Author's note/Disclaimer: All names, concepts, and indicia thereof are property of their respective owners. (e.g., Harry Potter and related indicia are the property of J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers.) The only things I claim for my own are Newjersey Silverwolf and the work I did on the MST. Credit is due to Brook Kuhn for many of the gags and riffs in this MST. When the Event Horizon activated its gravity gateway, it opened a hole into a dimension of pure chaos...pure evil. However due to some whacked law of physics involving black holes, Sam Neill ended up in Jurassic Park, while Lawrence Fishburne wound up explaining what the Matrix is using Ny-Quil and Day-Quil. The resulting causality hole rerouted the Ayekaprise from its intended course (if it ever had such a thing) into a crash dive with the planet Earth. The impact with Antarctica caused the earth to wobble wildly on its axis and radically change the climate. This was the so-called "Fourth impact," which was really starting to tick the people at NERV off...they didn't seem to be doing their jobs too well. Gendo Ikari, none too pleased about this little complication on his conspiracies, had to deal with the Ayekaprise and the causality hole while the crew made repairs in an attempt to get back to their own alternaverse, and while NERV attempted to find enough krazy glue to fix a hole in space-time. In an effort to improve Eva technology, Ritsuko (now resurrected from the LCL reservoir), decided to study the lame plot conveniences that were happening (You noticed, didn't you?). Thus she proposed an experiment to study mental stresses on different people. The mental stress tests would aid in synchronization of new Eva units with pilots. Or maybe she just wanted to be sadistic. Being dead can really hurt, you know... The subjects were found, many forcibly extracted from the causality hole, brought to NERV, and brought to the briefing room. Around the table: Shinji Ikari (Angst-filled Eva pilot) Newjersey Silverwolf (Lycanthropic Archaeologist, Specialist in the Ayekaprise Crew) Celcia (Elder of the Elves) Ryoko (Genetically-engineered space pirate) Lina Inverse (Beautiful genius sorceress...but NEVER mention her chest) Harry Potter (Young wizard in training, famed for overthrowing Lord Voldemort) Gendo Ikari (Shinji's Father, Commander of NERV) Ritsuko Akagi (The doc of NERV) NEWJERSEY: I suppose we're all here for some reason. SHINJI: Knowing my dad...well...actually I don't know him that well, but guessing, he probably wants us to do something we're not going to like. RYOKO: That's a little vague, isn't it? CELCIA: Okay, why ARE we here? LINA: And if anyone says 'that...is a secret,' they get a fireball up the ass. RITSUKO: That is a fair question, Commander Ikari. I know why I brought them here, but why are you here? Did you have something in mind, or did you just come here to glare at them? GENDO: .... RITSUKO: Commander Ikari? GENDO: .... RITSUKO: Never mind. Well you have been brought here to help us in an experiment. RYOKO: Oh no...every time someone mentions "Experiment," mom comes to mind. SHINJI: Is your mom reborn into a ten-story biomechanical war machine? RYOKO: No, I have a pet that is, though... HARRY: I think a friend of mine nearly got away with raising a dragon... RITSUKO: Ahem... The MST'ers look towards Ritsuko. RITSUKO: You have been selected to participate in an experiment involving mental stresses. This will help us to improve our Evangelion technology and better enable us to defend Earth from the Angels. Newjersey raises a hand. RITSUKO: Yes? NEWJERSEY: Does this have anything to do with the human instrumentality project? GENDO: How do you know about that, Mr. Silverwolf? NEWJERSEY: Oh come on, I read the Dead Sea Scrolls too, you know. I did my senior thesis on them. GENDO: Those scrolls know too much. CELCIA: I don't see why we should care, though...considering not all of us are...well...human. RITSUKO: Well, this is an opportunity for us to gather unique data. RYOKO: Oh just get to the point! At least Washu can be blunt! RITSUKO: Okay, fine, NERV wants to know how you all react to crappy Tenchi fanfics. We also want to know why the human instrumentality project ran in reverse after End of Evangelion. GENDO: Dr., do not violate the fourth wall. RITSUKO: They have to know, commander. We already had one Angel that could attack the pilot's mind directly. We have to simulate certain effects in order to establish defenses against a similar attack. HARRY: This is going to hurt, isn't it? SHINJI: Pain, my scarred friend, is only the beginning. GENDO: Go to first stage alert. All of you, into the theatre. The 4 MST'ers enter the theatre. Shinji is dressed in a plug suit. HARRY: Uh, Shinji, what's that for? SHINJI: Um...I wear it every time we go to first stage alert. The MST'ers sit in the following order...Ryoko, Newjersey, Celcia, Shinji, Lina, Harry. Watching in the EVA control block in Central Dogma is Ritsuko, Captain Misato Katsuragi, and technician Maya. RITSUKO: Filling the Entry Theatre. NEWJERSEY: What... CELCIA: The... LINA: Hell?! The theatre fills with LCL, yet the MST'ers aren't floating from their seats. HARRY: HELP! I CAN'T SWIM! SHINJI: You're not supposed to. Eventually they inhale, and start breathing the liquid. RITSUKO: Power supply connected. Commencing activation system. Initiating first stage connections. Voltage climbing to border-line. Initiating second stage connections. Theatre has activated. SHINJI: A theater that runs like an Eva cockpit...I have a bad feeling about this. >Kanashii no Imi (The Significance of Grief) SHINJI: (Hums "Tamashii no Refrain") RYOKO: The significance of grief? This fic. LINA: But it hasn't even started. RYOKO: Trust me, Lina, bad Tenchi fics you can smell coming a mile away. I've been in them, and MST'ed a bunch. >by Leaf-chan (leaf_chan@excite.com) NEWJERSEY: Leaf? From Lodoss War? CELCIA: (Whacks Newjersey with a rolled-up newspaper) Don't you DARE assosciate this fanfic writer with anyone remotely HALF elven! NEWJERSEY: (growls) HARRY: Touchy, aren't we? SHINJI: That's nothing, you should see Asuka. >Standard disclaimers apply: this is a lemon, LINA: So juice it. >and I'm not responsible if you get busted for >reading it. HARRY: Oh no, I'm underage! Should I even be in this theatre?! SHINJI: Being underage didn't stop my dad from throwing me into life- threatening situations. LINA: Oh bitch bitch bitch... >None of the characters herein belong to me, either, NEWJERSEY: Thank Lobos. CELCIA: Lobos? NEWJERSEY: Yeah, Lobos! GOD OF THE HUNT! >so don't come after my ass. RYOKO: I wouldn't touch your ass with a ten mile lightsword. I'd rather go after your still-beating heart, thank you. >This document is best viewed under Wordpad, 640x480. SHINJI: That's odd, how can we see this? LINA: Huh? SHINJI: Well Wordpad is a Microsoft product. It's been suggested that Microsoft is an Angel. LINA: How did NERV make that leap of logic? SHINJI: "The pattern is blue." Figure it out. NEWJERSEY: "Blue screen of death?" RYOKO: Bingo, wolf-boy, you get a scooby snack. >It's also a darkfic, NEWJERSEY: I CAN'T SEE! WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS? HARRY: (Taking out his wand) Lumos... >so be warned for lots of angst and other neat stuff. SHINJI: Been there, done that. > [-----] >It was not a normal day in the Tenchi Masaki household. RYOKO: As if there were such a thing... >First off, Ryoko had *not* tried to latch onto Tenchi when he came >downstairs (late, if I may add) for breakfast. NEWJERSEY: Ryoko not glomp Tenchi? The author's making her out to have the libido of Lina all of a sudden. LINA: You are this close to getting cooked, furball. >Aeka was also strangely absent from the household; in fact, she hadn't *been* >anywhere in the house for at least a day or two. Ryo-ohki was sitting on the >couch, asleep; Mihoshi and Kiyone were in space on an assignment. RYOKO: My god, the author is actually right. This isn't a normal day at home. The day doesn't begin unless Sasami is cooking something and I engage Ayeka in mortal combat. What is this, the twilight zone? HARRY: It's like my presence here. It's called "Out Of Character." NEWJERSEY: You ARE a fast learner...but I thought it was called "Copyright infringement." >Washu was probably the most normal thing going on that day. LINA: Washu is playing at Vegas four nights a week. >She was in her lab as always, fiddling and diddling with this and that. NEWJERSEY: Come on, she should have a body part to diddle wi... RYOKO: (Blasting Newjersey) Think about something other than marking territory! SHINJI: That's kind of a leap for a double entendre. LINA: Maybe we should wait until we actually get to the lemon scenes to make the remark? >Lights flickered, photons burst, people died, and stuff happened CELCIA: Thrill as the vagueness explodes across the fic! SHINJI: I think my dad's altered the material and covered up details... RITSUKO: (over the speaker) Nope, it's all there. SHINJI: Something this vague with this much damage...maybe she's got an Evangelion. Photons burst, people die, stuff happens. Just a day at work. >as she experimented with her latest invention, something that she termed the >"Reality Distortion Transportation Thingamabob". RYOKO: Oh now this is just bull! Washu is the self-proclaimed "Genius scientsit of the Universe!" She wouldn't build a "Thingamabob," she'd know exactly how it worked before she started building it! SHINJI: Think she'd work here? >Hours and hours passed as she worked.... and >all the while, the reader was left in total boredom. ALL: (snoring) RITSUKO: (over speaker) What did you say about violating the fourth wall, Commander? GENDO: I stand corrected. >After she finally finished, she sat back, a small smirk of satisfaction on >her rather-puerile face. LINA: Well, thingamabob, was that good for you too? >"Heh," she cackled. "*This* will prove me to be the Greatest Scientific >Genius in the Universe (TM)! Now, my pretty... I will destr- erm, get to >work!" CELCIA: And I'll fix you, my pretty, and your little cabbit too! LINA: There's no place like home...there's no place like home... >Washu reached over, and flicked the ubiquitous Activation Switch that's >always marked and conspicuous on such devices. HARRY: A simple method of activation? I think the author's confusing Washu with Skuld. RYOKO: thingamabob mark one! Switch...ON! >Nothing happened. NEWJERSEY: But Ken Starr always manages to turn up the dirt on Washu... >"Agh, damn it!" Washu muttered, and delivered a sound Boot to the CPU (TM) SHINJI: Wait a minute...they can't register a commonly used acronym as a trademark! RYOKO: More importantly...how can mom deliver anything solid to the CPU? Her computer is a hologram! >on the side panel of the device. With an almost-human groan of annoyance, SHINJI: unghhh...five more minutes, I don't wanna go to school... >the machine sputtered and puttered to life. A control panel lit up, the >readout blank. CELCIA: Built by Washu, programmed by Mihoshi. >Washu grinned in triumph and began to program in some obscure coordinates >into the panel. NEWJERSEY: Then she pushed the big red button, launching the thermonuclear missiles. They hit true, delivering their deadly payload upon the author of the fic. The end. SHINJI: Isn't it a little odd, being darker than the fic itself? > [-----] HARRY: I just gotta know...what the hell is that? NEWJERSEY: Maybe it's the sacred symbol of an ancient society! RYOKO: I think it's a page break. LINA: Either that or the author runs out of capital "H's" every so often. >Jeff sighed in annoyance as he backed away from his keyboard yet again. SHINJI: I'm going to tame that keyboard if it's the last thing I do. NEWJERSEY: This Lemon has NO scr... RYOKO, CELCIA: (Blast Newjersey where he sits) DON'T GO THERE! NEWJERSEY: (Smoldering) Thanks...I think this fic is getting to me... >His dad, being his usual capricious self, LINA: Multi-syllable words, competent spelling and proper grammar. We definitely know this isn't a Tank Cop fic. >had decided at *that particular moment* to pick up the damn phone, SHINJI: and dial a dirty phone sex line. LINA: FIREBALL! (Blasts shinji) HARRY: How the hell does she get to just call out her spells, while I have to memorize a whole lot of latin? >thus cutting off the connection to his >ISP, and thereby ruining the incredibly intense RP that he had been in only mere seconds ago. ALL BUT NEWJERSEY: (Staring at Newjersey) NEWJERSEY: This fic speaks for itself, guys. I am NOT going there. I'm fine. >In all