Dolphin "Newjersey" Silverwolf (DolphinSWf@aol.com) MST Division Causality - MST #2 : "My Little Baby Cabbit" Remember how you should never give the fanfic author ideas? The MSTers of NERV wish they'd known that sooner... Author's note/Disclaimer: All names, concepts, and indicia thereof are property of their respective owners. (e.g., Harry Potter and related indicia are the property of J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers, the Event Horizon is copyright Paramount Pictures, Bun-Bun is the creation of Pete Abrams, "The World is Not Enough" is property of MGM/UA, and Cutter and ElfQuest are the creations of Wendy and Richard Pini of WaRP graphics.) The only things I claim for my own are Newjersey Silverwolf and the work I did on the MST. Credit is due to Brook Kuhn for many of the gags and riffs in this MST. I would also like to extend my respect to Ksawarrior and the Anime Port #9 crew, the original masters of the Tank Cop MST. When the Event Horizon activated its gravity gateway, it opened a hole into a dimension of pure chaos...pure evil. However due to some whacked law of physics involving black holes, Sam Neill ended up in Jurassic Park, while Lawrence Fishburne wound up explaining what the Matrix is using Ny-Quil and Day-Quil. The resulting causality hole rerouted the Ayekaprise from its intended course (if it ever had such a thing) into a crash dive with the planet Earth. The impact with Antarctica caused the earth to wobble wildly on its axis and radically change the climate. This was the so-called "Fourth impact," which was really starting to tick the people at NERV off...they didn't seem to be doing their jobs too well. So, Gendo Ikari, along with Dr. Ritsuko Akagi, conscripted one of the crew members of the Ayekaprise, Gendo's son, Shinji, and several characters pulled out of the trans-reality rift that was the causality hole. NERV struggles to fix the error the causality hole caused, but not before gathering as much data and intelligence as they can from their captives. The story opens in NERV Terminal Dogma, shortly after the end of the last MST, where we find Harry Potter and Ritsuko in what used to be the chamber of Adam. In the chamber there is a swirling vortex of energy roughly stapled to the crucifix that once held Adam. HARRY: So this is it? RITSUKO: Yes, Harry. We've fixed some of the causality hole, so we should easily be able to return you to your own dimension. HARRY: So I'll be able to go back to Hogwarts... RITSUKO: Yes... HARRY: And Ron and Hermione... RITSUKO: Of course... HARRY: And Voldemort and Snape and Malfoy and a whole bunch of Death Eaters all who would like nothing better than to see my head on a pike? RITSUKO: Er...Harry, come on, you know it has to be this way. HARRY: Why can't I stay here? I can pilot an Eva like Shinji! I survived the Entry Theatre! RITSUKO: Harry, why would you want to pilot an Evangelion? HARRY: So I can hear expressions of praise from my father! RITSUKO: Harry...er...your father's dead. HARRY: Oh yeah...well screw this! Harry jumps through the causality hole and is gone. Meanwhile, in NERV Central Dogma, the survivors of the Entry Theatre are looking out over the gigantic control center for NERV, the Geofront, and the Evangelion units. Standing on the observation deck are the MST'ers: Shinji Ikari (Angst-filled Eva pilot) Newjersey Silverwolf (Lycanthropic Archaeologist, Specialist in the Ayekaprise Crew) Celcia (Elder of the Elves) Ryoko (Genetically-engineered space pirate) Lina Inverse (Beautiful genius sorceress...but NEVER mention her chest) As well as important members of the support crew and command: Maya Ibuki (Computer technician) Misato Katsuragi (Member of NERV command) Gendo Ikari (Supreme commander of NERV) NEWJERSEY: I can't BELIEVE you let us go through that. MISATO: Eh...heh heh..well...all in the name of defending the world, right? And you did stop that Angel. SHINJI: You...left...me...in...there...without...my...Eva?! MISATO: Shinji, be reasonable, we couldn't fit EVA-01 into the Entry Theatre! And at least we know now that the Ragna Blade has as much power as the progressive knife! LINA: Well, I am the beautiful genius sorceress, after all. CELCIA: If you play up your ego too much, you're going to sound like Naga. Lina pounds Celcia with her fist. LINA: YOU STUPID ELF! DON'T EVER COMPARE ME WITH THAT OAV BITCH! SHINJI: Touchy, isn't she? MISATO: Maybe she's pregnant. All of the MST'ers stop and stare at Misato. MISATO: Well think about it! All of our food stores for the main cafeteria were cleaned out in less time than it takes EVA-01 to drain its storage batteries! And we have a crew of several thousand to feed! NEWJERSEY: Think about it. This is Lina Inverse we're talking about. RYOKO: She does go on a food binge a la Ayeka...but she doesn't gain the weight. NEWJERSEY: Ayeka goes on food binges? RYOKO: Sorry...flashback to the last fic. MISATO: <Pulling out a box> Speaking of bodily dimensions, I have three things to say, one of which will come at the briefing. SHINJI: Brief...you're not serious...we're not going to do that again... MISATO: Come on, Shinji, you've been through worse...you are a boy, aren't you? SHINJI: I still feel nauseous. CELCIA: So what is it? What are you going to say? MISATO: First, after taking