Dolphin "Newjersey" Silverwolf (DolphinSWf@aol.com)
MST Division
Causality - MST #3 : "Tales of Adam Part 1: The Meeting of a New Friend"
The MSTers of NERV find themselves facing the most blatant of self-insertions
they have seen to date.

Author's note/Disclaimer: All names, concepts, and indicia thereof are property
of their respective owners.  (e.g., Neon Genesis Evangelion belongs to
Gainax/ADV, Tenchi Muyo! belongs to Pioneer/AIC, "Event Horizon" is copyright
Paramount Pictures, "The World is Not Enough" is property of MGM/UA, "The
Silence of the Lambs" and "Hannibal" are written by Thomas Harris, "Dark City"
and "The Cell" are property of New Line Studios, "Hellbound: Hellraiser II" is
property of Miramax/Dimension, and Cutter and ElfQuest are the creations of
Wendy and Richard Pini of WaRP graphics.)  The only things I claim for my own
are Newjersey Silverwolf and the work I did on the MST.

	When the Event Horizon activated its gravity gateway, it opened a hole into
a dimension of pure chaos...pure evil.
	However due to some whacked law of physics involving black holes, Sam Neill
ended up in Jurassic Park, while Lawrence Fishburne wound up explaining what
the Matrix is using Ny-Quil and Day-Quil.
	The resulting causality hole rerouted the Aekaprise from its intended
course (if it ever had such a thing) into a crash dive with the planet Earth. 
The impact with Antarctica caused the earth to wobble wildly on its axis and
radically change the climate.  This was the so-called "Fourth impact," which
was really starting to tick the people at NERV off...they didn't seem to be
doing their jobs too well.
	So, Gendo Ikari, along with Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, conscripted one of the crew
members of the Aekaprise, Gendo's son, Shinji, and several characters pulled
out of the trans-reality rift that was the causality hole.  NERV struggles to
fix the error the causality hole caused, but not before gathering as much data
and intelligence as they can from their captives.
	With two fics under their belt, the NERV technology department now has an
idea for a new tactic against the Angels.  
	The problem now, however, is testing it.
	The story opens in NERV Central Dogma...
	
MISATO:	Are you still waiting for the Magi to return a result?

RITSUKO:	They've been debating this question amongst themselves for six
hours now.  I've never seen a deliberation take this long.

MAYA:	Sempai, I think the Magi are done!

RITSUKO:	Excellent, Maya...what's the result?

MAYA:	Two to one for the railgun.

	All three sweatdrop.  Suddenly an explosion is heard above them, roughly
where the 3 Magi computers are located.

MAYA:	Three to zero for the rocket launcher.

RITSUKO:	What is going on up there?!

	Seated behind a console just in front of each of the Magi are Shinji Ikari,
Newjersey Silverwolf, and Cutter.

SHINJI:	Wow, Newjersey, you were right...Quake kicks ass!

	BLAM!
	
NEWJERSEY:	Oh you think you're so hot?  Take this!

	BLAM!  SPLUTCH!
	
NEWJERSEY:	You'd think three artificially intelligent supercomputers would be
better at Quake than this.

SHINJI:	Well Melchior *is* kicking your ass.

NEWJERSEY:	MELCHIOR'S A FRICKEN' CAMPER!

	KABLAM!
	
CUTTER:	Puckernuts!  How am I supposed to fight?

SHINJI:	Just use the keyboard and mouse...

CUTTER:	I can't quite reach the fire keys...

NEWJERSEY:	I don't think these keyboards were designed for people with only
four fingers on each hand.

	BOOM!
	
NEWJERSEY:	HAH!  Take THAT, Melchior!

	Ritsuko, looking like Aeka would if she found Ryoko in bed with Tenchi,
comes up the lift.

RITSUKO:	What...are...you...doing...with...the...Magi?!

SHINJI:	Playing Quake.

RITSUKO:	I can see that!

	Misato comes up the lift next, looking moderately casual.
	
RITSUKO:	WHY are you using the Magi like this?  These computers are very
important to the survival of the human race!

CUTTER:	Yeah, what about the elfin race?

RITSUKO:	Well I'm sure that fits in the mandate some...that's not important
right now.  You're tying up the Magi with this game!

NEWJERSEY:	Well I asked the Magi about it first...

SHINJI:	You asked the Magi "could you kick my ass at Quake?"  The response was
one affirmative, two conditional affirmative.

NEWJERSEY:	I guess I kinda took it as a personal insult.

RITSUKO:	ALL OF YOU!  GET OFF THE MAGI RIGHT NOW!

CUTTER:	Why, so Gendo can surf for porn?

MISATO:	Cutter, let me get one thing clear.  The supreme commander of NERV has
other things to do than search the Internet for smut.  (pause)  It's Kaji who
surfs for porn.

SHINJI:	I thought Kaji was dead.

MISATO:	I thought I was too.  Third Impact wreaked havoc on continuity, let me
tell you.  We can do this two ways, the easy way or the hard way.

	Shinji gulps.
	
SHINJI:	Uh...we'd better do what she says.

NEWJERSEY:	What's the worst she could do, cook for us?

	Shinji, Newjersey, and Cutter stop and stare at each other.  Then Newjersey
shifts to wolf form, Cutter jumps on his back, and all three run out of Central
Dogma, screaming.

RITSUKO:	<calming down> Well...at least the Magi got freed up...

MISATO:	My cooking isn't that bad, is it?

RITSUKO:	It hasn't caused a first stage alert, has it?

	After some time, the MSTers are assembled in the NERV briefing room.  All
are dressed in their plug suits, even Newjersey, who has taken human form for
the meeting.  Around the table:

Shinji Ikari (Angst-filled Eva pilot)
Newjersey Silverwolf (Lycanthropic Archaeologist, Specialist in the Aekaprise
Crew)
Ryoko (Genetically-engineered space pirate)
Lina Inverse (Beautiful genius sorceress...but NEVER mention her chest)
Cutter (Elfin chief of the Wolfriders)
Gendo Ikari (Shinji's Father, Commander of NERV)
Ritsuko Akagi (The doc of NERV)

RITSUKO:	Thank you all for coming, now I...

	Ryoko raises her hand.
	
RITSUKO:	Yes, Ryoko?

RYOKO:	I just gotta know, why does Gendo always have his hands in front of his
face like that every time we see him?

	All of the MSTers look at Gendo, who, like usual, has his elbows perched on
the table, and his face on his interlaced fingers.

MISATO:	Um...can we have some relevant questions?

CUTTER:	When can we go home?

GENDO:	When we have no further need of you.

RYOKO:	And when will that be?!

GENDO:	....

MISATO:	Commander Ikari?

GENDO:	....

NEWJERSEY:	Every time he does that, he just pisses me off even more.

LINA:	You know, I have another question...where's Celcia?

RITSUKO:	Well, if I may explain our next experiment...

SHINJI:	I guess that's why she wanted us in our plug suits.

RITSUKO:	...we will be combating one of the fundamental bad fics,
self-insertion.

NEWJERSEY:	Didn't we already face one of those?  Our first one?

LINA:	Two, if the theory about Tank Cop holds true in the second one...

MISATO:	Yes, but you were only exposed.  This time, you will be testing a new
method of attack.  We will be combating self-insertion with self-insertion.

	The MSTers stare blankly at Misato.
	
MISATO:	Ritsuko, explain.

RITSUKO:	The problem with fics is that they are too small to combat with
conventional Eva technology.  If we are faced with a Fic-Angel, we have a great
deal of difficulty in engaging them directly.

LINA:	WHAT?  What about the Ragna Blade?!

RITSUKO:	Granted that did work, but the Ragna Blade is your spell, Lina. 
When we have the causality hole fixed, we may not have that option again.  As I
was saying, we are going to take a new approach.  We will be self-inserting an
Eva into the Entry Theater with you.

SHINJI:	What?  Can that work?

RITSUKO:	It's possible if we use Eva-01 as the control body.  This is why
Celcia isn't here right now.  She will be riding in the Entry Plug, serving as
the linkup for Eva-01 in the Entry Theater.  Eva-01 will be running on her own
intelligence, though...

NEWJERSEY:	Wait a sec...you mean you're going to let it go berzerk?

SHINJI:	Mom?

	Now all the MSTers look at Shinji.
	
MISATO:	Your guess is as good as ours, Shinji.  Yui Ikari's disappearance is
somehow related to Eva-01.

SHINJI:	That might explain why she came to me when I was stuck in the sea of
Dirac...

RITSUKO:	Or maybe you were just oxygen-deprived.  Before we start nitpicking
about the fine points of the prior Eva missions, I would just like to state
that this is an MST, and continuity of the storyline with any of those of the
MSTers is irrelevant.

GENDO:	Dr. Akagi, what did I say about violating the fourth wall?

RITSUKO:	That you should never do it if it sets you up for a double
entendre?

GENDO:	Precisely...HEY!

LINA:	Oh well...if we're going to do this, let's do this while we have a
chance of fighting back.

	Later, the 5 MSTers enter the Entry Theater.  What appears to be a scale
model of Eva-01 is already seated there, the umbilical cable trailing all the
way to the wall.

EVA:	Hello Shinji.

SHINJI:	Mom?!

	The cast stops, looks at the Eva minature body, then looks at Shinji.

CUTTER:	I don't see the resemblance...

EVA:	It's been a long time since we actually saw each other...

NEWJERSEY:	Er...the small talk makes less sense than before.

LINA:	Wait...the Eva can talk?  I thought all it could do was roar and groan.

EVA:	Isn't it amazing what an S2 engine and a self-realization can do? 
Besides, causality has been disrupted, I don't think there are too many things
that are continuous with the Evangelion storyline.

RYOKO:	Guys, let's forget about these problems, or we'll be MSTing ourselves
into a big loop.

SHINJI:	So how are you staying active with Celcia inside you?

EVA:	Well the real me is still in the Cage.  This is a simulation body.  I
have your elfin friend in my Entry Plug.  It's like having a kinder, gentler
dummy plug.

	Celcia appears onscreen in a comm window.
	
CELCIA:	I HEARD THAT!!!

	The comm window closes.
	
NEWJERSEY:	You know, this is interesting, but I thought the idea of a
self-insertion was to have the author or an author's alter-ego in the fic.  If
the tactic involves meeting self-insertion with self-insertion, wouldn't the
last two fics count as involving this same tactic?

CUTTER:	That's right...aren't you kind of an SI, Newjersey?

	Ritsuko's face appears on a comm screen.
	
RITSUKO:	Newjersey, when was the last time you generated an AT field?

NEWJERSEY:	....

RITSUKO:	Thought so.
	
	The comm window closes.  The MSTers take their seats.  The seating order
is...Ryoko, Newjersey, Eva, Shinji, Lina, Cutter.  Watching in the control
block in Central Dogma is Ritsuko, Misato, and Maya Ibuki.

RITSUKO:	Filling the Entry Theater.

NEWJERSEY:	I hate this part.  Wolf fur smells terrible when wet, water or LCL.

RITSUKO:	Power supply connected.  Commencing activation system.  Initiating
first stage connections.   Voltage climbing to border-line.  Initiating second
stage connections.  Theatre has activated.

MISATO:	LAUNCH!

>		The meeting of a new friend!

RYOKO:	So it's not involving the fic author, then.

>			by A. Richmond
>

CUTTER:	The author wishes to refrain from using his full name because if we
knew that, we could launch a pre-emptive strike.

NEWJERSEY:	Nuclear?

SHINJI:	Why risk the radiation?  We have N2 mines.

LINA:	Even better.  Darkness beyond twilight...

ALL EXCEPT LINA AND EVA:	LINA!  NOT IN HERE!

>It was a nice clear  sunny day around the Masaki home, when there 
>was suddenly an electric storm.

RYOKO:	This caused rolling blackouts for the entire Southern California
region.

EVA:	I could make good use of that electricity, and they waste it on a
poorly-timed weather sequence.

SHINJI:	Mom, your body runs on its own engine now.

