AnimePort#9 MST. MST#2 The MST of: Aikan Muyo. Chapter 1 - No Need For Fantasies DISCLAIMER: My following apologies to the following people and/or companies for borrowing and/or creating parodies of their characters, and stories; Rumiko Takahashi, VIZ video, AnimEigo, Pioneer LDC, AIC, U.S. MANGA corps, Kosuke Fujishima, Nintendo, Creatures Inc., GAME FREAK Inc., Best Brains Productions, My third grade math teacher, and all others who would be insulted by this MST (Original FanFic writer, optional.). ........................................................................... Somewhere in the vastness of the multiverse, there is a certain focal point of the worlds. A place where our reality and those of our favorite comic books meet, and are able to cross. At this place was constructed a huge station, technically advanced in ways that surpass even the most futuristic of realities. In this place research is conducted on the fictional stories that are created by the ever adoring fans of the comics. FAN-FICTIONS. One man from our reality, a sponsor of the station, has been given the task of leading the research on the stories, by bringing together the most unique group of people from the anime realms. The place is "AnimePort#9". These are the reviews. . . ___________________________________________________________________________ Technical note: MST'd by the following group of people and/or characters. PETER SUZUKI. PRISS ASAGIRI. RANMA SAOTOME. AYEKA JURAI. Documentation made by the following; B-KO DAITOKUJI. Begin recording of research documentation. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ The Fan Fic research group was lounging in the lounge, biding their time before their next assignment. The topic of tonight's conversation was on what they did on Christmas. "So, since she was drunk, Washu thought that Nobuyuki was actually Tenchi, and kissed him while under the mistletoe." Ayeka tried not to laugh out loud. And was failing to do so. "Well, I guess that's a bit more funny than when Sylvia and Mackie got into the eggnog, and started French kissing in front of everybody." Priss started giggling, uncharacteristically. "Still, I won't forget the look on Leon's face when I told him that they were brother and sister." Peter turned toward Ranma. "So what happened with you, during Christmas? You told us that Kasumi was holding another party, but not much else after that." Ranma looked up at the ceiling. "Same thing as last year. Fighting, gate crashing, stealing of presents, destroying the Dojo. Just your typical Christmas party. What about you, Peter?" "Cleaned out the quiet room, and ate ham sandwiches, while listening to Christmas CDs. Same old, same old." Said Peter. "I did get this new bullhorn as a present though." Peter held up a megaphone with the words 'Mr. Bullhorn' written on the side. B-ko then stuck her head in from the control booth. "The Fan Fic is almost ready. Just a couple more minutes." She then went back inside. "We've really got to bet more efficient with our MST's." remarked Peter. Things went on like this for a while, but then the signal to start sounded. "Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little-* Miscellaneous noise of record being forcibly pulled from its record player.*" "Sorry, guys." Said B-ko, over the intercom. "There's still some bugs I've got to work out. . . Guys?" "Zzzzzzzz. . . ." all four members of the MST group were fast asleep. "HEY, WAKE UP!!!" B-ko's voice boomed in from over the intercom, now turned up to full volume. "YOU'VE GOT A FAN FIC TO REVIEW!!!" "We're going! We're going!" said the four, as they rushed into the theater. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - (Once more, the MST group enters the theater. Four seats lay await for them, at the center. Ayeka takes the far left seat. Ranma takes the next one. Priss sits next to Ranma. And Peter sits in the last seat, easing out of his oversized jacket, as he sits down.) PRISS: Lets get this over with. AYEKA: My, are we not in a good mood today? PETER: Hey, quiet. The Fic is starting. RANMA(male at the moment, but with two thermoses at his sides): I hope that this isn't going to be like last time. PETER: What's with the thermoses? You bringing drinks into the theater, or something? RANMA: Nah. I'm planning on using them if I have to change gender. PETER(large sweatdrop): Uh-huh. I see, said the blind man. PRISS(to Peter): I thought the Fic was supposed to start? PETER: It is. Right now, in fact. >Aikan Muyo PETER(impressed): All right! This is supposed to be one of the better Fan Fic series. OTHERS(ominously): We shall see, Peter. We shall see. >Chapter 1 - No Need For Fantasies PETER: And it's based in the TV series, too. RANMA(sarcastic thumbs up): Killer! > >Story by Happosai RANMA: Happosai!?! What's that old leech doing writing stories, from other anime series no less!?! PETER: No, no, no. He's just some guy who writes lemons, and decided that "Happosai" would be a funny nick name, for a lemon fan fiction writer. RANMA: Oh. . . All right, then. >(happosai@jps.net) (Unbeknownst to everyone else, Ranma is quickly jotting down the address. Just in case.) >Pre-reading by Ryan Anderson >Web: http://ugrad-www.cs.colorado.edu/~andersor/fanfics/aikan/aikan.html AYEKA: You may want to write that one down too, Ranma. RANMA: Y-you knew I was writing it down?! AYEKA: Uh-huh. RANMA: How? AYEKA(angrily): Because you wrote Happosai's E-mail address, on the back of my hand!!!! > >Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo and its characters are the property of AIC and >Pioneer. If any of their lawyers are reading this, please don't sue me. PETER: Because all of us Fan Fic writers are broke, and we don't have lawyers. >Instead, pass my humble work on to the creative geniuses behind this my >favorite series, in the hope that they might actually like it. PRISS: You guys don't actually hope that they use your ideas, do you? PETER: Of course we do. That's why we write'em to begin with. We want to see our own ideas for stories up there. (eyes start to shine) It's every Fan Fic writer's dream to one day actually see his, or her story actually in the series they write about. RANMA: Earth to Peter! You've left our orbit, and accidentally left our air space! Please respond! PETER(shaking his head back to reality): Sorry, about that. > > PRISS(announcer): Round one! Touch gloves, and come out of your corners punning. ALL: Let the games begin!! > "Why should I escort you AYEKA(cute girl, voice): Because it's so dark, and scarwy out there. > To your secret needs? PRISS(sultry voice): Because I need you now, big boy! RANMA: This must be one of their days, huh. PETER: Or somebody put something in the coffee, again. Either way, at least it's funny. > Climbing up your ladder RANMA: To fix your house. > I keep falling down... PETER: But now I can send the tape to the "World's Funniest Home Video's", and win ten thousand dollars! (others stare at him) What? > > Morning daydream, midnight fever, > Morning daydream, midnight fever, RANMA: Uh-oh! Record's on the fritz, again. PRISS: No, I think that's the way the song's supposed to go. AYEKA: Or so we are hoping. > Inhibitions keep you from your point of view, > Information needing to confuse. PETER(rolling his eyes around, and around): Duhhhhh. . . . AYEKA(to Peter): Just what are you doing? PETER(still rolling his eyes): I am very confused! Duhhhhh. . . . PRISS: We know that, but what are you doing? RANMA: Good one, Priss. PETER(now crossed): Ho-ho-ho. Very funny. It was so funny I forgot to laugh. > In this situation I have found you, > In the rhythm of ALL(singing): In the rhythm of the night! > Morning daydream, midnight fever, > Morning daydream, midnight fever, ALL: You already repeated that. You already repeated that. B-KO(from the control booth): Save it for the Fic, guys! > Rhythm of love, > Rhythm of love." > -- "Rhythm of Love", Yes ALL: No. > > >"Jeez, will they ever lay off?" groaned Tenchi as he sat down on his bed AYEKA: No, because we all have very good job security. >and put on his kimono. RANMA: You mean he was naked before? AYEKA: Ooh! I hope so! (The others stare at Ayeka. Ayeka tries to look innocent.) >It seemed lately that his houseguests were giving >him no rest and even less privacy. PRISS: Didn't they always? PETER: Yup. > >Yesterday morning, for instance, Washuu had insisted on trying to extract >something called an "inverse-astral post-coital emission sample," which PETER(pulling out megaphone): This looks like a job for, "MR. BULLHORN!!!" OTHERS(confused): Huh? What? PETER(speaking through megaphone): WASHU ONLY WANTED THAT SAMPLE IN THE OAV SERIES, AND WASHU IS SPELLED WITH ONLY ONE "U"!!!!!!! OTHERS(angrily at Peter): Stop that!!! >somehow entailed exactly the same thing as the last dozen or so "samples" RANMA: Are there really more then a dozen samples to collect, from the human body? AYEKA: Trust me. If anyone could find more than a dozen samples from the human body, Washu can. >Washuu had tried to get from him. He'd escaped again, but barely. He knew >he'd have to take some very careful precautions, this morning, if he luck PRISS: "he luck"? Shouldn't that be "His" luck? RANMA: That's right, Happosai! We're going to point out EVERY mistake in this Fic!! PETER(to Ranma): I already told you, it's not THAT Happosai! RANMA: I Don't care! >was to hold out. > >He was rather curious about the costumes, though. After apparently >becoming bored with the nurse's outfit, Washuu had tried a string of >others: schoolteacher, O.L., and a few Tenchi preferred not to remember. AYEKA(Fashion designer): Like these lovely ideas!!! RANMA: Washu of the lost world. PRISS: Boomer Washu. PETER: Sailor Washu. AYEKA: Chibi Washu. (others stare at her) Oops! Sorry. I forgot that would be redundant. RANMA: Washu, the Blue Thunder Of Furinkan High! AYEKA: Washu, as the QUEEN of thieves. PRISS: Washu the dragon slayer. PETER: Washu, Lord Of The Dance! (others stare at him) Uh. . .LADY Of The Dance? OTHERS(flatly): No. PETER: Damn! Well, just killed the bit. Hope nobody minded. >It would be interesting to see what she'd come up with this morning, but PRISS(Washu): But I have nothing to wear!!! Wait! That's it!! (Ayeka says nothing, but glares at Priss from the corner of her eye.) PETER(Salesman): That's "Nothing"! The new, guaranteed effective, perfume for women. Remember girls, to really turn heads, wear "Nothing". AYEKA: Priss, hit him for me. PRISS(to Ayeka): Right. (Priss pulls out a mallet, labeled "Nightsabers", and clobbers Peter.) *WHAM!!