actuality, it was a few minutes short of midnight, and the chat hall >on IRC was quite dead. CELCIA: Much like the brain of fanfic writer. >Occasional non-sequiter comments came from those who >were still actually in the hall. Jeff himself had been downloading porn from >some obscure site linked from the Anipike, hoping to hell that his dad >wouldn't notice. RYOKO: Of course, the naked Ayeka picture on his desktop might have tipped him off, but...nah. CELCIA: His dad was too busy doing the nasty with himsel...oh KISAMOOTH! This fic is getting to me, too! >Of course, *that* idea's gone, he thought as he stumbled to his feet in >order to sternly reprimand ("Uh, dad... could you please not do that?") LINA: At least put some pants on when we have company over... >his >father on Internet etiquette. Per usual, NEWJERSEY: You know, I'm educated enough to translate any ancient language, spoken or written. And "per usual" makes absolutely NO sense to me. >his dad was the one to reprimand >him before striding stridently back into his room. RYOKO: I'm the man of this house, so my masturbation takes precedence! NEWJERSEY: (Shifts to his "crinos" werewolf form and bitch-slaps Ryoko) RYOKO: I'll give you a thirty-second head start, furball. NEWJERSEY: Just trying to smack some sense into you. >Jeff, sighing, returned to his room in disappointment. SHINJI: Puberty is so far away... >At least he'll be asleep now, he thought. That way, I get lots of time to >masturbate. Mmmm, Pfil... CELCIA: Leave me out of your jerking-off, you HENTAI! NEWJERSEY: Ouch. Rejected by a bondage faerie. That's gotta be the ultimate low. ALL: (Looking at Newjersey) LINA: How the hell do you know who Pfil is?! NEWJERSEY: Hey, I was fourteen once! >Jeff's visions of fairy fetish heaven were cut short as he blinked out of >existence in this universe in inimitable Revenge! style. NEWJERSEY: Translation: the homosexual writer of the Lemon has just been annihilated. ALL: We should be so lucky! Meanwhile, in the Eva control block... RITSUKO: This is strange...it looks like there's an anomaly in the system... MAYA: Hmmm...synchronization seems all right for six people... Suddenly alarms go off, telltales on the consoles go red, and every readout in Central Dogma is screaming bloody murder. MAYA: The pulses are flowing backward! RITSUKO: Something's going wrong in the third stage! Rejection occouring in nerve center elements! Break contact! MAYA: No response! The signal's not being recieved! RITSUKO: Commence analysis! MAYA: The pattern is...blue! MISATO: An Angel? Impossible...we killed them all! RITSUKO: And you're supposed to be dead, not in this MST! MISATO: Oh forget about a detail like that...we've got to mobilize the Evas! GENDO: (Reading a scroll) Hmmm. It would seem that we're not quite through this yet. "The next angel shall be...see next scroll." Odd...I'm out of scrolls. MISATO: Commander, where are you going? GENDO: I'm going to the Dead Sea. > [-----] >"AGH! What the hell is this thing!" HARRY: It's a page break, duh! >Jeff opened his eyes, half-expecting to be dead and in hell ALL: We hope so! >("Okay, Satan, >I'll mop the floor, just quit poking me with that trident"). CELCIA: Should I be happy that this is occouring or throwing up because I know about the sick mind writing this fic? SHINJI: DON'T barf in the LCL! >Instead, he >was in a subspace pocket inside a spare dimension LINA: Inside a conveniently available universe encased in an abundant spacetime wrapped in a plentiful reality... >that happened to pass for >the laboratory of this Universe's Greatest Scientific Genius (TM). RYOKO: And the author thinks mom just uses any place that happens to pass for a lab? Come ON! This lab covers the surface area of five planets! HARRY: Aren't you nitpicking just a little bit? RYOKO: Harry, you don't understand. This guy should have his artistic license revoked. >"Uh... hello... who are you..." he muttered quietly. Damn, there goes my >erection. CELCIA: All two inches of it. >Washu, meanwhile, was still blinking at the lump of flesh and fat that had >materialized in the middle of her lab. NEWJERSEY: Tell me that she horribly and fatally mutilated him in transport... >She hadn't expected to pull something >*this* bizzare; for one, he was *way* too chubby... NEWJERSEY: I'm not fat! I'm big boned! SHINJI: Way too chubby?! The Spear of Longiuss wouldn't get through all that fat! HARRY: Spear of what? SHINJI: Spear of Longiuss. A relic weapon that's longer than an Evangelion is tall. HARRY: (Does the mental math and applies it to this scenario) I did NOT need that mental image. Ugh...Dudley comes to mind. >and his hair, despite >being somewhat-longish, simply didn't look cool at all. RYOKO: And the hair on his head was terrible, too... LINA: ELEMEKIA LANCE! (Blasts Ryoko) HARRY: I thought that spell only worked on astral creatures. LINA: Well, Ryoko's...sorta like that. It'll hit her in a phase shift. >"Who the hell are you?" she spoke in the ubiquitous language of anime >universes, Japanese. NEWJERSEY: All your base are belong to us! You have no chance to survive make your time! Ha ha ha! >Jeff blinked, then suddenly realized a few things all at once: CELCIA: It took him HOW LONG to make this realization? Junpei wasn't even that slow! >1) He was in a really complicated-looking lab when he had been in his room >about three seconds ago; 2) the girl standing in front of him was speaking >Japanese; LINA: GOURRY isn't even this slow. >3) she had *HUGE* eyes; NEWJERSEY: The better to see you with. >and 4) she was staring at his...... SHINJI: ...amorphous blobby body. HARRY: ...Snitch. NEWJERSEY: ...Pocket Pikachu. LINA: ...Ferret. >He quickly tucked it back in and zipped up his pants. "Eh... heh.... sorry." CELCIA: My incredible body of fat escaped my pants. RYOKO: How do you fit all that in there?! CELCIA: My pants aren't denim, they're kevlar. >Washu looked, and said something. Even with Jeff's rather-limited >vocabulary, he still recognized the words "chan" and "diiku" anywhere. LINA: The words "ecchi," "hentai," "yaoi," and "baka" still eluded him, however. >"Look," Jeff said, hoping to hell that she hadn't seen *too* much. CELCIA: As she wasn't using a microscope at the time, she couldn't. >"I don't >know what you're saying, and I was about to... well, hell, since you saw >it, I was about to enjoy myself. Now what the hell-" >Washu raised a hand up to silence him, RYOKO: I could think of a better way to silence him than just a hand. Maybe an energy bolt or a sniper rifle... >and touched a few buttons on her >portable laptop. A few seconds later, she began speaking English. NEWJERSEY: You see, this reality ran on DVD, so all she needed to do was set the option to "English Dubbed." >"I believe that this is what you would call a 'plot contrivance'," she said >rather seriously. SHINJI: You know, this fic just riffs itself. >"Uhm... yeah." Jeff abruptly realized that either he was speaking Japanese, >or that everyone in the place suddenly understoof English. Contrivance, >indeed. >"Anyways... I brought you here with my invention, the Reality Distortion >Transportation Thingamabob," Washu continued. >"Great name." >"Ain't it?" she said with a wide grin. HARRY: Not really, considering I thought about it. >"At any rate, here you are, and so >I've got a coupla questions to ask you." >"Uh..." Jeff quickly remembered what had happened in the Tenchi Muyo videos >he'd borrowed from his friends. "What... *kind* of questions?" >Washu's grin grew wider. "Judging by what I saw when you got here, they'd be >the kind of questions you'd like!" LINA: I hope you're good at Trivial Pursuit... NEWJERSEY: What...is your name? What...is your quest? What...is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow? LINA: African or European? >".... right." Jeff sighed. "Alright, come on... since I'm here, I might as >well make an idiot of myself." HARRY: You're doing a good job without even trying. >The genius blinked. "Um, right. Now, if you'll just stay still..." As she >spoke, she pushed a few more buttons on the laptop, and the requisite >tentacle-demon-like machine popped up from under Jeff and promptly tied him >up. Jeff himself just sat there, looking rather amused and bemused. NEWJERSEY: It's the contraption of Cthulhu! CELCIA: Amused and bemused...so he has a thesaurus. RYOKO: "Requisite" tentacle-demon-like machine? My mom's lab does NOT have a Hentai motif! >"Nyehehehe... maybe *you* can give me that sample I've been looking for..." >Washu muttered as she typed furiously on the keyboard. LINA: You see I've been looking for about fifty kilos of pure human fat... >"Uh, right... I thought you wanted that sample from *Tenchi*, not me..." >Washu blinked. "How'd you know about Tenchi? Who are you?" Her eyes narrowed >and she began to regard Jeff with a suspicious gaze. >"Long story. Can we leave it at that?" HARRY: I guess not, if the fic-writer hasn't taken his own advice. >Washu reached over and flicked the machine onto idle for the time being. She >regarded Jeff with a serious look. "... y'know, I don't think that's a good >idea... I want to know who you are right *now*." SHINJI: Why should I? You're the one who brought ME here! >"I don't think I can explain that myself," Jeff mumbled as he looked >nervously around the room. Lights, machines, and weird bubbling stuff... >nope, nothing to help him. RYOKO: Let me give you a hint, genius. It's called a sledgehammer. Apply it repeatedly and violently to your hard disk. Apply similarly to your own skull. NEWJERSEY: Ryoko...don't say "Hard." It might give the fanfic author ideas. >Washu pushed a button, and the machine abruptly dropped out of sight, >dumping Jeff unceremoniously to the ground. "You come in here and you >already know who Tenchi is... I know there's something you're not telling me >here, and I wanna know what it is." >Jeff sighed. "Okay, I'll try to explain, but you're probably not gonna >understand it anyways, and even if you do understand it, it'll come off >sounding like a really lame excuse." LINA: I was abducted by aliens! SHINJI: my printer's down! CELCIA: I had to send three humans to their own dimension! RYOKO: It's all Ayeka's fault! HARRY: The dog ate my homework! NEWJERSEY: I ate my homework! >"What? You think that the *Greatest Scientific Genius in the Universe* won't >be able to figure this out? HA!" Washu posed proudly, and settled back down >in her bench a few seconds later. "So spill it already." >"Hm, all right... let's see... SHINJI: I am on a plate of sashimi. >I'm from a universe where you are products of >imagination... basically, you exist only in a graphic and text medium, and >serve no other purpose than to amuse us. Basically, your lives have no >meaning." >Washu blinked. CELCIA: Apparently the author has Washu confused with Mihoshi. Newjersey turns into his wolf form, then turns back to his werewolf form again, as Harry clicks a stopwatch. LINA: What was that for? HARRY: Newjersey and I wanted to see if he could shift forms faster than the author could shift Washu out of character. NEWJERSEY: Did I beat him? HARRY: Sorry, no. NEWJERSEY: Damn. >"*You* *don't* *exist*," Jeff reiterated slowly. CELCIA: I think, therefore you are not. RYOKO: There is no spoon. >Washu blinked again, then began to smile in that decidingly disturbed >fashion. "Nice try there... but not good enough." >"Of course... I didn't expect it to work," Jeff sighed. "Well, I guess I'm >gonna die now." ALL: ABOUT TIME! >"No, no, hold on..." Washu interrupted. "As weird as you are... I find you >really interesting. I think I'm gonna keep you around- as a specimen!" >Her eyes glinted dangerously, and she began to push a few more keys on the >laptop. >"Hey, wait a minute... what're you gonna do? Just keep me around until I >die?!" Jeff exclaimed, suddenly *very* worried. RYOKO: Oh come on, mom, just kill the bastard! NEWJERSEY: If she wanted to keep him as a specimen, couldn't she at least have used Formaldehyde? >"Sounds about right. Heh... you know me pretty well... maybe you're actually >telling the truth." >"I *am* telling the truth, damn it." LINA: I want the truth! SHINJI: I can't handle the truth! LINA: ...close enough. >"I'm still gonna lock you up." >Jeff managed to conceal his look of abject terror. "Well, if you're gonna do >that... can I at least get to say hi to the others? You know... Ryoko, Aeka, >S-Sasami, and Ryo-ohki...? Oh yeah, and Tenchi too." >Washu paused again, and for a second Jeff thought that she was simply going >to kill him then and there. She then whirled on him, expression