Author's note/Disclaimer: This is an MST. All names, concepts, references, and indicia thereof used herein are property of their respective owners. The only things I claim for my own are Newjersey Silverwolf and the work I did on the MST. Query> IS IT FEASIBLE TO SUBJECT THE MSTERS TO MORE OF THE WORST SELF-INSERTION EVER CONCOCTED? MAGI DELIBERATING........DONE. MELCHIOR: Affirmative. BALTHAZAR: Affirmative. CASPER: Affirmative. RESULT: 3-0 FOR SUBJECTING THE MSTERS TO MORE OF THE WORST SELF-INSERTION EVER CONCOCTED. MISSION LOG #7: "TALES OF ADAM 3: THE RETURN OF KAGATO" NERV TOP SECRET EYES ONLY...ALL OTHER BODY PARTS PROHIBITED. BALTHAZAR: NERV-MST Episode 7, reeeeeeeel one! MELCHIOR: Didn't you say episode 3 the last time? CASPER: Oh shut up and run the fic... OPENING THEME v.0.1 (To the MST3K theme song) In the not-distant-enough future, Post Third-Impact A.D., The Event Horizon ripped a hole Across causality. A secret group by the name of NERV Tried to find what purpose the hole could serve... Well, the Fourth Impact left them alive, So they had to seal the hole up before Impact number Five! (OH...NOT AGAIN!!!) RITSUKO: I'll test a group with fanfics! The oddest I can find! (la la la) They'll watch them while I monitor Their sync ratios and minds! (la la la) Now keep in mind the mission fails If the world happens to end, But the crew just doesn't know why NERV Has to rearrange their friends... Current Roll Call! San! (Wolf Princess!) Lina! ("DRAGON SLAVE!!!") Newjersey! ("It belongs in a museum!") Parn! (Free Knight!) Harry! (The Boy Who Lived!) RYOOOOOOOOOKO! (Space Pirate!) If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, Well Ritsuko knows the facts. But if you're looking for NERV's MST, Then have a seat and just relax! For NERV's latest conspiracy...Causality! In our last episode, NERV had already entered a first stage alert. As the group--San, Lina Inverse, Newjersey Silverwolf, Parn, Harry Potter, and Ryoko-- enters the control room, still wearing their plug suits, the question of the hour is voiced... RYOKO: Can't we even get a shower first?! LINA: I don't know what you're so pissed about, your hair still hasn't lost its spike. MISATO: Unfortunately, we would have given you some well-deserved R&R...that was part of the reason for having multiple Evangelions. The problem, however, is the timing...the most we can do is... NEWJERSEY: ...yet another substitution. That's usually the tactic, isn't it? RITSUKO: Lina, you're sidelined for this one. LINA: FOOOOOOOD! RITSUKO: Harry, you are too. NERV's laywers are going head-to-head with Rowling's and we need to take the heat off for a while. HARRY: About damn time...maybe my writer can get me out of this job. NEWJERSEY: So what's the situation? Let me guess...another fic-angel. RITSUKO: How did you know? NEWJERSEY: You don't need a Ph.D. to see it. We're all set up in plug suits, and none of us have time in or synchronization with an Eva, so obviously we're not doing an airborne or land-based intercept of a gigantic Angel. Gendo, in his usual high seat overlooking the central control room, in his usual pose, regards Newjersey through his usual red-tinted shades. GENDO: He knows too much. FUYUTSKI: He's an archaeologist. I think that's what he's paid for. Enter Shinji, in his plug suit. SHINJI: I can't believe I'm doing this again. "I mustn't run away" my ass! RYOKO: Well that fills out five seats...what about number six? Just then, the control boards start screaming bloody murder in their own particular electronic ways. MAYA: We're getting a new signal! RITSUKO: Type? SHIGERU: Unknown! Not blue, orange, or red! MAKATO: Whatever it is, it's coming in fast! RITSUKO: Ah...yes. Ryoko, in answer to your question, we took a leaf out of the book of one Loden Taylor...another MST author. So, we decided to reach a little deeper into the causality hole and recruit someone from...shall we say...a higher power. SHINJI: You got Kaoru back?! MISATO: Er...not exactly... NEWJERSEY: You hired Belldandy? A flash of light precedes the arrival of a slim, beautiful figure. Her pointed ears and wings unmistakably mark her as one of the faerie race. She is extremely regal...and boy, is she HOT! MISATO: Belldandy was already booked for a luncheon with Tsunami. I present to you, Queen Titania of the Seelie court of the fae. SHINJI: Stop...me...from...drooooling... PARN: Remember Deed...remember Deed... NEWJERSEY: Um...your majesty... TITANIA: Yes? NEWJERSEY: If I may ask...why are you here? TITANIA: Oh...Oberon suggested I do some community service. I thought it would be good PR... GENDO: I'll insist that you stop with the formalities. You will have no time for them in there. TITANIA: Well, if I must. Surely it can't be any worse than falling in love with a donkey-headed mortal. SHINJI: It's worse. TITANIA: HOW much worse? MISATO: Newjersey, you're our archaeologist, how much do you know about Celtic myth? NEWJERSEY: Well I don't think there's anything around that could kill a faerie...but... RYOKO: I DON'T BELIEVE IN FAERIES! All stop and stare at Ryoko. RYOKO: Just checking. SHINJI: Okay...what's our target? MISATO: Another fic by Adam "Asskicker" Richmond. SHINJI: You're kidding, right? Right?! SAN: I'm feeling...cold...very...very...cold... PARN: This is not going to be fun, is it? NEWJERSEY: Hackyman was a cakewalk compared to a Richmond fic, Parn. SAN: NEWJERSEY, I'M SCARED!!! I...I've ridden into battle and fought 500:1 odds against humans with guns when I only had a KNIFE! I'm SCARED! GENDO: Ritsuko, have Titania fitted out with a plug suit. All of you into the theater. Half an hour later, the MSTers file into the theater. Seating order is, from left to right, Parn, San, Newjersey, Ryoko, Shinji, Titania. Titania seems to be having a bit of trouble managing her wings... TITANIA: This thing chafes! SHINJI: Okay...before anyone makes any mistakes...the screen is protected by an AT field. They use it to keep us from destroying the screen during the fic. If the fic is an angel, we have to look for openings to find the core. TITANIA: And how do we do that? NEWJERSEY: Riff like you've never riffed before. Usually by the end of the fic we're all so sick of it that we just attack the screen anyway. SHINJI: Also, the theater fills up with LCL, that's Link Conduction Liquid. It's oxygenated, so it's breathable. You may experience two things...one, a little nausea when you first inhale. That's normal...two, you may find it easier to MST. PARN: That's very well put, Shinji. SHINJI: Having the most time in an Eva, I had to learn something... MAYA: Filling the Entry Theater... The theatre begins to fill up with the amber LCL. RITSUKO: Commence activation. MAKATO: Power supply connected. MAYA: Commence activation system. SHIGERU: Initiating first-stage connections. MAYA: Voltage climbing to border-line. SHIGERU: Initiating second-stage connections. MAKATO: Theater has activated. MISATO: LAUNCH! > Kagato's return PARN: I'm sorry, Mr. Kagato, but you'll have to have a recipt to make a refund or an exchange. NEWJERSEY: Damn. > by > Adam Richmond TITANIA: Will he be the recipient of some faerie curse? REST OF CAST: WE HOPE SO!!! TITANIA: Goodness, is he that bad? SHINJI: You have no idea... > >Events refered to are in 'The meeting of a new friend' and 'The >return of Adam' RYOKO: Gah...is he expecting us to WANT to remember his crap?! > >chapter 1: We're back! NEWJERSEY: And boy, are we pissed! > >Having just got back from visiting some friends, Adam and Ryoko >were totally unprepared for what met them, an army of Kagato's. SHINJI: Since when did Kagato have an army? I thought he always worked solo. NEWJERSEY: Ours is not to reason why. Ours is just...well, to supply some reason to this. >"what the?! this is beyond a joke, I mean AN ARMY against two >people" TITANIA: no, really, I think narrator mentioned it before, but do you really think so? >sighed Adam taking up a fighting stance while Ryoko just >stood there RYOKO: Yep, shred the guy to pieces, don't stop on my account. >staring at the room full of Kagato's, SAN: Full of Kagato's *what?* >when one stepped >forward and said "welcome to your worst nightmare". RYOKO: Aeka getting Tenchi? NEWJERSEY: A trip to the vet? SAN: The annihilation of the forest? PARN: Losing Deedlit? SHINJI: Waking up without my penis? TITANIA: A invasion of Teletubbies upon Arcadia? The cast stops to look at Titania. TITANIA: What? Those things are scary! >As Adam moved >his hands, PARN: Uh...no, this is NOT something we need to see! >blue trails of light followed the path of his hands SHINJI: Whooooaaaaaahhhhhh...the colors, the colors... >and >the trails cut anything apart that was in the way, using this he >killed several of the Kagato's in one sweep of his hands while >Ryoko was throwing laser blasts everywhere "its no good we need >help" SAN: Professional help. Maybe go straight to the frontal lobotomy. >"that gives me an idea, Sarah, change into a werewolf NEWJERSEY: Okay, that does it, this guy is making it personal. >and >help us, Pikame, go!" he said as he threw the pokeball with great >force, which struck a Kagato, killing him. PARN: I guess that's the extent of Adam's balls. TITANIA: Let us hope so. >Even with the creatures >help they were losing this battle, SHINJI: ...as well as numerous apostrophes. > when suddenly there was a loud >explosion NEWJERSEY: damn burritos. >and as Adam was battling away he saw the two guyvers who >helped him previously (in the meeting of a new friend) had came to >his aid but they were soon out numbered, TITANIA: I'm sensing a pattern here...first they're winning, then they're losing, then they're winning, then they're losing... >when Adam suddenly got an SHINJI: ...Aneurism. >idea, SHINJI: Damn. >he could summon a creature to help them but first they gotta >get outside before he would do it (because that way he could get >away from the Kagato's and do the summoning motions) PARN: A quick hint here, Adam..."pocket pool" does not count as summoning motions. >"o.k. lets >take this outside, guys" said Adam grabbing Ryoko RYOKO: HEY! HANDS OFF, YOU PERVERT! DON'T TOUCH THAT! > and sticking to >the ceiling like spiderman (also this was done by Dracula in the >film 'Bram Stokers Dracula'), TITANIA: We've secretly switched the natural adhesive in Adam's hands with superglue. Let's see if he notices the difference. SHINJI: Uh...help? I can't...get...down! NEWJERSEY: You