EVA:	Oh...hell with it, then.

>From which a tall, well bulit man 
>fell with a sickening crunch.

LINA:	When he hit the ground, he shattered into a billion fragments. 
Sentence fragments, to be precise.

>Soon a shadow fell upon him.

EVA:	It was my foot.

RYOKO:	Good call, Yui.

NEWJERSEY:	Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of fic writers?

>So the 
>tale begins!
>
>chapter 1: hi there!

SHINJI:	<as Dr. Nick> Hi, Everybody!

REST OF CAST:	HI, DR. NICK!

>
>The first person to discover the stranger, was by Mihoshi, whose 
>reaction was a scream when she tripped over him, oblivous the fact 
>that he was lying in plain sight.

	All of the MSTers facefault...even Eva.
	
EVA:	Shinji...what has your father been doing to you?!

NEWJERSEY:	Okay...so the person who discovered the stranger was by Mihoshi,
which either means she was standing in close proximity to him or gave birth to
him...

RYOKO:	Better not have been Tenchi's son, then.  Unless it's another "Daughter
of Darkness..."  Clones don't really involve that special act...

NEWJERSEY:	...so this observer, who was either born of or standing near
Mihoshi, is female...she screamed when she tripped over the stranger.  The
observer, still not named, doesn't know he's there.

CUTTER:	Newjersey, what was that?

NEWJERSEY:	The best translation I could come up with.

>Tenchi came to see what the 
>comotion was

LINA:	Yeah, I'd be interested to know what a "comotion" is, too.

>and was shocked to find Mihoshi sprawled on the floor 
>next to some guy lying in an awkward position that signaled bad 
>injurys.

CUTTER:	So is Mihoshi lying on the floor, signaling bad injuries, or is she
sprawled?

RYOKO:	My god...this is worse than Tank Cop.

NEWJERSEY:	Nope.  So far it's just grammar and spelling.  Tank Cop is worse.

>"What the hell is going on, now?" came Ryoko's voice, 
>before Tenchi had a second thought.

LINA:	Somehow I don't recall Tenchi being this stupid!

EVA:	Maybe he could do with an overclocking?

RYOKO:	Don't give mom ideas...

>"My, my, who's this?" enquired 
>Ryoko with some surprise, "and should he be lying like that?"
>

RYOKO:	Uh...I don't know, should he be?  Who is "he," anyway?

CUTTER:	Enquiring minds want to know.

>The stranger was wearing a plain black baseball cap pulled down so 
>that his face didn't show above his jaw,

SHINJI:	GODDAMMIT!  That's a big hat!

>a baggy shirt with a 
>double shoulder holster which contained two fully automatic 9 mm 
>Uzis'.

LINA:	It's some kind of decomposition reaction...punctuation chemistry at
work.  One comma reacts to form one period and one apostrophe.

> A pair of baggy black jeans on which hung a mobile phone, 
>strapped to his right leg is what looked like a shotgun but it had 
>almost no stock or barrel,

NEWJERSEY:	What the hell is he talking about?

CUTTER:	You're our linguist, shouldn't you figure it out?

NEWJERSEY:	Cutter, I have to tell you...it's hard to decipher a language when
there is no grammar.

RYOKO:	I get the feeling this guy's from downtown Los Angeles, with all of the
firearms and the cellular phone.

>he was wearing a strange looking watch 
>with lots of strange looking coloured balls on the strap and in 
>his hands he had a small metalic object

SHINJI:	I could do without knowing what that is.

>and a ninja sword with the 
>kanji for 'elemental bakemono nihonto' ( elemental monster sword) 
>etched on the hilt.

EVA:	Still doesn't hold a candle to the progressive knife.

>At his waist hung two beautfully crafted 
>knives with hanldes decorated with snakes which were in the 
>scabbards for them which were decorated with black widow spiders, 

CUTTER:	Whoa...the knives have handles with snakes in the scabbards with
spiders...

SHINJI:	I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...

RYOKO:	This must be a new record if it can make Shinji say that this soon.

NEWJERSEY:	It's official, this fic is BAD.

	Meanwhile, in the Eva control block...

MISATO:	ABORT MISSION!  ABORT MISSION!

RITSUKO:	But we don't have enough data yet!

MISATO:	Ritsuko, this is getting indecipherable.  Look at their vital
signs...they're chaotic!  I might not have a Ph.D., but this is definitely
WRONG!

RITSUKO:	Maya, eject the Entry Theater.

MAYA:	What...no response!  The signal's not being recieved!

MISATO:	After all the sorties the Evas have gone on, haven't you figured out
that the eject signal never works?!

	The comm window opens.  Newjersey's face appears on the monitor.
	
NEWJERSEY:	Uh, hello, we might have a problem in here...

MISATO:	<sweatdropping> Uh, no, no problem, everything's fine!  Just keep at
it, you're doing okay.

	The comm window closes.
	
MISATO:	Ritsuko, find out everything you can about that fic.  And if its
pattern even has the slightest hint of blue, we deploy a full strike.  Got it?

	Back in the Entry Theater...

>and on the back of his jeans hung a combat knife and to complement  
>his outfit

LINA:	The run-ons, the run-ons...at least my longest spells have periods in
them!

SHINJI:	I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...

>he wore a black pair of boots which where tall enough 
>to hide a throwing knife in each.
>
>Ryoko stood there, and decided to state the obvious "he certinly 
>likes black doesn't he?",

RYOKO:	Apparently the author has me confused with Mihoshi.

CUTTER:	Maybe it's just my lack of understanding of the human language, but I
don't think the use of the comma at the end there is proper punctuation.

SHINJI:	I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...

>everybody just ignored this comment 
>which annoyed Ryoko.

RYOKO:	You're damn right that comment annoyed me, it makes me sound like an
idiot!

NEWJERSEY:	I thought getting ignored annoyed you.

RYOKO:	Only if it's Tenchi doing the ignoring.

SHINJI:	I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...

EVA:	Shinji...Shinji?!  You're really worrying me...

>"Well hadn't we better try to see who this 
>guy is and tend to his injurys?"came Washu's voice, scaring 
>everyone half to death.

NEWJERSEY:	 Uh oh...

LINA:	What?

NEWJERSEY:	I just remembered something.  When Shinji gets a lot of hard
sensory feedback through the entry plug, what happens?

LINA:	Doesn't the Eva go berzerk?

NEWJERSEY:	Yep.  And we have a mini-Eva in here with us.

EVA:	Shinji?!  My son, don't do this, you're scaring me!

SHINJI:	I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...

CUTTER:	I'll handle this.

	Cutter gets up, walks/drifts over to Shinji, and punches him across the
face.  Then he grabs the front of Shinji's plug suit.

CUTTER:	HUMAN!  GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!  WE NEED TO OUTLAST THIS FIC!  DO YOU
HEAR ME?

SHINJI:	I mustn't...wha?  Oh god, it's still there...

CUTTER:	Come on, FIGHT!  If we fold, the Angels win!

EVA:	Come on, Shinji, I'm here.

NEWJERSEY:	Give us a good riff.  The author's wide open!

SHINJI:	Uhm...<forcing himself to look at the screen> Uhm...Uh...and Washu's
voice gave the author a fatal heart attack, thus ending the fic...

EVA:	Oh Shinji!  I thought I'd lost you!

	Eva gives Shinji a hug...which, even though this is a miniature sim body of
the real Evangelion, delivers quite a bit of compression.

SHINJI:	ACK!  MOM!  MY BONES ARE BREAKING!

>
>chapter 2: who are you?
>

NEWJERSEY:	<as Pierce Brosnan> Bond.  James Bond.

CUTTER:	<as Sylvester Stallone> Your worst nightmare.

RYOKO:	Tenchi's bride-to-be?

LINA:	That had better not have referred to...

RYOKO:	I meant ME!  Who do you think I meant?

LINA:	I'm just guarding against the worst-case scenario.

SHINJI:	<as Eminem> Well I'm slim Shinji yes I'm the real Shinji...

	Eva slaps Shinji, sending a small cloud of blood into the LCL.
	
EVA:	Watch your MOUTH, young man!

MISATO:	<appearing on screen in a comm window> Yui, I know you're his mother,
but your body isn't human anymore.  You hit him like that again, you could snap
his neck!

SHINJI:	Misato, let her...put me out of my angst, please...

EVA:	GENDO!  WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING TO OUR SON?!

GENDO:	<thinks> I know she's my wife, but there's something disturbing about
having an Evangelion with speaking parts...

>It was a full two days' to even get him to lie straight

RYOKO:	...because in his case, the rigor mortis was surprisingly persistent.

LINA:	How to lie straight?  Start simple.  "One plus one equals three." 
That's a straight lie right there.  Why would it take him two days to learn
that?

>without 
>dding even more  injurys, by now the only people who hadn't seen 
>the stanger was Minagai, Kiyone and Sasami.

NEWJERSEY:	That sentence was a moving violation...possession of numerous typos
and running several red lights.

>Even Ayeka had quick 
>look at the stranger was.

RYOKO:	Who wrote this?!  The translator for "Zero Wing?!"

LINA:	I think it's being narrated by Shampoo.

>Washu had noticed that his body seemed 
>to be healing at an extremely rapid rate while he slept, almost 
>like in the vampire tales like Dracula.   
>

CUTTER:	Of course the holes in her neck and her persistent anemia might also
have tipped her off...

>At lunch Tenchi asked how the stranger was doing, washu's answer 
>was:

EVA:	<as Washu> Tenchi, for the fiftieth time, you CAN'T use him for sword
practice!

SHINJI:	Mom, you've really adapted quickly to this...

EVA:	I've had to synchronize with you, son, I picked up a thing or two.

>"he seems to be human but he heals at a rapid rate, I 
>estimate  that he will be awake with in three days at the least.

NEWJERSEY:	Wow.  She really does know everything.

RYOKO:	And you're surprised at that?

NEWJERSEY: Not really.  Only that the statement actually seemed to be in
character.

>I 
>don't seem to be able to pry that hat out off of his head, it's 
>almost as if it's being held by some invisible force,"

LINA:	<as Washu> I believe it's called 'Krazy Glue.'

SHINJI:	Heads up, incoming run-on.

> thats when 
>Ryoko replied "Its just that your a wimp! I'm surpised that  you 
>can sit up in bed on your own, squirt".

RYOKO:	Now wait a minute...when I make an insult I at least put some thought
into it, rather than spewing it out at random.  This doesn't even sound like
the Shin Tenchi Ryoko.

> "now, now, girls theres no 
>need to be so mean at this time or anytime for that matter!  so 
>just get along" said Tenchi,

NEWJERSEY:	Wow.  Another IC moment for Tenchi.

RYOKO:	Shin?  OAV?  TV?

NEWJERSEY:	Any of the above.

LINA:	Where's the apostrophes?  WHERE'S THE DAMN APOSTROPHES?!

>amazed at himself for making his 
>little speech decided to sit there quietly for the rest of the 
>morning.

CUTTER:	<as Tenchi> Whew.  I'm spent.  Having a spine is hard work.

	Ryoko blasts Cutter into the AT field.
	
RYOKO:	Leave Tenchi out of this!

>After lunch Washu noticed that the stranger had moved
>almost as if he was sleeping,

EVA:	So the stranger is apparently a somnambulist.

SHINJI:	...and the stranger moved out of the Masaki house and into the lake,
where he drowned.  The end.

LINA:	Dark, but...more desirable than continuing.

>she was pleased that she had manged 
>to remove his weapons apart from the scabard for the sword and 
>that damn object in his hand!, she was dying to find out what it 
>did!
>

EVA:	If I had to guess, probably the same thing the one on Tenchi does.

RYOKO:	Are you INSULTING my Tenchi?!

LINA:	I think she means in terms of expected purpose, not actual performance.

RYOKO:	HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?!

	Ryoko fires a barrage of energy bolts at Eva, which are promptly reflected
by her AT field.  The other MSTers dive for cover as the energy bolts scatter
everywhere.