intent. RYOKO: This guy is paranoid to the nth degree. >"You're either really powerful or *really* stupid," she said. NEWJERSEY: Definitely the latter. >"And you don't >feel powerful at all. I ran a scan on you and it showed nothing... so I'm >assuming you really *are* telling the truth here with this 'we don't exist' >stuff." CELCIA: Uh...she assumes that the author tells the truth when he says Washu doesn't exist...yet Washu's existence in this fic contradicts that... RYOKO: Don't think too hard on this. >"I'm glad you think so," Jeff mumbled, somewhat relieved. >"However," Washu continued, "if I *do* catch you doing something, I'm sure >you know what we are all capable of." >Jeff nods. "Right. I won't do anything. Trust me." LINA: Famous last words. >"This time, I will," Washu acknowledged. "But *just* this once. And only >because I'm feeling generous." NEWJERSEY: In fact I'm feeling so generous, I'll throw in my daughter at no extra charge. RYOKO: (Forming the energy blade) How about we throw in a fur rug, Newjersey? >Jeff smiled, managing to not make it look like a smirk with great effort. >"Thanks, Little Washu." >Washu looked back at him with a measure of mild surprise. "Somehow, I saw >that one coming." ALL: EEEEWWWWW!!! HARRY: Is it just me or are we becoming more sick-minded than the author apparently is at this point? LINA: Oh, we're just anticipating the inevitable. >"Um... can I go now?" Jeff gestured meekly towards the "door" of the lab, >which was sitting by itself, jambless, in the middle of space. >"All right, but I'm keeping an eye out, Jeff. Remember that." SHINJI: No, put that back in! You need your depth perception! >"Thanks," he said, and quickly ducked out of the lab. >After he left, Washu paused in her work for a few moments, staring at a >beaker in dumb amazement. CELCIA: Duhhhh...sea monkies are neato... >"I really don't believe this," she muttered. ALL: NIETHER DO WE! Meanwhile, in Central Dogma... RITSUKO: What do you mean, we're not scrambling the Evas?! MISATO: We can't! We don't have a pilot! EVA-02 is still in the shop, and we put EVA-01's pilot in there! RITSUKO: Well it's clear we need to know the nature of the enemy. Commander Ikari should be back from his trip to the Dead Sea by now. I'll see how he's doing with translation. Ritsuko takes the elevator up to the Commander's office, where she finds Gendo at his desk with a new pile of scrolls. RITSUKO: Commander, pardon my intrusion, but we need to know... GENDO: (reading the scroll in his hand) "How do you keep a conspirator in suspense? See other side of this scroll." (He turns the scroll over) "How do you keep a conspirator in suspense? See other side of this scroll." (He turns the scroll over) "How do you keep a conspirator in suspense..." Back in Central Dogma... MISATO: Any luck? RITSUKO: We'll check back on him in a few hours. [-----] >Walking out of the lab was a big mistake. NEWJERSEY: Walking into this THEATER was a big mistake. RYOKO: Writing this fic was an even bigger mistake. >During the course of time that he and Washu were having their merry little >chat, the dynamics of the Masaki residence had suddenly decided to return >to normal for a while. Thus, when Jeff walked out, he nearly got his head >sliced off by a blade of orange energy. RYOKO: Dammit! I missed! >Being the epitome of people with lackluster reflexes, Jeff just stood there >as he watch the blade hum by a bare centimeter from his chin. The >realization didn't set in until a few seconds later, when he ducked quickly- CELCIA: ...moving his head through the energy blade and ending his existence. The end. HARRY: You know, I wish they covered Dark Fics in my defense classes... >and ended up sprawling over the couch, nearly squashing Ryo-ohki. The cabbit >leapt aside, yowling and meowing in protest. Jeff, unaccustomed to such a >lifeform back on his version of Earth, popped right up from where he was >about to sit with a loud yelp of astonishment. He rammed face-first into >Aeka's backside, sending the older Princess of Jurai flying back onto the >floor with a surprised squawk. NEWJERSEY: He got from the lab to the couch just by ducking, and ran into Ayeka just by standing up. That would mean his width is approximately... ALL OTHERS: WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW! >Ryoko, meanwhile, had noticed that someone was actually foolish enough to >interfere in her argumant; and so, for once, she relented, letting the >orange energy-saber fade into her hand. RYOKO: Only a little OOC. I probably would have phased through the guy to get to Ayeka anyway. SHINJI: Are you sure you wouldn't get lost on the way? RYOKO: (turning green) Ugh...you have a point but why'd you have to make it now? >"Who's this guy?" she said, peering >over at the currently-frozen-in-place Jeff. >As for Jeff himself, he was bending over Aeka carefully, hoping to hell that >he didn't a shock from those Juraian wood-cylinder-things right up the ass. All the MST'ers wince. HARRY: I'd be shocked too if a meter-wide piece of wood took THAT route... RYOKO: I hate to admit it, but I think Azaka and Kamidake would be too smart to go there. >"Princess? Are you okay?" CELCIA: MMMF! I'm SUFFOCATING down here! Get OFF me! >"I- hey, who *are* you?" she muttered, rising up from the ground. "That's what I'm wonderin'," Ryoko said. RYOKO: (Jaw drops) Since WHEN have I ever been Southern?! LINA: Well, darlin', y'all come back now, y'hear? RYOKO: (Energy-blasts Lina) SHUT UP! >"Uh... heh," Jeff mumbled, smiling nervously. "Y'see... Washu was fooling >around with some invention of hers... and she kinda brought... me... here." HARRY: William Shatner?! NEWJERSEY: Captain's log...stardate...fifty-two...twenty- seven...point...one...Washu...kinda brought...us...here. >Ryoko and Aeka regarded him oddly. "You look really... strange," Aeka >remarked. "Your eyes are quite... um, small." RYOKO: You know what they say about men with small eyes. Shinji sweatdrops. HARRY: I thought it was about men who drive fast cars. NEWJERSEY: Or about women who cast big spells. LINA: EXPLOSION ARRAY!!! (Blasts Newjersey from his seat) SHINJI: Boy, she made that leap of logic pretty quick. >"Don't remind me." >"Look, if you're just gonna barge in on us like that, whoever you are-" >Ryoko began. >"Jeff," Jeff mumbled. "The name's Jeff." >"-Jeff," Ryoko continued, "then you can at least stay the hell away from >me and Aeka." RYOKO: And Tenchi, and Sasami, and Azaka, and Kamidake, and Noboyuki, and Yosho, and Mihoshi, and Kiyone, and the floating onsen, and the Masaki Shrine. CELCIA: I guess that covers everything. Oh, and stay away from elves, you sick bastard. NEWJERSEY: This coming from a priestess who helped in the denuding of many of her own kind? CELCIA: That was different! It's not my fault the spell split up the way it did! >Jeff sighed. "I really didn't want to barge *in*, y'know. HARRY: But I end up intruding when I'm on the other side of the room. >Your mom's kinda >unpredictable when she decides to yank people from other dimensions." >"Don't remind me," Ryoko said sourly. RYOKO: Mom's been yanking people out of random dimensions on a regular basis? Remind me to have a talk with her. >"Please, make yourself at home here," Aeka said charmingly. At least it's >not some girl that would distract Tenchi from loving me, she thought. Unless >he's gay. Which would not be good at all. CELCIA: Just cut to the chase. "This would not be good at all." No need for the "unless." >"Sasami should be in the kitchen, >so if you're hungry you can go ask her." >Jeff's expression remained stoic, but his mind began to slowly drift out of >focus. "Sasami? Your little sister?" he said, feeling something inside of >him depart. RYOKO: Ewww, right there on the floor, too! At least Ryo-ohki is housetrained! >"Yes, she... how did you know that?" >He smiled wryly. "It's kinda a long story... go ask Washu whenever she comes >out from her lab." >"That could take *days*," Ryoko muttered. LINA: So what's the deal, has Washu discovered EverQuest or something? NEWJERSEY: Just one...more...level up...one...more... >Jeff shrugged, and quickly ducked into the kitchen. >"What a strange little man," Aeka murmured, sitting back down on the couch. >"Little? Hardly. The guy looks like you after a food binge," Ryoko said, >smiling. >"Whaaaaat did you say?!" >"I said-" RYOKO: ...the guy looks like you after a food binge, your royal bitchiness! HARRY: You're getting a little too into this. >"Oh, *you*! Argh...!!" >The pyrotechnics started up once again. [-----] >The kitchen. The kitchen. That's where she was. NEWJERSEY: If not for the kitchen, who knows what she does? SHINJI: Nice poetic verse, Newjersey. >Jeff peeked in across the doorframe... and sure enough, there she was... the >younger Princess of Jurai, Sasami. She was wearing that adorable pink apron >with a giant carrot across the front again. And ponytails. Gotta love the >long hair. She walked back and forth quickly, touching this up, turning the >heat down just a bit on the soup, and finally topped it off with a decisive >wipe-down of the countertop. >Sasami. CELCIA: That's my name, don't wear it out! NEWJERSEY: I think that joke's so old, I could carbon date it. >She took a moment to sit back, sighing to herself, a content smile on her >freckled face. Jeff walked in that moment, smiling a bit himself. >"Hi," he said, waving hesitantly. >Sasami blinked. "Who're you?" she said. HARRY: I'm the self-inserting fanfic author. SHINJI: Jeff and Sasami in the same space...I have a bad feeling about this. >Jeff gritted his teeth. Okay, so maybe the voice was still as abrasive as >ever, he thought. RYOKO: What's he talking about? It's not like she's AYEKA, for crying out loud. >Nothing can be done about that. At least I could've been >sucked into the dubbed version of this reality, but nooooo.... I gotta get >dragged into the subtitled version. Sheesh. CELCIA: I thought Washu set the reality on "English Dubbed." NEWJERSEY: Then I stand corrected. >"I'm Jeff," he said. "Little Washu brought me here with one of her >inventions, so I guess I'll be staying for a while." NEWJERSEY: And while I'm here, I'm going to take advantage of you...er...your cooking. >"Oh... great! I'm Sasami!" She bowed her head slightly in traditional pose. >I know. >"Hi," Jeff repeated, smiling like an idiot now. HARRY: Shouldn't be too hard for this fic writer. >"Anyways, whatcha cooking?" >The classic Adam Christopher Leigh line, he thought. At least *I* like >Mihoshi- the OAV version, anyways, since the TV version was a complete putz >and she- RYOKO: Oh don't let us interrupt your synopsis of Tenchi trivia. >"Nothing special," Sasami replied, getting up and smoothing out the front >of her apron. "Just some soup, and rice, and... oh, you know, the usual >stuff." LINA: FOOD! HARRY: (Aiming his wand at Lina) STUPEFY! Lina collapses into her seat. NEWJERSEY: Nice trick...where do you get those? HARRY: Oh, Diagon Alley. One of these will go for a good ten or twelve galleons. Newjersey digs out a calculator and starts working through currency conversions. >"Right... so, when's dinner? I'm kinda hungry..." CELCIA: Big surprise there. >For more than just food. ALL: WE DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT! SHINJI: Brace yourselves, we are about to enter Lemon territory. >"It'll be in an hour or so. Are you going to eat with us?" >"I... guess so, if that's okay." RYOKO: No way in hell it's okay, fatass! >"Oh, sure!" Sasami beamed at him brightly. "I'll be happy to cook for you. >And I hope big sister and Ryoko won't mind, either. Say, have you met Tenchi >yet?" NEWJERSEY: Tenchi? CELCIA: Yeah, Tenchi! He's the skinny kid with the short dark hair. NEWJERSEY: (burp) er...no, I haven't. >I have, actually. "Nope," he said. "But I'll see him at dinner, right?" >Sasami nodded. "Yup. He's letting us all live here. It's very nice of him." >Jeff smiled uneasily- he was losing it, quickly- and began to back away >towards the door. "Anyways, I've got something to do right now, Sasami... so >I'll see you at dinner, then... right?" >"Right! Nice to meet you, Jeff!" She turned back to her cooking, and Jeff >would have survived unscathed, had not the following occurred. HARRY: You see, Lord Voldemort had descended upon the Masaki residence... >As she reached over for a ladle, she accidentally knocked a measuring cup >over. "Oh, no," she said, and bent over to reach it. Through the wonderful >powers of the deities above who decided that Jeff was to not live a peaceful >existence, he just happened to have a perfect