initial readings from the entry theatre, Dr. Akagi had these fitted for you. Dr. Silverwolf, yours was particularly hard to produce because of your...size variation. NEWJERSEY: You can say it, I'm a werewolf. What's so bad about that? MISATO: Well, anyway, here they are. Misato hands out some rather familliar looking garments... SHINJI: Plug suits? LINA: What are we supposed to do with these? MISATO: You're supposed to wear them in the entry theatre! NEWJERSEY: But what about all my fine leather jackets? MISATO: Oh just wear it over the suit. NEWJERSEY: Good, because I spent all day waterproofing that and my whip. I'm glad the autograph wasn't harmed by the LCL. RYOKO: I can't believe you're hanging onto something signed by her royal bitchiness. NEWJERSEY: Well she DID teach me some expert whip tricks. RYOKO: Now THAT I believe. MISATO: Enough, all of you, get into your plug suits! Shinji, you too! Meet me in the briefing room! CELCIA: What was the other thing you had to say? MISATO: Oh, we're getting a new special guest to replace Harry. LINA: Lucky...he got to go back home. MISATO: Lina, do you have any idea how many of those little tubes of superglue it takes to weld space and time?! We're trying to fix the causality hole as fast as we can before we get a fifth impact! Lina, Celcia, and Ryoko head for the women's locker room, and Shinji and Newjersey head for the men's, thus, differentiating the MST from the Tank Cop portion of the fic. SHINJI: Why don't you just tell her that you crashed the Ayekaprise into Antarctica? NEWJERSEY: Hey, it's not my fault...I told the captain about my starship piloting abilities. Fly, yes. Land, no. I was trying to keep from making planetfall. SHINJI: So what happened? NEWJERSEY: Our navigator puts Ryoga to shame. I made the foolish mistake of following her directions. Later, in the NERV briefing room, Gendo, Ritsuko, Misato, Lina, Shinji, Celcia, and Ryoko are assembled around the table. The MST'ers are wearing their plug suits. LINA: You know, I would have to say that this looks rather good on me. CELCIA: It would, it defines more figure than you actually have... LINA: FIREBALL! <Blasts Celcia, who sits there smoldering.> Gendo merely glares at the lot of them. MISATO: I would advise against using the Dragon Slave in the Theater again. You do know what happens when you do that. SHINJI: For once, it didn't smell like blood. More like...burning hair. RYOKO: Or fur. Speaking of which, where's Newjersey? NEWJERSEY: <from outside> I am seriously not in the mood to be doing this... RITSUKO: Be reasonable, Dr. Silverwolf, we are trying to tone down the culture shock. Our special guest is from the other side of the causality hole... NEWJERSEY: Big whoop, so am I! GENDO: You are going to do this. If you don't want to... SHINJI: ...leave? GENDO: No. TOUGH! You are going to do this, PERIOD! NEWJERSEY: You're lucky, Shinji, at least he gave you the option. OKAY, I'm moving! Newjersey, in his wolf form (which means he's still wearing his hat, his jacket, his guns, and his whip) pads into the room, carrying a rather diminuitive but imposing figure. The figure is a Western elf, readily recognizable as Cutter from the comic book (sorry, GRAPHIC NOVEL) series, ElfQuest. He isn't in his usual leathers and furs, however, as he, too, had to don a plug suit. However, he still has the breechcloth about his waist and the famous sword New Moon in his grip. LINA: What the... MISATO: Meet your new guest member. This is Cutter, chief of an elfin tribe known as the wolfriders. NEWJERSEY: Need you even GUESS as to why they're called that? CUTTER: You know, for a wolf-friend, you have the disposition of a troll. NEWJERSEY: Maybe if we got to know each other better, we could be friends, but jumping on my back in the locker room is NOT the way to make a good first impression. CELCIA: He's an elf? No way, look at his ears! And he's only got four fingers on each hand! CUTTER: And you've got five fingers! So who's less of an elf? CELCIA: <Charging a spell> Why I oughta... CUTTER: <Leaping off of Newjersey in a six foot arc, landing gracefully on the tabletop, New Moon at the ready> Bring it on. Newjersey, relieved of his rider, shifts back to human. He, too, is wearing a plug suit. LINA: Hey, you two! We can't be fighting each other! Come on, both of you have pointed ears, doesn't that make you both elves? RITSUKO: Before you kill each other, allow me to explain. Elves in Eastern and Western art forms are depicted differently. The Western elves are usually shown as close to their original mythological depictions as possible, hence the ears tend to point more upwards. In the case of the Eastern elves, the artists tend to emphasize those features that best exemplify the elven archetype. CUTTER: But she still has too many fingers! SHINJI: I just realized something...don't ElfQuest elves have their own language? CUTTER: I do speak the human tongue too, round-ear. SHINJI: My name is Shinji. CELCIA: Newjersey, GET THAT PROTRACTOR AWAY FROM MY HEAD! NEWJERSEY: Well I'll be damned. Dr. Akagi was right. GENDO: Enough. RYOKO: He actually speaks? SHINJI: Contrary to personal experience, he does do more than just glare. GENDO: ... SHINJI: Never mind. GENDO: Do you know what your job is? SHINJI: To defeat the Angels? NEWJERSEY: To discover important historical and prehistorical facts? CELCIA: To send three humans back to their own world? LINA: To uncover the weapons that will defeat Darkstar and save the world? CUTTER: To find a home for my tribe where they can be safe? RYOKO: To finally get Tenchi for my own? GENDO: NO! Your job is to endure these fics so we can better arm ourselves against the Angels. MISATO: Which brings me to my third point I said I would make at the briefing. Misato withdraws a remote control from her pocket and aims it at the screen. The screen displays a video log of the last MST. (Since this is NOT video, use your imagination.) >--and there he was, sleeping like a big fat baby. CELCIA: And he needed a diaper change very badly... NEWJERSEY: CELCIA, ARE YOU NUTS?! You want to give the writer ideas for an infantilist Lemon? The log segment freezes on the last frame. MISATO: Well, it would seem we have our evidence in the next fic. Although Leaf-Chan didn't produce evidence that the MST of his...her...well..its fanfic produced direct repercussions. However, there may have been indirect repercussions. NEWJERSEY: DID I TELL YOU NOT TO GIVE THE FANFIC AUTHOR IDEAS? RYOKO: So who's the source of this new bane to our existences? GENDO: Tank cop. RYOKO, NEWJERSEY: WHAT?! SHINJI: Who's Tank Cop? RYOKO: Only the most heinous lemon author of all time. At least when I killed mercilessly, I made it quick, painless, and I didn't kill all the time. LINA: You've got to be kidding me, Ryoko, the most feared space pirate, admits to NOT killing? RYOKO: I'm a pirate, not a mass murderer. There are Union rules. CELCIA: I still can't believe it...the pirates have unionized. RYOKO: If the GP sends people like Mihoshi out after us, it's an insult to our craft! NEWJERSEY: The point is, Tank Cop mercilessly butchers the English Language, the characters, and the constitution of his readers. RITSUKO: His fics also make a good baseline for establishing the resistance of MST groups. We need good data. And you need to build your resistance to some of the worst fics ever written. SHINJI: If we don't crack under the strain first. GENDO: Go to first stage alert. All of you, into the theatre. The 6 MST'ers enter the theatre. The MST'ers sit in the following order...Ryoko, Newjersey, Celcia, Shinji, Lina, Cutter. Watching in the EVA control block in Central Dogma is Ritsuko, Captain Misato Katsuragi, and technician Maya Ibuki. RITSUKO: Filling the Entry Theatre. CUTTER: What the... CELCIA: Here we go again... SHINJI: Don't worry, Cutter, after the initial nausea passes, you'll be fine. RITSUKO: Power supply connected. Commencing activation system. Initiating first stage connections. Voltage climbing to border-line. Initiating second stage connections. Theatre has activated. MISATO: LAUNCH! >This is one of my most oddest fics I have yet made, NEWJERSEY: He's only just begun to butcher the English language, and I'm feeling pain. SHINJI: Ritsuko, could you set us on Japanese with Subtitles so we don't have to understand this? NEWJERSEY: Not like it'll matter anyway. Most of us speak Japanese, I'm great with linguistics, and with sync ratios being what they are, Cutter's probably getting this through sending. CUTTER: I can't...shut out...the pain... >but I feel like doing >it. CUTTER: And I feel like throwing up. SHINJI: I told you, after the first time, it wears off in a minute. CUTTER: This ISN'T from LCL. >So you the fans be my judge. Silence. LINA: He has fans? CELCIA: Must be, he's producing these for somebody... RYOKO: I think he's just doing it because he knows the MST authors will have to read them before they riff them. CUTTER: High Ones, that is a clever trap of human logic. Readers will enjoy the MST's more, so that creates the demand...which means... CELCIA: Which means we are forced to suffer. >Time Note: This takes place after Ryo-Ohki is blamed for breaking Yosho's NEWJERSEY: ...kneecaps, because Yosho failed to come up with the money. SHINJI: <as Ryo-Ohki> This is what happens when you don't pay off "Ryo-Ohki the Shark..." LINA: <as Yosho> I'll have the money by tomorrow, man, I swear! >statue, in the "Tenchi in Tokyo, Moon Mission" episode. RYOKO: I'd like to ask the Ph.D. in the room for permission to use an ancient joke? NEWJERSEY: Permission granted, please cite your sources. RYOKO: From Tom Hanks, in Apollo 13: "Houston, we have a problem." >by Tank Cop NEWJERSEY: If I get my claws on that son of a... RYOKO: Get in line, furball! NEWJERSEY: You have claws? SHINJI: May Ksawarrior and the Aniport #9 crew find him and have their sadistic way with him! That is, if I don't get Eva-01 on him first... CUTTER: May he Recognize a troll! On second thought...even I wouldn't be that cruel to even the most sadistic troll... LINA: May he endure Naga's laugh for eternity! >My Little Baby Cabbit CELCIA: A toy line that was popular among little girls in the mid 80's. RYOKO: Hey...Ryo-Ohki is MY little baby cabbit! And she's not little all the time! NEWJERSEY: I thought Ryo-Ohki belonged to Sasami in Shin Tenchi. RYOKO: I know, I'm OAV Ryoko. Ryo-Ohki is my starship. I have nothing to do with "Sailor Tenchi." >--------------------------------------------------------------------------- CUTTER: How convenient, I can just use New Moon on these little