picked up the MST3K gig pretty quick, Titania. TITANIA: And why not? Puck watches that show every week! >the two guyvers managed to blast >their way through to the outside where adam gathered them up and >told them the plan. SAN: Statue of liberty play on one, on one! PARN: Suppose we build this large wooden badger... >"o.k. guys, great timing, now the plan is you >guys protect me as I summon some 'help', got that?" RYOKO: i.e., run like a bitch and call 911. NEWJERSEY: Okay, what's the nature of your emergency THIS time? >"what do you >mean, you summon some 'help', we were strugling in there!" yelled >Sho, "well, do we summon some big fuck off monster SHINJI: Hey, keep it in your pants there! >to kill or maim >the army or do we do what we did in there?" "how do we know that >these monsters won't turn on us?" SAN: Yeah! You know the idea of a big furry lupine monster kinda turns me on... Newjersey shifts to werewolf form. SAN: ...oooooohhhhkay. PARN: What gives, Newjersey? How come she hasn't flat-out rejected you yet like most anibabes reject MSTers? NEWJERSEY: I learn from their fatal mistakes. I save my hentai for the riffs, and I try to tread the fine line between "not wanting sex" and "sex crazed." >asked Ryoko remebering the >incident in the onsen where they met Mihoshi, "because they do >their special attack then leave, unless I use my magic but I'm too >weak SHINJI: What's THIS? Adam has a weakness? He ACTUALLY has a weakness?! RYOKO: Yeah. He can't use grammar worth a damn. >to make them stay and anyway there is an army that I can call >on" "well lets go then" said Agito. TITANIA: You know, if I read over the dialogue without the riffs and rants, I find...it makes no sense whatsoever. I'm losing track of who's talking. > Ryoko and the two guyvers were >using laser blasts to keep the Kagatos at bay while Adam >concentrated on bringing forth the creatures, PARN: i.e., he was imagining Ryoko naked. RYOKO: That's about as far as he'll ever get. >Adam did a strange >motion with his hands, CAST: NOOOO! PARN: Oh Marfa, I'm blind! TITANIA: Not even the lewdest satyr would... SHINJI: Was THAT what people thought I was doing over Asuka in End of Eva?! SAN: I'm gonna be sick... >when suddenly they disappered RYOKO: Leaving nothing but two bloody stumps. The arterial spray depleted his blood supply and he died of shock in under a minute. The end. >and the >ground swelled up and a monster burst from the ground and fliped >over a section of the ground with some Kagato's on it, NEWJERSEY: Final Fantasy VII summon sequence. Can't remember which one that was, though. SHINJI: Bahamut? RYOKO: No, Bahamut's the big-ass dragon. I think it's Titan. It's been a while since I played the game. >"wow, that >was some attack, do another!"said Ryoko estactily while throwing >bolts of energey left, right and centre, so Adam did, execpt when >they all disappered and a blue woman appeared and used an ice >attack on some of the Kagato's, and when the ice shattered so did >most of the Kagato's. NEWJERSEY: I think that was Shiva. > The Kagato's had one last trick up their >sleeve, TITANIA: An army of Kagato clones all fitting into one set of clothes? SAN: I'm confused. I am really confused. >they put Tenchi and the others in front of them and one of >the Kagato's said "now lets see you use one of your monsters" PARN: Back attack. > so >Adam obliged and to the Kagato's horror Tenchi and the others >disappeared and suddenly the ground dented in and 12 knights RYOKO: Oh I know this one. Knights of the Round. NEWJERSEY: Yep. Forty-five minutes until the damage starts landing. Want to grab a sandwich? SHINJI: Can't. We're all stuck in here unless they eject the theater. NEWJERSEY: Right. Damn. Well at least it's only rendered cut scene instead of the fanfic. TITANIA: I don't get it...why do you pay attention to this crap? RYOKO: According to the NERV people, we're supposed to be dealing with two kinds of Angels. One of which is the big-ass Angel that we fight with the Evangelions. The other is a more sinister Angel, something too small to hit with an Eva yet potent enough to be a threat. TITANIA: So this fic is... RYOKO: You got it. PARN: Hey! The cutscene's finishing! NEWJERSEY: Already? SHINJI: This author writes too fast for his own good...so fast in fact he has trouble completing sentences. PARN: Caution: Be sure brain is connected before engaging fingers. >each >did a deffernet attack and then suddenly a huge knight appeared >opened his cape SAN: Oh look. He's flashing the kagatos. >and used a huge sword on the Kagatos, SAN: That could just SO be taken the wrong way... TITANIA: UGH! NEWJERSEY: Relax, Titania, it's either we breathe each other's vomit--which obscures the fic, or we refrain from vomiting and see the fic in all its clarity. TITANIA: Oh what a choice that is. >then there >was a blinding light and Adam, Ryoko and the others were alone, >there was no more Kagato's to deal with when suddenly a voice >boomed out "You may of won the battle but not the war!" SHINJI: The war for good grammar took a serious hit in that battle...but rest assured, linguistics will prevail! >that voice >belonged to a VERY pissed off Kagato. "Thanks guys for helping us, >again" "no problem" said Agito as he and Sho left. PARN: Gah. What a loser. NEWJERSEY: Yeah. I don't see why we don't just tear out his control metal and hit him with the megasmashers. PARN: Can't. It's in the Guyver Union Contract. NEWJERSEY: Dammit. Maybe we should renegotiate. > >Chapter 2: let me see your balls! > CAST: NO!!! >"wow that was some show with them monsters, were did they come >from?" asked Sasami, "from my balls" replied Adam, to which he got >a glaring look from Ayeka RYOKO: If Adam said that to Sasami, he'd get more than a glaring look from Aeka...he'd probably get the eleven fatal words. SAN: The eleven fatal words? RYOKO: Azaka! Kamidake! I command you to put that scoundrel to death! SHINJI: Yep, that's eleven fatal words, all right. >"on my watch" continued Adam waiting for >the shock to die down from what he first said. TITANIA: Some men wear their hearts on their sleeves...but their libido? This is just ludicrous. >"may I examine your >balls?" asked Washu trying to make it sound not as dirty as when >she usally said it to Adam NEWJERSEY: Noooooo Adam...bad idea. VERY bad idea. SHINJI: Washu hasn't made much progress even when he was unconcious. NEWJERSEY: DON'T REMIND ME OF PREVIOUS ADAM FICS! SHINJI: I'll be good. >"what the one on my watch?" asked Adam >knowing the answer (both yes and no), PARN: Ambiguity is not always a good thing, Adam... >this left Washu a deep >crimson, Minagi with a twinkle in her eye, and Kiyone with a dirty >smile. SAN: And all of them with thoughts of slaying the fic writer. >Later Washu was examining Adam's balls (this isn't a lemon! >so keep it clean), ALL: TOO LATE! > "interesting, such small things yet so much >power, just like Ryoko's gems, tell me again what the colours >mean" asked Washu while examining a little red ball " the red are >monsters, the pink increase health, magic and a few other things, >the yellow increase abilitys, the green contain magic and the blue >must be linked with either a green or red to get it to work" RYOKO: Okay, let's make this clear. Red is summon, so he got that partially right. Pink is noncombative materia, like Chocobo Lure. Yellow does not increase abilities, it adds skills that weren't there before. Green and blue he got right. NEWJERSEY: I'd say he gets partial credit for this answer. >"so a >'support', clever" "actually its 100% natural" this made Washu >drop the colouered ball she was examining which was a blue one, >"what? you mean that these are natural? and not made by man?" SAN: Yes, that's usually the definition of "natural." >"yes, but the man made sutff is used to power machines not for >magic" "was it this powerful when you got it?" "no I powered it up >by equping it and going into battle in the world I got them from" >"did you buy them or find them?" "neither, I was given the >offspring of fully powered ones and I just powered them up fully" TITANIA: I'm getting...dizzy... PARN: Is it just me or hasn't he mastered the use of the period key? NEWJERSEY: It's not just you. That and he hasn't mastered the use of the line break between speakers in dialogue text. >"did you say 'offspring?' said washu with a puzzled look on her >face, SHINJI: I wonder how he managed to get concert tickets. PARN: And all the girlies say he's pretty fly... RYOKO: For an Earth guy. >"yes, when Materia is fully powered up or 'mastered' then a >new one is 'born' without the full power" SAN: What, no sex? Er...on second thought, maybe "sex" and this author need not be combined. >"VERY interesting, how >are these equiped?" "in armour and weapons." said Adam replacing >the last peice of materia back into his watch strap SHINJI: I don't think FFVII will let you equip a watch...or even add materia to auxiliary equipment. >"how many >different 'materias' are there?" "as many as there are on my >watch" he said as he left the lab. TITANIA: Whew! I never thought he'd leave. >ON his way out he spotted Ryoko >relaxing on a beam, seizing his chance he jumped up and pushed >Ryoko off and caught her before she hit the floor RYOKO: The author is of course assuming I would fall, let alone HIT the floor. >"careful now, I >might not always be here to catch you" "bastard, you pushed me" >"yeah, and" "well you wait until your asleep" "ok" "dinners >ready!" called Sasami. PARN: Sasami called all that? Sounds like a case of schizophrenia. >At luch NEWJERSEY: What is this "luch?" Is it before or after lunch? Does the size of the serving constitute a snack or a meal? > Adam sat opposite Ryoko and >everytime she looked at the tv SAN: Wrong room. >he would use his chop sticks to >steal Ryoko's food RYOKO: Oh, this guy has a death wish. >and then wait until she noticed that it was >missing to flick it back at her and this lasted for 5 miniutes RYOKO: Probably because that's how long he lasted through the chakra torture. Wimp. >because Washu who sat between them banged their heads together >after Ryoko flicked something back and it went wide and landed in >Washu's hair, PARN: Titania, explain something to me. TITANIA: Very well... PARN: If Washu is sitting between Adam and Ryoko, is it possible for Adam to snag Ryoko's food with his chopsticks without Washu making a fuss? TITANIA: If