view... as her apron and shirt >billowed downwards, allowing for a darkened but definitely clear view of her >braless, immature chest. SHINJI: This would be a good time to just LOOK AWAY. >Jeff's eyes widened... his gaze shot towards her >bottom, which was rounded and sticking out in that pert way... RYOKO: QUIT LOOKING, YOU PEDOPHILE!!! >then towards >his pants... and he quickly left, bolting away. NEWJERSEY: He can actually see his pants? >I saw it, he thought. Like a kid who sees his first issue of Penthouse... it >brought about an unimaginable thrill, a rush of sensation... and an >incredibly painful erection. RYOKO: ...which impaled him through his heart, killing him. HARRY: RYOKO! I did NOT need that mental image! CELCIA: Not like this guy could get the length to pierce all that blubber... Harry pukes in the LCL. SHINJI: Oh god, now we've all got to breathe that until it filters off... LINA: I'd rather do that than endure more of this fic. NEWJERSEY: On the bright side, the vomit makes the LCL more opaque, which obscures our viewing of the fic. That's a good thing. >Jeff quickly ducked into the backyard, hoping >to find a secluded niche around. There were none, of course; none that he >could see, RYOKO: Because he was so dense he couldn't find the forest OR the trees. HARRY: If he's anywhere near the size of my cousin Dudley, he wouldn't FIT into a secluded niche. >so he dashed back indoors (Aeka and Ryoko were just staring at >him by this point), and into the bathroom. >He couldn't go out again. Not after what he'd seen. It was his fantasy, his >dream... and he could not allow himself to go through with it because to do >so would mean the ending of someone else's dream. NEWJERSEY: Have you ever had a dream, Jeff, that you were so sure was real...what if you were unable to wake from that dream? >He'd have to resolve this on his own... as he had many times before. He >could already feel himself stiffening, in anticipation of the event. HARRY: Rigor Mortis? LINA: We should be so lucky. >Jeff sat on the toilet seat, noting how small the damn thing was, trembling. >Pictures were one thing. Seeing it in reality- well, *relative* reality- was >completely different. CELCIA: So relatively speaking, with respect to his butt, the toilet is microscopic. That would of course mean with respect to the toilet, his butt is...oh Kisamooth... (barfs) >It was as if he was altered anew... the dream flared >back up to life again, demanding to be sated. >He unzipped his pants, and tugged out his old friend, the one who had been >the source of satisfaction from his fantasies so many times before. HARRY: Pikachu, I choose you! >Sasami, he thought again, and wrapped his fingers around his penis. LINA: Both of them. SHINJI: Both pen...? CELCIA, LINA: (Punch Shinji. Hard.) FINGERS, YOU HENTAI! SHINJI: Oww... >He began >to rub up and down slowly, savoring the sensation, replaying the image that >he had just seen not two minutes ago over and over in his mind. The bending >over. The droop of the shirt and apron. The small, nearly-nonexistant >breasts that were tipped with tiny nipples. RYOKO: The sentence fragments. >Move gaze over. NEWKERSEY: The previous narration has been brought to you by Shampoo. RYOKO: Someone set up us the bomb. We get signal. Main screen turn on. >Her rear end, >not nearly as curvacious as that of Ryoko's, or maybe even Aeka's, but a >feast for the eyes nonetheless. HARRY: If I look at Cho Chang like that, am I disturbed? CELCIA: No, young human, seeing as you and she are close to the same age...that at least is somewhat natural. >Jeff began stroking slightly faster now, his entire being centered between >the going-ons between his legs. LINA: DAMN! For a fatass he sure is flexible! He compressed his entire body between his legs! >Unrequited love. Unbridled desire. Stroke. >Harder. He began to picture her in her mind, under his control, crying for >help- LINA: LET ME OUT OF THIS LEMON!!! >-except, he didn't *want* that, did he? He wanted something more. NEWJERSEY: He wanted her PokŽmon cards! RYOKO: And her carrot aprons! LINA: And her Magical Girl staff! All MST'ers look at Lina. LINA: What? >He wanted her to love him for it. >He began pushing harder with his fingers, his breath coming in ragged gasps >now. The one thought that first pervaded his mind began making itself heard >as it repeated over and over in his head. He wanted to fuck her. He wanted >to fuck her. He wanted to fuck her- HARRY: I think we get the point! I think we get the point! I think we get the point! I think we get the point- NEWJERSEY: I believe this author's mind is caught in an infinite loop. >He wanted to love her. >Her small breasts. The rosy nipples. Her rounded butt. Her small breasts. >The rosy nipples. Her rounded butt. Her small breasts. The rosy nipples. Her >rounded butt. Her sm- LINA: (Interrupting the Fic) THAT IS IT! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH! SHINJI: Uh...Lina, what... LINA: (Jumping up and floating in the LCL) Darkness beyond twilight...crimson beyond blood that flows...in thy majestic name buried in the flow of time... CELCIA: Oh no... HARRY: What? LINA: I hereby pledge myself to darkness, against all who oppose me... CELCIA: She's gonna cast it. HARRY: Cast what? LINA: All fools that stand in our way shall be annihilated by the power that we both posess! CELCIA: She's gonna use the Dragon Slave, subtitled edition! SHINJI: What's that do? CELCIA: Roughly speaking it'll deliver the same destructive potential as an N2 mine! SHINJI: OH CRAP! LINA! DON'T... LINA: DRAGON SLAVE!!!!!! The energy that Lina was channeling deploys from her hands in a superheated plasma stream, creating bubbles in the LCL in its wake. The spell stops just short of the screen, creating octagonal ripples in the phase space a second before the Dragon Slave detonates. A few seconds later, the MST'ers stare at the still intact screen with wide eyes, all looking charred with their hair blasted back. Newjersey's fedora, interestingly enough, is still on his head. NEWJERSEY: Owie. HARRY: Burnt fur does smell something awful...even in LCL. LINA: Dragon slave...had no effect? SHINJI: I tried to tell you. The screen is protected by an AT field, like the ones the Evas generate. The only thing that will pierce it, other than another AT field, is a positron blast powered by all the electrical generators in Japan! >"Jeff? Are you in there?" Aeka's voice came drifting from across the door, >snapping him back into a harsh state of reality. Jeff, however, could only >give an incoherent groan as he climaxed, sending semen all over his hand. All MST'ers vomit into the LCL. >He >quickly unrolled a few generous sheets of toilet paper and managed to wipe >his hand off, then flushed the toilet quickly, sending the paper down with >it. Jeff walked back out, looking around. >"Are you all right? You sounded very... um... pained in there," Aeka said >as he walked out. >"Oh, no... no... I'm fine," Jeff hastily mumbled. "I just- had constipation, >or something. Wouldn't come out, you know?" He tossed her a nervous smile. RYOKO: Oh yeah, constipation. That explains the bathroom's new whitewash job. NEWJERSEY: (Hurls) >"... yes, I understand," CELCIA: I masturbate like a wild monkey in the bathroom all the time. RYOKO: (Charges up an energy bolt, then thinks better of it) As hentai as that was, well, it WAS Ayeka... >Aeka muttered. "Now, please... it's almost time for >dinner. Sasami's cooking something wonderful for us, you know... it's--" LINA: ...Roast Cabbit with Rosemary. (Waits) What? No energy bolt? RYOKO: Unlike Sasami, Ryo-Ohki can just be reborn. Again. >Jeff stopped listening to her at that point and drifted off into thought. >yeah, I know. Something wonderful. > [-----] >Dinner passed by with a barrage of questions for Jeff: the usual entourage >of "how are you", NEWJERSEY: Horny. >"where are you from", LINA: The seventh level of hell. HARRY: I'd believe that... >"how can you speak Japanese so >well", CELCIA: Washu set my brain on "English Subtitled." >and the ubiquitous "did you have problems finding the bathroom". RYOKO: I don't think we need to answer that one. >Jeff >managed to paste a somewhat-bland smile on his face as he politely answered >the questions, munching on his food quietly. >His attention was really focused on one thing: the paragon of innocent >beauty before him, Princess Sasami. SHINJI: He was paying so much attention to Sasami that he lost control of his chopsticks and plunged one through each eye socket and into his brain. The end. >Jeff watched every single nuance of her >actions: the way she chewed her food delicately (sixteen times, fourteen >times, seventeen times, a drink of water, a sip of miso soup, fourteen >times, eighteen times) and the bulge in her throat as she swallowed the >masticated mass. HARRY: Did you say swallow? >Yes. Swallow. HARRY: I thought so. RYOKO: This author makes even the simple act of eating sound perverted. >He didn't know how long he'd be able to control himself; he didn't know that >he even had to, until that moment in time when he had watched his own >semen-covered hand in mild horror. After a few moments, he had gently placed >one finger in his mouth experimentally, tasting the flatness of his own >ejaculate. All except Shinji throw up in the LCL. Shinji, meanwhile, is just staring catatonically at the screen. >This sweetness stems from Sasami, he had thought. I gorge myself upon it. >Now, as she sat before him, he couldn't help but wonder... how would he do >this? And what were the repercussions going to be? RYOKO: Death and disembowelment...(she looks at Shinji) Hey, what's wrong? LINA: Oh please, don't tell me he's enjoying this? HARRY: I don't think that's pleasure, it looks more like fear. >Of course, he didn't expect to get out of this alive... if he was even >alive anymore. Raping a little girl who had connections to the greatest >scientific genius in the universe, a notorious space pirate, and a royal >princess of a powerful empire was a damned stupid idea. NEWJERSEY: Gee, ya think? CELCIA: This fanfic author? Think? Don't make me laugh. >Still... there was that feeling, that *throb* that he couldn't shake. >Somewhere in him, he wanted to feast himself on her, LINA: I'll eat her liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti. (Slurp slurp slurp) >physically, mentally, >until his lust was satisfied. It wasn't a lust he could fully explain... >hell, he knew it was stupid, and yet he was going through with it-- >Wait. >*Was* he going to go through with it? RYOKO: Better not... >His mind didn't give him a response. There was only a matter of time before >his body would dictate his fate. NEWJERSEY: And with any luck, that fate is cardiac arrest. >"Hey, what's the matter with you?" Ryoko called out from her bowl of udon >noodles. "See somethin' you like?" >"Uh... sorry," Jeff mumbled hastily, burying his own face in a pile of >California rolls. It wouldn't do at all, really, to have his plans >discovered before he even brought them into actions. HARRY: Shinji's really starting to scare me...all he's done is stare at the screen. SHINJI: Mustn't...run away...I mustn't run away... CELCIA: That's a bit better... >Was he really going to do this?! >Yes. No. >No. You can't. >Yes. LINA: THRILL at the fits of indecision! Be AMAZED as the SI character can't make up his mind whether or not to commit statutory rape! >Of course not. You do this, and you violate every ideal that you claim to >uphold... being a lover of children, a defender of innocence and youth... CELCIA: SAILOR FATASS! >Lover.... >What a joke. ALL: Ha ha. >It was all a mask, really. Beneath that mask lay the same thing that had >been Humbert's undoing... an unsatiable, burning lust for something that was >forbidden and taboo, something that was unspeakably beautiful in a way that >no one else could understand. HARRY: I dunno, I think Sasami's kinda cute. CELCIA: It might be perverted in your case, but you're closer to Sasami's age and probably have a better survival instinct. RYOKO: Hmmm...Harry gets Sasami, that keeps Tsunami from coming between me and Tenchi... >No one understood him. They hated him, for his desire that he wanted >everyone and no one to know about. He would tease them with it, and pretend >to flaunt it.. only to withdraw at the last moment and reerect his face of >seeming-indifference. NEWJERSEY: I understand "they hated him," but after that the grammar goes so much to hell that even with my knowledge of ancient languages I can't decipher it. >There were those who went beneath that