* PETER(dizzy): Pretty birds, pretty birds. >he wasn't sure if finding out was worth the risk. RANMA: It's not. PETER(getting up): Ow. My head. AYEKA: Oh, glad to see you have rejoined us so quickly. Maybe now you will learn to hold that tongue of yours. PETER(still dizzy): Where am I? Who am I? Oh, that's right. I'm Peter Suzuki. AW, DAMN!! > >Ryoko was, in her own way, even worse. AYEKA: Amen to that. >At least he only really needed to >worry about Washuu when he visited her lab. Ryoko could turn up >*anywhere*. PRISS: Like in your soup bowl! RANMA: In the laundry basket! PETER(Demonic Voice): Under your bed! BWA-HA-HA-HA!!! AYEKA: She CAN do all of those. And more. OTHERS: Oh. . . . >Especially when he was bathing, or using the toilet, PRISS(Muffled Ryoko): Hey! Who turned out the lights!? >or >undressing... Tenchi quickly glanced around the room and sighed with >relief on not seeing Ryoko's head poking out of the ceiling, the floor, >or one of the walls. RANMA: And it's the fun new weekly game of, "Where's Ryoko?". PETER: Actually, there is a Fan Fic named that. And it's also a lemon Fic. OTHERS(shocked): You're kidding!!! PETER: No, I'm not. But it's already been MST'd, so we can't do it ourselves. OTHERS: . . . . .(Now singing.) Happy, happy, joy, joy! Happy, happy, joy, joy! PETER: Yeah, I knew that would cheer you up. >Earlier that morning she'd popped up ("Ohayo, >Tenchi!") AYEKA(to Peter): Why is she saying "Ohayo"? Is that not a state, in your country? PETER: No. You're thinking of 'Ohio'. And "Ohayo" is Japanese for "Hello". PRISS: Wow, Peter. You're smarter than you look. PETER: Thanks. . .I think. >while he'd been urinating, resulting in him having to clean >both his pants and the bathroom floor. PETER: Self control, he has a lot of. 'Bladder' control however. . . > >And whenever Ryoko appeared, Aeka was sure to turn up momentarily, AYEKA: Miss Ryoko! Just what do you think you are-oh, sorry. You did nothing yet. Okay, I'll go out and give you another minute. (The others stare at Ayeka, nervously.) >with >the usual apocalyptic results. At least she didn't sneak up on him and >grab him. AYEKA: Not that I would not like to, mind you. > She was much too shy and demure, too well-mannered and proper, >to do that. AYEKA: Oh, yeah. That too. (The others get large sweatdrops on the back of their heads.) > Well-mannered and proper, at least, until Ryoko made her >angry. Then her tongue turned acid, and the gentle princess' violence >matched that of the space pirate she hated so much. PRISS: And then it's just a regular old, demolition derby! PETER(Annoying announcer): Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! And Saturday. Watch Ayeka and Ryoko go head to head in a bone crushing, head banging, gut spewing- AYEKA(through clenched teeth): All right, that is ENOUGH!!! Let us get back to the Fic, OKAY!!! > >Tenchi sighed, wondering why his life had to be so difficult. He walked >out of his bedroom, and closed the door behind him. > >"Miya!" greeted Ryo-oh-ki, who'd been patiently waiting outside. RANMA(Tenchi): What's that, Ryo-oh-ki? Sasami fell down a well? > >He bent down and petted the cabbit. "Ohayo, Ryo-oh-ki!" PETER(Ryo-oh-ki): Wyoming to you, Tenchi! > >"Miya!" she answered. AYEKA: That was not a question, silly. >Then she quickly hopped away at top speed, (Priss makes a tire screeching noise, as Ryo-oh-ki hops.) OTHERS(singing): Go, Speed Cabbit! Go, Speed Cabbit! Go, Speed Cabbit, goooo! >without >bothering to beg him for a carrot. PETER: Oh my god! She's out of character!!! She's out of character!!! >Tenchi shrugged, then yawned and >stretched, looking forward to a nice soak in the tub to start his day. PRISS: With no collective memory whatsoever, of the many times Ryoko has sneaked into the bath, as well. AYEKA: Oh, when will he ever learn? > >Ryo-oh-ki scrambled frantically down the stairs and made her way towards >the women's bath. (The group makes collective tire screech noises, as Ryo-oh-ki speeds in the Fic.) > She leaped, smacked into the door, (Priss makes a car crashing noise. The others giggle at that.) > and leaped again, >phasing through it on the second try. > >"Miya!!" announced the cabbit. RANMA("Miya!!"): And now, live in the Masaki house, everybody's favorite cabbit, RYO-OH-KI!!! B-KO(from the control booth): That was uncalled for!! PRISS: What was that about? PETER: No idea. > >Aeka nodded. "They're by the towels." PETER(to Ayeka): Why are you keeping carrots by the towels? AYEKA: How should I know? That is not exactly ME up there. PRISS: How do you know that it's carrots, anyway? PETER & AYEKA: What else could it be, but carrots? > >Ryo-oh-ki bounded over to a pile of a dozen carrots PETER(to Priss): See. PRISS: Yeah, yeah. Sorry I doubted you. Yadda, yadda. > and began eagerly >devouring them, while Aeka got up and moved towards the door. She opened >it carefully, and looked around. Then she slowly shut it. RANMA: Rather thin plot. OTHERS: Yup. > >But not quite all the way. RANMA: So, you're not going to go "All The Way", Ayeka? AYEKA: Ranma. RANMA: Yes? AYEKA: I have my whip in my sleeve, right this minute. RANMA: . . . I'll shut up now. AYEKA: Good. > >Tenchi walked downstairs groggily, still in the process of waking up. PRISS: Doesn't that mean he's sleepwalking? > >"Ohayo, Tenchi!" greeted Sasami. PETER(Tenchi): Why is everybody talking about Ohio, today? > >"Ohayo, Sasami-chan," replied Tenchi, RANMA(Tenchi): Maybe if I just play along, and act like they are, nobody will notice. > yawning again. He sniffed the air. PRISS(Tenchi): All right! Who let one go!?! >"That smells good. (Everyone in the theater busts out laughing.) PETER(trying not to laugh too hard to speak): G-good timing, Priss. HA-HA-HA!!! PRISS(snickering uncontrollably): Thanks. AYEKA(giggling): T-t-that was s- heh-heh, so childish! RANMA(rolling over in his seat): Then why are we still laughing!? HA-HA-HA-HA!!! PETER: Oh my god! They're farting laughing gas!! (Renewed laughter echoes in the theater. They don't notice the Fan Fic characters staring, nervously at them, before going back to the story.) >What's for breakfast?" > >"Nothing special, mostly," said the princess. Then she smiled. "But I >made the soup with Kyoto miso this morning, just for you!" AYEKA(Sasami): Made from real Kyoto! > >"Thanks, Sasami-chan!" RANMA: Is that anything like P-Chan? PETER: No. Chan is a suffix used for cute children and- WHAT AM I DOING?!? YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT!!!!!!! RANMA: I know. I just like watching you freak out like that. > >Now mostly awake, Tenchi headed towards the men's bath. When he got >there, he rubbed his eyes and opened the door, not noticing that it was >already ajar. AYEKA: I thought it was a door, not a jar. *BA-DOOM, CRISH!!* What in Jurai was that!?! PETER: It's called a "Rimshot". You accidentally made a pun. AYEKA: D'oh! Sorry about that. PRISS: It's okay. It comes with the territory. > >His eyes widened, and he froze. RANMA: Must be cold in there. > >The door had opened into the *women's* bath. AYEKA: Oh, yeah. I remember Peter talking about this. When I told Washu, well the one in my world, she said that she was amazed she did not think of it sooner. RANMA: Huh? PETER: Washu had it set up so that if the door was opened by a guy, it opened up to this small, closet sized bath. And if it was opened by a girl, it opened up to this resort area. RANMA: Oh. . . Does that mean that Tenchi got into some of the 'Spring of Drowned Girl', or something? PRISS: Ranma, try to warm up some more brain cells before you try to think about these things. AYEKA: Besides, it would be more likely that Washu would have made some sort of 'Gender Reversal' ray to change him into a girl. PETER: Hey! That's a good idea for a Fan Fic! Let me write that down, so I can get to work on it. AYEKA: I wish to apologize in advance, for being responsible for that. >Hadn't Washuu said that it >wasn't supposed to do that, when a man opened the door? PETER(writing down on a notepad): Actually, Tenchi's dad found that out, when he tried to go into the women's bath. >For a moment he >considered checking to be sure he possessed all the requisite equipment. (Ranma splashes himself with cold water, turning into a 'herself'.) RANMA(female Tenchi): EEK!!! It wasn't a dream!!! >But something else he saw grabbed his complete attention. AYEKA: More than missing your genitalia? Then it MUST be very eye-catching. > >Aeka stood at the edge of the bath, her back to him, timidly dipping her >foot into the water to test the temperature. AYEKA: I was right! PETER: You set up that joke, didn't you. AYEKA: And your point is? > >Tenchi watched, knowing he shouldn't, but unable to stop himself. (Ayeka starts doing a victory dance. Everybody else gets a large sweatdrop on the back of their heads.) > >Her face hidden from his view, Aeka smiled. She started to patiently undo >her obi. > >Sweat beaded on Tenchi's brow. (Peter takes out a wash rag, and tries to wipe off Tenchi's brow, on the screen.) RANMA: Hey! Down in front! > >Aeka AYEKA: Excuse me, Peter. PETER: Why? Did you fart? AYEKA(ignoring what Peter just said): Why is my name spelled a-E-k-a, instead of a-Y-e-k-a? PETER: Pioneer LDC had a big debate about that. According to their research, both spellings are correct. The spelling of your name right now was just more commonly used in the OAV series, that's all. This isn't too complicated for you, is it Ayeka? AYEKA(smoke and sparks coming out of ears): Not at all. >hesitated for just a moment. She'd heard the door open, and it >hadn't shut yet. Any of the other girls would have come in by now. That >left only three possibilities. She hoped it wasn't Katsuhito. AYEKA: Well, at least I know that he is smart enough not to try anything. >And she >really, really, *really* hoped it wasn't Nobuyuki. ALL: Amen to that! >She reached up to the >neckline of her kimono, deciding to risk it. > >Perspiration covered Tenchi's forehead and cheeks, PRISS: Quick! Somebody get a squeegee! PETER(holding a squeegee): Here! (The others get large sweatdrops on their heads.) PRISS: Uh, Peter. . . PETER: Yes? PRISS: . . . Never mind. >and flowed down his >neck in miniature rivers. RANMA: Now he's REALLY going to need that bath. AYEKA: I certainly hope so! (The others stare at Ayeka, nervously.) > >The kimono started to come off, exposing Aeka's bare shoulders very >slowly. PETER: So slowly in fact, that Tenchi grew a mustache by the time it ended. AYEKA: Peter. PETER: Yes? OTHERS: Shut up. PETER: Okay. > >Tenchi gulped and stood there, trembling. AYEKA: Go in, Tenchi! Go in!! > >Aeka pulled an arm out of the kimono and began sliding out of it, >providing him with a glimpse of her graceful form. > >Blood trickled from Tenchi's nose, RANMA: You would think that after all of the times that he's seen Ryoko, and all the other girls before, he would have gotten some sort of resistance to that, by now. >and he shut the door as swiftly and as >quietly as he could. (Ayeka grabs the megaphone from Peter, and starts yelling at the Tenchi in the Fan Fic. Peter's neck is still stuck in the strap, and he is being choked.) AYEKA(through megaphone): DAMN YOUR HIDE!!! DEVELOP SOME BACKBONE, ALREADY!!!!!!! PETER(being choked): *GACK!