he's flexible enough, sure. That might explain how his head got where it is. PARN: Okay, then if Adam flicks something back at Ryoko, and the shot goes *wide* as he says, why would it land in Washu's hair, instead of somewhere across the table? TITANIA: You know, Parn, not even in Arcadia are mortal physics so warped. This kid has problems...and coming from me, that's saying something. >then suddenly Adam's phone rang with the Samurai >pizza cats theme NEWJERSEY: I hate those damn phones that play theme music. I know it helps identify whose phone is ringing...but if I hear one more rendition of "The Entertainer..." SHINJI: This has about as much impressiveness as the Power Rangers being paged with their own theme song. >"hello, Adam asskicker here, makes pizza's so >fast their cooked as their being made! what can I do for you? ALL: END THE FUCKING FIC!!! THEN KILL YOURSELF! >well >there's no need for that answer, but seriously what's the matter?" TITANIA: He just doesn't listen, does he? >he said as he sipped his tea, "what?!, how?, I'll be right there!" PARN: Large pepperoni paragraph with extra commas! Coming up! >"what's the matter" asked Ryoko as Adam slowly put down his cup >and put his phone back on his belt "its the enemy of the pizza >cats, he's captured the princess, the emperor, the palace, the B >sqaud and two of the three Pizza cats, on of which is very close >to me" SAN: ...too much said. > "I'm coming with you, so that I can help you" "no, Ryoko >you will stay here incase Kagato returns" "but.." "no buts!" " ok, >but, please be careful, I'd like you back in one piece" "so come >back in a little box? I'll see what I can do" and he left before >Ryoko could say anything more. RYOKO: Why would I need to? He just stole the perfect riff! NEWJERSEY: Not that perfect...he could come back in several chinese take-out boxes. RYOKO: Point. That is better. > >Chapter 3: The big cheese and Kagato? TITANIA: Will their marraige last? > >Adam arrived at the samurai pizza cats parlour just in time to see >the big cheeses latest weapon, PARN: ...a hunk of limberger and a blowtorch. SHINJI: I thought that kind of chemical warfare was outlawed by the Geneva Convention. > a giant dog-man with a pin-wheel >saw as a weapon and above it looked like a ship that resembled the >Galoob, NEWJERSEY: So...a dog-man with a circular saw and a starship. This guy needs to fire Dr. Seuss as his defense contractor. >"oh, good your here! Polly and Speedy are trapped inside >the flying machine following the robot, Gudio was the only one >that escaped, the supreme catatonic was disabled and the guy >piolting the ship looks like Dracula on that tape we watched a >while back, execpt he had grey hair, green eyes, and wore white >gloves" said Francine, SAN: ...still feeling the effects of thirty-nine espressos. PARN: Maybe I should tape that and play it back in slow motion? >Adam changed into Kagato and said >"Francine, does this look like the guy?" RYOKO: No, but could you stay like that? I'm sick of looking at you as you are. >"yes, just like that" >Adam changed back and sort of shrunk. SHINJI: Rats, didn't they know I'm "Dry Clean Only?" >"well what are we waiting >for?" asked Guido Anchovy, "I think we had better call for >reinforcements, cause this bastards tough, I just killed an army >of 'em" "hold on a minute, did you say an army, man I wish I had >been there" TITANIA: Who's talking when now? NEWJERSEY: I've given up keeping track. > suddenly a voice was heard "Adam, Ryoko want's to >speak to you" "put her through", then the voice changed in to >Ryoko's RYOKO: Adam, I told you never to call me again. PARN: But...you called me! RYOKO: Well don't call me again! > "Adam, what's going on?" ALL: We're STILL trying to figure THAT out! > "I found Kagato, he's flying >around outside as I speak" there was silence followed by an >explosion "what the?!" said Francine and Guido simuatiniously, and >Ryoko's voice was heard "Adam are you alright? answer me!" "yeah, >I'm fine" RYOKO: Damn. Thought for sure he was toast that time. >and with that he left the parlour heading for the royal >pandogla, along the way he noticed a small boy was following him, >he took a corner and when the boy came round Adam discovered that >the boy was a exact replicant of Tenchi NEWJERSEY: Okay, stop, when has Tenchi been both a small boy AND an adolescent?! If that's an exact copy, then it's NOT a small boy! > "why, hello there" it said >summoning a lightsword, Adam just stood ther and quick as a flash, >he grabbed the robot, ripped its head off and then dismembered it. >"there that was fun" said Adam and he contined his journy, TITANIA: I'm off to see the wizard... SAN: If I only had a brain... >then >the giant robot attacked him blowing him away with a barrage of >missles "hahahaha, that, that you pile of execrement," PARN: Somebody got censored! >"you >b..b.bastard! you killed him, when I get free you will pay!" >screamed Polly esther, SHINJI: I wanted to kill him! You bastard! I never get any fun! >while Speedy cerviche just looked at the >screen where the ground was still smoking. "ooyyaajjii!" was >heard, RYOKO: Okay, the bad news is, Adam's still alive. The good news is, based on that sound, someone just kicked him in the crotch. > and suddenly red lights started to flash, "no, it can't >be!" TITANIA: Not the red disco lights! >and then on the monitor, walking out of the smoke was Adam >wearing his solid armour, closing the cannon on his wrist, he >spoke "you cannot kill me, for I am ALL: THE SHAMELESS SI! >death" and with great speed he >closed the ground between him and the robot in mere secomds. SHINJI: I wasn't aware there was a hole in the ground to begin with. >"if >you want you friends unharmed, then let me continue" "no, don't do >it Adam" said Polly, Kagato turned with lightning speed and >slapped Polly, knocking her unconcious "you bastard" said Speedy >in contempt, Adam saw this through a holographic screen Kagato had >projected, SHINJI: I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away... PARN: What's his problem? NEWJERSEY: When the fic gets too bad, Shinji does this to keep from panicking. > "you will die for rasing a hand and a lady SAN: You would think that raising a young girl into a lady might be complimented, rather than punished. >and because >it was Polly, you will DIE" RYOKO: With all CAPS, even! > and with amazing speed he smashed PARN: ...a wine bottle over his head for the hell of it. >through the robot and straight into the cockpit of the ship "well, >well lokked what the cat dragged in" said Kagato, looking at Adam >in his solid armour TITANIA: ...hot dogs. >, "I don't want to mess up the brilint paint >job, but you must die" Kagato said swinging a plasma blade at Adam >who doged as if it was a feather SHINJI: Oh hell, he's misusing simile...I mustn't run away... NEWJERSEY: This'll be more fun than a pair of pants full of geckos! > and then got twin blades to >sprout from the wrists and soon they were going tooth and nail >when Adam saw an opening and he drove a blade throught Kagato's >side RYOKO: Typical Adam Richmond...obscure action, and then his self-indulgent victories. > "aahh! playtime is over, bio-booster activation" suddenly >Kagato was engulfed in bio-armour "These 'guyver' units are >amazing are they not?" SAN: Well no, considering everyone and his brother has one in this fic... > asked Kagato as he knocked Adam down as if >he was a kitten. NEWJERSEY: Miya! >Kagato was beating the hell out of Adam when >suddenly he turned TITANIA: ...Into a newt! PARN: I got better... SHINJI: I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away... > and there was Gudio standing there with blood >dripping off his sword, Kagato looked down at his wound and >laughed RYOKO: HA HA HA HA HA! I have no blood, you fool! SAN: But I used the sword, and there's blood on it...oh dear. >as it healed back up with great speed "fool" he said as he >hurled NEWJERSEY: Oh great. The fic is making Kagato puke too. SHINJI: I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away... > Guido across the room, when he landed he was unconcious >"what, what happened?" asked Polly as she came round to see the >tangled mess that was Guido, and behind him was a strange green >guyver PARN: That'll happen if you leave your Kagato out of the refrigerator too long. >standing over Adam in his solid armour. "the end is near, Ryoko looks at the scroll bar. ----> RYOKO: Not near enough. MISATO: Fourth wall! RYOKO: Screw the fourth wall, look at Shinji! SHINJI: I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away... MISATO: Er, he's fine. By the way, there's something I've got to tell you... NEWJERSEY: The pattern is blue, like the last two Adam fics? MISATO: Er...yep! NEWJERSEY: And the eject signal isn't being received? MISATO: That about sums it up. SHINJI: I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away... >for you death" Kagato said mockingly "well it isn't over yet" Adam >replied, puching Kagato in the chest, which resulted in Kagato >flying through the air, and he landed on his feet "ha, I >underestimated you, again, now die" PARN: I thought MST's were supposed to be more than a rant-fest...yet all that's coming to mind is slaying the fic author. > said Kagato powering up the >mega smasher, Adam just stood there as the mega smasher fired and >opened his torso to reveal TITANIA: ...his intestines! >a mega smasher type weapon and he >absorbed the blast and returned fire, "nnnooo, I am defeated >again!" NEWJERSEY: I'm getting really tired of this! SHINJI: I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away... > screamed Kagato as he and half the ship was vaporised, >Adam turned to Polly and said "you ok?" Polly just nodded >blushing, Adam freed the two pizza cats and then checked on Guido >before turning around and saying RYOKO: ...He's dead, Jim. > "well, he'll need an asprin, a >few days off work and plenty of rest, and Polly you need a" he >came over and whispered the rest into her ear, which made her go >even more red, SAN: Why that filty...perverted... > "well, I gotta go" he said turning away, recalling >the armour and putting his hat back on, he turned, waved goodbye >and opened a portal and left. SHINJI: I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away... > >chapter 4: I'm sick of this crap > SHINJI: So am I! I'm outta here! NEWJERSEY: Shinji, SIT DOWN! TITANIA: I