face.. LINA: ...Dug deep enough into his cranial cavity and mutliated his brain, killing him. >but >even then, they didn't not reach behind further to see the ugly truth that >even Jeff himself hated to admit. >He wanted to fuck Sasami. NEWJERSEY: (sarcastically) No, really, after repeating it three or four times before, you'd think he really wanted to wash their windows! RYOKO: If that ecchi ever comes near her...so help me... SHINJI: I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away... >But it would have to wait. HARRY: Wait all you want. Wait forever. >Jeff finished up his dinner, then quietly let Aeka and Yosho guide him to >his room. CELCIA: Using a forklift. >The princess looked at him oddly for a few brief moments; the >elderly Juraian remained impasse. Nevertheless, Jeff thanked them both for >their hospitality and curled up on his futon, sweating, his heart pounding. >He knew that there was no way he would sleep tonight, not with this >opportunity in his grasp. NEWJERSEY: An opportunity for some serious and immediate weight loss! Washu can take those pounds off painlessly! SHINJI: I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away... >He remained there for the better part of the night; so did his erection. The >mere thought of actual, real action did wonders for it. RYOKO: You know, Viagra can do the same thing, without involving minors. >There were a few >moments when he caressed himself to make the pain ease away, but it only >served to excite him even more. LINA: A few moments?! To "carress" all that would take a few hours! >He glanced over at the clock. It was 1:13. As he stared, the three clicked, >and turned into a four. >Now or never. Do or die. CELCIA: Please pick "die..." please pick "die..." SHINJI: I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away... >The first, the second. NEWJERSEY: The third! It's a home run! RYOKO: He'd better not with Sasami. NEWJERSEY: I'm thinking about baseball, Ryoko. >Jeff quietly got up from the futon, and made his way over to the door, >sliding it aside easily. The hallway was totally dark and quiet... aside >from the chirping of the crickets and the heat, which was almost palpible. >Tiptoeing, he padded down the hall and gently situated himself CELCIA: It's hard to believe he could "pad" down the hall and "gently" situate himself, when a step from a person of this weight could be measured on the richter scale. HARRY: You know Dudley can set off the seismographs at Caltech from England. I'll bet this guy could set them off from Japan. >in front of >the door he knew would lead to her room--after all, he'd watched the series >countless times, and there was simply a feeling in his LINA: ...Crotch. >(mind) LINA: Same diff. >heart that told him where it was. Where it was.. >Where was he? NEWJERSEY: This guy has worse direction sense than Ryoga. HARRY: Maybe he could use a marauder's map. NEWJERSEY: Bad idea. It shows the location of other people on it, right? HARRY: Er yeah...I see your point. Best not to let him know where Sasami is. >He stayed there for the better part of fifteen minutes, millimetering CELCIA: (Opening a dictionary) Let's see...metering, to measure with a meter. So what's he doing, measuring Sasami's door to the smallest unit measure he can visibly observe? >the >door open so slowly that it might as well not even have been moving. The >sight did not manifest itself like Camelot emerging from the mists of time. >In fact, the room was totally dark, and Jeff couldn't see a thing; he'd >have to be extra-careful so as to not wake anybody up. RYOKO: Please, Sasami, have the good sense to get Washu to make you some IR goggles... NEWJERSEY: Or maybe have Ayeka put one of those teleport traps on Sasami's door. SHINJI: I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away... >Finally, he silently, silently arched one foot over the threshold, being >infinitely careful not to stub his toe against the bottom railing and hurt >himself and start cursing HARRY: Cursing? I'll show you CURSING! CELCIA: POTTER! Put the wand down! Get a hold of yourself! >which would wake everyone up and they would ask >him what he was doing-- >Creeeeeak. >Of all the bloody things, the floorboard just *had* to be-- RYOKO: --Rigged with a land mine. Click. Boom. The end. >It didn't matter. Nothing mattered, anymore. He'd crossed the threshold, in >more ways than one; beyond a physical concept, it was a blatant metaphor for >what he was about to attempt (not attempt, he *will* succeed and die for it >or die trying--either way it was a lose/lose situation... except he wouldn't >have lost, will he? He would've gotten what he was searching for his whole >life, and in such he had won the battle. What a fucking trite way to look at >it). HARRY: Why, oh, why, is the author trying to RATIONALIZE his perversity?! >There was no turning back now. >Yes, there was. He'd been lying to himself again. But he wouldn't do it, >would he? One way to look at it was his strength: it took fortitude to do >something this wrong... and it took weakness for him not being able to hold >out against what he himself could not control and looked upon as a curse of >his existence. Yin and yang, two sides of a coin. Life. Death. LINA: Poorly rationalized Eastern philosophy. HARRY: I could liken this to one of my old teachers, but I'd probably bring down the wrath of J.K. Rowling's lawyers. NEWJERSEY: As if your presence in this fic wouldn't do that already. >There would only be death in this consummation. On both sides. Of the coin. RYOKO: There's William Shatner again... >He made his way closer, closer, ever closer. His heartbeat was racing, the >noise pumping in his ears like a rhythmic, muffled hammer pounding on a >piece of pus-filled flesh. Given that image, all the MST'ers, except for the still catatonically afraid Shinji, vomit explosively. >He reached out. He sought. He gently lifted the >cover back, unaware of all else.... >"Hi Jeff." >She was awake, and NEWJERSEY: ...she found herself on a plate of Sashimi. RYOKO: That joke is getting really old. NEWJERSEY: I'll stop using it when it belongs in a museum. >had been looking at him. What to do.. what to do?! >Sasami giggled. "You couldn't sleep, huh? What are you doing--" >"Shhhh," he shushed gently, looking around. Aeka wasn't around--apparently >the older Princess had decided that Sasami, being eight-hundred and eight >years old, HARRY: She's HOW old? LINA: Great...so much for getting Jeff on statutory rape. >was old enough to sleep by herself. How convenient. For him. >"Uh... Sasami...?" >"Huh?" >"Can we play a game? Right now?" NEWJERSEY: How about a nice game of chess? CELCIA: That's a boring game. How about global thermonuclear war? >This wasn't right, the exploitation of such >an innocent and untainted mind... >"I'm *sleeping* LINA: ...on a plate of sashimi, >Jeff," Sasami chided gently, and turned around. NEWJERSEY: As a Ph.D. in archaeology, I'm now making it official. That joke belongs in a museum. RYOKO: Why do YOU get to decide that? NEWJERSEY: I have a BS and MS from Harvard, and a Ph.D. From Juraiahelm University in Archaeology. I have a fedora, a fine leather jacket, two pistols- -one signed by Harrison Ford and the other by Angelina Jolie--and a whip signed by Ayeka Jurai. I think I'm more than qualified. >This would NOT DO. SHINJI: I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away... >He felt anger rise in him, and that was what conquered him--the horrible >anger, which he had sworn never to allow come up ever again, rising within >him almost as fast as his penis had. CELCIA: His penis rose within him fast, rapidly outstripping his anger and reaching his cranium, where it displaced his brain out through his ear. NEWJERSEY: I think that happened to his author a long time ago. >Without thinking, his hands shot out. LINA: So of all the SI powers this author had to have, he gave himself detachable body parts? >One caught her by the cheek in a vicious slap that would leave a bruise in >the morning. >(if she is still there by then) RYOKO: Please tell me that the little girl and her bitch sister caught the next flight out to Jurai. For all our sakes. NEWJERSEY: "Our?" RYOKO: Tenchi's, mine, and Sasami's. >The other clamped over her mouth. The little girl struggled, and that's when >Jeff maneuvered himself onto her body, crushing her with his obscene weight. CELCIA: Obscene doesn't even begin to describe it. SHINJI: I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away... >"I want to *play*," he whispered hoarsely, and gently licked the tip of her >nose. The girl elicited another scream that was muffled by his mouth, and >that's when Jeff pressed his hand at her throat, cutting off her air supply. >Within a half a minute she was motionless and limp in his arms. NEWJERSEY: I'd have called it pedophilia, until I learned that Sasami is eight hundred and eight. Now I guess it's necrophilia. RYOKO: (screaming at the screen) YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU KILLED SASAMI! LINA: I've had worse... >Almost giggling madly to himself, Jeff picked her up easily in his arms-- >love gave him strength--and made his way back out, with nowhere near the >care he took to get in. He stepped back on the creaky floorboard again. He >stepped on it multiple times. HARRY: In fact he stepped on it all night, and got his jollies off of a floorboard rather than a little girl. NEWJERSEY: Meanwhile Sasami recovered and ran to get the others. Quickly, they called the Shady Oaks Insane Asylum, and within ten minutes trained professionals armed with stun guns, ketamin, and high-power forklifts took Jeff away. LINA: Where they locked him up next to Magical Girl Pretty Noboyuki. ALL BUT SHINJI: THE END! SHINJI: I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away... HARRY: I don't think he's snapped out of it. >When nothing happened ("They probably think >that it's Ryoko sneaking around again," Jeff thought), he made his way out >of the house, unobstructed. RYOKO: BULL! I don't sneak around doing perverted things to people! If I had to sneak around at all, I could just go through the walls! If not for that damn teleport trap... >STOP THIS! his mind blared at him. ST-- LINA: Heed your mind! A mind is a terrible thing to waste! >Shut up. She's mine now. All, all, mine. Her body... her soul... mine. NEWJERSEY: Okay, who's talking now? CELCIA: I think he's got a multiple personality complex. HARRY: Maybe he's posessed by Lord Voldemort... LINA: Wouldn't that mean you're the only one who can save Sasami, Harry? HARRY: Yeah, if I could get through the AT field...Shinji, could you... SHINJI: I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away... HARRY: Never mind. Sasami is doomed. >But not her love. >YES, her love. I'll *make* her love me. >Poor thing... don't you know that love can never be forced? >Fuck off. I've got my piece coming to me. NEWJERSEY: I've got a new theory... CELCIA: Oh please, enlighten us, Mr. I've-got-a-Ph.D. NEWJERSEY: You're not going to want to hear it. LINA: Anything's better than this fic. NEWJERSEY: Well, there seems to be two entities at work here. One is Jeff's mind... CELCIA, LINA, RYOKO, HARRY: Yes? NEWJERSEY: And the other is his penis. And I'm not speaking in Freudian terms. Pause, as the color drains from everyone's faces...even Newjersey's fur. LINA: You mean... RYOKO: It literally...talks?! NEWJERSEY: Lobos...this fic is infecting my being...kill me now... Pause. Then all MST'ers explosively vomit, some deliberately as they try to cloud the LCL enough to obsucre the fic. >The sensible side faded, and Jeff threw himself over the fence and onto the >not-so-green side. NEWERSEY: Please tell me he at least impaled himself on that fence... HARRY: (Jumps to his feet, waves his wand, and calls out) EXPECTO PATRONUM! A blindingly white light shoots out from Harry's wand, coalescing into a radiant stag. The stag charges the screen, and then abruptly stops, gets a look of abject terror on its face, turns around and runs to the back of the theater. It collides with the theater wall and disintegrates. Harry looks at the results of his spell with despair and shock on his face. HARRY: Oh no... CELCIA: We are doomed. > [-----] >Darkness. HARRY: Lumos... CELCIA: Harry no baka! Put the damn thing away, it makes it too easy to see the fic! HARRY: Oh no, you're right...Nox! >He laid her out gently, gently, like a lover (she *was* a lover), onto the >dewy grass. RYOKO: She's been kidnapped, nearly strangled to death, smothered and crushed under lard ball here, and now hypothermia