I feel nasty and vindictive, then ill write some more. > SKULD: Proofread this first before you add onto it!!! > > >Well that was fun. So guys tell me what you thought, was it crap? RYOKO: I've seen worse. >was it >pathetic? SHINJI: I've seen worse. >was it goo..crap? Whatever you thought it was tell me by dropping me >a line at Eskar_the_pirate@yahoo.co.uk Adam Asskicker was dragged kicking and >screaming into this fic The MSTers stare at the screen. RIIYA: That... RYOKO: Bastard... CHACHA: Was... SKULD: RICHMOND?! CHACHA: Let's take this sucker down!!! Chacha, Riiya, and Shiine all stand-up from their seats. Chacha's amulet flares to life, firing a red laser-like beam of light at Riiya's bracelet. >and didn't actually write any of it. SHINJI: Guys...uh...didn't you see that? Richmond didn't write any of it! A green beam fires from Riiya's bracelet into the ring on Shiine's finger. RYOKO: I don't think they're listening. >but who cares, I >found it fun to write. I um...sorta borrowed Ryoko's shovel from Tomas "009" >Doscher (Davner)'s story 'Tenchi Makes His Choice' But this is more of a >tribute than using with out permission. (Yeah that ought to work) SKULD: Uh, Grey, I think he can hear your muttering... A blue beam fires from Shiine's ring back to Chacha's amulet, and she picks it up. CHACHA: Love! RIIYA: Courage! SHIINE: Hope! SHINJI: Duck! >special >thanks also to H_pinoy for letting me take the piss out of his work. Hope ya >enjoyed it bye! Chacha is surrounded in beams of radiant energy, and she rapidly undergoes a metamorphosis from a little girl to a well-developed post-adolescent woman. The garb she now wears is reminiscent of Athena, the Greek goddess of battle. MAGICAL PRINCESS HOLY-UP: By the power of love, courage, and hope, Magical Princess Holy-UP! SKULD: Zero to puberty in 1.2 seconds...what's Urd been putting in this LCL?! The Magical Princess draws back on an ornate recurve bow with an apparently fixed ruby-tipped arrow. A second of dramatic pose, and she points it at the screen. MPHU: Beauty Selene Arrow! The crystal tip of the arrow flares into red radiance. RYOKO: I'm sure she can't pierce the AT field with that... MPHU: Magical SHOOT! A bolt of crimson energy shoots forth from the tip of the arrowhead crystal, piercing the AT field and the screen. Suddenly an explosion akin to the Dragon Slave tears the AT field apart from the inside, filling the Entry Theater with plasma. Everyone, save for the Magical Princess Holy-Up, is completely blackened. The Magical Princess stands there, surrounded by a sparkling aura, smiles, and the scene fades to black. MISATO: Er...hello? We lost lights in the Entry Theater! Hello? Later around the table in the NERV briefing room, Gendo is glaring at those assembled: Shinji, Shiine, Skuld, Chacha, Riiya, and Ryoko from the Entry Theater, plus Ritsuko and Misato. GENDO: Well, Dr. Akagi? RITSUKO: It would seem that this first batch of candidates would serve us well as a youth reserve in the event of missing crew. SHINJI: Sorry, guys... CHACHA: Does this mean we'll have to come back? MISATO: Not unless we run short of MSTers again. SERAVY: Well, I guess I'll just take them back to the magical kingdom. All assembled turn towards the new person. He's tall, wearing one of Ritsuko's labcoats, with a doll in the pocket in place of pens. His hair is shoulder-length and green, and he's wearing Groucho Marx joke glasses. GENDO: Who are you? SERAVY: I'm just a passing-by NERV scientist. MISATO: Uh huh. What about you? SKULD: I can make my way back through any body of hot water. I'll just use the baths. Before anyone can open their mouth, Skuld is up and out the door. RITSUKO: I wonder if anyone told her the hot water heater's been broken since this morning? GENDO: Anyway, we need to plan for our next run... Enter a rather familliar personage, the title character of the series on which the bad fanfic attacked by NERV has been based...Tenchi Masaki. He looks a bit embarrassed. TENCHI: Uh...sorry, I must have taken a wrong turn, I... Ryoko nearly breaks the sound barrier moving across the room, glomping Tenchi with nearly enough force to shatter his collarbone. RYOKO: TENNNNCHIIIIII!!!! ~FIN~ Author's Notes: The references to the Matrix are somewhat unoriginal, as I derived at least one of the riffs from Cyrus Marriner's "Flight of the HMS Zap Rowsdower" MST series. Sorry about that...the opportunity was just too good to pass up! Also, for more information on genetic Uplift of primates, be sure to read "Startide Rising," by David Brin...my favorite book. Well, I'm glad that there is MST bait out there other than Richmond's and Tank Cop's, though this was the first one I've done at the request of the writer of the original fic. I've had a request before...but the first request is kinda low on my list because it's already been done.