SHINJI:	RYOKO!  WILL YOU STOP?!  IT'S JUST LIKE THE REAL EVA!  YOU CAN'T CUT
THAT FIELD WITH THOSE ENERGY BOLTS!

>chapter 3: Its' gonna be a long day
>

ALL:	<sarcastically> No, really?!

>It was the very next day that Washu decided to see she could pry 
>the hat off his head

NEWJERSEY:	The Hurst tool proved very effective.

CUTTER:	What's the Hurst tool?

NEWJERSEY:	Oh...Hurst was the original manufacturer for the Hurst tool,
otherwise known as the "Jaws of Life."

>and
>that object from his hand, just to see what it did!,

CUTTER:	<as Washu> Ah, now I can get a sample from the stranger, too!

>she told 
>herself "it's all in the aid of science!", "bullshit" replied her 
>mind.

CUTTER:	Oh great...Washu's become schizophrenic.

LINA:	<as Washu> Yes, oh voice in my head.  The aid of science is bullshit.

SHINJI:	<as voice in Washu's head> Very good.  Now slaughter that little
blue-haired girl and offer her blood as a sacrifice to me.

>When she got down to her lab she got a surprise, the subject 
>was gone!

NEWJERSEY:	Finally, without the stranger, this fic goes nowhere.

>After a bit of searching she discovered that he had 
>fallen off the table

RYOKO:	I think she'd find him right off the bat, it wouldn't even require "a
bit" of searching.

EVA:	Well, sometimes you can be looking right at something and not see it. 
That's just cognition.

RYOKO:	Yui, you don't get it.  "A bit" of searching in mom's lab would cover
enough space to put the whole Geofront to shame.

RITSUKO:	<In comm window> Will she lease out some space to NERV?

WASHU:		<In another comm window> Sure thing, I'll upload my rate sheet
right away.

RYOKO:	MOM?!  How did you get into the comm system here from our universe?!

WASHU:	Oh come on, Ryoko, you know I'm the greatest scientific mind in the
universe.  Oh, by the way, I took the liberty of upgrading the operating system
on the Magi.

RITSUKO:	You WHAT?!  How did you get into the Magi?

WASHU:	Come on, do you think three supercomputers can stop my subspace
mainframe?

	The comm windows close.

>and was lying face down on the floor, when 
>she tried to lift him she found he was rather light and that she 
>could carry him anywhere without any effort then finally she went 
>and got some breakfast, when she returned she found Ryoko trying 
>to remove the hat!,

NEWJERSEY:	Richmond, here's a hint.  Look at your main keyboard...the one with
all the letters and numbers on it.  Look at the key on the row second from the
bottom, third from the right.  It should have a little dot at the bottom of it. 
This is called the period key.  You use it to end a sentence.  Next
lesson...how not to weld sentences together into one big string of text.

EVA:	Only a little condescending there...

SHINJI:	How light is this guy?  For Washu to lift him he can't be more than
thirty pounds or so...

CUTTER:	If she tries to remove anything else from his body, he'll probably
float off into space.

LINA:	Hmmm...

RYOKO:	Bad idea.  She'd be scraping stranger-bits off the celing of her lab
for days.

>  "so you wanted to try it too?" said Washu, 
>surprising Ryoko. Ryoko's reply was spat out at Washu,

RYOKO:	Pah-TOOOEY!

>"I thought 
>that since you were trying to get the hat off, I would come and 
>help. But it seems stuck and I can't cut it at all.",

LINA:	Apparently the author has a surplus of commas and a shortage of
apostrophes.

> "YOU DID 
>WHAT!" screamed Washu,

NEWJERSEY:	The most genius scientist in the universe doesn't know what's going
on?

RYOKO:	It's called a rhetorical question, dogshit-for-brains.

	Newjersey growls.

> gathering herself, she said "you don't try 
>to cut his hat off incase you injure him."

EVA:	<as Washu> If you take that hat off, there won't be any more weight
left and he'll float away!

RYOKO:	Aw, can't I just cut his head off and save you the trouble?

CUTTER:	There's a possibility...

>"I was only trying to 
>help you" replied Ryoko and with that she teleported to go and 
>pick on Ayeka. "Good, she's gone" said Washu under her breath.
>

RYOKO:	Yah right, like I go out of my way to find her and pick on her.  Too
much energy, better spent on other things.

LINA:	Like trying to get Tenchi into the sack?

RYOKO:	Something like that.

>That afternoon after lunch Washu decided that she would give up 
>trying to remove the hat and object from the stranger as she had 
>been trying all morning.

CUTTER:	Maybe if she tried using her hands instead of the power of her mind...

>It was when Washu gave up she noticed 
>that he had an ear-ring in his left ear and the jewel in it was 
>black and that he had a cross hanging around his neck and this was 
>also made from the black jewel

CUTTER:	THE PERIOD KEY, YOU IDIOT!  USE THE PERIOD KEY!

>and it was engraved with 'G.F. 
>warrior' in really small writing.

NEWJERSEY:	G.F.?

LINA:	Gay Flaming Warrior?

SHINJI:	Might fit.  How about Generally Fucked?

EVA:	Green Fart?

CUTTER:	Gas Fire?

RYOKO:	Gone Fishing?

NEWJERSEY:	Go Fuckyourself?

>She also noticed that he needed 
>a shave and that while he was recovering he still grew a beard

LINA:	Okay, hold on...Washu only NOW notices that males grow beards?

RYOKO:	OOC to the nth degree.

>but 
>it wasn't growing very fast, which puzzled Washu, but then again 
>this is nothing new.

CUTTER:	What, that Washu is puzzled?  From what I've gathered about Tenchi
Muyo, she doesn't get puzzled that often.  I'd say this would be something new.

NEWJERSEY:	Wow, Cutter, you learned the Tenchi basics fast.

CUTTER:	I have to learn fast.  It's how I survive.  Speaking of which, is beard
growing a conscious act of will?

NEWJERSEY:	On a normal human, no.

>Washu then decided to leave him in peace for 
>today.
>

LINA:	 A peace here, a piece there...

SHINJI:	Lina, that was worse than the pun about the pronouns in the last MST.

>chapter 4: getting up!
>

RYOKO:	First one to make a hentai remark...

NEWJERSEY:	Relax, it would be too much of a reach with that line.

>When Washu went to check on him she was mildly surprised to find 
>him floating in mid-air, then after a while it dawned on her that 
>he was floating on his own!

EVA:	<as Washu> Ryoko!  What did I tell you about the hat?!

CUTTER:	I knew it, I knew that hat was holding him down.

LINA:	<as Washu> Dammit, did I put a helium tank on his respirator instead of
oxygen?

>Washu called Ryoko who was really 
>shocked

NEWJERSEY:	Pleased to meet you, Shocked.  I'm Newjersey.

RYOKO:	I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

>and this disbanded that it was Ryoko playing a trick!

SHINJI:	Disbanded?  The Masaki household is going the way of the Beatles!

EVA:	That's a reach...

NEWJERSEY:	It's also better than what the author had in mind, I'll bet.

>then 
>as mysteriosly as he began to float he began to descend,

LINA:	Duh, what goes up, must come down.

>feeling a 
>lot of different emotions,

RYOKO:	I got it!  It's the Peter Pan effect!

NEWJERSEY:	What?

RYOKO:	Oh come on, don't you remember the story with the magic dust?  Think
happy thoughts and you defy gravity!  I'm sure mom must have something like
that somewhere in the lab...

CUTTER:	She probably has Tinkerbell in formaldehyde.

RYOKO:	I wouldn't be surprised.

EVA:	Speaking of defying gravity, why isn't anyone's hair floating?

	The MSTers all stop and look at each other.
	
SHINJI:	Well my hair's too short to notice...but I've wondered that about
Asuka.  She's got long hair and none of that floats around.

NEWJERSEY:	That is odd...I mean this is a fluid-filled environment.

>Washu looked at Ryoko then went and had 
>lunch.

LINA:	 <as Washu as Hannibal Lecter> I ate her masses with some fava beans
and a nice chianti...<slurpslurpslurp>

RYOKO:	You do that too well, Lina.

>After lunch Tenchi came 

NEWJERSEY: In more ways than one.

REST OF CAST:	NEWJERSEY!

CUTTER:	<as Tenchi> WOW!  Now that was a GREAT lunch!

REST OF CAST:	CUTTER!

>and had a look and he was more 
>shocked that Washu was because the stranger was sitting up!,

LINA:	There's that rigor mortis again...
 
>Tenchi shot out of the lab

SHINJI:	WHOA!  That boy's got range!  <WHAM!>

	Eva pounds Shinji's head in with her fist.
	
EVA:	Shinji no hentai!  I should wash your mouth out with soap!

CUTTER:	Who needs hammerspace when you have an Eva?

NEWJERSEY:	Spontaneous hentai...I think we're becoming seasoned MSTers.

>and ran straight into Washu, 
>"h..h...he's u..up,"

CUTTER:	When did Tenchi develop a stuttering problem?

EVA:	Maybe it's hypothermia.  Ryoko, does your mom stock any liquid nitrogen
about the lab?

RYOKO:	Knowing her, she's got colder stuff than that.

LINA:	Liquid helium?

RYOKO:	Aeka.

NEWJERSEY:	That was cold, Ryoko.

LINA:	<muttering> and he says MY puns are bad...

>gathering himself Tenchi said "he's", "up" 
>replied Washu and ran in to the lab to find.....
>
>chapter 5: surprise!

ALL:	<singing, as streamers are deployed> Happy birthday to you, happy
birthday to you...happy birthday dear Washu...

CUTTER:	You know, we missed some good grammar riffs.

EVA:	So?  I think we're getting tired of them anyway.

>
>The stranger sitting up still alseep! but sitting up anyway,

SHINJI:	I don't know what needs more krazy glue...the causality hole or these
sentence fragments.

>then 
>Washu poked him in the ribs

EVA:	...with the spear of Longiuss.

RYOKO:	Stick a fork in him, he's done.

>to be sure that he was still asleep, 
>and to her surprise she got a sleepy "fuck off!"

SHINJI:	Sounds like Misato in the morning.

NEWJERSEY:	<as Washu> Well, if you insi...

	Eva backhands Newjersey into the back wall of the theater.

>, a bit miffed she 
>slapped him and got the same reaction and with that she decided to 
>let him be and just observe him.
>

LINA:	<as the Crocodile Hunter> Ay mate!  Check out the weapons on that
sleepin' stranger!  One hit from that sword and you could bleed out and die in
a second!  Let's touch it!

EVA:	Let's not and say we did.

>She sat there all day not moving and happened. 

NEWJERSEY:	Once again, "Zero Wing."

>Then at three in 
>the
>morning she crawled in to a make-shift bed next to him

LINA:	<as a four-year-old Washu> Daddy, I had a scawy dweam...can I sweep wif
you tonight?

RYOKO:	I have a hard time believing she would need a makeshift bed, when she
could just write a decent one into existence with her subspace computer.

>so if 
>anything happened she would know. When she a woke she got a shock

CUTTER:	See, that's why you ground yourself carefully when working with
electricity.

>the stranger was gone, when she sat up there was an even bigger 
>surprise, the stranger moved her to where he was, where it was 
>comfortable, and lay where she was, where it was not as 
>comfortable. 

LINA, RYOKO, EVA:	WHAT?!

NEWJERSEY:	Could this be a new record for self-insertion?  Into the sack
without even the slightest attempt at character development?

CUTTER:	If they're sleeping together, it's more comfortable for Washu, but less
comfortable for the stranger?

	Ryoko facefaults.
	
RYOKO:	So why'd the stranger move her in the first place?

>She tried to poke him but stopped incase there was 
>more
>responce than she was ready for.

SHINJI:	Shouldn't he be poking her?

LINA:	FIREBALL!  <*FOOM!*>

>
>chapter 6: time for breakfast
>
>Washu decided to have her breakfast in the lab and even got Sasami 
>to make the stranger some breakfast too, because if he woke up he 
>was bound to be hungry after all he had been out for 4 days'

NEWJERSEY:	I think the author's had way too much caffiene.