* Ayeka!! *KOFF!* I c-can't breathe!! > >But not quietly enough. Hearing the door close again, Aeka sighed. Then >she frowned and stamped her foot. "Kuso!" RANMA: Hey, Peter? PETER(rubbing neck): Gack? RANMA: Would "Kuso" be Japanese for "Damn"? PETER(nodding head): Ack,-gack. >she swore, frustrated. Shedding >her kimono completely, she slid into the water, her expression annoyed >and disappointed. AYEKA: You better believe it! > >It took a few minutes for Tenchi to muster the courage to open the door >again. This time, it opened into the men's bath. RANMA(still female): Thank goodness for small favors. >Greatly relieved, AYEKA(angrily): At what!?!?! PETER: He thought he was violating your privacy. RANMA: Yeah. Most girls hit guys for even thinking of doing that, Ayeka. (Cringes slightly.) Believe me, I know! AYEKA: But I am not 'most girls'. PRISS: Close enough for him, though. >he let >out his breath and went inside. He closed the door and filled the tub, >then got in. > >As Tenchi sat in the hot water, he cursed at himself. What had he been >*thinking*, standing there watching Aeka? That was the kind of behavior >he expected from his *dad*, not himself! PETER(to Ayeka): See. Told ya! AYEKA: But. . . But I am more flexible than that! I would understand why Tenchi would want to peep on me! RANMA: But HE wouldn't understand why. (Bonked over the head, by Ayeka.) *THUD!* OW! What'ya do that for!?! > He was very glad the princess >apparently hadn't noticed him. If she had, she probably wouldn't have >spoken to him for at least a week, maybe even a month. PETER: Oh, yes she would! She would say things to you immediately, in fact. PRISS: Yeah. Things like, "How long are you going to stand there?" RANMA(Ayeka as Dr. Tofu): "Lord Tenchi, what a pleasant surprise to meet you here, of all places." AYEKA(seductive voice): "Did you like what you saw?" (The others stare at her.) What? You know that is what I would say. PETER(thinks about it): . . . Yeah, I guess she's right about that. PRISS & RANMA: Yeah, I guess you're right, sure, whatever. > And if someone >else had come across him, it would have looked like the whole thing had >been deliberately planned. ALL: It was. > He could never have lived it down. > >Once he was finished, he went upstairs, got dressed, and came back down. >He headed into the kitchen, and saw that Sasami was just about done. She >turned and smiled at him. PRISS(Sasami as Little Red Riding Hood): Why Tenchi! What a big 'thing' you have! (Priss is malleted by Ayeka, Ranma, and Peter.) *WHAM!!!* *WHAM!!!* WHAM!!!* AYEKA: That was sick! RANMA: That was perverted! PETER: You stole my line! > >"Oh, Tenchi, could you go tell Washuu that breakfast is ready?" she >asked. RANMA: Does she WANT him to be raped? > >Tenchi sweated, then steeled himself. "OK, Sasami, I'll get her." PETER: He is either REALLY stupid, or he has a death wish of some kind. AYEKA: Considering what happened in the bath scene, I would say the former. (Priss finally regains consciousness.) PRISS(dazed): Ugh. . . what hit me? RANMA: Looks like she's up, again. PRISS: Where am I? Who am I? Oh, that's right. I'm Priscilla Asagiri. Well, at least I'm not Peter Suzuki, or something like that! HA-HA-HA-HA-(Priss is clobbered by a mallet labeled "This will hurt you more then it does me.", from off to her right.) *WHAM!!!* >He >walked over towards the stairs, and slowly opened the door to Washuu's >lab. PETER: Abandon hope, all ye who enter here. RANMA: Isn't that the sign over the door to this theater? PETER: Yes. What's your point? >Before he went inside, he took off his slippers and placed them in >the door jamb so it wouldn't close all the way. PETER: I thought Japanese go barefoot while in the house? AYEKA & RANMA: They do. PRISS: But it kinda died out in the future. AYEKA: When did you wake up? PRISS: A minute ago. > >The lab's usual occupant was nowhere to be seen. ALL: Uh-oh!! PETER: This is just like all of those scenes in the horror movies. AYEKA: But it is Washu in there, instead of some brutal killer. PRISS & RANMA: Which is worse, of course. AYEKA: Of course. > >"Uh, Washuu-chan, AYEKA: Let me guess. The equivalent of "Little-Washu", right? PETER: Yup. >time for breakfast!" Tenchi announced nervously, PRISS(Tenchi): But I'm not on the menu! >walking towards the console where she sat most often. > >With no warning at all, a plush chair slid underneath him from behind, >knocking him off his feet. A seatbelt fastened around his waist by >itself. He grimaced and tugged at it desperately, but he couldn't open >it. RANMA: Talk about your 'Captive audiences'. > >Washuu stepped out of the shadows of her lab, wearing a tight, skimpy >stewardess uniform PETER: Which, considering Washu's size, would be size "Lilliputian". >and an immense grin. PRISS: And NOTHING else. AYEKA: Where is my mallet? PRISS(panicky): I'll be good! I'll be good! > >"Welcome aboard Air Washuu, the most scientifically-advanced airline in >the *universe*!" RANMA(Washu): For your in flight meal, we will be serving a complementary 'nut'. AYEKA(ditto): Who is at the moment giving the demonstration. > >"Hey! Let me out of this thing, Washuu!" he protested. > >Washuu shook her head. PETER: Listen! You can hear the pea rattling inside. AYEKA(chuckling): Good one. >A long metal appendage snaked out of nowhere and >firmly pressed a foam pad over Tenchi's mouth. "All passengers, please >remain quiet during the routine safety inspection." ALL(shouting): NO!!! BLAH!!! BLAH!!! BLAH!!! YAKADY, SMAKADY!!! WALLA-WALLA WASHINGTON!!! NEWPORT NEWS!!! GALLYRIKOPLITCH!!! > >Probes and scanners hovered around him, poking and prodding him while >emitting beeps and hums and glowing in various colors. PRISS(Stoned Junkie): The colors, man! The colors! > >Washuu stood at her console, examining the displays. "Hmmm... astral >pattern, genetic pattern, alpha and beta wave profiles, parallel >dimensional pattern, hentai pattern..." PETER(AOL voice): You've got mail! AYEKA(Washu): I don't want MAIL, I want HENTAI!!! > >She frowned and kicked the console. PETER(Washu's console): Ow! What did I ever do to you!?! > >"Hentai pattern..." PRISS(Telephone operator): The pattern you have called up, "Hentai", is not available at this time. Your call is very important to us, so please hold. > >The graph on the screen remained completely flat. RANMA: Maybe she needs to use a bicycle pump. > >"Hentai pattern...!" PETER: Get it thought your head! He has none!!! AYEKA(smugly): And she calls herself "The Greatest Scientific Genus In The Universe." HA! > >Still no blips. PRISS(Washu): I don't want 'blips'! I want HENTAI PATTERN!!! > >Washuu shook her head and saved the scans. PETER(Washu): Damn "Window's 98". Stuff doesn't work. >Then she stood in front of >Tenchi again. "Now, please pay close attention to the stewardess. Her >information will assure you a safe and pleasurable trip with Air Washuu!" RANMA: Is that anything like "Air Jordan"? > >She waved a plastic-covered sheet of safety instructions, AYEKA: I guess the cabbit is STILL not housebroken. PRISS: Or Mihoshi. RANMA: Hey! I happen to LIKE Mihoshi! PRISS & AYEKA: You would. PETER: Besides, Mihoshi has to be housebroken. She breaks the house every time she lands. > and Tenchi >swallowed nervously. RANMA: Who's "nervously"? PRISS: And why is "nervously" being swallowed by Tenchi? I didn't think the lemon scene started yet. PETER: Do you two want to be malleted? RANMA & PRISS: Uh. . .no. AYEKA & PETER(angrily): THEN SHUT UP!!! > >"In the event of an emergency, or whenever you feel like it, grab onto >your stewardess. She can be used as a floatation device. And for lots of >*other* things, too!" RANMA: Like a door stop. PRISS: A football. PETER: A 'Pez' dispenser. AYEKA: A shooting gallery target. > >Tenchi's eyes bulged in fear. AYEKA: While the rest of his body, unfortunately remained in Washu's lab. >The sweat covering his skin made him wish >he had time to take another bath. PRISS: If he sweats anymore, he WILL be taking another bath. > >Washuu held up a respirator dangling from a hose, and placed it against >her face. RANMA(Muffled Washu): Humph, hummph, humph, mmrph, mhph! PETER: Oh my god! She's becoming 'Kenny' from "South Park"!!! AYEKA: Good! I hope she dies before the end of this story. > >"Should you experience heavy breathing, an oxygen mask will drop from the >compartment above you. Place it over your face and keep doing whatever >you were doing." PRISS(Tenchi): Good. I'll be running like a bat out of Hell, very shortly. RANMA: She looks like an elephant. AYEKA: Actually, she reminds me of that woolly mammoth like thing, from that children's show. PETER: Oh, you mean the "Snuffillupogus", from "Sesame Street". AYEKA: Yeah, that is the one. > >Tenchi made loud "mmfff!!" AYEKA: Oh my god! Tenchi's becoming 'Kenny'!! RANMA: Oh, the humanity!!! > noises as Washuu picked up a handful of glossy >brochures. PETER: They don't really do that on airlines, you know. > >"If you'd like to sign up for our Mile High Club Frequent Flier Program, >your stewardess will be happy to give you the details, and anything >*else* you want. You can begin enjoying the membership benefits >immediately!" > >Washuu stood directly in front of Tenchi, who squirmed and struggled >frantically, putting all his strength into a hopeless escape attempt. > >"You'll be blasting off shortly, and rising to an altitude of about..." >she looked down between his legs "... sixteen centimeters. (Ayeka grabs the megaphone again. Peter manages to get out of the strap before it wound around his neck, this time.) AYEKA(through megaphone): TENCHI IS LARGER THAN THAT, YOU AIRHEAD!!!!!!! >If you'd like >to have some refreshments, tell the stewardess. And if you'd like to have >the stewardess, don't hesitate to ask." PETER: Don't worry. He won't be asking. > >The muffling restraint over Tenchi's mouth was removed. Washuu took out a >notepad and pen, her broad smile flashing. ALL: AH! I'M BLIND!!! > >"Coffee?" she asked. > >"No," answered Tenchi. > >"Tea?" > >"No." PRISS(Washu as Dot): Monster? PETER(Tenchi): No. > >"Me?" > >"No." AYEKA: Darn straight. > >"New regulations require a sperm sample from all passengers prior to >departure." (Ayeka starts doing that 'Aura-of-anger' bit, again. The others get large sweatdrops on the back of their heads.) PETER: Uh-oh. PRISS: Oh damn. RANMA(Kasumi): Oh my. (Priss and Peter turn nervously toward Ranma. Ranma does not notice.) >She grinned a very evil-looking grin. PETER: You mean, more than usual? >"Your stewardess will >be happy to extract the sample by whatever method you prefer." AYEKA: You will pay for that one, Washu. > >"No!" argued Tenchi. > >"Would you like me to take the sample manually?" she asked. PETER: This looks like a job for, (Pulls out megaphone.) "MR. BULLHORN!!!" PRISS & RANMA: Oh no! Not again!! PETER(through megaphone): THIS IS A BLATANT RIP-OFF OF THE OAV SERIES!!!!!!! STICK WITH ONE SERIES OR THE OTHER, GOT IT!?!?!?!?!?!?! AYEKA: And make sure it stays that way, too!!!!!!! > >"No!!" he answered loudly, suddenly feeling a lot of sympathy for the >frog he'd dissected in biology class the previous week. RANMA(frog): Ribbit, ribbit. No, I don't want to give you a sperm sample. Ribbit, ribb-(Malleted by Ayeka, using a mallet labeled "Pirate Masher".) *THUNK!!!