will finish her off. LINA: Poor Sasami... >Carefully, he began to remove her sparse clothing, which was >already matted with the wet. The light pink pajama pants came off first. NEWJERSEY: Oh no, he's going to drag this out into every excruciating detail... HARRY: I'd rather have my soul sucked out...wait a minute...THAT'S WHAT THIS FIC IS DOING!!! >He >took a brief moment to look longingly at her crotch, hidden by her white >panties, then continued to unbutton each and every button on her top. When >all was done, Jeff parted the sides like water, CELCIA: AAAAAAAARGH! IT'S THE HENTAI MOSES! >revealing pure, warm and >unblemished flesh underneath. Nipples--barely formed, no different from that >of a young boy's, and yet so ultimately different... RYOKO: Let me clarify. She may be 808 chronologically speaking, but from being in stasis, SHE'S EIGHT, YOU HENTAI!!! AND SHE'S NOT YOUNG BY CHOICE LIKE WASHU! >the faint ridges of her >collarbone standing out slightly below where he had applied pressure to >knock her unconscious... her little bellybutton, a nice, neat indentation in >the otherwise-smooth curve of her flat stomach. >Jeff ripped the pajamas and flung them aside savagely, not caring where the >hell they landed. It wouldn't matter, in an hour... or two... or three... >however long it took for him to quell the thirst. SHINJI: I mustn't run away...I mustn't run away...I mustn't...SCREW THIS! I'm outta here! Shinji gets up out of his seat and runs for the back of the theater, where he tries to open the emergency hatch. SHINJI: COME ON, DAMMIT, OPEN!!! LET ME OUT OF HERE! Newjersey bolts from his seat and grapples Shinji. NEWJERSEY: Shinji! Get a hold of yourself! SHINJI: NO! I WANT OUT! LET ME OUT! NEWJERSEY: We all want out, but if we panic we're all hosed! Here...stand back! Newjersey draws his pistols and fires at the hatch, putting a few pockmarks in it but producing no appreciable damage. Snarling, he puts his pistols away and hammers at the door with his werewolf strength. The most he manages is a few larger dents, and then his fist stops against the air, where the space ripples with the phase distortions. NEWJERSEY: DAMMIT! SHINJI: An AT field?! >Slowly, he bent down, and >looked at the hidden prize: she was wearing white panties, as most girls did >in these types of situations. CELCIA: You mean most Juraian girls wear white panties as customary dress to rape scenes? >White panties, with a little blue ribbon on >the elastic strap of the underwear. LINA: My god...she's so young...and she's already winning first prize... RYOKO: DON'T GO THERE! (Blasts Lina) >He smiled gently, and moved back up towards Sasami's chest, flicking the tip >of his tongue over her budding nipple, tasting the essence of her, what he >had longed for ever since he came to his sense (ever since he went insane, >depending on how one looked at it) three years ago. NEWJERSEY: He's been like this for THREE YEARS and nobody noticed?! SHINJI: Son, your school called, they said you raped all the kindergarteners. Just promise not to do it again like you did every day for the past six months. NEWJERSEY: Welcome back, Shinji, sorry you have to come back to hell. HARRY: (Pointing his wand at the screen) AVARDA KEDAVRA! LINA: No way...Harry? Using a killing curse? CELCIA: I thought you could get a life sentence for that curse. HARRY: Only if I use it on another human being instead of this fic. (Points his wand at the screen again) AVARDA KEDAVRA! The curse goes off, hits the screen, and is absorbed. RYOKO: It...didn't work? >It didn't taste like >much... but his mind wanted it to, and believed it to. NEWJERSEY: She needs Worcsterchiere sauce. >To him, it wasn't >just the physical taste of her skin, but the idea and concept of what he was >doing to her, something forbidden, fruits taste sweet. SHINJI: Why didn't the dead sea scrolls mention THIS? This is the 20th Angel! LINA: I thought it was the 26th. NEWJERSEY: Wait, wasn't that Angel you first faught against in Eva-01 the first Angel? SHINJI: Actually that one was the third. CELCIA: Third? You mean the second one caused the second impact? SHINJI: Yeah, I think so. CELCIA: So what was the first impact? SHINJI: I dunno. RYOKO: Newjersey, do you know? NEWJERSEY: Got me. Pause. RYOKO: Which Angel is this, anyway? SHINJI: I dunno, I lost count three Angels ago. >He continued to >circle the small, pink areola, and gave a barely-audible snort of contempt >as her tiny nipples began to harden. NEWJERSEY: Pitiful nipples, I've seen better on Lina! LINA: GARV FLARE! (Blasts Newjersey) >They were so different and yet not, he thought. The naivete of youth and the >sensuality of maturity shattering that naivete, that glass window, into a >thousand shards which melt away into sweet nothings in a lover's ear... RYOKO: He's mixing sweet poetry with Hentai... SHINJI: What's worse, the LCL is clearing up. Doesn't anyone have any more lunch to regurgitate? RYOKO: Nope. NEWJERSEY: I'm spent. LINA: Foood...need fooooood... CELCIA: Empty here. HARRY: Haven't had anything since lunch. >Jeff ran his hands gently over her, then decided better of it. He wasn't >worthy to touch her bare body with his hands; she would be soiled beyond all >in a few minutes, LINA: Soiled?! What's he going to do, wear her like a diaper? ALL OTHERS: DON'T GIVE THE HENTAI WRITER IDEAS!!! >and further defilation wasn't what he wanted of her. He >wanted... he wanted... HARRY: He wanted to have sex with a twelve-year-old, which would invariably result in her being crushed to death under his weight! Just come out and say it! Get this pain over with! >.. *her*. SHINJI: He's being vague...oh god, he's being vague... HARRY: I am being slowly scarred for life. RYOKO: I thought you already were scarred. HARRY: (pointing to the lightning-bolt shaped scar on his forehead) THIS IS DIFFERENT! >Lifting one of her arms up, he began to lick the fold of her armpit, >marvelling at the soft, round curve of her body. NEWJERSEY: He has most of her private parts exposed and the first place he goes is her armpit. Not only is this guy sick, he needs an anatomy class. CELCIA: Like you should talk, your kind sniff butts when they meet. NEWJERSEY: (Backhanding Celcia) DON'T STEREOTYPE ME, YOU POINTY-EARED BITCH! LINA: You really don't know how to treat a lady, do you, furball?! (Charging up a spell.) NEWJERSEY: I'm very egalitarian like that. HARRY: GUYS! This fic has us at each other's throats! Settle down! If we kill each other, the Angels win! NEWJERSEY: Oh shit...that's right...(sigh)...I'm sorry, Celcia. CELCIA: Yeah...I'm sorry too...you're not hentai like Junpei is. At least you haven't tried to rip my clothes off... HARRY: ACCIO CELCIA'S DRESS! Celcia's dress jumps off her body, and flies into Harry's waiting grip. CELCIA: (scrambling to cover herself) HARRY NO ECCHI! HARRY: I wasn't REALLY expecting THAT to work... >It was then that Sasami >began to come to, moaning gently. RYOKO: Please let that not be a typo there. SHINJI: Relax, Ryoko, I don't think Sasami is getting an iota of pleasure from this. >"Wha..." she began, and opened her mouth to scream. >Jeff quickly moved his face upwards and pressed his mouth against hers in a >kiss. HARRY: He just...just sucked out her soul! LINA: Harry...this isn't book 3. >Her eyes widened, and she reached around with one arm and struck him >on the side of the head feebly. Jeff pulled back, smiling. >"Don't do that, Sasami," he said. "I just want to play with you, forever..." LINA: Okay, maybe it isn't book 3, but it's just turned into "The Cell." >"I'm s-scared," she said, trying to draw back. Jeff quickly spread his legs >apart and planted one knee on each of her arms, ignoring her cry of pain. RYOKO: Her arms having just been made two-dimensional. >"Don't be," he said, moving his penis closer to the tip of her nose. "It'll >be okay." NEWJERSEY: At the risk of sounding hentai, I'd say that for Jeff this is a face-to-face conversation. CELCIA: (Recovering her dress) You're right, it does sound hentai, but in this case it's so accurate it's scary. >"What a-are you doing to m-m-me?" she whispered, starting to shiver from the >cold. "I-I'm sorry..." >Jeff eased his weight so as to not smother her, RYOKO: But because he had so much flab, he failed miserably, and thus poor Sasami-chan was put out of her misery. >and grabbed her head with >his hands, forcing her face directly towards his crotch. "It's not your >fault," he muttered, guiding his penis into her mouth. "It's mine. All mine. >My fault, Sasami. I never want to hurt you, because I love you." RYOKO: NOOOO! SASAMI!!! LINA: Ih you lugh ee ho uch, deh ake ohr ick ouh oh ih outh! NEWJERSEY: I don't even want to translate that. >Sasami's reply was muffled as she began to struggle, choking on his penis. CELCIA: Figuring to scale, that would mean Sasami shrank. >Jeff allowed her to draw back so she could regain her breath, then gently >but firmly guided her mouth towards his crotch once more. >"I want you to pretend like you're sucking on a lollipop," he said, dreading >the words even as he said them. "Nothing else, okay? Can you do that for >me?" NEWJERSEY: I have this sudden urge to bite Sasami. RYOKO: Sasami?! What did she do? She's the victim!!! NEWJERSEY: Ryoko, use your eyes, I'm a werewolf! I bite her, and if Juraian biochemistry is anything like human biochemistry, she'll become a werewolf too, and shred this self-inserting hentai to fat puree! HARRY: That's an idea... >She nodded. Jeff felt the tickle of her hair against his crotch, and looked >down; she was crying, her cheeks wet with tears. A sudden impulse in his >mind told him that it was still possible to stop, still possible to halt his >insanity... LINA: But then he thought, nah, then I wouldn't have a lemon. >but when she began to caress his penis with her mouth, >everything melted away from his brain in a wash of bliss. CELCIA: Brain liquefaction...so Sasami gave him the Juraian equivalent of the ebola virus? >It was the moment >he had been waiting for and had finally acheived, his lifelong fantasy... >and with it came a wash of guilt and self-hatred so tangible that he nearly >began crying himself. What was he doing to her? And himself? SHINJI: Scroll up, you moron! I'm not going to recap your sick behavior for you! >He didn't moan or groan at all; he never did when he masturbated, and he >wasn't going to start now. RYOKO: Because he learned to masturbate hardcore style! With sandpaper and chainmail gauntlets and... Newjersey pounds Ryoko into the theater floor, whereupon she promptly regenerates. RYOKO: Thanks, I needed that. >Jeff had always thought that the groaning was a >purely-theatrical bit, especially for the females. His proof was right here, >laying on the ground, pinned beneath his own grotesque weight. HARRY: Grotesque...obscene...impossible...I'm surprised this guy hasn't collapsed in on his own weight! >There was no >other sound aside from the faint wet smacking of the little girl's lips >closing and squeezing over his penis, and the whisper of the wind as it blew >past the two of them, making them both aware of their nakedness. >He felt it well up in him, a wave of familiar pleasure gathering in his >abdomen. NEWJERSEY: And then the Alien burst out through his chest and he died. The end. HARRY: Don't be stupid...the alien would get lost and die of starvation before it found his skin! >He told himself to pull out, SHINJI: I'm hit! I'm hit! I can't stay with you! HARRY: Pull out, Wedge, you can't do any more good back there! >that there was no need to further >sully her. He told himself again, and as the wave welled up higher and >higher, there wasn't any other thought in mind except to keep going and her >sucking became faster and harder-- CELCIA: It's like the author portrays Sasami enjoying this! >Jeff climaxed inside her mouth. NEWJERSEY: ALL RIGHT! ENOUGH! YOU GOT A SUCK JOB FROM SASAMI! BE SATISFIED AND LET US OUT OF HERE! LINA: I don't think it's going to let us out that easy... >She recoiled, gagged, and broke away from his penis, coughing on the strands >of semen in her throat. Jeff wasted no time, and was clamping her mouth shut >with his hand RYOKO: But he overestimated his strength and she bit it off. Newjersey, Harry, and Shinji wince. LINA, CELCIA: Good call. >as soon as he had recovered from the last wave of pleasure >that washed over him. "Swallow it," he whispered in her ear. "Please." He >gave her ear a brief lick and nip on the lobe, SHINJI: Okay, time out, first of all, ignoring the obscene amount of lard on this guy, considering where his pelvis is, he