> and 
>his vital signs had remained the same all that time, but what was 
>strange was they were the vital signs of a person who was working 
>out in the gym.

EVA:	He has these kinds of vital signs in bed?  Maybe Washu needs to check
his sheets rather than his EKG.

CUTTER:	The things you humans do...

NEWJERSEY:	I resent that!

LINA:	You get laid regularly?

NEWJERSEY:	My sex life is none of your business.  I meant I'm not human.

LINA:	Ah...must be the leg-humping.

NEWJERSEY:	<growls>

>When he was still asleep at noon Washu splased 
>cold water on him or at least tried because as soon as it came out 
>of the bucket it froze in mid-air and became a sign saying 'don't 
>try it!'

SHINJI:	So he's taking cues from Genma Saotome?

>this got Washu relly miffed and she went to shake him 
>when the ice became water again an soaked Washu, really stressed 
>Washu yelled "GET UP YOU LAZY SON OF A ......" so loud Yosho herd

CUTTER:	There's a Yosho herd now?

SHINJI:	Guess Tenchi wanted to expand his farming from only carrots.

NEWJERSEY:	<as Yosho> Moo.
 
>it at the shrine and to her surprise the stranger turned over and 
>carried on sleeping. Washu decided to have a soak in the onsen 
>before she caught a cold and she decided she would dump him in as 
>well!.

LINA:	She's not seriously thinking about taking a bath with...

RYOKO:	<hurls>

CUTTER:	Does this guy have a name?

RYOKO:	I don't think so...I think he's just "stranger."

CUTTER:	Well even as far as humans go, he's pretty strange.

SHINJI:	So much talk about strangers.  It's starting to sound like "Dark City."

EVA:	<to Shinji, waving a hand in front of his face> Sleep...now.

	Shinji falls asleep in his seat.
	
NEWJERSEY:	Wow.  That actually worked.

>
>chapter 7: bathtime!
>
>Washu stripped bare but decided to leave the stranger fully 
>clothed,

RYOKO:	<clutching her stomach> Oh boy, the author has some sense...

>"if his phone isn't waterproof, tough!" thought Washu and 
>dumped him in the hot spring, and to her surprise he carried on 
>sleeping as if someone put a sheet on him,

LINA:	Given all that he's done so far IS sleep, should anybody be surprised?

> and he even made a 
>smile in the water and this really stressed Washu so much she 
>kicked him when she got in!

CUTTER:	That's gotta be difficult, doing a combat kick in the water...

EVA:	Even I need something other than B-type hardware to do that.

NEWJERSEY:	Could it be...the author's actually ended a sentence?  <Looking
down> Aw hell, I knew it was too much to hope for.

> and she went to kick him again but he 
>caught

LINA:	...the runs!

CUTTER:	...the hint?  That this fic sucks?

RYOKO:	...the Ebola virus, so he burst like a bloody melon.

>her foot, while he was still asleep. Washu suddenly heard a 
>mans' voice in her head,

SHINJI:	<as Washu> Oh damn, that schizophrenia again.

EVA:	<with lots of wierd vocal effects> You know me?  You know who I am?!

LINA:	Wow.  Somebody saw "The Cell."

>"If you kick  me again or anything else 
>for that matter, then you will be sorry, when I do wake up!",

NEWJERSEY:	What, does this guy have his own mental answering machine?

CUTTER:	<as Stranger> Please leave a message after the tone.

> and 
>with that Washu left him alone all day in the onsen (creeping 
>Tenchi out)

RYOKO:	Speaking from experience, I'm surprised ANYTHING can creep Tenchi out
anymore.

>and she finally dragged him out he was dry within 
>seconds

SHINJI:	...thanks to his Teflon coating!

>and this didn't bother Washu at all.
>
>chapter 8: I'm up, are you O.k.?
>

ALL:	NO!

>The next morning when Washu came to check on the stranger  she 
>tripped and as she fell she yelled, Washu noticed that she was 
>being held a few centimeters from the edge of the table and when 
>she turned she saw the stranger was holding her

NEWJERSEY:	Trying to translate this is worse than trying to follow Sana-chan
after she downed a double espresso.

>and this is when 
>she first felt the same pang she felt when she first met Tenchi, 

SHINJI:	Oh god, she's horny?!

	Ryoko barfs into the LCL.

>she felt as if she would melt in his hands if he held her any 
>longer

EVA:	Maybe you were right, Ryoko, this guy IS carrying the Ebola virus.

LINA:	Liquefaction, anyone?

>and with that she stood up straightened her clothes 
>although they weren't creased which she noticed, then he spoke, 
>"you should be more careful  little Washu you wouldn't want to 
>injure yourself, now would you?",

CUTTER:	The first vocal line this guy has, and he makes a veiled threat.  Great
first impression.

LINA:	<as stranger> You know, Washu-chan, this is a nice lab, it would be a
shame if anything were to happen to it.

>Washu noticed that was the voice 
>in her head then she scolded herself for not thinking it would be 
>his voice. Washu's first words were, "how did you know my name?",

EVA:	I'd think her first words would be 'mama,' 'dada,' and
'hyperdimensional matrix.'
 
>and also trying to hide her blushes, the strangers reply was "well 
>hello to you too, anyway its a long story 

ALL:	AS IF IT HASN'T BEEN ALREADY?!

>and can I please have my 
>weapons back?, I don't want to seem rude or arrogant but there may 
>be an emergancy and I might have to rush off".

RYOKO:	<as Washu> You know the law, there's a fifteen-day waiting period.

>
>chapter 9: time to meet everyone
>

RYOKO:	Shall I?

CUTTER:	By all means.

RYOKO:	Ahem.  Okay, wierd person, I'm Ryoko, and around the room, Tenchi,
Aeka, Sasami, Ryo-oh-ki, Yosho, Noboyuki, Azaka, Kamidake, Mihoshi, Kiyone. 
Thank you, now get out.

>Washu  still interested in how he knew her name, enquired about 
>his, "To my enemies I'm death, to my friends I'm Adam"

EVA:	<starts fuming> I spent my second life with synchronized with my son
trying to keep the Angels from getting at him, and now he's just walking around
where anyone can find him?!

SHINJI:	Mom!  We kinda screwed up when Rei got to Adam!  Besides, I don't think
this is the Adam we had in Terminal Dogma!

>was the 
>reply that Washugot and she was rather surprised at his wit 
>considering he had just woken up from almost a week asleep, asked 
>if he had a surname "asskicker" was the reply, "cute" was all 
>Washu could say.

LINA:	Do I detect a hint of sarcasm?

NEWJERSEY:	Wha...could it be?  YES!  HE ACTUALLY USED THE PERIOD KEY PROPERLY!

CUTTER:	"Asskicker?"  This boy has an inadequacy problem.

>The next person on for Adam to encounter was 
>Ryoko when she came through the wall next to him,

SHINJI:	Looks like you succeeded in getting Tenchi into the sa...

	Ryoko blasts Shinji across the theater.
	
EVA:	HEY!  THAT'S MY SON!

	Eva bitch-slaps Ryoko.
	
RYOKO:	<rubbing her cheek and fuming> If it weren't for that AT field...

>Ryoko seemed 
>very keen to introduce herself, but was rather put out  when he 
>said her name before she could.

LINA:	And then he said "ha ha, I knew your name before you did, you dumbass!"

	Ryoko forms the lightsword.  Eva pulls out a scale progressive knife.
	
EVA:	Go on.  I dare you.

NEWJERSEY:	<hands over his ears> EEEEYYYYYAHHHHH!!!

SHINJI:	Mom!  Put that thing away!

EVA:	What?

SHINJI:	That's an ultrasonic blade!  Newjersey can hear that!

EVA:	<disengaging the progressive knife> Oh.  Sorry about that...

NEWJERSEY:	Ears...still...ringing...

RITSUKO:	<in Comm window> Maybe the amplitude of vibration is set a bit too
high on that knife...

NEWJERSEY:	Gee, ya think?!

>then suddenly she felt for him the 
>same she felt for Tenchi. 

RYOKO:	Why that presumptuous son of a...

NEWJERSEY:	Ryoko, calm down!  It's just a fic!  Look...maybe the stranger
slipped something in your drink.

>There was silence for a few minutes then 
>Adam innocently said "when's lunch?".
>
>chapter 10: I'm starving!
>

LINA:	Me too.  I haven't had anything since breakfast...

CUTTER:	Is it just me, or are the chapters breaking faster than in a Thomas
Harris novel?

>At lunch Adam formally introduced himself to everyone

SHINJI:	<as Adam> Hi, I'm the SI character/author.  I'm more powerful than you
are, and I'm so sexy here that I'll even have Tenchi wanting to go to bed with
me, but I'm straight so I can reject Tenchi and put the smack down on him like
the little punk that he is, and I'll have passionate sex with...

RYOKO:	ENOUGH!  Gah!  Shinji, you do that too well!  Run-ons and all!

>and soon 
>found he had a few admirers making eyes

LINA:	<as a random admirer> Let's see...first the retina, then the lens, then
the iris and cornea...

>at him apart from Washu 
>and Ryoko, first Minagi tried to get him to go for a walk with her 
>down by the lake at sunset

NEWJERSEY:	Hopefully with the idea of gunning him down and ditching the body
in the lake.

>then Kiyone became very flirtitous 
>which incase you  didn't know was VERY unlike Kiyone.

RYOKO:	No, really?

>later Adam 
>explained how he came to be there  and what his powers were and 
>even demonstrated them.

CUTTER:	Translation: Noboyuki's homeowner's insurance premiums just went up a
few grand.

>
>Adam's powers incude:

NEWJERSEY:	Oh Lobos, he's going to list them all...this is bad.

>The ability to mainpulate the enviroment,

CUTTER:	Well that's pretty obvious considering fanfic writers usually do that
through the narrative...

>open portals to worlds' he's been to,

LINA:	Again with that damn misplaced apostrophe?!

>use all aspects of e.s.p. 
>for example telekineses, pryokineses,

NEWJERSEY:	I believe the root-suffix combination is "-kinesis," unless he's
talking about enzymes, in which case it would be "-kinases..."

EVA:	What about precognition?

SHINJI:	I knew you were going to say that.

REST OF CAST:	<groan>

>use all sorts of magic,

RYOKO:	Well, DUH, that's usually a catch-all to set up an SI power base.

>summon monsters, use materia (the multi-coloured balls which 
>contain monsters and magic) which is on his watch,

CUTTER:	Pokeballs?

LINA:	No, Materia.  Sometime we have to show you Final Fantasy VII.

NEWJERSEY:	I've played that...unfortunately the watch doesn't have materia
slots.  And Materia is kinda big.

> teleport, 

RYOKO:	Well la-dee-da.

>activate   a   guyver unit (upon hearing this Washu smiled),

RYOKO:	Uh oh...when mom smiles like that, it can't be good.

EVA:	<as Washu> Yes!  He prefers autoerotica with his bio-booster armor.

REST OF CAST:	YUI?!

EVA:	Well come on, I may be in an artificial bio-mechanical body, but I've
still got a human mind and soul!

	A comm window opens.

RITSUKO:	That explains why the entry plug has been cycling in and out at
night.

EVA:	RITSUKO?!  You've been watching?!  I'm trying to keep that private!

SHINJI:	Mom...that would mean the entry plug might have been full of...<vomits>

NEWJERSEY:	Guys, don't take this any further...we don't need to add the
hentai.  I'm not sure if everyone reading this will maintain clinical
detachment.

	The comm window closes.

> turn 
>invisble,

CUTTER:	And hopefully inside out...

>shoot harpoons which can open into claws from his hands,

NEWJERSEY:	<shifts werewolf> Big whoop.

>create smoke screens, breath fire,

LINA:	So he's just become Mink all of a sudden?

>freeze objects, sprout wings, 

LINA:	I hate being right.