* -it. . . PETER: Well, may as well. (Frog impersonation.) Bud. . . PRISS(frog): Wize. . . RANMA(flattened): Er. . . > His mind filled >with a vision of his penis floating in a jar of formaldehyde. (Priss pulls a wastebasket out of nowhere, and throws up into it. Peter screams, and hides behind his chair. Ranma, aside still being female, jumps to the back of the theater, and starts screaming uncontrollably. Ayeka adverts her eyes from the screen. Apparently this has a similar effect as showing a cross to a bunch of vampires.) ALL(sickly, but Ranma still screaming): MAKE IT STOP!!! MAKE IT STOP!!! B-KO(from the control booth): Hang in there guys!! We're almost through this!! PETER(angrily): Easy for YOU to say, B-ko!!! You didn't have to see. . .(Notices that B-ko is a very sickly shade of green, at the moment.) Oh, sorry. You DID see it. B-KO(covering mouth): *URP!* Uh-huh. > >Washuu smiled. "Then you want me to do it orally?" > >"No!!!" yelled Tenchi, swearing he'd never again enter Washuu's lab, no >matter what the reason. PRISS(recovering): You probably say that EVERY time you enter Washu's lab. > >"Alright, then!" shouted Washuu, starting to hike up her skirt. "The >first-class section mile-high club special -- full intercourse!" AYEKA: Oh, will not ANYBODY come to the rescue of Tenchi!?!? > >"Tenchi!" called Sasami from the door. ("Indiana Jones" theme music starts playing.) *DAH, DAH-DAH!! DAN, DA-DA, DA, DA, DA-DAN!!!* PETER: Nice effect. > "Washuu! Aren't you going to come >eat? Breakfast is getting cold!" > >Washuu blinked. "How was she able to open that?" she muttered to herself. PETER: The same way Mihoshi does. You keep forgetting to lock the door. PRISS: What about Tenchi's slipper in the way? PETER(slapping his forehead): Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. > >"Are these your slippers, Tenchi?" asked Sasami, holding them up. PRISS: See, Peter? PETER: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see. > >"Yes, thank you!" he replied, sighing with relief. "Can you bring them >here, please?" > >"Sure, Tenchi!" she answered cheerfully, walking over to him. RANMA(Tenchi): Now go out and get the paper, Sasami. > >Washuu smirked and went over to her console. She typed for a second or >so, and the seatbelt around Tenchi's waist unfastened. The chair slid out >from underneath him and dumped him unceremoniously onto the floor. PRISS: Is there any way to get 'ceremoniously' dumped onto the floor? AYEKA: On Jurai there is. > >He got up and beat a very hasty retreat PETER: I'd say it, but it's too sick. >out of the lab. >Washuu sat down, >typing furiously. > >"Won't you come eat breakfast with us, Washuu?" asked Sasami. > >The scientist shook her head. "Sorry, but I've got a very important >experiment I need to have ready by tomorrow morning," she replied. "Can >you bring my breakfast down here?" > >"Sure!" answered the princess, watching the displays. Diagrams of various >strangely-shaped objects flashed in rapid succession. "Hey, I know what >that is! I watch it all the time on TV!" AYEKA: Proving once again that sex on television is running rampant. > >"You *do*?" asked Washuu, grinning fiendishly as she worked. PRISS: Yeah, she does. What of it? > >"Uh-huh. It's really cool! ALL: . . . . >Can I watch your experiment while I eat >breakfast?" AYEKA: No, Sasami! You do not know where she has been! PETER: But we know where she want to go, so stay away! > >"If you want," Washuu replied, as she entered the simplest of the >necessary equations. It had only 2,037 different variables, PRISS(sarcastically): Oh yeah. Simple. >so she really >didn't need a computer to solve it, but she wanted to be thorough this >time. > >"Thanks! I'll be right back!" promised Sasami, skipping towards the door >and humming a tune. When she reached the threshold, she finished her song >and struck a strange pose. RANMA(Sasami): Uh-oh! Underwear riding up again! >Then she continued out. As she went into the >kitchen, Tenchi and Nobuyuki were standing in the living room, arguing. RANMA(Tenchi): Less filling! PRISS(Nobuyuki): Tastes great! RANMA(Tenchi): Less filling! PRISS(Nobuyuki): Tastes great! AYEKA & PETER: Would you two cut it out, already!!! > >"I *mean* it, dad!" said Tenchi angrily. > >"But, Tenchi, she's our guest! You can't be rude to her like that!" >protested Nobuyuki. PETER(Nobuyuki): No matter how many times she's tried to rape you! > >"Dad, she tries this every morning. It's scaring the hell out of me!" RANMA(Garth from "Wayne's World"): Woah! Tenchi's scared about being raped every morning? No way! OTHERS(Wayne): Way! > >Nobuyuki shook his head sadly. "Your mother would be really ashamed of >you, Tenchi, to see how you're so shy around women." AYEKA: No, this has escalated WAY beyond shyness. RANMA: Even my mom wouldn't say that Tenchi was being unmanly. > >"That's not the point! Just because she's a girl doesn't mean I have to >let her make me into a lab rat!" > >"I think you're overreacting." PETER: Of course this is coming from a guy who thinks it's just great, to have dozens of space aliens barge into his house, either demanding Tenchi's head, or his hand in marriage. > >"Oh, really? Alright, from now on, *you* go tell her when breakfast is >ready." > >Nobuyuki smiled. "OK, I will. PRISS(Nobuyuki): And maybe she'll try to extract a sperm sample from me. AYEKA: That is one of the reasons he hangs around her lab. PETER: I thought it was because his study was down the same hall Washu's lab door was? AYEKA: Here is a clue for you. The study used to be UP stairs. > *I'm* not afraid of the ladies, like my >poor son is. Maybe you'll learn a valuable lesson from this." RANMA: And P-Chan will fly. > >"Yeah, right," muttered Tenchi, as his dad went out the front door. As he >went into the kitchen, Sasami passed him, carrying a tray, and headed >towards the lab. His mind wandering a bit, PRISS: Look, there it goes. >Tenchi sat down at the table. > >"Ohayo, Tenchi!" greeted two voices. He looked around, and stifled a >groan. PETER: Five dollars says that it's Ayeka and Ryoko, trying to get to the table next to Tenchi, first. RANMA & PRISS: No Peter. We're not that stupid. AYEKA: I know he's right, because one of those voices was mine. > >It was just him, Ryoko, and Aeka. PETER: Bingo. PRISS: Blackjack. RANMA: Checkmate. AYEKA: Yatzi. (Peter glares at the others, out of the corner of his eyes.) >And that meant that breakfast was >almost certainly going to involve an argument, perhaps even turn into a >violent confrontation. > >"Ohayo," he replied nervously. PRISS: And now the three ring circus begins. > >Tenchi sipping his miso soup in silence, still tense from his brief trip >with Air Washuu. PETER: Thankfully delayed by a Sasami moving in from off of the coast. >And, well aware of who was at the table with him, he >made sure to be constantly ready to dodge, duck, or run. AYEKA: Is he really this scared of me and Ryoko? PETER: Well, he's usually not this well prepared for the fights. But yes, he's usually this jumpy. AYEKA(near tears): Ohh nooo!!! >If Sasami hadn't >reminded him earlier, he wouldn't have noticed that she'd used his >favorite kind of miso -- Kyoto, the white, sweet kind. PRISS: Uh-oh. . . RANMA: We know. . . PETER: Feeling of dread. . . AYEKA(trying not to cry): T-Tenchi is r-really afraid? >Across from him, >Aeka and Ryoko sat, picking at their food and watching him. AYEKA: *sniff* *snivel* H-he is r-really. . . OTHERS: Get over it, already. > >After a while, Ryoko stared at him. She pursed her lips for a moment, >kissing the air. (Ayeka glares daggers at Ryoko.) >Then she picked up her chopsticks and licked them before >laying them back down across her rice bowl. PETER(leaning forward toward the screen): Oooooh! (Ranma splashed hot water on herself, turning back to male.) RANMA: Now this looks good. (Ayeka hits Ranma on the back of his head. Priss hits Peter on the back of his head.) *BONK!* *BONK!* PETER & RANMA: OW! What did'ya do that for!?! AYEKA & PRISS(angrily): Why do you think!?!?! > >Tenchi winced at the angry look Aeka gave Ryoko. Ignoring them, he >finished his soup. > >Ryoko grasped one of her chopsticks and licked it again. (Ayeka and Priss glare at the two MALE members of the MST group.) RANMA(covering eyes): Okay, okay. We'll cover them. PETER(peeking through his fingers): Yeah. We're covering them. > She let out a >long, seductive "Mmmmm....." as she slid it partway into her mouth. She >began sucking on it noisily, her lips slowly moving up and down its >length. (Ranma peeks through his fingers, and blushes. Peter is drooling.) >During all of this, her eyes never left Tenchi, promising, >pleading, and he couldn't tear his gaze away. PRISS(bored): She's not that great. > >Aeka ground her teeth and glared at her. Ryoko's lips curved into a >smile, the chopstick still held firmly between them, as she began to moan >around the shaft of slick, lacquered wood. AYEKA(disgusted): Ugh! This is blatant, even for Ryoko. PETER: You're jealous that you didn't think of it sooner, aren't ya. AYEKA(angrily, and blushing): SHUT UP!!! > >Tenchi blushed and sweated, still unable to avert his eyes. RANMA(still peeking through his fingers): But you could cover them, ya know. > >Furious, Aeka smashed her fist down on the table, making all of the >dishes bounce and spilling drops of soup and grains of rice from the >bowls. PETER: She just had to ruin it, didn't she. (Ayeka's shield units surround him.) *ZAAAKAAAKAAAK!!!!!!!