lines, then bury the fic in the desert. SHINJI: Why not just burn it? CUTTER: <Shudder> I have had bad experiences with fire. >Ryo-Ohki runs from the Makia house LINA: The typo Mob? >in tears and cries as she runs into the >deep forest. She jumps from log to log, from bush to bush, from tree to >tree. Running farther and farther away from home. CELCIA: No! Ryo-ohki! Go home! That way lies Tank Cop! Can't you see the sign of the sentence fragment? CUTTER: Ryo-ohki's a tree-walker. Who'd have thought that she could be like an elf? CELCIA: Cutter, not everyone knows about ElfQuest. CUTTER: Just trying to give WaRP some free advertising so we don't get sued... NEWJERSEY: Cutter, just scroll up, we're citing our sources. LINA: What is it with you and source citations?! NEWJERSEY: I'm a college professor, I have to enforce academic honesty! > >The poor Cabbit could hardly bare the fact that she was hated by everyone. SHINJI: She could hardly bare...bare as in reveal? That would mean that she could hardly show that she was hated by... RYOKO: It's not good to think too hard on things Tank Cop. CELCIA: All of a sudden she's hated by everyone, including Sasami? On whose head she spends most of her time? CUTTER: Poor grammar...everyone out of character...is this the worst Tank Cop can do? NEWJERSEY: It gets worse, my elfin friend. Much, much worse. >She soon finds a small cave where she takes refuge in. She then lies >herself down, shacking and cold as she cries herself to sleep. NEWJERSEY: Love shack! Baby, Love sha... Ryoko blasts Newjersey and bounces him off the AT field protecting the screen. >---------------------------------------------------------------------------- LINA: Isn't this the same kind of page break Ksawarrior uses? Lina digs up a printout with the title heading "AnimePort #9/Ksa and the MSTers Crossover Special #1: Tank Cop." RYOKO: Where did you get that? LINA: Downloaded it off the Magi supercomputers. SHINJI: How did you get access to the Magi? LINA: Casper will do anything for Traci Lords MP3's. NEWJERSEY: Don't worry, Ksawarrior, we believe you never had anything to do with Tank Cop's work! >At the house the entire family, now aware of the mistake they made, goes >looking for Ryo-Ohki. > >"Ryo-Ohki where are you?" Sasami yells. RYOKO: First one to make a Scooby-Doo joke dies. Lina, Newjersey, and Shinji close their mouths. >"Ryo-Ohki, where sorry, CELCIA: <as Ryo-ohki> Look it up in the dictionary, that's *where* you'll find "sorry!" Cutter digs out a dictionary and starts looking up the word. Celcia promptly incinerates it with a spell. SHINJI: Keep it up, guys. Cloud the LCL and we'll either choke on our own debris or at least obscure our viewing of the fic. LINA: Eh, either way, it's better than the alternative. >please >come back." Aeka says. "Come on out Ryo-Ohki, its to late and cold to be >playing games like this." Ryoko says. > >The family looks for the lost Cabbit with no luck of finding her. Aeka >holds her little sister tight in her arms as Sasami cries for her lost pet >and friend. RYOKO: What about my starship? And not to nitpick or anything, but did anyone consider asking my mom? Washu can find anything on that computer of hers! CUTTER: Can she find a home for a tribe of elves where they won't be attacked by humans, trolls, or malevolent evil elves? RYOKO: This is Washu we're talking about, Cutter. If it doesn't exist, she'll write it into reality. >"Oh Ryo-Ohki where are you? Boo Hoo." Sasami said with tears >in her eyes. "Come on Sasami, its late and getting very cold. We will look >for Ryo-Ohki tomorrow, I promise." Aeka tells her sobbing sister. > >They all go back into the house and get some rest. So they can get up early >to look for Ryo-Ohki. RYOKO: More sentence fragments than...I can't think of anything with more sentence fragments. >------------------------------------------------------------------------------- >Ryo-Ohki wakes to up to find herself in a completely different place then >she was yesterday. NEWJERSEY: Here it comes... >She yawned only to have something fall out of her >mouth. It was a pacifier! SHe then felt something on her head, she then >took it off to see that it was a bonnet! She then looked around and saw >bars all around her. She thought for a moment that she was in a cage. LINA: <as Ryo-ohki> I was framed, I tell ya, framed! >She >then looked up to see there was no top to this cage. Then looking around >again and released she was not in a cage, but a crib! She took a closer >look at her surroundings. She was in what appeared to be a little girl's >room, there where stuffed animals, dolls, and little girl clothes all over >the floor. CELCIA: <as Ryo-ohki> Oh dear god, I'm in Tank Cop's room! >Ryo-Ohki then stands up and decides to try and escape, but as >she moves she hears a crunching sound CUTTER: <as Ryo-ohki> Damn arthritis... NEWJERSEY: You're getting the hang of this. >and feels something in-between her >waist. LINA: Ryo-ohki apparently has more than one waist to have something in between them. Does that mean she's siamese twins? >She looks down to see she is wearing a diaper! Ryo-Ohki blushes all >over! RYOKO: Wearing a *what?