SHINJI:	What are you talking about?  Mink can't freeze objects!

LINA:	She can breathe fire and sprout wings, though.

>shapeshift into anything ( this raised a smile on Ryoko's face),

RYOKO:	I can trick him into becoming a very large carrot and feed him to
Ryo-ohki...

NEWJERSEY:	<as Ryoko> I can trick him into becoming a very interesting
vibrator...

	Ryoko blasts Newjersey out of his seat, bouncing him off the AT field in
front of the screen, the celing, the rear wall, and lands him back in his seat.

RYOKO:	<dusting off her hands> Furball, side pocket.
 
>use all aspects of the force (both dark and light, for more info 
>play jedi knights: dark forces 2),

SHINJI:	Well he's citing his sources, at least.  But don't Force users pick a
side and stay with it?

>rapid healing, do all the moves 
>that Gouki/Akuma can,

LINA:	<as Adam> Well, let's see...back, B, A+X on the controller...and that
gives a ballistic uppercut...

EVA:	<As Gouki?> Well done, Grasshopper.  Now you may go out into the world.

>speak with animals,

CUTTER:	...and then be promptly rejected by his advances...

RYOKO:	That is SICK.

NEWJERSEY:	Hmmm...Hey Misato, you think sometime you could get Moro in here?

MISATO:	<in a comm window> We thought about it...but she is a wolf goddess. 
She wouldn't fit in the Entry Theater.

SHINJI:	Newjersey...of all people...

NEWJERSEY:	Hey, I'm a werewolf, Moro's a wolf goddess, there's nothing exactly
wrong with that!  You can't exactly call it bestiality if you happen to be an
animal of the like species yourself!

>become a half demon, 

EVA:	<as Inu-Yasha> Feh.

>steal souls and duplicate others powers just by touch ing bare 
>flesh.

LINA:	For he has harnessed the splitting of the gerund.

RYOKO:	Okay, there's an X-men ripoff right there...

>He also explained why he has many female 'admirers' (when 
>his powers awakened, women were suddenly attracted to him,

SHINJI:	That seems to happen a lot, and it correlates roughly to the time when
powers awaken.  Tenchi with the Tenchi-Ken and the Light Hawk Wings, Ranma with
the Jusenkyo Curse...

NEWJERSEY:	Yeah, but when Tenchi found the Tenchi-Ken, didn't Ryoko try to
kill him?

RYOKO:	Maybe you need to watch the OAV again, wolf-boy.  I was just letting
off a little stress.

>upon 
>hearing this Tenchi looked as if he was shot),

LINA:	<as Mihoshi> Oops...I thought the safety was on!

>that he knew many 
>'explosive' fighting styles

SHINJI:	Like Kung Fool and Nitwit-su.

EVA:	Grenades count as a fighting style?

>and that he is half vampire, and 
>didn't have any of the weaknesses but all of the strenghts (this 
>means he's a dhampire) and these are to just mention a few.

NEWJERSEY:	So let's review.  Adam is a ripoff of the Final Fantasy games,
Ryoko, the Guyver, Darkstalkers, Dragon Half, Star Wars, Dragonball Z,
Inu-Yasha, Rogue from X-men, Blade, and probably a few others that I haven't
identified or the author hasn't mentioned yet.

>
>chapter 11: no need for that, Ayeka
>

CUTTER:	No need for WHICH Aeka?

RYOKO:	Any of her incarnations.  We don't need her.

>It had been a very uneventful two days even with the new guest who 
>would always help out saying "since I may be her for a while, I 
>may as well help out and anyway it saves me being lazy, after all 
>I slept roughly a week."

LINA:	<as Tenchi> No problem, even though you were in a coma for a week, you
can make up for your presence here by doing all our chores.

NEWJERSEY:	<as Tenchi> First you need to break up Ryoko and Aeka fighting,
then avoid being captured by Washu for a batch of "experiments."  That usually
only happens on a regular basis in fics, but since this is one, you'll have to
contend with that.  Next you'll need to go to the fields and pick about two
hundred pounds of carrots, come back here, train with Yosho, break up another
fight...

>the very next day Ayeka decided to see if 
>she could get Adam to do her chores for her by saying "I'm the 1st 
>princess of Jurai, and you are just a commoner, 

RYOKO:	Sounds like how I described her to Tenchi in "Tenchi Universe," but
this is just too OOC for me to stand.  Aeka would NOT try to shaft her chores
on anyone else, even if she is a princess.  She's trying...heh, in vain...to
get Tenchi into the sack.

>so you must do as 
>I say!, Adam on the other hand 

CUTTER:	So Aeka is narrating now?

NEWJERSEY:	Mr. Redmond, let me familliarize you with something called the
"fourth wall."  I will now bounce your head off of said wall repeatedly until
you either learn what it is, or install closing quotes when your characters are
finished speaking.  Then we will continue your lessons about the period key.

>just turned round and replied "I'm 
>the prince of the underworld and love in the same world, the 
>sultan of sarcasam

SHINJI:	<sarcastically> Oh sure you are.

>and the emperor of two realms: the realm of 
>D.Nukem and the realm of Ms.Croft, 

LINA:	<as Adam> That's right, I am the GOD OF MY PLAYSTATION!

>so put that in your pipe and 
>smoke it!

EVA:	<as Aeka> I'm sorry, I don't have a pipe, but maybe Yosho can let me
borrow one.

>oh, I just remebered! I'm soon to take the throne of the 
>Garibaldian world, I'm also the royal doctor on Tekkenous" and 
>with that he turned back playing cards with Sasami using a deck of 
>beautiful cards with pictures of people and monsters on.
>
>Ayeka did her work in silence while thinking about what had been 
>said to her,

RYOKO:	<as Aeka> Well he surely didn't make any grammatical sense whatsoever.

>when she struck upon the idea of trying to become 
>friends "in the loosest possible terms! because then the Jurain 
>army will be unmatched" thought Ayeka saying the last part out 
>loud.

CUTTER:	<as Aeka> MWAHAHAHAHA!

LINA:	<as Adam> Aeka, you're not planning on becoming friends with me in the
loosest possible sense to use me as a weapon, are you?

RYOKO:	What a weapon.  Bad spelling and run-ons...the enemy will be begging
for mercy.

>Later Washu asked Adam for a sample, unaware that he knew 
>what she ment and was surprised when he refused instead of asking 
>of what and he said, "Oh, didn't I tell everyone that this world 
>is also a very good set of anmie programs of which there are three 
>VERY different types, comics, graphic novels, videos, postcards, 
>pictures both hentai and non hentai, fanfics, websites, DVDs,  
>various merchandise, artbooks, 3 movies, a set of videos set in an 
>alternative world where Sasami is a super-heroine? and there's two 
>computer games and  a set of collectors cards as well as a radio 
>show. after all I was thinking about a new fanfiction I read when 
>I was teleported here."

EVA:	<as Washu> Er...why...no, I didn't know about all that.  (whispering to
Ryoko) how come we're not getting a cut of the profits?
 
>
>chapter 12: Enter the enemies (that sounds disgusting!)
>

	From outside the Entry Theater, the sound of six simultaneous facefaults,
including that of the Eva sim body, can be heard.

RITSUKO:	Wow!  Now THAT's what I call synchronization!

NEWJERSEY:	He anticipated the hentai comment...

RYOKO:	Okay, let's hope he doesn't ACT on it!

>The next afternoon as everyone was preparing for a meal that Adam 
>was cooking, a shadow decended upon the house.

SHINJI:	<as Adam> Oh dear, the sushi is on fire.

CUTTER:	<ditto> Maybe taking cooking lessons from Akane Tendo was a bad idea.

>On board 'The 
>Tomba' there was a fleet of strange looking hybrids, some looked 
>like a cross between a snake,a man and a dog,

LINA:	He could just have easily said "chimera" and we'd get the same idea.

>whilst others are 
>simply un-describle (think your worst nightmare and multiply it by 
>1000 and your not anywhere near it).

RYOKO:	Aeka getting Tenchi?!

NEWJERSEY:	Cthulhu?

LINA:	Being locked in a small room with a laughing Naga for eternity?

CUTTER:	Being separated forever from my lifemate and cubs?

EVA:	Ending up on a used mecha lot?

SHINJI:	Waking up without my penis?

	All of the males wince.
	
CUTTER:	You win.

>
>When the meal was ready there was the call of " do you smeeellla 
>what the doc.... is cookin'",

NEWJERSEY:	Doc?  Doctor Hannibal Lecter?

RYOKO:	You know, if this turns out like "Hannibal," I'd actually see it as an
improvement.

> "That was the best meal I ever had! 
>no offence, Sasami." said Tenchi, Sasami's reply was

EVA:	<as Sasami> Tenchi, you insensitive bastard!  <as Tsunami> You will
DIE!

>"none taken, 
>because it was the best I ever had,too!",   then Mihoshi asked 
>"what was the different types of food did we have again?", before 
>Adam had chance to reply Ryoko answered: "brains

SHINJI:	It IS the end of "Hannibal!"

NEWJERSEY:	Ask and ye shall recieve, Ryoko.

> with sheeps guts 
>boiled in..., Mihoshi suddenly turned very green, then Adam said: 
>"We had a chilli con carni,  then lemon grass chicken, plaice 
>fillets with koi and fish stock spiced with a secret blend of 
>spices". Mihoshi changed back to her natural skin tone as Adam 
>looked at Ryoko and she just smiled sweetly and layed a hand on 
>his knee which

RYOKO:	...applied swift pressure and crushed his kneecap to powder.

>he swept off in a split second much to Ryoko's 
>surprise at such speed.

LINA:	Zero to gay in 0.1 seconds.  Wow.

>Then his watch started to beep, at this he 
>stood up walked out side and watched as a huge ship de-cloaked in 
>front of him.

CUTTER:	<as Adam> Yep, four o'clock, time for the first alien attack.

>
>chapter 13: so there you are!
>
>Suddenly a female voice was heard saying "heads up!", Adam looked 
>straight up and a very large rucksack with a metal frame strapped 
>to it hit him right in the forehead, laying him out on the floor.

SHINJI:	For an overpowered SI, his staying power really sucks.
 
>A few hours later when he woke back up he was fine, he found Washu 
>trying to open the bag to see what was in it and if she could take 
>it apart to see how it works.

RYOKO:	<as Washu> Why...it's a bag!  It's incredible!  By taking it apart, I
have discovered that it holds things!

>Adam crept up on the unsuspecting 
>Washu and tapped her lightly on the shoulder, this had a 
>devastating effect on her as her 

EVA:	...heart abruptly stopped.

>jumped over  the bag in a sitting 
>position.

SHINJI:	WOW!  She could do that while sitting?  She's got some incredibly
powerful butt muscles!

RYOKO:	She uses them as a last line of defense against Lemon authors.

>"Don't you know curiosity kiled the cat?" said Adam to a 
>terrified Washu, who stammered "l..l...lucky f..f..for m..me I'm 
>not a cat"

NEWJERSEY:	He must have hit the "stutter" pressure point.  You know, wasn't
Tenchi doing that earlier?

CUTTER:	Must be something in the lab.

>recovering with every word. "if your so eager then I 
>will show you, anyway did you try to get a sample while I was 
>out?" Washu just blushed and answered   " yes, but I couldn't get 
>your

LINA:	<as Washu> Crotch under the microscope so I could see where to get a
sample from.

>buttons open.", at this Adam just looked as he normally does, 
>blank.

SHINJI:	From being more cocky than Asuka to having less emotion than Rei.  All
he needs is more angst than me and he can pilot all 3 Evas.

>
>After Adam opened the bag with no effort at all he emptyed the 
>contents on to the floor, out came: two swords, a double barreled 
>mini rocket launcher, a sinper rifle that needed to be assembled, 
>a dessert eagle handgun, a dozen boxes of explosive ammo and a 
>dozen of splinter ammo for the dessert eagle

NEWJERSEY:	Ah, the tastiest firearm on the planet.