put thee into an ENCHANTED SLEEP! Titania whacks Shinji over the head with a magical hentai mallet labeled with the words "Enchanted Sleep" in Kanji. >Adam walked through the portal expecting to find dinner and Ryoko ALL THE GIRLS: CHAUVANIST PIG!!! >waiting for him but the house was completly empty and dinner >wasn't even on the stove, when Adam sat down he noticed a note >with his name on it, RYOKO: Dear Adam, I'm leaving you, which isn't saying much, considering we never had a relationship to begin with. The rest of us are leaving you too. We've set up a fifty-megaton strategic thermonuclear warhead under your feet, which should detonate by the time you finish reading this note. Stay in hell where you belong. Signed, Ryoko. REST OF CAST (except for Shinji): BOOM! > he picked it up and it read: PARN: Duh, hukt on fonix wurkt fur mee! > 'please help us >Kagato SHINJI: Well I'm trying, but Adam "Assmunch" there keeps killing me off! TITANIA: You know, enchanted slumber doesn't last as long as it used to. PARN: Well don't faeries use magic spells to do that? TITANIA: Well I could...but right now this is more fun! > has captured all of us and will kill Tenchi if he finds you >interfering. Ryoko.' "That slimly s.o.b, he must pay for screwing NEWJERSEY: ...when I can get my screwing for free! San whacks Newjersey over the head with a mystical hentail mallet. SAN: Are all men like this?! RYOKO: It's only consistent in here. The men get to hit us back though...that's gender equality for you. TITANIA: That's wrong! RYOKO: Tell me about it. I'm still hoping one of 'em will land a blow that'll knock me out so I don't have to put up with the fic. SAN: It was really nice of you to leave a note saying that you were being captured. RYOKO: Might have been better if the note weren't actually true. >up my love life!" and with that Adam opened a portal to his garage >and pushed a strange looking motorbike outside where he opened >another portal and rode it through. Adam had soon located the ship >althrough it was cloaked, PARN: Kinda defeats the purpose of a cloak, doesn't it? > he pressed a button on the handle bars >and suddenly where the bike was, there stood a big robot, looking >around the robot used a blast of energy from its hand to pierice >the sided of the ship, NEWJERSEY: I think this fic was written under the influence of cough syrup. >and the robot entered the ship. Kagato was >busy toying with Tenchi RYOKO: First one to make a "Pulp Fiction" reference dies. >to notice that on the screen the robot >walked past a camera, "tell me how you summoned the light hawk >wings!" "I don't know and neither does Washu" "so even the top >scientst in the universe is stumped, how interesting" SHINJI: This guy does not comprehend the use of the period key, does he? >"I know how >he summoned them" came a voice issuing from the robot "really, how >then?" "he just did" "who are you!" NEWJERSEY: I'm Batman. PARN: Your worst nightmare. > "a friend" was the reply "now >let Tenchi and the others go and I will tell you how he really >summoned the light hawk wings" "deal, goodbye Tenchi it was fun >hurting you but all good things come to an end" TITANIA: I guess that's why this fic just goes on and on and on... > and with that a >hole opened up and Tenchi was pushed out of it, "Kagato, you >bastard!" said the robot as he went to save Tenchi but Kagato >stopped him "tell me how or he dies" "here, I'll show you >instead!" said the robot as the light hawk wings formed but they >were black SAN: You idiot, you put the Light Hawk wings in with the colored laundry, didn't you?! > "what?! those are the night hawk wings!, how?" was >Kagato's last words as he was rendered into little pieces RYOKO: "Rendered" into little pieces? NEWJERSEY: Damn cheap computer graphics software! >as >everyone watched from the wall, "wow, the night hawk wings, I >though they were a myth but..." "just don't go nowhere, I'll save >Tenchi and then come back and save you lot" SHINJI: Yeah yeah, just get on with it. >and with that the >robot burst through the base of the ship ang caught Tenchi a few >feet off the ground "thanks, but you cut it rather close didn't >you?" "well, thank you, stranger for just catching me and saving >me from my death, for snaching me from the jaws of death" "hey, >your Adam, in there aren't you?" the robot just scratched it's >head PARN: ...turning Tenchi into an unrecognizable bloody smear. SHINJI: Whoops! Wrong hand. >and said "well, I had better save the others, er, bye" and it >flew off. "that was amazing, how did you summon the night hawk >wings?" asked Washu, examining the robot as it freed the others, >regretting letting Washu free first, he turned to her and said >"exactly the same way as Tenchi can summon the light hawk wings" SAN: Oh...so you don't know either, huh? >"but you should know how you did it because you just did, and >right on cue I might add" the robot turned away and strode over to >the control pannel and started to type exetremely fast and >suddenly the ship started to descend "how did you know how to.." >"I read Kagato's mind and absorbed all his knowlage" SAN: But what about his *knowledge?* SHINJI: Well...er... TITANIA: You imbecile, you shut off the engines! We're going to crash! RYOKO: Mihoshi! This is all your fault, Mihoshi! We're going to die because of you, Mihoshi! TITANIA: Adam shut off the engines, how is it Mihoshi's fault? RYOKO: ...because it just is! > said the >robot an the visor slid up "Adam! but why didn't you say that you >could summon night hawk wings?" asked Washu shocked, surprised, >feeling a whole lot of emotions. NEWJERSEY: Anger... SAN: Revulsion... SHINJI: Apathy... > "because I didn't think.." PARN: No argument here... >"damn >right!" PARN: Wow, no argument from the fic cast, either. > "Washu! he has just saved our lives AND Tenchi's and this >is how you thank him?" said Ryoko, "no, but" replied Washu looking >at the floor, RYOKO: I can't believe he's using linoleum on this deck! Tile would be much better! > "now girls, lets concentrate on getting off the >ship" SHINJI: Lucky ship... Ryoko blasts Shinji. >said Kiyone as the door opened "thank you for flying >Asskicker flights, please don't bother again" RYOKO: If only we could. > muttered Adam as he >left the ship which took off again and shot into space where it >exploded. TITANIA: Hmmm...third time this week that's happened. Wonder what does that? > Adam soon turned the robot back into a motorbike and got >off, opened a portal and pushed it through only to return driving >a machine that looked like a land rover and a camper van in one, NEWJERSEY: See your local Winnebago dealer for more details! >"right who wants a lift?" asked Adam leaning out of the drivers >side winking at Ryoko who just gave him the finger. RYOKO: Is that...an actual IC moment for me? Wow...spooky. > >Chapter 6: no rest for the wicked > PARN: So this MST thing is punishment for some heinous crime? I wish I knew what we did... >During the drive back to Tenchi's house they picked up Tenchi SHINJI: I thought Tenchi was with the rest of the cast. > and >went to town and when they got back they found Kagato The cast groans. SAN: This is, what, the fourth resurrection of Kagato, if you count that army of clones as a single resurrection? >sitting in a >chair, watching tv, RYOKO: ...having a bud... TITANIA: True, true... > he turned to face them as a dozen sets of >hands grabbed them, NEWJERSEY: I don't believe this...you can't seem to go anywhere in this fic without Kagato trying to cop a feel, can you, Ryoko? >"my, my, aren't we back late?" SHINJI: You know your curfew was twenty minutes ago. You're all grounded! >"eat shit and >die" spat Minagai, "now is that any way to treat a guest?" SAN: Sorry. Eat shit and die, *please.* >"if >your the guest, then yes" said Adam, Strugling, "its useless to >struggle, their made from wonderful stuff, Adamantium" Adam >stopped struggling and just looked at Kagato "how?" RYOKO: You've forgotten how to look, haven't you? Use your eyes. > "simple really >I just made my own interdimentional gateway, and I can go to >places that I have the co-ordinates for, like little tokyo, >Castlevania, althrough Castlevaina only appears every 100 years, >"how did you know that?" asked Adam "I read it in the instructions >manual of your game, quite a good game as well. PARN: So now Kagato knows about the sources of Adam's power...why doesn't he just kill him off and save us the suffering?! >I liked playing >that street fighter game, althrough some moves that I've felt, >don't look as good on the game" SHINJI: Try the Dreamcast version, I think you'll like that one better. > "I challenge you to a game of >street fighter alpha 3, if I win, you will leave this universe and >never return, if you win, then I will give you my powers and leave >this world forever, deal?" said Adam, NEWJERSEY: You know, resting the fate of the world on a video game makes about as much sense as tiddly-winks to first blood. PARN: Or Karaoke to the death. > "Deal" replied Kagato as the >hands released Adam. They sat in opposite chairs, cables away from >the other person, so there was no cheating, the pause button was >disabled (pulled out of the pad), RYOKO: Well that would make starting the battle a little tricky, if they couldn't get past the title screen, namely where it says "Press start to continue." > and the time was set to infinte, >with three rounds, TITANIA: If Kagato's smart, he'll load those three rounds into a gun and put all of them into Adam's head. > "wait a minute, I wanna put my memory card in" >said Adam putting in a black memory card with had red writing on >it saying 'fighting' "there" said Adam with glee, SAN: Leave me out of this fic. > "lets go" said >Kagato in a low voice. The characters they chose were Akuma (which >Adam had sneakly powered up insanely by going through the world >tour mode) and Zangief (Kagato was trying to be smart by using a >crap person ), SHINJI: So much for "there was no cheating." > "Ready? fight!" yelled the computer as >Akuma took a step and let loose a fireball which hit Zanigef while >he was doing a drop kick, then Zangief grabbed Akuma with an >aerial russian slam NEWJERSEY: Isn't that some kind of mixed drink? RYOKO: Yeah...Aeka made one for me. That'll knock your socks off, I tell ya... > wich used all of his super combo bar PARN: Sorry, bar's closed until we restock. Those aerial