would have to have folded himself in HALF to get his head near her ear to do that! RYOKO: Unless he tore her ear off and didn't tell us...I'LL KILL THIS BASTARD! >then continued to hold her >mouth shut until he saw the small bulge in her throat dip down. Satisfied, >he released her chin and bent close, kissing her mouth, drinking in her >taste, enjoying the moment far too much. CELCIA: He enjoys the taste of secondhand semen...this is beyond SICK! NEWJERSEY: Better hope your school doesn't get a hold of this fic, or they'll have the worst form of detention ever. HARRY: If my school got a hold of this fic it would go to the Ministry for threat assessment. >Moving downwards, Jeff began to trace the tip of his tongue over her >shivering body; LINA: Hypothermia. Definitely hypothermia. >whether she was shivering in coldness or pleasure (that was >all-but-impossible, and if she really was, he'd never forgive himself) was >difficult to tell. Slowly, he licked the tip of her left nipple, sucking on >the stiffened nub with his cracked, dry lips. He opened his mouth a little >more, and took the areola into his mouth, HARRY: There's the "areola" again. SHINJI: Someone got a copy of "Gray's Anatomy." >the sucking sounds being the only >noise in the area now. Sasami, meanwhile, didn't even move; her attempts at >resistance had all but vanished when he had come in her mouth, and now she >was just sitting here, a piece of meat for him to pillage, rape, and ravish. CELCIA: I thought the pirate credo was "loot the village, rape the women, and kill the sheep." RYOKO: It's more politically correct now. The credo is "First you pillage, then you burn." Juraian ships tend to combust rather easily, and we lost a lot of loot until that credo was adopted. LINA: Don't tell me...the space pirates have unionized? RYOKO: Ever since Mihoshi came onto the GP, we had to. We needed to demand that GP send competent agents after us, or we would all go on strike. If all the space pirates did that, the GP would fold for lack of business. >He couldn't tolerate the thought, and abruptly broke off his oral caressing, >raising one hand. The girl didn't move at all. Her eyes were almost vacant >now, staring at a single blade of grass that was resting above her left arm. HARRY: Poor girl...she's catatonic... >"Sasami...?" he murmured, his own voice disgustingly heavy with gentleness. >It was as if he actually cared...! >"Wha.." was all the girl said in response. >Jeff drew his hand back and slapped her sharply across the face. She didn't >respond at all. Wincing and yet smirking at the same time, he did it again. NEWJERSEY: Come on, Sasami, let's play Ren and Stimpy! I'll be Ren! "Steempy!" SLAP! "you EEDIOT!" SLAP! >This time, the girl seemed to moan and look up at him, her cheeks a faint >flush of red from his slaps. >"Don't die on me," he whispered, gently pushing a lock of blue hair out from >her eyes. "I want you to live..." HARRY: He wants her to live, so he slaps her across the face? LINA: Who taught this guy CPR?! CELCIA: Maybe he just saw "The Abyss" too many times and thought the face- slapping worked better than the defibrilator or the chest compressions. >"... what are you talking about? Don't hurt me anymore... please... I want >Aeka, and Ryoko..." All MSTers stare in shock. RYOKO: She...she's a... NEWJERSEY: Whoda thought...Sasami... SHINJI: Guys...er...maybe she's just in shock and can't speak straight? >/Aeka. Ryoko. Jealous... possessive little *bitches*... she's *mine*! Her >body... her mind... and most of all, that elusive target, her soul.../ LINA: It's official. The author is Satan. >And yet he knew that was also a lie, like everything else. CELCIA: Like the tooth fairy, and Santa Claus... SHINJI: And most of the stuff at NERV... NEWJERSEY: And my hazard pay... >"Shut UP!" he bellowed, before managing to regain control of himself. Not >yet. He hadn't done *it* yet, and there was no reason to draw attention to >himself before he did *it*. After *it*, the whole world could implode, and >nothing would matter anymore. SHINJI: He's going to light off the third impact! Wait... (counts off on his fingers) FIFTH IMPACT! RYOKO: Five impacts...NERV's track record is not looking too good. LINA: Is it just me or did he just refer to Sasami as "it?" RYOKO: He must have ravaged her too much! She lost all sense of gender! HARRY: If that's true, then this fic is over. Washu could heal the damage in an epilogue or something. >/Getting repetitive, aren't you? Shut up and fuck her./ NEWJERSEY: yes, oh voice in my head. >Wrenching her body down onto the grass once more, he quickly caressed his >penis until it grew hard again, marvelling at the total lack of recovery >time. RYOKO: And the total lack of genitalia. >It usually did take five to ten minutes before he could get it up... >but even he understood the urgency of the situation, and five to ten minutes >was time he could not afford. LINA: I don't believe this. He actually TIMED it? NEWJERSEY: Probably for occasions just like this. >Jeff looked at her vagina once more. It was so >small, barely anything noteworthy: just a small crevice in the midst of a >triangle of flesh... HARRY: Triangle of WHAT? Oh no...if the writer reads his own fic he'll get too many ideas for new ones... RYOKO: Threesomes with me, Ayeka, and Tenchi. Been there, done that. All stare at Ryoko. RYOKO: Other lemon fics! Geez! >and yet, his mind attached so much desire and lust onto >that one area. The story, the passion, the epitome of his own pathetic life, >embodied in a small, seemingly insignificant private area of a little girl's >body. >How utterly shallow. >How utterly worthless. CELCIA: How utterly accurate. >He had affixed his entire life onto this-- >--no, that was a lie. He had created so many things for himself... his >multiple talents, his social life, or lack of one, and his friends... and it >was all worth nothing. Nothing at all, really... LINA: (Singing "Bohemian Rhapsody") Nothing really matters...nothing really matters...to me... >because the moment was all >he had wanted. And after the moment was over, concluding in a burst of >white, sticky liquid into the crotch of his taboo fantasy, he would kill >himself. Because life as a hypocritical existence was not worth living. >Sasami was trembling with cold now; anyone could see that she wasn't the >least bit aroused, at least not voluntarily. RYOKO: ANYONE? Tell that to Jeff! SHINJI: Jeff's gone, Ryoko. Jeff has been replaced by the total hentai. HARRY: I don't see any difference. SHINJI: The difference is that the total hentai is actually doing it. >Gently, gently, and yet in a >totally uncompromising and forceful fashion, he rolled over onto the grass >and on his back, then lifted the girl to a sitting position, feeling the >weight of her on his stomach. NEWJERSEY: Woohoo! Look at that blubber fly! >There was another silence.... a heavier one >than the constant aura of muteness that had pervaded the area previously. >"It's time." LINA: Sasami, convicted of first-degree multiple murder, was sentenced to death by the state of Texas. She is to be executed by Hentai. >The girl whimpered in fright, before Jeff grabbed her by both arms, and, >with a strength fueled by anxiety and unrequited (even now, in his supposed- >throes of agony, there was a simple beauty that was missing, a beauty that >could only be found in love... a love that he would never have) love. CELCIA: Enough of a parenthetical expression there? >There >was no sound as he lowered her crotch onto his. There was another whimper, >this one of pain, from the girl as he entered her. NEWJERSEY: Which would mean that he stuffed his entire bulk into Sasami's body, causing her to burst... RYOKO: I'll let that slide, furball, just because it's quick and painless. >"It hurts..." >"I know, dear... I'll be gentle." >Liar. ALL: (Sarcastically) No, really? >Once the initial dryness had passed, Jeff found his task easier. LINA: A couple of cans of WD-40 helped, too. >She was >tight, so very tight... and there was an ineffable joy as he rolled onto his >side, still pumping his hips in frenzied action, holding his body close to >hers, holding her body close to his. Thrust. Love. Thrust. Hate. Thrust. >Lust. Thrust. Desire. Thrust. Hate. Hate. Hate. CELCIA: Hurt. Agony. Pain. Love it. LINA: Someone saw "Silence of the Lambs." >Liar. LINA: No, I'm telling the truth! That's from "Silence of the Lambs!" >Moaning in agony and a small measure of enjoyment (he didn't believe this, >and wouldn't), Sasami rolled under Jeff, and was nearly smothered before he >rolled back over. HARRY: That must require incredible breath control and stamina. She's been crushed how many times? >She wasn't getting into it, at all: he had to force her, >despite his promise to be gentle, and force her to move with him, so that he >could get that sweet, lugubrious friction that pleasured him so much. Move. >Movement. Aahh-- >"Sasami, I'm so sorry..." he said, moving faster now, feeling another wave >of pleasure rolling from within his abdomen. "Good bye." NEWJERSEY: Guys, we need to come up with a plan to get out of this place, fast. SHINJI: Obviously the fic is an Angel, and this place is encased in an AT field. I can't get to my Eva from here. LINA: I'm thinking, I'm thinking... >"I--hate... you..." she managed to groan out, before screaming--yes, >absolutely *screaming* in climax, an unrighteous orgasm that shattered >everything she knew, leaving her drained, depressed, and limp. RYOKO: Tell me that at least got SOMEONE's attention at the Masaki residence. Where am I?! Where are Azaka and Kamidake?! Where's Ayeka! Come on, you royal bitch, command them to put this scoundrel to death! >Jeff, who was >near-oblivious from pleasure now, groaned himself, and bucked his hips one >last time, sending his semen flowing up her, *into* her. CELCIA: Biologically speaking, that's usually the direction of flow. >There was no chance that she would actually get pregnant, of course... and >it didn't matter. Their child was already born. LINA: Come again? NEWJERSEY: Well, if you ins... Newjersey gets blasted by Ryoko and Celcia. LINA: I meant, what the hell does that mean?! What child? >Jeff lay there, feeling the night air wash over his sweating body, freezing >him. He pulled out of her, looking at his limp penis in numb surprise. The >girl was lying there, half-conscious, mostly in shock from the pain, still >shivering from cold. He lied down on the grass, feeling the cold pangs of >creeping realization gripping his very soul. >He'd done it. >Now, he had to pay. SHINJI: And Sasami doesn't take American Express. HARRY: Visa might be everywhere I want to be, but I do NOT want to be here. >He couldn't stay with pictures.... and movies, could he? Frantic nights of >masturbation, searching over the Internet, typing in "kiddie porn" in the >search field in hopes of finding.. *it*... and nothing sated him. NEWJERSEY: How about I sate you with some red-hot lead?! Newjersey draws his pistols and fires, the shots bouncing off the AT field. CELCIA: Will you STOP that?! Those shots aren't going to hit the fic! HARRY: I really want to know how he can fire more shots than those clips can hold, and not have to reload once. >He was a >monster, growing and feeding on this, and he did nothing to stop it. Under >the guise that he could control himself and that he was fine, he continued >to stare at them in public. Sometimes they looked back, usually >suspiciously. Other times they smiled, and managed to carry on a >conversation before being dragged away by their parents. RYOKO: You know, I knew Tenchi when he was really little, but I never looked at HIM like that until he was of age! CELCIA: Yeah right, what were you doing in that cave for seven hundred years while you were looking at Tenchi? RYOKO: Are you implying something, you elven bitch? >Heh, idiots. >Little girls were beautiful. They weren't like anything else in the world. >They had a certain charm, innocence, and naivety about them that simply >wasn't there in anything else. LINA: So he goes around destroying that. What a way to emphasize all the pessimistic views of human nature. >Sure, little boys were cute... but they were >brash, crude, ugly. SHINJI, HARRY: WE RESENT THAT REMARK! LINA, CELCIA: YOU RESEMBLE THAT REMARK! NEWJERSEY: Are you done with the sexist comments? Because we really need to find out how to break that AT field. >It was a Lewis Carroll type of mindset, really, but one >that he was proud to have. RYOKO: So he was proud to have an acid-influenced mindset? >Yeah. Pause. NEWJERSEY: He ADMITTED to having an acid-influenced mindset? CELCIA: Whoa...my kiddie porn is melting again... >One he constantly made references to in real life during >conversations, in hopes that someone would notice and slap him for his >disgusting weakness. LINA: So if someone didn't stop him, he wouldn't stop himself? This really is "The Cell." >One that he was both ashamed and proud of. Such a thing >was not allowed in society... and yet, he had never cared much for society, >so why should that matter to him? HARRY: Well, it would matter when the police arrested him and took him to prison on sex offender charges... >They were beautiful: their minds... their personalities, and-- >--their bodies. NEWJERSEY: Dead or alive, you're coming with me. RYOKO: Way to leave open a double entendre. >It was the ugly, irrevocable fact. Their bodies. In the beauty of love, it >was the single marring factor that prevented him from becoming what he said >he was and instead turning into what others believed him to be. He made so >many claims to the opposite... loving them for their mind, not their body, >like they were women instead of girls (ah, but they *were* women, in his >ideals... then again, his ideals didn't mean anything at all), and such. It >all amounted to nothing. >Nothing anymore. He didn't care. RYOKO: This fic is sounding less like a Lemon and more like a Nine Inch Nails song. NEWJERSEY: But Nine Inch Nails doesn't give me the dry heaves, Ryoko. >His life was a bunch of contradictions and lies. He constantly claimed one >thing, and did the opposite. LINA: In other words, Jeff was a typical government official? >He would have to stand for it now. >He knew what he had to do... he had to say one thing, and do it all the way, >or fully sully his own words. >If he hated their minds... if he loved only their bodies... >.. then... >Jeff got up slowly, shaking the dizziness from his head. His first sexual >experience... who would have thought that it would be like this? He picked >up Sasami in his arms--not too gently, this time, because he was no longer >deluding himself under his false ideals--and began walking. >He only loved their bodies. They were a piece of flesh. CELCIA: Ladies and gentlemen, call the FBI...we have a violent multiple murderer in the making here. >He made his way over to the flowing river in a few minutes, RYOKO: WHEN did the Masaki residence have a flowing river? I know we've got a Lake around... >and looked at >the murky water, contemplating. Thinking in silence. The girl was out cold >now, having finally succumbed to the effects of hypothermia. He touched her >hand, and slowly wrapped his fingers around her little palm, feeling the >utter coldness of it. It was as if all the heat had disappeared after he had >come in her, the hot, stinking ejaculate absorbing the heat rather than >giving it. NEWJERSEY: Even thermodynamics is violated. SHINJI: This author spares nothing. >Jeff felt a sudden tightening up in his face, and he began to cry. >"Oh, SHIT!" he shrieked, looking at Sasami's face. "SHIIIT!!" LINA: Is that a request or an order? >The girl didn't respond. He never expected her to, ever again. >Kneeling down, Jeff took Sasami by the hair, and pressed her face >underwater. SHINJI: Okay, Sasami, pretend this is LCL. NEWJERSEY: We're re-enacting scenes from "The Abyss." >For the first seven seconds, nothing happened. Then, there was a >sudden, violent jerking of limbs and a desperate flail to surface. HARRY: It took her seven seconds to realize this? Wow...she was in rough shape. >He grimly >bit his lower lip and continued holding her face under, using his other hand >to restrain her from surfacing too much. The struggling continued for >another minute, as Jeff stared mutely at Sasami's bare back, watching as his >tears splashed onto her pale flesh. >Then the struggling became weaker... and finally ceased. RYOKO: (sobbing) OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED SASAMI! YOU BASTARD! NEWJERSEY: I won't even say anything, this is just too sad. >Sobbing now, Jeff pulled her up from the water. Her eyes, which were once >shining and bright with life, were now dull and clouded. Her face was tinged >a faint blue. Jeff slowly pressed his cheek against hers, feeling the icy >coldness on his own warmth, and stood up. Sasami's head promptly lolled over >to the side, and water, dark as the surrounding night, spilled out from >her mouth in an unwilling trickle. All are too stunned to speak for a minute. HARRY: Where's Tsunami? WHERE'S TSUNAMI?! Shouldn't Tsunami come in with her powers and ressurect Sasami? Come on! Fight! FIGHT! >It's over now. ALL: WE WISH! >Jeff slowly turned around, wiped his tears, and began smirking. >"Heh." LINA: So Jeff is Inu-Yasha now? CELCIA: Inu-Yasha wouldn't have done this. >He never did have emotions to start out with. NEWJERSEY: So Horniness no longer counts? HARRY: Watch out people, here comes a page break... > [-----] >"Sasami? Sasami! Wake up!" >Aeka's voice was stern, and very worried. LINA: Sasami, you stop being dead this instant, young lady! >This was the first time Sasami had >missed cooking breakfast, an event that had thrown the entire morning into >chaos. Noboyuki, expecting breakfast, had gotten up to see that he was >alone. He promptly went back to NEWJERSEY: Masturbating like a wild monkey. SHINJI: You know, this fic, and this MST, has the effect of a Franz Kafka story. >sleep. Then Ryoko had popped HARRY: And her guts splattered everywhere. A pity. RYOKO: I'd blast you where you sit, but that rape and murder scene has left me feeling too...Goth. >into the >kitchen via the adjoining wall, expecting the savory aroma of Sasami's >cooking to fill her nostrils. Nothing there. >By the time Aeka got up, everyone else was extremely worried; where was >Sasami? Ryoko immediately snarled, and lunged towards Jeff's room-- >--and there he was, sleeping like a big fat baby. CELCIA: And he needed a diaper change very badly... NEWJERSEY: CELCIA, ARE YOU NUTS?! You want to give the writer ideas for an infantilist Lemon? >"Jeff?" Ryoko muttered, looking around the room oddly. Sasami wasn't one to >play hide-and-seek when she should be cooking, but this was an odd >situation, so anything was possible. >Jeff, meanwhile, looked up from his futon. "Oh, Ryoko. What?" SHINJI: You want me to rape and murder you, too? Can you wait until tonight? I'm spent. >"You... haven't seen Sasami around, have you?" she asked slowly, eyeing him >warily. LINA: Sure, she's around...part of her is in the shrine, part of her is in the lake, part of her is in Washu's lab... >"Actually, yeah. She couldn't sleep last night, so the two of us went >swimming, and..." Jeff didn't know why he was saying this. He had a penchant >for telling the truth when he should be lying... then again, he was doing >both in this case. CELCIA: Objection, your honor, I'd like to call this perjury! >Ryoko's stunned silence quickly became narrow suspicion. "I don't believe >you," she said. "You better tell me where the hell she is right *now*, Jeff, >before I decide to get a bit... nasty." LINA: Make no mistake, I will fetch my whips and chains... RYOKO: HEY! I do not get that kind of nasty. (Pause) That's Ayeka's department. >"Sure," Jeff said amiably, and got up from his futon. Ryoko then noticed >that Jeff was completely naked, and that the triangle of his crotch was >spattered with tiny flecks of dried blood. The males of the audience are given an opportunity to wince, and then they all cheer. RYOKO: GREAT GOING SASAMI! YOU MIGHT HAVE DIED BUT YOU TOOK A VERY IMPORTANT PIECE OF HIM DOWN WITH YOU! HARRY: YOU DON'T DESERVE TO CALL YOURSELF A MAN, JEFF! AND NOW YOU'RE APPROPRIATELY A EUNUCH! >She had him in a chokehold in an >instant, her expression one of murderous intent. >"What did you *do* to her!" she bellowed, an orange blade of energy >appearing in one hand. >Jeff smiled casually and looked down at his imminent death with no fear >whatsoever. "If you kill me it'll take you longer to find her," he said. SHINJI: Just kill him! Kill him! Kill him! >Ryoko paused, then set him down, letting the energy blade remain. "Take me >there. All of us. Me, Washu, Aeka. *NOW*." NEWJERSEY: What about Tenchi? Yosho? Azaka? Kamidake? Ryo-Ohki? >He nodded, then ambled off to the kitchen where they were all gathered. >"C'mon," he said, waving. "I got something to show you." LINA: Watch. I can clean out the fridge in under a minute. >Aeka and Washu looked towards Ryoko, and the anger in her face spoke for >itself. The three began to move outside, following Jeff. He took them >straight to the river, where Sasami's stiff corpse was laying there, her >face fixed in a permanent expression of pain and misunderstanding. He smiled >at them, then fell to the ground onto his back, giggling. HARRY: So the moral is, child murder is fun?! RYOKO: I should have killed him, forget about finding Sasami. >Washu was the only one who looked complacent, although the faint tingle of >energy in the air was an ominous sign. Aeka stared at the body of her dead >sister in utter shock, unable to speak, her hands at her mouth. Ryoko, on >the other hand, didn't go for such theatrics, and instead teleported above >Jeff, her expression bordering on insane hatred now. CELCIA: No, that's worse than insane hatred. That's the "you will die now" look. RYOKO: No kidding. >"Wait a second," Washu said quickly, and before Ryoko could do anything, she >was imprisoned in a clear bubble of force next to Aeka. The scientist turned >to Jeff, her face disturbed but calm. RYOKO: MOM! LET ME OUT! JUST LET ME KILL THE BASTARD! LINA: I got it! (Starts chanting) >"Why did you do it?" she said. "That's what I want to know, and I'm going to >get that out of you before you die." HARRY: You see, I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids... >Jeff smiled, still giggling. "Why?" he said. "Well... let me tell you a >little about myself, Washu..." NEWJERSEY: NO! NO EXPLANATIONS! YOU DIE NOW! LINA: RAGNA BLADE!!! Lina forms the black energy arcs in her hand, and she now wields the potent Ragna blade. Charging from her seat, she runs right at the AT field on the screen. The phase changes are visible under the blade's assault, and then a fissure forms, growing ever-wider as the blade cleaves the seemingly indestructable field. SHINJI: I don't believe it...it's powerful enough to penetrate the AT field! CELCIA: No time for amazement...how do we destroy this thing? SHINJI: Angels always have a core. Some kind of engine. You'll need to destroy that, but be careful... NEWJERSEY: I'm on it! Snarling, Newjersey leaps through the hole in the AT field, jumps up in the LCL, and digs his claws into the screen. As gravity pulls him down, his claws put a tear in the screen, exposing the spherical S2 engine. SHINJI: That's it! Hit it hard! HARRY: AVARDA KEDAVRA! Ryoko unloads energy bursts through the fissure, and Celcia slings every spell in her arsenal to pierce the Angel's core. Harry repeatedly casts the killing curse upon the Angel's core, then... > [-----] >Comments can be sent to: leaf_chan@excite.com. And then the Angel explodes, filling the theatre with plasma. Meanwhile in central dogma... RITSUKO: Hold on...I think we've re-established contact! GENDO: Are they still alive? MAYA: Vital signs are erratic, but they're present. MISATO: That explosion came from inside the Entry Theatre. MAYA: LCL has been drained. Recovering test participants. MISATO: Open a channel. A window opens up in the holographic display. All of the MSTers look murderous, scorched, and soaked with LCL. SHINJI: FATHER! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! MISATO: Oh boy...don't tell me...he's going to quit again? SHINJI: I'M GOING TO GET EVA-01, COME UP THERE, AND KICK YOUR ASS! NEWJERSEY: Save some for me. CELCIA: I'm going to have some words with Ritsuko. LINA: Likewise. HARRY: This fic deserves a title of "he who must not be read." GENDO: SEELE won't sit quiet for this... FIN AUTHOR'S NOTES AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS Harry Potter is copyrighted by J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers. Neon Genesis Evangelion is property of Gainax and ADV. Tenchi Muyo is property of AIC and Pioneer. Those Who Hunt Elves is property of ADV. And Slayers is property of SoftX (fansubs are nice). Magical Girl Pretty Noboyuki originally concieved and written by AAA-Phucknut. Many of the riffs are inspired by or come directly from Brook "The total Anime Nut" Kuhn, in particular Shinji's "screw this, I'm outta here" and the fic being an Angel.