>   a laptop with zip 
>drive and cd-rom drive, a bag full of potions and vials and other 
>items,

RYOKO:	<as Adam> It's my portable meth lab.

>a miniture strange looking motorbike, what look like an 
>army of toy monsters, a  copy of the Tenchi Muyo! encyclopedia, a 
>copy of the Anime compaion, copys of the graphic novels: Samurai 
>space opera and Magical girl pretty  Sammy, a floppy disk with 
>'Tenchi fanfics'  written on it,

EVA:	Tenchi!  Quick!  Grab that and burn it!

>a black  pokeball and finally a 
>Playstation with a huge range of games covering every genre (rpg, 
>fighting, racing, shooting, etc.).
>
>It was then that the attack started .
>
>chapter 14: time to attack!
>

RYOKO:	As was previously stated.

>The first wave consisted  of  mostly the snake/dog/man cross 
>stroming the house, the furthest they got was the windows,

EVA:	And then they hit a general protection fault and were stopped by the
blue screen of death.

>as Adam 
>had sensed them coming and with that he sped around the house 
>leaving clones,

LINA:	<singing> Send in the clones...

NEWJERSEY:	The puns just keep getting worse.

>they lack his powers but they have his 
>intellegance and fighting skills,

RYOKO:	In other words, none whatsoever.

>to defend it from the invaders. 

SHINJI:	<as Shun> Gaaaaaate...OPEN!

NEWJERSEY:	Ack!  Shinji, don't mention Gatekeepers!

SHINJI:	Something wrong?

NEWJERSEY:	We don't need to be giving this author ideas for any powers he
might have missed.

>Then everyone noticed that he house was surrounded by the enemy, 
>Yosho was on his way to see why Tenchi was late for pratice, 
>"wouldn't be surprised if it was the girls who were keeping him 
>away, I wonder...", his mind wondered, then it snapped back in 
>place

CUTTER:	<as Yosho> Oh dear, I seem to have dislocated my brain.

>when he saw the house surrounded by strange monsters and he 
>was suddenly astouned

RYOKO:	Yosho?  *Astounded?*  That's a first in ANY Tenchi universe.

>when everyone came

NEWJERSEY:	ORGY!

	The next set of events can be heard around the entire geofront.  Shinji's
fist, Ryoko's energy blasts, Cutter's New Moon sword, Eva's Progressive Knife,
and Lina's spells converge on Newjersey's seat.

NEWJERSEY:	Ow...

>out of the house like 
>they were surrendering when suddenly....
>
>TO BE CONTINUED ...(maybe)
>

ALL:	YES!  WE GET A BREAK!

>chapter 15: the fight begins! (at last!)
>

	Pause, then...
	
ALL:	NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

>Everyone emerged from the house then one of the creatures came 
>forth and said "I see that you think resistance is futile and that 
>you will be assimilated to become one of us, we will use your 
>bodys for their genetic codes and we will eliminate all weaknesses 
>in your bodies while increasing our strengths with your 
>strengths".

SHINJI:	May I make a not-quite-hentai comment?

EVA:	I suppose...

SHINJI:	Well, this is a Borgasmic experience about to happen, isn't it?

LINA:	FIREBALL!

	Lina toasts Shinji to a golden brown.
	
LINA:	I make the bad puns around here!

> "I didn't say I was giving up," said Adam " I don't 
>know about the rest of you but I will kick your butt so hard, the 
>next 5 generations are gonna bruised!",

CUTTER:	<as Borg> Generations are irrelevant.  We have version numbers.

> and with that Adam took up 
>a fighting stance with the strange metallic object held lenghtways 

EVA:	<as Dark Helmet> I see your Schwartz is as big as mine...

	The other five people converge on Eva in an attack, but get bounced off and
sprawl about the Entry Theater.

RYOKO:	Damn...AT field.  Forgot.

>and two plasma blades came out each end, "how do you like my 
>plasma staff, I made it myself.",

SHINJI:	Each end?  He really does swing both ways.

> Tenchi had Tencikken ready with 
>the blade out,

NEWJERSEY:	But it failed him because it wasn't the *Tenchi-ken.*

>Ryoko had her beam sword as did Minagi, Washu stood 
>there with a huge gun, Mihoshi and Kiyone stood with GP shockwave 
>cannons and Ayeka was wearing her Juraiain battle suit

LINA:	<as fashion show announcer> This fashionable suit by Chanel of Jurai
combines functionality with style.

>(see 'we 
>need tenchi' episode #7). The battle was hard won and it lasted an 
>hour, then the second wave arrived.
>

CUTTER:	Wait...what happened to the fight?!  He describes his coma in every
dull detail...what about the fight?!

RYOKO:	Intense obscure action, anyone?

>The second wave was of creatures that looked like the first wave 
>execpt bulker and there was some other type of creature which 
>looked like a baboon with double jointed arms, an aligator, a frog 
>and it was bi-pedal.

NEWJERSEY:	Okay...so a double-jointed babboon is one type of creature, an
alligator is another, and a bipedal frog is the last?  Or is this another
chimera?

EVA:	Either way, we're not missing much.

> Adam and the others flew through the 
>creatures that looked like the first wave but made a terrible 
>discovery when they attacked the of the creatures, they can split 
>in two!

SHINJI:	Oh how nice.  Just like Israfel.

CUTTER:	Who?

SHINJI:	Israfel.  That's the Angel that splits into two bodies when attacked.

> "SHIT!" yelled Ryoko when a creature did this and

NEWJERSEY:	...Adam of course complied, promptly filling his pants.
 
>surrounded her, both Adam and Tenchi shot over

SHINJI:	I think we've exhausted that double entendre.

>and took one side 
>each, soon there were little chunks where the creature was and 
>standing there was Adam and Tenchi was shaking hands. 

RYOKO:	And someone set up them the bomb and all their base are belong to them.

NEWJERSEY:	That actually made more sense than what the author wrote.

>Soon however 
>this battle was over and the ground shook as one HUGE creature 
>with six arms came out

EVA:	...and then the life meter labeled "Boss" appeared above their heads...

NEWJERSEY:	Note...add subtlety to the list of things to teach this author,
after use of periods, spelling, grammar, and extreme pain.

>and just his voice shook the ground, he 
>spoke and said: "SO YOU HAVE DEFEATED MY SQUAD LETS SEE IF YOU CAN 
>BEAT ME!!!", everybody attacked at once and every attack that hit 
>did nothing, and he managed to deflectect most attacks,

LINA:	But since he couldn't *deflect* any attacks, they all connected and did
extreme damage.

>he soon 
>how ever turned the tide of the battle  and everytime he struck it 
>would connect with someone.

RYOKO:	Sometimes Yosho, sometimes Noboyuki, sometimes a half-dead chimera,
sometimes himself...

>
>chapter 16: we need...A break
>

EVA:	How about one between the third and fifth vertebrae for the author? 
Instant kill right there.

>Thats it, now I'm pissed off!, your gonna die you son of a bitch!" 
>yelled Adam when he saw what was happening to Ryoko, she was being 
>crushed in his hand like she was fresh air

SHINJI:	How do you crush fresh air?

CUTTER:	Probably in the same way as breaking wind.

LINA:	In that case, light a match.

>and Adam saw that in 
>his other hands were Minagi, Washu, Sasami, Kiyone and Mihoshi.

NEWJERSEY:	Wow.  Adam has the Tenchi cast in his hands.  Strength aside,
that's some incredible balance right there.

CUTTER:	I think he means that the 6-armed thing has the Tenchi cast.  Unless
growing extra limbs is part of his power...

NEWJERSEY:	Cutter, what did I tell Shinji?

CUTTER:	Oops.  Right.
 
>Adam used every weapon he had on his body and they all had no 
>effect, he used every fighting style and none of them worked not 
>even the Hokuto Shin Ken style worked or any of the other six 
>Nanto Sei ken styles, he even used the forbidden techniques, the 
>Shungokusatsu (also known as the raging demon' or the 'hell blink 
>murder')and the technique only known as 'king fist', both of which 
>can kill the person who executed the moves,

RYOKO:	Well he obviously BOTCHED them if he's still alive!

> he used the 'hudred 
>crack fist', the 'lone eagle fist' and the 'waterfowl fist' which 
>cut Ryokos favorite green and pink dress (the one with the tail) 
>which really stressed Ryoko and she started to hurl

EVA:	Anyone doubting the accuracy of that?

SHINJI:	Not me, this is stressing me so much I'd rather hurl too.

NEWJERSEY:	Then he used the 'Chicken Fist' and the 'Hamster Fist' and the
'Stroking Fist...'

>abuse to Adam, 
>who as always took it in his stride and simply replied; " be 
>thankful it didn't hit you properly or you would of fallen into 
>thousands pieces by now" this soon shut Ryoko up.

LINA:	...only for a moment, before she started laughing hysterically.

>
>"HAVE YOU FINISHED YET? ARE YOU READY TO ACCEPT DEATH?"

CUTTER:	<as Adam> No, but I will accept Visa, Mastercard, or American Express.

> said the 
>creature to Adam, who propmtly answered "fuck you!"

EVA:	<as the creature> I'm not that desperate, and you're not that lucky.

> "VERY WELL 
>THEN, YOU WILL DIE NOW!" said the creature raising his foot, and 
>stepping on Adam there was a sickening chrunch as blood flowed 
>from under the colossal foot. 
>

ALL:	....

SHINJI:	It can't be...

LINA:	But is it?

CUTTER:	That the SI is actually...

	There is a moment of silence, then...
	
ALL:	YIPEEE!  YAHOO!  PAAARRTY!  IT'S OVER!  IT'S FINALLY OVER!

	A comm window opens, Gendo's face is on the screen.  As usual, his hands
are together under his face.
	
GENDO:	Not so fast.  You still have five more chapters of this to go.

EVA:	GENDO!  How could you do this?!

GENDO:	Yui?  Well...I am still coming to terms with your cognizance.  In the
mean time, I am still being conspiratorial.

	The comm window closes.
	
EVA:	Newjersey, do you know any good divorce lawyers?

SHINJI:	Mom, I think NERV downsized them.

>chapter 17: OYAJJII!

ALL:	YAAAHHH! <jump behind their seats>

>(sounds: oi-ya-ge, think Dan from Street 
>Fighter Alpha/zero 2)
>

LINA:	Think Adam getting kicked in the groin.

	All of the males wince.

>Ayeka and Tenchi where still out cold

RYOKO:	*Still?*  When did they get knocked out in the first place?

SHINJI:	Maybe they're narcoleptic?

EVA:	Uh, son, given their proximity on the ground and the fact that they are
asleep, that would technically mean they're sleeping with each other...

RYOKO:	<fuming> The...author...dies.  <comes to her senses> Oh wait.  He's
dead already.

>when the creature walked 
>toward them with his captives all crying at loss of their new 
>friend,

RYOKO:	<feigning tears> I wanted to kill him!

SHINJI:	<as a crying Washu> Not if I got to him first!

LINA:	<as a crying Sasami> Get in line, you two!

>they suddenly heard a familiar voice in each of their 
>heads and it said

CUTTER:	<as the Voice> Now you will all strip naked and engage in a wild,
passionate orgy!

	All of the MST'ers glare at Cutter.
	
CUTTER:	What?  At least you can pin the Lemon phenomenon on schizophrenia!

>"I didn't know you all cared, what a shame I'm 
>not dead."

RYOKO:	<Charging an energy bolt> Well, I'll just have to fix that!

>then it slowly dawned on the girls that it was Adam, 
>then there was a battlle cry it sounded like 'oyajjiii!', the 
>creature looked up and saw a black figure with a sort of armour

SHINJI:	<singing> ...hot dogs, Armour Hot Dogs, the
dogs...kids...love...to...BITE!
 
>that had a sphere at his waist, on his forehead and at the sides 
>of his head,

EVA:	Wait, he has *a* sphere...on his waist, forehead, and on each side of
his head...is this the same sphere?