russian slams sure use up a lot of liquor. > and >reduced Akuma to half health and after a hurricane kick and a >dragon punch, Zangief was down to just under half health when Adam >delivered the finsihing blow for the round, the hell blink murder. TITANIA: Why can't he describe his battle sequences with such detail? NEWJERSEY: I think he lives his life in video games. Go figure. >the next round went to Kagato by keeping Adam in the corner of the >screen PARN: Hey! Stop smudging the TV screen! > but when he next tryed it Adam used the teleport move and >then he used the messatsu gou shoryu (dragon puch combo) followed >by the messatsu gou hado (fireball super combo) and to finish him >off, a light jab. SHINJI: ...With a garnish of parsley. SAN: Was this real or in the game? NEWJERSEY: Do I have to repeat myself? > "what?! impossible!, oh, well I admit defeat" RYOKO: I have a hard time believing that...if ANYTHING in this fic were believable. >"that was a good battle, Kagato" "before I leave, you will DIE" RYOKO: Never mind. That sounds more like the Kagato I know. >said Kagato lunging at Adam who neatly side stepped and broke >Kagato's neck with a snap. PARN: Two snaps up! > "well I had better prepare dinner! look >at how late it is" TITANIA: Oh right, forget about the rotting corpse on the floor. Maybe it'll make a nice conversation piece. >" hey Sasamai, RYOKO: Who the fuck is Sasamai?! > leave dinner and we'll just >order a pizza" "do you know the number of the pizza parlour? and >will it be here before its cold?" " I know the number and yes it >will be hot" NEWJERSEY: That's why they call it a hotline. REST OF CAST: UGH! > Adam took out his phone and dialed the number of the >samurai pizza cats "hello I would like to order a large pizza with >everything but any sea food on it, SAN: ADAM?! How many times do I have to tell you to never call me again? If I even hear your voice one more time I'm calling the cops! >no, I wouldn't like it >delivered because I'll pick it up in a while, ok, francine?, bye. >right the pizza will take 5 minuites so lets kick back and relax" PARN: He really has no concept of time, does he? >said Adam sitting back in the chair, SHINJI: If there's any justice in the universe, it's the electric chair. > then after a few minuites >Adam's phone rang with the pizza cats theme to which Adam got up, >opened a portal stuck his head and shoulders through TITANIA: At the risk of sounding dark... NEWJERSEY: Not that we blame you at this point, Titania. TITANIA: ...wouldn't it be so fortuitous if the portal closed right now, shearing him in half? > and took a >pizza and seemed to have an argument with the person on the other >side about taking his money, while Sasami dished out the pizza >"there they finally took the cash, I hate it when they don't" said >Adam sitting down to eat the pizza. RYOKO: They should accept my payment of Monopoly money. > >Chapter 7: the secret of the hawk wings > >The next day, Washu was relentlessly interogating Adam SAN: Are you a shameless self-insertion character? PARN: Yes. SAN: Have you ever used the powers of more than twenty other characters? PARN: Yes... SAN: Are you, in fact, overcompensating for an inadequacy problem? PARN: YES! YES! IT'S ALL TRUE! I have a tiny penis! >about how >he summoned the night hawk wings and when he refused to to tell >her, she started to fire at him with a plasma cannon, which Adam >doged effortlessly "yawn, is that the best you can do?" RYOKO: Mom can do better. She could just type C:\>DEL ADAM on her holotop. > taunted >Adam, doging several blasts at once, "just summon the damn wings" >"ok then, night, light, fallen angel, angel or bat?" "what do you >mean?" "well I can sprout white feather wings, black feather wings >and bat style wings" SHINJI: Ever get the feeling that this guy is just padding his resume? > "the night hawk wings, prat" NEWJERSEY: Since when was Washu British? >Adam obliged but >summoned the light hawk wings, "hey, they're the light hawk wings! >how did you?" TITANIA: The same way he does everything else, by WRITING IT INTO THE STORY! Tuatha...this guy does more damage with a few keystrokes than Puck does by botching a mission. > "the same way as the night hawk wings" "well the >wings are just the opposites of each other, the two sides of a >coin, one good, the other evil" "the ying and yang of power" said >Adam, NEWJERSEY: As the resident linguist...it is my professional opinion that this dialogue makes no sense. RITSUKO: Maybe next time we get a fic we should try insterting the page breaks first. It should make it a bit more intelligible while preserving the original content. NEWJERSEY: Six of one, half a dozen of the other. I'm not sure I want to understand this. Then again, it might make MSTing a bit easier if we could follow the damn dialogue... > "correct, now how do you summon them?" "well, its a secret" PARN: You see, I've turned into Xelloss now. >"hey, whats going on here?" said Ayeka, survaying the damage, >"nothing" repiled Adam and Washu at the same time, "well, Ryoko >want's to see you Adam, and Washu, Yosho wants to talk to you" and >with that Ayeka left and so did Adam and Washu. RYOKO: Yep, just keep leaving, the fic's over... > At the shine SHINJI: I didn't know Yosho dealt in shoe polish. >keepers logding, Yosho was speaking with Washu, "today I felt a >huge surge of power, the power of both the light hawk and the dark >hawk wings, do you know what was the cause?" SAN: I thought Yosho had a knack for knowing everything, or else he kept his mouth shut. NEWJERSEY: Well if you buy into the OAV continuity, and Yosho is putting up the old-age visage as a front, he's probably acting out senility. > Washu just looked at >the former prince of Jurai and replied that it was Adam who used >the night hawk wings and had just used the light hawk wings, >"interesting and you say he's not from Jurai? very strange" said >Yosho looking puzzled, meanwhile back with the lovers, Adam and >Ryoko were just sitting talking, RYOKO: The author is implying that I...love...ADAM?! Oh he is going to DIE! > "do.. you still love your wife?" SAN: Because it'd be a real shame if something happened to her... >said Ryoko looking over the lake, "yes, but I love you just as >much" replied Adam looking into the water as a shoal of fish swam >past, "Adam.. I want you to be honest, how do you feel about the >others?" SHINJI: Well I'm tired of my automatic SI attraction with the opposite sex, because I'm really in love with Tenchi. > she said facing Adam, who just looked into the sky and >said, TITANIA: OW! Dammit, I got bird crap in my eye! > "why do you ask me these questions? and anyway, I love them >like a family, as that is what you all have been to me for the >last few weeks, PARN: Albiet a rather dysfunctional alien family which would like nothing more than to see my head on a pike, but a family nonetheless. > yes, I have some feelings for Minagi, but if you >don't want me to get involved with her if we split up, then fine I >won't". RYOKO: Yes, I would be quite miffed at your attempts of adultery, but since I couldn't give a rat's ass about you, Adam, she's all yours. On second thought, what has Minagi ever done to deserve Adam? > The sun started to set as the two lovers got up and >entered the house, unknown to them, they were being watched. "so >let me get this straight, Adam can duplicate peoples powers, if >comes in to contact with that person?" NEWJERSEY: Unless I'm mistaken, Rogue from X-men can do the same thing. > Washu nodded, "then how can >he summon the night hawk wings?" Washu just shrugged, "well Adam >said that he had absorbed some evil souls, maybe the combination >of the light hawk wings and the great evil merged" SAN: That sums up Adam, all right. > "its impossible >that he can summon the light AND the night hawk wings, if the evil >merged with the light hawk wings" "true but maybe he can seperate >the two" just then the door slid open and there stood Adam, "its >time for dinner Washu, Master Yosho would you come and join us? I >would be honoured" "certinly" replied Yosho, mentally sizing him >up, SHINJI: Hmmm...I don't know how he could legally be a male. He's definitely overpowered, so I must wait for just the right moment to strike the lethal blow. > "hmmm, tall, dark and powerful, yet still a boy, just like >Tenchi, RYOKO: He's daring to compare Adam to TENCHI?! That's an insult to Tenchi! > even having trouble fending off the attention of the >ladies like Tenchi" TITANIA: Love for Tenchi and urge to kill Adam are not the same, Yosho. > thought Yosho, "look Yosho, I know that you >are wondering how I can summon the light and the night hawk wings, >well, I know how to summon them not why I can summon the two" SHINJI: It was just something I made up, okay? > it >was then that the creature that was watching Adam earlier showed >itself, PARN: I just happened to be here, okay? >it was a Zianoid "so you are the one I was sent to spy on, >Adam", Adam stepped forward "yeah, that's my name, don't wear it >out", NEWJERSEY: I think you're already worn out, Adam. > Washu was busy mentally disecting the creature when it moved >with such speed that it was a blur, SHINJI: Oh great...obscure action fight scene coming up, guys. >but still the creature missed >as Adam came out of the sky RYOKO: Richmond, you hentai, I thought you said this wasn't a Lemon! TITANIA: Double entendre, anyone? >and landed on the creatures back and >was gone again, to reappear in the stance of the Hokuto shin ken >(fist of the north star), while the creature turned around and >spoke, "huh, you my be fast but speed is nothing without power, >and you gonna dance or fight?" SAN: He's going to...RHUMBA!!! PARN: o/~ Tonight, tonight, the SI fights tonight... o/~ >"fight, and your already dead" said >Adam, relasing a deavstating flury of punches that just pounded >the creature to a blooded mess, and Adam gave the creature a soft >touch to the head and turned away, "now the grim reaper has come >and touched you, pray for forgiveness" and as Adam had finished >his sentance, the creatures head exploded, SHINJI: He must have read the fic. RYOKO: When you've got a headache this big... > "that was impressive, >where did you learn it?" "I absorbed the knowlage of four people >to learn the variations of the style, and I could of killed him >from where I stood, but it wouldn't of been fun", NEWJERSEY: Does