* (Being shocked.) OW!-OW!-OW!-OW!-OW!-OW! > >Ryoko stifled a laugh, almost as pleased with Aeka's reaction as she was >with Tenchi's. She looked down at the soup that had splashed out of her >bowl, and another idea occurred to her. Tenchi sighed with relief as she >put the chopstick down on her rice bowl again. She looked over at Aeka, >grinned for moment, and picked up her soup bowl. > >Ryoko brought it up to her mouth, and took a small sip. She lowered the >bowl, and she and Tenchi watched each other as she let a few white pearls >of soup trickle out of the corner of her mouth. She allowed them to >dribble almost down to her chin before her pink tongue snaked out and >caught them. She ran her tongue around her lips, and let out another >sultry "Mmmmm..." > >Next to her, Aeka clenched her fists. AYEKA(angrily): I still can not do that, without it spilling all over my clothes! (The others stare at her, shocked at what she just said. . .Well, Peter was still IN shock, but that is beside the point.) Uh-oh! I think I just said that out loud. PETER(hands still on face, and smoke coming off of his back): Can we stop with the covering of our eyes yet? PRISS & AYEKA: NO! PETER: Damn. > >Tenchi just sat there, catatonic, wishing Sasami had used Tohoku or >Hatchou ALL: Gesundheit! >or *any* other kind of miso, except Kyoto. > >Smiling, Ryoko brought the bowl up again, and lapped at it like a kitten >drinking cream, her eyes still watching Tenchi, still promising, still >pleading. > >Aeka growled under her breath. > >Ryoko slurped at the soup until most of it was gone. Then she tilted back >the bowl, drained it, and set it down. For a few moments she eyed Tenchi >in total silence. Then she swallowed her mouthful of soup in a >deliberately-loud gulp. She licked the remaining traces of white liquid >from her lips, sighing happily as she watched a thin stream of blood >trickle out of Tenchi's nose. PETER: Wow. Dinner theater is fun again! (Priss backhands Peter.) *WHAM!* *THUD!* PRISS(to Peter, who is laying on the floor): That's for peeking. >She raised an eyebrow for a moment, her >face asking him for a further reply. She put her elbow on the table and >rested her chin on her hand, holding the little finger up to emphasize >the subject of her question. The only answer was an increase in the >volume of Tenchi's nosebleed. Ryoko winked at him once, kissed the air >again, grinned, then fixed him with an unblinking stare while she wagged >the finger back and forth slowly. PETER(on the floor): Can I come up, yet? PRISS & AYEKA: No. > >Aeka snatched Ryoko's bowl of rice out from in front of her. RANMA: Oh, great. Now YOU'RE stealing from Ryoko! (Priss readies up another backhand. Ranma hears this.) I'M NOT PEEKING!!! I'M NOT PEEKING!!! >She grabbed >the chopsticks, stabbed them vertically into the rice, and slammed it >back down before Ryoko as if it were an offering to the deceased. PETER(still on floor): Good. I could use something to eat, after this. > >Ryoko smirked for a moment at the implied threat, then took the >chopsticks. One by one, she picked up four pieces of fish from the >serving plate, like a priest handling the bones of the dead, and set them >down on top of Aeka's rice. PETER, RANMA & PRISS(confused): I don't get it. AYEKA(angrily): I do! > >Aeka's hands squeezed tighter and tighter until her chopsticks snapped. >"*Really*, Ryoko, you have such *disgusting* table manners!" > >Ryoko blinked. "What, aren't I allowed to enjoy my breakfast?" she asked >innocently. AYEKA: Yes, but not in THAT way!! > >"You shouldn't play with your food like that," spat Aeka. "It's a very >childish habit." PETER(from the floor): Can I get up, NOW!?! PRISS: Yeah, yeah. You can get up, now. > >"I wasn't playing with my *food*," answered Ryoko slyly. > >Aeka shook her head and resumed eating. (Peter dusts himself off, and sits back down in his chair.) > >Smiling, Ryoko picked up one of her chopsticks again, and placed the tip >between her lips. Her tongue flicked playfully around it. Tenchi watched, >mesmerized, and the blood flowed out of his nostrils even faster. AYEKA & PRISS: Get back down!!! (Priss slams Peter back down to the floor) PETER: *WHAM!* OW! > >Then Ryoko grinned, exposing sharp, gleaming fangs on either side of the >chopstick as she pushed it into her mouth. (Ranma cringes, at the sight he just saw. Fortunately, Ayeka does not notice.) PETER(dazed, and upside-down): I'm KINDA glad I couldn't see that. > >Tenchi cringed and suddenly became very interested in his rice. PRISS: Wow, this rice is SO interesting. Yup, sure beats watching paint dry, or watching Ryoko like that. Uh-huh. AYEKA: Gee. . . Is it really that painful, to men? RANMA & PETER(flatly): Yes. > >Ryoko's face looked extremely hurt. She hung her head sadly and her >posture wilted like a deflating balloon (Peter makes deflating balloon noise.) RANMA: Ryoko must be eating beans. > while, next to her, Aeka laughed. PRISS(to Ayeka): Do you really want to laugh at Tenchi being scared, like that? AYEKA: Not like THAT. >Tenchi had seemed almost about to respond, and for some reason Ryoko >couldn't fathom, he'd backed away at the last moment. PETER: Because he would know how Ayeka would respond to that. PRISS: Oh, you can come up, now. PETER(sarcastically): Thanks. (Ranma takes his hands off of his face. Peter gets back up, again, looking like he just went a round with Mike Tyson.) RANMA(to Peter): Hey, Peter. You dead? PETER(Jamaican person): Yah, mon. >She set the >chopstick down and vanished into thin air. She wasn't feeling very hungry >anymore. > >Aeka smiled. Finally, she was alone with Tenchi. AYEKA: Ah, the high perks of being me! > >"Hi, Aeka! Hi, Tenchi! How was breakfast?" asked her sister as she sat >down. AYEKA(angry): ARRRGH!!! > >"I thought you were in the lab with Washuu," sighed Aeka. > >"I was. But then she said she needed to work on the super-secret part of >her experiment, so I had to go." (Ayeka mallets Peter, from across the seats.) *WHAM!!!* PETER(rubbing a bump on his head): OW! I didn't do anything!!! AYEKA: But you were thinking it!!! > >Aeka got up. She wasn't feeling very hungry anymore, either, and she >walked out of the kitchen. RANMA(Tenchi): Gee. Everybody seems to be loosing their appetite, today. > >Tenchi's day at school passed uneventfully. PETER: Well, there's a plot hole if I ever saw one. >When he returned home, Aeka >and Ryoko met him on the path, as usual. And as usual, PRISS: It was a knockdown, drag-out, to see who would get to him first. >most of his walk >to the house was spent cringing between the two girl's angry glares. His >dad called to explain that he'd be working late, again, AYEKA: Not so confident about seeing Washu NOW, are you? >and to save >dinner for him. > >The meal passed more or less uneventfully. Towards its end, Ryoko managed >to catch his attention. She blew a kiss to him, and winked. Aeka fixed >her RANMA: By taking her to the vet. PRISS: That was sick! PETER: Ayeka would never do something like that. AYEKA(fidgeting): Uh, yeah, sure, of course. >with a withering stare, and Ryoko giggled and vanished. Tenchi >breathed a sigh of relief, happy that dinner wasn't going to be >interrupted by explosions, as he'd feared it would be for a moment. > >Afterwards, Tenchi started looking around for his copy of The Book of >Five Rings. Katsuhito had reminded him to read certain passages, as part >of his training. But Tenchi couldn't find it anywhere. He was just about >to give up when he noticed Aeka sitting on the sofa, holding the object >of his search. > >"Is this your book, Tenchi-sama?" asked Aeka, as he sat down at the other >end of the couch. > >Tenchi smiled. "Yes, I was looking for that. I must have left it down >here yesterday." > >Aeka handed it over to him, holding a place open with her thumb. Tenchi >accepted it, and for just a moment he felt the warm touch of her fingers. AYEKA(happily): Oh YEAH! PETER(to the reader of this MST): After a while, you get used to it. > >"Were you reading this, Aeka-sama?" he asked. She nodded shyly. "Even >though jiichan tells me to study it, sometimes I think Miyamoto Musashi >is just a little outdated." > >"Oh, no, Tenchi-sama! RANMA: Hey, Peter. PETER: Yes, "sama" is the Japanese suffix for 'Lord' and 'Lady'. Watch the Fic now. >He says some very interesting things," said Aeka. >"You should listen to your grandfather." PRISS: As if he had a choice. > >He smiled. It was just like Aeka to show respect for something >traditional. He started silently reading the page she had it open to, >somewhere in the Earth Scroll. > >"One virtue of the bow is that you can see the trail of arrows you shoot, >which is good. An inadequacy of the gun is that the path of the bullets >cannot be seen. This should be given careful consideration. As for >horses, it is essential for them to have powerful stamina and not be >temperamental. Speaking in general terms of the tools of the warrior, >one's bow and gun should be strong and accurate, one's horse should >stride grandly, one's long and short swords should cut grandly, and..." RANMA(to Ayeka): And YOU were mad at Ryoko about what she was doing? AYEKA(sheepishly): Uh, well I, uh. . . > >Tenchi's eyebrow arched. > >"One's spear should penetrate grandly," the wise ronin had written, four >centuries earlier. PETER: Only to be used THIS way, now. > >For a moment, Tenchi wondered if those were the words Aeka had found >interesting. PETER, PRISS, & RANMA: Probably. AYEKA(embarrassed): Heh-heh, . . .Oh dear. > >Next to him, she smiled and demurely fluttered her lashes. But Tenchi >didn't notice. AYEKA(cursing): Nuts! >He was angry with himself for thinking such a thing about >her, feeling ashamed at what she'd say if she knew the path his mind had >taken. PETER: She'd probably be overjoyed, at the path your mind had taken. > >Suddenly, he felt hot air on his skin as a seductive voice breathed in >his ear. PRISS: Hmm. . . Must be Ryoko. AYEKA(trying not to look too angry): Why is that? RANMA: Because you're still on the other end of the couch. AYEKA(slightly embarrassed): Oh. . . . > >"There's some wonderful music I'd like to play for you, Tenchi," >whispered Ryoko lustfully. PRISS: See. PETER: Yeah, yeah, we see. Let's not overuse that bit, okay. > >He turned his head, sweating. ALL(deadpan): Again. > >Ryoko floated horizontally at the same level as his head, smiling at him. >The neckline of her blouse left very little to the imagination. Her lips >hovered only inches away. She brought her hand towards his chin and >slowly moved closer, puckering up for a kiss. > >Aeka rose angrily and cleared her throat, furious both at Ryoko having >interrupted a private moment with Tenchi, and what the pirate was now >attempting. RANMA: But isn't she doing what you were- AYEKA: Yeah, yeah. I know, I know! > >"Get away from him, you... you *THIEF*!" spat the princess. PETER(confused): Wait a minute. Weren't you the one who took her rice bowl? AYEKA: Oh shut up! I gave it back, did I not!? >She grabbed >Tenchi's arm, and yanked him away. "Won't you ever leave poor Tenchi-sama >alone?" PRISS(to Ayeka): You know, one of these days, you're going to rip him in two. . .of course THEN you would have two equal parts now, wouldn't you? AYEKA: Why are you all picking on ME, all of a sudden? PETER: We just feel like it. No offense. > >Ryoko stopped and sighed. "Oh, I'm *sorry*, your highness!" she replied >sarcastically. "Is he Jurai royal family territory?" AYEKA: Yes! > >"That's not what I meant!" retorted Aeka, holding Tenchi's arm even >tighter. "You're a guest here. Why don't you behave like it, for once?" > >"Is your throne around here someplace, princess?" asked Ryoko, looking >side to side curiously. PETER: Apparently it hasn't been installed, yet. >"I don't *see* it anywhere." She smiled. "I can >talk to Tenchi anytime I want to." RANMA: Although I do think that he would be MUCH more appreciative if you would NOT talk to him, while he is in the bathroom. > >"When will you cease trying to lay claim to everything you set your >greedy eyes on?" Aeka demanded angrily, pulling Tenchi away. PETER, PRISS, & RANMA: Hypocrite! AYEKA(angrily): WHAT WAS THAT!?!?! PETER, PRISS, & RANMA(sheepishly): Nothing. . . . > >"Ha! You should *talk*!" laughed Ryoko, snatching his other arm. > >Both girls snarled at each other, a spark of energy flashing between them >as their tempers rose. > >Sweat drenched Tenchi ALL(deadpan): Again. PETER: You know, with all of the sweating that he's been doing, he's going to have body odor enough to stun moose. RANMA: Or at least have him, find him. PETER(momentarily confused): . . .No, no, no. Not 'Mousse'. >as he cringed in fear. Getting caught in the middle >of a fight between the two of them had great potential for pain and >injury. "Will you two please stop it?! I've told you before, no fighting! >Especially in the *house*!" PRISS(Tenchi): Around the shrine, Fine! Destroying the city, okay! Wrecking Tokyo, great! But not inside the house! > >Slowly they backed down. RANMA: How slowly? PETER(deep and slow): Thiiiiiiiiiiiiis slooooooooooooowly. > >Tenchi sighed with relief. "And will you *both* let go of me?" PETER(Tenchi): I'm going to be walking like a gorilla, if you pull any more. AYEKA: Walking like a, what? PETER: With his knuckles dragging on the ground. AYEKA: Oh. > >Reluctantly, they complied. He got up from the couch and walked upstairs, >feeling very annoyed with them. > >"See what you did?" accused Ryoko. > >"What *I* did? It's *your* fault that Tenchi-sama is always so troubled!" >retorted Aeka, getting up. PRISS: You're both at fault! AYEKA: But she started it. RANMA: But didn't you. . .?(Notices that Ayeka is glaring at him) Never mind. > >Ryoko glared at her with cat-like eyes, the twitching of her tail PETER: What is it with that prehensile tail, anyway? AYEKA: Animal tales are a trend, on some planets. >emphasizing her annoyance. > >"I ought to talk to Washuu about getting you *spayed*," muttered Aeka (Large sweatdrops appear on all but Ayeka's head.) >under her breath, as she walked off towards the kitchen. > >"What was that?!" demanded Ryoko. AYEKA: I said, (Now through megaphone) "I OUGHT TO TALK TO WASHUU ABOUT GETTING YOU *SPAYED*,"!!!!!!! PETER(nearly whining): Hey! Gimmie back my bullhorn! > >"Oh, nothing," replied Aeka. RANMA(Ryoko): Well keep on saying, 'Nothing'! AYEKA: Nothing, nothing, Nothing! Nothing, nothing, Nothing! > >Upstairs, Tenchi closed the door behind him. He pushed a button on his CD >player, ALL(singing): Mary had a little lamb, B-KO(interrupting): Okay, that's enough! I told you I was sorry, about that! >and the disc -- "Room Service", by Ai Orikasa ALL: What? Who? >-- began to play >softly. He turned up the volume a bit. (The MST group is being blasted by the onslaught of noise.) PETER(over the noise): TURN DOWN THE VOLUME, B-KO!!! B-KO(still in the control booth): WHAT!?!?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!! PETER(through megaphone): I SAID, TURN DOWN THE VOLUME!!!!!!! B-KO: OH! (Turns down the volume.) HOW'S, ahem. How's that? ALL: Much better. >Then he lay wearily down on his >bed. He looked over, and noticed something on the pillow, next to his >head. He picked it up and examined it. The object, which had a lock of >cyan hair tied around it, was a shakuhachi ALL: Huh? > -- a bamboo flute. ALL: Oh. > >But "shakuhachi" was also a slang term that Tenchi had heard the guys at >school use, and he blushed, remembering what it meant. AYEKA(confused): What does it mean? (Realizes what it is supposed to represent, and blushes.) Oh dear. RANMA: I'm never going to play the flute, ever again. PETER: I never did. > >Even if he hadn't known, the message intended by the trace of lipstick >smeared on one end of it was rather obvious. He blushed an even-brighter >red, and sweated profusely. AYEKA: Damn, Ryoko! PETER(to Ayeka): Wishing that you had thought of it first, are we? AYKEA(blushing): Yeah. > >And, a few seconds later, he recalled, vividly, the words Ryoko had >whispered to him downstairs. Suddenly his mouth went dry, and his face >felt very, very hot. PRISS: You mean he's not sweating, this time? > >For a moment he asked himself why he should refuse such a blatant offer >from her. He didn't doubt for a moment that he'd enjoy it. And she was, >after all, quite pretty. PETER, PRISS, & RANMA: Because Ayeka would kill you, if you did. AYEKA: You got that right. >No, more than that. With one possible exception, >she was the most beautiful girl he'd ever met. AYEKA(angry): And just WHO is that one possible exception!?! RANMA: Uh, Ayeka? AYEKA: What? PRISS: I think he's talking about you. AYEKA(starry-eyed): Really!?!?! PETER: Yes. (Ayeka starts doing the 'Mihoshi Hop', patent pending, around the isle next to her seat.) PRISS(whispering to Peter): It IS Ayeka he's talking about, isn't it? PETER(whispering): We can only hope. > >Unfortunately, she was by far, without *any* exception, the most >terrifying person he'd known in his entire life. ALL(sarcastically shocked): You're kidding!!! >Months had passed, and >he *still* had nightmares of her chasing him and Mihoshi along the path >from his grandfather's shrine. AYEKA(anger building up): Him and MIHOSHI!?!?! PETER(trying to calm Ayeka down): It happened in the TV series, and it isn't what you think!! Believe me, there was nothing romantic about it. AYEKA(calming down): If you say so. >And sometimes the endings of those dreams >were much worse than what had actually happened. PETER: Uh-oh. RANMA: What do you mean, 'Uh-oh'? PETER: I'm. . .I'm trying to remember what was just wrong with that last sentence. > >Tenchi sighed, holding the flute in his hand and thinking back to >breakfast. For just a few moments he pictured Ryoko sucking on something >besides the chopstick. But then he remembered her teeth, suited perfectly >for tearing into helpless meat, and his imagination decided it wasn't >safe to continue. PETER & RANMA: Thank you, Tenchi. > >His mind wandered to Aeka slowly removing her kimono as she stood in the >women's bath. But immediately he felt ashamed for having unwittingly >spied on her, and for having such thoughts about the shy, regal princess. PETER: Shy? PRISS: Regal? AYEKA(angrily): And what of it!?! PETER & PRISS: Nothing. >His conscience forced him to halt, berating him for wanting to have gone >on. RANMA: Ayeka would have wanted you to. AYEKA: You got that right. > >He really wished he had just a bit more courage in the matter, because >his thoughts had left him with an erection that wouldn't go away. (Ayeka leans toward the screen.) PETER(disgruntled tone): Why does SHE get to watch? >And he >couldn't bring himself to think any further about who had caused it. >Either of them. Even though one of them had made it quite clear, twice >just that day, that she'd happily banish it for him, and let him know >exactly how she would. PRISS: And if you would have been paying attention, you would have realized that they BOTH would have. > >He wished Ryoko wouldn't scare him quite so much. PETER: She's not doing it on purpose. . . most of the time, anyway, you know. > >He wished Aeka wouldn't seem quite so unreachable. AYEKA: But I am not! > >He wished that the feelings they professed to have for him actually did >exist. AYEKA: THEY DO!!! PRISS: Oh, boy. This guy's hopeless. > >He wished they'd stop fighting and hurting each other because of him. RANMA: Actually, it seems more likely he'd wish that they'd stop hurting HIM. > >*Don't be a baka, Tenchi. None of those will ever happen.