NEWJERSEY:	It must be higher-dimensional, that's why it's in so many places at
once.

CUTTER:	Don't think too hard on this.  Grammatical error, remember?  Or if it
isn't, he could mean that this guy has one big sphere on top of him.

NEWJERSEY:	<shudder> Rolling boulder traps.  Don't remind me.

>above the sphere on his head was a green jewel, on 
>his head was rows of spikes, both his elbows had two long blades 
>on each, the armour moved at lighting speed at landed a blow that 
>knocked the creature off of its feet and it landed making a large 
>crater, when it got up it said: "THAT IS THE MOST POWERFUL BIO-
>BOOSTER ARMOUR THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN, WHERE DID YOU GET IT?" 

RYOKO:	<as Adam> It was on sale at Woolworth's for $29.99!

>" 
>Woolworths" was the reply from the Guyver. 
>

	Ryoko's jaw drops.
	
LINA:	Now that was just *wierd.*

SHINJI:	Big deal, you can get Guyver units shrink-wrapped in four-packs at
Costco.

>"IMPOSSIBLE, HOW COULD YOU OF SURVIVED?" said the creature "A good 
>magician never reveals how his tricks are done, Death can not 
>contain me, for I am death",

RYOKO:	That is one long-ass name for the creature.

NEWJERSEY:	<cough>missing comma<cough>

>then Two other guyvers appeared one 
>green and purple,

EVA:	<eyes flashing> How DARE he use my color scheme!

>the other was a purple that was so dark it was 
>almost black and it had   pink cords on it, the dark one spoke: 
>"Who are you and were did you get that guyver unit?"

CUTTER:	Woolworth's!  Weren't you listening?

LINA:	<as Sho> We just got here, cut us some slack!

>"It is not 
>from this dimension, and my name is death to my enemies and Adam 
>to my friends, now that the introduction is over can you help me 
>free my friends?"

RYOKO:	<as Sho> Well sure thing, but it'll cost ya.

>
>chapter 18: three on one? ...I'll allow it!
>

SHINJI:	DAMN YOU, MILLS LANE!

	All the MSTers stare at Shinji.

EVA:	Shinji, what was that about?

>The three guyvers formed a plan using the telepathic link

NEWJERSEY:	<as Adam> Agito, cut left and move up the outside.  Sho, long bomb
on two.  Got it?  Break!

LINA:	<as Telepathic Link> Thank you for using AT&T.

>and soon 
>put the plan in to action, they all attacked at once then 
>individually using a different abillity then all three used the 
>gravity weapon when the creature started to show signs of weakness 
>but the plan back fired as the gravity ball sped toward the 
>creature and then it sped back to its source,

SHINJI:	I've fought Eva battles at high speed that are easier to follow than
this.

>lucky the green 
>(Sho) and purple (Agito) managed to get out of the way while the 
>black one simply stood there and it vanished in front of him. The 
>creature stood there and said: WHAT!! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! NO THING 
>CAN STOP THE PRESSURE CANNON!" "nothing's impossilbe for me",

CUTTER:	<as Adam> Because I am the shameless SI author!

RYOKO:	Impossilbe, maybe not.  But I'll bet there are some things which are
*impossible* for him to do.

NEWJERSEY:	Like use periods to end sentences.

LINA:	Or use any sort of proper punctuation.

EVA:	Or use proper grammar.

SHINJI:	Or spell words correctly.

CUTTER:	Or have character development.

NEWJERSEY:	Or think, period.

LINA:	Or...well, have we covered them all?  Oh wait.  Or have any semblance
of originality.

	Meanwhile in the Eva control block...
	
MAYA:	Confirmed.  The pattern is blue!

MISATO:	Crap.  This isn't good.

GENDO:	Go to first stage alert.

MISATO:	We already ARE at first stage alert!

	Back in the Entry Theater...

> and 
>with that he vanished for sight and suddenly the creatures hands 
>fell off in pairs and seemed to flot down to the ground gently.

CUTTER:	What does it mean, "to flot?"

NEWJERSEY:	Well we could rule out the idea of it being something naughty,
since the author hasn't hit the lemon theme yet.

LINA:	What is it with this guy and floating objects?  Either he's using anime
physics or real physics, but I just wish he'd pick a physics standard and stay
with it.

>"Sho, Agito, get out of the way, he's gonna fire some weapon like 
>the mega smasher" shouted Adam just as the shoulders of the 
>creature opened up to reveal mega smasher type cannons which fired 
>straight away instead of carging,

RYOKO:	But since they didn't *charge,* the shot was a dud.

> luckily the two guyvers moved 

EVA:	...to Florida, having more dignity to retire than to stick around in
this fic.

>in 
>time. When the smoke had cleared Adam was standing there in front 
>of the creature in a deathlock, the creature had grown a new set 
>of hands, and was crushing Adam, when suddenly he bit deep in to 
>Adam's chest, 

SHINJI:	So if he's crushing Adam with his hands, that would mean he had to bite
through his own thumb?

EVA:	This from someone with experience in crushing people?

SHINJI:	<starting to sob> Not fair, mom...he was an Angel, I had to do it, he
even asked me!

EVA:	<placing an arm over her son's shoulder> I know, Shinji, there there,
it's all right...

>Adam screamed in agony, as blood spurted out of the 
>fresh wound, then suddenly the armour retracted "what the fuck?" 
>said Sho

SHINJI:	Only a little OOC there...

>as Adam was being crushed in to a bloody mess, already 
>blood was pouring from his mouth, as the others still trapped in 
>the hands,  watched in horror, when the creature lent forward, 
>opened his jaws and.....
>

ALL:	AAAH!  NO!

RYOKO:	Come on, let's see him die!  We have to confirm this!

MISATO:	<in Comm window> We've got a problem!  The fic is an Angel!  Pattern
Blue confirmed!

NEWJERSEY:	Wha...the pattern is blue?  The Angel is pregnant!

SHINJI:	Newjersey, it means that this isn't a simulation, this is the real
thing!

EVA:	Good thing I'm here to save the day.

RYOKO:	Self-insertion combated with self-insertion...it might actually work.

EVA:	Newjersey, cover your ears, I'm going to use the progressive knife!

	Newjersey flattens his ears to his head with his hands.  Eva brings out her
Progressive Knife, runs towards the AT field, and falls flat on her back.

EVA:	Ritsuko, you couldn't have made the umbilical a bit longer?!

RITSUKO:	<in comm window> Yui, your body has an S2 engine, it can run
independently.

EVA:	My real one, yes, but this is a simulation body!

SHINJI:	Oh just pop the umbilical free!

	Eva drops the umbilical power cord, going to internal power.  Engaging her
AT field, she jumps at the screen with the knife out, jamming it into the AT
field over the screen.  Ryoko charges up an energy bolt, Shinji holds one of
Newjersey's pistols in his hands, Lina is chanting, and Cutter makes ready to
spring.  Eva cuts a long vertical slit in the AT field...

LINA:	DRAGON SLAVE!

CUTTER:	AYOOOOAH!

	Ryoko and Shinji fire, Cutter launches himself at the screen, and Lina
casts her Dragon Slave.  The shots connect with the screen and explode, the
detonation briefly contained by the AT field before it fills the Entry
Theater...

	In the Eva control block...
	
MISATO:	What happened?  Did we kill it?

MAYA:	Unable to confirm.  Hold on, we're restoring visual sensors...

>
>TO BE CONTINUED......later
>

MISATO:	Tell me that means we got this one...

	Back in the Entry Theater...all of the MSTers are sitting in their seats,
smoldering from the explosion.

>chapter 19: later
>

ALL:	NOOOOOOOOO!

RYOKO:	This thing just doesn't quit!

CUTTER:	<dazed, sprawled in his seat> Did anyone get the number on that truck?

EVA:	I couldn't find the core!  We have to hit the CORE to kill it!

LINA:	Didn't you fight an Angel like this, Shinji?  The one that your Eva
ate?

EVA:	Don't remind me...I had gas pains for a week after that.

SHINJI:	Yes...but what if it's one of those "sea of dirac" Angels?

NEWJERSEY:	Heads up, incoming.

>Suddenly a Bokken flew forward and jammed the jaw wide open,

SHINJI:	<as Kuno> I shall smite thee!

> Adam 
>seizing the chance Adam shouted: "solid armour activation 
>sequance" then Adam was engulfed in light

RYOKO:	<as Adam> Aw crap, this can't be good...

> and when it subsided in 
>Adam's place was a robotic suit that was as black as tar and it 
>seemed to draw in the light,

LINA:	But of Adam, there was no sign.  The end.

>"time for a bit of fun!"

EVA:	<as Pinhead> Time...to play.

NEWJERSEY:	Somehow getting ripped apart by fishhooks would be preferrable to
enduring this fic.

>said the 
>suit as he gripped the beasts lower jaw and started to close its 
>mouth with the bokken still in place, soon there was the sound of 
>cracking

SHINJI:	As the reader's psyche folded under the poor quality of the fic...

>as the bokken broke, and Yosho walked over as if noting 
>was happening and calmly said: "That was my only bokken, when will 
>you be replacing it?"

RYOKO:	Uh, hold on.  Yosho might be calm most of the time, but he is capable
of action.  Remember, he *taught* Tenchi everything he knows about sword
combat.  Now the author's made him out to be some kind of Valium addict.

>"soon" was the reply from Adam as he managed 
>to close the creatures mouth with the bokken sticking through the 
>roof of the mouth. Adam sprouted twin blades out of his wrists and 
>severed off the creatures head,

SHINJI:	Dammit, NERV downsized the department of redundancy department!  What
are they still doing here?

>the body's grip was increasing as 
>an eye opened on the chest 

CUTTER:	What was the name of that Angel again?

SHINJI: Israfel?

CUTTER:	How did you finally beat that one?

SHINJI:	Well, we used a perfectly synchronized attack between two Evas.  When
the Angel split apart, it had one core on each body, so we had to strike at
exactly the same time when the bodies were still seperate.

CUTTER:	Think it'd work with this one?

SHINJI:	I don't know, we tried to find a core in this fic and couldn't.  It's
like one of those "sea of Dirac" Angels.

>"oh, my god,

NEWJERSEY: ...They killed Kenny!  You bastards!

>look at that" said Kiyone 
>as the fixed on Adam's stomach, then a set of jaws opened under 
>the eye. Adam jammed his blades in to the eye just as the creature 
>was going to  bite him, blinded,

RYOKO:	Is Adam or the creature blinded here?

EVA:	Somehow I wish we were.

	Newjersey sticks his finger down his throat and vomits into the LCL.
	
CUTTER:	That is SICK.  Well, at least the screen's a bit harder to see...

EVA:	Speak for yourself.  I have sonar and radar in addition to my eyes.

SHINJI:	Mom, can't I do anything?

EVA:	Well, if the power runs ou...

	Eva's eyes go dark and she is suddenly very still.
	
RYOKO:	What happened to Eva?

SHINJI:	<pause> She forgot to plug back into external power.  Before we had the
S2 engine online, she'd last for five minutes before the batteries ran out.

LINA:	Should I plug her back in?

NEWJERSEY:	It would be more humane just to leave the simulation body
unplugged, with that <indicates the fic> present.

SHINJI:	But we need the AT field and the progressive knife on the Eva!

LINA:	I can use the Ragna Blade.  We know that will cut the AT field.

SHINJI:	But what if it *is* one of those "Sea of Dirac" Angels?  What if you
get sucked through into a world of eternal bad fanfics?

	A long, horrified silence, then...
	
ALL:	AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
	
NEWJERSEY: Plug her back in, Shinji!  FIREPOWER!  WE NEED FIREPOWER!

	Shinji picks up the external power cord and plugs it into the socket on the
back.  A few seconds later, Eva-01-minature activates.

EVA:	Wha...Shinji, why?

CUTTER:	Nothing personal, Yui, but that body's one we can afford to lose!

EVA:	I suppose you're right...