anyone have long-term memory in this fic?! Why do they keep asking the same question to get the same damn answer?! > and with that >they continued their way back to Tenchi's house. > >chapter 8: ahh, music to my ears > TITANIA: The words "The End." RYOKO: You know, I can't help but think that each successive time we read a Richmond fic, we become increasingly bitter and dark in our rants and riffs. NEWJERSEY: As another frequent veteran of this MST project, I'd have to say you're right. I mean we can only exhaust the grammar rants so many times, express our hatred of the author and the SI characters so many times...we may be about as repetitive as the fic is. >After dinner, Adam sat outside and put a cd into a boom box that >was in the back of his 'heap of junk' as he called it, PARN: a.k.a., his house. Filthy bum. And I don't usually look down on the impoverished, but Adam... SAN: I think we understand. > the first >track played was 9pm (till I come) and this was followed >by 'Sweet like chocolate ' and 'Miami smith>, NEWJERSEY: For once I'm going to advocate that the author stop citing his sources. TITANIA: But if he does that, is it not plagiarism? NEWJERSEY: If he doesn't stop assosciating the original artists with this fic, it's called libel. >and while the music played, he was just gazing over the >water when suddenly something caught his eye in the water, SHINJI: ...and yanked it from his skull. But he'll regrow it. >"Pikame, I choose you" he whispered as he gently opened the >pokeball, "Pikame, metamorphasis, Garados" Pika jumped into the >water and changed in to Garados, "Pikame, check the water for >anything then report back to me" PARN: Well, there's a lot of algae, and there's the exchange mass for the Ryo-Ohki ship-form control modules, dissolved gases, a few cans of nuclear waste, Jimmy Hoffa's remains... >the giant water pokemon nodded >then disappered under the waters surface as Ryoko came out, just >as 'love's got a hold of my heart' started to play, RYOKO: Raise your hand if the title of that song surprises you in any way. Nobody raises their hand. >"what's the matter? you look disturbed?" NEWJERSEY: I think Adam's been taking grammar lessons from Tank Cop. Oh...heads up, dizzying dialogue without page breaks coming up... >"nothing, I'm fine" "then >why did you sent that creature to check the lake?" "I saw >something bigger than a fish look out of the water so I sent >Pikame in to check it out" "that was Pikame?! wow, that's some >trick you taught it, changing into other creatures" "he taught it >himself, when he was in the wild" "oh, well why don't you come in >and lets have some fun" SHINJI: I don't know what was going on, and I don't care. >said Ryoko sliding her hand round Adam's SAN: throat... >waist, Pikame just broke the surface and said "I found some fish >men swimming this way, and they don't look happy" "thanks Pikame, >could you become Lapras and use ice beam on them?" TITANIA: That has about as much sport sense and environmental impact as dynamite fishing. >"Sure" "Sarah" >said Adam tapping his breast pocket, and out popped a mouse, >"Sarah, change in to a Kingler and bring me the creatures that >Pikame freezes" the mouse just nodded and leaped out of the pocket >and changeed into the giant crab pokemon and headed for the water. RYOKO: Given this guy's power base, why doesn't he just snap his fingers and make all the fish jump onto the shore, filleted and ready to be eaten? NEWJERSEY: That's next fic. >"finally we're alone, again, everybody went to bed, because they >had a hard day" SHINJI: And you can bet Tenchi's having a "hard" day in bed with Aeka! Ryoko blasts Shinji. >said Ryoko once again slipping her hand around >Adam's waist just before a chunk of ice broke the surface of the >water, "son of a bitch! can't we ever get any privacy anywhere!" RYOKO: Around the Masaki residence? Privacy? You gotta be kidding me. >said Ryoko getting really upset, Adam just sat there calmy SAN: So he must have absorbed Yosho's power of perpetual calm? What a way to sully Yosho's lifetime of martial arts discipline. >watching as several other blocks of ice broke the surface as sarah >and Pikame returned with eight fish men and a repitilian looking >creature, PARN: Looks like Pikame found extras from the Slayers series. >Pikame asked, "what should we do now?", Adam said >"return" holding out a pokeball as Pikame returned to his >pokeball, and Sarah jumped back into his pocket changing into a >mouse while she was in the air. TITANIA: I could have sworn she was a trackball before... The rest of cast groans. > >chapter 9: the moment Ryoko had waited for > RYOKO: Finally! Tenchi's going to confess his eternal love to me! NEWJERSEY: In this fic? Yeah right. >Adam assumed the position of the 'waterfoul fist' fighting style >and used the technique to make his captives into ice cubes, and as >the chunks landed they smashed into even more of a mess and >disintergrated, PARN: Right. Attack the frozen sea creatures before they even show a hint of hostility. Really honorable as a warrior. >"well that was the most difficult battle I ever >had" SHINJI: Killing defenseless creatures is fun! >said Adam relaxing into a loose position, SAN: As opposed to relaxing into a tight one? >"say, why don't we >go somewhere where we can get some privacy" whispered Ryoko into >Adam's ear, RYOKO: Make it easier for me to kill him without calling in reinforcements. >"sure", said Adam opening a portal and taking Ryoko by >the hand and walking through the portal. TITANIA: Really? No, I thought he took her by the nose and walked through the lake. >"Oh, man, that.. was mind >blowing. I..I never expirianced anything like it" said Ryoko >panting, RYOKO: If...this...author...is...implying... >"I thought you enjoyed it, you were screaming so loud you >broke the mirror" he said pointing at the small hand mirror on the >chest of draws on the other side of the large room, RYOKO: Screaming?! Oh I'll show you SCREAMING! PARN: Calm down, Ryoko...maybe you were just having singing lessons. Fine tune your voice. You know it takes perfect pitch to shatter glass. TITANIA: Parn...I've seen this kind of pissed. I've BEEN this kind of pissed. And unless you have the stamina of Oberon, you'd better run. SHINJI: We're dead. We're all sooooo dead. >"its a good >jod all the rooms are soundproof" said Adam, lying back, looking >at Ryoko who had a light sheen of persperation, "I never thought >it would be so.. undescribable" said Ryoko moving closer to Adam, RYOKO: Oh that IS IT!!! Ryoko channels her energy into a high-power bolt as she flies up from her seat, then lets loose a barrage at the screen. Much of the energy is scattered by the AT field, forcing the MSTers to dive for cover. RYOKO: HOW DARE YOU IMPLY THAT I HAVE SEX WITH THAT BASTARD!!! SAN: She's out of control! The rest of the beam energy, that is, that which isn't scattered about the Entry Theater, actually penetrates the AT field and punches big holes in the screen. SHINJI: I don't believe it...she can make energy bolts powerful enough to pierce the AT field? NEWJERSEY: She's going to kill the rest of us! Hey Ryoko... A stray energy bolt catches him in the chest, burns clean through him, and plows him into the back of the theater. SAN: NEWJERSEY!!! San G.I. crawls to Newjersey, looking distraught. SAN: Newjersey...say something! NEWJERSEY: Ouch. PARN: He's alive?! TITANIA: He's a werewolf, it'll take a lot more than an energy bolt to take him out. NEWJERSEY: San, quit crying...you're making me look like a shameless SI. What about Ashitaka? SAN: Ashitaka can't turn into a wolf. He means a lot to me but... NEWJERSEY: Point. TITANIA: Oh this is lunacy... Titania channels glamour into a ball between her hands, sparkling with fae energy. She directs this at Ryoko, hitting her in the small of the back. Ryoko's eyes go wide, and she passes out. SHINJI: Why didn't you do that before? NEWJERSEY: Who cares...let's just get this damn fic over with. SAN: Newjersey, don't you die on me... NEWJERSEY: You leave Ashitaka to the mercies of the Shishigami, and yet you fall for me. Look, if you and Ashitaka had a good relationship after your movie, I don't want to get in the way. PARN: Newjersey...shut up and enjoy it. The MSTers take their seats, except for Ryoko, who is unconscious and floating in the LCL. >"why do you hide your body?" "because if I walked around showing >off my body I would be arrested for exposure" SHINJI: I think in his case it would be "Disturbing the Peace." >"you know what I >mean" "oh, yeah, I know I'll walk around without a shirt, just >show my arms, and watch as all the girls either faint or start to >drool, or even better, I'll wear no shirt and a pair of cycling >shorts, extra tight and see every woman that looks at me die" TITANIA: It's official...he's so hideous that seeing his bare skin causes brain damage. >"there's no need for sarcasam" NEWJERSEY: Is that an episode in OAV 3? >"oh? just like theres no need for >Tenchi" ALL: BLASPHEMER! DO NOT TAKE THE NAME OF TENCHI MUYO IN VAIN! >"fuck you" "I don't go for that stuff, but you do, don't >you?" PARN: Bad mistake...Ryoko went berzerk when the author was ambiguous. This tends to clear up ambiguity... >"how would like a fat lip?" "how would you like to be kicked >out of my house?" "kiss my chuddies" "I already have, remember?" RYOKO: What...the... UNNNGHHAAAAARRRRGHHHH!!! SHINJI: RYOKO! Save it for the grand finale! Ryoko grinds her teeth, then gets the menacing smile on her face. RYOKO: Oh yeah...you better believe it. >"what time is it?" "time I got outta my pit" NEWJERSEY: He folded himself up into his armpit?! >came the reply, "you >havin' a shower?" "with you, yeah, without then no" "tramp" SAN: I think Shin Aeka proofread this. >Adam >was silent, "whats the matter?" "nothing, but I thought that I >heard a noise" "its your imagination, come back to bed" but Adam >was already out the door RYOKO: Oh yeah, Adam. Keep going. And going. And going. >wearing a black silk robe, with a picture >of a chinese dragon emblazed in silver. TITANIA: Emblazed? That would mean he's on fire, wouldn't it? >"wow, this place is huge, >I wonder where them pair are. Oh, lets see in the study" said >Washu as she opened the door marked 'study' and she was greeted by NEWJERSEY: ...a set of gun-toting ninja assassins! *Blam!* *Blam!* *Hiyaaaaaa...