* NEWJERSEY: Now do you see why you never give fanfic authors ideas?! CELCIA: ALL RIGHT! I SEE WHY! CUTTER: How can you see her blush through all the fur? >She then moved to the side of the crib and tries to get out, but its >to high. LINA: Apparently the author doesn't know that Ryo-ohki can phase shift. RYOKO: Doesn't know, doesn't care, doesn't think. >Ryo-Ohki tries to jump over, but the diaper she was wearing made >jumming very hard, and made her move slow, and unsteadly. SHINJI: Yes, but what about *jumping?* And does she move *unsteadily?* NEWJERSEY: <as TV announcer> New Huggies Ultratrim! Now full of *lead!* >So Ryo-Ohki only >managed to get to her paws to touch the top of the crib before falling down >on her diapered butt! Ryo-Ohki was so unhappy with how things where that >she started to cry. ALL: SO ARE WE!!! RYOKO: And now we have Ryo-Ohki seriously OOC. If she can't go up, she can always go through the bars and the wall, convert to starship form, and fly home! CUTTER: How does she do that? RYOKO: Part of her biochemistry, like mine, is made from masses. She can phase shift and pass right through solid matter. > >Just then a little girl in a blue dress comes into the room. LINA: A young Ryoko! Ryoko blasts Lina from her seat. CUTTER: is THIS Tank Cop? CELCIA: I wouldn't be surprised. >"What's the >matter? Baby hungry?" The little girl picks up Ryo-Ohki and holds her in >her arms, like a mother would hold her baby. SHINJI: Yes, given the motif of her room, that would seem to follow. "My name is Nilly. I live in >America, but my parents have to come to Japan once a month for business, and >i have to go with them. LINA: <as Nilly> And I'm an alcoholic. ALL: Hi Nilly! >Your a funny looking bunny. My mommy and daddy >told me I could keep you. So now your my baby and I am your mommy!" Nilly >said with a smile. RYOKO: <as Nilly> My mommy and daddy are in the habit of letting me keep strange pets. NEWJERSEY: <as Nilly> The last pet they let me have hatched from an egg and grabbed daddy's face! Then it jumped out his chest. Mommy was pretty mad, though, I wonder why? >Nilly seemed a sweet girl, age 5 or 6 from what Ryo-Ohki >could guess. All though Ryo-Ohki was not ok with the being her baby thing. CUTTER: Would she be okay with the "slaying Tank Cop" thing? (Holding New Moon) LINA: How about just the "getting out of this fic" thing? NEWJERSEY: You know, zoological parks do the same thing with newborn primates, treating them like human babies. RYOKO: Newsflash, furball, Ryo-Ohki is a CABBIT! >"Here mommy will feed you now. Baby must be hungry." Nilly takes a baby >bottle full of milk and sticks it into Ryo-Ohki's mouth! CELCIA: Wow! The sticking of the bottle in Ryo-Ohki's mouth must be so exciting to warrant an exclamation point! >Ryo-Ohki once >again was blushing. She found being bottle fee d to be very embarrassing, >but she was thirsty and the milk did taste good. NEWJERSEY: Of course all the blushing drove all the blood from Ryo-ohki's vital organs to her extremities, and then she died when all her tissues became oxygen-deprived. The end. RYOKO: Ryo-Ohki is an herbivore with a preference for carrots. Milk's going to make her throw up! SHINJI: How do you know that? RYOKO: Washu designed her, you know. She came with a complete set of instructions and a thirty-century limited warranty. >After Ryo-Ohki drank all the milk, Nilly takes Ryo-Ohki over her sholder and >pats her back until she burps! "Burp!" LINA: And Tank Cop nauseated the readers until they barfed! "Barf!" CELCIA: "Barf!" SHINJI: "Barf!" RYOKO: "Barf!" NEWJERSEY: "Barf!" CUTTER: <Pukes> LINA: CUTTER! YICK! >Ryo-Ohki goes with a red face. RYOKO: The green face was just not her...and she wants something more than her usual brown face. >After Nilly started to play with Ryo-Ohki, bouncing her on her knee. They >where both having a good time. CUTTER: That's debatable. CELCIA: <as Ryo-Ohki> Ow! This...Ow! Is...OW! So...OW! Not...OW! Fun! OW! >It was so much fun that Ryo-Ohki even lost >control of her bowles, and wet her diaper! LINA: <as Ryo-Ohki as Stimpy> It's so much fun I can hardly contain myself! SHINJI: So she lost control of her *bowls?* There's no way Ryo-Ohki can get onto "Iron Chef" with that kind of command of her kitchenware... RYOKO: <as Iron Chef commentator> Looks like the challenger just can't hold onto her bowls! They're flying everywhere! NEWJERSEY: <as Iron Chef commentator> And challenger Ryo-Ohki calls a time out for a diaper change... >Ryo-Ohki was so ashmed and >embarrassed of what she did that she started to cry. Nilly carried Ryo-Ohki >over to a changing table. Shhh its ok baby, theres no need to cry, mommy >will change your diaper." SHINJI: Okay, why the hell does this girl have a complete layette in her room, a crib and changing table, designed for human babies? Why does she have them for a PET?! A pet cabbit, at that? CELCIA: And another thing...where did the narrator stop talking, and where did Nilly start? LINA: Cutter may have guessed right. This girl IS Tank Cop. > Nilly lies Ryo-Ohki on the table and removes her >wet diaper and puts it in the trash. She then takes some talcom NEWJERSEY: Talcom: Cellular communication for the 21st century ecchi. >powder and >powders Ryo-Ohki's crouch and butt. She then rubs some baby oil over her >crouch and butt. CELCIA: Not only is the author making hideous typos, he's completely forgotten the use of pronouns. LINA: Probably because he could only get amateurs to take part in his fic. Yuk yuk. RYOKO: That was BAD, Lina. LINA: Well, the department of redundancy department is getting its work, at least. SHINJI: I thought NERV downsized them. >Ryo-Ohki purred as Nilly rubbed her fingers over her oiled >pussy and bottom. CELCIA: <Staring and turning an interesting shade of green> Uh..."her" could mean Nilly or Ryo-Ohki... NEWJERSEY: Ambiguous sentence...both possible images equally nauseating...must...not...