> it loosened its grip and seizing 
>his chance Adam slipped free and a part on the helmet opened up 
>and so did the front of the torso and they started to charge with 
>energy just as he called to the guyvers to use their mega smashers 
>on the creature, 

EVA:	<Screaming> NO!  WRONG!  PULL THE PLUG!  PULL THE PLUG!

>the two guyvers fired their mega smashers just as 
>Adam fired his weapons and the creature was instantly destroyed 
>along with his ship and a few trees.

RYOKO:	A *few* trees?  In the first episode, just one megasmasher ripped a
trench at least a kilometer long!

>
>chapter 20: well, that was fun!
>

ALL:	NO IT WASN'T!

>Later that day everyone had thanked the two guyvers and invited 
>them to stay for dinner but they declined and left,

CUTTER:	So they invited the guyvers to dinner, but declined the invitation? 
How can you decline the invitation you give yourself?

NEWJERSEY:	Cutter, you're reading too deeply into it.

>soaking in the 
>onsen Adam was trying to avoid the attentions of the ladies by 
>encasing himself in stone

LINA:	Damn!  Do the Masakis have hard water or what?

>but that didn't last very long so he 
>just gave in and let them fuss over him, he didn't like it

RYOKO:	I knew it.  He must be gay.

EVA:	Ryoko, by that token, if Tenchi's trying to avoid the attentions of
both you and Aeka, would that make him gay?

	Ryoko fires an energy bolt which bounces off of Eva's AT field.
	
RYOKO:	DON'T YOU DARE INSULT MY TENCHI!

SHINJI:	<as Adam> Well, I'm just a major chick magnet and I have the hottest
women in several alternate dimensions as girlfriends...I'm just sick to death
of it!  But I guess I'll put up with it a bit longer...

> but, as 
>they say 'when in Rome...'

CUTTER:	...stab the emperor?

RYOKO:	...play the violin while it burns to the ground?

EVA:	...visit the coliseum and watch Russel Crowe fight to the death?

>Ryoko was trying to get him to remove a 
>baggy long sleeved t-shirt

NEWJERSEY: <as Adam> Damn, Ryoko, how did you get a baggy, long-sleeved T-shirt
stuck in *there?*

RYOKO:	Just *what* are you implying, furball?

>while Minagi was trying to get him to 
>remove a towel from around his waist, neither of them was 
>succesful in their efforts

SHINJI:	Krazy glue again.

>and Kiyone was just watching, amused at 
>the trouble he was in, sure he fought a hard

EVA:	The first Hentai comment earns the business end of my progressive
knife.

>battle and killed 
>many, yet he couldn't handle a pair of women fawning over him. 

NEWJERSEY:	Tough luck, pal, you become a chick magnet, you pay the
consequences.

CUTTER:	How would you know?

NEWJERSEY:	Just look at Ranma Saotome.

>He 
>managed to catch Washu stalking Tenchi, and he yelled a warning to 
>Tenchi and this annoyed Washu who came over to try and remove the 
>cloth he had on his face instead of his hat, he still wore his 
>sunglasses over the cloth though. 

LINA:	<as Washu> Dammit, just you wait until I get a hacksaw, some acetone,
and a surgical laser!

>
>chapter 21: the end is nigh 
>

ALL:	BULLSHIT!  YOU'VE BEEN IMPLYING THAT TOO MANY TIMES!

>Suddenly a portal opened and out stepped a man who was built like 
>Adam but he showed his face,

CUTTER:	...because he didn't have that wierd mask with all the eyes in funny
places...

EVA:	Wrong Adam, Cutter.

>had short hair like Adam without the 
>ponytail, and he wore a t-shirt with blue jeans. "Its time to come 
>home, so get your stuff and come on we gotta go see Chun-li and 
>then Armitge" said the stranger undisturbed that Adam was being 
>fawned over by what look like sisters but he knew better, they 
>were Ryoko and her daughter Minagi.

RYOKO:	<fuming> Like I'd fawn over this piece of...

>"chill bro there's no rush..."

SHINJI:	<as Adam> Hey, if you want romances from a mother and a daughter at
once, Misaki and Aeka are available...

>"but there is, shadowlaw have developed a portal making machine"

LINA:	<as Stranger 2> ...so we have to capture it and shamelessly insert
ourselves into other universes.
 
>within a flash Adam was out of the onsen and fully clothed. 
>"hadn't we better get going? anyway why should we go see Naomi? 
>"asked Adam to his brother Al.

NEWJERSEY:	We have a name.

> Because she couldn't contact you so 
>she contacted me and boy was she pissed! it was her birthday and 
>you swore you would be there, oh, I had better warn you she said 
>if you aren't there in four hours, she will hunt you down and 
>castrate you with a rusty butter knife."

	All the males cover their groins.

> "lovely so get there in, 
>mmm... say ten hours?" With that comment he said goodbye and that 
>"I'll be back, maybe not today, maybe not tommrrow but someday".He 
>then walked through the portal with his brother to return.....

RYOKO:	...never.

>
>some day soon
>

ALL:	NOOOO!

>(not the next day but the one after that, but thats another story, 
>so keep watch every month)
>

EVA:	That's it!  I can't take it anymore!

	Eva jettisons her external power umbilical again and rips out her
progressive knife, not bothering to wait the second for her shoulder pack to
open.

NEWJERSEY:	Yui, wait, you're going to...EEEYYYAHHHHHHHHRRRRGHHHHH!

	Newjersey writhes in pain, hands over his wolf ears as the progressive
knife activates, emitting ultrasonic frequencies at high amplitudes.  Once
again, she leaps at the AT field, jams her knife into it, and cuts a hole big
enough to climb through.  She jumps into the screen, knife out...

>                        NIGH   (THE END).
>

	...and is promptly sucked across the threshold.

>characters      played by
>
>Ryoko           herself

RYOKO:	Bullshit!  That's not me!

>Ayeka           herself
>Al              Adam 'Asskicker' Richmond

CUTTER:	Substitute 'l' for 'k' in that middle name and it might be more
appropriate.

LINA:	That was mildly uncalled for, Cutter.

CUTTER:	I'm bitter after enduring that.  Leave me alone.

>Mihoshi         herself 
>Minagi          herself 
>Kiyone          herself
>Tenchi          himself
>Sasami          herself

SHINJI:	At least he's got the gender right...
 
>Adam            adam'Asskicker' Richmond        
>Yosho           himself 
>Sho             himself
>Agito           himself
>Washu           herself 
>
>Did you find the referances to my games collection? If so e-mail 
>and tell me what games you found. 
>

RYOKO:	Depends.  Did you find our references to your imminent demise?

>Disclaimer:
>All the above characters execpt for the enemies, Adam and his 
>brother Al are copyrighted and so are most of the stuff I 
>mentioned. I didn't ask if I could use them but I did anyway. 
>Don't sue as I'm english and always skint

LINA:	He's English?  Could have fooled us.

CUTTER:	What, if I may ask, is a "skint?"

>
>any questions/compliants/spelling miztakez/cameos in my future 
>stories (not just Tenchi but others, please say which anime and if 
>I've seen it about, I'l l  write about it) 
>

RYOKO:	Just what did he mean by that, Newjersey?  Newjersey?

	Ryoko pokes Newjersey, who is knocked out and bleeding out his ears.
	
RYOKO:	Uh...I think I'm sitting next to a dead werewolf...

CUTTER:	My wolf-friend?!  NOOO!  THAT'S THE FOURTH ONE THIS MONTH!

	Shinji looks oddly at Cutter.

>Then don't hesiate to e-mail me @
>asskicker@richmond17.freeserve.co.uk 
>

	Celcia's face appears in a comm window.
	
CELCIA:	Uh, guys, you've got a slight problem...

CUTTER:	It's okay, the fic's over.

CELCIA:	No it's not, remember?  The fic is another Angel!  Yui's still in
contact with her miniature body and able to give it commands.

LINA:	So?

CELCIA:	She's gonna self-destruct her minature body!  You know what happens
when you detonate an Eva, don't you?

SHINJI:	<Suddenly getting a look of horror on his face> Mom!  Don't!  Wait
until we're out of the...

	The miniature Eva detonates in the sea of Dirac, unleashing enough energy
to overwhelm the imaginary circuit of the fic Angel's body.  Unfortunately,
this causes the Angel's own powersource to go critical, filling the Entry
Theater with white-hot plasma.

	A few hours later, in the NERV medical facility, Newjersey, in human form,
STILL wearing his fedora and fine leather jacket, is on a hospital bed with
gauze over his ears, an IV drip in one arm, and electrode wires trailing from
his body to an EKG.  More trail out from under his hat to an EEG.  The other
MSTers, still in plug suits, are looking over him.  All are bandaged and
scorched in places, even Ryoko, the person one would least expect to take
damage from such a blast.

SHINJI:	Damn that progressive knife...

RYOKO:	Think he'll recover?

SHINJI:	Yeah, he'll be on his feet...er...paws...within a day.  One thing about
NERV, the medical facilities are really good.

	The MSTers exit the hospital room and walk down the hallway, where they are
met by Gendo, Misato and Ritsuko.  Gendo, despite the fact that he's still
standing, still has his gloves in front of his face in a pensive pose that
wouldn't look so silly if he was leaning his elbows on a table or countertop.

SHINJI:	Father, how could you do this?

GENDO:	You know the answer, Shinji.  Your job is to fight the Angels.  You
will do it.  Or are you going to quit again?

SHINJI:	<looks aside in disgust> Someone has to save the world.  Rei keeps
blowing herself up and Asuka's too cocky for her own good.

MISATO:	I needn't remind you of the time you got too cocky for your own good.

RITSUKO:	At any rate, we have more new data and...

RYOKO:	Cut to the chase, doc!  Can we go home, or not?

RITSUKO:	Not right away.  As I said, we're working on it as fast as we ca...

	Ryoko grabs Ritsuko by the front of her lab coat and slams her against the
wall.

RYOKO:	THAT IS NOT THE RIGHT ANSWER, RITSUKO!  CAN WE GO HOME OR NOT?

MISATO:	Ryoko, stop behaving like your Shin Tenchi incarnation!  We're trying
to fix the causality hole problem, because we don't want a Fifth Impact on our
hands!

LINA:	I just want to know...if Adam's no longer a threat, why are we worrying
about a Fifth Impact?

GENDO:	Do not meddle in the affairs of conspirators, for they are subtle and
quick to anger.

MISATO:	At any rate, we may have a new "Adam" to contend with, so the
possibility of fifth impact is much greater now.

RYOKO:	I want to go home!

SHINJI:	Me too!

LINA:	What the hell are you talking about, Shinji?  You are home!

CUTTER:	Hey, you want to see if Quake's still installed on the Magi?

	The MSTers run down the corridor, followed by Misato in hot pursuit. 
Ritsuko stands there, fuming.

RITSUKO:	How DID they crack the Magi?

GENDO:	Maybe leaving all those post-its inside Casper with every code on them
was a bad idea.

RITSUKO:	<sighs> I had a feeling that would come back to haunt me.  Anyway,
Commander Ikari, why *do* you have your hands in front of your face like that
all of the time.

GENDO:	Never mind that, Dr, Akagi.  <mutters> If I ever get my hands on the
sonuvabitch who put krazy glue on my gloves...

FIN

AUTHOR'S NOTES AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Neon Genesis Evangelion is property of Gainax and ADV.  Tenchi Muyo is property
of AIC and Pioneer.  Those Who Hunt Elves is property of ADV.  ElfQuest is the
property of Wendy and Richard Pini of WaRP graphics.  "The Silence of the
Lambs" and "Hannibal" are written by Thomas Harris, "Dark City" and "The Cell"
are property of New Line Studios, "Hellbound: Hellraiser II" is property of
Miramax/Dimension, and Slayers is property of SoftX (fansubs are nice).  If I
missed anyone, you know who you are, you are duly acknowledged for your work.
I also must explicitly acknowledge Brook Kuhn for the riff: "The pattern is
blue!  The Angel is pregnant!"