* >the shelf upon shelf of videos, "fist of the north star the movie >(live action), Tenchi Muyo! Ryo-ohki, pretty sammy, daugther of >darkness, Tenchi in love, Tenchi forever," read Washu out loud, >then Washu pulled a Tenchi Muyo! Ryo-ohki video (volume 7, which >by coincedence has Washu on the front) "so what do we have here?" PARN: I think he's been stalking us! Oh won't Aeka be pissed when she sees these tapes. >Washu gasped and fumbled the video SHINJI: But Collingsworth intercepts and there he goes up the field! He's at the 40, the 30... >but managed to get hold of it >again. > >chapter 10: Adams past (part two) > RYOKO: By day, a loser, by night...well, still a loser. Still is, apparently. >Adam sprung over the railing two floors up, and landed without a >whisper, SAN: ...but rather a piercing scream as his legs broke. >taking a sword form the samurai armour in the hall, TITANIA: You know, there's something about these things...something special about the sharp side...but what? >and >noticed the door to the study was open, he moved without a sound >and with great speed, and when he found the person, he was mildly >surprised to find who it was. "so this is were you took my >daugther, nice place she said holding the video in her hand, NEWJERSEY: Go Washu, take over the narration! And narrate us to the end faster while you're at it! >"and >what good taste you have in videos, I mean look at all the tenchi >videos" RYOKO: Tenchi does Dallas, Magical Girl Pretty Tenchi, Tenchi: Conqueror of the Tetons, The Tenchi Kama Sutra... >she said gesturing to the shelf, "well, I have a wide range >of tastes SHINJI: You know he's right... Overfiend, Bondage Faeries... >but there is no hentai there, mostly action movies, >romantic comedys, like the one in your hand, martial arts, about >every genre of anime but like I said, no hentai" SAN: A rose by any other name... >"yeah, right!" >said Ryoko wearing a black robe like Adams except it had a tiger >on the back, "well if it ain't the lovers" said Washu, gazing at >Adam who was still wearing his hat, Washu noticed. "What's the >matter with you ma, I wanted some" "action" Washu cut in, "no ma, >I wanted some priviacy, I wanted Adam but he refused so I managed >to persude him and if you must known, yes, I enjoyed it" RYOKO: WHY...THAT...PRESUMPTUOUS...LITTLE... >Washu was >shocked PARN: I guess that's what happens when your home entertainment center isn't properly grounded. >and as soon as she regained her composture NEWJERSEY: Composture? What, is she making topsoil? > she said "so, >you just left on the impusle that you would get somewhere with >Adam, well now are you happy?" RYOKO: He's still alive, I am NOT happy! >"yes, I am thank you" this shook >Washu, "it was a rtohrical question" "well you should ask proper >questions if your looking for answers" "look, I want you to stop >before you get hurt, I" "want you to stop seeing Adam because of >the attention he is atrracting from me and the others back at >Tenchi's" said Adam TITANIA: ...who suddenly snapped and started referring to himself in the third person. >copying Washu's voice as he came back with a >tray of tea and other things, "that's not.." " bullshit, Washu you >came here to check on me, not your daughter, or should I say >creation? go on admit it" SAN: Admit *what?* I think this is the Shin continuity! >"alright, I admit there was some truth >in that, but I was worried that something might of happened to >Ryoko and she is my daughter not my creation, after all you own >all the videos, you should know that" SHINJI: He probably has video evidence of Washu doing the nasty with some guy. >said Washu looking away to >prevent Ryoko from seeing her show such weakness, "Washu, Ryoko >can look after herself after all she is.." Adam tryed to recall >how old she was, "over 700 years old" RYOKO: And Sasami's over 700 years old too, but you can't follow that line of reasoning with her! SHINJI: Many Lemon authors have, I'm afraid. >he said really disappointed >he couldn't remember, "and how old are you, Adam?" asked Washu >snidely, "old enough to know what I feel, NEWJERSEY: And wight now I feel wike I have a wet diaper on! >and anyway, I have loved >and lost many people close to me and I have absorbed a hell of a >lotta knowlege, in my time so don't doubt me" said Adam >visciously, "then why have you lost so many loved ones?" TITANIA: Because they look at him and their brains self destruct! I think he admitted that earlier! >"Washu, I >think that your digging yourself grave" PARN: I think that's "Digging your own grave." >said Ryoko trying to get >Adam not to blow his top, "well, Washu I will answer the question, >I have lost loved ones because SAN: ...I forget to put LoJack on them. >I fight for what is right, I wish >it was not that way at times, hell I even became pure evil PARN: ...still am, apparently. >nothing >could stop me, the forces of heaven and hell combined and still I >rampaged on, killing and slaughtering anyone or thing that stood >in my path" NEWJERSEY: I hated those ants! I stepped on all their little hills! Squish! Squish! Squish! >said Adam, with his fist clenched so tight that the >bones and cords stood out, TITANIA: So he's, what, old and decrepit? >"I have the blood of so many innocents >on my hands SAN: And he still hasn't washed them. Ewww. >from trying to save others when I have been consumed >with rage for the world, what you don't understand Washu, is the >effect that having you life being shit from day one, SHINJI: Oh no, I understand perfectly. Like my first day here at NERV. RYOKO: Or getting stuck in this damn Entry Theater. >bulids you up >with so much rage, so much anger that you will eventally turn to >the wrong side. I have several times, I am half creature of the >night, I can destroy any world I choose, I am virtually a god, I >know gods with less power than I possese, I can and have destroyed >towns, villages, sprawling citys, and just because I have lost a NEWJERSEY: ...holo-foil Charizard card. Goddammit, those things are hard to find! >loved one. When my wife was killed by count Dracula, I went into >the castle and tore every creature apart with my very own hands, >the hands that hold your TITANIA: HANDS OFF! >daughter, the hands that have snached RYOKO: Where's my wallet?! >Tenchi from the jaws of death, and I even ripped death apart, >whose touch is sudden death, and when I found Dracula, hmm, I tore >him apart piece by piece, limb from limb and then when the true >Dracula showed himself, I could smell the fear coming off him, as >he had witnessed my destruction of everything that moved in that >castle, I didn't kill dracula, I obliterated him. PARN: Behold my awesome SI hyperbole! >And then the >castle that caused horror to even the toughtest man, warped in to >a more sinister place when I killed Dracula, and that was when the >killing started and then raged on for a few years until I almost >killed a beautiful woman, SAN: ...but she went blind in the nick of time. >it was strange because I had killed >other women some more preety and felt great pleasure when I ripped >them apart but this one, she was not scared or anything she even >walked over to me and held her neck out, yet I could not bite it. >i then looked myself and discovered that I was the worst monster >ever, I was merciless to my forces of darkness, I killed many for >thoughts that I was uncontrolable, that I wasn't playing with a >full deck, ALL: WE AGREE WITH THAT! >but this woman, she was not scared, and when I had >discovered what I became, a load had seemed to leave my mind, and SHINJI: ...enter my pants. NEWJERSEY: Well, considering what the author thinks with, that's actually accurate. >the hellish creatures I created disappered, and Castlevania >crumbled. I only return to that place to visit my wifes grave, >which I carved before I went crazy." RYOKO: So his wife's grave reads..."all work and no play makes Adam a dull boy" over and over again? >"I had no idea.." "no one >ever does" said Adam, getting up and sitting behind a large desk >upon which sat a skull, a personal computer and a few other >objects. RYOKO: Wow...that collection of...er...equipment puts Aeka's to shame. TITANIA: That collection puts URD'S to shame. >"Adam, I'm sorry about how I acted, will you forgive me?" >"hmmmm, I'll have to think about that" he said smiling to himself, >Oh, and Washu, if you want to sit and watch the videos, then go >ahead, I can see your itching to, seeing as you seem rather >attached to that one in your hand" NEWJERSEY: Adam, did you cover this in super glue? PARN: That's not super glue. Pause, then the cast barfs. >Washu noticed that her hand had >turned white with the pressure she was applying, "just slap it TITANIA: No hentai comments! That's a royal order! >in >and I'll make breakfast after I phone Sasami and let her know that >your both having breakfast here and is they wanna watch the pretty >sammy videos and the Mihoshi special" so after Adam put on his >usual pair of black jeans and black shirt he phoned Sasami and set >about preparing breakfast for himself and Washu and Ryoko, while >the other girls set about making theirs, "its been a while since >you made our breakfast" said Sonja, "yeah" agreed the twins, "well >hang on then, I'll go get blood from a stone and then I'll make >breakfast for you" "we'll do it ourselves then," said Ani, "tell >me how you make them shakes that you always drank" said Una, "its >a recipe that will die with me" SHINJI: Why do we give a fuck about what his concubines are saying? >said Adam with an air about him, >"selfish bastard" muttered Sonja "yes I am aren't I" said Adam >smugly. > >chapter 11: the return NEWJERSEY: I'm getting sick of all of these resurrections. Why don't you bring back Kain or Dr. Clay? Give me a break! > >"a female student?, no I am Washu, the top scientific genius in >the universe, I am cute, althrough I must admit I look a little >young" RYOKO: That sounds like mom's TV incarnation. >was what greeted Adam as he walked in two trays of full >English breakfasts, "eat it all up or you can't leave" said Adam SAN: Blackened toast, raw eggs, scrambled pancakes. >when he handed the two girls the trays full of food, "but I'm only >a little girl, can't you let me off with a few little scraps of >food?" asked Washu in a child like voice, TITANIA: Even the scrapings out of the bottom of the garbage disposal would be better than THIS! >" no because if you eat >it all