* PETER: Hey, some of them already have happened, stupid! > >He listened to the first two tracks of the CD, and his hard-on persisted. >The third song, Hatsukoi no Aji, PETER: You know, it's times like these that I wish I could understand Japanese. >began. With a heavy sigh, Tenchi grabbed >a box of tissues and started to masturbate, letting his mind drift. PRISS: Look, there it goes. RANMA: Uh, Ayeka? AYEKA: Yes, Ranma? RANMA: You're drool is getting on your robe, . . . and my shoes. AYEKA(wiping her mouth): Sorry about that. >As it >did, it encountered memories, the way a ship might strike icebergs in a >foggy sea. PETER: I wonder if that's what the captain was doing, when the Titanic sunk. (Peter is suddenly bombarded by Mini 'Jurian Guardians', little stuffed 'P-Chans', and 'Nightsaber' action figures.) OW! OW! Quit it! Cut it out! > >Tenchi remembered... > >Ryoko lying in his arms, looking up at him. AYEKA(flatly): What? > >But then she'd lied to him, plunged him into her conflict with Mihoshi, >and finally chased him and the officer down the path from his >grandfathers shrine, making him believe she intended to kill him. > >Ryoko whispering in his ear, once the chase was over. AYEKA(anger rising): PETER!!!! I thought you told me there was none of this, in that chase! PETER(slapping forehead): Oh, that's right. There WAS a little bit of romance after the chase. RANMA: Been nice knowing you. > >"You were so wonderful when you first saved me, so valiant and brave." (Peter and Ayeka run back and forth, through the row of seats ahead of the usual four. Luckily for Peter, Ayeka is too angry to use her whip.) PETER: But I said that it wasn't Mihoshi! I didn't do anything wrong! AYEKA(angrily): What difference does that make!?! > >But then she'd invaded his home and disrupted his life, even though now, >months later, it didn't seem *quite* so bad. AYEKA(stopping): Do not make me come after YOU!!! > >Aeka falling, lovely and delicate, against his chest, then raising her >face to gaze into his eyes. > >But then, when her sense of honor and dignity had been offended, when her >lofty perception of him had been shattered... > >"Tenchi-sama, there is nothing left for me to believe in. Well, if that's >the case -- we *DIE*!" AYEKA(to Peter): Is the TV persona of me really that cruel? PETER(on the other side of the theater): Yes, but she's much more mean than you are, Ayeka. > >Being the object of lustful thoughts would be every bit as repulsive to >Aeka, if not more so, Tenchi knew. PRISS: You don't know anything. > >Wouldn't it? RANMA: No, it wouldn't. > >Ryoko's voice behind him in the cave. > >"This place is nice and private. Nobody will bother us *here*. Look at >me, Tenchi." AYEKA(sitting back down in her seat): Ryoko said that she does not ever want to go into that cave, again. PETER: In the TV series, it's Washu's cave, and you and Ryoko freed her when you two fought about Tenchi, while inside. > >But he hadn't wanted to look, any more than any other frightened, >helpless prey would want to gaze into the feline eyes and sharp jaws of >the feral huntress who'd dragged them screaming into her lair to be >consumed. PRISS: She's not going to eat you in THAT sense. AYEKA: Priss. PRISS: I know. Shut up, yeah, yeah. > >Ryoko standing naked in front of him in the women's bath. PRISS: *Groan.* AYEKA: Humph! RANMA(covering eyes): Uh-oh. PETER: Wow. Hairless. (A small version of a 'Jurian Guardian' rebounds off of Peter's head. Peter does not notice.) > >"Ah! Well, it's you, Tenchi. Hey, I'll wash your back, and you'll wash >mine. Deal?" PRISS(Telephone operator): Tenchi's brain is not in right now, but if you would please wait a moment, and put on some clothes, he will get back to you as soon as possible. > >But he could never have agreed to so direct an offer, especially with so >many other people around. (The others glare at Peter. Peter is trying to look innocent.) PETER: I'm not doing anything. I'm not saying anything. > >Aeka sliding out of her kimono as he watched her through the door of the >baths. > >But he should never have been there, never have seen her that way, and if >she even *suspected* he'd been watching, he was sure she'd never speak a >word to him again. PETER: We already answered that. > >Ryoko's tongue flicking playfully along the tip of her chopstick. PETER(covering his eyes, and Priss' fist above his head): Look! Look! I'm covering my eyes! > >Too blatant, too aggressive, PETER: Too dangerous. >not to be trusted. > >Aeka's hands, warm and soft against his fingers. > >Too pure, too pristine, not to be sullied. AYEKA: Believe me, you can not harm me that way. (Smiles slightly.) In fact, I would greatly enjoy it. OTHERS(deadpan): You don't say. > >Ryoko's voice, soft and sensuous, as her lips moved closer and closer to >his. AYEKA: Stop right there, Miss Ryoko! PRISS: Ayeka, it's just a Fan Fic. AYEKA(sheepishly): Sorry. Force of habit. > >"There's some wonderful music I'd like to play for you, Tenchi." > >Too... what? > >Too *what*?!?! > >Too... too... too... > >Too *something*. RANMA: You can't think of anything else, can you? PETER: Too real! That's what it is! I'd check the room if I were you. > >Aeka's gentle voice, coming from the other side of his bedroom door. > >"Tenchi-sama, I thought you'd like some tea." > >Too innocent, too regal, not to be dragged down from the pedestal. PRISS: Also too real. AYEKA: Oh, that is probably just because I AM ON THE OTHER SIDE OF HIS BEDROOM DOOR!!!! > >Engrossed in his warring thoughts, Tenchi didn't hear the soft knock at >the door, nor the hiss of wood on wood as Aeka slid the door open and >stepped in and froze in shock. AYEKA: Where is Nobuyuki with his camera, when I need it!?! PETER: And you guys get mad at ME for being perverted? > >Tenchi lay naked on his bed, eyes shut, stroking his stiff penis in his >hand while "Anata ni Naisho" played loudly on the stereo. > >Aeka blushed deep pink, then scarlet, then purple. "Tenchi-sama...!" she >gasped under her breath, unable to tear her eyes away. RANMA: Ayeka? AYEKA: Yes, Ranma? RANMA: Your nose is bleeding. AYEKA: Well, that is not exactly ME in the story. RANMA: No, I mean YOUR nose is bleeding. (Ayeka looks down, and notices the red drops on her robe.) AYEKA(wiping her nose with a handkerchief): Sorry. >Slowly she set the >cup of steaming tea down on Tenchi's desk and continued to watch as if >hypnotized. PRISS(Tenchi as a hypnotist): Look into my 'you know what'. You are getting sleepy, very sleepy. PETER(ditto): You have the sudden urge to climb into Tenchi's bed. > >"Wow, look at him go!" said Ryoko softly. Aeka cringed and looked to her >left where the hated voice had come from. AYEKA: Why must she ruin all of my fun? PETER: It's in her job description. >Ryoko's cyan-tressed head >protruded through the door. With a rush Ryoko swooped through the door >towards Tenchi. Desperately Aeka grabbed for her and managed to drag her >out of the room by her hair. RANMA(to Ayeka): So you wrapped one of your ponytails around her neck, and- AYEKA(to Ranma): HER hair. Not mine. >Quickly and quietly she shut the door as >Tenchi continued, oblivious to their intrusion. > >Her mind raging, Aeka hauled Ryoko outside to have a private argument. >She had no intention of embarrassing herself in front of the other girls. >Stopping in a clearing, Aeka let go of Ryoko's hair and opened her mouth >to speak. PRISS: Killing all of the plants, in the house. (Ayeka reaches over Ranma, and mallets Priss.) *THUD!* OW! RANMA(politely to Ayeka): Mint? (Holds up a roll of 'Certs'.) (Ayeka does not say anything. She just takes one of the breath-mints, and puts it in her mouth.) > >But Ryoko spoke first. "So, is that the first time you've seen it?" she >asked with a conspiratorial wink. AYEKA: Well, it is not like I go sneaking into his room, all of the time. > >"S-s-seen what?" stammered Aeka, looking away and twiddling her fingers. > >"*I've* seen it before. Lots of times. Just this morning, as a matter of >fact," PETER: She wasn't talking about what he was doing. AYEKA: Oh, that! I have seen that plenty of times. (The others stare nervously at Ayeka, but do not say anything.) >mused Ryoko dreamily. She grinned. "And I know *exactly* what he >was fantasizing about me doing..." AYEKA(happily): You leaving the house, and never coming back? > >Then she sighed, feeling very hurt that Tenchi seemed to prefer imagining >it to experiencing it. She didn't think he'd failed to understand her >hints. RANMA: He DID understand them. He's just scared of you. >How much more blatant could she *be*? PRISS: Well, you could yell it at him, in public. >What did she have to do -- >sneak into his bed and hold him down? AYEKA & PETER: You HAVE done that before. > >Aeka gritted her teeth. "What do you mean, *you*?" she demanded shrilly. >"Tenchi-sama wouldn't be interested in a bimbo demon-woman like you!" RANMA: Well men DO like to be the smarter ones in a relationship. PETER: But SOME men have to keep looking a while before that can happen. RANMA: Yeah, that's right. . .Hey! > >"Better me than a flat-chested frigid princess I could name," AYEKA: You leave Sasami out of this. (A large frying pan comes out of nowhere, and hits Ayeka square in the head.) *KLONG!!!* OW! RANMA(reading the frying pan): "I am NOT flat-chested! Love, Sasami." >growled >Ryoko, thrusting her chest in Aeka's direction. "I hear they're doing >wonders with implants these days, though." PRISS(Ryoko): Why just the other day, Washu had her bust size enlarged, so she didn't have the figure of a thirteen year old boy. (Light starts simmering around Priss.) Huh? What in the? NOOO!!! I'M CHANGING!!! I'M CHANGING!!! WHAT A WORLD!!!! WHAT A WORLD!!!! (Now a water sprite.) Ribbit! Ribbit! PETER(to B-ko): B-ko!! B-KO(from the control booth): I know, I know! I'm checking for surveillance equipment, right now! Jamming all signals, now! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - In the Masaki home, Washu's lab to be precise, Washu and Sasami suddenly screamed, and threw off their headphones in terror, as the most horrible sound in the universe played over the receivers. "Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb." A running gag. These are the JOKES, people! Laugh at them! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > >"More than a handful is a tongue-sprainer... uh, I mean, don't change the >subject! AYEKA(rubbing the bump on her head): Good recovery. (Peter pulls out what appears to be a blue, laptop, computer.) PETER(pushing some buttons): Here, Priss. This should do it. PRISS(still a water sprite, at the moment): Ribbit! Ribbit! (Light begins shimmering around her, and she changes from a brown-hared water sprite, to a rather pissed cabbit.) Ryow! Ryow! PETER(sheepishly): Oops! How about, this. PRISS(light shimmering around her again): You had better. . .Hey! I'm back to nor- (Notices that he is no longer a SHE.) ARRRGH! GET ME BACK TO MY REAL GENDER, STUPID!!!!! PETER(quickly typing): Okay, there! Sorry. PRISS(making sure that she still has breasts): Whew! Thank goodness. AYEKA: What is that, anyway? PETER: A prototype copy of Washu's computer. We keep one here, just in case we need to change some one, like that. Only used in extreme emergencies. RANMA: Uh, could you use that to, um, help me with my problem? PETER: Sorry. This, at most, would just cause your curse to be reversed. (Puts it back under his seat.) And besides, your problem isn't considered an emergency. RANMA: Damn. PRISS: Let's just finish watching the Fic, already. > I won't have you spying on Tenchi-sama!" AYEKA: Only I get to do that! > >"You went in first." AYEKA: And your point is? PRISS: Oh, like we couldn't see THAT coming. > >"That's not the point! It's not right to intrude on Tenchi-sama when >he's... he's..." > >"Masturbating?" finished Ryoko. "Jacking off? Beating his meat? PETER: Slaughtering his hog? Preparing for blast off? Whacking his doodle? Waking wee Willie Winkie, without his nightgown? Slamming the sausage? Choking his chicken? Raising the flagpole? Pointing to North? Exercising his hand? Loading his frontal cannon? Rubbing the whip cream dispenser? Frisking himself for evidence? Going for the gold? Shooting the ceiling? Decorating the walls? Doing his best interpretation of a fountain? Merging with Tsunami? Calling upon a latent power, that ISN'T The Wings Of The Light Hawk? Firing Norm McDonnell? Giving reason for the President to be impeached? Doing his impersonation of Pee Wee Herman? Preparing to put out a small blaze? Trying to go blind? Attempting to grow hair in a very strange place? Imagining that he is plunging his rod of power, into the deep, yeast infested, canyon of love? Doing something that every single, hormone crazed girl in his house, would gladly do for him, if he ever let his guard down for one, freaking, bippity boppity boo, moment in time, or space? (Around this time, about twelve gallons of ICE water drop on top of him. Steam pours off of his body, as he lays gasping for air on the floor. EVERYBODY is staring at him. Ayeka, Priss, Ranma, B-ko, the characters in the Fan Fic story, even Tenchi has one eye open, staring shocked at the gasping form of Peter Suzuki.) B-KO(from the control booth, taking her finger off of the ICE WATER button): Sorry about that. PRISS(shocked): W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-what the hell, was THAT all about?!?!? B-KO: The screening party warned me about this. When he gets into clich‚s, he had a tendency to go a little overboard. ALL(even the Fan Fic characters): You call that a LITTLE overboard?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? PETER(getting up): Yeah, you should see me when I REALLY get going. (Round of sweatdrops for everyone else.) Lets just finish watching the Fic now. AYEKA: Are you sure that you will be all right? PETER: Yeah. I only have ONE good round of those in me, each day. >Dreaming >of having intense passionate sex all night long with his true love the >space pirate Ryoko whom he insatiably lusts after?" AYEKA: No! I mean, yes! I mean. . . PETER: Put "The princess Ayeka" in place of "the space pirate Ryoko", and then you'll have it. AYEKA: Yeah, what he said. > >"No! I mean, yes! I mean..." ALL: . . . . RANMA: Wow. Looks like the writer got Ayeka down, pat. > >"You know, I meant what I said that time -- about letting you go first. >Care to take me up on it?" AYEKA(cheerfully): Okay! PETER(frantically looking around): Where's my bullhorn!?! Ryoko only offered that to Ayeka in the OAV series!! AYEKA: I do not care! If she is offering it, who am I to refuse? > >Aeka blushed again. "N-n-no, it's not right. Tenchi-sama and I aren't >ready for that, yet. There are... Juraian customs and ceremonies to be >seen to, and we're much too young, and..." AYEKA(to herself, in the Fic): What do you mean "we're" much too young? PETER: In the TV series, you and Ryoko are the same age as Tenchi. Seventeen. AYEKA: No thousands of years, of life? PETER: Yup. AYEKA: Oh poo. > >"ARGHHH!!! WHAT IS IT WITH YOU?!?!" snarled Ryoko. "You don't need all >that! At least, *I* don't. What's wrong with wanting to sleep in the arms >of the man you love? Next you'll be saying he has to undergo some kind of >'Jurai Royal Family Bridegroom Training', or something." (Ayeka takes out her whip, cracks it into the air a few times) *SNAP!* *CRACK!* (and puts it back into her robe. Priss and Ranma have large sweatdrops on their heads. Peter continues watching the Fic.) AYEKA(in a voice that would have given Kagato nightmares): But that is the best part, Miss Ryoko. >Aeka gulped, AYEKA(to the Ayeka in the Fan Fic): I was not referring to you. Why are you scared? >cringed, and looked away for a moment. When she turned back, Ryoko had >moved much, much closer. PETER(Ayeka): Miss Ryoko, could you please brush you teeth? AYEKA: Hey! Let me do my OWN character! RANMA: Sorry. We just felt that you were stealing the spotlight from us. > >"Is it that you're afraid of doing it with a man?" Ryoko asked, her voice >low and sultry. She gently brought her hand to rest on Aeka's thigh, >while her lips moved past Aeka's face to whisper in her ear. "Is *that* >the kind of girl you are, little princess?" (Ranma covers his mouth, and his eyes bug out at the screen. Peter takes out a video camera, and Priss pulls a tub of popcorn out from nowhere.) AYEKA(blushing): NOT HERE!!! >Aeka shivered as a wild >ripple of fear and... something else... ran through her, AYEKA: I SAID, NOT HERE!!!!! >then backed up >nervous and sweating as Ryoko laughed. She paused to gather up her >resolve, then glared and pointed an accusing finger at Ryoko. B-KO(from the control booth): Sorry guys. No lesbian action. AYEKA(relieved): Whew! OTHERS(disappointed): Ah, nuts! > >"If you *really* loved Tenchi, you'd be willing to wait until the time >was right." > >"And if *you* loved Tenchi, you wouldn't want to leave him alone with >just his hand." AYEKA: Well I do not plan to do that ALL the time. > >"Slut!" > >"Pricktease!" PRISS(Ayeka): Do-do head! RANMA(Ryoko): Cootie, girl! PETER(mother): My! Such language from kids these days. AYEKA(deadpan): All right, already. I get the point. > >Tenchi sneezed and shot his load into the wad of tissue, PETER: Gesundheit! RANMA: He has to sneeze before he can do that? Woah? AYEKA: No wonder he did not want to see us much, while he had that cold. He might have given the wrong impression to the other girls. >then rested >briefly before getting up and depositing it in the waste basket. PRISS(sports announcer): He shoots! He scores!! >As he >went back to his bed, his ear caught the sound of a distant explosion. PETER(Tenchi): Damn. I didn't know it would explode after that. > >Dreading what he'd find, Tenchi looked out the window. As expected, >bright flashes of red and blue lit the forest at irregular intervals, >each followed by a faint boom or crash a few seconds later. "They're at >it *again*! Don't they ever stop?" PRISS: Have they ever stopped, before? > >With an exasperated shake of his head, Tenchi picked up the cup of tea on >his desk, sat down in the chair, and began to sip. Then he paused and >frowned for a moment. "How did this get here?" AYEKA: Oh, I just walked in, and set it down. You were so busy (Glances nervously at Peter) doing something, that you did not notice. RANMA: Nothing to worry about. >he wondered out loud. "Oh, >well, it doesn't matter." > >A very bright red flash came from the woods, followed by a loud "BOOM!" >and what sounded like a tree falling. Several bursts of blue glare and >cracks like thunder answered in rapid succession. PETER(Tenchi): Uh-oh! Looks like Grandpa's gotten into the chili, again! (Peter is suddenly bombarded by Mini 'Jurian Guardians', little 'P-Chans', and 'Nightsaber' action figures.) OW! OW! Quit it! Cut it out! That's annoying! Why do you guys have to bean me with little stuffed animals, just because I make a really bad joke!?! RANMA: Well, they ARE called 'Beanie Babies'. >Glancing over his >shoulder at the window for a moment, he turned back to his desk and >picked up a daruma doll. > >"Might as well do this now, while I'm thinking about it." > >He put another CD into the stereo. The sound of Namie Amuro's "Don't >Wanna Cry" PRISS: Yet ANOTHER song and CD, that we know nothing about. >in the foreground masked the distant explosions from the woods >just a little. Then he opened a bottle of black paint, picked up a brush, >and patiently filled in one of the eyes of the doll. PETER(daruma doll): Arr! And now I be a pirate! Arr! PRISS(ditto): Here’s looking at you, kid. >When it was done, he >set it back on his desk, next to a stack of videotapes and some course >catalogs for various universities. PETER & RANMA: Geez, doesn't THIS look familiar. RANMA(to Peter): You too? PETER: Uh-huh. > >Shiga Polytechnic, since he'd always liked the area around Lake Biwa. >Tokyo Metropolitan, just for the heck of it. And the Nekomi Institute of >Technology. He'd heard they had an interesting car club. PETER(sarcastically): Oh great! A cross over plot. PRISS: With what? PETER: "Oh My Goddess." Good anime, but I don't want to think of that right now. > >He finished the tea, turned out the light, and lay down to sleep. As he >drifted off, the sounds of battle continued unabated. > >He dreamt of her. But he wasn't sure which one. AYEKA: Me! ME! He is dreaming of ME! > > >Preview of Next Chapter: No Need For Breakfast RANMA: But I'm starving! > >The birds outside sang to greet the warm sun as its rays streamed down >through the window above Tenchi's bed. But even as the dawn shed a >friendly glow, a sinister shadow lurked and watched. With swift, >predatory grace the dark menacing shape drew nearer. Unsuspecting, Tenchi >slept on. The hunter rose, preparing to strike, and gazed down at him >with hungry yellow eyes. PETER: Apparently, so is Ryoko. PRISS: Well, Fic's over! AYEKA: Yeah. I kneed to take a shower. RANMA: And I'm hungry. PETER: And I kneed a towel. PRISS: What are we waiting for, then? Let's go! ALL(Snaggelpuss): Exit! Stage right, even! (All four of the MST group members leave the theater. Peter returns a moment later. Picks up his megaphone from under one of the seats, and rushes back out of the door.) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Group assessment. To Fan Fic writer. PETER: Sorry about making fun of your story, like this. Hope your pride isn't too badly damaged. Aside from your, I hope, accidental mixing of the TV and OAV worlds, you did a very good job. Oh, and don't worry. I am insane, but I'm one of the good kinds. PRISS: Not bad. Not bad. A little LONG for my tastes. Also, your use of Japanese is a little unnecessary, but I guess that's okay as well. RANMA: Good Fic, man! Don't know about you taking the nickname "Happosai" though. AYEKA: You are treading on very thin ice. Also, while Tenchi may be a little clueless, he knows perfectly well how Ryoko and I feel. Keep that in mind. ____________________________________________________________________________ AUTHOR'S NOTES: Who said that the GOOD fan fiction stories could NOT be MST'd? I worked hard to make sure that I got this out BEFORE the end of the Christmas season. Read the beginning to find out why. Anyway, I hope you like this. Now I can get back to work on my other stories. HASTA LA BYE-BYE, BABY! Peter Suzuki.