<vomits> >She creased and rubbed over Ryo-Ohki's most sensititve >spot for a few minutes. Nilly then goes to get a fresh diaper, lifts up >Ryo-Ohki's legs and slides the diaper under her butt. She then floods it CUTTER: <staring> Am I reading this wrong, or is the author implying that Nilly is wearing a diaper, not only wearing it, but wetting it?! LINA: I think that's a typo. RYOKO: Newjersey, archaeologists are supposed to be good at ancient languages, can you translate? Is Nilly or Ryo-Ohki diapered here? NEWJERSEY: Given the fact that this is Tank Cop...I'd say both. RYOKO: I think you're right. SHINJI: And the mystery of the changing table and crib is solved. >over her waist and crouch, and tapes the sides up nice and tight. CELCIA: ...Cutting off the circulation below the waist, thus giving her gangrene and killing her, putting her out of her misery. >She then >picks up Ryo-Ohki and puts her in her arms and sings and rocks Ryo-Ohki back >and forth, until Ryo-Ohki falls asleep in her arms. Newjersey is curled up on his seat in wolf form, snoozing. RYOKO: Oh no you don't, furball! (Hits Newjersey to wake him up) NEWJERSEY: Ryoko, that was a riff! Do you think I could sleep with THAT <indicates the fic> nearby? RYOKO: You're suffering through this with the rest of us. NEWJERSEY: <Growls> You avoid chores, but NOW you get the team spirit. Great. > >That night as Nilly was sleeping in her bed Ryo-Ohki took the chance to >escape. ALL: ABOUT TIME! >She tried to jump over again, but failed. Then she looked around >the crib to find something to help her get out. CELCIA: <as Ryo-Ohki> What would MacGyver do? LINA: <as Ryo-Ohki as MacGyver> I guess given my alternative, I had to get out of there. What I had didn't offer too many possibilities. But, using the absorbent from the diaper and some urine, I could make a nitrated compound, sorta like a fertilizer bomb. NEWJERSEY: Gross as that sounds, they used a similar trick in the James Bond film "The World Is Not Enough." >She found some reading >blocks and started to stack them, until they where high enough. CUTTER: Blocks that can read? RYOKO: Oh no...Tank Cop got Azaka and Kamidake. >Ryo-Ohki >then got on top of them and stretched her little arms over tothe top of the >crib and managed to pull herself out. She then moves out of the house as >quicl as she could with diapers on. CELCIA: <to "Mission: Impossible" theme> Dun dun...dun dun dun dun...dun dun dun dun...dun dun dun dun...dun dun doodlie doo....doodlie doo...doodlie doo...dun dun... NEWJERSEY: Quick hint there, Ryo-Ohki...if you take the diaper off you might get some more speed. I don't think it's permanently attatched. >As Ryo-Ohki walks out of the house she >can hear the sound of Nilly crying. Ryo-Ohki walks back into the house and >to the door way of Nilly's room and sees her crying her sad eyes out. >Ryo-Ohki then made a hard dection. SHINJI: Okay, time out, what the hell is a "dection?" >She walks over to Nilly and goes "Meow" >behind her. Nilly then looks back to see her little baby. "OH your back, LINA: <as Nilly> And your front, and your sides, and your head... >your really back!" Nilly yells as she picks up Ryo-Ohki and hugs her >tight. Newjersey makes a crunching noise. CUTTER: <as Ryo-ohki> Can't...breathe...Nilly...I...need...air... >"Well I will just stay here for a while, its alot better then being >cold and hungry in the woods." Ryo-Ohki thought. RYOKO: <as Ryo-Ohki> After all, Tank Cop is writing this, so I lack all of my good sense and survival instincts... > >The next day Ryo-Ohki went though more bottle feeding, and baby food eating >as well. She also endured the diaper changing too. CELCIA: Yes, that would seem to follow, given Nilly's delusions of motherhood. RYOKO: To think I wanted to be a mother to Tenchi's child. Now after this I'm not so sure. CUTTER: Take it from me, I'm a father of two cubs, and parenthood is NOTHING like this. RYOKO: Not as easy? Not as hard? CUTTER: Not as perverted. >Everything was going >great until later on that day at dinner time. LINA: Then Ryo-Ohki reached the end of her rope and killed the entire family by smothering them with the diapers she had been forced to wear. > >At dinner Nilly's family was having carrots as a side dish. Ryo-Ohki could >smell them and of course escaped her crib to try and get some. SHINJI: Try and "get some?" NEWJERSEY: <blinks> Is he going for infantilism or bestiality? CELCIA: Or both? NEWJERSEY: Maybe there are some questions best left unanswered. SHINJI: <as Ryo-ohki> Hey mister...wanna...get nekkid? LINA: FIREBALL! <Blasts Shinji> SHINJI: Ow... >Ryo-Ohki was >able to get under the table and could smell the sweet carrots that where >above her. RYOKO: I will personally gut anyone who makes an "At the Carrot Patch" reference. NEWJERSEY: That