up you will become a big girl to go with your ego, >althrough I don't think that its possible" SHINJI: Obviously this guy hasn't seen OAV 7. >he said doging the fork >that was thrown at him, "and Ryoko, you gotta eat it all so you >regain all you strengh incase we get attacked when we get back to >Tenchi's" RYOKO: What's this "we" stuff? When we get back to Tenchi's, they'll have a full-blown assault force waiting for you! >Ryoko blushed and as Adam turned back towards the >kitchen, Washu whispered, "was he good was and how big was he?" NEWJERSEY: Overuse of "was," penalty, 10 yards. >Adam turned back and said, "its none of your business, so there" >Washu looked horrified as Ryoko sat there laughing. RYOKO: I was probably doing that when he pulled his pants down. >Suddenly a >little boy with blonde hair and light blue eyes came running into >the room and said, in a voice that was neither high nor low >pitched, PARN: Middle C? > "Hello, I don't want to be rude or ignorant but, who are >you?" the two girls introdcued themsevles, and the boy replied, >"well, welcome to my domain" he then flashed an evil smile which >vanished without a trace, SHINJI: It's the fic author! RYOKO: Wait until I get my hands on him... NEWJERSEY: Get in line. TITANIA: I'm faerie royalty! I get first dibs! >and his face was almost innocent yet, >devilish at the same time, just then Sonja looked into the room >and introduced herself to the guests and then left smiling to >herself, SAN: She really needs a boyfriend. SHINJI: Doesn't she have Adam? SAN: I repeat... SHINJI: Never mind, I get the hint. >Washu asked the boy where his father was, "I don't know >who is or where he is" was the reply, "do you know were Adam is?" >"who's Adam?" "the man that owns this house" "I don't know of a >man named Adam, but this is my house and I remember that you were >sneaking around this morning, miss Washu, I mean little Washu" >Washu smiled at this, "well I was looking for Ryoko and here she >is" said Washu, "you know the man you say owns the house, do you >think he's cute and do you want to get him in bed?" The MSTers facefault at this. NEWJERSEY: What... RYOKO: The... TITANIA: FUCK?! >"yes, I do" >replyed Washu "well its time for me to go again, bye", and with >that he ran off again, "that was one cute boy, SAN: ...but kind of a pint-sized pervert. >I wonder who he >was?" "I always thought that I was an ugly child" said Adam >walking into the room, smiling. ALL THE GIRLS: You still are! ALL THE GUYS: No argument here! >"bastard" "no, the names Adam" TITANIA: No, it's "bastard." PARN: I thought it was "Assrammer." >"how many episodes left?" asked Ryoko well that was episode 10, so >3 more and then the video picture book and then the Mihoshi >special are left" replied Adam, RYOKO: Oh great, so Assrammer is putting words in my mouth? >"well we can watch them back at >Tenchi's" said Ryoko, handing Adam an empty plate, "not untill >little Washu has finished hers" he said grining, as Washu sighed. >Adam then went over to one of the shelfs and took off NEWJERSEY: Oh no no no...keep those pants on, mister. >the 4 pretty >sammy tapes and put them in a ruck sack along with a laptop, a >miniture set of mechanical looking monster toys, TITANIA: Okay, forget Urd...that collection now puts SKULD to shame! >and several >books. "What are those for?" asked Washu handing Adam an empty >plate, "the figures are giant mechanical monsters that I command SHINJI: The words "dry clean only" don't mean a helluva lot to him, do they? >when I make them change back to normal size, the videos are for >Samai to watch, SAN: That's nice, but who is Samai? >the books are for Minagi, the laptops for me and I >am going to write a fanfiction about my 'adventures' with you >guys" NEWJERSEY: So if I figure this right...if we can kill him in this fic, we can stop the fics from reproducing! >adam said as he packed volumes 6 & 7 as well as the Mihoshi >special, "all set?" the two girls nodded as Adam opened a portal >to Tenchi's house. > >When they got back they found the usual secne, Ayeka being busy >doing something, RYOKO: They wouldn't find a usual scene if I wasn't there...because the "usual scene" involves me in combat with Aeka. >Mihoshi fast asleep in front of the tv, Sasami in >the kitchen, Tenchi outside sweeping and Minagai reading a book by >the water, "well, not what I was expecting, but nice all the same" SHINJI: No, "nice" would be killing this fic and getting out of here!!! Ryoko, blast that thing! RYOKO: I can't get enough energy to blast that AT field! >said Adam putting down his bag, removing the contents and handing >the videos of pretty sammy to Sasami, NEWJERSEY: We don't have much time. If he finishes so much as one fic, we are so screwed! >he left the Mihoshi special >by Mihoshi, PARN: If we remind Ryoko, then maybe she could do it. RYOKO: Remind me of what? SHINJI: It's too dangerous! TITANIA: We have no choice! Newjersey, do it! >and gave Minagi the books and he sat outside, inserted >a floppy disk into the laptop and started to type... > NEWJERSEY: The fic author made you have sex with his SI character, Ryoko. RYOKO: THAT...BASTARD!!! Ryoko is suddenly furious, more than ever as the repressed memory of what happened earlier in the fic comes rushing to the surface. >The end (for now) > RYOKO: YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT'S THE END, BUCKO! She starts charging up an insanely high energy burst, then fires a barrage of bolts at the AT field... ><>means the artists/writers name or my opinion > SAN: We don't care! NEWJERSEY: GET DOWN! Fur singes as a stray bolt flashes by Newjersey's tail. >Disclaimer: > >I used many trademarked things without permission but all in the >aid of self-insertion and cross overs. Don' sue me as I'm english TITANIA: So was Shakespeare. He didn't mangle the English language. >and perminantly broke. also the guy (or gal, I'm not sexist, just >obsessed with sex) who came up with the night hawk wings in a >Castlevania/Tenchi cross over, I'm sorry if you don't like the >fact I used the idea, and your fanfic was the dogs bollocks. PARN: Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. > >Any questions/comments/spelling mistakes then e-mail me at: Titania brings her hands together, as though she were Lina about to cast the ragna blade. What materializes in her hands is a long sword of finest mithril, a hilt of sweeping arcs and a blade with lines of runes on it. TITANIA: I call upon my sword...protect your queen...and be my arm of swift justice! Ryoko, screaming, continues to blast the AT field, and a rent appears in the surface. The blast bolts spill through, turning the screen into charcoal, and tearing it open to reveal the glowing red core. Titania, rage on her face, uses her wings to propel herself through the LCL, her sword pointed at the hole. The tip of the blade pierces the core... And the Theater is filled with white-hot plasma. Later that day, in the NERV briefing room...the MST crew is sitting around the table, all of them are scorched and still smoking, despite having been in LCL. At the head of the table is Gendo Ikari, flanked by Fuyutski and Ritsuko Akagi. At the other end is Misato Katsuragi. NEWJERSEY: That's it. I am SICK of these damn fics! I have never been so mentally violated in my life!!! SHINJI: Even I have my limits, dad. TITANIA: If you think this is going to improve NERV's relationship with the Seelie court of the Fae... MISATO: Well that sword did prove useful in dealing with the fic-angel. TITANIA: Keep the damn thing, for all I care, I'll get another one! I quit! Titania storms out of the room, not even bothering to look mysterious and round the corner before she slides across the dimensional barrier to Arcadia. NEWJERSEY: I'm taking my leave as well. I'm taking San home, she shouldn't have to endure this crap. GENDO: You can't do that. NEWJERSEY: The hell I can't! Sending her through a Richmond fic? Sending ALL of us through that?! We destroyed it before it could progress into more fics. You saw the mission log. I've got some vacation time, and I need it now. SAN: Newjersey...you'd take me back? NEWJERSEY: I told you, I'm NOT some shameless SI who uses some overwhelming power of charisma to get every woman in line-of-sight. If you and Ashitaka had something special together...well you shouldn't have to go through this hell. San's eyes start tearing, then she jumps across the table and throws her arms around Newjersey's neck in an affectionate hug. NEWJERSEY: GACK...need air... PARN: Well I'm leaving too. I have a high elf at home who really wants so...er...me back. RITSUKO: Wait a minute...we're losing all our MSTers! Parn, come on, can't you stay on for a few more fics? PARN: No. I'd rather go ten rounds with Cardice. I'd rather get chewed up by Narse. I'd...well, you get the hint. I've had so little character in this portrayal I'm barely more than a name. Parn walks out, followed by Newjersey, who's trying to pry San off his neck. SHINJI: Well, dad, guess that's it... GENDO: SIT DOWN. RYOKO: If you think you can keep me here... GENDO: I have three Evas that say I can. MISATO: But Rei's a half-cabbit, did you think of that? She might not sync up right. GENDO: Very well, but I still have two Evas... SHINJI: Eva-01 isn't going anywhere unless I'm in the entry plug, and you're not getting me in there unless there's a real Angel. I'm not doing your dirty work. GENDO: One eva that says I can keep you here. RYOKO: Heh...yeah right, all I need to do is cut the power cord. MISATO: Well maybe if we could get Tenchi in here... RYOKO: Did you say... MISATO: Well, unless you stay on, we won't be able to get him here, will we? Ryoko runs out of the room, skipping with joy. RITSUKO: Misato, I never knew you were such a con woman. ~FIN~ Author's notes AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! I am NOT going to do another Richmond fic for a long, long, long time. These fics do worse than tax the creativity of the MST author, they tax patience, they tax sanity...one can only go so far in one's loathing of the content that it becomes repetitive over time. I shall have to shift my focus, lest this become monotony rather than quality MST work. Future MST's: Lemon Fighters 01, by Agent Grey's request: http://www.tmffa.com/m/lemon_fighters01.txt Ryoko's Precious Secret, by Kevin "Locknear" Smith http://www.tmffa.com/r-ryokos_precious_secret.html