fic's so old I've carbon-dated it. Twice. >She then took the table cloth and started to pull on it hopping >to pull down a carrot or two. Instead Ryo-Ohkipulled down the entire dinner >came crashing down on the floor. *CRASH* NEWJERSEY: Correct me if I'm wrong, but shouldn't the weight of the average dinner put enough friction on the tablecloth to offset the weight of a cabbit? CELCIA: Since when did Tank Cop think the laws of physics were important? RYOKO: <as Guard from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"> A five ounce cabbit cannot carry a one pound coconut! > Then Nilly's Family looked down >to see Ryo-Ohki staring back at them. Nilly then takes Ryo-Ohki back into >her room. "Now look what you did you bad baby. My mommy and daddy are mad >at me now. I will have to punish you!" LINA: Only a slight gross assumption there...I don't think I saw her parents react. SHINJI: Maybe they're like my parents. LINA: Shinji, I'd believe your dad, but your mom's dead! SHINJI: Not really, she's the intelligence in my Eva. But she doesn't really react until the sync ratio gets really high. >Nilly then sits on her little >rocking chair and puts Ryo-Ohki over her lap. She then takes the back of >Ryo-Ohki's dipaer down exposing her bare bottom to the world. CELCIA: So Tank Cop defines "the world" as Nilly's room? CUTTER: If Tank Cop is Nilly, then maybe burning down the room around her ears might awaken him to the fact that there is a whole world out there... LINA: Or maybe just incinerate him and free the world from the terror of future fics. >Nilly then >raise her hand and spanks Ryo-Ohki hard! *SPANK* Ryo-Ohki jumps in pain, >but is held down by Nilly. RYOKO: Only a slight non-sequitur there... >"You bad, bad baby!" CUTTER: This girl knows nothing about parenthood...<drawing New Moon> I must STOP THIS NOW! SHINJI: CUTTER! WAIT! YOU FORGOT ABOUT THE... CUTTER: AYOOOOOAH! Cutter leaps from his seat at the screen, sword positioned for a lethal strike at Nilly, but he is stopped in midair. The phase distortions of an AT field are seen for a moment before he's thrown back into his seat. Hard. SHINJI: ...AT field. >Nilly yells as five more >hard swats hit Ryo-Ohki's defensless butt. Poor Ryo-Ohki just cries out in >pain as Nilly keeps spanking her now very red and sore bottom. RYOKO: Again with the red skin! Did Nilly shave Ryo-Ohki bald or something?! NEWJERSEY: That's another one on my list of reasons to kill Tank Cop. >After a >while Ryo-Ohki start to get a weried feeling in her pussy, as it starts to >get wet. SHINJI: I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away... Newjersey, Cutter, Lina, Celcia, and Ryoko vomit into the LCL. Shinji does too, after a couple more iterations of his mantra. >Nilly then moved from hand spanking to using a wooden hairbrush! LINA: Then she moved on to a spiked club, a tazer, a wet noodle, a chainsaw, a power sand... She stops abruptly when she finds New Moon at her throat. CUTTER: Continue, human, I dare you. CELCIA: Could you leave the power tools out of this, please? >With made the spankings stink like crazy NEWJERSEY: Stink like... CUTTER: Oh dung... SHINJI: Exactly. RYOKO: Does she even realize just how long it's going to take me to housetrain Ryo-Ohki again? SHINJI: About two minutes with Washu's holotop? >and made Ryo-Ohki cry even more >loud. But as the heat in her ass was building, so the heat in her pussy. NEWJERSEY: The heat caused Nilly to spontaneously combust, thus ending the fic. >Ryo-Ohki then rubbed her hips against the softness of the diaper, rubbing >her pussy and clint over the diaper, bringing her closer to a climax. All MST'ers vomit into the LCL. >Nilly >gives Ryo_ohki tem more good hard swats with the brush, Ryo-Ohki cums full >force at the last swat. As Both the pleasure of cumming and the pain of the >spanking hits her at once. Ryo-Ohki then lies tired on Nilly's lap, as >Nilly rubs her hands over Ryo-Ohki's fiery bottom, saying how sorry she is. RYOKO: <clutching her stomach> Sorry isn't gonna cut it when I get my hands on her... > >Later on that day after Ryo-Ohki was again given a fresh diaper, Nilly's >parents talked to her and told her that Ryo-Ohki was to dangerous to keep, >that she could break more of there things, and that she should be set free >to the woods where she found her. CUTTER: Oh, so NOW the parents demonstrate good sense? LINA: Either good sense or they're more protective of their possessions than of their child. >Ryo-Ohki could hear poor Nilly cry as she >walked in and told Ryo-Ohki. "My mommy and daddy, say your no good, and I >have to set you free. ALL: FINALLY! >They promised to buy me a new bunny, but I don't want >a new one, I want to keep you." CELCIA: <as Ryo-Ohki> Well tough luck, kid, I am OUTTA here! NEWJERSEY: Their parents promised her another rabbit...maybe if we're lucky, she'll get Bun-Bun. SHINJI: <as Bun-Bun> You are so freakin' dead, diaper girl!!! >Nilly picks up Ryo-Ohki and carry's her out >side, where Nilly's parent's where waiting. Nilly then gives Ryo-Ohki one >last hug and kiss then puts her on the ground and lets Ryo-Ohki run into the >forest. As Ryo-Ohki leaves the area of Nilly's home, she can hear Nilly's >cries growing less and less. Ryo-Ohki started to cry too. LINA: Apparently the realization of what just happened hit her all at once. CUTTER: Delayed reaction. Poor thing. RYOKO: She'll need therapy from this fic, I just know it. >She will miss >Nilly, but knows she needs to get back to her own home. > >It was late when Ryo-Ohki found her way back to the Maskia house. RYOKO: Not Maskia! It's MASAKI! MASAKI!!! Get it right, Tank Cop!!! >AS she >approached the house she heard cries coming from inside, it was Sasami. CELCIA: <as Sasami> I don't wanna be in a Tank Cop lemon anymore! >Ryo-Ohki ran in and finds Aeka comforting her sad sister. "Is ok Sasami, we >will find Ryo-Ohki no matter what it takes." Aeka said as she crossed her >sister's hair and rubbed her head. SHINJI: WHOA! Wait! Rubbing another person's head is a cultural faux pas in Japan! RYOKO: But they're Juraian. SHINJI: Oh just coming up with more reasons to stomp Tank Cop into the cement with Eva-01. RYOKO: Like we need any more? >Ryo-Ohki then walks in front of them and >goes "Meow". Both of them stare at the happy little cabbit. Sasami rushes >to pick her up. "Oh Ryo-Ohki your back. LINA: <As Sasami> It's bald! Tank Cop shaved it so he could see you blush, didn't he? >Oh I missed you so much. Where >all sorry we where so mean to you!" NEWJERSEY: Okay...after all my experience translating ancient languages I still must ask...what the HELL did Sasami just say?! >Sasami hugged Ryo-Ohki until she felt >something? RYOKO: Well, did she? NEWJERSEY: Tank Cop's infamous misplaced question mark, ladies and gentlemen. >She looked at Ryo-Ohki again, and saw something very >surprising. "Ryo-Ohki, why do you have a diaper on?" Sasami asks. LINA: Take it off, send it to Washu's lab and have her dust it for prints. That should give some evidence to convict Nilly's whole family. >Ryo-Ohki just blushed all over! CUTTER: Hey...anime females blush whenever they're aroused, right? CELCIA: I suppose so...you're not suggesting... NEWJERSEY: Not a chance. "Subtlety" is not in Tank Cop's vocabulary. RYOKO: Niether is "grammar." LINA: Or "Spelling." SHINJI: "Hentai" must take up a pretty big slot in his mind, though. > >The End ALL: YES!!! CUTTER: Wait...incoming dashes... >-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CUTTER: There they go. >It is a happy ending with a sad twist. RYOKO: No, it is a twisted and sad ending to a twisted and sad fic. >It is hard to tell how to feel? You >decide. Was this funny, sad, ect? ALL EXCEPT NEWJERSEY: Nauseous. Newjersey shifts to werewolf form, snarling. NEWJERSEY: YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW I FEEL?! > >I hope you enjoyed this lemon. ALL: We didn't. >Strange as it is. Well I did complete this >in just 2 hours. SHINJI: You wasted two hours of your life on THIS? I can get through an Eva battle in less than a few minutes, and I get more done in that time than you can in two hours! LINA: You'd think with that time Tank Cop would use a spell checker. >I still don't know why I made this, ALL: BECAUSE YOU'RE A FILTHY HENTAI! >I just thought it was >a cute lemon to make. You be my judge. CELCIA: I pronounce you guilty, and sentence you to death by being drawn and quartered! SHINJI: Too lenient. Death by one hundred thousand paper cuts. LINA: Death by being run down a hundred feet of rusty razor blades into a vat of lemon juice and salt. RYOKO: How about I disembowel the bastard alive? NEWJERSEY: Death by Macarena! All MST'ers stare at Newjersey. NEWJERSEY: What? You'd have to admit it would be a very slow and painful way to die. CUTTER: TANK COP! YOU ARE MEAT TO BE WASTED! YOUR BLOOD WILL FALL ON BARE ROCK AND NOURISH NOTHING! > >Write to me what you thing. > >Tank Cop ^_~ > NEWJERSEY: Oh I'll do more than write to him... The fic ends, and the Entry Theater drains. After all the MST'ers exhale the LCL from their lungs, Newjersey shifts wolf and shakes all the fluid out of his fur. Cutter climbs on his back. NEWJERSEY: Must you do that? CUTTER: What do you expect? I AM a Wolfrider. They make their way out of the theater to Central Dogma, stopping in front of Ritsuko and Misato. RITSUKO: Well, I hope you're all pleased to know that we gathered much more new data, and we will hopefully be able to improve our defenses against the Angels. NEWJERSEY: Great. Can we go home now? RITSUKO: Well, there's some bad news. It would seem that we still don't have enough krazy glue to fix the causality hole quite yet. SHINJI: Well at least come up with another batch of people for the Entry Theatre... MISATO: Sorry, no can do. CUTTER: And WHY NOT? MISATO: Well...er...we already spent the money for the plug suits... LINA: Why can't you let us go home?! GENDO: <From his high desk overlooking Central Dogma> That...is a secret. FIN AUTHOR'S NOTES AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS Neon Genesis Evangelion is property of Gainax and ADV. Tenchi Muyo is property of AIC and Pioneer. Those Who Hunt Elves is property of ADV. ElfQuest is the property of Wendy and Richard Pini of WaRP graphics. Bun-Bun belongs to Pete Abrams. James Bond and "The World is Not Enough" belong to MGM/UA. And Slayers is property of SoftX (fansubs are nice). And yes, I would like to do some free advertising...if you want to find out what's up with Cutter, order the ElfQuest books. (www.elfquest.com) I make no money from this plug.